#let’s not look at that too hard birch you relate to someone with magically induced amnesia. is that not something to look more closely at | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

trash-bin-ary · 4 months ago

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Okay im gonna reblog this again then actually go to sleep cause I feel it imperative that if cb does look at my account and see the stuff I posted tonight that he know that while him mentioning osdd and memory was the catalyst for it it is not a bad thing that he mentioned it. I need to work through this cause it has itched in my brain forever and it’s a good thing to work through it while knowing that you’re not alone in it

#like even if it’s not an osdd thing and who knows maybe this is how “normal” memory works I hate how my memories works and I need to address #it more then just hey my memory sucks anyways let’s not look at that too hard #let’s not look at that too hard birch you relate to someone with magically induced amnesia. is that not something to look more closely at #like okay so I sometimes like to imagine some other version of me that makes YouTube videos and one being an analysis on how hard that memor #y part of isat hits me. and then I don’t think I actually think about it hard like I yap in my head that my memory sucks and vaguely seeing #it reflected is nice. but I like I need to look at it harder I guess and I don’t know how #damn I had a tangent but I decided to complete that other thought and then I forgor it #this is a post i added onto #oh I remember what it was it was about how sometimes I think yeah I’d like to have a disability and like not actually but in the way that #people is a sign that you want a more visible trauma to be able point to as a reason why you’re like this or whatever #and like. is this that thing that’s the real issue this memory issue and maybe add?#okay another thing that’s holding me back from looking at this more is that usually it’s caused by trauma right but like I don’t think my #life was that bad at all my parents are great and yeah they are better now then they were when I was a kid I think but that was a taking #care of kids is hard thing and everyone but my dad probably has a mental illness and then there’s I did switch schools cause I hated how #loud one of my teachers got and thinking back. I do not know how I ended up asking to switch schools cause I feel that wasn’t a good reason #but my mom has explained that situation better now so I get it #and also another thing one memory I do have is my mom asking me if I had anger issues and I don’t think I do but… what was I like as a kid #for her to be concerned about that and how have I become so vastly different from that #and now I’ve veered off into thinking about that one post that mentioned worrying about how if you’re crying you’re coming off as manipulat #ive and how I know exactly where my worry about that stems from because yknow the axe and the tree it’s cause I cried a lot as a kid and I’m #pretty sure it was normal I cry at an instant but my parents accused me of doing it to get my way and oh maybe that was joking I’ve just #realized… but I sure internalized it. no it couldn’t have been cause they said it multiple times. anyway they know that’s not true anymore #but I still worry about it #okay now I’m going to bed I have to get up in less than 4 hours #vent #yeah now these tags definitely count as vent

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