#less mad now bcus its still fucked up

[boygirlctommy]

I TAKE EVERYTHING BACK FUCK THE POST HOOT <- just found out that belos goes goop because he eats palismen

[imverafyed]

prisoner to my thoughts

pregnancy made me rethink my relationship. I realized, I have been ready to have a family and hae already grown up, but my husband not. When we got engaged, I thought he would grow up. When we got married I thought he would grow up and mad excuses for him during our engagement due to his health and his current job situation. After marriage I thought he was improving but we would have mini spats that became larger and I realized once again that our fights just fall under 1 umbrella. I can summarize it to “GROW THE FUCK UP.” irresponsibility, selfishness, laziness, lack of motivation bcus of comfort from parents, his attitude of my way only bcus he was so spoiled as child (childhood cancer survivor), and like a child he does not accept blame or see his wrong doings and lashes out like a toddler with a tantrum if corrected. He never really did much to me but i witnessed his behavior more when we lived his parents and it got worse. When I became pregnant I sat him down to say, “you wont be my priority anymore when the baby comes. He will be my priority. I will not continue to baby your tantrums and moods nor will I cater to them to make it easier for you. They dont help me nor will it help our son.” He said he understood and that he will be more proactive. 

He changed for a little bit, but baby was born and he started losing his sleep. he could not handle it, we would fight over role distribution and he ALWAYS brings up his stupid sleep. he needs sleep he needs AT LEAST 12 HOURS of sleep. excuse me? as if, motherfucker. thats what I wanted to say to him bcus that is just selfish. 

last week he got so drunk and was tired and he hit me. its the first time in our 8 year relationship that he hit. me. he punched me twice, once on my right boob (enough that i lost some sensation and my breastfeeding boob does not fill like it used to), and on my right back. he had no recollection of it. he said he would give up drinking.

he is not a bad guy its just i realized i married a boy and as i continue to age my expectation of my partner to also grow up with me and mature and shoulder responsibilities together is not being met. I know you are not expect your partner to change, but i feel this comment is a double sword. If you dated in high school i really hope you dont mean we must marry a 28 year old man with high school boy personality and brain. growing up is changing, its evolving, its taking up different roles. we are not children forever. Its sad to say with all the traits my husband has, the one thing that made me forgive him was that he never hurt me and he tried to the best of his ability to protect me (came from abusive household with CPA and etc). but now that he shattered that by hitting me when drunk, to the point he does not remember scares me.

i told him, i dont love him anymore. i dont know how i feel.

i love my son and believe he is the best thing that came out of our relationship. but i am not okay with my husband. we still fight over stupid stuff, things i dont believe we would fight over with if he had grown up. i feel like i keep sacraficing and he does not. he still complains of his sleep. but we both have lack of sleep. he says since his disease  (bipolar disorder) makes him need more sleep than a normal human, is worse when he does not sleep. it makes me mad that i have to take less sleep because of his selfishness. we used to sleep together and wake up when baby cried, but he said he could not continue to do that.

i know i have PPD but my partner is useless to help me in that retrospect. he basically threw it to my face today that his paternity leave is ending soon, and i would just have to deal with what i am feeling. i told him he still needs to help out. and he said yeah after work but i still need to sleep to work.

i feel like giving up. i really need to start working again, but the field is so competitive that I am not a favorable candidate to work. I want to work so it gives me the freedom to make choices that I feel are my own. 

my husband has good days and even good hours in a day. it makes it confusing for me on my own emotions and thoughts. i am so unsure of myself and my own decisions. if i had a job and savings i can calmy make a choice if i want to remain with him.

my priority is my son and my husband is making the money to ensure we have the necessities to survive. it makes me question, am i just with him now bcus of that? ugh prisoner to my thoughts.

[i-rarely-wear-matching-socks]

instead of doing anything productive I instead made up pokemon teams for a bunch of my ocs. rambling below for anyone interested P:

bcus Sun and Moon was one of the more recent I’ve played I decided to go with that theme-ish mostly just amusing myself here lbr I was gonna doodle them all but I am...lazy and not sure where I put my tablet SO.

Reese just moved to Alola and is mad abt it but whatever he’s still going to have his pkmn journey damnit. His mom gives him 900 tubes of sunscreen as his travel package.

He gets Bubbles the poppilo as his starter, Comfort the gyarados is a gift from his mother who has had her since she was a magikarp. The rest he finds along the way, Calanthe the flabebe, Snuggles the vulpix, Verdant the dhelmise and Spooks the Mimikyu. (you can tell which he named himself and which he got suggestions for I’m SURE. Tho I mean his mom named a magikarp Comfort so like. Maybe it runs in the family.)

