#let me defend myslef yall

[rirants]

If I get compared to Kenma Kozume one more time I'm actually going to lose it a bit

I have nothing against him I just get compared to bro at least once a week

Update: July 10th

Ive decided to accept it, I am like kenma kozume.

[nostaligic88]

!I’m not sure why I’m writing this, but I feel like I have the need to do it anyway.

I have my therapy appointment tomorrow, so I want to discuss about what I’ve been through for the past two weeks for preparation. 

I want to start off with what happened today (7/27) because it affected me in a way that made cry:

I came to work ready to do my thing but we all detected Citlalli was off. It doesn’t take words to realize that. Body language is inevitable and shows what the person is feeling. But long story short, Elliot talked to us at the end about what happened. I found out that I hurt Alisha because of my tone or something else. I take full responsibility for that because that it never my intention to throw her off. But i did. But a part of me blames Citllali for starting off bad because she does not allow us to help her out. And that ticked me off because when she gets like that she literally shuts down and work becomes unpleasant and harder. I told her that but she does not apologize at all. Instead she does what she always do, walk away in a bad note with the “fuck it i quit. bye.” that’s just so unprofessional because we will see each other all again on Friday and we just want to get finish our tasks the best way we can. Leaving on a bad note doesn’t allow that for happen. I apologized to Alisha as soon as I felt guilty. She said is okay but is truly not. I just want her forgiveness... but I also forgive myself.

On our way home Elliot and I discussed about our day and other stuff and we went home on a good note. Him and I tend to discuss and talk things out because that’s just the kind of persons we are for some reason. He said interesting things and I take note of them. Things like: I should eventually talk to my mom and my brother. Things like: Im my own person with my own opinions. Things like: He went outta pocket. Things like: He definitely sees that and that has almost everything with the way he treats me with violence. Things like: he has anger problems. 

I got home. I said good night to mother. Then it was just me thinking about Citllali and Alisha....thinking about my family... thinking that I have to face them....eventually. Thinking about why am I in this position....I felt so stressed about it that I cried. Sitting on the couch, resting my head in my hands, letting my tears pour over my cheeks, I surrendered to my feelings. I was asking for help. I found myself asking for Jesus Christ to come help me because I want to keep living. I have a future and I want to be in it so come help my lord and guide me through this turbulence for I know is temporary. I did this because I have faith...for my future ya know?

I was overwhelmed at that moment of surrender. I grabbed my laptop and here I am... typing, writing about my day because I want to go to work on Friday better than I have before. Please Lord I want this. Help me. 

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Well that was today... but I want to write about one more thing. I want to write about what happened to me this, Sunday, and Monday, and Tuesday. Just facts. 

Sunday afternoon, I asked if I can ride with Edgar and his friends (nothing new) and he said yes. As I was getting ready, putting on my clothes, grabbing my camera, and all that, Edgar tells me “come but don’t come here with your bad vibe.” I said “what? what do you mean?” I was hurt. “I don’t know” he said. “But thats what angel and charlie told me”

“About what?”

“They said you was mad at them giving them a whole nasty atttiude that day on the garage?”

“Because I was on the phone? thats my garage anyway I can feel whatever I want. In fact, they were the angel was the one giving me a whole attitude as if I cant act all surprise for seeing them in my garage?”

Edgar ignored me and walked away.

I stayed home and I didnt go. I was upset. I was angry. I was hurt. I felt betrayed. I was fed up. Home alone... I wrote a facebook post about it.

I wrote what happened exactly in two paragraphs with the intention of having my brother read it. 

He found out and sent me an very rude and abbrut text message, calling me childish for writing it on facebook. (right but lets not forget your hyprocite ass for writing a whole IG post about Saul xD but thats fine right because is you? no...) I dont feel sorry for chosing the way I express myself because after all I am a writer and you my brother are not a listener. You are not. Because I have SEEN it myself. In fact, you wholly admitted that you thrashed your bike in front of your ex just for “talking heavy” (that is a clear anger problem)

and yet, you demand me to talk to you. No brother. I deserved an apology for disrepecting me.

That was Sunday. 

Monday came and I woke up to Angel confronting me “hey you got a problem with me and edgar? wassup? whats up?” all confrontational and shit. Excuse me? what do you have to do with me and edgar? nothing. so shut the fuck up. yall are exactly alike. impulsive. emotional. act based on emotional state and dont use ur brains. your like little babies. fuck off. get blocked.

This proved to me that Edgar talks shit about me to his little teenage boys. I know thats true and i don’t forget that day you humiliated me infront of them and my boyfriend because I forgot my wallet.

I do not forget that day you demanded money aand interrp[uted my therapy session 

I do not forget thart day you fucked made me and amy whole fmaily sacred as shit because you broke th4e law lost 2000 dollars from my pops and you gegt away wit it!@!!!!!!!!!! AND I SUFFER FROM NYOUR DISRECXPECT. I9M FUCKING DONE!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU1!!!!!!

Let alone how you treated my brother luis over the uber accounts!!!~! I WAS NOT IN FAVOR WITH YOUR BEHAVIOUR BUT YOU ALWAYS GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING. is my family that made you like that but you must be blamed for it too. 

You betrayed me after all that i did for you, You talk shit behind my back because what? i dont pay rent? you claim you’re better than my family but youre a machista for saying that. because youre the breadwinner you entitiled to disrespect your sister=? you might have learned that from my father. but i wont let you do it again to me. 

i have endured phsyucal violance from ym father, my mother, my brother tony. and im tired of being bullied by you. im your sister. love me. respect me. u have a choice. 

Last thing, you disrespected me and my boyfreidn at the same time with that message. How dare you talk to him like that? You don’t even know him. When have you ever found me talk to you girl like that over our own problems? I never because I know respect. Would you like that to happen to you? Tell your girl about our problems? I don’t tjhink so becuase NO ONE DOES. 

How dare you talk to me in most machista tone ever. “Come get your fucking girl” EXCUSE ME? “girl?!” IM YOUR FUCKING SISTER., I HAVE A NAME. I HAVE A SOUL. IM A PERSON WIRTH FEELINGS THE DESERVES TO LIVE WITH DIGNITY,. THATS A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT. HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE IM SOME OBJECT PASSED AROUND FROM ONE PERSON TO THE NEXT. HOW DARE YOU TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT YOUR SISTER TO HER BOUYFRIEND. YOU WENT OUTTA POCKET. WHAT DO YOU GAIN FROM THATT!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I’m done taking your beatings. I’m done. I’m fucking done. ITS TIME FOR ME TO SET MY BOUNDARIES. IS TIME FOR ME TO SHOW YOU WHEN AND WHERE YOU CROSS THE LINE. IS TIME FOR ME TO START DEFENDING MYSLEF AND SAY NO1!!! 1!!!Q!

In the end, “I’m thankful. Because now I know what I must do”.