#leave me alone im just a wee birthday boy (its not my birthday what am i on about)....... i will get to those wips eventually Myabe.

[camzverse]

Hmm i should draw vanessa and gregory more (avoids eye contact with my one jillion unfinished vanessa and gregory wips)

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I feel like I have so many doors,

I don't know which ones to choose. But all of them I know which ones I wanna try learning and doing. Cause why not? Why keep imagining it? Nothing holding me back anymore, not even me. Except probably the fat, but that's insecurity. I'm not afraid to say what I am anymore or what I want to do in life. when ppl ask me and they say "ok weirdo"

I won't get offended anymore. I'll tell them and walk away. Lol its uselesss to please ppl, they'll always look for something else for you to do for them. Cause ppl who aren't pleased with themselves, aren't pleased with the world. And sadly that means everyone else in their worlds, will know exactly what I'm talking about until they stop caring too.

Its not you, its them. Be who you want to be it, and it won't matter. I t won't make sense to some, but who do you have to prove? Nobody except you and God.

Now go out there, sign up for dance classes, go back to school or don't got to school; the world is your education.

The school of life has hard knocks, it'll make you fall hard, deep in the asshole to a desecrating pulp, it'll push you out if you let it. You have the power the whole time, you do have control over your life, its just the resources, the connects, the opportunities wee see...you need to take advantage, take heed, but don't hurt other people to take advantage and be the better stead.

Life's not a competition. What's the rush? Is it a race between you and your past or between you and your future?

Who do you wanna be? What do you wanna look like, now, in this present moment?

What do your hands say, who do you see in the mirror? What have you learned so far? How far you wanna go in life? The average expectancy for a black man is in his 80's. Im going for 102, cause its similar to my birthday. I will be the funniest grandma ever.

I'm not gonna be old and alone after my music career. And yea, I'm doing it. I'm not gonna be afraid because my face doesn't look like everyone else's. I'm not gonna let the beauty standards of the world stop me from feeling pretty or feeling smart or feeling beautiful about myself. But I am gonna lose weight. I am getting stronger. And I will be better.

I will become a teacher, an artist, a painter, a producer, a sound foley artist, a musician, model, photographer, photography shoot director, video game designer, animator, a singer, pianist, drummer, violinist, guitarist, trumpet player, saxophone, therapist, counselor, pilot, driver, speed-racer, gardener, business owner, hotel/inn/airbnb/b&b owner, wood carver, car detail artist, shoe designer for plus size women with big feet, pyrographist, graffiti artist, poet, writer, journalist, korean/international music producer, illustrator, a house builder, an architect, treehouse builder, a mother, a herbal medicine maker, sex toy producer, mixologist, board game maker, movie theatre owner, sailor, music video director, movie director, costume maker, set designer, dancer, gymnast or at least try gymnastics, mma/martial artist, kickboxer, football player, basketball/soccer/volleyball/lacrosse player, track runner, 420/cbd grower, florist, party designer, interior designer, world traveller, volunteer, shelter worker, deep dive swimmer, tattoo artist, body painter, t-shirt maker, pottery maker, art teacher/music teacher, a healer, a spiritual therapist, relationship/marriage counselor, sex therapist.

I've always wanted to make a summer program for girls too. Those helped me when I was younger in florida and barely even spoke to anybody.

Omg, I just heard my heart say "I want a boy" and I've never said that before. What would my son's name be?

I used to be afraid of having kids and being a mother because I was afraid I would do it wrong? Like overthinking the worst because of what happened to me...

I know God will bring the best parts out of me and pour it into the seed of my son or a daughter if the genes come out to be that way.

I wish I wasn't such a cynic, but I know that will change too in a more positive attitude once I get my own beach house. Its been my dream to live by the water. Have a lakehouse too in the forest, with our own boat....whoever that person I'm supposed to be with at the time its made to be so.

Letting go of Jay and my dream to be married to them and their S.O, really did open me up to more possibilities. Better achievements.

I wouldn't have gone back to school to get my masters in psychology had I not met them and got mistreated that much.

Im glad I didn't stay in Flint just to be near them. God intended it for me the leave. I will look at the burn on my hand from that day with my mom, as a reflection to never let the heat of the matter overcome me to where I'm not who I am anymore. Be quick to listen, slow to respond, and slow to anger as He said in the bible.

I shall do all these things through Christ that strengthen me and more. There's so much more I wanna do, I wanna learn, explore, and give a whole bunch to the world to see and inspire. Yea I hope I inspire others and comfort them through their pain. Im a lover, a giver, a healer, with a heart of gold. Nobody can break that. I have visions and messages from Him to share. God knows my eyes have seen and heard many things and stories to tell. I write about them and continue to do so.

So I let these people in my life who have took me away from myself and I came right back where I started.

But I learned who I am now. And they love me too. We'll always remember each other, no matter what. I won't forget you.

Trust me I've tried a 1,000 times already lol 😁 Good luck to you both.

[whatitellmyfriends-blog]

Turning the BIG 40!!!

I can't even believe I had to write the above title! How is it even possible that I am almost 40? How did I get here so fast? What did I think 40 was? What do I think 40 will be? Truth is I never gave it much thought until it was closer in front of me rather than something in a galaxy far far away.  Everyday that passes though here it comes faster and faster!

I get that 40 is just a number, deep down I still feel like an awkward teenager.  Im the one looking around thinking “oh that mom is way older than me, look at all her responsibilities” then “that mom” tell she she's only 34 and I gasp in shock! I hang out with my 26 year old clients and feel like one of the girls mean while Im almost twice their age! denial?..maybe..but i would prefer to say that with a Jamacian accent explaining it is simply a river in Egypt.

40 is something my parents once were, 40 is like real adulting, in your 40′s weird stuff happens to your body, 40 is halfway to 80, 40 is like there is absolutely no excuse to not have your sh*&t together!!! 40 is when I should be able to understand my kids math homework but somedays math homework still has me in tears!!

40 is just a number, bigger than 30 but still just a number..lol..there is nothing wrong with being something my parents once were, truth is everyday I wake up and put my feet on the ground is a great blessing that i give thanks for everyday. Looking back I just never really thought one day I would be where my parents were, but here I am killing it!! lmao! “real adulting” as I like to call it is something I have been doing for quite sometime now, managing my own business for 15 years, being a wife for almost 10, a mom for almost 9, owning our own home and maintaining it well ( minus weeds, weeds don't count they pop up faster than my grey hairs).  We pay bills and taxes on time, have a family calendar and no car alone..lol. 40 is halfway to 80 (dang maybe I'm better in math that i think..hahahahaha) wouldn't it be really awesome to be 80 one day! and Lets be honest I have my sh*t together thats never been a problem!

40 is just this new found stage.  Im not having anymore babies, or planning a wedding (just a big birthday party).  Im not buying my first house or even my first car.  Girls nights are few and far between.  Im not spending $120 on a single digit pair of jeans or even buying sexy bras and underwear (sorry dave lol) There are no more impromptu vacations to far away lands, the gym is so much work now, weight doesn't fall of like it used to, instead hairs pop up in unwanted places and i have to pluck a grey eyebrow here and there(wth??).There are no more weekly playdates with mom groups or long walks through the mall with a sleeping baby.  This new found stage I find myself venturing into has me searching out small babies to have a wee cuddle with, handing them back thankful I have some independent children.  It has me planning a 10th anniversary and big birthday bash.  It has me decorating and picking out furniture for house I am blessed to have that I Love and get to watch my kids grow up in.  It has me walking the aisles of a thrift store relishing in a great deal for a growing family.  I may not be a single digit size anymore but I am thankful everyday for a body that made two beautiful healthy children and allows me to keep up with them everyday, and lets be honest, who needs sexy bras and underwear.  I want comfortable, Id consider it like winning the lottery if I could just find one pair that fit properly.  I mean if they aren't rolling down under my mum tum I have to pull them up so high some weird stuff falls out the sides! Butt wedgies, Vag wedgies! (struggle is real don't deny) Lets not even talk about bras! Seriously ! Th prices for something to hold my boobies! Remember the good old days when boys would do that for free!! hahahahaha!! Now I have to pay like $60 for something that holds my front boobs but does absolutely nothing for my back boobs!! (oh the horror!! shock! gasp!) I never ever feel like the flawless victoria secret model when I put that on! what a scam!!

This stage finds me walking beside girlfriends going thru marriage struggles, divorces, miscarriages, financial stress, job loss, career change.  This season has me realizing I need to set boundaries for healthy relationships, that my health and well being isn't just for me anymore.  I have people under the same roof as me that count on me for their daily needs.  During this season I am most days overwhelmed with laundry and dishes, noticing the dust under the couch, resigned to one piece bathing suits and thinking about eliminating underwear completely to avoid all noted issues above.LMAO! Also I have noticed that when u are in your 40′s its totally an unwritten rule that you never go to a girlfriends house without wine and you never leave without drinking the whole bottle together.  Wine becomes a staple like salt on the dinner table, “and heres mommas wine”.  All of a sudden your drinking daily and its totally acceptable..LMAO.  Girls nights and impromptu vacations have turned into a family calendar that takes up a whole kitchen wall, gigs, events and activities are all written down.  We plan who’s in charge of finding a sitter and when gramma is coming back to us from vacation!! We do our best to squeeze things in , no one sleeps till noon anymore, there is always something to do.  Vacations circle around kids enjoyment and are never restful, but boy they are fun!!

So I have decided to prove to myself that age is just a number I have made a list of 40 things I want to do before I turn 40.  I made my vision board and have started making them happen and it feels so great for the self-care aspect of life.  I mean if we don't look after ourselves how on earth are we supposed to look after others.  This year before I turn 40 I just want to push myself a little bit harder to get to somewhere I have never been before. 40 is coming and it is coming fast!!  I want to make sure that everyday I am blessed with is the best day! that I am living my best life! Wish me luck! if I figure out how to post this, the list will follow..lol!!

[freelytinystudentblog-blog]

Beginning

So I guess for starters Im gonna say i am probably going to remain anonymous for a while. Also this stuff might get deep and personal so ill change all names. Since freelytinystudentblog is ridiculously long im just going to go but Eve because why not. Im not trying to look for attention posting all this stuff but i need an outlet and what better way to do it than anonymously on a website where it probably wont get read. So if you do happen to stumble onto this page then welcome. Hopefully you wont get bored. I guess its time for me to start with the beging which would be about 3ish years ago when I was a wee little lass and believed that because i was 13 i was basically the shit(which i obvously wasnt). I had moved a total of 3 times which doesnt seem too bad but it was always when i got really attached to people we moved and i never spoke to them again. This time was no different. We moved from one small town to another. Being one of the only mixed kids there besides my brother was surprisingly positive and annoying. Why youre probaly not asking? Well because my hair was everyones interest. A big ball of poof i always threw into a pony tail because honestly there wasnt much else to do with it. Everyone wanted to play with it or see how much stuff i could hide in it. It was fun at first but quickly got annoying. While there was that downside to the town it also had some positives. For example it was there that i realized that i was bisexual. To be honest i never thought about liking girls until my boyfriend at the time and his friend were talking about how they were both Bi and i said it to fit in a little. I didnt actually believe it until i realized the way girls made me felt. How i always caught myself looking at their chests and their butts, and how i fell for my friend Taylor. She was my first offical girl crush. Anyway this is getting a little off topic though it was important. Like i said there were many positives like the cool friends i got to meet, I got into blood in the dance floor and had a little emo phase and met a guy i thought id be with forever. That all sounds good but with all positives comes negatives. I began to get super depressed and even cut a few times. I felt trapped in my relationship with Damien. Whenever we fought hed threaten to kill himself or say stuff like “without you id kill myself” which is a shitty thing to say to someone in my opinion. I started doing things id never do like sneaking my boyfriend over and all that. But the biggest neutral that happened was me losing my virginity. No big deal it seems but i was freshly turned 14 and he was 16. We werent safe there was no protection. I know losing your virginity is supposed to be meaningful but i dont remember it. I wasnt drunk or anything so i dont know why i dont remember it. Anyway a couple weeks later i snuck out and walked around town and ended up having sex again in the graveyeard(insert judgement here) I knew something was wrong soon after. I felt sick so i told him i thought i was pregnant. He paled and asked if i was would i abort it. I instantly said no because i dont believe in abortions. After that night things got weird. Me my mom and my brother went to Tennessee. Driving up the mountains i felt sick to my stomach which i brushed off as carsickness. We get back from our vacation and i started craving the weirdest shit like frozen hot pockets, whole packages of cheese ect. I caught myself randomly thinking about having a baby and got scared. I ended up having my older family friend get me a pregnancy test and surprise surprise i was el prego. I cried for about 5 minuets before shutting down. I didnt know how to feel i was only 14. I called and  told Damien that night and he was as shocked as i was. Later on he told me he started crying after we hung up. So a few days later i went home and told mom. She wasnt as mad as i thought she would be. She refused to let me give the baby up for adoption because it was my mistake and i had to live with it. I dont think i couldve done it anyway. No one really understands how attached you get to the little baby inside you. I believe the same day i told the rest of my family. My grandma didnt talk to me for a couple of months. I had an aunt who told me i needed to give it up for adoption because i was gonna ruin the babys life.I had another aunt not let me see my cousin Bri for atleast 6 months which hurt so much. Me and bri are like sisters we’ve been almost inseperable ever since we were little which is funny since shes younger than me. Damien was determined to stay in the babys life and not leave no matter what. Me being pregnant at such a young age wasnt easy. I lost most of my friends and began homeschooling which was terrible. The nine months of me being pregnant was basically filled with me fighting with my boyfriend getting insanely jealous, cheating, and more sex. We shouldve left each other months ago. Looking back i shouldve left sooner. It was a toxic relationship for both of us. 9 months later my baby boy was born. Mister Phoenix. My angel. It was kind of ridiculous damien and i fought even in the hospital. We brought phoenix home and i was hoping the relationshup would get better. It didnt. I caught him sexting his ex and swore to break it off with him. I didnt. I swore to myself i wasnt going to let my baby grow up without a father. In july 2015 we moved 45 minuets away. Damien came on the weekends because my mom picked him up and took him home. That laster all summer until school started and he couldnt anymore. It seemed like us being apart made us fight even more. By november he broke up with me. Now i was 15 and a single mother. I was devasted. I had no one to turn to since i didnt have any friends in my new town. I was alone and began eating my depression away. Every month on the 11th i would sit down and cry. I wasnt in a good state. By 2016 i swore to myself id move on from Damien and become an amazing mother but it was so hard He kept popping in every 3 months or so flirting with me making me fall for him over and over again only to get crushed over and over again. It was a hellish cycle but honestly im glad i went though it. Why you ask? Well simply because every time he left itd give me more reason to stop liking him and even hating him. Now he texts me and i just roll my eyes. Going through that definately helped me move on. He wasnt there for any of the birthdays and i honestly am glad. I understand its my kids father but i grew up with a dad who lived in the same city and still couldnt come see me. I dont want my baby going through that. Once hes older i plan on explaining everything and giving him a choice of whether he wants to get in contact with his father or not. Itll be completely up to him. Now before you start judging me to hard think about this. I became a single parent at 15. The father never visted his son or even asked. Hell this january was the first time he saw phoenix in Two years. Two thats ridiculous. After the very awkward encounter he hasnt bothered asking to see him since. Its hard for people who dont have kids to understand this i know but i know what im doing is for the best. This sunday is going to be his 3rd birthday and his father came up with stupid excuses as usual. Now i know i left out some stuff but some of it is hard to put into words plus if i added anymore itd be unbelievably long. So this was the begining and current i guess. 14 and pregnant. 15 and a single parent. currently almost 18 and still doing it bymyself just a little better. Thats all for now. Ill probably make another one soon about relationships while being a single parent so yeah. Peace.

