#leave me alone shiloh i should be writing claire

[likethetailofacomet]

Burden

A prequel to Choice- Shiloh lines up a back up plan. 

Warning: nothing is explicitly mentioned in this prequel, however infertility is implied if read with/ before/ after Choice. 

Musical accompaniment: Various Storms and Saints by Florence and the Machine

Tagging: @ooo-barff-ooo @zaffrenotes@sleepwalkingelite @brightpinkpeppercorn @endlessly-searching-for-you @nekkidmolerat @notoriouscs @cordoniantrash@endlesshero1122 @mind-reader1 @indiacater@moneyfordiamonds @simmerbychoices let me know if you’d like to be added or removed 

“Adrian,” they had been working silently together, music playing softly in the background. Or at least, Adrain had been working:Shiloh's mind had been far too busy, too noisy. The words she'd heard the day before rumbling a jackhammer beat, keeping her from focusing on the mountainous pile of documents on her desk. She'd tried but the words on the page kept rearranging themselves, swirling until they became a language she wasn't familiar with. It caused pressure behind her eyes so she finally stopped trying, looking across the room to see his hazel eyes trained on her.

“Yes, Shiloh?” He held a pen between his fingers, suspended in the middle of adding his signature to some contract or application.

She set the document that she had been wrestling with down and stood from her chair, arms crossed over her chest as she paced towards the bookcase. She could feel Adrian's eyes still on her, could feel how he sensed that something was wrong. He was her boss, yes, but he was also one of her best friends; in truth he was more like the older brother she'd always wanted. Regardless of how much trepidation she had about having  conversation, she knew she'd have to eventually. Especially since Adrian was with you when you passed out, remember? He knows everything, more than Jax does. You owe him answers, you know he's been worried. She looked over to him and her resolve crumbled a bit. He'd set the pen down and pushed his chair back slightly, not sure if he should rise and come towards her.

“I... can we talk about something that isn't work for a minute?” she asked in a small, shaking voice.

Seeing the way her face had fallen, brow furrowed and usually bright eyes gone flat, he made his decision and stood up, crossing the room in just a few quick strides. He reached out to lightly touch her arm, as if the gesture could reduce her burden- he wished it could. “Of course,” he said, trying to keep his eyes level. He knew without a doubt what she was about to bring up- he'd noticed how distracted she'd been all day, how quiet she was, how she didn't touch the food she'd brought, how her coffee had gone cold hours ago. He'd seen the change in her eyes, in the way she moved, and he knew- he knew that she'd been expecting a phone call yesterday morning...and that she'd taken one, in private, yesterday afternoon.

She took a deep breath. “I heard back from... you know... and... its,” she paused, biting at her cuticles- her least favorite attribute of her own, stress bringing it out in her. “Its like I thought. I... I won't be able to...” she didn't have to finish, she'd shared her concerns with Adrian after her first appointment. He knew what she was saying, and it hurt him to see her hurting, to see her trying so hard to keep it together while she felt like she was falling apart. But he strained to keep the hurt from showing, to keep her from feeling pity or sorrow from him...it wasn't what she needed. She needed support, so that's what he'd give her. He wrapped her in a hug, rubbing her back soothingly. She squeezed him briefly before detaching herself and looking up at him. “Its...there's also more, though...other things to...other risks to consider. I'm,” she looked away and breathed out. “I'm having the discussion,” she brought her eyes back up to his and he nodded, he knew what she meant, “with Jax later. But...Adrian, if he says no...” she put her hand on his arm. “If he says no, will you say yes?”

Adrian froze, completely unsure of how to answer. He wanted to assure her of course, to tell her yes right away, that he'd help her should Jax refuse. But he knew how much the man loved Shiloh, how fiercely he tried to protect her, how he tried to shelter her from the darker sides of their world. He knew that Shiloh had brought this up to Jax before and that he'd shot it down, and he understood Jax's reasons. But having had a much longer time to think about things- to see and feel and experience things  like loss and pain- than Jax, Adrian could also understand giving in to Shiloh's request and feeling that it was the right thing to do; for her...for himself...even for Jax.

“Shiloh,” he started, keeping his voice as even as possible. “I...I know that you're hurting but-”

“Then say yes, Adrian, please,” she pleaded. He took in the bags beneath her eyes, the pale color of her skin. She'd not been sleeping; she hadn't had trouble sleeping since they'd dealt with Gaius years before, but he could see the same symptoms reflected in front of him, and he ached to give her some relief.

“You'll talk to Jax first,” he said finally, ultimately giving in like he knew he would.

“Yes,” she breathed, and hugged his midsection, pressing her face to his chest. “Yes, and I hope you won't have to Adrian...I...I know I shouldn't ask you, I'm with Jax but...but thank you,” she let the tears that she'd been holding in trickle out now, hoping beyond hope that Jax would agree and that she wouldn't have to burden Adrian more than she already had.

“Why don't you go home now then,” he suggested after a long moment of letting her clutch his chest like a pillar in a storm, “Jax is probably home, you should talk to him Shiloh...even if he says no...you...you should tell him what you know. He loves you, its unquestionable, and I know you love him.” he looked down at her and offered a kind smile, the one that he'd given her on her first day with Raines Corp., that he'd always used to put her at ease. “Go ahead, go home early...or, late,” he shrugged trying to make her smile with a joke about their unconventional working hours.

Shiloh nodded, thanked Adrian- he knew she was thanking him for more than just the early dismissal- and grabbed her things to leave. She raced to the apartment only to find Jax sprawled out asleep in their bed, the moonlight streaming in highlighting his handsome features, glinting off his jet black hair. She slowly removed her shoes, followed by her jeans and shirt, all the while watching Jax sleep, thinking about how much she loved him, how perfect their lives were together...and how she could wait just a little while before she ruined it with their discussion. She climbed into bed with him, snuggling to his side, holding her breath so as not to wake him. Just let me enjoy this...just for a bit. She tried to close her eyes and sleep, tried to melt into Jax's side, but instead she found herself staring at the ceiling, the pit in her stomach not letting her enjoy it, not at all.