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jocu-reads · 2 months ago

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DIE Issue #5 Reread (Gillen & Hans)

Issue Six of DIE, "The Grind," features a lot — Sol acts like a catty advisor which is my favorite form of his character, Angela has to reckon with how she's let Die control her life both in and out of the game, we learn a bit more about her past, and we see how Kieron Gillen's work as a games journalist shines through with a discussion of The Crunch.

There's a very potent metaphor here between the characters in this comic are dominated by the systems of the game and those who are pushed to work tirelessly for The AAA Game, which I would call a descendant of the tabletop game in many ways.

We're entering the part of the text where my knowledge drops off some. Back when DIE was releasing, I must have read the first arc three or four times? It was all there was for roughly the first year, and I had many rereads before I ran the RPG beta, which launched sometime after Issue Five. Maybe we'll talk about those sessions I ran sometime soon.

Anyway, that's to say that these sections are very exciting as my memory is more foggy, so there's a lot of juicy stuff in here I didn't even recall. Let's get into it.

The Art

I'm always happy to see more of the dieselpunk robot designs Stephanie Hans has for the Eternal Prussians. Here's the cover of the issue, which is one of my favorites:

We also see that purple & pink used again for flashback panels. I do really enjoy how Hans's watercolor style is amplified here, it seems so dreamy. I'm still struggling a bit to see if we're to read the emotion wheel colors onto these scenes. I'd expect them to be more yellow and green if that were the case, though that may not make for a very pleasant visual look.

Oranges in this issue are so haunting. The glow of the giant machines, the dying embers around Glass Town, and of course that final sunrise over Case. Brilliant stuff.

Descend

Hey I just noticed, is Angela going down the same stairs Ash and Matt did to get to the core last issue? Maybe... Hans uses very dream-like architecture, something that invokes the nondescript mix of GM narration and battlemap abstraction in RPGs, so it's a bit hard to be certain, but it is a spiral staircase going down down down.

I bring this up because... well it's a dungeon isn't it! There's going to be a whole arc about dungeons at the end of this, but I suppose that doesn't mean the characters can't do some delving now.

I'm noticing a theme with downward motion and character monologue. Angela does it here. We get some from Ash both when she enters the Glass Town core but again when she enters the trench in Issue Three. Huh. That physical/mental descent link will become really potent by Arc Four. Let's keep an eye out on that as we keep reading.

Angela Runs Away

A fair amount of this comic deals with the characters refusing (or being unable) to change from who they were as teenagers and how that continues to fuck up their lives both in and out of the game. Angela, as Ash describes her, has always been trying to avoid something by moving onto what's shiny and new. As we know, this how she ends up playing the game in the first place—Ash takes her so she'll stop being upset about the family dog dying.

This is what has pretty quickly happened upon entering Die again too. One of the first things she does when she has spare gold is boot up Case again. I've commented on this habit as being kind of wasteful in the past. I think that comes off harsher than I intend though. I don't think she's dumb to keep feeding him gold, but I do think she's being a bit selfish. In this issue, when the Ash party is hunkered down and barely scraping by, that "bit" becomes "kind of a lot actually."

Ash calls her out on this and she runs away from the confrontation, one she knows will inevitably worsen.

Keen readers may pick up on this, but I think Ash may be a bad sister.

We also learn she did this around her later life too. Working in the AAA game space and leaving projects. Escaping a strained marriage with someone new. Packing up and leaving when her husband found out. Trying to apologize after her new partner felt things got too heavy. I don't think it's too much of a stretch to say her spending time with Case is running away from the matters at hand as well. Angela also realizes this by the end of the issue and this time puts a stop to her actions.

And yet. She's still running away from confrontations here too. Matt offers to take her emotional pain at Case's death away, something he can do as a Grief Knight (we'll talk about that in a sec) and she accepts the offer. Sure is lucky to have someone around that can eat all your sadness. Surely that isn't a poor coping mechanism or anything.

Another big problem Angela has is how often she jumps into terrible consequences without thinking too much. Like, okay, playing a game with your freak older "brother" and getting sucked into a nightmare world is kind of a freebie—I certainly can't blame her for that one. But the robot arm? I think it's clearer how that could backfire on you in the Genie Logic world they were in.

The other notable Campaign One mistake Angela made was dating Chuck, which seems like an obvious bad idea. But hey, she was just a kid right?

Problem is, Angela keeps following a self-destructive instinct as an adult. She gets involved in a workplace romance and her husband finds out. Terrible, but what did she expect to happen? She brings back her dog, knowing full well he will have to die again. It is a really unfortunate chain of behavior, one that is a clear consequence of her inability to sit still in bad situations and look for a good solution rather than a quick escape. Honestly, this probably made Angela and Chuck the second worst couple in the party.

I still feel like I'm being harsher towards Angela than I should, but there's a reason for that. All these problems spill over into her role as a mom too. This is something she is going to have to reckon with later. It's going to be really bad for everyone involved.

But let me cut her a break at least. This issue has given me a stronger appreciation for Angela, which I think happened when I read it back in 2019 too. This woman has been through a lot, maybe more than anyone else but Sol in the party. Despite that, she's still standing Were I in her position, I don't know that I could do much better.

The Neo

This is a weird class, since it is playing on a less defined archetype. Classically, the rogue exists to open up chests and disarm traps... and that's about it. There's certainly the sneak attacking and stealthiness of later editions and systems, but if we're looking at the B/X thief, my understanding is that it exists for one very specific use.

Angela is obviously doing more than just that though. I believe Gillen is drawing a lot on video game RPGs with the Neo, both due to it's connection to cyberpunk RPGs and therefore Deus Ex, but also with the name itself—the Neo is quite literally the new RPG.

The class also has one of the more "game-y" mechanics, a term I think is stupid but sometimes useful (what is a "game" after all? I guess "video game-y" is more apt.) Her abilities are on recharge, she needs power-ups to use them, she makes very concrete choices as to what to use and when. It is not unlike, say, a level up tree in Skyrim (or perhaps System Shock would be the more apt comparison of the games I've played.) It's also very telling that her class seems to convert money to playtime, a la arcade cabinets.

Your character's upgrades in System Shock 2

This puts what the classes are there for into better perspective for me. They are catering both to the traditional D&D classes, but also to types of players and types of games. We've talked about the Dictator and Master as storytelling classes, those who get deep into the roleplay and intrigue. Godbinder is another of those, but perhaps with more of a court and faction game focus. The Fool exists both as the so called "beer & pretzels" game but also fantasy pop literature to an extent, in all its forms (pulps, blockbuster trash, series that seem to never end.) The Emotion Knight fits a bit less cleanly here, but the Neo slots right into the CRPG niche. It helps that several of the characters have careers based around their class.

I think it makes a lot of sense then, that the video game class is built around stealth and the mercenary. I would consider the immersive sim as the closest video game genre to classic TTRPGs, drawing heavily on roleplay, character building, and exploitations of the world to overcome challenges rather than surpassing a scripted event. Of course, the cyberpunk flavor is a nod to Deus Ex, but the stealth comes more from Thief (which gets a direct reference in this issue too!)

I think this is also where the Neo's very wide range of powers comes from too. That's a very common move in ISs (consider System Shock, the Dishonored games, Prey. And... ugh... yes even Bioshock.) What starts as a way to build your character in a unique way often snowballs until you have everything unlocked by the end of a game... and Angela has been playing the Neo a very long time.

I should also mention the way Fair Gold plays into what Gillen sometimes refers to as an addiction for the class. I've never totally got this metaphor and frankly I think it's a little troubling. I'm just not sure what is gained by linking Angela (and the Neo) with addiction, something she does not appear to struggle with. I think it's apt to point out that she has some very poor and self-destructive patterns of behavior, but that's about where the metaphor ends. I don't have much more to say about the Fair Gold mechanic other than that for now, but maybe that'll change later.

That's enough about the class, let's talk about the other cyberpunk in the room.

The Fair (or, DIE drops another incredible concept out of nowhere)

In a shocking turn of events, this is actually the second time Gillen has made Daft Punk's Tron Legacy appearance into god-like beings. Maybe I need to rewatch that film to find the secret key to unlock his work.

As for how they're handled in DIE, the story just drops them here and says "Hey, this is the source of all of Angela's problems, a pair of painfully 'fair' and calculating cold beings that seem to delight in watching her squirm," and leaves you at that. And honestly? I really respect that. Usually Ash would delve into a monologue about all the times they encountered the Fair and how they are sooooo fucked up. Not that I don't eat that up every time, but it's nice to mix it up once in a while.

Part of me wants to crack open the RPG book and see if there's more to read about the Fair, but I don't think I will just yet. Sticking with the text in the books is probably best for now.

Anyway, I really really love these guys. Gillen will compare them to elves in one of his end of issue essays later, specifically their detached and timeless nature. I certainly agree with that.

I see these guys as a computer brain running parts of Die. I also see them as the developers designing that computer. It's a little blurry, like a lot of things in this comic.

They offer players who meet them a choice. It's a binary one, in this case the arm or the dog. They make their own decisions (to help or to forsake - to interfere or to observe) by a binary as well, literally flipping a coin. Comics love to have guys flip coins don't they.

Depending on the result of the flip, they answer "This is among the things that happen" or "This is not among the things that happen." It's a very concrete decision, as though it was always the case but needed to be known, rather than decided. There's something there with quantum observation, but I think this plays on how dice rolls and probability in general work.

When a character reaches a challenge, they either overcome it or they don't. Games have many resolution mechanics for this, but most RPGs use some amount of randomization. So will they succeed? Or will they not? The Fair side step the dice type, the difficulty class, the bonus, etc, and just give a coin: One or Zero. Why make the decision if it is already among (or not among) "the things that happen" though? Again, here we're playing with storytelling in RPGs. In the moment it seems unclear, but this stops being the case as soon as the face of a die is chosen. In fact, maybe it was determined the moment the die was cast, by which I mean cast in acrylic. If we follow what seems to be the Fair's philosophy (or Angela's understanding of it) the choices don't matter at all. The path is already determined.

I think that ties very well into the CRPG logic. There are only so many inputs and outputs a program can have. Notice how the Fair offered Angela only two options to give up. Her agency in how to garner a boon is given up from the start. Consider how this would differ from a TTRPG with a human GM, able to react to more player input. Consider how it may not differ.

For what it's worth though, Angela still follows through with the choice. Even without the Fair, she understands she has to let Case go. He dies. They get out. That is among the things that happen.

Other Thoughts

The Clockwork Prussians not knowing what to do with Glass Town (or seeming not to. Like much of this comic there's more going on) is really great. Another good nod to the GM scrambling to react after their players go way off script. "Occupying, I guess," is so great.

I talked a little about Campaign One here as well. I was on a long car ride with some friends, discussing what happens in arcs 2 and 3 of DIE the other week and while talking about how interesting (and maybe self defeating) a prequel series could be, I realized I don't actually know that much about how the party's first 2 years went. I suspect there are hints we could dig at around that though.

A big one is how Matt factors into it all. We learn here about the Grief Knight's emotion sucking abilities. Is this something he may have exercised often as a teenager? Perhaps to keep people sane and moving forward? That would be a pretty damning read, but let's tuck it away for now. I think we'll have A Lot to say about Campaign One by the end of this arc.

We close on the introduction of a favorite character of mine. We'll talk more about Augustus later.

#die comic #die reread

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bawwsadface · 22 days ago

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Liberals Don't Learn

we live in categorically Tough Times. the climate disaster is already happening, the least educated, most mentally deteriorating elderly cronies in the world are holding the lock and key to the nuclear codes, homelessness rates are skyrocketing, and the big mac costs 10 dollars.

it probably seems like an easy time to give up. probably seems like the perfect storm for apathy. and it has proven to be for many. but in the wake of trump's re-election, i've noticed an effervescent attitude bubbling among my peers. folks far left of the political establishment. folks who have taken enough drives around the same traffic circle to see the same plays coming and getting run back over and over enough times to stop caring. there's been a sense of "well, better keep on trucking i guess." because it's become evidently clear that the forces in power will never work in our favor.

because we are all educated enough to know better by now. it's still frustrating to see, sure. upsetting to watch the country's full blown descent into fascism that's been happening since 9/11 crystalize before our eyes. we know that they know that we know and they just don't care. but we can't pretend anymore that it's a surprise.

because we know better, we know to not let it be such a heavy weight on our shoulders. we will fight back. we will organize. we will do everything we can within our abilities to strengthen our communities. to grow what is small, what is local, what is huddled together into a stronger coalition. one that may not entirely beat the man, but can stand toe to toe with him when push comes to shove. and that's what matters. so we truck on through. we are all over this. we are all better than this. we need to focus on what makes us human and learn to nurture it.

and i get it, it's tempting to dig into the weeds. to want to play political strategist and history teacher and point fingers. act like any of the third party votes, when fully added up would've swung any of the states she lost (they wouldn't have). or to call people who have checked out of the process altogether privileged cowards. suggest that kamala's nonstarter nature was because she was a black woman. or to handwring about putting aside the politics of a cop who openly supported her administration's genocide because it would be an election that supposedly "saved democracy." oh you mean like the last one? the one before that? and the ones before those as well?

don't look for blame among your peers. those are the very same people you should be trying to rally with. besides, it's pretty easy to see when you take one or two steps back, that it is and has always been the dems and liberals fault that they can't govern. that simpsons joke has remained evergreen since 1994.

learning that the dems predicted a far less gracious turnout for their candidate then ran her anyway? it's no surprise. seeing that they stonewalled any objection to keeping someone with declining mental faculties in the white house just so they wouldn't open up a primary in his wake? you know one where, god forbid, one of their own who actually had a platform could run a successful campaign? yeah that tracks.

listen man, i've been voting for just long enough (since 2012) that i can recognize that even in the two administrations where the liberal establishment seemed like it was "winning", all these problems were still there making them fumble. clinton was a centrist with a house that hated him. obama refused to push any progressive moves thru congress even when he had the doors wide open to do so. and they still expected us to come crawling back and check that same ballot box every four years and then shut up and stop listening in the interim.

i think we're all within our rights to be fed up with it all. and to be so used to the same blows coming that a fascist getting re-elected is just puffing past us like smoke. why would it surprise anyone at this point?

your time is better spent advocating for your community. go volunteer at planned parenthood. go support local meal programs for your neighborhood. share resources openly. get a library card. find a friend who's a teacher or a student and share access to their educational materials. give your time and your energy and your money when you are able to the people that matter. the people that make up your every day that you actually live. and remember to rest and keep yourself nourished along the way.

even after everything, i can still believe in that.

#thombolog

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moving-boytoygirl · 3 years ago

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cw this post is about people acting like freaks about the heard/depp defamation case and involves ableism, misogyny, biphobia. feel free 2 rb if you so desire but please also feel more than free to scroll past if you're as sick of hearing about it as i am

i have no personal opinion on the depp/heard situation because refuse to look into it enough to actually learn the facts of the case. but the way people are talking about heard in particular in a very gendered "she's a mentally ill bitch of course she's making it all up" way is really truly disgusting. like if she is lying and depp really was abused by her and not the other way around then ok, again i literally do not know, but once you start throwing mentally ill people under the bus and calling women crazy lying cunts and being like "as if that would ever happen 🤣" when they talk about the details of their alleged abuse i think you're just an ableist misogynist and you need to get pushed off a cliff like asap.

like im not surprised by any of it but i am so enraged and saddened by all the people being like "she was diagnosed with BPD and people with BPD are ABUSIVE CONTROL FREAKS" and "she's histrionic which for those who don't know is basically SEVERE NARCISSISM they are psychotic manipulators let this be a lesson to stay AWAY from these people they're EVIL" "she's definitely a sociopath narcissist that's why she abused him i was in a relationship with a narcissist and-" like god shut the fuck uppppp. i hate every single one of you ableist fucking losers all these disorders people are attributing to her (regardless of if she has them or not, i do not know) are already so uniquely stigmatized and im genuinely worried this whole shitshow will exacerbate the problem and make things even worse.

also the way people are talking about her fucking facial expressions like "no real abuse victim would ever act like that" "if she was really abused she wouldn't have to fake cry" as if people haven't been using that against abuse victims for fucking???? forever????? because people have these preconceived notions of how we should feel and behave and speak and whether or not we're taken seriously is so often hinged on how well we live up to these notions. which, yes, sometimes does actually mean FAKING CERTAIN EMOTIONS. i have literally done this myself. it's not something only liars and abusers do. if the evidence shows that she abused him then thats literally all anyone should need. rely on the actual facts of the case, whatever they may be. do not be dragging survivors everywhere through the mud because you're a fucking freak who wants to police our expressions and feelings and tone thanks die

(see also: "if she was abused by him why would she still proposition him for sex/want to cuddle with him/etc?" it actually happens all the time. shut the fuck up)

ok and i don't think there's any reason to go very far into the sexist rhetoric on both sides because anyone with even a single tiny sliver of a brain would be able to see how horrible it is so moving on from that. the fact that ive seen people be like "poor johnny.... she's bisexual so she probably cheated on him too 🤣" ummmm once again. die. like fr. i hate you

again i cannot state clearly enough this is not a reflection of my opinion on who is guilty or whatever. i do not know because i haven't looked closely into the case. but despite my best efforts i still have been exposed to it and i think its inexcusable that people are treating it like a fandom war and whipping out like every possible form of bigotry to justify which "team" they're on. and im really genuinely worried for the damage this is going to do to the public's perception of abuse/mental illness/etc which is especially worrying because we were already so fucked up in all of those arenas and we really do not need things to get worse.

#♚#people's behavior with this fucking case truly genuinely repulses me #''ooh are you anti johnny or pro johnny im anti heard obviously''#''are you team johnny or team heard put your tips in the jar of the person you support tee hee''#''amber heard and her lawyer ANNIHILATED 30 MINUTE VIDEO''#''AMBER HEARD FAKE CRYING CRINGE COMP LOL JUSTICEFORJOHNNYDEPP''#youre all freaks #edit actually im adding a couple tags because in right #johnny depp amber heard #depp vs heard #ask to tag

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calif0rnia-lovers · 4 years ago

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safe haven.

A/N: Don’t mind me, just giving J a normal high school romance--one where his family is not involved. Set in S1 of Animal Kingdom. First time writing for this guy, so let me know what you think

Pairing: Josh Cody x Black!OC

Rating: 💙 A soft piece with the youngest Cody, and the girl he tries to keep secret from his new found family.

Request: Convincing J to study bc he's too caught up in the family business to worry about midterms

Words: 3.3k

Josh tightens his grip, crushing the letter in his hand. Left inside the unaddressed envelope, the letter remains unread. There is no point in reading it. J got the gist of the letter from the conversation with the counselor. He discards the crumpled mess in a nearby trash can.

The end of the school week produces a flood of excited teenagers emptying into the parking lot.

J's mind is on the previously discarded letter.

It was a letter of truancy, addressed to his grandmother, his current guardian. It has been months since the passing of J's mother. The school's patience has spread thin. His grades have not dropped, but his attendance has.

His mind is on the letter when he fishes his keys out of his front pocket. His pace slows before he comes to a complete stop a few feet short of his truck. The truck is where he left it, but there's a new addition.

It now has a powder blue backpack on the hood. Seated beside the backpack is the prettiest girl in school.

Cori Edwards has a familiar pair of black shades concealing her dark brown eyes -- now J remembers where he left them. She has abandoned the denim jacket he caught a glimpse of her in earlier. A knowing smile spreads across her face as she watches his eyes linger on the sundress she wears. As his eyes return to hers, J can't deny the smile on his lips.

The last time he saw Cori, for longer than the brief seconds they pass in the halls, was a month ago. This year, it appeared fate wanted to test the two. They had the same classes, the same teachers, but never at the same time. A few months ago, this meant they spent all of their free time stealing kisses at lunch and in the halls. They would then make up for lost time as soon as the school bell rang.

But things have changed too much.

J's mother didn't keep track of his movements. His grandmother and uncles, J came to learn, analyze his actions. Keeping secrets has become second nature to him since moving into the Cody House. The one secret he swore he'd never reveal was Cori. He hasn't introduced her to Smurf or his uncles. He hasn't shared much about how his life has changed, upon his moving into their house, with Cori.

After so many vague responses, Cori understood it was better not to ask questions. She didn't want to spend her limited time arguing with J. Only, in the last month their limited face time has dwindled. Fizzed out to nothing.

A few texts here. A few long spread out phone calls there.

It was after one of those texts that their last reunion had taken place.

J might have been slightly drunk -- sober enough to drive, and park his truck a block from Cori's parent’s house. He had climbed through her bedroom window. The act itself was not graceful. His tumble through the window at three am woke her dad. Her dad came in to find Cori “still sleeping,” the toppled over AP Calculus and Physics books on the floor enough incentive for him to return to bed.

Once the coast was clear, J managed to strip before climbing into bed alongside her. All she received was a quick kiss before his arm was around her. He was out before his head hit the pillow. He left Cori with no time to inquire about his reasoning behind showing up drunk. Or about the black eye and busted lip. He had to sneak out in the morning before her parents got up.

Rumor has it J’s been showing up to school, even if Cori's rarely seen him there. He shows up for three days, almost like clockwork. Technically, it is enough to stop the school from legally reporting him for truancy. Until the counselor concluded it was time J stopped playing that game--which brings us to J's current situation.

He's standing in the parking lot, keys in hand, staring at his girlfriend -- at least he thinks she's still his girlfriend. Is it weird if he leads with that question?

As he stands before her, the only thought in his mind is how much he's missed her smile.

Jingling the keys in his hand, J regards the innocent smile on Cori's lips before shaking his head.

“You got a tracker on me, I don’t know about, Edwards?”

“Nope. It’s just a Cody sighting is kind of a big deal in these halls,” Cori sighs lightly as her eyes pass over the crowded parking lot. “Word gets around pretty fast when you actually show up.”

Cori’s words don't receive a verbal response. Her eyes are covered, but J knows what look lies inside them. The look causes his eyes to avoid hers. His hand rubs against the back of his neck, a soft chuckle leaving his lips.

"Haven’t seen you around lately, Josh." She continues, the warmth of her fingers against his chin lifting J's gaze. Cori raises her sunglasses, her eyes passing over his face. "Nice to know your black eyes is gone."

"Yeah--sorry about that night." The smile on his lips is sheepish as he watches her study his face. He mentally kicks himself for the following line--he knows it's getting old. He says it anyway. "I had some family stuff-"

"That left you drunk with a black eye and busted lip?"

J takes in her raised brow, his shoulders sink.

What can he say?

I got my ass kicked after I was caught in the act of stealing some guy's car. Granted, my uncle saved my ass, but not before I got a black eye and busted lip?

No. He can't say that.

If he does, then he would have to explain why he was stealing a car in the first place. And that is a rabbit hole J isn't willing to jump down--not with her.

The passing of her fingers through his hair causes J to speak up.

"Sorry. I know you're tired of bullshit excuses." He shakes his head.

"I'm used to it," Cori sighs, her hands falling to her lap.

Before he can stop himself, J's hands are on her thighs pulling her closer. His lips are on hers.

"I'm sorry. You look nice," he smiles as his lips press a second kiss against hers.

"Hmm?"

"I’m serious," he chuckles as his hand finds her waist.

"Trust me, I know it’s true," she laughs. "I’m just trying to figure out why it’s taken you so long to say it."

"I’ve been busy," he begins. "With-"

"Family stuff," Cori nods, her hand waving to dismiss the subject. "I know, but that's not what I tracked you down for. I have so graciously blessed you with my presence because you owe me two things."

"What are they?" J's brow arches, a soft smile on his lips.

Cori drops her hand for his cheek. J's eyes remain on her as she leans back, weight resting against her palms.

"I need a ride home," she lightly pats the hood of the car. "And I need a study buddy."

J lets off a light scoff at the latter.

If there is one undisputed fact, it is Cori's academic ranking. She is top of their class. Between the two, J needs a study buddy to catch up to her perfect GPA.

"Okay. When?"

"Tonight, genius," her eyes roll as she pushes against his shoulder. "Josh, please don’t tell me you forgot we have midterms Monday."

J's eyes briefly drift shut.

"Shit--I have a family thing tonight."

"When?” Cori smiles as his eyes pass over the parking lot. The corners of J's lips turn up into a smile before his gaze returns to hers. “I’m just saying...it’s technically not nighttime yet…and being as you haven't seen me in ten thousand years...the least you can do is study with me...”

"What’s it gonna take for me to get out of this?"

Cori pauses to think.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

Shaking her head, Cori smiles as her hands find his shoulders. "There is absolutely nothing that you can give me for me to drop this."

"Damn."

"Unless,” Cori bites back her smile as her playful eyes meet his. “You want to tell me how much you missed me.”

“If that’s it,” J sighs, his lips stopping short of hers, “You might want to go ahead and find another ride home--”

“Shut up,” she giggles as his hands find her waist.

Helping her down, J steals a kiss before following Cori to the passenger side of his truck.

"I'm just giving you a ride home."

"Uh-huh." Turning to face him, she smiles as his lips press against hers.

She allows him a second kiss as J's arm wraps around her waist.

“To sweeten the deal,” she beams. “I’ll even let you take me out.”

"What is it?"

Cori's eyes remain on the surfers visible from the parking lot. She watches the girl who manages to ride the swell longer than the rest of the group. When she glances across the truck, she discovers J watching her.

"What do you mean?"

A low chuckle escapes J as he watches Cori busy herself with the task of finishing her milkshake.

"What's on your mind?"

