#let alone having energy for absolutely insane shit like cooking my food or cleaning my room... i've hit critical point recently

[katyspersonal]

Micolash’s ‘Can somebody, anybody, please look into my eyes?’ and Rom’s ‘I revolt both humanity and the divine, can anyone, anything, please accept me?’. I never realised how they are both absolutely alone in who they are (’: Having no choice but to build a “kind” of their own around themselves (Mico by making corpse marionettes and Rom by rebirthing humans into her spider Kin apparently)

[notveryshrugemoji]

Turns out when I’m not depressed I actually really love physical activity. I haven’t really updated the Wellbutrin experience because I just feel normal. I feel fine. I’m existing happily and like a human for the first time in, honestly, about ten years.

It’s frustrating to see the *light* and understand what I’ve gone through now that I have some distance between crippling, soul crushing depression and my new normal. The amount of time i spent doing nothing at all, too exhausted to function, is insane. I used to feel like 5pm to bedtime during the week was just “recharge” time. I could barely make dinner (and ate fast food or fast meals most days) or muster up any energy to do a chore. I started working really hard at just doing *one* thing a day - clean the bathroom, sweep the floors, do the dishes... shit like that. It’s wild to me now that I can: work an entire day, go for a run, cook/eat dinner and get my dishes done. All while still fitting in a shower and some downtime.

I need significantly less downtime than I used to. I still need about the same amount of alone time but I’m not mad about that. It’s really crazy to just wake up and do things. I’m not filled with dread at the idea of LIVING.

My phychiatrist wants to formally diagnose me ASAP so that my doctor doesn’t take me off of this in the future. The combination of Wellbutrin and Adderall has vastly improved my life but my GP has a tendency to say “well you’ve been doing good for 6 months.. let’s try you off of it for a while”. I will likely get a high-functioning depression diagnosis which is absolutely what I’ve experienced... now that I’m out of it.

So yeah, things I’ve been enjoying (again!) are: hiking, running and being outdoors. I also really love to bake and keep my apartment tidy. My ADHD brain makes things.... disorganized at best... but I’m definitely on top of it now. I’m watering my plants regularly now (I know.. fuck!!). I just make a list of tasks and do them. I’m not overwhelmed anymore. It’s truly just like.. my brain is normal. I am functioning normally. Work is SO MUCH EASIER and I’m actually enjoying it now, instead of just getting through it.

I catch myself smiling absentmindedly. I felt genuinely excited to see my friend and go for a walk with her and her dog. I still cry but it’s a therapeutic cry. I’m still struggling with healing and finding my way but also? I’m not shutting down and avoiding those feelings anymore. I have been utilizing a tactic of “I need to put these feelings in *a box* (or whatever metaphorical place you’d want to put them) and I can think about it when *task is done*”. I’ve kept close track of things I’m putting in *the box* to decide if the thing is an issue or more just on my mind.

I’m journaling! Regularly. And it’s really REALLY helping. I used to be afraid to journal because ge*ff would 100% read it. And then I was afraid to journal bc I didn’t want to have physical evidence of the suffering I was enduring. Now I can write freely about those things and process them in my own way.