[podcastmecaptain]

the stim bin

part of advanced PLACEMENT: an ars PARADOXICA high school au about a gang of queer teen nerds, by @estherroberts​ , @podcastmecaptain , and @lizzieraindrops

all three of the aformentioned dorks are equally responsible for the hijinks found in this post. today as well all three aforementioned dorks are neurodivergent folks writing about neurodivergent folks.

click here for the au masterpost | track #ars placement for updates!

ALSO: things aren’t always showing up in the tags, so your most reliable bet is the aforementioned masterpost.

attention: all contents incredibly neurodivergent

everyone shares those fidget cubes

collectively they have like five

in so many colors

esther also designs a giant version that’s like. the size of a KEYBOARD and with lots more options and Bigger

jack builds it

they call it the stimboard deluxe

anthony has nintendo

sally brings him all her childhood games and watches him hyperfocus

sally and anthony were the first autistic friend each other had and they love sharing weird stuff from their childhoods that nobody else liked

they have a lot of overlap of interests and they spent so long without anyone like them who really got them

and they both feel so safe and loved not only with each other but with the whole gang because everyone’s neurodiv af even if they’re not sure in exactly what way

anthony brings notes everywhere

scribble scribble

Doing The Right Thing, Doing Science For Good is sort of his ruling philosophy

a lot of times it’s really easy to lead him down the wrong path if he thinks it’s Science For Good

he has some problems with gullibility

the pressure stimming is too real

PRESSURE! STIM! HUGS!

Big Coats or Lab Coats

fiddling with his glasses

he’s bad at artistic/creative things and just doesn’t get it. he can follow a pattern tho,

polish patterns work for him, especially with tape. he likes taking care of his nails because he’s v tactile, he likes the smooth feeling of the polish and likes tapping his nails

he either gets really anxious or angry about Bad things

breakdowns, breaking things, and weirdly quick recoveries

he could hug people for hours

he usually does if he’s had a panic attack, but other than that acts like he’s fine

canon says sally eats weird and has a disturbing appetite so like,

sally separating EVERY SINGLE FOOD by group and flavor and texture and then like putting one piece of one in her mouth at a time and keeps TALKING CAUSE SHE’S A DORK

other options:

SHREDS EVERYTHING AND EATS IT WITH A STRAW

eats only EXACTLY one quarter of anything at a time and forgets the rest

uses her hands for THINGS SHE SHOULD NOT

burnt things

she love the Cronch

puts things together that should not even touch

jack cries the day he sees her dip pickles in whipped cream and shove a fistful of blue cheese blissfully into her mouth immediately after that

sally’s special interests:

electronics, gadgets, tinkering, SCIENCE, beginning quantum physics, computers

stims by tinkering and uses voice recordings for vocal stims, plays with her hair and bites her nails, spinning, dancing, tapping tools

hands on everything

the dancing is so bad and uses her full body (it’s actually so cute)

is a bad driver bc she either hyperfocuses on the road or she starts TALKING and gets lost in anything BUT driving

sally wears her lab coat everywhere

she plays with the seams, runs the fabric between her fingers, tugs on the corners of it to create pressure on her shoulders

sometimes she spins in a circle just to let the fabric flap behind her like a cape

tags on clothing are EVIL

she takes them out with a seam ripper till there’s no traces

sallys clothes are always a little large and odd bc if they’re not comfy she Dies

no really she’ll end up in a ball somewhere crying because of sensory grossness

she has serious sensory processing issues

sometimes it’s really a Drag but she loves fiddling with things so much and it feels so good and she wouldn’t give it up for the world

she has a watch that sometimes she’ll make clicking noises along with the tick tick tick tick

lots more under the readmore!

sally is the queen of weighted blankets

she always has one readily accessible in case she needs to wrap up in it

the gang Knows this and they’re always asking her to borrow one

like one time esther texts sally like “help me im having sensory issues and i need hugs”

and sally turns up with not one but TWO heavy blankets

(she may have fallen over once or twice trying to carry both of them)

