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Ep. 4 Transcript

Ep. 4 Transcript: Alpine Escape — Chapter 4

Begin:

Sophie: Previously on “Dungeons & Queers”...

[RECAP WITH MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND]

Sophie: The villagers had been rescued and had gone down that path; basically, there’s a local village that some of them have heard of called Northpass Haven… It’s famed as being attacked by orcs and stuff like that and surviving.

With little protective outerwear, these former prisoners move slowly and begin to falter in the face of the relentless mountains. Allow the group to stop and find shelter for the night and risk losing the head start you achieved, or you can continue on and risk the deaths of some of the older and younger villagers due to exposure and cold.

Mara: We are sending the stronger people ahead and we are staying back with the people who are not doing quite as well.

Sophie: He pulls out this large gold coin.

Kenway: This was my dad’s. He gave it to me before he died, and he told me that as long as I had it, it would keep me safe.

Sophie: In your restless dreams that night, Lazza, you hear voices whispering. You hear one voice in particular that’s like [HARSHLY] “Trust the harper!” And you wake up with a start.

Lazza: What the hell is a harper?!

[END RECAP]

Announcer: This show is part of the trans podcaster visibility initiative.

[THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Okay! Alright, so, you wake up the next day, very early in the morning, and you get moving with the sound of orc horns in the distance.

Joe: [SOFTLY] Shiiiiiet…

Sophie: You run down the side of the mountain as midday breaks, eventually abandoning the bare rocky cliffs for the cover of an alpine forest. Soon, two orcs appear, running quickly and gaining on you. The party— er, the villagers continue on as you fall back to take out the pursuers. Let’s roll some initiative!

Credence: [IN A SILLY VOICE] HELL YEAH!~

[DICE ARE ROLLED THREE TIMES]

Mara: That is . . . 18.

Credence: Ja boi got 21!

Sophie: Jeez.

Joe: [SINGSONG] Nice!

Sophie: Okay, hold on. So...that’s not how you spell “orc.”

Credence: [laughing] It’s three letters!

Sophie: It is, and I mixed two of ‘em up.

Credence: “Ocr!”

Joe: Language is fluid and always creative. Do it how you like.

Sophie: And what did you get?

Joe: I got 13.

Sophie: Okay… Couldn’t remember what your character’s name was, even though I helped you pick it … Okay! First in the order is Lazza.

Joe: Hell yes.

Credence: Okay, and so, we’ve got two attackers?

Sophie: Yep, they’re scouts. So they’re much faster than the rest.

Credence: Okay, so we’re probably gonna have more coming up?

Sophie: If ya hang around…~

Credence: I’m going to… Or, Lazza is going to… We’ll have her have her shield out, so she’s got her shield and then her battle axe. I’m going to use Reckless Attack, so “on the first attack of my turn, I can use this to gain an advantage on all my melee attacks for the rest of my turn; attack rolls against me have advantage until my next turn.”

Sophie: Okay.

Credence: So what do these boys look like? Is one of them carrying a battle axe? Is… What are the weapons that they’re holding? I wanna know who’s gonna be dealing the most damage.

Sophie: Okay! Make a perception check.

Credence: [MUTTERING TO SELF] Of course. [NORMAL VOICE] Let’s see . . . that would be a 12.

Sophie: They are both carrying great axes.

Credence: Like, big axes?

Sophie: Yeah, great axes, like two-handed axes.

Credence: Okay

Joe: [QUIETLY] Fun.

Credence: [RESIGNED] Alright, I’ll go for the one on the left, I guess. And I get advantage on attack rolls, so that’s good… One-handed battle axe here, so… [ROLLS DICE] Ooh! I gotcha a 20!

Sophie: Natural 20?

Credence: Natch 20!

Joe: Oh, heck yes!

[GROUP TRIUMPHANTLY HUMS/SINGS IN THE BACKGROUND]

Joe: Airhorn! Airhorn!~

Credence: So I roll 1d8 plus 4? And then…

Sophie: And then another d8. You roll 2d8 plus 4.

Credence: Okay, excellent. [MUMBLING TO SELF] That is not a d8, that is a d10. [ROLLS DICE] First one was a 5, second one was a 2, so I got...7 + 4… 11 damage.

Sophie: Okay, you just totally leap in and just kind of sink the axe into this thing’s chest, and it is not down, but it is bloodied. How much damage did you say you did?

Credence: 11.

Sophie: 11? Okay, yeah, it is about to give up the ghost already. That was a good attack. Next in the order is the orc that you didn’t attack.

[CHORUS OF “OOH” AND “UH-OH”]

Sophie: He is going to run over and make an attack against you.

[DICE ROLL]

Credence: Lazza?

Sophie: Yeah, Lazza. 13 versus AC? Oh, with advantage, pardon me.

Credence: Yeah, you do get advantage.

Sophie: Oh. No, it’s still 13 versus AC.

Credence: Not gonna do it. Ya girl here, Lazza, has an armor class 18.

Sophie: Wow

Mara: Dayum!

Joe: Woaaah! Nice!

Sophie: It’s ‘cause she’s not wearing any armor, so she gets to wear her — ‘cause she’s a barbarian, she gets to use her constitution.

[MORE AWED CROSSTALK]

Joe: Oooh sheeit . . . That’s bad as hell.

Credence: I get dex and my constitution, plus I’ve got my shield out, so… Got 18.

Sophie: I think you catch this thing’s attack on your shield, probably. Okay, next in the order is Ellywick.

Mara: Um, okay. I’m going to attack the one that is worse off with a longsword. [ROLLS DICE] I don’t suppose 11 does it, huh?

Sophie: Nope.

Mara: Okay, as a bonus action, though… They are going to cast Vicious Mockery.

Sophie: Is that a cantrip?

Mara: Yes.

Sophie: Okay.

Ellywick: So ah, what’re you gonna do for a face when the monkey wants his ass back?

[GROUP CACKLING AND CROSSTALK]

Credence: Jesus

Mara: And our friend over here needs to make a wisdom-saving throw.

Sophie: Oookay [ROLLS DICE]

Credence: Definitely the strong suite of all of this

Sophie: [DISAPPOINTED] Ooh! Ooooooh! That is gonna be a 4.

Mara: And that doesn’t cut it. So 1d4 psychic damage, or…?

Sophie: Uh . . . you were doing that against the wounded orc?

Mara: Yes.

Sophie: Your mockery actually kills it!

[CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

Mara: YEEES!!!

Joe: Oh my gooood!

Sophie: Much to Lazza’s horror!

Credence: Lazza’s just like… Lazza’s at first laughing, ‘cause it’s great, right, but just like —

Lazza: Heheheh— WHAT THE FUCK?!

Sophie: Like, you literally say, “What’re you gonna do for a face when the monkey wants its ass back?” and its eyes roll in the back of its head and it keels over, dead.

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: Yeah, Lazza takes a sidestep away from Ellywick…

[SNORTING]

Sophie: Ah, well, that orc is out of initiative now.

Joe: Jesus.

Sophie: Oh boy. Next in the order is Defiance.

Joe: Alright. I’ll step on over to the other orc, then, and make an attack. I’m gonna use my warhammer one-handed. [ROLLS DICE]

Sophie: Can you use a warhammer one-handed?

Joe: Yup. It’s versatile, so you can use it one- or two-handed. Uh… Does 12 hit?

Sophie: Nope.

Joe: Dicks. Alright.

Sophie: Okay, next in the order is Lazza.

Credence: Okay! Um… So Reckless Attack has ended now. I don’t know how many times I can use that, actually… hold on

Sophie: I should not have made you guys level 2. I was just so worried that this was gonna be so tough and that y’all weren’t gonna be able to handle it, and like, I don’t think y’all have even taken damage yet in this fucking campaign.

Joe: Just wait though, I’m sure we’re gonna find some orc raiding party and be like, “Oh shit!”

Sophie: “When you make your first attack on your turn, you can attack recklessly…” Yup, yup, that’s fine. You can do that! You can just do that every time if you want.

Credence: Yeah, I… I mean, I don’t get bonus attacks yet. So… Yup, alright, so we’ll do Reckless Attack again and I’ll be doing one-handed battle axe again. [ROLLS DICE] Ja boi just got another crit!

Joe: Oh heck yeah!

Credence: Hell yeah!

Mara: [LAUGHING]

Credence: ‘Nother 20! Fuck yeah! Oh, what a day! Oh!

Sophie: [DEEP SIGH] Y’all are really trivializing this fight…

Mara: We’re just rollin’ well!

Joe: I dunno, but I haven’t hit anything yet

Credence: Yeah! ‘Cause we’re damn good! ‘Cause Lazza knows how to kill shit!

Sophie: No, I think it’s because Quinn has a dice with twenty 20s on it.

Credence: No, Quinn just got lucky! Do you remember how bad I was rolling last week? Er, last record?

Mara: That’s true.

Credence: It was shit! It was terri-bad! [ROLLS DICE] Ooh, 7! And… [ROLLS DICE] 8! Oh! So 15 + 4 is 19!

[CHORUS OF “OOHS”]

Mara: Kill ‘em

Credence: Do I get it? Did I kill it?!

Sophie: It is still up…

[DISBELIEVING CROSSTALK]

Sophie: It is still very much on its, uh . .. on its last leg.

Credence: Okay, wait, did you just up the challenge of this dude mid-fight?!

Sophie: No! I would never do that!

Credence: [IN DISBELIEF] “Never”?

Mara: “Never”!

Credence: But you are going to have to describe to me how cool it looks doing 19 damage on this fucker.

Sophie: I think that, actually, y’all have never played Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance, but there’s this class in there actually called “berserker,” which is their barbarian, and when they get a crit, they actually like hold their axe out at their side and just spin around a ton, and then leap up into the air and come crashing down on a foe, and I think that’s definitely what happened here.

Joe: Nice bit of acrobatics.

Sophie: Yeah

Credence: I am proficient!

Sophie: Yeah

Joe: Oh wow, really?

Sophie: Well, that orc that you maimed severely is going to make an attack on you with advantage. [ROLLS DICE] Oof-a-doof-a. Uh…[ROLLS DICE] Yup! That’ll, that’ll do it.19 + 3, 22?

Credence: Alright, that hits.

Sophie: Okay. [ROLLS DICE] 12 damage.

Mara: Owie.

Credence: Eh, I got 27 hit points.

Sophie: I should’ve made you guys level 1. This is ridiculous.

Mara: Alright, so my turn? Um… We’re just gonna go right out of it with the Vicious Mockery.

Joe: Christ on a cracker.

Mara: Yup, Yeah And… So, our dear Ellywick says…

Ellywick: Hey, wait, wait! Before ya die here, I was just wondering, what did you want us to put on your headstone?

Sophie: Mm, that one wasn’t as good.

Mara: No. [ROLLS DICE, LAUGHS] That doesn’t do it.

Sophie: Does a 6 save?

Mara: Nooope. Not against 13! [ROLLS DICE] And another 4.

Sophie: Another 4, god damn it! Okay, yeah, its eyes roll in the back of its head and it fucking dies.

[CACKLING FROM PLAYERS]

Joe: I think even Defiance looks at Ellywick like, “What the fuck?”

Mara: And Ellywick has a big grin on their face, just like, “Did I do a good job?”

Sophie: [SIGHING] Yeah, you did fine.

[LAUGHING AND CROSSTALK]

Mara: And god siiighs.

Lazza: Okay...did you just kill that guy with a bad… That wasn’t even… How did you… MAGIC IS FUCKED UP. Why can’t you just stab a guy?!

Ellywick: I mean… I mean I CAN. I can do both. But like, one of those is a physical injury, but one of those is a mental injury, and I find those are much harder to get over, don’t you?

Lazza: Don’t...talk to me.

[LAUGHING]

Credence: So are we seeing more orcs approaching slash do we see if our party of weak folks is getting away nicely?

Mara: Sophie is so upset right now. Oh, honeeeey… She’s just real sad that we killed her playthings.

Sophie: No, I’m fine! Y’all didn’t even bust out any spell slots or anything. It’s fine.

[LAUGHING]

Joe: I mean arguably, I’m gonna have to to uh . . .

Credence: You definitely - I definitely wanna be healed, like, 12 damage was kind of a big hit.

Joe: Right

Sophie: Okay, if you wanna resolve that now you can do that.

Credence: Right but like, what’s the immediacy of our situation?

Sophie: The immediate situation . . . You hear orc horns pretty far off in the distance. These scouts have gone way far ahead . . . Uh Probably farther than was wise. Because they were really sure that they could just kill a bunch of unarmed villagers. Ya know

Mara: They got dead though. Sophie: Yeah. Um they got viciously mocked -

Mara: [LAUGHING] To death

Sophie:- and attacked to the max.

Sophie: [INFOMERCIAL TONE] Hi. We’re having fun here, but we’re gonna talk about something serious quick. Millions of orcs every year are viciously mocked to death by bards. For just pennies a day, your contribution can go to therapy to help them recover the psychic damage that typically kills them when they’re not prepared to deal with the consequences.

Credence: Are you kidding?! Like . . . Lazza’s definitely gonna need therapy

Sophie: For just pennies a day folks.

[SINGING] In the arms of an angel

Credence: Oh boy. Oh boy. Okay. Sooo . . . They’re pretty far off. How are our villagers doing? Are they gettin’ along okay?

Sophie: Yeah, they’re like cheering for you.They didn’t get very far because y’all handled this fight very quickly. So I think they wait for you to catch up. Ya know they were - Joe: Do they get like a morale boost?

Sophie: I’ll actually say that because I don’t wanna . . . I’m not gonna make a habit of rewarding you when you break my game. But because that was such good podcasting, I’m gonna give Ellywick a point of inspiration.

Mara: HELL YEAH!

Credence: [DEJECTED] Oh. Okay

Sophie: Just for ending /both/ of them just with the same cantrip, and rolling 2 4s, and . . .

Mara: So how does that work again?

Credence: What about Lazza’s two crits? Oh! And I forgot . .. Okay, it didn’t matter, but on crits hit with melee weapons, I can roll an extra +1 damage dice. Like, l roll it 3 times instead of twice.

Joe: Oh heck!

Sophie: Oh. Okay well you shoulda done that cuz that would’ve been cool, but remember that for the future.

Credence:Oh come on! She was still doing really cool shit. But I’ll remember that

Sophie: I’m just saying she would’ve like cleaved that orc in half then.

Credence: I knoooow just like come oooooon. Come on.

Mara: So how does inspiration work again?

Sophie: Inspiration is basically currency in the game that you can spend on any check you want for getting advantage on it. So let’s say you are in battle and you roll a critical miss you’d be like “well, I wanna spend my point of inspiration”. Or if you’re trying to climb up something to get away for something, or it’s an important persuasion check with a king, you can use that one inspiration point.

Mara: Okay! Cool!

Sophie: Just because that was such good podcasting.

Mara: [LAUGHS]

Sophie: [SIGHING] Oooookay.

Joe: Alright. So. Defiance will go up to Lazza then and say

Defiance: Looks like you got a bit injured there. Do you uh . . . Would you be opposed to me healing you?

Lazza: You promise . . . promise it’s just . . . it’s just a healing spell, right? You’re not gonna make me . . . die because you . . . made a bad joke at me, right? Like, I’m not interested in what they’re dishing out, but like . . .

Credence: She like thumbs over to Ellywick who’s probably still smiling

Mara: And Ellywick was totally getting ready to cast cure wounds on you too. They kinda hear that and they just put their hands in their pockets and wander off, like

Credence: And that makes Lazza even more suspicious

[LAUGHING]

Credence: Cuz like you just like almost cast something and then walked away when she pointed out that you were like, that you were what . . . that she was kinda scared of you. So she kinda gulps and she’s like

Lazza: Uhhh . .. Yeah Y-y-y-you promise . . . you promise?

Defiance: Aye. You have my word Lazza: Okay. One orc to the other!

Defiance: . . . Aye.

Joe: I put my hand on Lazza’s shoulder and uh . .. Lazza gets uhhhhh 1 d8 + 4 hit points back. So should I roll for that? Or should -

Sophie: You can roll for that, yeah.

Joe: Me? Okay

Sophie: Partly just cuz if - if Credence rolls for it, I know that he’ll get an 8.

[DICE ROLL]

Joe: Aw! Alright, so you only get 5 back.

Credence: Hey! That’s not nothing.

Mara: *laughs* I uh . .. Ellywick was gonna offer to cast cure wounds, but I uh . .. I don’t think that’s gonna happen now. [LAUGHS]

Lazza: I mean, don’t get me wrong, that was . . .that was kinda cool in a really perverse way, but. I don’t know. I’m . . . I'm just . . . I’m good. I’m good. Thanks . . .Thanks . . .thanks.

Sophie: So you all continue to move forward during the day.

Mara: Alright

Sophie: Again, I’m not gonna force you, but if there’s any conversations or anything you wanna have with each other or with the villagers that are still with you or anything, this would be a good time to do that, but. You know if it’s if it’s all just innocuous conversation and none of it is worth mentioning for the podcast then you know I’ll assume that probably it wasn’t just silent all day. But at the same time, y’all are just trying to run as fast as you can away from certain death, so -

Joe: Right

Mara: So the villagers saw that. It's not like . . .okay. Okay. So there's no point in Ellywick trying to like regale them with stories of the battle [CRACKING UP WHILE SPEAKING]

Sophie: I think they saw it but you regale them anyways

[ALL LAUGHING]

Mara: Yeah

Joe: Right

Mara: That sounds right

Credence: Definitely

Sophie: And they were all like “yeah. We were there” and you were like “Yeah, but you didn't like -

Ellywick: You weren’t there

[Crosstalk]

Credence: I think Lazza’s kinda . . . Well, I’m imagining that she’s carrying at least one person to make them, like, walk faster. She’s got either one or two kids or like one older person like on her back.

Sophie: I’m picturing you like Kronk style like in the Emperor's New Groove just with like a quickly constructed little thing for Yzma

Joe: Right?

Credence: Definitely, definitely. But she’s not paying like any attention to the person on her back andI think also maybe that person is just like holding on for dear life and also a little afraid to be holding onto an orc. I think that Lazza kinda like ends up running alongside Defiance and is like

Lazza: So uhhh thanks. Thanks for the heal back there. I’m not really one to usually, you know, mess around with that kind of magic stuff, but uhh definitely feeling better for it.

Defiance: Aye. I understand.

Lazza: How did uh . . . how did an orc end up becoming a cleric? I just .. . never met one before. Also where are you from? Because like, I’ve never met an orc with a tail before!

Defiance: Well [SIGHS] S’pose this would probably be a better time for erm - honesty in that case. I’m not an orc.

Lazza: What?!

Defiance: I’m a . . . I’m a tiefling actually.

Credence: There’s just like no . . . no recognition on Lazza’s face. She’s just like staring just like

Lazza: Did you sneeze? Heh- What’s a tiefling?

Joe: I think, Defiance kinda gives Lazza a bit of a pained smile and Defiance says

Defiance: Well, a tiefling is . . .[SIGHS] a- a- a sort of . . . a sort of creature that is the uh [SIGHS] the product of deals with demons. Well - devils to be more correct. I- I don’t know who. I don’t know when. But at some point in my ancestory, one of my ancestors uh [SIGHS] made some sort of a - a pact with one of the the archdukes of of of hell and erm - this is the result. [HALTINGLY] For - for - for the rest of - of - of their - their lineage. They will always be marked with the infernal. Sometimes it’s something like hooves, sometimes its horns, sometimes claws, tails . .. um but . .. aye. That - that is why I look the way that I do.

Lazza: [UNSURE] O-o-ooh o-oh. Um. Oh. O-o-okay.

Credence: I think Lazza’s like lost for words because on the one hand shes kind of terrified of that prospect . .. you know because . . . magic . . . deals with devils . . . Ehhhhhhh? . . . not great

Joe: Indeed [LAUGHING]

Credence: After- after a second, she’s like

Lazza: Well, uuuh y-you seem . .. you seem alright by me, Defiance. I mean, uhh. You’re the first person who ever cast a spell on me that didn’t hurt me. So, uh so you know ancestors may uh may create the path before us, but that doesn’t mean it can’t turn. You know?

Defiance: That’s very much appreciated. I shall er- I shall continue to strive to not violate that trust.

Lazza: I mean, yeah, I mean just uhhh d-d-d-don’t worry about it.

Credence: And she just kinda like runs ahead cuz she doesn’t know how to interact with this kind of intimacy right now.

[LAUGHING]

Joe: That’s fair

Sophie: I love it!

Joe: I feel like Defiance just kind of . . . shrugs it off as par for the course.

[INTERMISSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Greetings, Earthlings. I am here with your intermission, I guess for lack of a better term. And I promise it’ll be quick! So first off, I wanted to remind everyone about our transcription program. You will get earliest access to episodes. Sometimes weeks in advance if you help us transcribe. We are trying to make this podcast deaf accessible and it’s been going well so far, but basically right now all the work is on one person, and that one person is an absolute saint who is listening to this right now and hopefully blushing. BUT the more the merrier with this sort of thing! So if your interested in helping us MAKING this podcast more accessible, get in contact with me via twitter or email, both of which are on your cover art and you can help us out!

The next thing I wanna talk to you about is NPC names. Don’t forget if you tweet about this show using the #DungeonsAndQueers - that’s dungeons, the word and, and then queers - you might get an NPC named after you on the show. And i am in desperate need of names for NPCS so um please help us out. That’s just a really cool thing that we wanna be able to do and it helps us raise awareness about the show because we don’t have money to advertise.

The last thing I wanna talk to you about is our patreon - speaking of money. We have several levels on our patreon right now. I should mention also the link for the patreon -or the web address is also on your cover art. But anyways, we have the $1 a month level which is access to some bonus content, some character bios that we’re constructions as well as some . . . you’ll have access to - We didn’t do it for this first arc, but we’ve got it up already for the 2nd arc . . . uh character sheets. Basically we take pictures of our character sheets and upload them that way you can kinda see where our stats are at and follow along if that’s your thing. We are also planning on doing player bios with some pictures of us and that way you can get to know us all a little bit better.

At $5 a month, you’ll get access to some bonus episodes that we are planning on recording. Basically it’s a podcast about our podcast! We are going to talk about our theories for where this is going - I mean not my theories . . . I know where it is going. But the players are gonna talk about their theories for where it's going. Maybe why their characters did certain things and we will be answering any questions that fans have that they tweet at us. So that’s just $5 a month and you still get the $1 a month awards. That’s not that much for good, relatable, queer content especially since we are considering starting to roll out episodes every week for a lil bit as a trial period.

Next is the $10 a month level. At that level you get all the previous rewards as well as early uploads of the episodes. I upload all the episodes at least a week early on to Pateron and you can be the first one to find out about it. So if you’re sitting there and your like I gotta know what happens next! I gotta know, I gotta know, I gotta know! You can know. That’s something that we are willing to let you do and get ahead of the game.

And the highest level we have currently is our inner sanctum members and that is $15 a month. And with that you get all the previous rewards and once or twice a month -er wow once or twice a month, that would be crazy- once or twice a year were gonna send you a secret custom - to a degree custom um bespoke - gift made just for you. The sort of thing that we’ll be supporting you know etsy shops for and and that sort of thing. Really cool bespoke rewards as our way of saying thank you. We are thinking of maybe having some mugs made up with the show logo on it . . . we’re thinking of getting some custom made polyhedral dice sets in different pride colours. We’re thinking of doing all kinds of stuff for it. I don't wanna say too many of our ideas because I want it to be a surprise, but something like that is something you can look forward to if your at the $15 a month level. And we are going take care of everything. We’re gonna take care of shipping . . . we’re gonna take care of you. You’re gonna get your thank you because you deserve it and you’re supporting us at this higher level which tells us that you really want us to keep making this content. Which is the biggest thank you that we can get, honestly.

So I hope you all are enjoying the episode. I will let you get back to it and don’t forget to tweet about the show and tell a friend! Thanks!

[END INTERMISSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Okay! So! Night starts to begin to fall. It’s actually a beautiful mountain sunset as I said you’re kind of away from just the craigy rock outcroppings and in an alpine forest at this point. At this point the orc horns have fallen farther behind you, but actually from ahead, you see three quadruped shapes moving in fast from further down the mountain.You begin to hear vicious hissing and the clack of teeth as you begin to move closer. The villagers take refuge behind some boulders and our three heros rush forward to meet the assailants head on. The two forces meet and clash. We see that the attackers are in fact rats. But there’s something special about these rodents. They are -

Credence: Rodents of unusual size?

Sophie: - unusually sized.

All: [LAUGHING]

Mara: I don’t think they exist.

Sophie: Roll initiative!

Joe: They’re not in a cellar? [WHISPERED] Holy shit.