Despite her asking him to stop and grab something to eat, Cori hasn't said much to J. Even if she had, he knew her well enough to grasp Cori was waiting to ask him something. Her brown eyes raise to meet his gaze before she lets out a breath.

"It's kinda stupid."

"Coming from you?" His brow arches as his fingers interlace with hers. "I doubt it."

Cori's gaze remains on their interlaced fingers as she speaks.

"It's just, the winter formal is coming up. I figured we could go together."

She glimpses up once her suggestion is met with silence. J's brow is a furrowed, a hesitant smile on his lips.

His thoughts are racing--he's praying this is the initial time she's breached the subject. That he hadn't missed any hints in his haze the past weeks.

"Seriously? You never want to go to those things."

Cori's eyes roll. J's right. In the last two years, neither of them have attended the school’s dances.

She bites her lip before opting to take another sip of her strawberry shake.

"You really wanna go?" A light shrug is what J gets in response. "If you want to go, I'll go."

"It's just--we're going to be done with school soon. We have to go to at least one--"

"And prom?"

"That's not up for debate. Your ass is taking me to prom, Joshua Cody." Cori laughs as J's lips press against her fingers.

J's smile fades as a ringtone interrupts the conversation. He releases Cori's hand before retrieving his cellphone from the truck's console.

She silently observes as he reads the name on the screen.

Baz.

She remembers the name--he is one of J's uncles--but that's where her knowledge ends. The furrow of J's brow sets in as he declines the call.

“So...this family thing," she notes, as his eyes meet hers. Before she can get the rest of her thought out, a text comes through recapturing J's attention. "It must be pretty important.”

J's shrug seems outlandish when held alongside the urgency of his uncle. In the time it took to eat, J's phone has got several notifications. Each time, he pauses long enough to silence the call and proceeds as if it never came.

“It’s just a thing with my uncles.” His mood is light as he sets the phone back down. His easiness returns as he meets her eyes. "Smurf's pretty serious about everyone being home for it."

He can notice the slight hesitance in her eyes before she offers him a smile in return.

Leaning across the car, J presses a kiss against her cheek. His lips drift to her neck.

"I'll get the tickets Monday," he mumbles as his lips retrace their steps. "Promise."

J's truck is parked engine idling. His left-hand rests against the steering wheel, his eyes on her.

Cori has removed her seatbelt. Her body is turned in the seat so that she faces J. She toys with the hem of her dress instead of moving to get out.

"It was good to see you, J."

"Yeah," J agrees. Her eyes lift to meet his, the soft smile on his lips stretching into a grin. "You too."

J opens his mouth to continue the thought, but Cori has already turned away from him. He watches as she retrieves her backpack from the back seat.

"Cori," J clears his throat. The action hinders Cori's opening of the door. Her hand hovers over the handle. "Maybe we can hang-"

"Nope.”

J blinks. His brow furrows as a silence falls over the car.

"If you want to see me again," Cori teases, her hand falling from the handle. "It will be in school."

"Why do I have a feeling you're not gonna let this go?" J's eyes roll softly as Cori leans across the car. "You’re serious?"

"Because I'm not letting this go," she smiles sweetly, ignoring the chuckle the action pulls from J. "And, I'm 'lock my window' serious, Josh. Show up if you want, and I’ll leave you outside."

The smile on Cori's lips grows as J's gaze falls from hers. His tongue passes over his lips as she leans closer.

His eyes drift shut as her giggle fills the car before Cori presses a kiss against his cheek. She leaves a second kiss before moving away. Hopping out of the truck, Cori slips her backpack onto her shoulders.

"Think about what’s important to you, Cody," she beams before shutting the door.

J picks up his phone. The screen lights up as a new text message appears.

6 missed calls. Baz

7 missed texts. Baz

1 missed text. Craig

He opens the most recent notification from Craig.

Dude. Call Baz back so he'll stop losin his shit. You know we got that thing tonight

Cori is in the process of unlocking the door when she hears the sound of his car door slamming. Looking over her shoulder, she smiles as J crosses the driveway backpack over his shoulder.

"Two hours,” he concedes. J is powerless to the tug of her hand as Cori pulls him inside. “Then I have to go. Baz is blowing up my phone.”

"Then we better get started."

J's fingers comb through his hair, the brown eyes trained on him forcing him back to reality.

Judging by the look on Cori's face, this is not the first time she has spoken. Heat rushes to his face as J's gaze reverts to the stack of notecards in his hands.

"Uh--yeah," he clears his throat as he shifts in the computer chair. "That's right."

He steals a second glance at her, the smile on Cori's lips not helping with his current situation.

"Of course it is," she winks. Her gaze returns to the review sheet. She stops to make a note alongside the term The Baroque.

The two are currently in the midst of an AP European History review.

J isn't much help, but Cori doesn't need it. Each of her responses is correct. That's good for J. He's spent the last thirty minutes distracted.

It's a good thing Cori claimed the bed, laying on her stomach as she pulled out her notebook. J took the computer chair opposite of her. If Cori had let him join her on the bed, no studying would have taken place.

It doesn't matter that a month has passed. J hasn't been able to keep his eyes off Cori Edwards since her arrival freshman year.

A smile creeps across his face as J's eyes meet Cori's for a second time.

"You need a break, Cody?" The grin on her lips widens as Cori rests her chin in her hand. "You seem distracted."

"Just thinking about how you don't need these." J lifts the cards in his hands before discarding them on the nearby desk. "You never have."

"Hmm..." Cori's eyes return to the review sheet. She pauses to add more to the notes written neatly in the margins. "True, but you do."

Pushing herself up, she passes over the review sheet. Written neatly in the top right-hand corner is J's name.

"I made this for you Tuesday night."

J studies the sheet for a moment, his fingers massaging his temple as he takes in Cori's study guide.

Shit--she's right. He does need it. He missed the review session on Tuesday. The thing about AP Euro is that it's not as straight forward as Trig. J can ace his Trig midterm in his sleep. AP Euro is a whole separate story.

"Thanks, Cori," he sighs. The grateful look in his eyes as he watches her cross the room earns him a warm smile. "You didn't have to-"

"Oh, trust me, I know." Taking his hand in her, Cori lowers herself down onto his lap. "But, I know you have a lot going on. Besides, making the sheet helped me review for the test."

"I love you. You know that?"

"As you should." Taking his face in her hands, Cori smiles as J meets her gaze. She closes the remaining distance between their lips. "I love you too."

As her lips drift to his neck, fingers slipping beneath the hem of his t-shirt, J pushes her dress up her thighs.

"I thought we were studying," he chuckles, his lips returning to hers.

"We're taking a break," she giggles. "You’re useless when you’re distracted."

When he wakes, J knows he’s overstayed. He was meant to leave by four. It’s four thirty.

The cellphone, humming on the surface of Cori’s desk, sounds through the bedroom. J doesn’t lift his head from the pillow. Instead, he watches her face scrunch in irritation as the sound gradually pulls Cori out of her sleep.

“You gotta go?” She breathes, her eyes remaining shut as she tries to fall back to sleep.

“I should,” he chuckles. His finger traces the curve of Cori's shoulder. “Your parents will probably be home soon.”

“You’re right.” A soft giggle follows as J's arm wraps around her waist, pulling her body across the bed. “You should probably go.”

Despite his words, J makes no move to leave the bed. He sinks his face into her neck. His weight presses her into the mattress as her arms wind around his neck. He stays there for almost ten minutes. His eyes closed, listening to the delicate pattern of her pulse. Neither says a word. Cori knows the time has come to let him go when J presses a soft kiss against her skin before forcing himself up.

“I have some family shit I gotta handle,” J huffs as his palms rub against his eyes. “So, um, I probably won’t be on my phone for most of the weekend.”

“Okay.”

J proceeds to redress, his body in no rush to leave, as his phone starts again.

He needs to go. Now.

J has prolonged his return to reality, and the Cody House, long enough. If he doesn’t call back shortly, Smurf might have a heart attack.

J tugs his t-shirt over his head. His eyes focus on the bedroom window. He’s shocked Smurf's car is not parked out front. It wouldn’t be the first time his grandmother has tracked him.

“I just meant--I might not be able to pick up if you call,” he crosses the room to meet Cori. The faint smile on his lips brings one to her. “You can text me.”

“Maybe,” Cori sighs as J's lips caress her cheek. “If I have time. I’ll have to check my schedule.”

She catches sight of his sparkling eyes before J’s lips are on hers. The kiss itself is soft, another step in his lingering goodbye. His lips linger against hers before pressing against hers a final time.

“Hey,” J pulls back, his fingers interlacing with hers. He gently squeezes her hand as she meets his gaze. “Thanks for today. I missed you.”

“You too.”