(just these two lil scurrying feet on skinny legs goin patpatpatpat supporting this huge bundle of extra-weighted bedding floating down the hall)

she wraps esther in them and then squeezes her, too

for good measure, sally gets up on her tippie toes and rests her chin on esther’s head

esther, muffled: “i am a burrito now”

sally: “a precious tiny gay burrito”

or, estherrito

bridget puts her in her phone contacts as ‘ettie burrito’

and sally in turn puts her in hers as ‘questherdilla’

also oh my god when will she Stop doing fingerguns with accompanying tongue clicks

sally talks to herself

she has a little wee tape recorder named Diane because Diane

its covered in stickers

she likes to record what she’s doing to organize herself and calm down

and she’ll replay them to process things

sometimes her friends will leave happy messages on there for her

or helen will sing her a little ditty

helen is the world’s best audio stim

her voice is just really soothing

she’ll sing absently and everyone just operates more smoothly for that minute

she likes singing for herself too

humming and tapping her instrument is a soothing habit

helen is very audio/vocal

she likes to play the same song over and over again

bridget has some issues with self image

she also has obsessive tendencies, sometimes related to organization and labeling things

but also related to literature and only being able to talk about whatever she’s into

sometimes it’s easier to quote things from her favorite books instead of replying in her own words

she doesn’t like things that are uneven or unbalanced

objects OR concepts that are unfair or unequal

(except her hair. her hair is badass and she’s okay with that kind of disunity)

esther’s adhd and her big stims are

high heel clicks on the floor when she walks

fancy & feminine clothes that make her feel secure

the ritual of putting on her makeup

pencils (tapping or twirling)

HER RINGS, she has three and she spins spins spins

she likes to rub the shaved side of bridget’s head

and run her fingers through the hair on the other side

she ALWAYS has her father’s old deck of cards with her, she’s shuffled them so many times they’re completely worn down, and no one is allowed to touch them but her

they’re very soft, she has a new pack as well for crisper sound/feeling and everyday use

sometimes she uses card games as lens to make sense of the world

she has a rough time with communication and a rough time with empathy but she’s trying to work on both of those

both come easier with people she’s close to and bridget is helping her some too

it’s easy for her to hyperfocus in class and doing homework, so it took them a while to diagnose her

out of all of them, esther is the best at reminding people to be organized and do self-care (tho she doesn’t always take care of herself)

she spends a lot of her time in her own head, she really values alone time, and she needs to recharge after she spends time around people

even people she loves

jack’s also adhd, had been diagnosed for a while and has almost all of the opposite symptoms as esther (which is another one of the reasons it took them so long to figure out esther)

jack always works better after he moves, if he runs a little or bounces a ball around or is shaking his legs, rocking on his heels

he makes lots of rolling rrr sounds and blows his lips when he’s frustrated

the pencil chewing ended in splinters and the pen chewing ended in ink all over so now he has a little necklace with a chewable shark

the sharks name is Fredrico

his binder is actually kinda helpful because it’s pressure

he screws and unscrews things a lot

actually taking apart and putting back together all machinery is a Big Thing

june is dyslexic

she has cute tinted glasses to help her with studying

sometimes helen reads stuff out loud for her, she doesn’t mind but june hates to ask

for her birthday quentin bought her a five sided highlighter to color code different things

she has some emotional processing issues

it’s easier to feel angry than anything else

& her methods of dealing with anger aren’t super healthy either

quentin is the only one who actually can manage himself

Quentin is a Hydrated Boy

(he has great skin)

quentin always comes across as super chill but that’s actually because he has hella anxiety and works really hard to manage it

penny is autistic and if june and helen are the dad and mom friends and esther is the gay cousin

then sally and anthony are the autistic aunt and uncle who adopt penny as their niece

they can spot one of their own from a mile off and just decided We Gonna Take Her Under Our Big Fluffy Damn Wings

penny is the Flappiest Autistic

big happy arm flaps, upset little hand flaps, her fast excited flaps are literally the best and most joyous thing

she’s always been kinda embarrassed and insecure about it but jack is so supportive

he’s only a moderate flapper but he often flaps with her when she does it

and he calls her his butterfly

this melts her heart and makes her feel happy and not weird and when this happens she is prone to flapping even harder

she calls him her moth

they’re precious fluttery darlings

sometimes when they both get going, sally joins in too and they all spin around the room fluttering in a big flappy tornado

it’s Good