Mara: Okay

[DICE ROLLS]

Credence: Uhhh . . . 13 for Lazza

Sophie: Okay sooo Who got highest?

Mara: I got 21.

Credence: I got 13.

Sophie: Okay. And what did you get?

Joe: [DISAPPOINTED] I got 12.

Sophie: Okay. What did you get, Credence?

Credence: 13

Sophie: Okay. Annnnd Joe?

Joe: Uhh 12.

Credence: And how many of them are there?

Sophie: 3

Joe: Ah! One for each of us!

[LAUGHING]

Sophie: Okay! So! First in the order is Ellywick.

Mara: I think Ellywick’s gonna take a swing at whatever rat is closest to them.

Sophie: We’ll say Rat 1

Mara: Rat 1! Okay!

[DICE ROLLS]

Mara: Nat 20!

Sophie: Oh God! I just watched that happen. I swear to god it’s true.

Mara: Alright Sooo . . . [MUTTERING TO THEMSELF] 1d8 plus 2 . . . sooo . . . 6 plus . . . 4 is 10 plus 2 is 12.

Sophie: Yeah. You kill this rat and Ellywick just kinda runs forward screaming and just skewers it through the face . . .or slashes it right across the face and I think its head comes rolling off

Joe: Just like the top part though?

Sophie: Okay! Next in the order . . .Rat 2!

Credence: Oh wait - wait! First Lazza’s like NICE!

Sophie: Lazza’s like Alright! Like Finally!

Credence: Yeah She’s like chanting in orcish

Sophie: Okay, next in the order is Rat 2 who is going to make an attack on Ellywick with advantage because it has an ability called pack tactics. “The rat has advantage on an attack roll against a creature if at least one of the rat’s allies is within 5 feet of the creature and the ally isn’t incapacitated.”

[DICE ROLLS]

Sophie: So 12 vs. AC probably not gonna do it. AND a critical miss.

Mara: Neither of those do it.

Sophie: DM’s dice are being naughty tonight. Okay! So that’s not gonna do it. Lazza’s up next.

Credence: Alrighty! So we’ve got 2 left?

Sophie: Yep!

Credence: Okay. Lazza’s gonna do a two handed battle axe and I think she’ll do another Reckless Attack. Yeah she’s just gonna come in swinging two handed Reckless Attack on the rat that just attacked Ellywick.

Sophie: Okay

[DICE ROLLS]

Credence: [MUTTERING] Okay that one was not great . .. that one’s also not great. [NORMAL VOICE] 17?

Sophie: Yup

Credence: Yes! Alright, so that’s gonna be 1d10 + 4. [LAUGHING] TE-E-EN! Alright! So we’ve got 14!

Sophie: That kills it.

Mara: [LAUGHING] So far we’ve each killed a rat.

Credence: Alriiight

Sophie: Well, not Defiance.

Mara: Right. So far.

Joe: Pressure’s on! Ohh nooo.

Mara: Don’t miss

Credence: Can Lazza just like completely cleave it in two?

Sophie: I think definitely.

Mara: It’s cleft in twain

Credence: Cleft in twain!

Joe: Heck yes

Sophie: [SIGHING] Ooookayyy

Credence: And like she’s like covered in blood and right next to Ellywick, cuz that thing just attacked Ellywick and she’s like

Lazza: YEAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Mara: I think Ellywick kinda like just like . . . shuffles like . . . they’re not one for violence.

Sophie: Defiance you’re up next.

Joe: Awing the warhammer one handed . . Ah does 14 hit?

Sophie: Yup

Joe: Yayyyyyyy! [MUTTERING] So that’s 1d8 + 3 . . . [ANNOUNCING] FOUUUUR!

Sophie: That does not kill it . .. just bloodies

Joe: Bop it on the head

Credence: Wait, wait. So did you get a total of 4?

Mara: Yeah

Joe: Yeah. I - I rolled a 1

Credence: Lazza’s gonna be like

Lazza: You triiied!

Defiance: Heeeeyyyyy!

Sophie: Okay. It’s gonna make an attack on Defiance . . . Rat 3 is a 12? 12 hit?

Joe: 12? Yeah

Sophie:12 hits!? Really?

[CROSSTALK]

Joe: My AC’s 12

Sophie: You don’t have any armour. Yeah okay.

Credence: We need to get you some armour. Oh we should’ve - SHIT! Did we get anything off of those orcs before?

Joe: I’ve got my tattered clothes

Mara: Dammit!

Joe: No we didn’t think about it.

Sophie: You could’ve, but you didn’t.

Joe: Nope

Mara: [WHISPERED] God dammit! Oh well.

Joe: ???

Sophie: Which kind of makes sense in a way because y’all were tryna move really fast. Okay so it is going to do 1d4 + 2 piercing . . . 3 piercing damage.

Defiance: Oww!

Sophie: As it latches onto you. Next in the order is Ellywick!

Mara: Kay. Okay. So you said it’s bloodied.

Sophie: Yeah. Does vicious mockery work if it doesn’t speak your language?

Mara: That’s a good question actually.

Joe: Oh yeah, I’m not sure

Mara: “If the target can hear you, though it need not understand you”

Sophie: Greaaat

Joe: It just feels vaguely insulted like . . . I don’t know what you said but my feelings are still hurt!

Mara: I uh - in reference to the attack that it just unleashed at Defiance there, they are going to say

Ellywick: “You call that an attack!? I’ve seen dead kitten hit harder than that!”

[LAUGHTER AND SIGHING]

Sophie: Does 12 clear the check?

Mara: It does not!

Sophie: COME ON

Joe: Holy shit

Mara: It’s okay, it only did 1 damage.

Sophie: Okay. It is fazed but not much worse

Mara: Dang it

Joe: Its spirit drooped just a lil’ bit

Sophie: Technically, that was a bonus action so do you wanna take an action?

Mara: Oh! Yeah! Sure!

Sophie: Cuz technically cantrips are bonus actions

Mara: Yeah! So as one final action then, I think they’re gonna do a slash

[DICE ROLLS]

But that’s not gonna . .. 10’s not gonna do it, is it?

Sophie: No. So you were laughing at your own joke so hard that you missed

Mara: [IN UNISON] That I missed!

Joe: Self high five.

Sophie: Next in the order is Lazza.

Credence: Lazza’s like gettin’ a little disappointed in Ellywick.

Mara: Ellywick’s just kinda like, shaking their head no at you like “you know what I can do.”

Credence: Well Lazza’s gonna reckless attack again . . . still two handed battle axe . . . so . . .[DICE ROLLS]

[MURMURED] That’s pretty good . . . okay 16 . . .

22!!!!

Sophie: You know, actually that doesn’t hit. I can’t explain it.

[LAUGHTER]

Joe: That’s the ~maaagic~ number!

Sophie: Yeah, that hits.

Credence: Alright, so we’ll do . . .

Sophie: Magic shield comes up around it, the divine rat god comes down and just shakes his finger at you and says NO!

Credence: Not today!

Okay, so we got a 7 + 4 is 11

Sophie: Yup. You cut it in half.

Mara: Cleft in twain

Joe: Nice!

Credence: Daamn

[SINGING TRIUMPHANTLY]

Sophie: As Lazza dismembers the last giant rat, a villager runs up to you all and says “Woooow! Giant rats. I didn’t think they existed”

Joe: [QUIETLY] Christ

Sophie: As the sun sets on these alpine forests, you once again have a choice. You can make camp here and recover from your injuries or you can press on and have a greater chance of escaping the orcs who are still undoubtedly in pursuit.

Mara: How far are we from this village we’re trying to get to?

[PAUSE] Do I need to make a roll for that?

Sophie: Make a nature check, yeah.

[DICE ROLLS]

Mara: Oh hey, I’ll take that. It was an accidental roll, but whatever. 16 + 2 is 18

Joe: You said nature?

Credence: What about survival?

Sophie: I think nature just because it’s trying to know where you are in nature, y’know?

Credence: Okay.

Joe: I rolled a 22

Sophie: Yeah. You’re still about a day from Northpass Haven

Credence: So we’ve got like 30 villagers who went on ahead who have probably made it there or are close to making it there.

Sophie: Yeah. so basically, it’s the same choice as last night. If you push on, you’ll be safer, but some villagers might die. And if you choose to stay here then no villagers - well you’ll have to make a survival check and then MAYBE no villagers will die, but the orcs will probably find you - Or maybe at least.

Ellywick: I uh . . . Guys I think we’re so close. I dunno it doesn’t make sense to delay getting there. I think we should just push forward.

Credence: So how many people are looking really bad?

Sophie: It’s about the same as last time. Really the whole group is having trouble keeping up. Cuz they’ve just been marching a whole day. These are old people and young kids so they’re in pretty bad shape.

Credence: Mmkay

Mara: Would we be able to use a short rest at all?

Joe: I was gonna say

Sophie: That won’t help the villagers, but it could help you. Cuz a short rest is only an hour.

Mara:

Credence: So we have about a day’s travel left?

Sophie: Yep

Joe: Yeah

Mara: And if we camp but out we probably won’t lose anybody, but we’ll probably be in danger of a fight. Which, if these last fights have been any indication, isn’t that big of a problem,

Credence: [GRUMBLES]

Joe: Well but if there are enough orcs

Credence: You know she’s raising the challenge rating the next time we have an encounter . . . Not to get too meta here, but

Mara: I mean still,

Lazza: Okay look. I know there have just been some scouts, but when a big group of ‘em comes, it’s gonna be bad. And if any of ‘em get through and we have a hostage situation or they just start killing everybody . . . yeah I uhh I dunno. Defiance what do you think?

Defiance: As much as it pains me to say, I think you might be right. [SIGHS] I don’t want to lose anyone, but if a large war band catches up with us, we could end up losing everyone.

Ellywick: As much as I don’t like it, I think you’re right

Lazza: Look, I can carry - I can carry a couple kids or like you know, I don’t know about you Defiance?

Defiance: I could probably carry at least one child and one person on my back or something?

Lazza: You know, like, we could keep the pace up for the folks who are really struggling, you know? Like. At least . . . yeah. I think we should keep going

Ellywick: I uhhhh Yeah! Okay!

[AGREEMENT, OKAYS ALL AROUND]

Credence: Alright so I think more than one of us should be allowed to roll a survival check because there is more of us.

Sophie: With the mechanic I had in mind, you only have to roll a survival check if you stop and rest for the night.

Mara: So, we don’t have to worry about it basically.

Sophie: Yeah, Basically by making this decision, it’s now out of your hands.

Joe: I’m gonna talk to the people as well because I think that it’s at the very least the honourable thing to say that, you know . . . some people may die on the way and -

Credence: Yeah what do . . . I guess kind of also letting them kind of have input is probably good

Joe: Definitely

Sophie: Yeah, they’ll do what you say. Y’know. They understand the gravity of the situation.

Mara: Sooo Question.

Sophie: Mmhmm

Mara: How’re you like determining who lives, who dies. Are you like rolling for that or?

Credence: Who lives? Who dies? Who tells your story?

Mara: [IN UNISON] Who tells your story?

Sophie: Well I think Ellywick’s gonna be telling the stories.

Mara: Shit yeah dude!

Sophie: I’m gonna choose a dice that I already have in mind and I’m gonna roll it to see how many people die.

Mara: Oh. Okay. Nevermind then. Cuz I was gonna try to use my bardic inspiration to like -

Sophie: Yeah, like I said, if you go on, the fact that people die is a foregone conclusion. It precludes the question.

Joe: I’ll . . . well . . . for anybody who’s at all interested, I’ll offer to kind of pray to the Triad for courage and for comfort.

Sophie: Okay

Credence: Yeah and Lazza’s carrying some kids.

Sophie: Through your relentless urging, the peasants make it through the night with only [DICE ROLLS] 2 deaths due to exposure.

Credence: Ehhh Lazza can live with that

[LAUGHTER]

Sophie: As the alpine forests fade into lush woodlands, a heavily fortified town’s outer wall made of very solid, vertically stacked logs appears in the distance. As you approach, a huge Orog emerges from the forest and fells -

Credence: Sorry . . . emerges from where?

Sophie: From the forests around you

Credence: I . . .okay

Joe: [SOFTLY]: Whaaat?

Sophie: And fells 4 villagers before you can get to them. In addition, -

Credence: Wait! Hold on, hold on. Are we seeing the other villagers that we had separated with?

Sophie: No, no. these are just your villagers.

Credence: Okay. so this, this . . . what does this aura look like?