“I’ll text you later,” J smiles before retrieving his phone and backpack.

Main Tags: @wiccanmetallicrose @themarkblues @mariaxliliana @gemini0410 @binooo98 @the-jer-bear @abbiesthings @trhett21 @trulysuccubus @leahnicole1219 @keithseabrook27 @starrynite7114 @awkwardtayler @toni9 @vannabanana1995 @queenbeered @kaystacks17 @thesandbeneathmytoes @star017 @richonne4life @cocotheclown @oscars-wifeyyy @rosieposie0624 @jennisdirtyimagines @ughdontbeboring @partypoison00 @myakai13 @appropriate-writers-name @demonquartz @ourlittlesecretsoveragain @everyhowlmarksthedead @linziland13 @mrsmarvelous1995 @sadeyesgf

#all of his relationships irritated me #let me know what you think?#j cody #j cody imagine #finn cole imagine #animal kingdom imagine #josh cody imagine #ryan destiny faceclaim #ryan destiny #black!oc

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honeyymistt · 3 years ago

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I know this may be a lot, but I need an outside perspective. I have a friend who I was really close with, I trusted him more than anyone else, and we talked about everything. He knew more about me than anyone. We were best friends for a year and eventually we started an open fwb relationship. Things were great for a while, but then he got upset with me for hanging out with other guys, even though that was within the bounds we had laid out and discussed pretty extensively because we had a really good setup for open communication. He brought it up once near the end of last semester but told me not to stop seeing other people because he didn't want to say he wanted to be exclusive and then change his mind on me and have caused me to cut other guys off. I listened to him but cooled it on talking to other guys because I didn't want to hurt him. We went home for the summer (but he lives in the town where our university is so really he stayed there) and we talked every day like we have since we became friends and we facetimed every night just like we had over winter break (before the fwb situation). I wasn't really talking to other guys until I went on a date with a guy I met on tinder and felt too scared to say no to when he asked me to hang out with him so I got coffee with the guy. Apparently, me talking to other guys bothered him more than he had told me, and instead of talking to me about it, he went and started exclusively dating a girl he had known for a week. He waited a week and a half after they decided this to tell me and, when he did, he admitted that part of him did it to hurt me. I don't want to lose him because I've never trusted someone as much as I used to trust him, but it hurts to know that any part of him was willing to hurt me to any degree especially for someone he barely knows and admits that he's not even sure he really wants to date. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him the same way again. We go to a small university so I won't be able to avoid him, but still being friends is proving difficult. I have a process for forgiveness, and I'm usually pretty good at moving on, but I've never had to do those things with the expectation that I will still be close with the person after. I don't forgive him yet, but I am trying to work on it because I know we can't be friends still if I don't. I've seen him once since he told me because he only told me two days before he was scheduled to fly out to visit me and at that point, I couldn't ask him to cancel his flights. In the two days before he arrived I was so anxious I barely ate and I was so angry I thought about just trying to make him miserable the whole time he was visiting. We ended up talking about it because he kept pushing me because he knew I was upset and he didn't want to be miserable the whole time he was visiting. Things were a bit better after that. It was really weird to be around him and we don't know how to interact because both of us are normally super affectionate with our friends, but we're afraid of crossing lines since we used to be fwb and other people (namely the girl he's dating) might read into it. We just don't know where the lines are/should be in a situation like this. We've had a few conversations about everything so I know that he really regrets what he did and that this situation is painful and difficult and confusing for him too, but that is only making it harder for me to figure this all out. It hurts to be around him because I miss how comfortable and safe it used to feel and how much I trusted him. We talk less now since he's back home and I have the paranoia of 'maybe he actually hates me' that I used to never have with him but have always had with other friends. I just don't know if it's worth the emotional labor it requires if I'm just working towards a worse relationship than we had before. I don't want to talk to my other friends about the details of this because, like I said, it's a small school so stuff gets around. I also don't want them to treat him differently because I know that would hurt him. Any advice on

how to navigate all this? Am I doing the right thing in staying friends with him?

oh gosh, i just want to give you a big hug :( this sounds really challenging mentally and i'm so sorry that you don't feel comfortable with talking about this with your uni friends. you can always come to me <3

to actually give my perspective on this, i've never been in a fwb situation so i'm not sure how helpful my advice will be but i'll try my best! i'm not gonna lie, there are a lot of things in here that popped out to me as major red flags: him not wanting you to talk to other guys even though that was allowed, you feeling like you needed to cut off other guys, him not being able to communicate his hurt/anger/betrayal (?), etc., him dating a girl (partially to hurt you) and then not telling you. all of these are things that display his immaturity in your fwb situation. he messed up pretty bad and there's no denying that. you are totally valid in your feelings of confusion about whether or not you want to continue your friendship with him because he hurt you and he was unfair to you.

to offer another perspective on this whole situation, i think that not a lot of people will admit to their mistakes. not a lot of people will admit that part of them did something to hurt you. and yes, he did do some very bad things, but like you said, he feels sorry for what he did and i think that he's going to learn and mature from his faults.

i'm all for second chances in relationships (platonic, romantic, platonic & romantic, etc.) but the final say is ultimately up to you because i think that deep down, you already know whether or not you want him in your life. currently, i think that there are two ways that you could navigate this. there are definitely more choices but these are the two that i think are best.

1. you have 1 conversation with him where you lay everything out on the table. you both give each other a chance to say your side of the story, your true feelings, your mistakes (there may be some things that you did that were hurtful to him that you hadn't noticed or that he didn't communicate) and you both put your thoughts together on how to move forward. what do you both need from each other to get to how you were before? i know that you mentioned that you've had a few conversations with him before but do you feel like you held back a bit? are there things that were left unsaid? if there are, then it's likely that he feels the same way. i would suggest talking out this whole thing with him one last time if this is the case.

2. if continuing your friendship with him is causing you stress to the point of not sleeping or eating, i would say to distance yourself. if you need a temporary break from each other to reflect on what you did and/or recover from what was done to you, then do it. there's no rush in being friends again. there's this quote that i saw awhile and it said: "A break from someone will either make you realize how much you truly miss/love them or how much peace you have without them."

people make mistakes all the time and sometimes you ask yourself what you or the other person was thinking before doing it and the truth is, they probably weren't and they definitely weren't thinking about the potential consequences; but there's this tweet that i saw and it said "y'all be beating yourself up about the mistakes you've made in the past as if you been here twice or something. this is your first time living this life. give yourself some grace as you've learned to navigate through it. you don't know what you don't know til you know better." (IamKiraJ via twitter) i think the same thing goes towards other people's mistakes. they don't know what they don't know until they know better. you can call me too forgiving, but i think he knows better now. he has been good friend to you for a long time and i'm sure he's done a lot of good in your life. it's just up to you to decide whether or not the bad that he did was a deal breaker.

#chat with honeyymistt #there was also something that popped out to me #you said that you wonder if he actually hates you and i dont think he does!!! i think that part of him hates himself for how he treated you #if you decide to forgive him and continue this friendship make sure its because you want to and not because he wants you to #he should consider himself very lucky if he earns your forgiveness #but deep down i think you know what you want to do!!! i hope that my message offered a different perspective on this whole situation #and gave you some clarity on what your next step should be #sending you love and strength and happiness <3

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motleyfuckingcruee · 5 years ago

Text

Rocket Queen

0.5: Ms. Doctor

Henley's P.O.V

I'm completely out of breath by the time we arrive at Duff's apartment. We ran all the way from Sasha's to this dingy looking apartment complex. He said it wasn't that far from the bar, but I soon learned that was bullshit. It felt like we ran for a hundred miles.

"You said it wasn't that far," I breathe out.

He leans back against the door of his apartment. He shrugs. "I guess it didn't feel as long since I wasn't being chased when I walked down there."

Duff turns around to unlock the apartment door. My eyes widen as I see blood running down the side of his face.

"Duff!" I yell.

He jumps, dropping the keys. "What?" He asks, looking around frantically.

"You're bleeding!"

Duff laughs. "You really scared the shit out of me for that?" He bends down, grabbing the keys from the ground.

"You're bleeding a lot! Don't act like it's a little scratch you got by bumping your head," I say, walking over to him.

I try to look at the wound, but when I reached him he had already opened the door and was walking into the apartment. I follow him inside, taking in my surroundings. The living room was pretty bare. A nearly falling apart sofa sits on the wall. Beside it is a small record player sitting on a table. Laying by the table are stacks and stacks of records. I smile when I spot Shout At The Devil on the top of one stack. A bass sits in the corner of the room. Duff walks into the kitchen, leaving me in the living room all alone. I follow him into the kitchen, watching as he takes a beer from the fridge and nearly downs it with gulp.

"Duff, please let me look at your head," I nearly beg.

He looks surprised at my concern. Why wouldn't I be concerned? He could've gotten his ass beaten for me. I feel horrible that he got hurt because I couldn't shut my mouth.

He sighs. "Alright." He walks past me, leading me somewhere.

He walks into a small room. He turns on the light, making me realize that it's a bathroom. I walk into it with him, looking around for something to stand on. There's no way I'll be able to look at his wound very well with him being so tall. I sigh, deciding on jumping on the counter. I settle onto the counter. I grab Duff's arm, making him stand in between my legs.

I ignore how close our faces are. I can feel Duff's breath fan on my cheek. My heart speeds up as he rests a hand on my hip. I can safely say I've never felt this way with a guy before. I shake my head, moving Duff's hair out of the way. I can't be thinking that way about a guy I just met.

I wince just looking at the cut. "How the hell did this happen? I don't remember Hyde hitting you."

"Somehow he got a hold of a beer bottle and smashed it over my head. It was right before you pulled me off of him," He explains.

I nod. "That makes sense."

We're quiet for a moment as I grab a wash cloth and wet it. I start to dab the cut, making him flinch in pain.

"I'm sorry," I say.

"It's alright. It's just a bit of pain."

"That's not what I meant," I sigh. "I'm sorry you had to get into the fight in the first place. If I had just shut my mouth you wouldn't have bruised knuckles and a cut on your head."

"It's not your fault. He was the one being a dick," Duff says, looking into my eyes for a moment.

"But what he said is true. I guess I needed that dose of reality."

"What he said is bullshit. You are not a whore, okay?"

I scoff. "How would you know? We just met."

He shrugs, wincing again as I accidentally pushed down too hard. "I just know. I'm a very good judge of character."

"Says who?"

"Says me," Duff says rather proudly. "I've never been wrong about someone."

I giggle. "Is that right? Give me an example."

"Alright, I'll start with Steven. When I first met him I had the impression that he was a really sweet guy, he just doesn't really know how to interact with women, other than fucking them. He means well, he just doesn't know how to act. That was proven tonight with him and Madeline." Duff pauses, a grin creeping onto his lips. "He likes her, y'know?"

I smile. "I'm glad he's not just using her for sex. She may act like that's all she wants, but really she just wants a guy to love her."

"Can I tell you my impression of you and you tell me if I'm right?" He asks. I nod, eager to hear this. I finish up with cleaning his wound. I grab a band aid that's conveniently sitting on the counter and put it over the cut. "You're a real bad ass. You don't take shit from no one. But, you can be a huge softy. You love your friends deeply and are always looking out for them, even when they treat you wrong. You always want to be somewhere else other than here."

I'm speechless. He hit the nail on the head. How the hell did he know all of that? Has he been stalking me or some shit?

"H-How'd you-?"

Duff smirks. "I told you. I'm a great judge of character."

"That's a scarily accurate guess."

Duff shrugs, looking down at my lap where my hands lay. "Not really. I pretty much described myself."

I laugh, "I guess we're more alike than I thought."

"I guess so," He grins.

We just stare into each other's eyes for a bit. His eyes are this pretty hazel color. Brown with a gorgeous hint of green in them.

Duff starts to lean in, glancing down at my lips. I start leaning in as well. Just as our lips brush together, I pull back.

No. This isn't some stupid Hollywood movie where the guy stands up for the girl and they fall in love even though they only met a few hours before. That isn't real life. Real life fucking burns you. You end up falling in love with someone and pine after them for years, only to find out they only love you as a best friend. Then that person goes off and gets happily married, leaving you to be by yourself to wallow in loneliness and self pity.

I put my hand on Duff's chest, lightly pushing him away from me. He looks into my eyes, shocked. It's as if he really wanted us to kiss. I mentally scoff. He probably just wants to get into my pants like all boys do.

I shake my head, jumping off the counter. "Well, you're all cleaned up. You hungry?"

"Uh-Uh," He stutters not sure what to say. "I-uh-don't think I have any food. Unless you can make food out of booze."

I laugh, trying to ignore the tension that's now between me and the tall blonde. "Not unless you have cooking wine or something like that. I don't know what it's called exactly." I bite my lip, walking out of the bathroom. Did I just fuck everything up between us? I feel like we could be really good friends. "Do you have any takeout menus? Maybe we could order some Chinese."

Duff grins. "That sounds awesome actually. I was craving some Chinese anyways."

"I'm always craving Chinese food," I giggle.

Duff walks past me, a smile still on his face. He picks up the phone, dialing the Chinese place's number. He obviously has it down in his memory. I walk past him, feeling thirsty.

As I pass, I swear I hear Duff say something.

"Just another thing we have in common."

TAGS:

All fics: @the--blackdahlia @sugar-content @sharon6713 @siliwanoel @charlyallise @lo-bells @lauravic @livingdeadharley @kawennote09 @ozzypawsbone-princeofbarkness @hllywdwhre @abbysdogcollar @nikkisixxwiththebass @waywardprincess666 @tommyleeownsme

@rock-n-roll-soul-frankie @unholy-brat @eak1996 @madsthegroupie @sinningsixx @kissyourrosegoodbyemotley

Duff: @daisystuffsstuff

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clean-bands-dirty-stories · 6 years ago

Text

Heartbreaker ~ Bellamy Blake (part 4)

A/n: This got a lot more attention than I thought it would. If anyone wants to have me start a tag list for this story just let me know :)

Word Count: 4528

MASTERLIST

Wells' death was hard on me. I was there for Clarke though mostly, which meant far less time with Bellamy. We hadn't talked about the kids or what was going on between us or where we stood yet and it was taking a toll. But Clarke was my friend and the pain she was feeling over losing Wells was more important than my romantic drama with Bellamy.

When Finn asked me to give them some space, I snuck away while he confronted her to give her some gift he was so excited about. I was sure things were fine and I had no worries.

Until I saw her bare wrist. I caught her arm as she passed me. "Clarke," I whispered, eyes wide.

She pulled her arm away. "Not now." I let it go, stepping away and getting back to work.

Just to have Murphy piss me off. When he whipped his wang out to pee on one of the others, I shoved him. Hard. He missed the kid completely. "What the FUCK is your deal?" I screamed. He faced me, our chests touching. He was taller than me but I was angry. "Get over yourself Murphy you're nothing special. Learn to back off. Bellamy said to give the kid some water."

He sneered, "You're not one to go around preaching about what Bellamy says. Aren't you team Clarke?"

"We're all on Earth you dimwit! There are no teams!"

Hands were pushing us apart and I looked over to see Bellamy himself. "Both if you calm down," he snapped. "Y/n, come with me. It seems you two need some space from each other." A look crossed Murphy's face and I could hear the words he wasn't saying in my head so clearly that I got even angrier. Teasing us about having sex or making out. Poking fun at Bellamy because he could have easily pulled Murphy away but he didn't. He pulled me. I pushed his unheard taunting words out of my head and followed after Bellamy. "What's your deal with him?" he asked. "You're usually pretty level headed these days."

I actually smiled, but it didn't last long. "He just gets under my skin. He's ruthless and seems to genuinely like hurting people. I don't feel safe with him around. And when I don't feel safe... I lash out, I guess." Bellamy nodded but before anything else could happen, Octavia and Jasper were rubbing up to us, babbling about something they had seen in the woods, and Murphy was forgotten.

Wells' missing fingers had been found and after a quick conclusion that his murderer had been on of the 100, my brain was packed with red tinted images of Murphy covered in Wells' blood. If I didn't feel safe around him before, I felt actively in danger now. I was relieved when Clarke went after him.

"You son of a bitch!" she screamed, shoving him hard. I watched from the tent entrance, fighting a smile. I shouldn't get joy from her pain or from Murphy's death, but... after seeing him walk around here like he owned the place, stepping on people like no one but him and Bellamy meant anything at all... I got some satisfaction from it.

"What's your problem?" he asked, laughing. The bastard.

"Recognize this?" Clarke asked, drawing Murphy's eyes as she held up to the blade.

Murphy shrugged. "It's my knife, where did you find it?" He went to reach for it but Clarke pulled it out of his reach and his hand fell to his side.

"Where you droppe dit after you killed Wells," she accused roughly.

People began gathering and Murphy seemed to stop short, his mood completely changing. "Where I WHAT?" he spat. There was a silence. And something... something was off. "The Grounders killed Wells, not me."

Clarke stepped closer to her and that anxiety and fear rose up in me again, but for her, not me. "I know what you did, and you're going to pay for it."

"Really?" Murphy eased, disbelieving. "Bellamy you really believe this crap?" He looked at his leader but Bellamy didn't say anything. I stepped forward, moving so I was next to Bell, even if we were fairly delegated by space. He was diagonal from Clarke, to her right, and I was the same but to her left. We stood a ways back, watching and unsure.

"You threatens to kill him, we all heard you," Clarke reminded, her voic elevating. "You hated Wells."

Murphy crosses his arms over his chest. "Plenty of people hated wells. His father was the chancellor!" His voice rose for that last part, as if announcing it or using it as proof. If he wasn't guilty, why did he look and act and sound so defensive? If he did, why did it feel like there was something VERY odd about this whole thing?

Clarke's voice knocked me out of my thoughts. "Not many people got in a knife with him!" she yelled.

"Yeah I didn't kill him then either," Murphy ground out.

Octavia took a small stepped forward, from standing next to her brother to standing in front of him. "Tried to kill Jasper too."

A tension rang out for a few solid seconds and I looked at Murphy calculatingly. He had fear. Real fear. But not guilt. Not the darkness or the torment of a murderer. But if he was unbothered by killing Wells, did that make him innocent or psycothic? "Come on this is ridicuslous. I don't have to answer to you- I don't have to answer to anyone!"

"Come again?" Bellamy piped up.

Another long pause. Shuffling. Tension. Awkwardness. Hesitation. Then Murphy broke it, walking past Clarke to his leader. "Bellamy," he said rather evenly. "Look, I'm telling you, man. I didn't do this."

Bellamy's eyes narrowed. "They found his fingers on the ground with your knife."

"Is this the kind of society we want?" Clarke yelled, grabbing everyone's attention again. She looked around and then looked at Bellamy, her eyes intense and her gaze accusing. "You say you want no rules- does that mean we can kill each other without- without punishment?"

Murphy stepped towards her and there was an honesty about the way he did it. No bravado, like when he played strong and brave for everyone else. "Look I already told you, I didn't kill anyone!" he seethed.

"What if he's telling the truth?" I didn't realize I'd said it out loud until that tense silence was back again and everyone was looking at me. Each and every person had an equally surprised look on their face- even Murphy. I found the need to defend myself. "I mean, just because it's his weapon doesn't mean he was automatically the one that wielded it. Just like Wells used Bellamy's gun to shoot that lion-tiger-whatever thing in the woods when you went to get Jasper. We've all heard the story." I stood taller. "Sure he's a dick and a hot head, but we know that he's all talk. No matter what he says I don't think he would really kill a person unless he absolutely had to. He can't even stand up to Bellamy without shaking in his boots." He glared at me but the look was softer than usual. "What happened to innocent until proven guilty?"

Clarke turned to face me, anger rolling off of her in waves. Did K just out our friendship on the line for a douchebag I absolutely hated? For MURPHY? "And what if he's lying? There's plenty of evidence- I don't want to give him more time to do more damage!"

Then someone said the two words I thought I was free from and with that one phrase a type of fear I didn't know I could feel coursed through me, freezing my blood and turning my bones to steal. "Float him."

Clark whipped around to face the speaker. "That's now what I'm saying."

"Why not?" the boy asked. "He deserves to float. It's justice."

"Revenge is not justice!" Clarke snapped back.

"It's justice! Float him! Float him!" And he started cheering. The crowd around us roared and echoed his chant. It was so loud I was knocked out of my state of shocked fear and I ran to Murphy's side just as he jerked forward. For that reason only I was able to fight some people away... before a hand came across the side of my head and I was knocked flat on my back. The crowd wa smiling and I was groaning to get to my feet. I was moving, fighting, running. And then everything changed.

"Bellamy. You should do it."

Clarke was screaming, begging him not to. He didn't hear her though. He made eye contact with me and I gave him a very dark look. I mentally screamed at him not to do it. "You left Atom, I know you're not a killer!" That phrase seemed to tip him off.

He kicked the stool out from under Murphy and I was suddenly losing my center of gravity. If I was struggling with me feelings for Bellamy before, it wasn't a struggle anymore. "This is on you, Princess!" He screamed at Clarke. "You should have kept your mouth shut.

Finn ran into the scene and went to save Bellamy but he was cutoff bu the bitch boy that had started this whole thing. Bellamy was stopping Clarke and I wa the only one left. I grabbed a knife from my waist and and pushed through the crowd. The blade slid across someone's skin and caused even more panic as Charlotte screamed, "STOP IT! STOP! It wasn't Murphy didn't kill Wells!" We all grew quiet but I wasn't looking at her, I was moving to Murphy. "I did."

My blade hit the rope and Murphy fell. I was at his side immediately. "Murphy?" His fingers wrapped around my wrist gently, air desperately screaming into his lungs. My eyes skipped right over Bellamy's and I felt the pain in his chest at my complete rejection without even having to see his face for long at all. My eyes landed on Charlotte. She looked terrified and for the million time since I'd been on Earth, I was faced with another dilemma that should have been easy... but wasn't.

"BRING OUT THE GIRL BELLAMY!" I was the only thing that stood between a raging Murphy and Bellamy, Finn, Clarke, and Charlotte, who were inside the tent. I had my arms crossed over my chest. I wouldn't let him kill her. That's all I was thinking right now. "I thought you were done with him!" he spat at me. "I almost got killed because of her!"

"And killing her is just as bad as them trying i kill you," I replied with complete monotone.

Inside the tent, Bellamy sighed. "Why Charlotte?" He asked the young girl.

"I was just trying to slay my demons," she whimpered. "Like you told me!"

"What the hell js she talking about?" Clarke snapped.

Bellamy wa struggling. "She misunderstood me," he mumbled nervously. "Charlotte that is not what I meant."

"BRING THE GIRL OUT NOW!" Murphy screamed again. He took a step closer and I brandished my blade. He stepped back again.

"Please don't let them hurt me!" Charlotte begged, near hysterics. I couldn't just stand here for much longer. I was so tired of this...

"If you guys have any bright ideas, speak up," Bellamy grumbled. Defeat was so clear in his voice that I felt my insides begin to twist. She couldn't die. She couldn't die. She couldn't die. But there was quiet in the tent and my stomach twisted tighter. "Now you guys stay quiet?" Bellamy snapped.

"Those are your boys out there," Finn shot back.

"This is not my fault," Bellamy stayed clearly. "If she'd listened to me, those idiots would still be building the wall!"

Murphy was getting restless. "You want to build a society, Princess?" he screamed. "Let's build a society! Bring her out!

"No!" Charlotte screamed. "Please Bellamy." Her voice was soft and wet with emotion and I grunted, my teeth clicked together to right my jaw was burning.

There were whispers I couldn't hear and then Bellamy was exiting the tent. I stayed back. I didnt want to be anywhere near him right now. "Look who finally decided to join us," Murphy spat as he approached rather quickly.

"Dial it down and back off," Bellamy ordered clearly.

Murphy stepped closer again. "Or what?" He was covered in blood and my face contorted with pain. I wanted it to go away. I wanted what just happened to be rewound and hidden, buried deep and out of sight forever. "What are you gonna do about me? Hang me?" I flinched.

"I was just giving the people hat they wanted," Bellamy told him without a single care in the world. Without a lick of guilt. I didn't realize I was glaring at him until Infelt eyes on me and looked over to see Murphy looking. Then I was knocked out of my thoughts and felt the shape of my face and forced it calm. But Murphy had already seen it- the damage was done. "Yeah," he said in the same tone. "That's a good idea." He turned around to face the crowd behind him. "Why don't we do that right now?" I felt my heart drop into my toes. "So who wants to see the real murderer hung up? All in favor?" He rose his hands. His little buddies rose their hands. Maybe five people... out of the total ninety-something of us there were. Ouch. "I see." The words were filled with so much anger they seemed to ooze out of him like toothpaste being squeezed from a tube. "So it's okay to string me up for NOTHING, but when this little batch confesses, you all let her walk?!"

Silence. Dead silence. He turned to me again but this time I wasn't afraid. "They're dicks," I agreed. All eyes turned to me. "They're irrational and stupid." I looked directly at Bellamy. "This is why we have rules." My eyes moved back to Murphy. "RULES. A WAY we do things. Justice, NOT revenge. A non-bias judge. Shit like that. People just wanted to kill you because as much of a dick as they are, you're MORE of a dick. Dragging her out here is not going to reverse what's been going on this whole time. It's going to make it worse!"

His face twisted with rage. There was no talking sense into him. "COWARD!" he screamed. He stormed at me but Bellamy intervened, probably saving my ass.

"Murphy!" he hollered, face aged with dark seriousness and demanding leadership. "It's over."

"Whatever you say Boss," the bloody boy replied far too evenly. Bellamy turned away from him, catching my arm as he passed. Whatever his intentions had been, they were ruined when that second of distraction allowed Nurohy to grab one of the log chunks and whack it over Bellamy's head, knocking him unconscious. Octavia ser off screeching but all Murphy did was turn to his boys. "Let's go in and get her." I held my ground as they approached, but one of the guys stepped forward, catching me off guard as they didn't go to grab a weapon but wrapped their fingers around my throat without hesitation, squeezing my air pipe until I was unable to call oxygen into my lungs. There was shuffling and screaming but all I could see were the dark eyes of my would be killer and hear the rushing of blood in my ears as my vision started to spot and my body began to seize up.

"I SAID LET HER GO!" Air suddenly flowed back into my body. "She was there, at the beginning. Don't kill her." I hit the ground hard, gasping desperately to get my body regulated again. A hand rested on my back. "You okay?" I looked up to see Murphy. My eyebrows knitted in confusion. "You have my back, I have yours. Even if you are a pain in the ass." Then he stood and was gone.

"You can't go with me." I rolled my eyes. "I'm serious, Y/n! I'll move faster alone and if I get in trouble I don't want to have to face down Murphy with you there- even if he does suddenly have some soft spot for you."

"She's my friend too!" I argued, my voice hoarse and cracking. The sound made him flinch.

He moved closer and I stepped away. Pain briefly showed on his face before he hid it. "Please stay here?" I crossed my arms over my chest. "Get the rest of these guys into line. I need you to be their leader just for a second. You always know what to say, what to do. Do it. Help them. I'll be back with Charlotte and we can figure something out. Okay?" When I didn't say anything he sighed. "We can fugue EVERYTHING out later."

Everything. The way he said it and the look in his eyes when the word came from his mouth. I thought of the kids neither of us had talked about. All that time hating me and now he was just as mixedbuo and lost as I was. I'd been stupid to think things would just go back to how they were before just because I confessed to him. But now it wasn't just about the rift between us because he thought I turned his sister in. Now t was about him giving in to everyone and kicking that stool away, despite me and Clarke and the justice that was demanding be served. There was a whole world between us and ut was all a mess... the promise of a solution. Of returning back to what we once were, or even just defining what we could or had to be in the lives we lived here, as the people we are now.

I stepped back. "Fine."

I would never see Charlotte again.

"Y/n?" It was the sixth time my name had been called in the last two minutes. They'd been trying to get through me to me for about an hour. Octavia was taking care of Jasper and Clarke was with Bellamy, explaining the situation - which is what set me off and sent me into this mode in the first place- and then ran off with Finn to get updates with the communication bracelets. After everyone had parted ways, I'd found a small corner to hide. Bellamy had found me. He was having absolutely no luck getting through to me.

"So much..." I whispered. I wasn't totally sure I was speaking out loud but I didn't care. "Pain. I think I almost find the good in people. I almost fix it. Almost get there. Almost solve the puzzle. Almost calm down. Almost find my place. Almost find my place. And then soemthing happens. They die or almost die or kill someone." I scoffed. "Wells. Charlotte. I could have even seen Murphy, maybe. If he calmed down or I could get through to him. That would have been an interesting friendship if it worked out." I shook my head. "I need my own friends. I keep making the same friends as you and Clarke and Octavia and I just want my own friends that won't die. So that I don't feel like we HAVE to work out because then I'll lose them or have to see you with another girl because I'll have to be around you all the time. I- It's so much... I've been alone for a long time and si thoughts this place would be different. And- and it is. Different. It's so much worse."

Bellamy sighed after it got quiet, signaling that I was done. "Y/n..." He say next to me. "I've always believe that love and fear and such emotions that made you irrational or complacent were dangerous because they'd get you killed. But you... you wear your wildest, ugliest emotions on your sleeve. Even when you're stone cold you still radiate your emotions, like they're coming off of you in the air or something. You have a way of finding the hope in any situation. You're strong and you're... your place is here. Working, supporting. You don't fight for power- you're fine speaking up for the little guys and supporting the big guys- as long as you find it right for you. If you disagree, you have no problem fighting for what you believe in. I know we've been through a lot in the last few days but I just need you to be okay. I- I can't lose you too."

I looked at him. "You would have let him die."

His face exploded with guilt. "He wasn't a good guy."

"He trusted you. Supported you. Obeyed you. He's as much a dick as that kid who strung him up. As much of a bad person as those that beat him up and cheered as the air left his lungs. As twisted as the piece of shit who tried to kill ME. He's messed up Bellamy, just like all of us. What about you? What did you do to get on the dropship, hm?" He looked away. "That's what I thought. None of us are really good people. Clarke could be close but she's too reckless, forgetting that other people don't think as she does. Aren't as strong or as centered or as driven or as... anchored to life as she is. We're the best we can be and that's all we can really offer. So what made him different? He was a shitty boss? He acted out more than the rest of us? He wasn't afraid to do and say the things that everyone was thinking about? Hell if he's condememned for being a bad leader then you deserve to die too." He flinched. I looked away.

"Y/n...."

"Charlotte's dead too now." And she killed Wells because- like what the fuck is wrong with us? God..."

Bellamy slowly, softly guided me closer, pulling me to him without forcing me so that if I wanted to pull away, I could. But I didn't. And when the side of my head touched his chest, I lost it. He held me and I cried and tried to breathe and make sense of the chaos of my thoughts and emotions right now. But it didn't make sense. Not at all.

My wrist burned and I hissed, jerking away from Bellamy to look down. The bracelet on my wrist had opened, falling to the ground. My eyes widened. Bellamy and I looked at each other. What had just happened? I stood, ready to hunt down Monty or Clark and make sense of why my wristband had turned off. Bellamy caught my wrist. "Wait." It was the one the wristband had been on and to feel him touch the skin there was weird. It was tender and too soft and tingly. I paused, looking back at him. He had a sort of desperation on his face and my body relaxed a bit, melting under it. I could see the questions flashing through his mind but didn't know what they were, and he seemed too overwhelmed or clueless or confused or something because he wasn't vocalizing any of them.

"I know you've been sleeping around," I mumbled. His eyes widened even further. "I'm not mad." I scoffed. "It actually gave me a moment to show how great I am at comebacks. And we're not... together. So. It's whatever. Just thought you should know, I know."

He stood. His hands went to either side of my face and he pulled me to him, smashing our lips together. Tension snapped and emotions ran free and I clung to him, pulling him as absolutely close as I could. For the second time, we kissed.

He pushed me and I tripped over something. He was only nudging me really, trying to guide me, but I'd fallen anyway. Thankfully he'd been there to catch me. "My tent?" he whispered.

I rolled my eyes, mind racing with everything going on but my heart ramming against my ribs, overpowering it all as it was super charged from his touch. His kiss. "Really, Bell? Charlotte died today. You almost killed Murphy. My wristband came off and- what if everyone's did? Why now? Why so suddenly? There's a whole world flipping on its head- my world- and all you can think about is sex?"

"You know what I'm thinking about?" he demanded of me. I paused and then shook my head. "The girl I love used me for what the fuck ever and then sold my sister out for brownie points with the counsel. For a year and a half I wa sure you were garbage, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't REALLY believe it. I couldn't shake you. You would pop up in my head at the most random moments and my whole body would ache someone was digging invisible needles into my nerves at night and then leaving me with the pain in the morning. I couldn't shake memories of kissing you or holding you or hugging you. I couldn't forget your laugh or your smile or the way your hand felt in mind. And then, I find out that the world I've been dreaming about escaping to in order to get away from you is finally mine! But you're here to taint that too, and actually, it's a total shit hole where nothing is right and it all just completely sucks. And then... you suddenly AREN'T the scum of everywhere and I don't feel wrong for wanting you and I can have you, so please excuse me for wanting you after all that."

I smiled weakly. "I'm sorry Bell..."

His forehead touched mine. "I'll forgive you for that if you forgive me for Murphy."

Honestly that was fair. I nodded and he moved close again, our breath mixing in the air between us. "Let's take it slow though. It's overwhelming just to be close to you touch you? Kiss you? Dear god, have sex with you? I might lose it." He laughed. "I'm serious! After losing you... thinking I'd never see you or O again, ever. I shut off. Turned into a robot for a year and a half. And ever since I heard your voice again all those emotions have been back except this time I don't know how to deal with them and on top of that it's been one thing after another-"

"Slow," he mumbled. "We can take it slow." I smiled gratefully. "Sleep in my tent tonight? JUST sleep, I promise. I just don't want you out here, out of sight and unprotected, when I have spit on my bed."

My face split in a grin. "I would love that." That night I slept in Bellamy's tent, in his arms. His breath was cool and his body was warm and I have never slept that well in my life.

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