#leonardmccoyangst

[kaitymccoy123]

Unimaginable

(the title is a Hamilton reference **surprise surprise** from the song “It’s Quiet Uptown - “going through the unimaginable”)

Intro: I am going to preface this fic by saying I am so sorry.  Like holy moly.  I honestly have no idea where this came from but I guess I was in an angsty mood and this just put itself together in my brain.  

This is for the ever-so-lovely @trekken81‘s Ed Sheeran Challenge and I chose the song Dive.

I didn’t know the song before writing this fic, and honestly struggled for a while with it.  But then I thought of one of the drabbles that I wrote for 400 followers, and it really connected with this song.  It is The One Where Leonard Drowns - you can see already where the angst is coming from.  Feel free to read that one first, as it may give you some context into the ‘memories’ that are dispersed through the story, but you should be able to read this without reading the drabble. 

Pairing: Bones x reader

Word Count: 1,700

Warnings: Heavy on the angst.  Small amounts of fluff but it only makes the angst hurt more.  Sorry.  Brief description of CPR.  A lot of sadness.  

ALSO: The formatting for this one is pretty weird.  It makes sense in my brain but that’s probably because I wrote it lol.  So if it doesn’t make sense I’m sorry. The italicized words are memories, the non-italicized words are current events, and the lyrics for the song are italicized and indented.  

-Enjoy!-

“Tell me what to do!  I need you to tell me what to do!”

His ribs crunched beneath your hands as you pounded on his chest. 

“I need you, Leonard.”

You dug the heel of your palm into your eyes, trying to dispel the images. 

The feeling of his lips, strikingly cold, unnaturally cold against yours as you forced air into his lungs.

Gasping, tears stinging your eyes, you scrubbed at your lips with your hand until they were numb. 

A knock.

The snap of a twig, the aliens approaching, and you curled over his un-moving body protectively. 

You looked through watery eyes to see a silhouette at your door. 

The form was leaning against the frame, and it struck another memory into your brain. 

Maybe I came on too strong Maybe I waited too long Maybe I played my cards wrong Oh just a little bit wrong Baby I apologize for it 

“Is this seat taken?” 

Hazel eyes glided into your view, framed by a tan face, dark hair, and a gentle smile. 

“Yes, actually, it’s reserved for my feet.” You smirked up at him and stuck your feet up onto the chair. 

“And why aren’t those feet out on the dance floor?  Especially since they are connected to a beautiful young woman such as yourself.” A handsome smile curled at his lips.

You rolled your eyes and huff, but you couldn’t hide a grin, “Are you asking me to dance...”

“Leonard.  Leonard McCoy.”

Another knock, and a soft voice, indecipherable behind the closed door. 

“You’re an asshat, Leonard McCoy.”

Footsteps were following close behind you,“Wait, Y/N, I can explain. Just stop.”

You didn’t. 

“I always meet douchy guys at that bar, I thought I was wrong for once.  Guess the streak continues.”

You fumbled with your keys, frustrated with your shaking hands. 

“Come on, darlin’.  Let me explain.” He appeared at your side, taking your keys and deftly unlocking the door in one controlled movement. 

“No.” You stepped into the room, blocking Leonard from entering, “And don’t call me ‘darlin’’.”

You slammed the door in his face. 

Stepping in, you threw your bag against the wall and pressed your hands to your forehead before dragging your fingers through your hair and letting a few tears fall.  Looking back towards the door, you saw his silhouette just outside the translucent glass, leaning up against the door frame, as if he was pressing his forehead against the door. 

“Hey, Y/N?  I’m sorry.  Listen, I really am.  Y/N?”

Another knock woke you from your memory. 

“Y/N? Are you in there?” An voice just outside the door. 

Your tongue was thick in your mouth, your limbs heavy, and you couldn’t bring yourself to move from your fetal position on the bed. 

I could fall or I could fly Here in your aeroplane I could live, I could die Hanging on the words you say I've been known to give my all And jumping in harder than 10,000 rocks on the lake

“Y/N?” The swishing of the door. 

A splash.  You didn’t realize at the time but every moment after that sound would be the worst moments of your life. 

You twisted in the sheets, your legs getting tangled and you felt like you were trapped. 

You were dragged under again.  No air.  You struggled against the dead weight that you had your arms wrapped around and you barely managed to breach the surface.  Air. 

Your toes finally found purchase on the sheets and you were able to kick them off.  Air. 

Through your kicking and thrashing you somehow managed to move to where your tip toes touches the sand below the freezing water.  You couldn't let go of the weight that dragged you backwards.  You couldn't let go. 

A hand on your shoulder, a face hovering over you.

"Hey, did you hide my socks?" A warm breath tickled your hair and you peeled your eyes open. 

"What?" The words slid out of your sleepy lips. 

"My socks." Leonard's face was inches from yours, his body hovered over yours, "You know, the yellow-striped ones, I can't find them." 

"Ohhhh." You sighed, turning over under the blankets, pulling it up under your chin as you settled back into the bed, your eyes falling shut again, "Havn' seen 'em."

"I need them, darlin', my shift starts in 5 minutes." Leonard carded his hands through your hair and pulled at the blankets. 

"Nooo." You groaned, sliding deeper, away from his caressing hands, "Iz not my fault you need your stupid lucky socks."

"They're not stupid, and I have a really important surgery today so just tell me where they are.  I know you know." He revealed your head from under the blankets and started nuzzling around your face, his voice vibrating off your skin, making you giggle. 

"I don't know, you weirdo." You leaned into the soft kisses he was pressing against your neck, sinking your fingers into his hair. 

"You're lying." A kiss to your lips. 

"And how would you know that?" 

"Because, darlin', I know every inch of you, I can tell when you're lying." His hands slid under the blankets now, dancing his fingers down your arms, and you jumped at the coolness of his fingers against your skin. 

"If-if you know everything inch of me, how could you miss...THIS?!" You teased, tugging down the blankets in one swoop and revealing your body, and your yellow-striped-sock-covered-feet.

"You..." Leonard teased, growling before nearly attacking you with a kiss, setting fire to your skin. 

And before you could stop him he was pulling at the socks on your feet, and you were sent into a fit of giggles.  You screeched as his hands roughly slid up your legs, having freed your feet from the socks, and reached your upper body, pinning your wrists to the bed.  

"You are so going to pay for that, darlin'."

“Lass?  Lass?  Y/N?” A hand smoothing down your spine. 

You struck out, connecting with something soft and hearing a quiet “oof”. 

Springing your eyes open, you saw Scotty, a hand pressed to his arm. 

“Scotty?” Your voice scratched at your throat. 

“Aye.” He rubbed his arm.

“Did I hit you?” You sat up on your elbows a bit. 

“No worries, lassie.”

Moving to the edge of the bed, you touched your toes to the ground, focusing on the feeling of the steady floor beneath your feet.  You weren’t drowning.  You were okay. 

Then, a voice.  You weren’t sure if it was Scotty’s or your own. 

“It’s time.” 

His name was the last thing on your lips before the world went black.

“Leonard.”

You met Scotty’s sad gaze. 

The force it took to tilt your head into a nod was unimaginable. 

So don't call me baby Unless you mean it Don't tell me you need me If you don't believe it So let me know the truth Before I dive right into you

"Don't say that."

"Say what?" 

"That you love me."

"Why not?"

"Because of your face."

"My face?"

"You look so serious."

"So?"

"It means you mean it."

"I do mean it."

"Well that's not good."

"Why not?"

"Because I love you, too."

Every step next to Scotty was excruciating.  His hand on your lower back was basically the only thing keeping you upright. 

Then, the room, too white, always too white, too clean, too familiar.  A figure in the bed, too silent, too peaceful, too still, too familiar.    

A shiver went down your spine, the cool wind rustling the treetops stung your soaked skin.  A gray form was splayed out on the beach.

“Leonard.”

You fell next to him, somehow making it onto a chair, somehow not falling to your knees as you took his hand, as his fingers didn’t close around yours.

You leaned in, resting your head on Leonard’s chest, praying to hear anything, any sign of life.

His breathing was even and steady, his heart was beating, not as strong as the the day before, or the day before that, or the day before that.  

Your heart was beating, not as strong as the day before, or the day before that, or the day before that.  You wondered if it’d stop today.

“You stupid idiot.  Why did you have to make me love you?” You spoke to an empty room, to empty ears. 

“Because this would be a hell of a lot easier if I didn’t love you.” Tears created crevices on your cheeks. 

“But I do.” You smiled. 

“See my face? This is my serious face.”

You leaned in close, touching your nose to his. 

“Tell me what to do!  I need you to tell me what to do!”

A kiss to his unconscious lips. 

“I need you, Leonard.”

A knock.  

A twig snapping.

A sympathetic gaze. 

Dark forms appear deep in the forest. 

Panic.  This was not happening again. 

Fear flashed over your skin and you ran your fingers over his chest, pressing down as hard as you could, trying to get blood moving, is that what you're supposed to do?

"Wake up!  Please wake up!" Hot tears dripping down your cheeks. 

“Wake up, Leonard.  I need you.”

A buzzing made you lift your head and you realized that the doctor was talking to you, explaining what was going to happen.  It was like it was another language.  

Monitors were being shut off, wires disconnected, a curtain pulled back.  You were drowning. 

You curled closer to him as a dark form loomed over you. 

“Please, Leonard, come back to me.”

Then, he wasn’t connected to anything anymore.  He looked like him.  Like he was sleeping  

And then you were alone. 

Beep.  Beep.  A heartbeat. 

I could fall or I could fly Here in your aeroplane

"I don't deserve a second chance, I know."

"That's the problem.  You do."

Beep.  Beep. 

I could live, I could die Hanging on the words you say

"You have bewitched me, body and soul..."

"That's from Pride and Prejudice."

"Doesn't make it any less true."

Beep.  Beep. 

I've been known to give my all And lie awake, every day

"You did all this?  For me?"

"Oh, darlin', have you not been paying attention at all?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Anything."

"What-?"

"I would do anything for you."

Don't know how much I can take

"Come back to me."

Beep. 

-Thanks for reading!  I hope you liked it!-

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