Sophie: An Orog. It’s O-R-O-G. It’s a type of orc.

Credence: Okay. Sorry it’s hard to hear, so an orog -

Sophie: It’s okay! And plus I don’t really know how to pronounce it.

Credence: Oo- oorog? Or something? So this fucker just . . . shows up?

Sophie: Yeah, it’s basically the rest of the raiding party has managed to catch up with you. It’s 3 orcs and an orog -

Joe: Dang

Sophie: - and they collectively kill 4 villagers before you can get to them. So basically,

Mara: So 4 people remain?

Sophie: Yup. And actually make a perception check, Ellywick?

Mara: [THREATENINGLY] If you killed my boy! [DICE ROLLS/ PAGES TURN] . . . 11

Sophie: Yeah, you actually, you see Kenwick go down as the Orog sinks its axe into his chest. And I mean he might survive, but he went down.

Mara: [SIGHS]

[OUTRO - THEME MUSIC]

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daqtranscripts · 6 years

Text

Ep. 3 Transcript

Ep. 3 Transcript: Alpine Escape — Chapter 3

Begin:

Sophie: Previously on “Dungeons & Queers”...

[RECAP WITH MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND]

Kenway: Thanks for your stories. What’s your name?

Ellywick: My name is Ellywick Faelover Wandfidget the Ambiguous.

Kenway: My name is Kenway.

Lazza: Are you good at a fight?

Defiance: Is this to be some sort of a jailbreak, then?

Lazza: Hey, if we live through this… I’m Lazza.

Defiance: It is a pleasure to meet you, Lazza. I’m Defiance.

Sophie: Okay, you all quickly make your escape and head down the dark, wooded path, and before you catch up with the rest of the villagers, you see a familiar fresh face in Kenway as he smiles at you and says…

Kenway: I knew you all wouldn’t let us down!

[END RECAP]

Announcer: This show is part of the trans podcaster visibility initiative.

[THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Hello everybody, and welcome to “Dungeons and Queers,” where the “Whose Line…?” references are made up and the rolls don’t matter! I’m not even trying anymore and it’s, like, the fourth episode.

Credence: [GROANS] Where the introductions should be re-recorded…

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: ...and… [BREAKS DOWN LAUGHING[]

Mara: ...Where Sophie should put some thought into a pun before it’s time to record the pun.

Sophie: Yeah. Well.

[COUGHS]

Mara: I hope this isn’t, like, indicative of the rest of this arc. [LAUGHING]

Sophie: Does anybody have a pencil? No, I have a pencil.

Credence: [IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT] I brought my supplies!~

Sophie: I was prepared!

Credence: [CONTINUING SOUTHERN ACCENT] I’m ready for school!~

Sophie: Okay, um, so! [SIGHS] Basically, I have a little bit of reading to do, which I thought was a good place to start this off, and then I’m going to introduce a new mechanic to you all! Which you are not going to appreciate!

Mara: [WEAK CRY]

Credence: [RETURNING TO NORMAL VOICE] I had a feeling… You didn’t have to… You didn’t have to do that.

[LAUGHING]

Mara: [SARCASTICALLY] For me? You shouldn’t have.

Sophie: Yeah, well.

[CROSSTALK OF CREDENCE AND MARA BEING SARCASTIC TO SOPHIE]

Sophie: I wish you would not have. Yes, yes. Anyways… Before we get started, I want to let the fans know that — I wanna remind everybody, I guess — that this is a d/Deaf-accessible podcast! We do have transcripts, and if you are looking to help make that happen, in return, I am willing to give you early access to these episodes! So if you’re craving, wondering what is gonna happen, get in contact with me via email or Twitter or something like that, and we will talk and, basically, there’s a Google Drive folder with some files in it that I can share with you, and basically you can listen to the episode early with the understanding that you are going to contribute to the transcription. Which basically just means you type what you hear! And the format of it is pretty clear if you’re on there, so if you’re interested in helping out with that… I know that our d/Deaf fans would really appreciate that, and, you know, there’s even some non-d/Deaf folks that would probably appreciate it too. I mean, whenever I watch a movie, I always have the subtitles on, you know.

Credence: Yeah!

Sophie: And there’ll be times when I’m listening to podcasts where they’re audio dramas and there was so much sound going on, and they had, like, people talking through a crackly speaker, and I was sitting there like, “I need to look up the fuckin’ transcript because I can’t tell what this garbled audio is supposed to sound like, is supposed to be saying, and it was plot-relevant.”

Credence: Yeah! I mean, I… I have sensory processing disorder, and that can… Podcasts are actually one of the few things that helps with that for me, because it’s mostly visual stimulus that makes it very difficult for me, but I know for other folks, like, being able to just focus on something without any kind of visual component is incredibly difficult. So there are so many reasons why it’s nice to have these, and I’m really glad that we are committed to making this accessible, and folks who are willing to help are fuckin’ radical! And...also you get to listen to the episode early, but if you leak ANYTHING… [LAZZA VOICE] Lazza will find you.

[LAUGHTER]

Mara: And honestly, sometimes we’re just garbage podcasters and the crosstalk is unbearable, so, you know.

[VARIOUS AGREEMENTS]

Credence: Oh, GOD, yeah. We’re doing pretty good…

Sophie: Yeah, we’re doing okay! It’s a little hard, because three of us are talking into one mic, so there’s not much I can do when some of us start crosstalking. I can…

Mara: Build a crosstalk spray bottle. “NO! BAD!”

Sophie: Yeah, if the problem is Credence, then I can just silence Credence’s audio. I think that only happened just once, where, like, Joe was making a really funny joke and Credence was laughing too loud, and it was like, “I’m just gonna ~tweak~ this out.” But typically, the problem isn’t just Credence. But we’re actually looking into…

Credence: Thank you! I appreciate it!

Mara: We’ll just get a little spray bottle and you can spritz Joe or I if we’re being naughty.

Sophie: But anyways, we’re actually looking at getting involved with a local artist co-op that has a podcasting studio in it, so if our sound quality suddenly improves at some point, you’ll know that we’re involved with them, ‘cause they have really, really incredible setups there. But anyways!

Joe: It’s a marvel what people can do when they actually pool resources and get together and help one another.

Mara: WHOOOOOAAAA…

Sophie: Yeah, well, I mean, I’m an anarcho-communist, so…

Joe: Same.

Sophie: I’m all about this artist co-op, like…

Mara: [SARCASTICALLY] Nah, co-ops aren’t good.

Credence: It’s fuckin’ radical. I’m super jelly of the setup that you guys are gonna be able to check out.

Sophie: Yeah, the only downside is that it’s mostly volunteer work, which means the wheels turn slowly, so they built this wonderful space because people are very motivated when it comes to building things and buying things with grants, but they haven’t put an online signup sheet to use it yet, to like, use the space, so like… I can’t use it yet even though it’s there and it’s just sitting, empty, and I keep emailing the guy but he hasn’t emailed me back, so we’re just waiting for the wheels of unmotivated artists to turn there.

Credence: Before we get started, should we talk about ways to get in contact with us?

Sophie: It’s all on the cover art of the podcast.

Credence: Like, I don’t know, do you folks wanna share your personal Twitters?

Sophie: Oh yeah! We should go around and say our name and pronouns and reintroduce our characters and stuff like that and, you know, who we’re playing, our characters’ pronouns, and then if you wanna be like, “And my personal Twitter is @this,” or whatever, we can do that. So, my name is Sophie Lastnameredacted, I am the DM, so I’m playing a whole bunch of characters, although only one that’s been introduced right now, his name is Kenway. And basically, you might know me from the “PolyAM Radio” podcast, where we talk about polyamory and unconventional, young, queer, trans relationship styles and stuff like that — it’s a blast, you should come check it out if you haven’t — and my pronouns are she/her/hers!

Mara: Uh…! I’m Mara Sunshine, I use they/them pronouns, I am @marasunshine2 on Twitter, and I am playing — and I have to break out this full name, it’s never gonna get used, ‘cause it’s unwieldy, but I’m a gnome — Ellywick Faelover Wandfidget the Ambiguous. More names to come, I’m sure. They are a bardic gnome or a gnomic...bard…? I don’t know. And they also use they/them pronouns.

Sophie: Joe.

Joe: I am Joe Alias, my pronouns are they/them/she/hers. And I play Defiance, who...same pronouns, they/them/she/hers. Defiance is a tiefling war cleric. I don’t have a Twitter as of yet, but if I eventually set one up, I will let y’all know.

Sophie: I will say that the Twitter app is actually excellent at managing multiple accounts. Like, it’s not like Tumblr, where it’s like, you have to completely sign out, and…

Joe: Boo!

Credence: Tumblr’s the worst, that blue hellscape.

Joe: Ain’t that the truth.

Sophie: Credence?

Credence: Yoooo! Okay! My name is Credence It-Has-Nothing-to-Do-With-Clearwater-Revival. My pronouns are he/him and I play the character of Lazza the half-orc barbarian. Lazza’s pronouns are she/hers and if you wanted to reach out to me on Twitter, my handle is @aliensatemybaby.

Joe: Nice!

Sophie: Of course it is.

Credence: Yup. [LAUGHS] Gotta stay on-brand.

Sophie: Yeah, yeah! Okay…

Mara: Real quick — is that supposed to be like “dingoes ate my baby?”

Credence: Oh, you bet.

Mara: BLESS.

Sophie: Okay! Um… So… Now that we’re ten minutes into this recording…

Credence: Ah!

Sophie: Let’s actually play some fucking D&D!

[ALL SAY “HELL YEAH” IN VARYING FUNNY VOICES]

Sophie: Okay, so, where we left off, the villagers had gone — had been rescued and had gone down that path and you were going down the same path to follow them. Kenway had waited back behind for you—

Mara: What a good boy.

Sophie: Yeah, what a good boy. He is the Resident Good Boy™, like three baby golden retrievers stacked on top of each other in a trench coat.

Joe: What!

Mara: Bless!

Credence: Lazza does not trust him.

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: Just so everyone knows.

Sophie: To be clear, is that because Lazza has a thing about dogs, or just because…?

Credence: He is a CHILD! You did talk about how he is a HUMANOID CHILD, so I don’t know why this has anything to do with DOGS—

Sophie: Just ‘cause I described him as a puppy-dog of a person.

Credence: No, just kids.

Sophie: Oh, okay.

Mara: See, and Ellywick is just, like, “YES.”

Sophie: “Yes. Good.”

Mara: “YES. GOOD. My people, but not.”

Credence: “I can look you in the eye.”

Mara: Yeah, right?

Sophie: Yeah!

Mara: “You have a lot more whimsy than the average human. Cool. We’re good here.”

Sophie: But anyways, the four of you kinda run ahead, and Kenway leads you to where this group of people is sitting, huddled and cold, in the forest, and you all make way for — basically, there’s a local village that some of them have heard of called Northpass Haven, and it’s famed as kind of a frontier-style town, but very...it has a long history of being attacked by orcs and stuff like that and surviving. So it’s the kind of place that if you were to bring an orc horde to their doorstep, they wouldn’t necessarily bawk, just in case you all are pursued. So these villagers follow their shepherds, you three, on this cold night, as beings do when they correctly identify their only hope for survival. With little protective outerwear, these prisoners move slowly and begin to falter in the face of the relentless mountains.

You now face a terrible choice — allow the group to stop and find shelter for the night and risk losing the head start you achieved by killing the orc guards and making the orcs think they were under seige and close up and bar their doors, or you can continue on and risk the deaths of some of the older and younger villagers due to exposure and cold. Make your choice and inform their fate — drive them on or find shelter?

So basically, this is a new mechanic that I told you about that you all will not appreciate. These villagers are relying on you, but at the same time, you are all trying to make your escape as well, and you have to decide, basically — if you stop for the night, you will take a long rest, you will gain all your health and your spell slots (not that you all have taken much damage) but I can also...if any villagers die will be based on the survival checks that you all make, and there will be a much better chance that no one will die, versus if you continue on, you will lose some of the villagers, but you will maintain the head start that you’ve gotten, which means that you’ll probably...orcs probably won’t find you.

[GROANING AND MUTTERING]

Credence: I’m really glad that I got a proficiency in survival now.

Mara: See I know how Mara the person wants to play this, but I think Ellywick could go, really, either way with this, which kinda sucks. Perks of being chaotic neutral, I guess. So I think… I guess, question one, how are the villagers looking?