Penniah has lived in Alola all his life and its super excited to lead the new kid around. Pen is a bit older and thus a little more experienced. (a whole half a year, like lbr here they’re 10 that's YEARS to them)

He chooses Lychee the rowlet as his starter, Magnolia the furfrow is a gift from his dad and Keahi the marowak is a gift from his mom. The others he catches along the way, Kale the shiny buneary who hates him with all the anger contained in his tiny bunny form and is a constant disaster in battle. Apikalia the hawlucha and Peni the pancham are his newest additions.

Niko has recently moved back to alola after having been away idk where don’t ask me. Currently kind of floating around not sure what he’s going to do with himself he kinda tags along on the kids journey but like to the side so they don’t 100% realize he’s keeping tabs on them. He has a perfectly crafted reason to be wherever they find him each time, its infuriating. Young adultish age and like still an anxious ptsd mess tho honestly idk how that would come abt in a pkmn setting.

Lizhu the shiny manectric is a Good Girl™, she’s a trained ptsd doggo and is extremely protective of her mess of a trainer. She’s never in her pokeball and at this point Niko probably doesn’t even know where he put it. She probably hid it. (its buried in Tek’s yard somewhere.) Uilani the raichu is a trouble maker but doesn’t mean any harm. She’s Niko’s first choice in battle even though she’s as likely to play tricks as listen. Orb the natu was a gift he got while away and he won’t really talk about where he got him but the natu is v attached to him & Ridi and prefers to be carried at all times. Aloalo the oricorio is the first pokemon he caught upon his return to Alola they’re still figuring each other out. Konani the skarmory and Ekewaka the golem are Niko’s oldest pokemon caught when he did his own journey around the islands.

Ridi (Niko’s daughter, adopted) despite not quite being old enough to start her journey she doesn’t let that stop her and bullies her way into tagging along with Reese and Pen, which is like 90% of the reason Niko is following them too but he wouldn’t admit to that. Niko is kinda vague when asked about the details of adopting her but also obviously adores her so most people just let the subject drop. Ridi wants to be the best EVERYTHING which like, shes 8 so ofc she does but Niko is also a giant softy so he is 100% encouraging of her determination.

Orb the natu is Niko’s gift to Ridi when she convinces him that she’s going to tag along with Pen and Reese. Tbh she probably catches the rest despite her age bcus that’s who she is ngl. Sylveon was probably a gift as an eevee.

Tektite (Pen’s dad) idk what he’d been in this AU tbh. Like, law enforcement of some kind? Probably caught up in trying to deal with team Skull? Private investigator? Idk. whatever.

admittedly loosing my attention here with naming everyone’s pokemon WHOOPS. Espeon is def a gift from his wife and he is a spoiled little SHIT. Porygon is his fave bud tho ofc he wouldn’t admit to having a fave. Magnemite WILL paralyze you don’t tempt him. Absol and Houndoom are a power couple and better than u in every way. 

Dailesa (Pen’s mom) probably like a rescue/breeder type person? Rescuing abandoned pokemon or something? Likes the less ‘cute’ pokemon, hasn’t competitively battled in years but would most likely fuck u up.

tbh I assembled her team mostly under the ‘doesn’t really appeal to me so it’ll appeal to her aesthetic’. Shiinotic is her first choice in battle bcus I said so. Rockruff is her most recent rescue not usually her style since hes cute but hey.

Suha, ok I’m just being self indulgent at this point I have no idea how Suha and company would fit in this AU maybe something to do with the Aether foundation I really don’t know ok. There’s a cult somehow somewhere for these nerds ok? Good.

I found my tablet and did actually doodle these guys aside from Sylveon bcus he’s hard to draw. (ignore that Suha’s lap is like huge, ok. idk abt their names. Suha is probably more creative than 10yr old Reese but like who knows. I am obv not creative so.)

Ellison, 100% self indulgence now. I really have no story for these.

Whatever life they lead in this AU I’m sure Ellison is still under his father’s thumb and doing his dirty work for him. While still probably being hopelessly in love with Suha. I’m sure its fine.

Elias, (Ellison’s dad) def still terrible, self serving and narcissistic I’m sure.

probably still starts a cult of somekind lbr. idk how or to what end for this setting but like. Does it really matter.

ok that's enough self indulgence thank u if u got this far I’m amazed. pls feel free to encourage me further. P: