#lemme tell u what tho when u are 30-something and ur adulting 24/7 and So Many Things actually are your problem to take responsibility for

[ariaste]

Also, the corollary of this: That Eleanor Roosevelt quote, "No one can hurt you without your consent." All too often when we feel discomfited by something, we allow ourselves to immediately give up our power to the thing/person, especially when we do not feel secure and confident in ourselves and our identities. We want external validation that we are Real, but Real only ever comes from inside you.

Example: If a random lady at the supermarket misgenders me -- even if she does so maliciously! -- it doesn't make me an iota less nonbinary. I'm nonbinary because *I* say so; her opinion has very little to do with me. She might as well waste her breath all day long trying to tell the sky that it is green for all the good that it'll do changing objective facts. Additionally, if she's so bigoted that she wants to try to ruin my day with kindergarten name-calling, then that's rather sad and pathetic of her, but it's not my problem to deal with, nor anything that I have to spend my energy on. Getting angry at her for the purposes of forcing her to validate my identity is... well, it's silly, isn't it? If a bully on the playground calls you a stinky butthead, you don't burst into tears and say "Take it back, I'm NOT a stinky butthead!!!!" because that means that you've implicitly agreed to the rules of their game, in which you might be a stinky butthead. You take back power when you change the rules, or when you refuse to play their game. You smile and walk away, and that makes them madder than anything else because that sort of person just wants to get a rise out of you so they can have a cheap thrill and feel like they're winning.

If someone tries to make you uncomfortable with yourself, you can simply choose not to let them. Though yes, I know it is not actually "simple" -- it takes a LOT of practice. When you first start trying this, it is okay if you're seething on the inside, or upset. This is a skill you can build up slowly. Eventually, you become the walking avatar of "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

Turns out we did learn all our useful human-ing skills on the playground, huh?

Now, to fend off the inevitable counterarguments of "So you're saying we should just put up with bigotry? We should just let atrocities happen around us and smile and walk away?": No, that's not what I'm saying. The two crucial factors are scale and impact.

The factor of scale means "if it's one individual yelling at you (another individual), you can just simper 'god bless you' or 'Jesus died for our sins' at them (if you're in America, they're probably Christian, and this particular flavor of Christian will Hate This because they cannot help but recognize it as a winning chess move in the interaction) and walk off". Scale does NOT mean "If a politician is trying to pass a bigoted law that will harm you and your friends, you can just ignore that, haha."

The factor of impact means, "If one stranger at the supermarket is being verbally rude to you (another individual), you can just think to yourself 'hm, dunno what's going on with this person but whatever it is, it's is not as important to me as choosing a box of cereal' and return to choosing a box of cereal." It does NOT mean "if someone you know who has power to materially impact your life (ie: a boss who could come up with fake reasons to fire you) is starting to pick fights because they're a bigot, you can just shrug it off." It also does NOT mean "if someone is coming at you with the intent to cause physical harm, just put your earphones in and turn on some chill low-fi beats to get murdered to."

Don't get murdered. Do stand up against institutional injustice. But also remember that you are an individual, interfacing with other individuals, and sometimes choosing a box of cereal is more important than giving a Local Karen the satisfaction of pissing you off.

SO, in summary:

Don't weaponize your discomfort against other people.

Don't let other people weaponize your discomfort against you either.

Which means that the golden rule is: So many things can be labeled "Not my circus, not my monkeys" if you try hard and believe in yourself.

I think we could all benefit from learning how to sit with discomfort

We live in a world where one’s personal discomfort is weaponized to justify bigotry or stripping of bodily autonomy

We need to learn that others’ lives don’t and shouldn’t cater around our own personal icks