Sophie: As I said, they’re not really dressed for this. This wasn’t really an expedition that they were prepared to make, and a lot of them had had their outerwear stripped of them. So they’re looking kind of bad off. Most of them look like they could keep going, although they’d be very miserable, there are some older and some younger folks who don’t look like they’re doing so well, but basically, they’re all looking to you for instruction.

Credence: Okay, should we be… I almost think that, like… Mara, what you said, like, you wanna do versus what Ellywick would do is kind of...there’s some discrepancy there, so I almost feel like it would be better to talk about this in-character…?

Sophie: Yeah, absolutely, I think this is a conversation that needs to happen between characters.

Mara: Ye.

Sophie: Especially because, like I said, your alignment should inform your decisions, but it shouldn’t ever — in my mind — totally restrict your decisions. Because I mentioned in the intro episode, I think, there was literally a Star Wars expanded universe novel where Darth Vader stopped Emperor Palpatine from killing a Twi’lek orphan, and he’s a classic lawful evil character, so like, going against authority and stopping the slaughter of an innocent isn’t really Vader’s MO. And he went on to do more really gruesome things after that, but his gut reaction was still “no.” And there are reasons for that — there are character reasons, because Vader is a very conflicted character. I’m not even gonna say he’s an overly-compelling character, but he is a conflicted character.

[SOFT CHORUS OF AGREEMENTS]

Sophie: So, you know, this decision could be informed… To use Lazza as an example, Lazza’s not a “good” character, Lazza’s a neutral character. Lawful neutral. But if part of Lazza’s code of honor is you’d never leave anyone behind or something like that, then that could inform this. So I want you all to think creatively outside of your alignments, like, “Oh, I don’t know, I’m neutral, ‘cause an evil character would just leave them behind and a good character would maybe stay with them.” You know, a good character in this case might also leave them behind just because, it’s like, “Well, we have to protect as many people as possible, and we have the orcs behind us, and if we stay, we might not survive.” ‘Cause I will say, in the morning, they are gonna notice you’re gone and they’re gonna send people after you. That’s not me as a DM giving you hints or anything, that’s a conclusion your characters have probably made. So I think this is absolutely an in-character discussion, and I am super excited to step back and listen to it!

[CHUCKLING]

Sophie: Sorry about the sniffling, by the way, everyone. We all have colds.

[LAUGHTER AND CONFIRMATIONS]

Ellywick: So… What do we do, guys?

Lazza: Ah… Shit. Well, Ellywick, how many of ‘em are getting too slow to keep up a decent pace?

Ellywick: I… I don’t know…

Lazza: You’re a cleric, right?

Defiance: Um, that would be me, actually.

Lazza: Sorry. Sorry! I just met you guys.

Mara: All magic users look the same to you! [LAUGHING]

Lazza: [EMBARRASSED SPLUTTERING]

Credence: [VERY QUICKLY] #NotAllMagicUsers!

Lazza: Okay, Defiance. How many of these folks can’t keep up a good pace?

Credence: [STAGE WHISPER] Can we do, like, a medicine check or something, DM?

Mara: God, are you there?!

Joe: Yeah, why not? Do you think medicine or perception?

Sophie: I think perception, ‘cause medicine is your ability to heal them.

Joe: True. [ROLLS DICE VIOLENTLY]

[SOMEONE BLOWS A RASPBERRY]

Mara: Ooh!

Credence: Did you throw a rock?!

Sophie and Mara: You might as well have!

Sophie: It’s a critical miss.

Joe: Wow.

Credence: It’s because you threw a rock.

Ellywick: Um…

Lazza: Okay, so, fuck! At least they’ve got heads!

Defiance: Yeah, I don’t know! They’ve got heads!

Sophie: They seem cold to you, that’s what you got.

Mara: [ROLLS DICE VIOLENTLY]

[PAINED LAUGHTER]

Credence: Did you also roll a critical miss just now?

Mara: I did!

Joe: Holy cow!

Credence: You cannot rely on Lazza here!

Sophie: It’s kind of dark and hard for you to tell.

Mara: Naughty corner!

Credence: Dice shame! Okay, Lazza’s gonna roll perception here. [ROLLS DICE GENTLY] Okay, sloppy dice.

[INDECIPHERABLE MUMBLED CROSSTALK]

Joe: You already said we’d kinda notice the fact that people are stumbling.

Sophie: Yeah, but you wanted to know how many are gonna fall behind and stuff like that.

Joe: Oh!

Credence: [ROLLS DICE GENTLY]

Sophie: What’d you get?

Credence: Agh! I’m sorry, I keep getting sloppy dice! [ROLLS DICE GENTLY] Well, I got an 8, which is better than fuckin’ everybody else!

Sophie: It seems to you like there are about maybe a fourth of the people who are so young or so old that they’re having trouble keeping up. That is not to say that you will lose a fourth of them tonight, or something like that, that is just saying that, you know… It is a considerable number of people that are going to be hurting bad if you do it, if you continue on. And I’ll tell you, I’m factoring in — I’ve got, basically, in my head, kind of, with this — factored in the fact that you have a cleric and stuff like that and the cleric, aside from burning actual spell slots, is going to be trying to use cantrips to heal and stuff like that to keep people going. If you want to use spell slots on them, that’s a choice that you have to verbalize to me, and that might change something or whatever, but you will also lose those spell slots. So… I’ve got some of those things that y’all are talking about factored in already.

Lazza: Okay. So it looks like a fourth of them are really struggling.

Ellywick: You know, I don’t think it makes much sense to free all of them from those cages just to let them die out here.

Lazza: Oh, I don’t—! Look… It’s… The path to Northpass Haven is treacherous on its own. We don’t have any supplies. We don’t… We’re gonna lose people. So if we make sure we, I don’t know, get as many people…

Credence: So Lazza’s kind of like, conflicted right now. But she keeps playing with this pouch around her neck where she keeps these stones…

Sophie: Yeah, sure, sure.

Credence: And she’s just kind of… She pauses for a second, and then…

Lazza: What about this — we send the people who are doing the best up ahead. Y’know, the path is hard, but it’s easily marked. They’ll be able to make it. They won’t have to worry too much about tracking it. But what if we send the folks who are doing the best up ahead and we stay back with the folks who are struggling and try to get them on their feet a little bit better, and then, if we get some ~visitors,~ maybe we can get some supplies out of them.

Defiance: [SURPRISED] I don’t think that’s a bad idea, actually! Especially if there’s some way…

Joe: I guess I’m a little bit curious. Since we did free that group of elves, too, do any of them have any knowledge or ability to either track or help us to better hide?

Credence: Or heal?

Sophie: So basically, what I had envisioned for this is that, kind of all of these — even the elves — are civilian elves, basically.

[CROSSTALK]

Joe: Not particularly woodsy?

Sophie: Yeah, yeah. They’re not like… One of them is a barrel maker, and one of them is a potter, and one of them is a carpenter, one is a candlestick maker, yeah, sure. You know, innocuous, everyday jobs that, even in the forest, groups need.

Credence: Okay, well, that aside…

Lazza: So what do you guys think? Ellywick, what do you think? We stay back with the folks, we try to work on getting them on their feet a little bit better, heck, we could even try to backtrack and ambush some of the orcs as they’re coming and trying to look for us. We could get some supplies out of ‘em. I mean...I dunno.

Ellywick: I, ah…

Defiance: Do you know if it’s typical for them to all come at once or to send, first, a scout or two?

Lazza: Well, I mean, each...everybody had their own smaller raiding party. So, you know, there’d be...four to six people.

Credence: Sophie, I’m trying to base this off of what I thought I remember you telling me last time?

Sophie: Yep! Yep!

Credence: But, um, okay…

Lazza: So it’s — and especially with terrain like this, it’s easier to travel quickly in small numbers… As we know here, this isn’t going exactly great. They’ll probably be sending out parties of… I wouldn’t say more than six or seven. Which, if we can get the drop on them, we might be able to get some stuff so we can at least clothe the folks who are struggling the most and give a head start to the folks up the path.

Ellywick: But what happens if the orcs go after some of these people?

Lazza: I mean…

Ellywick: Then they’re even worse off.

Lazza: Well, no shit, Sherlock! But like...being dead sucks!

[SOFT SNICKERING]

Defiance: The general idea, if I understand you correctly, Lazza — either way, if the orcs went toward the healthier people, they’ll find us first, and they’d have to get past us.

Lazza: Exactly. [STAMMERING] We give, we give ‘em a jump start and we can focus on hiding these folks who are struggling, try and get ‘em a bit better, and-and hopefully, by-by-by ambushing these guys, we can, you know, we can get some clothes, at least, for ‘em.

Ellywick: Alright. We can try it.

Defiance: If we can at least give the weaker amongst them a bit more rest, perhaps I can try to heal some of them, or at least give them some sort of medical attention… Mayhaps they’ll become just strong enough to eventually catch up with everyone else.

Ellywick: I can help a little with the healing too.

Defiance: [PLEASANTLY] Oh! That’d be much appreciated.

Lazza: [ENTHUSIASTICALLY] And I can carry at least, like, two kids! So, like…!

[LAUGHTER]

Ellywick: You do that!

[INTERMISSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Hello everyone! Welcome to the middle of the show! My name is Sophie Lastnameredacted and I am here with...the ads! Sorry.

So we don’t have anyone who’s taken out an ad on the show yet, which is totally fine, but I just wanted to remind everyone that we are offering ad slots starting at just $5/episode. These are some great opportunities to get your book or online shop or podcast or whatever you want immortalized.

I also want to talk to you all about our Patreon. The link is on your cover art, and we have reward levels starting at just $1/month, and it would really help us out if you could donate, because, actually, we are considering going weekly with our episodes! And it would really help to have a little bit of financial assistance in doing that. That’s a really big undertaking, and it’s gonna take a lot of work from the people doing the transcripts and the person editing the audio — me — and that would be a huge help if you would consider supporting us! I’ve mentioned in previous episodes what the rewards are, and I’m sure I’ll talk about it again eventually, but right now, I just want to keep it brief as I can for this episode, ‘cause there’s some cool stuff coming up that I really want y’all to get to!

I wanted to take a moment to thank Acqua Toffana, our current only Patron, thank you so much! I also wanted to remind everyone that if you Tweet about the show using the hashtag #DungeonsAndQueers, you might get an NPC named after you. We’ve got some NPCs, not so much in this episode, but coming up in the upcoming episodes, that are named after some people who Tweeted about the show that are probably gonna become pretty big parts of the campaign! As long as the characters don’t go murder-hobo on them. We really appreciate your support, we would appreciate it if you could tell at least one friend about us this week, because we did not have the money to advertise, so if this is gonna take of, it’s gonna be by word of mouth.

I also wanted to mention real quick — I mentioned transcripts earlier, and if you’re interested in helping us continue to make this podcast d/Deaf-accessible, then join us and become part of our transcription program! You’ll get access to early episodes and a bunch of other cool stuff — well, I shouldn’t say “a bunch of other cool stuff” — you’ll get access to early episodes, and you’ll get my eternal gratitude and you’ll be part of our little group that’s working on it. It’ll be really cool and fun, and you’ll be part of, you know, making media for people who communicate a little bit differently, which is always an excellent thing.

I also want to give a shout-out to kenwaylights, who is transcribing this audio right now. I am eternally grateful for you, you are absolutely the best, and I just want everyone to know how amazing you are.

I think that’s everything that I wanted to get through! Next episode might be up next week, depending on how quick we can get through ‘em. We’re gonna do a little bit of experimenting and try going weekly with our episodes for a little bit and see if that works, see if it’s doable for us. If we do decide to do that, there may come weeks where we occasionally skip uploading an episode, and I’ll try to let y’all know on Twitter when that happens. It’ll generally be around things like exams and stuff like that. But right now, we have a pretty big back-catalogue. As I’m editing this audio and everything, we’re actually already into the second arc of the show, which is really exciting! But I want to get these episodes out there so people can listen to them, and hopefully support our show!

So, yeah! Just thanks a million, and I hope you’re enjoying this content… Ooh! And one more thing that I wanted to mention — so, generally speaking, in Dungeons & Dragons, when adventurers go adventuring, they’re not necessarily fleeing captors, they are going into dungeons and finding loot and things like that. And, you know, certainly we’ve had an unconventional start to this podcast, and I’m not gonna necessarily say that the rest of the podcast is gonna be totally conventional, but I will say that there are gonna be times where I want loot for them to be able to find! And I think that having them find 100 gold pieces or whatever is useful in utility, but I don’t think it’s as interesting from a storytelling standpoint. So that’ll certainly happen, but I also wanna lay down really cool magic items and artifacts for them to come across at various points in time.

So if you’ve got a favorite magical item in D&D, whether or not it’s a homebrewed item, send it to us by email or on Twitter or whatever! Just email or Tweet at us! And it might very well end up in the show! I’ve got an interesting mechanic that I think is gonna be, maybe, introduced at the end of the second arc, maybe? In between the second and third arc as far as a way for the players to pick some of their own magic items and stuff that they wanna buy, because I don’t wanna make it too accessible within the story where it doesn’t make sense, but I think that part of the fun of D&D is having really cool, useful, and sometimes a little bit broken, items that enrich the story. So if you could help us out with that, please please please, it would mean so much. We’ve already gotten a few suggestions on Twitter, but if you’ve got more, please send them to us.

So thanks a lot for listening, next episode will hopefully be up next week and...don’t date your best friend’s dad and don’t date your dad’s best friend? No, that’s the wrong podcast! I will talk to y’all later! Bye!

[END INTERMISSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Okay, so explain to me, in a sentence, what you all are doing.

Mara: We are sending the stronger people ahead and we are staying back for a long rest with the people who are not doing quite as well.

Sophie: Oookay! Take a long rest. Cool.

Mara: Can you give me back my pencil that you absconded with?

Sophie: This was from my backpack…

Mara: Oh! Someone absconded with my pencil! Hmm. Oh! Never mind.

Credence: I feel like Lazza is looking kind of pleased with herself at this point. ‘Cause, like, last time her plan wasn’t great, and it seems like this plan was a little bit better?

Sophie: Yeah, she completely sidestepped my moral quandary, so.

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: That’s what you do when you’re Lawful Neutral!

Sophie: Yeah, well.

Credence: Um, uh… I was gonna ask something, and now it’s just gone. Never mind. Oh, actually, yeah! How are the villagers reacting to Lazza at this point?

Sophie: I think they’re… I think that a good deal of them are trying to keep a healthy distance, but a lot of them are probably looking at you with more confusion than with outright fear. I… You know, more confusion than outright fear, and they’re not like...it’s kinda like Defiance’s situation, where they’re not thrilled about you, but in this instance, they’re glad you’re here. Do you know what I’m saying? Does that make sense?

Credence: Mhmm.

Sophie: Like, you’ve kind of proven yourself to them.

Credence: So, do we need to roll, like, survival stuff to see if we can keep— Well, okay, first of all… Mara, Joe, do you think it’s better for us to have them...like, should we find a place just off the path a little bit where we can hide them?

Joe: Yeah, I think so.

Credence: And then we can rest and kind of patrol the path.

Mara: Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.

Credence: Okay, I’m gonna roll — hold on. Would investigation or survival…?

Sophie: I think, um… Survival, we’ll say.

Credence: To, like, find a good spot and see how many survived, or do we do separate rolls?

Sophie: Um...no, I think just one is fine.

Credence: Okay.

Sophie: ‘Cause your survival is going to be, in this case, dependent on your ability to find a place.

Credence: Right. [ROLLS DICE] Uh… Well, that’s gonna be a 16. It’s not terrible.

Sophie: Okay! Yeah, you are able to find a...it’s not super well-hidden or anything, so it’s not really a place you can stay, but you’re able to find a cave, and hole up in there for the night. And I think with a 16, you said?

Credence: Yes.

Sophie: I think with a 16, I’m gonna say none of the villagers die that night, but they’re not magically energized in the morning or whatever. Like, this did them well, and you didn’t lose anyone, but a good night’s rest wasn’t exactly had by all, and even if it had it wouldn’t have been...these people probably need days to recover.

Joe: Does it aid at all if I use a medicine check?

Sophie: I was kind of factoring in that you would make a medicine check, but if you want to make a medicine check, that’s fine.

Credence: Well, and like, I mean, they’ve got better rolling for that than just me doing one survival check.

Joe: [ROLLS DICE] I got a 24.

Credence: HOLY SHIT.

Joe: [FUNNY VOICE] I rolled good!

Sophie: I think with a 24, you… Again, with a roll that good, they’re better off in the morning than they were, but again, this is putting a Band-Aid on a pretty big cut in this metaphor.

Joe: Before the long rest, would it be possible that maybe I can make an assessment and see who’s the worst off and use cure wounds?

Sophie: Again, I think with these people, part of the problem is they’re young and old, and that’s not really a condition that you can alleviate.

Joe: Gotcha. Okay.

Credence: It’s exposure, like, there’s no wounds. It’s just…

Sophie: Yeah, exactly. Mmkay, actually, so… You’ve got about 30 of the villagers go on, and about 10 of them stay with you, including Kenway. And… [HUMS TO SELF IN THOUGHT] Yeah! So now you all are taking a long rest; you regain any spell slots you spent, everybody’s up to full health, and we are gonna take some time to have some conversations. Is there any conversation that y’all wanna have with each other, or…? If you say no, that’s fine, I’m not expecting you to say certain things or whatever, it’s just that this is an opportunity to get to know each other if that’s what you think your characters would attempt to do.

Mara: I think Ellywick probably wants to try and figure out Lazza, at least a little bit, ‘cause like...it doesn’t really make sense, you know?

Ellywick: So, not to be rude here, but um...you seemed like you were pretty good buddies with those orcs back at the keep, there… Why are you running away?

Credence: So I’m picturing them, they’re kinda sitting around the fire, and Lazza was maybe kinda sitting off by herself before Ellywick came to join her.

Mara: Probably, yeah.

Credence: And she’s got the stones that were in her little pouch, she’s got them out in her hand now and is rubbing them together.

Lazza: Look, the point is, I got you out of that mess. What more is there to it?

Ellywick: Well, I’m a sucker for a good story, and that seems like a pretty interesting story. If you don’t wanna talk about it, that’s fine, but...I dunno, we’re sitting here, so you might as well tell me.

Mara: Should I roll, like, a persuasion or something?

Sophie: Ah, if Credence thinks you need to.

Credence: Uh… You know what? Yeah, I think you do.

[LAUGHTER]

Mara: Oh no, you’re gonna let the bard roll persuasion.

Credence: Well, what am I— Would this be a contest, DM, against my…?

Sophie: Yeah… We’ll say it’s a persuasion versus a wisdom check. Not a saving throw, just a check.

Credence: Okay.

Mara: [ROLLS DICE, PAUSES, BURSTS INTO RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

Joe: Ooohh…

Credence: Oh no. What?

Mara: Nat 20, so…

Credence: Yeah, that’s not going anywhere!

Mara: 25 when you add in my modifier, so…

Credence: Yeah, no, no. I get it.

Lazza: Well, I was born in a cabin, and…

[EVERYONE BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]

Credence: No, no.

Joe: Entirety of my life story.

Mara: Right?

Lazza: Well, I’m glad you asked. So…

Mara: Breaks out into a big musical number. Ellywick’s, like, entranced.

Credence: [SINGING A TUNE] No. I think Lazza just is staring into her hand for a second.

Lazza: Look, I know it’s easy to think that all orcs just act like that, but I just… I couldn’t do it anymore.

Ellywick: Well, why’d you do it in the first place?

Lazza: I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

Ellywick: I can understand that. Well, uh… I’m glad you made the right choice, Lazza.

Lazza: Yeah. Well, we’ll see. We might get killed in a lot worse ways. I think… I think I’m glad I made the choice, too.

Mara: I think Ellywick kinda takes out their sword and leans on it, and is like, “Well, I’ve got this bad boy over here, so, ah…” [CLICKS TONGUE RHYTHMICALLY]

Lazza: Yeah, you also have the ability to make somebody fall over in hysterical laughter, which, by the way, that was fucking terrifying! And I think I should let you know, I don’t really trust you! So…!

Ellywick: [NONCHALANTLY] Eh, don’t worry about it! I won’t use it on you unless you piss me off!

Mara: And they kinda grin up at you.

Sophie: I don’t think Lazza’s comforted by that…

[LAUGHTER]

Mara: Probably not!

Credence: Lazza just kind of closes her fist around those stones and puts it back into the little po— the little satchel, and, like, very, very intentionally walks across to the other side of the fire…

Mara: I think…

Credence: ...and lies down very far away.

Mara: I think Ellywick knows about the “gnomes will steal your teeth in your sleep” or the “gnomes will steal your teeth” superstition, and they kinda call after Lazza—

Ellywick: Be sure to watch your teeth tonight!

Mara: And they don’t mean it at all, they’re just fuckin’ with Lazza at this point. Just a little mischievous shit.

Sophie: Just an awful person.

Joe: Christ…

Credence: Lazza, like, doesn’t say anything, but she...purposefully pulls her axe closer to her, like she’s holding it like a stuffed animal…

[ERUPTION OF LAUGHTER]

Mara: Great. Yes. Good.

Joe: I sorta think that, like, if this were a video game, a little thing would pop up in one of the upper corners saying, like, “Lazza will remember that.”

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: Lazza will not forget that. Um, thank you, that was a wonderful interaction.

Mara: Oh, yeah, yeah. [GIGGLING]

Credence: I don’t know, is there anything… I think… It’s not because I don’t want our characters to get to know each other, it’s just like, Lazza’s not...particularly, after having just done this escape thing, and like, now being responsible for her ex-captives’ safety, I think she’s just kind of… She’s not in a sharing mood.

Joe: Right. I think for their part, Defiance is...pretty busy with trying to tend to all of the people. It’s not so much that they’re ignoring anybody, they’re kind of making themselves busy.

Mara: I, um… I think Ellywick can kinda tell that — and after that conversation with Lazza — I think they can kinda tell that, like, Defiance is obviously busy and doesn’t wanna talk, and Lazza really doesn’t wanna talk, and Ellywick’s okay with that. But I think they kinda just take out their pan flute that they were able to conceal on them, and they sigh sadly, and they go…

Ellywick: Well, it’s not Tania’s lute, but I’ll go back for that someday.

Mara: And they kinda glance off into the distance and they have this little murderous glint in their eye because it’s their goddamn favorite lute. But they take out their pan flute and just start playing some songs.

Sophie: Yeah! Um, before you start playing, you hear a voice from behind you meekly say…

Kenway: What’s a lute?

Ellywick: You don’t know what a lute is?

Kenway: No. I’ve never seen one before.

Ellywick: It’s a, uh…

Credence: Who’s talking?! I’m sorry.

Sophie: Kenway.

Credence: Okay.

Mara: I think Ellywick… I have to stop saying “I think” before every goddamn sentence! Ellywick takes out a stick and kinda draws in the dirt the outline of a lute and then the strings and everything and goes…

Ellywick: It’s a musical instrument, and this one was pretty special. It was given to me by a fae queen who I spent some time with.

Sophie: Yeah, I think Kenway kinda sits down next to you, and says…

Kenway: Well, I know what it’s like to have things you don’t want to lose.

Ellywick: Oh yeah? Why’s that?

Kenway: Well, I… I’m not an adventurer, and I’m just a kid, but you’re a bard, and your lute helps you do magic and stuff like that and it protects you, and you protect it. And I’ve got something similar.

Ellywick: What is it?

Sophie: He kinda looks around and then, kinda satisfied that no one else is really paying attention or around, he pulls out this large gold coin that doesn’t really have the mark of any currency you’ve ever seen on it; it’s not just a gold piece, it’s...akin to how you might look at a silver dollar now, where...you could probably get something for that, but nobody really uses it as money.

Mara: Mm.

Sophie: You know what I mean? And he says…

Kenway: Well, this was my dad’s, and he gave it to me before he died. He told me that as long as I have it, it would keep me safe. And things haven’t been perfect, but...when I look at what’s happened here, I have to believe that this thing is keeping me safe and got me rescued and got y’all not to leave me behind.

Mara: Ellywick kinda smiles and puts their arm around Kenway’s shoulders and is like…

Ellywick: Well, I’m glad you have that coin there.

Sophie: So I think Lazza actually sleeps uneasy, just because she was hoping to have some sort of contact with her ancestors by having this big, important thing.

Credence: Right. Also I think we’re taking turns doing the watch and stuff.

Sophie: Yeah, yeah. And as Ellywick is by the fire, gently playing the pan flute, Lazza kind of drifts off to sleep, and…

Mara: Joke’s on her, Ellywick’s bewitching them! No. [GIGGLES]

Sophie: So as Ellywick is playing the lute—

Mara: [FAKE-ANGRILY] PAN FLUTE.

Sophie: Pan flute, pardon me…

Mara: They don’t HAVE their lute!

Sophie: No they don’t.

Mara: Wonder who did that.

Sophie: Yeah, well… Probably God. So, Ellywick is playing their pan flute and Lazza is drifting off to sleep, and actually, in your restless dreams that night, Lazza, you hear the pan flute in your dreams, which is probably unsettling. But actually, at one point, and I think probably Lazza doesn’t know her musical instruments very well, but at some point, it changes.

[GENTLE HARP MUSIC]

Sophie: Instead of the light, airy sound of a pan flute, it turns into this beautiful, melodic strumming noise, and it sounds like strings being plucked. And it’s harp music. And the dream suddenly becomes very vivid. You don’t really see much of anything, it’s mostly colors and shapes and feelings, and you hear this harp music, and in the midst of this vision, you hear voices whispering… This cacophony of different voices, which, normally, I think when you hear your ancestors, it’s maybe two or three voices intermixed, very few, but this is all your ancestors are all reaching out to you at once with one phrase, three words.

“Trust the harper.”

Credence: This is really cool…!

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: But wouldn’t it be “harpist”…?

Sophie: Nope.

Credence: Okay.

Sophie: “Trust the harper.” The voices swell a little bit, and maybe you hear one voice in particular that’s like, [VICIOUSLY] “Trust the harper!” And you wake up with a start.

Lazza: Ah!

Sophie: And Ellywick is still playing the pan flute, and I think…

Mara: I think they kind of look over, though, like…

Sophie: Yeah, like, Ellywick stopped playing the pan flute and is like, “You okay?”

[LAUGHTER]

Lazza: What the hell is a “harper”?!

Ellywick: You know, I’m not too familiar with harps. That’s not my bag. But I think a harper is someone who makes the harps.

Lazza: [GROGGILY] Okay… I’m gonna go scout for a little bit.

Credence: I think Lazza wants to get away from this music as quickly as she can, ‘cause she’s a little disconcerted that something that felt like it was involving her ancestors got mixed up in the music of a bard. ‘Cause now she’s not sure if she was bewitched or not, I guess.

Sophie: Okay! Sure.

Ellywick: Have a good patrol!

Lazza: [GRUNTS]

[LAUGHTER]

[OUTRO — THEME MUSIC]

#DnD #dnd 5e

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Ep.2 Transcript

Ep. 2 Transcript: Alpine Escape - Chapter Two.

Begin:

Opening theme:

[THEME MUSIC — WRITTEN FOR THE SHOW BY SOPHIE]

[RECAP]

Sophie: It’s a frigid night in the mountains, and we see a group of assorted humanoids — humans, elves, dwarves and other, less common races — huddled together for warmth inside dome cages made of sturdy wood. Rugged and cruel-looking orcs patrol the spaces between the cages as well as the rest of the land between a tall stone keep that the orcs have occupied for some time. In the bowels of the keep, a half-orc named Lazza packs her bags and initiates a daring plan to cover her escape.

Kenway: Thanks...thanks for your stories. Yeah I, uh, I think they’re really helping everyone.

Ellywick: Well thanks.

Kenway: What’s your name?

Ellywick: My name is Ellywick Faelover Wandfidget the Ambiguous.

Kenway: Uh, my name is Kenway. I, uh…do you really think someone is going to come for us? If...if we do get saved, don’t leave us behind, okay?

Mara: Fuck. Oh man! [LAUGHING]

Sophie: How do you respond to that?

Credence: No pressure!

Mara: Right?

Lazza: I could use a distraction. Are you good in a fight?

Defiance: Is this to be some sort of a jailbreak, then?

Lazza: I was just wanting to get away. You could do whatever the hell you want with the kids, but… I wasn’t really thinking on having extra baggage… Ah, fuck it… I’ll chop out the kids while you make a ruckus. Okay. Alright. Oh! And, uh… Hey, if we live through this, I’m Lazza.

Defiance: It is a pleasure to meet you, Lazza. I’m Defiance.

Sophie: There’s, like, an orc on the battlement… Yeah, not only do you hit this orc, but you fuckin’, like, this thing gets hit right in the head with this glowing, like, bolt, and its head snaps back and it falls backwards, not off the battlement, but backwards onto the battlement. They’re preparing for a siege, they think they’re under attack.

Joe: Oof!

[END RECAP]

[THEME MUSIC]

Announcer: This show is part of the trans podcaster visibility initiative.

Sophie: Uh… Okay! Back to Lazza now. Defiance has just kind of skirted off into the night, um, and the villagers are starting to pour out and kind of work on...the other cage. What do you do?

Credence: The one with the…?

Sophie: The one with the elves.

Credence: Okay. And are any of them headed towards, um, the path...that I indicated? ‘Cause, like, 40 people trying to undo a cage is gonna be noticed.

Sophie: Yeah, that’s fair! Maybe like half of ‘em start to undo the cage and — it was 40 including the children and everything…

Credence: Right, but that’s still a lot of people.

Sophie: Yeah, there’s like, 20 adults, maybe like 25, and...we’ll say about half of ‘em kinda work together to undo the cage and they’re pulling it apart — which they’re not having huge success with, but it’s slow-going, but they are doing it — and the other half are heading down the path that you indicated.

Credence: Okay, um… So, I’m gonna...sneak over to the kids’ cage, um…

Sophie: ™ kids, like ™ cage...

[CROSSTALK AND MUFFLED BREATHY LAUGHTER]

Credence: Um… [ROLLS DICE] Well… [NERVOUS CHUCKLE] That is a one.

[SNORTING AND CRINGING “OOH”]

Sophie: I think that, ah… Y’know, again, you’re able to get the cage open with your axe, but you make a lot of noise doing it. To the point—

Credence: Well, here, here — narratively, I have an idea. When the tremors start, Lazza just freaks out. She’s just like, “Holy shit!”

[SNORTING]

Sophie: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Um, I think...you hear the noises from the castle and everything and I think that Lazza freaks out and — again, I don’t think that you’re unable to get this cage open, I think what happens is just that you’re freaking the fuck out and you’re making a lot of noise and maybe even roaring a little bit, as you’re tearing this down, you’re making like a [ROARING YELLING NOISE]! You scare the shit out of the kids!

Mara: I think Ellywick kinda like, pulls their hood back and is like, “You think you could be a little quieter?!” [LAUGHS]

Lazza: [FRANTICALLY AND LOUDLY] Listen! [CLEARS THROAT AND LOWERS VOICE AGAIN] You’re a weird-looking kid…

Ellywick: [IN IRRITATION] I’m not a kid! I’m a gnome! Thanks!

Lazza: [IN A COMBINATION OF FLUSTERED SURPRISE AND DISCRIMINATORY SUSPICION] Oh—! OH…

[EVERYONE ERUPTS INTO LAUGHTER]

Lazza: [FLUSTERED] Look, um…! The…! The strange orc is doing magic! And! Look! I — do you wanna get outta here or not?!

Ellywick: [SHIFT IN DEMEANOR] I… Uh, yeah! How can I help?

Lazza: Ahh, j-just— c’mon, bring the kids…! Ah, FUCK. See that path?

Credence: [ASIDE] I point out the path again.

Ellywick: Yeah?

Lazza: I just need you to get the kids to the path and give ‘em to the...give ‘em off to the humans, you just… Uhh… Yeah! Just get…! Going that way!

Mara: Okay, and I think I kind of, like, round up all of the kids with the help of Kenway and — I know all their names by now and I’m like, “Timmy, Bobby, Susie, Kenway, let’s go!” Like… [LAUGHS]

Sophie: And I think, actually, as you’re doing it, Kenway is kind of looking at Lazza and kind of grabs Ellywick’s hand quick and tries to pull you down the path as well.

Mara: Mhmm.

Sophie: And kind of looks at you and is like, definitely scared of Lazza a bit, but is looking at you, Ellywick, and looking like, “Don’t...don’t leave us!”

Ellywick: I, erm… Look, kid, you’ll be safe with the adults, I just… I can help, and remember those heroes that I told you about? Kinda one of them sometimes.

Kenway: Promise me you’ll come.

Mara: R-right now? Come back? I dunno what you’re asking me! [NERVOUS CHUCKLING]

Sophie: I thought you were making a sex joke.

Mara: Nooooo!

Sophie: Well, I wouldn’t put it past you!

Credence: [FAUX MIFFED] It’s a child, Sophie!

Sophie: I-I’m the one playing the child! Mara’s the one playing the fucking pervy gnome!

Mara: Yeah but they’re not gonna perv on some kids! They have standards!

Sophie: Well I should hope so! But yeah, no…

Kenway: Promise me you’ll follow.

Ellywick: I’ll b— I’ll be back in a little bit, don’t worry about me!

Sophie: Okay, yeah, he runs off.

Mara: Okay. I, um… What do I see, I guess? What’s…

Sophie: Ah, you wanna make a perception roll?

Mara: Sure.

Sophie: We’ll get you rolling some dice.

Mara: [ROLLS DICE] Ugh! Uuuuhhhh, that is...a four!

Sophie: ‘Kay. You see kind of the only obvious things here — you see this big-ass fuckin’ orc that’s starting to walk away, and… What is Lazza doing right now, actually?

Credence: Um. I think Lazza is going over to help with the elf cage, ‘cause like…

Sophie: I think Lazza’s just like, “We needed to get out of here, like, five minutes ago!”

Credence: Mhmm.

Sophie: Like, “The sooner you all leave, the better.”

Credence: Mhmm.

Sophie: Okay! Yep. That makes sense from a character choice standpoint. Okay, so that’s...but you don’t really intuit anything about the situation.

Mara: Okay. Uuuuuuumm…! I think I’m gonna go and try and help out just with getting the, ah, I guess the elf cage.

Sophie: Okay. Ah, do y’all wanna make another stealth roll? Lazza?

Credence: Yeah. [ROLLS DICE]

Mara: Should I, too?

Sophie: I think Lazza’s the one hacking it apart.

Mara: Alright.

Credence: Well, I got a 10.

Sophie: Yeah, again, I think that this happens very loudly, but at the same time, you know, I think probably the earth is still shaking a little bit and there’s tons of commotion inside the keep, and I just don’t think that there’s a huge amount of people looking for exactly what’s happening. You know? They’re probably not overly concerned with their prisoners, they’re looking for an incoming army. So, I think they probably don’t notice, but at the same time, it’s very loud and you’re probably filled with anxiety over that.

Ellywick: Stealth, uh, isn’t really your strong suit, huh?

Lazza: Well actually, I’m proficient in it, it’s just, uh, I’m nervous.

[SOFT CHUCKLING]

Ellywick: I, ah… I’ll believe it when I see it, I guess! I… So what’s the plan? What’re we doing?

Lazza: Uh… Well, I haven’t really thought much...past this… Um… I mean, like—

Ellywick: [FLABBERGASTED] Let me get this straight — you decided you were gonna free all of us and then just, I don’t know, let what happens happen?!

Lazza: [FLUSTERED] Well, I just…! I needed...I needed a distraction, I needed to get out of here! So like, look, I mean…

Ellywick: [SCOFFS]

Lazza: [STAMMERING] I don’t know! I’m making it up as I go! Just, ah… Look, the strange orc is making a...quite a bit of ruckus over there. So we need to...get going! And just start running! Or, you know…! I didn’t think this through!

Sophie: I think as you are literally shouting “I didn’t think this through,” Defiance comes running, like jogging straight up and is like, “Back! Strange Orc is back!~”

Lazza: Okay! Strange Orc! [STUTTERING] Do you have any ideas?! What do we do?!

Ellywick: Wait! What’s your name? You’ve gotta have a name other than “Strange Orc.”

Defiance: Oh! Erm… My name is Defiance.

Ellywick: Pleased to meet you! Orc, what’s your name?

Lazza: [ANXIOUSLY] I— Look, I’m Lazza, but we really gotta go, and I think we should make a beeline—

Credence: And she points to, like, another...path that’s really hidden, like not really… I think she has another means of escape besides the path she told the prisoners to go down so that she wouldn’t be tracked with them.

Mara: Yeah…

Credence: So she’s like—

Lazza: Look, look! It’s great to get to know y’all, but we gotta GO.

Mara: Ellywick’s—

Ellywick: [HUFFY] Well, I promised the kid I would be back, so I gotta go that way, but uh, [VERY FAST AND VERY EXCITED] I’m Ellywick Faelover Wandfidget the Ambiguous, it was nice to meet ya!

Mara: And that’s kinda as they’re running away.

Defiance: [SOFTLY] Li-like...wise…?

Mara: [CHUCKLING]

Defiance: Lazza, you go down your path. I’ll catch up.

Lazza: [STUTTERS]

Defiance: I think just a bit more chaos is needed.

Mara: And Ellywick kinda, like, whips around and is like, “Chaos?~”

Lazza: Well, yeah, that’s the whole point, we’re trying to make a distraction, but it’s no good if you both end up dead! Like, look, I…! You know what? Damn it!

Defiance: [BEMUSED BUT EARNEST] It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine.

Ellywick: [DEVIOUSLY] I got a trick or two up my sleeve if they catch us.

Credence: I feel like… I feel like Lazza would have...like, she’s already kinda got a kinship with Defiance just ‘cause she likes the strange orc with purple skin! Like, look, that’s rad! Your teeth are growing out of your head though, that’s super weird.

Joe: [LAUGHING]

Credence: But…

Joe: I’m sorry.

Credence: I feel like she’s a little bit more mistrustful of Ellywick ‘cause she doesn’t know what to expect from her?

Mara: Them.

Credence: Sorry. Them. And…

Joe: That’s fair.

Credence: I’m just trying to figure out if Lazza would stay? Do you know what I mean?

[CHORUS OF HUMMED AGREEMENT]

Sophie: I’ll tell you, as a narrator, like, y’all can do what you want, but you kind of have a moral, ethical choice — either you can abandon these villagers, who will probably be captured and killed by the orcs if they don’t have someone to lead them through the forest, and who will probably die of exposure even if the orcs don’t catch up with them, and you can go on your own...or you can go with them and kind of try to ensure their survival. And I think that’s a conversation that the three of you need to have. That’s something that your characters need to work through.

Credence: Right. ‘Cause like, right now, where Lazza is, she’s just focused on “she needs to get out.” She doesn’t have the perspective right now to realize, “You’re going to leave all these people for dead if you don’t go with them.”

Sophie: Right, absolutely.

Joe: Mhmm.

Credence: She doesn’t have that, like, perspective right now. She can’t think through that ‘cause she’s currently worried about herself.

Joe: Right.

[INDECIPHERABLE CROSSTALK]

Joe: I was, ah… I was gonna have Defiance kind of explain that, just in general.

Mara: Mhmm.

Joe: I’ll do a little, like — I’ll do a character voice.

Defiance: Listen! Lazza, I know you’re scared! But the thing is I need to stay behind just a little bit more so those villagers have a little bit more time to get out of sight, because one or two of us can more easily sneak away than a whole group. But those people also need some guidance.

Ellywick: And I don’t know these woods so well. I made a promise to a kid though, so… You seem like you know this area pretty well, orc.

Lazza: Yeah, I do. I just…

Defiance: Listen. I swear to you by my gods, I will catch up to you. But please, make sure that those people are safe. Can you do that for me?

Lazza: Yeah. Look, if we’re gonna have that much… If we’re gonna have all these folks here, they’re gonna need to be able to defend themselves. Doesn’t matter how much I bring ‘em through the forest or how good my tracking skills are in trying to get us away, we’re gonna have to defend ourselves eventually. So, uh… I guess I’m… We’re gonna need some weapons.

Defiance: Aye. Do you know of any of the nearby villages here? There might be a few blacksmiths, or, if you think that it would be wise, we could try to steal some from the orcs here, but I think that it might be a fool’s errand. We might just get ourselves killed.

Lazza: Well, uh...depends on how good you can make a… How good the rest of your distractions are. As far as they know, I’m still one of them.

Credence: So...I guess what I’m figuring here is that Lazza would try to… Is the keep completely locked down now, Sophie?

Sophie: Yeah, the keep is completely locked down, they’re preparing for seige. There’s one orc that’s running around outside right now, and...actually, hmm, I should’ve had you do this but I didn’t think of it. But since you all are going this route, make a retroactive perception check, probably just Defiance.

[DICE ROLLING]

Joe: Oh, just me? Oh, okay. Uh, 14.

Sophie: I think you saw this, then… You saw some shit fall. Because of your Guiding Bolt, when that got hit, that whole area got illuminated, and you saw the things, basically, that that orc was holding… He saw the light, and he leaned over a little bit and then he dropped ‘em and he got shot backwards by your Guiding Bolt. But some things were dropped off the battlements, and then there’s one orc running around outside too.

Joe: Alright.

Sophie: Trying to find a way in unsuccessfully.

Defiance: Well, at least we know where there might be a few weapons, at the very least.

Lazza: Where?

Defiance: I see you’ve got that nice big axe of yours… Over right by the battlement, I think there’s an orc outside and I think the one that I hit lost some of his stuff.

Lazza: Ah… Alright. Hey, gnome…you, uh—

Ellywick: [FIRMLY] I have a name! I have six!

Lazza: Ah...yeah… Uh...E-Ellywhistle? Is that it?

[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

Ellywick: It’s Ellywick!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

Lazza: [EMBARRASSED] Uh… Okay, uh…

[INTERMISSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: What’s up, dungeoneers? This is Sophie Lastnameredacted here with your commercial break that I know is everyone’s favourite part of the episode, but we have to do it because I said so! I have got three things again that I wanna tell you about quick.

One is that we are offering real live advertising… [FUMBLES WORDS] slots on the show. I can talk. Um, real live advertising slots on the show. So if you have a podcast, or an Etsy shop, or a webcomic, or anything that you wanna get advertised, we can help you out! Slots start at just $5/episode, so they are pretty cheap and you can hit us up about that pretty much wherever you wanna contact us. We’re pretty easy to get a hold of. There’s information on your cover art.

Next thing I want to mention is our Patreon. We have three different levels currently. The first is a $1 level, where you get access to some bonus content; that includes pictures of the cast, that includes...how do you wanna say...stat sheets, that includes some character bios, some player bios, just some interesting stuff that we think it is… You know, it’s not needed, per se, to enjoy the show, but it’s cool if you’re into that sort of thing!

So at the $10 level, which is the next one up, you get early episodes. So basically you get the episodes a week early, no fuss, no muss, you’re just the first one at the water cooler to know about it.

And then at the $15/month level, you are basically part of our inner circle, our absolute best friends, and because you’re our best friends, we’re gonna send you gifts! Once or twice a year! Basically how it’s gonna go is starting in June, we’re gonna — all of our $15/month Patrons, we’re gonna send out gifts, and it could be anything! We’re looking at potentially some pride-themed colored dice, we’re looking at mugs with the show kind of logo on ‘em, the cover art, we’re looking at just all sorts of cool merch, maybe some dice towers. Maybe a cool custom dice bag or dice chest or something. I’m actually a carpenter as a hobby, so there’s a chance that — probably not this first time but there’s a chance that eventually you might get something made for you specifically by me! I might go to my shop and crank out a couple of cool rewards. So basically, we want to thank you for being a supporter at that level, at our highest level, and we’re gonna do everything we can to make sure you get what you want. We’re even gonna cover shipping.

So basically, our Patreon link, the web address for it is on your cover art. Go check that out and hopefully you decide to support us! Even $1/month, folks, that is 50¢/episode. This is queer content with good representation. I think it’s… We’re talking, like, hour-long episodes pretty much, more or less — sometimes more, sometimes less — but I think that that’s worth 50¢/episode. I really do. I know that certain people have caps and how much they support, how much money they contribute to art and stuff like that a month, but really, I think that just about most people can swing $1/month, 50¢/episode. So. You know, I want to encourage you to all go check that out and consider it!

The next thing I want to talk to you about, and I promise we’re almost done and then we’ll get back to the...well, not the dungeon, but the, how do you wanna say, orc encampment — is the transcription project we have going on right now. I can’t transcribe all this audio by myself. I’m not that good at audio transcription, I’m really slow, and it’s a huge problem when it takes me days and days and days and days and days to transcribe audio, because that means that I can’t get ahead on other stuff, and when I can’t get ahead on other stuff, like editing audio, we risk having to release episodes late. Which is a huge problem, especially when we’re asking for Patrons. So if you are interested in accessibility and disability advocacy and stuff like that… I shouldn’t say “disability advocacy.” I know not all d/Deaf people consider being d/Deaf a disability. I apologize for that. But my point is if you care about accessibility at all, for people who communicate different and for people who, you know, need a different accommodation in this audio medium, like… You can help us! Get in contact with me through our email and I will share the Google Drive folder with you, and you’ll get access to the episodes sometimes two or even three weeks early! Sometimes maybe even more! With the understanding that you are helping us make transcripts. And if you don’t live up to that, then I will remove you from the people that it’s shared with. I’m not messing around. Please don’t screw with me here, okay? I really… I hope we don’t have any problems, I hope we don’t have anyone who just wants the episodes early and doesn’t care about accessibility and stuff like that. But I do need some help. I can’t do this by myself. Like I said, I’m just not that great at it. And it’s not that hard! You know, the idea — at least, in my mind — is that it...if our episodes are an hour long and we have ten people contributing to it, each person needs to only transcribe six minutes of audio. That’s not that much! That’s so much better than me doing an hour! So if you’re interested in helping out and making this accessible, I would really appreciate it if you would get in contact with me. And, you know, you’ll have my respect and admiration for that.

So yeah! That’s about all I have to say today. Next episode is gonna drop, as always, in two weeks. So I will see you then. Check out our Patreon and let’s get back to the adventure!

[END INTERCESSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Lazza: A-alright, Ellywick. You, uh… [STAMMERING] You good in a fight…? You wanna help me take down that guy? While, uh, while Defiance here keeps making some, uh, some ruckus?

Ellywick: I, ah… Yeah! Sure.

Sophie: Okay! Uh…

[INDECIPHERABLE CROSSTALK AND LAUGHTER]

Sophie: Defiance first, I’m assuming you’ll go up and try to find whatever was dropped?

Joe: Yeah.

Sophie: Okay, so… You find a—

Credence: Wait, wait, wait, wait. I’m sorry, I’m confused. I thought that the orc who’s running around is near the stuff that got dropped.

Sophie: I was just gonna say that they’re kind of in two different areas. Because Defiance had to return from being over in that separate area. Does that make sense? So the area that Defiance shot that Bolt from was a little ways away from where you all are now.

Credence: Okay, but they shot the Bolt up at the keep at the battlement and the...like, directly underneath would be the orc trying to get in, right?

Sophie: Uh...yeah, I imagined it as a different section of the battlement. Like, the battlement goes all the way around the outside of the keep.

Credence: Right. Okay. Sorry, um, I thought you were trying to indicate that we’d have to attack that orc to get at those weapons.

Sophie: Noooo, yeah, there’s two separate things going on. Okay! So we’ll resolve Defiance’s first. Defiance, I assume you go over there?

Joe: Yeah.

Sophie: Do you wanna make a stealth roll or do you wanna just kind of…?

Joe: Ummm… Sure, yeah, yeah. [ROLLS DICE] Aw, that’s only a 12.

Sophie: Uhhhhh… Yeah, that beats an orc’s passing perception, actually, so—

Joe: Phew!

Sophie: Yeah, they are not great. We’ll say that that’s good enough.

Credence: [SASSILY/SARCASTICALLY] Excuse you. Not all orcs.

[SNICKERING]

Sophie: Yeah, well…

Credence: Oh wow.

Sophie: Yeah.

Credence: I just used those words.

[LAUGHING]

Sophie: Yeah. Um… [SIGHS] So you go over there and you find a, kind of embedded in the ground as it’s very heavy and it fell from a great distance, but there is a warhammer.

Joe: Nice! Oh, I… I offer just a quick prayer of thanks ‘cause I feel like this is an omen.

Sophie: [LAUGHS HEARTILY]

Joe: What?! One of my gods, their symbol is a warhammer!

Sophie: Oh, really? Okay.

Credence: That’s pretty rad.

Sophie: That is pretty rad. Okay, and then I’ll assume you kind of make your way back with that same level of stealth. And then, Lazza and Ellywick, you kind of go up to this kind of screeching, really nervous orc — oh, I’m sorry, Defiance, did you want to make more distractions or something? Like, what were you gonna do?

Joe: Um, well I was gonna do is… I can actually cast thaumaturgy again, do more of the tremors, but also cast Burning Hands on… Are the cages really the only really wooden things around here? Is there also maybe, like, a stack of firewood somewhere?

Sophie: Um… I think that you can kind of drag the wicker into a pile, and I think that’ll work.

Joe: Mmkay! I’ll do that then. Catch it on fire.

Sophie: Okay! