#lds mormon gay church bishop conversion

[redheadgleekfic]

Ficlet: Dear Elder Anderson

by @redheadgleek for @wowbright

Words: ~1400

Rating: General

Summary: Coming home isn't always easy.

A/N: written for and inspired by my dear friend @wowbright and their Mormon!Klaine universe. Several months ago, we were talking about what happened after Kurt's return from his mission and it inspired this idea. As Wow hasn't read this, think of it as an AU of an AU.

Other notes: this includes blatant descriptions of the LDS temple with direct wording from the endowment and sealing ceremonies. Along with a multitude of other sins not condoned by the church. If this offends, I encourage you to find something else to read.

*

5 August 2014

Dear Elder Anderson,

I know, it’s a little weird calling you this after so many weeks of using your first name. But now, after coming home where I can’t call you Elder Anderson to our investigators on a daily basis or hear Elder Flannigan slaughter the pronunciation, I miss it. 

I miss you.

I miss you every day. I think I miss you most in the mornings, when I think about those mornings sitting across from you as you ate your pretzel and scrambled eggs and we did companion scripture study together. But I also miss you at night when I could hear you breathe in the dark and listen to the little snort you’d make when you were just drifting off. 

It’s weird being home, weird being away from you after so many months with you constantly at my side. You’ve been my compass for so long, that now I feel adrift. I swore I wouldn’t be one of those missionaries who couldn’t have a normal conversation for months. But every time I start to share a story about my time in Germany, it always seems to feature you, and talking about you both thrills and hurts me, so I stop and I sound so awkward. 

Dad suspects something. How much I don’t know, but he asks me a lot of questions about you. He can sense something has changed. That I’m different than I was before. 

He and Carole sat down with me two nights ago. They want to be sealed in the temple next month. And they want me to do Finn’s temple work. 

I am so conflicted and I think my silence surprised them. Doing my brother’s temple work so that we could be together as a family for eternity was my primary goal for so many years. This is what I wanted. 

I feel no guilt or shame over my feelings for you or anything we did. What we have is precious and God-given. I know this with as much of a burning bosom surety as I got when I’ve prayed about the church. So I felt no guilt when I sidestepped the questions at my exit interview with the bishop and I told him I obeyed the law of chastity and was worthy to enter the temple with no hesitation. He would have disagreed with me, would have excommunicated me if I had confessed, but he is wrong. It was harder to answer the questions about sustaining the president as a seer and revelator, when I’m not sure that he really is, but I got my recommend and I’ve been determined to use it. 

And yet, when Dad brought up us spending the day at the temple, I was at a loss. Do I want to do Finn’s work any more? Will he really be lost to me for eternity if I don’t? If the church is wrong about being gay, is it wrong about the afterlife too? 

I wish you were here so I could talk to you about this. Your straightforward explanations always calmed my worries and got me out of my head. You never were afraid of any of the questions I asked. I know if I brought them up with Dad, he’d worry about it. 

On the plus side, I was able to shove all of my mission suits to the back of my closet. I went on a shopping spree and treated myself to a new waistcoat and shirts with color and jeans - jeans, Blaine, I’ve missed them so much. They look great with the bowtie you gave me - I’ll send you the pics. 

Love, Kurt

*

7 September 2014

Mein Liebling Elder Anderson,

Yesterday, Carole took out her endowment and she and Dad were sealed together for time and all eternity. And with me acting as proxy, Finn was sealed to them too. They were so happy. Carole looked radiant in her white dress and Dad kept hugging us both. 

It was a draining day, spiritually nourishing and numbing at the same time. 

Dad baptized me, confirmed me and gave me the priesthood for Finn. I wept hearing his name over and over. “Kurt E Hummel, I baptize you for and on behalf of Finn Christopher Hudson, who is dead.”

Kurt E Hummel, I confirm you a member of the Church of Jesus Christ for and on behalf of Finn Christopher Hudson, who is dead."

Who is dead. I was reminded over and over that he was dead.

I’ve always loved the symbolism of the temple. Perhaps because Dad was a convert and Mom did things her own way, but I’ve never minded the anointing or the endowment or found it weird. There’s something meaningful in the rituals, the way that we would all perform the same signs at the same time that felt powerful. I felt closer to God the few times I went to the temple before my mission and that’s why I’ve been so determined to keep my recommend. 

Elder St. James told me once that he almost walked out when he took out his endowments, certain that he was part of a cult. I don’t think I ever asked you of your experiences with the temple. Carole didn't seem too shocked, but I'm pretty sure that Dad filled her in on what to expect.

The endowment bothered me more yesterday. Finn was washed clean from his sins by someone who everybody else in the church would see as sinning. I couldn’t help that wave of worry that by lying to the lord’s anointed to get the recommend and doing Finn’s work, I would be invalidating it all and he would be in the terrestrial kingdom forever. I tried to ignore it as I pledged to refrain from loud laughter for my brother whose loud, free laugh could be heard across the school and made everybody around him happy. I took vows to obey the law of chastity with promises for his posterity when he never got to get married or have kids or any of that. 

There were beautiful moments too and those were almost harder. When the officiant reminded us about the meaning of the marks, I remembered stroking the mark of the square on your breast as I listened to your heartbeat. I love seeing you in your garments, seeing you as a son of God. 

And everything felt peaceful and familiar and right when I stood in the prayer circle next to my dad and stepmom. Carole was crying, tears that seeped out from under her veil and my dad was glowing in pride for what I was doing. His wish of having all of his family together. 

Dad took Carole through the veil. Does my mom mind sharing my dad for eternity? So many questions that I have no answer for. He also served as the officiant when I got to the veil too. I didn’t know that this was going to happen and I started crying when I heard his voice through the veil. Having my dad’s hand on my shoulder, holding my hand and giving the tokens, and hearing him say “Let him enter” - Blaine, this is all I’ve ever wanted. We sat in the celestial room afterwards, talking about Finn and cried together. For once, one of the temple workers didn’t try to shush us for talking too loudly. 

When it was time for the sealing, we all walked to the room together. It was just the three of us and the sealant. Dad and Carole were sealed first, and then I knelt next to them as Finn, who is dead. I looked into the mirror, and watched our reflections echoing, trying to picture my mom beside us and Finn and you. Because you belong there too in our circle of love. I wish I could kneel across from you and take your right hand and pledge before God, angels and witnesses to uphold the holy order of matrimony.

And I can’t. I won’t ever be able to do that. 

We took pictures outside on the temple grounds. I’ve always loved the simplicity of the Columbus temple. It was built when I was a toddler, and I have pictures of my parents and me at the open house, my dad carrying me because it had been a long day. 

Again, I imagined you holding my hand as we exited out of the front door to the cheers of all of our loved ones. 

I thought I could still make the church work after coming home. I’d be like John Gustav-Wrathall, faithfully attending church every week with you by my side, even if they disfellowshipped or excommunicated me. I don’t know if I can do that, because I ache so much for what I can’t have. 

But I know this. You are worth more than the eternity that the church offers. 

Love, Your Kurt

[autisticamerican]

Ex-Mormon here. I was born into the cult, and I didn't even realize it was one until I learned that a boy in the church, not that much older than me, had sexually abused multiple children he'd babysat, multiple times.

He went to same church as I did, and I saw him every Sunday and thought he was "ok, I guess", until one time, my entire family was sick and stayed home, and protesters had stormed into the chapel and started protesting his treatment of those kids. (To Mormons, the chapel is very holy place. In their eyes, it was like they burst through the doors into a private meeting between the Pope, Mother Teresa, and Princess Diana, and started screaming like a Karen at them.) One of the members started singing a church hymn to drown out their voices, and everyone else started singing along. I remember that the lead protester later described it as "the most cult-like thing she'd ever seen/heard".

I found out that the bishop (the Mormon version of a pastor) knew, and instead of turning him in to law enforcement, he helped cover it up. I knew then that I had to get out, but I didn't know how.

So for the next few years, I pretended to be the perfect Mormon girl (well, as perfect as an abused, autistic, socially-deprived, pubescent girl could be.)

Then, one night during Young Women's (a weekly thing the girls ages 12-18 went to once a week to hang out and do a (usually fun) activity while learning a relavent church lesson), the Leaders (women in charge of the young women's meetings), me, and my mom were sitting together a table, no one else in sight, gossiping.

I didn't speak, because I knew I'd be ignored (as I usually am), and the conversation turned towards the LGBTQ+ community. It was 2015 then, right after gay marriage was finally legalized. I knew the church hated the LGBTQ+ and often taught that the best marriages were between a man and a woman, but some of the things they said shocked me.

I won't repeat some of them, but they did say it "was a pity" and "a shame" that "they actually got their abomination legalized". I had to excuse myself before I punched someone. I couldn't understand why the leaders were so upset. They (the LGBTQ+) were finally allowed to legally marry the people they loved, why couldn't they see that? I never told a soul then, as we were often taught that marrying your opposite sex in the temple is one of the best things to do to get into heaven, but I've never wanted to get married (that was about when I started to realize that I was aro ace).

A few months later, I was bored before Young Women's, so I decided to explore the church again. I found the usual empty Sunday school classrooms, but one stood out to me. It had locked cabinets (as they usually do), a table, and some chairs. There was a paper (I can't remember if it was a newspaper or a piece of paper) on the floor, and as I was extremely bored, I read it, and became very upset.

It was about a Supreme Court case from 2000, where the Boy Scouts kicked someone out for being gay. The Boy Scouts were often associated with the LDS Church, as their partnership had lasted so long and most Boy Scouts were Mormon (they ended their partnership in 2018). I didn't know what to do next, so I tried to ignore the bad feeling that this was wrong for the next several years.

In 2020, I finally got an opportunity to leave the church for good. COVID swept across the world, quarantine started, and Sunday church meetings were canceled until further notice. When public places started to open again, I got a call from them, asking when I'd be back.

I told them that I was never coming back, the church is a discriminating cult, and to never contact me again unless they wanted to be sued for harassment. He just mumbled, "I don't think we're a cult..." My family was in the same room as me, and after I hung up on him, my mom and stepfather started screaming and berating me for talking to someone from the church like that. As I was over 18 and now allowed to choose my religion, I ignored them.

To this day, I have not had contact with anyone from the church (I believe the threat of being sued for harassment deterred them), my family and I do not speak about my beliefs, and I am an atheist.

mormon kids under the age of 18 being told their church is a cult

mormons 18-24 after they go through their endowment ceremony and receive their new name and secret clothing and learn the secret handshakes and passwords and realize everyone around them has been secretly doing this the whole time and now theyre going to be sent away from their family for 2 years where they will literally not be allowed to be alone for 1 second of the day except to go to the bathroom and they have no idea how to get out of what they just got into

[nerdygaymormon]

What do you think about the possible excommunication of Natasha Helfer?

Before this week, the only thing I knew about Natasha Helfer is I’d read an article she’d written about masturbation being part of normal sexual development, and she doesn’t see it as sinful. I agree with her. 

Because of the publicity surrounding her summons to a membership council, I now know much more about her. 

She made a video about being summoned to a membership council scheduled for April 18th. For starters, a stake where she hasn’t lived since 2019 has decided to do this, which seems strange to me. 

Here’s the things the summons letter cites as “misconduct”:

Support for same-sex marriage

Teaching that masturbation is part of a normative sexual-development journey and should not be seen as “sin” or as a reason to keep our youth from being considered worthy to serve or church activities

Her stances on sexually-explicit materials, aka pornography (she believes this is because she educates about using a values model vs an addiction model in the treatment of such concerns)

She’s been critical of Church leaders

Concerns she has encouraged people to leave the Church 

—————————

I went to section 32.6 of the General Handbook which lists the things someone may face a membership council. Frankly, the things listed in the letter sent to Natasha Helfer are not found in the Handbook. 

I suppose these could fit under the charge of “Apostasy,” because she publicly declares opinions different from the Church. Here’s what the Handbook says constitutes apostasy:

Repeatedly acting in clear and deliberate public opposition to the Church, its doctrine, its policies, or its leaders

Persisting in teaching as Church doctrine what is not Church doctrine after being corrected by the bishop or stake president

Showing a pattern of intentionally working to weaken the faith and activity of Church members

Continuing to follow the teachings of apostate sects after being corrected by the bishop or stake president

Formally joining another church and promoting its teachings (Total inactivity in the Church or attending another church does not by itself constitute apostasy. However, if a member formally joins another church and advocates its teachings, withdrawing his or her membership may be necessary.)

—————————

Natasha Helfer is a well-known LDS marriage counselor and certified sex therapist in Utah. She’s written several articles that have been widely read. She’s been a recurring guest on the Mormon Mental Health podcast, Mormon Matters and appeared on many other podcasts. 

She’s particularly sought out because of her training & expertise and her experiences in helping members of the Church overcome their sense of shame regarding sexuality. 

As a marriage counselor, she helps couples where one or both goes through a faith crisis, she says she doesn’t encourage anyone to leave the Church but honors their choices and helps them work through their thoughts & feelings, and also the effect it has on their marriage.  

Because of the news about her being summoned for a membership council, I’ve learned more about her positions. Here’s a list of some of the things I’ve seen in her writing: 

Sex Ed in Utah public schools should be comprehensive and accurate

Sexual assault is a crime & should be talked about as such

The LDS Church should know how to address sexual misconduct and sexual assault much better than it currently does

We should embrace and minister to our trangender neighbors, not fear them and make church difficult for them

Excommunication is cruel and unusual punishment which often is a traumatic experience used by the Church to silence its critics

Service Missions should be setup to be meaningful and seen as equal to proselyting missions

LGBTQ+ members should be affirmed and included in their faith community

LDS teachings & messages to LGBTQ+ members is akin to bullying and has real-world consequences on their mental health & lives

Fear of the BYU Honor Code actually causes many to not seek repentance for fear of academic punishment

The Church teaching that only certain families that fit the mold will get to enjoy the afterlife together is harmful. Mormon Heaven = Sad Heaven. She lists many groups who are harmed by this teaching, including: mixed-faith families, LGBTQ+ individuals & their families, families where someone struggles with addiction, single-parent families, families trying to deal with abuse & trauma, families dealing with mental health conditions such as bi-polar or impulse-control, family survivors of someone who died by suicide

When the Church rescinded the policy of exclusion against gay couples and their children, it should have been accompanied by an apology, not just a brief statement of the announcement with no explanation for the change

Social media isn’t the problem, how we use it is. If we’re keeping in touch with family & friends with whom we otherwise wouldn’t because of distance, accessing support you wouldn’t find in your area, obtaining ideas & resources, these are good. Comparing ourselves to others’ “best selves”, debating others, writing mean comments and such are not helpful. Too often people behave differently online than they do in person

We should wish people well when they leave our church and faith community and wish them well on their spiritual journey. We do a good job at celebrating newcomers even though many of them had to say goodbye to something in order to say hello to us

We need to speak of abortion more than as if anyone who gets one is evil. Even the Church’s position makes room for abortion in certain circumstances and we should be more nuanced in how we speak of it

Biological sex and gender are not binary. This may be LDS doctrine but the sciences of Biology and Psychology say otherwise

She supported the law ending conversion therapy in Utah of LGBTQ+ people

Racism is a public health emergency in the USA, racism is more than hate, it’s in our systems. It’s in our scriptures, our folklore, our culture, our history

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It’s acceptance and moving forward

She also has many articles & podcasts about improving marriage relationships, how to talk with your child about sex, tips for a mixed-faith marriage and similar topics directly related to her job as a marriage counselor and sex therapist.

I’m very impressed, from what I see. She is a tremendous force for good in our LDS community. We need people willing to speak the truth. 

—————————

Here’s two articles that especially impressed me. 

First is one is about masturbation, how it’s a legitimate way to meet one’s needs and some of the many benefits associated with sexual release. 

Second is one about pornography, the LDS culture gives pornography more power than it deserves with our blanket bans, secrecy & shaming, and calling virtually all porn viewing an addiction.

—————————

Frankly, based on what I post on my blog, I could be charged with all the same things that Natasha Helfer is being charged with.

Do I support same-sex marriage? Yes. Absolutely.

Do I think masturbation is a sin? No, and I think many Church websites, publications, and the General Handbook back up this view. 

Is masturbation a normal part of sexual development? Yes. And it has many benefits for individuals, especially singles like me, and even within a marriage

Is porn always wrong? I definitely can think of ways porn can be included inside a healthy marriage, perhaps as a way to help a partner get “in the mood,” or for someone with a higher libido to use along with masturbation, as part of foreplay, or even getting some ideas to spice up their love life. 

Have I been critical of Church leaders? You betcha. I think they’re wrong on LGBTQ+ topics and I say so. 

Do I encourage people to leave the Church? I don’t view myself this way, although I wouldn’t say that I try to get them to stay, either. It’s their path to walk. I know most LGBTQ+ people leave the Church, it’s the way our journeys normally go. I feel God has told me it’s fine for me to leave this church, so in no way do I think poorly of people who leave. This church isn’t ready for queer people and I don’t think God requires us to remain some place that harms us.

My understanding is we’re allowed to have beliefs that differ from the Church, as long as we’re not recruiting people to our side. Simply sharing your opinion or some differences in how you view things shouldn’t be something we can be punished for.

I suppose the difference between her and me is she’s seen as a high-profile individual and she’s using her credentials to give weight to her opinions, and I’m just some rando gay guy who has a blog.

[trainthief]

Freaking Utah anti maskers man. Especially the LDS ones. “Oh we always have to listen to area authorities when they tell us to send our gay children to conversion programs.” But then “YOU WANT ME TO WEAR A MASK?? IDK SOUNDS LIKE OUR BISHOP IS ACTUALLY SATAN.” Like. Bro. It’s literally part of your gd religion to wear a mask now just effing do it. Thank you for your time

Oh yeah.... Although actually, that mask statement was only made by area leaders in Salt Lake City so most people have refused to take it as an official statement from the church itself, because I guess you only believe in the tiered-value of apostolic revelation when it means you don’t have to wear a tiny piece of cloth every once in a while (not that garments have ever been a problem for them). There’s also that absolutely batshit talk Elder Bednar (the 7th most senior leader, for anyone who’s not a Utahan) gave to the BYU Law Conference recently that included stuff like “This time of restriction and confinement has confirmed for me that no freedom is more important than religious freedom. Protecting a person’s physical health from the coronavirus is, of course, important, but so is a person’s spiritual health...never again can we allow government officials to treat the exercise of religion as simply nonessential. Never again must the fundamental right to worship God be trivialized below the ability to buy gasoline.” Meanwhile, a 40-year-old woman from my ward (NOT that I’m a Mormon, to be completely clear, but that’s just the way neighborhoods are defined here anywhere but in Salt Lake) just died of Covid yesterday after having gone to church the week before, and multiple others in the ward have been hospitalized or had family deaths in the last month or so. 

Weirdly, this has resulted in a somewhat-substantial splinter-group of mormons in Utah and Idaho who have been talking about overthrowing the government for restricting their rights (where exactly that has happened I’d love to know, because we’re completely open for business everywhere and masks are only required in certain parts of SLC with ridiculously large loopholes), and yet somehow I feel pretty confident these are the same people who love what Trump’s up to over in Portland. They’ve also started “mask-off” protests where they gather by the hundreds and “peacefully” enter mask-required areas like grocery stores. They’re driving me fucking insane and I’ve absolutely started using my boring-white-guy-with-a-beard privilege to be completely impolite about telling people they wear a mask or they get the fuck out 

[yellow401]

Do what?

It’s been a rough couple of weeks for me. Taking on a new job while desperately trying to simultaneously not do my old job and train my old team to do my old job has proven very emotionally draining. It turns out there’s a lot to do at my new job, especially in building and repairing broken relationships, which is fine, and which I knew going into it; but there’s still a lot to do, and I am tired. I am also fighting to keep this workload from affecting my sleep, and I’ve been mostly but not entirely successful.

I read this post a few weeks ago, and I felt the weariness of a thousand souls descending upon my shoulders. I felt happy and sad for the Weeds and their kids, I felt sad for the many who struggle between LGBTdom and Mormondom: those whom Josh has worked with as well as the many I know. I was able to find my measure of personal peace in this matter, but it still felt like I was expected to keep running after the wind was knocked out of me.

(Thanks to the many of you who will read this who reached out publicly or privately to say kind words and offer support. I didn’t thank all of you as well as I should have, but I am deeply grateful.)

The world outside continues to not be an exactly reassuring place. The school shooting in Florida this past week has made me hold my littles a bit closer even as I despair of sending my oldest to school this year.

This week in particular, I have witnessed the warning signs of depression creeping in--feeling drained for no good reason, not being able to type the four-digit code into my phone to unlock it, being afraid to weigh myself in the morning for days on end. And my heart has just felt heavy, like I’m dragging it behind me everywhere I go. I don’t remember it being heavy like this since I first began my missionary service fourteen years ago--that was from being in a new place, with a new schedule, so far away from anywhere I had been before, and it got better as time went on (I had help). This? I told myself that it had to get better, because it always has, but I wasn’t sure if this would ever go away, because this is my life now--none of these circumstances are going to change in the near future. By Friday or Saturday I was in a pretty dark place, internally. I knew I needed help.

God sent me an answer, as so often happens, in a completely unexpected way yesterday. As part of the help I know I need to seek for depression (one of the warning signs of depression is seeing the other warning signs and trying to downplay them to yourself) I had toyed with the idea of asking for a blessing at church but I didn’t have a definite plan. But as I walked out of choir practice and past the bishop’s office I felt--oh, how shall I describe this feeling? Like my heart had grown a head of hair and something was pulling my heart toward the bishop’s office by the hair; like if I kept walking it would be ripped out completely and I’d be left with a hole in the middle of my chest. Sorry if that sounds macabre, but it was a completely agonizing feeling. The executive secretary was sitting in the foyer, so I asked him if I could slip into the schedule and talk to the bishop for a moment. He said I was in luck--Bishop had cleared his calendar for a financial audit that wasn’t actually happening until next week.

A meeting got out and I entered the office. Based on how I had been feeling, I wasn’t sure if I was about to unload all my angst on my bishop, or if I needed to confess to something, even though I couldn’t think of anything in particular (old custom of being gay and Mormon, I suppose). But as I walked in and sat down, I felt the previous week’s despair sort of fall away, and all I said was, “I’m not really sure why I’m here, just that I felt like I should come talk to you.”

Bishop said it was good I had come in, because he needed to tell me a story. Okay. He told me how, when he was a new missionary, he had had the opportunity to teach someone who was gay (further details not necessary) and was told that he wasn’t to go back--even though he felt like going back, to tell him more. Though he hadn’t forgotten this experience, it had recently been brought back to his mind, and he wanted to tell me this story to ask my advice on a particular method of achieving restitution (again, the details are not important) for this circumstance that occurred twenty-eight years ago.

I admit I was taken aback that I might have felt prompted to visit the bishop to offer him advice, but I gave him my frank opinion (which was that he should go ahead and do what he had been considering doing). And, for what it’s worth, I told him I forgave him.

Bishop asked me, “How do you do it?”

“Do what?” I returned, completely flattered by his question.

“You just always seem so put together, like you’re in a good place.”

(the façade is strong)

“What was it that made you decide to come back?”

My answer surprised me--I suppose I don’t actually talk about it that much in real life. I explained that even when I was at my most disaffected from the Church, the Gospel, the Lord, that I knew in my heart of hearts that what I had learned was true, and I could never completely turn my back on it. I had a lot of experiences to bring me back--an institute teacher that told us many stories of when he followed specific spiritual promptings. Roommates who lived the Gospel but didn’t trumpet it. A friend/girlfriend/fiancée/wife who is hardworking, unselfish, loyal, and completely committed to her beliefs. “Jake” giving me a blessing. Going to the temple and just . . . staying there for a long time--not receiving any great visions or the like, but feeling like I should stay for a long time. My fiancée suggesting that perhaps it was because God had missed me, hadn’t been able to talk to me for a long time, not really talk to me the way He wanted to. At times it felt like God was shouting me that He loved me. Meeting my wife, that it finally felt right. That when it looked like things were getting serious, I dropped the bomb on her. We didn’t speak for several days, then told me she prayed about it, annoyed, “It feels like Heavenly Father is taking your side.” Many late night talks, after which we knew it was God’s will that we should get married. And then--well, you just live. Like the hymn we sang in church yesterday, “Come, cast your burden at His feet.” When it gets to be too much, I have to give it to God. I’ve had to do it a lot, sometimes, even thought I’m stubborn, hard-hearted, and prideful, and slow to obey. But some people only have one leg. Some people live with terminal illness. The Atonement covers . . . everything.

Bishop said that it sounded like I had a lot to be grateful for, and asked if I would say a prayer. I did. I prayed that God would ease Bishop’s mind about the matter we had discussed, and give him the strength and courage to do the things he felt impelled to do. I left the meeting floating on a cloud.

Walking home from church, I felt to whisper aloud several times, “I forgive you.” It felt so good to say. I was not the one who had been trespassed against, but I felt so much love and respect for my bishop to share this experience with me. I felt like God has been waiting for us to catch up to Him on the whole gay question for a long time now, and I felt like it was finally happening. I felt like I could do anything.

Well, I have to go back to work tomorrow, and I can already feel the dread creeping back in. I promise, I solemnly promise, that I’m going to take steps to manage and address anything amiss in my mental state. But I have already thought back to this experience several times in the last day-and-a-half, and I will cast my burdens at the Lord’s feet again and again. As many times as I have to.

[claroquequiza]

Some bishops pose pointed questions about moral cleanliness in these conversations, perhaps quizzing about masturbation, heavy petting or fornication, while others keep their queries more general.

Mormon bishops “are encouraged to ask a parent or another adult to be in an adjoining room, foyer or hall,” says Hawkins, the church spokesman, “and to avoid circumstances that may be misunderstood.” 

Without clearer instructions, some Mormon bishops may feel they have unlimited license to delve. 

Among them: “Were you dressed or did you unclothe?” “What clothes did you take off?” “Did he reach a climax?”

Occasionally, an LDS bishop seems to take an almost voyeuristic pleasure, some therapists say, in asking teenage girls details of their sexual experiences.

Several of Finlayson-Fife’s clients have told her about leaders who asked for more information than was normal — “Where did you put your hands? Where did he touch you?” — and the girls had an uneasy, confusing feeling that their bishops were “finding [their] answers titillating.”

The first young man wanted to talk about his ongoing problem with pornography. Ostler gulped. The next one had questions about masturbation and so on through a litany of other “sexual sins.”

“It never stopped,” he recalls. “I was overwhelmed. I had no training and no direction.”

Mormon bishops go through no certification to become bishops--they are called from among the congregation, given a handbook with church doctrine and policy, and that’s pretty much it--the rest is dependent on the individual bishop.

A month before I turned sixteen, I made the stupidest decision of my life and told my bishop that I was gay, which led to four years of weekly meetings with both him and a church-sponsored “psychologist”, wherein I had to hold extremely invasive conversations about myself with the basic assumption that what I was doing and feeling was sinful and wrong.

Ten years later, it’s quite the trip to see people in the LDS Church finally wake up to how ethically questionable it is to have teenage children discuss their most private actions face-to-face with grown men with minimal training with little to no protection. 

It’s a completely inappropriate practice and should be immediately banned.

[lincoln-cannon]

Each spring and fall, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the largest Mormon denomination) holds a worldwide conference. For ten hours over two days, top leaders of the Church speak in-person to over 20,000 members gathered in a conference center in Salt Lake City, and via Internet and television broadcast to a much larger audience (probably in the millions) gathered in homes and church buildings around the world. The most recent conference was held yesterday and today. Below are 90 of my own thoughts as I watched the conference. As is my custom, the thoughts include observations, and range from affirmations to criticisms, and from questions to assertions. My intent is to provoke reflection, questions, and comments. I feel this is essential to meaningful engagement with the conference, which is something I value as a member of the Church.

I wonder if we've already received Thomas Monson's last general conference sermon?

Eyring looks healthy and happy. Good. For me, he represents an important influence on Mormon tradition.

Uchtdorf suggests humans feel the call of heaven like non-human animals instinctually feel their way home across great distances.

Uchtdorf finds encouragement in the weaknesses of religious leaders in our history. If they can do divine work, so can we.

Uchtdorf says God works through us if we make an effort, learning and applying. Christian discipleship must be an active faith.

Oscarson is the first woman to speak at LDS conference. Maybe she thought too few women spoke last time. ;)

Oscarson wants to have a face-to-face conversation with me rather than have me tweet about her! :)

The main limitation of tech communication compared to face-to-face is its relatively low bandwidth, for now. That will change.

Oscarson just shared a picture of her daughter-in-law and my friend, Marie-Laure Oscarson, who taught me French in the MTC.

Oaks says exaltation is more than salvation, and that exaltation is a family matter. Isn't all of humanity our family?

Oaks construes progressive marriage law as worldly, but most of the world is conservative on marriage law.

Oaks points out that the Proclamation explicitly promotes straight marriage. But it does not explicitly demote gay marriage. Why?

Dear Elder Oaks, why did God NOT inspire you and the other authors of the Proclamation to demote gay marriage explicitly?

Pingree says God uses ordinary persons to accomplish extraordinary things. How about immortality and eternal life!

We often over-emphasize criticisms of the world and under-recognize that Mormon scripture teaches that Earth will become heaven.

Christofferson says we ought to fully and completely incorporate the life and character of Christ in our being. This is theosis.

Christofferson encourages holiness, as we esteem God holy. This is the sublime esthetic, the holy esthetic, the holy spirit.

I like the French translation of "Holiness to the Lord" on LDS temples, transliterated back to English: Sanctity to the Eternal.

Christofferson points out that we're not alone in salvation. We are the Body of Christ. Salvation is not individual after all.

Holland jokes about the apparent impossible weight of Jesus' command to be perfect as God is perfect.

Holland encourages personal improvement in a way that doesn't include ulcers, anorexia, or depression.

Holland points out that we now "live in a Telestial kingdom". So let it be settled: progression between heavens must be possible.

Holland points out our only hope for perfection is as a gift of grace. Exactly. Forgive. Give grace as received. It's the only way.

Holland is perhaps the most empathetic advocate of divine grace that Mormon leadership has ever produced.

Holland discourages toxic expectations of ourselves, each other, and Church leaders. Good advice. We all need each other's grace.

Holland points out the sublime Mormon teaching that Jesus himself progressed "grace for grace" and extends it to us.

Amen, Elder Holland. Amen.

Salvation is not an individual matter. It requires grace, of God and of each other. We are saved as the Body of Christ, not alone.

I know I'm not the only Mormon who finds the Scandinavian Jesus with an Oxford accent incredibly distracting from the message.

Remember. Technology is not the enemy. Technology empowers our participation in the work and glory of God.

I look forward to the day when technology empowers the average person, if she chooses, to heal others as medical doctors do today.

Uchtdorf is letting Eyring take his turn at facing the opposition votes. :)

"I'm trying to be like Jesus." This may be the most dangerous song Mormons teach our children to sing. ;)

Stevenson compares the solar eclipse to small mundane matters that block our vision of large sublime matters. Interesting analogy.

Stevenson rightly points out that technology is not inherently good or evil. It's just power to use for good or evil.

Stevenson reminds us that the carefully crafted self-presentations on social media are always incomplete. Life is complex.

Stevenson says, "Let us use technology to help each other ... become our finest."

I'm not sure Stevenson's "gospel glasses" metaphor works as well as his "gospel eclipse" metaphor.

Owen points out that repentance should be framed as uplifting progress. It is change, taking on Christ. It is transfiguration.

Owen says the Atonement is not merely for sinners. It's for saints too. At-one-ment requires all. Reconciliation requires all.

Framing repentance in context of "atonement," as Mormons do, has interesting ramifications. Change. Be one.

Cook says our time on Earth is as fleeting as a British summer. :)

Cook contrasts the smallness of humanity with our divine potential, no matter our race or gender.

Cook says Christ-character includes humility, righteousness, and intelligence. There's both some heart and some brain there.

Cook says emphasis of authenticity sometimes leads to arrogance. He's right.

Authenticity has no inherent value. It may have contextual value. Love the superhumanity in your neighbor as in yourself.

Cook quotes, "The test of greatness is how one meets the eternal everyday." I imagine the Gods reminding themselves of that.

Rasband rejects coincidence. I wonder if God rejects coincidence. Is there a way around Heisenberg and Godel? I doubt it.

Rasband says God orchestrates. I trust that to be the case. I also consider that completely compatible with coincidence.

It seems to me that there is no need for orchestration where there is no possibility of coincidence.

Rasband says agency fits into the plan of God. I wonder if he thinks God always knows our choices in advance of us making them.

Rasband quotes the Bible, which claims that all things will work together for good. That's an idea worth trusting -- actively.

Haleck points out that Church members in developing areas contribute as illustrated by the story of the widow's mite.

Nelson, speaking now, is most likely the next president of the LDS Church -- perhaps soon because Monson's health appears poor.

Nelson emphasizes "him" and "his" describing God. I wish our leaders would talk more about Heavenly Mother.

Nelson calls attention to the idea that progress continues after this life. I love this very Mormon conception of heaven.

Nelson says death allows us to progress to the next world. I wonder if he would tell the Three Nephites that? ;)

Renlund's reasoning on the relation between priesthood and atonement doesn't make sense to me. Wish we could ask questions.

Renlund seems to be suggesting there's some kind or extent of unique access to atonement for priesthood holders. Strange.

Evans encourages questioning and shows respect for good persons that question matters related to the Church. I like that.

I'm interested in an LDS leader talk comparing and contrasting scientific knowledge with confidence in trustworthiness of religion.

Uchtdorf is emphasizing a conception of spiritual light. For some inspiration, look at "light" references in D&C.

Uchtdorf points out that Mormon scripture equivocates between "light" and "spirit" and "truth". He could add "intelligence".

Nice to hear Uchtdorf mention Christ as the "light of the world" after previous talks on negative characterizations of the world.

I want to be OF that world of which Christ is the light -- to those with ears to hear. ;)

Eyring points out that it takes great faith to sustain imperfect leaders. He's right, but he's among the easier to sustain. :)

Eyring mentions that Bishops have a hard job because ward members know their weaknesses. Indeed. What a difficult job.

Eyring's persistent willingness to vulnerability about his own shortcomings is among the reasons he's relatively easy to sustain.

Bingham says Christ can relieve disasters and commotions in the world. I'd like to hear LDS leaders say more about those problems.

Hallstrom addresses the problem of evil. Without a solution, he praises faith in the face of evil. This is unsatisfying for many.

Bednar takes up the subject of theosis, taking on the divine nature, progressing grace by grace as exemplified by Jesus.

Zwick says we should look past easy assumptions and stereotypes. Amen.

Ballard encourages remembrance of Mormon pioneers. I'm often inspired by their practical perseverance in pursuit of our vision.

Ballard raises warnings against charlatans who promote supernatural healing. Good call. Science and medicine matter.

Ballard criticizes sexism, racism, and "nationalism." I wonder what he thinks constitutes the latter.

Callister describes the complexity of the production of the Book of Mormon. Strong point. It is strange book.

Callister rightly points out that the purpose of the Book of Mormon is to advocate the Gospel of Christ, and not history.

Koch encourages saying "Amen" after talks, to signify agreement. Okay. But I don't always agree! :)

I'm concerned that some may interpret Koch's thoughts to mean they should not express disagreements constructively.

I do not feel united with persons who withhold constructive expressions of their disagreements from me.

Ellis asks if we trust imperfect persons to lead us well? Sure. But I don't trust them to lead us perfectly.

Ellis says some people create businesses from nothing. Hmm. Not even God created the world from nothing, according to Mormonism.

Parrella also takes up the theme of authoritarian obedience. Our culture excessively emphasizes this.

I think we should give more attention to persuasion and less attention to obedience. And I suspect we would like the results.

Parrella quotes the Book of Mormon declaration that death is an "awful monster." I like that passage.

Andersen shared some visuals depicting light moving across the world. Conference would probably benefit from more use of visuals.

Andersen gives insight into how LDS leaders prepare conference talks. I appreciate the humanity of it.

Andersen repeats the denunciation of "nationalism." What do LDS leaders mean by this?

Andersen shares some thoughts and words in tribute to Elder Hales, who passed away during conference.

Anderson quotes Monson in conclusion, emphasizing love. That's a good way to end.

Originally published at lincoln.metacannon.net on October 01, 2017 at 05:06PM.

[1-dum-bitch]

Ummm... kinda. The Mormon church (read: cult) also The Church of Latter Day Saints or LDS church, is very prevalent in Utah, even/especially in politics. It also didn’t extend to cover “spiritual counseling,” meaning if a 15yo goes to their bishop (head of their congregation or “ward”) for any concerns about “same-sex attraction” or feeling disconnect to their agab, their religious leaders can still encourage practices used in conversion therapy. It also only covers children under 18, which, don’t get me wrong! Is amazing and great and wonderful, but it’s still here, and there are options for legal adults to “voluntarily” submit themselves to such “therapies.” Basically, if you’re living at home/with family, they can stipulate that you can still live with them if you’re doing something about your “same-sex attraction” or gender feelings or whatever. There’s a lot of shame surrounding identifying as non-cishet, and although the church has officially announced that they “accept” their gay brothers and sisters, it’s only if they’re not entertaining gay thoughts or doing anything considered gay. Essentially any concession they make also comes with a contingency or twelve. So if you’re 45 and living a celibate but gay life (which is the only acceptable way to be gay in the church/cult), you have the option to go to conversion therapy, which you might with how much of your life will be centered around your religion (again it’s really a cult but ok) - your friends and family are likely Mormon, and your recreationally activities are also likely linked to Mormonism, whether it’s a church event or an event with church members. You could argue that you don’t have to always be focused on your religion but the Mormon church is not a religion, it’s a cult that relies on brainwashing, usually from infancy. It sounds like a crazy conspiracy theory, but I grew up in it and still live in Utah and much of my family are still members so I’m not just talking out of my ass! I’m speaking from experience and observation.

TL;DR: official conversion therapy on minors has been banned but it’s not over yet

[nerdygaymormon]

I found this article by Nathan Kitchen, president of Affirmation, to be very compelling. 

He identifies 4 generations of gay Mormons that have existed over the past 70 years. Until about 10 or 15 years ago, the Church viewed all LGBT members as having some sort of homosexual feelings that confused gender roles. Consequently, the discussion of generations is going to focus on the treatment of gay members.  

The differences in the generations comes from the Church changing what it asks of the gay member and how it manages the existence of this group in the Church. When current practices are no longer considered acceptable to parents and others, the Church changes, thus creating the next generation. 

Each generation has a different experience with the Church’s prejudice, harassment, and discrimination. 

Nathan doesn’t identify years for each generation, and there aren’t clean breaks between one generation and the next, they bleed into each other, but I’ll put my rough estimate for each generation.

————————————————————

1st Generation (1950~1980) - The Church believed anyone could develop gay feelings and attractions, these were sinful and Church required complete rejection of these attractions. Failure to completely erase these feelings was grounds for discipline and expulsion. The church schools and most LDS families would also eject the queer person from their midst, they feared the spread of these attractions to others. Attempts to remove these “tendencies” included electro-shock therapy at BYU. Spencer W. Kimball’s book the Miracle of Forgiveness dominated Church thinking on queer topics in the era.

This is the generation that spans the most decades and consequently is the largest generation of queer Saints. This generation was taught their attractions could change if they wanted it bad enough. The violence and hostility against these individuals caused a great deal of trauma and many perished. After breaking these people, the Church washed its hands of them by ejecting them from membership, therefore removing the need to deal with the consequences of its actions in those lives.

2nd Generation (1980~2000) - Rather than insist on complete erasure of homosexual feelings (the church thought all queer identities came down to homosexuality), it employed the idea of secrecy and to act like heterosexuals. This is the invisible generation because their bishops told them to never tell anyone else. This group felt isolated and alone, hidden from other members and each other. This invisibility allowed other members to believe there were no gay people in the Church, certainly not in their congregation. This generation was encouraged to enter mixed-orientation marriages, have kids and live like a straight person and everything would be alright. If it didn’t work out, then you weren’t strong enough.

These members served in Young Women’s, as bishops, Relief Society presidencies, on the High Council, and so on. Some of them still exist in the Church, hidden from everyone because the cost of coming out is so high and the shame they have about their attractions (the Church didn’t distinguish much between feelings and actions, so these people feel bad for things they’ve never done). Every so often, we’ll hear about a former mission president or stake president who finally comes out after decades of living as a straight person.

Most of the mixed-orientation marriages failed, the queer person eventually spoke their truth, picked up the pieces of their shattered dreams, and moved on. When it became clear that a straight marriage with a straight spouse didn’t fix them, the Church moved on, usually offering support to the divorced straight spouse and rejecting the queer spouse. 

3rd Generation (2000~2015) - The Church decided gay thoughts aren’t a problem, but gay actions are. The Church encouraged people to use the term “same-sex attraction (SSA)” as a way to avoid queer identities that’s don’t fit in the Church’s view of God’s Plan. Basically, we’re all straight people and some of us are struggling with unwanted attractions. SSA was compared to addictions. Queer people no longer had to remain hidden, so they found each other and attended conferences together and encouraged each other. Members would admire you for your wrestle against SSA.

Being unable to ‘overcome’ their SSA was distressing. Although the Church no longer officially endorsed mixed-orientation marriages, many local leaders still encouraged these but with full disclosure to the straight spouse, even though these couples don’t really understand what they’re signing up for. Many queer people turned to conversion therapy to change (usually not knowing there was no evidence these programs worked or were even based in proven techniques or methods, and resulted in higher suicide rates & mental health issues). 

Because they were trying to make this path work and were admired for it, these queer members mostly didn’t share their struggles & mental health challenges with their family, friends, or other members. Unlike the 2nd generation, they were visible, but largely were kept silent. A generation seen but not heard. 

4th Generation (2015~present) - Instead of being required to change their orientation, or keep it secret, or to nobly struggle against their inner core, today’s generation is told it’s okay to identify as gay, lesbian and bisexual. There’s nothing wrong with your attractions. We want you at church, there’s a place for you here. You belong. We celebrate you by sharing videos and publishing books about single, celibate members who are gay and bi. We reject conversion therapy, no violence, no denying identities, no encouraging mixed-orientation marriages. We celebrate you...as long as you are single & celibate. 

We have many gay couples who think they’re loved enough and belong enough that they attend church together, they sit together, they’re dating and things seem okay. Once they marry, the swiftness & ferocity with which their leaders take action against them is stunning. The couple finds the warm, fuzzy messages of belonging actually hide a structure that’s still as prejudiced and discriminatory as the past. What is their place in the Church...they’re allowed to attend as visitors.

This approach held onto a lot of families, but increasingly it’s not enough. As the queer child grows up and becomes interested in love and relationships, church no longer works. And if church is not welcoming and affirming of their queer child, more and more entire families exit with them. Generation Z grew up with queer friends and many cite the Church’s treatment of LGBTQIA+ people as a reason they are leaving the Church.

————————————————————

As society changes and becomes more accepting, the Church has to change how it treats its queer members. What was acceptable in the 1970′s is now looked at with horror and revulsion. Today’s parents would never subject their child to electrical shocks or induced nausea, how barbaric.

The changes the Church has made is in how it treats the gay member, not in how it views them nor in what it preaches about them. They’re still absent from God’s Plan, or as I prefer to put it, absent from the Church’s version of God’s Plan. Because the Church has not substantially changed how it views queer people, it’s going to continue to find how it treats queer people will fail. 

The Church treats queer members far better than it did in the past, but until it actually embraces queer members, listens to their voices and what they want, the Church will adjust, and adjust again. Not hating us is not enough, the Church must learn to love us. 

[nerdygaymormon]

A big step...then one goes backwards & the other forward

This past Christmas, I was at my brother’s home to celebrate. I was in the kitchen with my sister-in-law and she had started reading Richard Ostler’s book Listen, Learn and Love: Embracing LGBTQ Latter-day Saints. I was telling her about a message I’d received this Christmas morning from Richard Ostler, saying that when he was a YSA bishop and decided he should learn from LGBT LDS people about our viewpoint and our experience, that I was one of the first people he came across (the blog post that went viral), and I was one of the first Twitter accounts he followed. That I’ve influenced his thinking and his heart. It was a very nice message. 

My sister-in-law was still in chapter 1, and said she learned that what is required of her is to love, she doesn’t have to approve of a person’s choices. Love is what she’s asked to do. She can go to a gay wedding to show support for the people she loves without having to think of it as showing support for gay marriage, how that’s similar to attending the christening of a friend’s baby even though that’s against our religion. We were having a good conversation about the things she’d read. 

My mom heard us speaking and came over to say she had just come to the same conclusion after reading Becky Mackintosh’s book Love Loudly: Embracing Your LGBTQ Loved Ones And Your Faith. Frankly, I was shocked. Usually this is a subject she avoids because she thinks I'm ripping apart her eternal family and she wishes I'd go back in the closet and no one else ever know.

My mother & my sister-in-law started talking with each other about how they never realized this, they just have to love the gay people in their lives. 

That night, my mom sent me a text: “I love you and I am very glad you were sent to our family.” That’s the first time she’s said that since I came out. 

On December 26th she had a long drive planned to drop off some items. She asked me to come along and we listened to the audiobook of Charlie Bird’s book Without the Mask. 

This felt like a significant advancement in my relationship with my mother. 

I read the book by Becky Mackintosh that had affected her so much. I finished it on Dec 29th and that night I wrote my mom an email saying I feel like it’s time to her in on my life as a gay person. I’ve tried to make being a Mormon mom of a gay son as easy as possible, and usually that has meant keeping things from her. I then listed some important highlights from my life. 

Some of the highlights were important moments in figuring out who I am or of something said at school or church that wounded me deeply. Some of the highlights were providing additional parts to stories that she already knew about. And some important things in my life as relates to my faith and going to therapy. I finished the email with these words, “Two of the things people want is to be loved and to be included. I hope my family will always be a place where I’m loved and included. I’m sure I’ve given you a lot to think about. I hope it’s not too overwhelming to read all this at once.” 

I waited, wondering how she would respond. After a few days, I thought perhaps she doesn’t check that email address often or perhaps because it was the holidays she wasn’t checking her messages, so I mentioned I sent her an email. She indicated she’d received it. That’s it. That’s the only reaction I got. I hoped maybe she wanted a little time to reflect and choose what to say, but I received nothing. I felt like we moved back to where things had been before, which is my family ignores and doesn’t talk about things which are hard. To be honest, after having those 2 days where my mom seemed to be open to learning & listening about this part of who I am, I felt very sad that we’d gone back to this being an unmentionable thing. 

———————————————————— 

Why am I bringing up these moments from the end of December? This past weekend I was at my sister-in-law’s home and she shared with me that she’d finished reading Richard Ostler’s book. She also listened to a podcast episode I did with Richard. She said it was interesting to hear me speak my thoughts and share my experiences, things my family has never heard or only heard about in a truncated form. 

She spoke to me of how her understanding has changed. She previously accepted the Plan of Salvation is this great path for everyone, but learning the experiences of LGBTQ members, she gets that it’s incomplete and it’s no wonder that most LGBTQ members leave this church. She has only gotten a glimpse of the negative messages and the wounds the church heaps on queer members, and she can see that she was blind to this. She recognizes she has more to learn. 

She expressed her love for me and asked some questions and I shared some of my experiences with her. 

This is such a contrast from how my mother responded that it brought back those memories & feelings and I thought I should share as this is the place I write about my experience as a gay Mormon. Being unable to be authentic with my mother is part of this experience, as is a sister-in-law who loves me and wants to understand and is willing to learn difficult truths about the church she loves.

[nerdygaymormon]

Maybe you've answered this before, but why don't you just leave your church? Doesn't it bother you being part of something that rejects you? Don't you want love? I don't understand why gay people ever stay in that church.

I get these questions from time to time. Never sure what to make of them. I get that it’s unusual for a gay guy my age to still be part of church. I hope part of this is they like me and want me to be happier. But it also feels like they are looking down on me, idk.

I don’t have a short, simple answer, so strap in, it’s going to be a long ride.

1)   I was a teenager in the 1980’s. It is hard to be gay now, but it was so bad back then. Being gay was shameful. The 80′s was the AIDS crisis, so mostly what I heard about being gay was death. There were no legal protections, society was against us. Actively hostile, bigoted statements were common. My own dad told homophobic jokes to big laughs. Coming out looked like I’d be condemning myself to a terrible life and strip all the good things from me.

Also, with no role models, I was having to work through what it means to be gay. I also did manage to get ahold of a gay porn magazine (this is long before internet was a thing). I was crazy to think I could hide it. I shared a room with three brothers so no privacy. Despite my denials, my parents knew this was mine and they were so upset. My dad now tells me he wishes he sent me to conversion therapy once he learned I had this magazine. Can you imagine?

2)   I grew up believing in this church, which included the terrible things taught about me as a gay person. At age 19 when my bishop challenged me to pray about going on a mission, I instead prayed to know if God could possibly love me (which is really sad that a kid could grow up in church and not know that). I felt love radiate across my body as a voice in my ear said “You are not broken.” That experience sustained me for a long time

3)   I went on a mission in the 1990’s. If you haven’t been on a mission, it’s probably a surprise that it can be a relief. There’s no pressure to date. I could form close bonds with other men, and even though these are non-romantic relationships, they are intensely close.

4)   I was still in the closet when I went to the church schools in Rexburg & Provo. At the end of my first semester, my roommate came on to me and let me feel him up and stuff. I went to sleep thinking maybe the two of us could leave the church, transfer to a different school, say goodbye to my family and we could have a life together. It would be a huge sacrifice for both of us and I thought he felt the same, but the next morning he turned me in to our bishop. I thought I was going to get kicked out of school, be sent home in disgrace, maybe disciplined out of the church, but instead I was put on probation and had to stay the summer in Rexburg. I was heartbroken and swore off love and focused on school. At the end of the summer, to my surprise the bishop made me the elders quorum president.  

That first roommate, we were best friends. He is Bi and decided a life with a woman would be easier, and considering it was the 1990′s, he was correct. He left school a few days later, met a woman and got married. I hate how he ended things, but I don’t blame him for the future he chose for his life.

5)   BYU in Provo was my backup school, and reluctantly it’s where I transferred to. It turned out that I genuinely liked BYU with 2 exceptions, the severe restrictions the Honor Code placed on LGBT students (which was the same as at the Rexburg campus), and the fierceness with which the Honor Code Office sought to enforce those restrictions. Occasionally I’d hear rumors of sting operations they had done to catch gay students. There was this low-level fear always of getting caught whilst a student in Provo. My roommates also expressed their dislike of anything remotely gay. Even though I kept the rules, I didn’t dare tell anyone that I’m gay because the potential cost was high.

While at BYU I had a major faith crisis. I no longer believed a lot of the truth claims of the church, but I wasn’t about to lose all that tuition money. I stuck it out. So not only was I pretending to be straight, I also had to act as though nothing about church bothered me.

6)   The same voice that told me I am not broken would occasionally tell me that it’s okay to pursue relationships. It gave me great hope. I still get that message. Being a good Mormon, I thought this meant that somehow God was going to change the church. In the temple I’d hear that it’s not good for man to be alone and the law of chastity was presented in a way that could include me if I was married to a husband (the temple says no sex except “with your husband or wife to whom you’re legally and lawfully wedded”).

7)   After BYU, I should have come out and gotten on with life, but I didn’t. My first job was working for a Mormon boss. A landlord who is LDS gave me a deal on rent. Coming out seemed like it would disrupt my life in really negative ways. Plus YSA Wards were a source of friends and support network.

8)   In my 30’s I was no longer in YSA wards, and the world was getting better for gay people. The fight for gay marriage was in full swing, and so many of the people in my life were very opposed to it. It bothered me that the church was so opposed and fought gay marriage because in my head, it was a way for me to follow God’s promptings and pursue a relationship.

Being a Mormon is very much an identity. It’s hard to peel off. It’s my social network, it’s what much of family life revolves around, It’s a belief system and way of viewing the world. it’s a map of what one’s goals in life should be, and so on. Staying in the closet kept the rest of my world intact.

I know you’re thinking wtf, you’re a grown man, own your life!!! I grew up in an unstable family situation (we had many financial troubles and moved frequently), so I crave stability. Remaining in the closet and in the church were keys to maintaining that stability.

9)   Squashing all my romantic and sexual feelings also shuts down most other feelings. I spent most of my 20’s & 30’s feeling numb, like I was watching life but not a part of it. I spent those years wishing I was dead, that a bus would hit me or a major disease would strike. Those kinds of deaths would end my misery and also be okay for my family because they wouldn’t have to know I’m gay. I recognize now how messed up that is.

10)   The great source of happiness in those years was being an uncle. I’m the oldest of 7 children, my siblings had lots of babies born in those years. The joys of being an uncle only increased the pressure to stay in the closet and in the church because if I didn’t, my only source of happiness might be taken away.

11)   I finally reached the point where I was tired of going through the motions of having a life. I was ready to come out. Rather than make some grand announcement, I decided to be honest with anyone who asked about my life. When someone tried to set me up with their friend, I would ask if she had a brother. As these sorts of situations came up, I was coming out to people one by one.

I didn’t exactly “come out” to my family. I figured since my parents had found the gay porn mag when I was a teen, and then gay porn malware on the computer when I was college student, they probably already knew (and they did, but were in denial). Also, I thought coming out would be saying I’m not trustworthy and an awful person for having pretended to be something I wasn’t for so long (not true, but that’s how I thought of it).

12)   I’m such a late bloomer that I sometimes am embarrassed about it, especially now that so many people come out in their 20′s and even as teenagers. At the first Pride parade I attended, someone told me that we all come out when it’s right for us, and this was my time. I think that’s true.

13)   Most of my adult life in church was being pianist in Primary. Shortly after I started telling people I’m gay is when I was called to be in the stake young men presidency. My stake president says he looked over at me playing piano one day and thought, “that man has much more to offer.” I wonder if it’s because I was more confident, my identities were less in conflict than they’d been in the past, I wasn’t afraid and hiding.

As stake young men president, I made sure I knew by name and something about every youth in the stake. I wanted them to know they were seen, they were heard, they were loved. Teens go through such hard things and I wanted to be a kind, supportive person in their life. Most youth don’t know who the stake youth leaders are, but they all knew me. Several told me about hard things in their life and some even came out to me. Parents of gay teens would come speak to me and I’d let them know life in church is hard and unfair, ways they could help support their teen, and prepared them that their child’s likely path would be out of the church. I felt like I bloomed in this calling and made a difference.

14)   In 2015 marriage became legal for same-sex couples across the USA due to a Supreme Court ruling. I thought that finally the church would have to come to terms with it and accept it. But then came the November policy banning the children of gay couples from being members. It felt like a punch in the gut and I nearly walked away. I was still stake young men president and weighed whether the difference I made in this calling was worth putting up with how church clearly didn’t want me. 

15)   To help my parents buy a house, I had a bunch of their debt put into my name and I lived in the house with them. At the time it seemed a good way to avoid the loneliness of being on my own. But living with them also made walking away from the church tricky.

16)   A month later I hit the 3-year mark of serving in the stake young men’s program, I was released from that and called to be stake executive secretary. My stake president told me that anyone can make appointments, but he wanted my unique viewpoint in all the highest councils of the stake. In this calling I occasionally meet general authorities and I speak with them about being gay in the church. My stake President recently joked that he has twice been a counselor in a stake presidency and now is a stake president, and in those years he’s met many general authorities, yet I have way more impact on them than he ever has.

17)   Shortly after getting this new calling, in 2016 I started my tumblr blog. Eventually I used the blog as a way to examine, explore and record what it’s like to be gay in the LDS church. In some ways this blog is one giant pep talk to myself.

18)   In 2017 my blog exploded, one of my posts went viral. It’s almost like God got tired of waiting on me, now I was out to everyone who knows me, and many more.

All of a sudden I had so many hurting Mormon LGBT people contacting me, most were teens and twenty-something’s. I’ve tried to help them, to affirm them. In many ways it feels like the years as stake young men president working with teens, the years I spent developing a spiritual independence, the studying & thinking about how being gay can work with the gospel, the fears & worries that are part of being in the closet, all of that prepared me for this.

19)   Later in 2017 my mental health dived. I became suicidal. I started therapy. I finally had to face how harmed I’ve been by my time in church. I also had to admit I will never be enough in this church, I can never reach the goals & purpose of life as laid out by the church,. My therapist helped me see that I need another framework for what a successful life looks like and what would make for a joyful life.

In 2018 I was still in therapy and was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, which partly explains why coming out and leaving the church were so difficult. The major driving motivation of this disorder is wanting to not disappoint people.

20)   My therapist says I feel things more deeply than most people, but because I’d pushed down my feelings so long, it’s actually a bit scary to feel so much. I also started dating and trying to get gay friends. These sorts of big changes were hard for me. The psychologist said, in an amused tone, that I fully examine a path before I’m willing to take a step down it, meaning I’m cautious and slow to get going, but am certain when I begin of where I’m going.

21)   Some of my family openly embraces me as gay and loves me no matter what. Some make their love and access to their children conditional on my being in church.

22)   I thought 2018 would be the year I leave the church. There’s a personal reason I haven’t; I feel there’s one more thing to do, a friend whom I can help. That I came ahead to pave the way for this friend.

I know this all sounds crazy, talking about a voice telling me it’s okay to have gay relationships or that I have some missions in life to accomplish. That’s part of faith, I guess.

23)   It’s unfair to say I’m still attending church for my friend. First, I don’t want him to feel any pressure. Second, it’s my decision, not his. I also am working on paying off debt so I can more easily live on my own, I’ve joined Affirmation and met a lot of LGBT Mormons/post-Mormons and feel like there’s something of a potential support group/friendships there. I’m thinking of changing jobs, even moving to a different university. In other words, I’m laying the groundwork to make any shift more smooth. Whether I take a breather from church or not, these are good things to do.

24)   I’m in my 40′s and can see that in some important ways I’ve lived a stunted life. But I’m also able to use my voice to speak up for LGBT individuals inside the church, to try to make this little corner of church kinder and more receptive.

25)   I can’t even imagine what you’re thinking of me. A hypocrite, someone who stays with an organization that contributed to my own mental health crisis. Someone too afraid to live. I can’t undo my past and all that lost time. I’ve made a lot of progress and am moving forward. I also believe and hope that things I share on this blog and things I say in my local church help LGBT members.

Maybe you can understand, maybe you can’t, why my life went so differently from yours. I’m certain you won’t agree with a number of decisions I made, but they were mine to make and they explain where I’m at now.

[nerdygaymormon]

Hey, have you read Autoboyography by Christina Lauren? It's an LDS queer romance young adult story. It's respectful of the church and well written in my opinion. I think you might enjoy it.

In 2018, an anon ask recommended Autboyography. I read it, love it, and hope every gay Mormon reads it. 

Here’s some excerpts from the best review of Autoboyography

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Autoboyography, by Christina Lauren, is the story of Tanner and Sebastian. Tanner, a bisexual non-Mormon newly closeted by the ultra-conservative culture of Provo, UT, falls in love with Sebastian, the gay, closeted even to himself, son of a Mormon bishop. “Sebastian’s identity isn’t queer,” says Tanner. “It’s not gay. It’s not even soccer player or boyfriend or son. It’s Mormon.” Things the book got right: 1) The description of BYU. Tanner says BYU is “a lot of long skirts and modest shirts, straight trimmed hair and genuine smiles.” He is dumfounded when someone playing Frisbee actually says, “Gosh darn it!” And then says “BYU is exactly like I imagined.” I mean. I laughed. So hard. 2) When Sebastian says he’s not gay. How can someone admit to being exclusively interested in boys, but not, as Sebastian says, “Not… that?” I have known since I was a teenage student at BYU that I had an annoying habit of falling in love with women. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties I was even willing to speak a name to it. 3) Sebastian’s angst. Maybe people will find Sebastian’s angst unbelievable. If anything, I think he didn’t have enough of it. 4) The part in the acknowledgements where they talked about “teen after teen who honestly believed, devastatingly, that their parents would probably rather have a dead child than a gay one.” This is not just something the teens believe. It is something that is true. I have heard so many parents (who may or may not have known whether they had a queer child) explicitly say: It would be easier to have a dead child than a gay child. Things the Book Got Wrong 1) Little Things Most of the things the book got wrong were little things, really. Orem is many things, but it is not quieter than Provo. It is called The Honor Code, not A Honor Code at BYU. Mission interviews are not with the missionaries. There were several little things like that. Honestly, I’m more surprised at how much the book got right than how much it got wrong. The authors clearly talked to actual Mormons and did research beyond internet searches. I was most impressed by the subtext they got right. So much of Mormonism happens in the subtext. Mormons are polite, as the authors point out. They do not say the things they think, they are pathologically incapable of being overtly mean. The text conveyed this well. 2) Sebastian had not nearly enough fear of getting in trouble at BYU As a BYU student I was utterly terrified someone would think I was queer. Even being queer was forbidden when I was a student. Today being queer won’t get you in trouble, but doing anything—anything—that could remotely be considered “acting on it” could be grounds for expulsion. 3) Sebastian generally has too easy of a time with the physical affection Doing anything more than kissing before you’re married—even if you are a hetero Mormon couple—is something that would require a lengthy repentance process and a confession to the bishop. With Sebastian’s background, he came to the conclusion that it was OK faster than I think someone with his background would have. And so… I want queer young Mormons reading this to hear Sebastian’s truth. Even if I can’t fully accept it as 100% believable. Because I want them to understand what Tanner understands: “A God worthy of your eternal love wouldn’t judge for who you love.” 4) The immediate sense of hope Queer Mormons with families like Sebastian’s go on their missions. They enter their mixed orientation marriages. They do not tell their parents they are gay. They struggle for years with the loneliness and despair that comes from denying such an essential part of themselves. I personally know dozens of people who underwent “conversion therapy.” I personally know people who have died. The reality for most queer Mormons is much bleaker and much more heartbreaking than the hopeful ending of this book makes it seem. And I loved that. And so I don’t actually want this part of the book to be different. It may not be accurate. But it is necessary. Because I want young people who read it to know and understand that they are lovely, that happy endings are possible, that there is a way out that does not involve death. The things this book got “wrong” are part of what makes the book beautiful.

[nerdygaymormon]

I desperately need advice about my 16 yo daughter who has stopped "believing in the Church" because she has "decided to be lesbian".

It’s unlikely your daughter “decided to be lesbian” but instead she’s describing her feelings and how the world works for her. There’s not a “fix” for this because she is not broken.

Maybe she stopped “believing in the Church” because she doesn’t see a future for her there or because of the way people in her situation are spoken about.

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My advice is first to read these 10 tips for parents on the church’s website. Tip #1 is “You will never regret saying ‘I love you.’“

Your job is to be the parent your child needs and to love them and prepare them for the world.

Your daughter experiences the world in wonderful ways. Studies show that LGBT people tend to be more creative, have higher IQ’s, higher emotional intelligence, have more compassion, are more cooperative and have less hostility. Does any of that sound like your daughter?

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Now that she’s out, you’ll think of past conversations or comments you made and realize how those could have hurt her. It’s not too late to apologize. You’ll probably think of different things she’s said and done and understand them in a whole new way. You’ll see her orientation has always been there.

You’re going to have to change your hopes and expectations for her future. I know parents have dreams and putting them away can invoke feelings of loss. That’s okay. Spend time listening to her hopes for the future, where she wants to go and what she feels is her path and help her find ways to achieve those dreams. 

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An important role for parents is being your child’s advocate and protector. Speak up when you hear homophobic things. Even if it’s “Hey, these are real people you’re talking about and that was unkind.”

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For gay Mormons, the normal path is to come out and then quickly leave the Church, and there’s good reason for that. A recent study showed the more religious and involved in church a teen is, the likelihood of their attempting suicide drops significantly UNLESS they’re LGBT, in which case increased church involvement has the opposite effect.

You should familiarize yourself with the warning signs of suicide. In the United States nearly 1/3 of gay teens have attempted suicide. Also know that LGBT individuals are more likely to be the victims of bullying and violence than any other minority group in the United States.

Studies show that for gay members, being active in the LDS Church results in a lower quality of life and lower self-esteem, higher rates of depression, sexual identity crisis, internalized homophobia and 70% of these members have symptoms of PTSD. Finding an LGBTQ-positive therapist, counselor or psychologist can help in dealing with these things.

I know it’s hard to hear that the church you love and believe in can be harmful to your daughter. Try imagining the experience of church from her perspective. Take away all the blessings and happiness related to romance and families since the church says they’re forbidden for her. Add in the many negative messages that she’s received over the years.

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If you require your daughter to attend church, talk with her about how the other youth will treat her when they learn she’s a lesbian and ways she could respond. Does your congregation seem like it would be welcoming and affirming when they find out? At a minimum, consider letting her take a pass when the lesson or activity deals with dating, marriage, eternal family or the Family Proclamation.

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Church can be a stressful place, but home should be a safe space. Your daughter should know you love her and always will. Know that you will support her as she seeks for happiness and peace.

If/when your daughter stops attending church, you’re going to feel a little lost. What values and rules still apply, what things will you let slide? Do the Church rules about modesty, Word of Wisdom, or dating & relationships still apply? There’s more than one way to live a value, be willing to negotiate and give her more control of her life as she continues to mature.

My observation is that strict parents who always enforce LDS rules in the home have a worse relationship with their LGBT child than those who are more lenient. The goal is for her to grow up healthy & whole and for your relationship to stay intact.

You still have an important role as a mentor and advisor and can let her know your views and share your perspective. She will hear you, she will also make choices you may not agree with.I know it’ll be an adjustment for you giving her some autonomy to make choices you don’t want her making.

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If she does leave the church, continue to invite her to important family events, let her decide whether she wants to attend the ones of a religious nature. Baptisms, mission farewells and weddings are important milestones in a person’s life, and she may want to be present to celebrate with those who are experiencing these moments.

Be supportive and encouraging of the important moments in her life, even if they’re at odds with what our church teaches. Please don’t wonder if this will show you’re “endorsing” things you don’t believe in, once you pull out that sword of righteousness it can be used to sever and kill relationships. I know that change is uncomfortable and will be tough, but it’s necessary.

You shouldn’t assume your daughter will live a life without relationships. Frankly, that’s not healthy. Parents should want their children to grow up having positive attitude towards sex and relationships, for your daughter that will be different from your experience.

She knows church is part of your life and it’s fine to talk about it a bit, but if she’s stopped going to church, don’t go on for hours about random happenings in your ward. 

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Perhaps you wrote me because you know I’ve done my best to live the church standards, but it has come at a high price. It’s nearly killed me, literally. I hope parents & leaders don’t point at me and tell other gay members they can be like me. People who say this don’t know what sort of misery they’re wishing on their loved one. If an LGBT member chooses to walk a path inside the church, then I’d be happy to talk with them about ways of trying to make it work.

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Often it feels like the church doesn’t know what to do with people like me and your daughter. God has a plan for her life. We weren’t sent here to suffer for no reason. This life isn’t meant to be meaningless as we wait for the next life to obtain the blessings that all the straight people are allowed to access now.

The more I learn, the more I’m convinced that we’re all going to be taken care of. We’re going to be surprised how many people make it to the Celestial Kingdom. Our Heavenly Parents are more liberal and loving than we imagine. God intends for us to fully live life with these orientations, for this to be a blessing and not a curse or burden.

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When you hear something at church that troubles you, ask these three questions:

     1)  Does that sound like your daughter, does she resemble that remark?

     2)  Is this consistent with the God you know?

     3)  Does this fit with the great commandment to love one another?

I bet most of the things which trouble you will fail these questions, it’s a way to gain greater understanding and hope.

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I know this is already a very lengthy reply, but I’m going to make it even longer by listing some resources I hope you find helpful

1)  I already referenced the Ten Tips for Parents on the church’s site

2)  Richard Ostler is a former bishop and a current temple worker. He strives to increase understanding among members about LGBTQ topics. I recommend his Facebook posts which can be found on his Listen, Learn & Love website

3)  I think the Family Acceptance Project’s pamphlet for LDS families is excellent

4)  The Human Rights Campaign has an online booklet for LGBT Mormons 

5)  This TedTalk speaks about some of the reasons why Nature creates homosexuals, and some of the differences in people who are LGBT compared to the rest of the population. It references numerous scientific studies but explains them in layman’s terms

6)  Dr. Bill Bradshaw is a BYU researcher/professor and former mission president. He put together a document that summarizes a lot of research that shows LGBTQ orientations are biologic, not a choice or caused by parenting or cultural influences

7)  Bryce Cook put together the BEST write up I’ve seen about the LDS church’s history on homosexuality while explaining what this is like for gay Mormons

8)  Taylor Petrey is a professor who in this article gives many things to think about regarding gays & lesbians and Mormonism. He writes like an academic, but is so thought provoking

9)  Greg Prince has a book coming out next year, until then this address he gave at an Affirmation Conference will have to suffice, I find it very insightful

10)  This is an easy-to-follow explanation of why temple sealings for gay couples makes sense

11)   Josh & Lolly Weed are the most famous example of a gay Mormon man and a straight Mormon woman in a mixed-orientation marriage. They have been very open about their experiences. This post in which they announced their divorce is very illuminating

12)  This is a listing of all sorts of queer people and relationships in Church history (we’ve been a part of the Church since the beginning)

13)  Gay Mormon History is a site that lets people explore the history of LGBT issues in the LDS Church

14)  Carol Lynn Pearson is a Mormon who was married to a gay man. You may be familiar with some of her work like My Turn On Earth. She has written several books I recommend: Goodbye, I Love You; No More Goodbyes; and The Hero’s Journey of Gay and Lesbian Mormons

15)  Tom Christofferson, brother of the apostle D Todd Christofferson, is a gay man who came back to church and wrote a book titled That We May Be One: A Gay Mormon’s Perspective on Faith and Family 

16)  Mama Dragons is for moms of LGBTQIA kids, their purpose is to support healthy lives

17)  Affirmation is the oldest organization for LDS & post-LDS LGBTQ+ individuals, their family and allies. Affirmation has multiple Facebook pages for different situations. The one that’s probably best for you at this moment is Affirmation Living Waters. It’s for active LDS LGBT people, parents, family & friends

18)  People are always going to bring up the scriptures as a way to condemn homosexuality. You should spend time investigating those verses (there’s relatively few of them). If you want, you can see some summaries I’ve posted by searching #queer people in the Bible on Tumblr (this link seems to pull up all my related posts on the phone and just a few of them on my computer)

[nerdygaymormon]

The Payne Papers, aka Prologue

In Spring 1977, in a Beginning Psychology class at BYU, Dr. Reed Payne gave an anti-gay lecture. Cloy Jenkins, a gay man, was in attendance and unhappy at what was said. 

Because of the anti-homosexual climate in the church and on campus, Cloy felt that he couldn’t speak up and counter the statements made on the subject, so he decided to write a reply. 

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Howard Salisbury was a gay Ricks College professor that Cloy met while still a teenager and someone Cloy consulted with on the response. 

I don’t know how Cloy Reed was put in touch with gay BYU professor Lee Williams, but this professor also contributed to the paper, and more importantly, he reviewed it with "skillful criticism” and was the main editor of the 52 page work. Lee Williams’ brother also contributed, Jeff Williams was a gay Ricks College professor. 

The response countered Dr. Payne’s assertion that homosexuality is a pathological condition and explained what it’s like to be gay and Mormon. They argued that homosexuality cannot be cured. Instead it is a state of being and not a chosen pattern of behavior. Those who claim to be cured might have experienced a modification in their sexual behavior but not in their orientation. 

They called this “The Payne Papers” and printed up some copies (without their names on it, they remained anonymous) and shared with family and friends, who also shared it with others. 

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What happened next is incredible. 

Later that summer, Ken Kline, a gay activist in Salt Lake City, was given a copy of the papers. He decided to publish them as an anonymous pamphlet and asked BYU student Donald Attridge to do a pencil sketch of the BYU campus for the cover artwork. 

Ken knew a gay man who worked in the church office building’s mail room. Through him, the pamphlet was distributed into the mail of all General Authorities. Copies of the pamphlet were mailed to local TV and radio stations. The pamphlet also was distributed to most of the faculty at BYU and Ricks College (probably with the aid of “The Payne Papers” authors from those campuses). Having a pamphlet with a cover of BYU and distributed to all these faculty and GA’s made it seem it was a BYU publication and had been church approved. Needless to say, LDS leaders were upset. 

Ken Kline also owned The Open Door, which was Salt Lake’s gay newpaper. The paper began the serialization (printing part of them each week) of The Payne Papers, which meant the arguments were out there for all to read.  

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I won’t go into all the ways the LDS Church sought to counter the arguments made in “The Payne Papers,” but after several weak attempts, Elder Boyd K. Packer refuted the basic premise of the Payne Papers in a 1978 address at BYU, telling the 12-stake fireside that homosexuality is a curable problem. His remarks were then published as the pamphlet To The One.

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Affirmation: Gay and Lesbian Mormons acquired the rights to “The Payne Papers” and republished it under the new title “Prologue.”

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This was a serious attempt to strip away the ignorance and prejudice that resulted in the pain, suffering and tragic deaths of many gay Mormon youth. It was the first major pushback against the narrative that Spencer Kimball had been giving for decades on the subject of homosexuality and it really shook a lot of leaders.  

Here’s a link if you’d like to read it in its entirety, and below I put some quotes from the pamphlet. 

Cloy Jenkins still lives, he resides in Maui with his partner. 

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“No one knows what causes homosexuality. However, we do know one thing that does not cause homosexuality and that is free choice. Until the cause or causes are known it is grossly inappropriate to moralize about it.”

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“One does not choose to be homosexual. The concept of choice, implicit in your lecture, is the beginning of a fundamental misunderstanding of homosexuality. Not once in all of my investigation have I known anyone who seriously said he chose to be homosexual. Most homosexuals have at some time chosen not to be homosexual, some repeatedly, only to discover that in spite of their determination, they remained homosexual.”

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“Rather than choice, the growing child comes to a realization of who he is sexually. Self-awareness should not be mistaken for conscious choice. For a psychologist, this distinction, which you appear to be confused about, should be embarrassingly elemental.”

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“I know of many homosexuals who have married and have children. In not one single case has it changed their homosexuality. This kind of “appetitional” sexual reconditioning therapy is not only simplistic but immoral since it toys with the deep affections and emotional well-being of another person. Marriage is the rug under which the Brethren encourage many men to sweep their homosexuality.”

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“Recommending to the homosexual that he abstain from the sexual expression of who he is has far-reaching consequences. It cuts him off from the only real possibility open to him to experience love. The more frightening fact is that it unquestionably condemns him to a life of loneliness which cannot and is not ministered to by any facet of the Church or society. No amount of temple going, priesthood meetings, home teaching, or special interest activity will ease the loneliness. This can only be realized through a mature loving intimacy.”

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“One of the more singularly striking facts is that in the entire Book of Mormon and the other modern scriptures there is not one single reference to homosexuality. These scriptures contain the “fullness of the Gospel” and all the essential commandments for the Saints, and yet the subject of homosexuality is conspicuously absent. To my knowledge, Joseph Smith never mentioned the subject. From The Teachings of Joseph Smith: “When we lie down, we contemplate how we may rise in the morning; and it is pleasing for friends to lie down together, locked in the arms of love, to sleep and awake in each other’s embrace and renew their conversation.”(p. 295)” 

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“Statistical studies show that an extremely low percentage of homosexuals engage in child molesting. Far and away the greatest occurrence of child molesting is by heterosexuals on young girls, not by homosexuals on young boys. Like heterosexuals, homosexuals typically prefer a partner close to their own age and in a relationship that is mutually expressive of the affection for and interest in the other person. One of the main reasons for outlawing homosexuality in the past has been this child molesting concern as reflected in the emotional campaign now under way to “Save Our Children�� (from homosexuality). By the same logic, should not heterosexuality be outlawed since heterosexual child molesting occurs much more frequently?”

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“Excommunication, of course, cuts off and punishes individuals who violate the code of sexual conduct of the Church, but it has never cured one single case of homosexuality. The Church knows only that the member must comply with the program or be judged and punished.”

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“Excommunication is actually an easy way out for the Church...For the Church, it makes it easier to deny the stark reality of the member’s experience. The Church no longer has to be troubled with a life that will not conform to the program and perplexing emotions that are counter to what is “supposed to be”. In a very crucial way, excommunication is an official denial of existence...I have watched the Church take action against a number of homosexuals, and nothing but damage and destruction has come of the action. You would know as a psychologist, that if you persist loud enough in telling a person that he is bad, it will begin to have serious negative effects on him, especially if he comes to believe you.The Church does feel justified in its position about the immorality of homosexuality. But it also has an obligation to help, not destroy its members, even those who violate its standards.”

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“Should bishops and branch presidents be asking questions in those interviews if they are unprepared to responsibly deal with the answers? Should we be prying into the private lives of our youths to the extent of their learning of homosexuality and masturbation in their interviews with the bishop?”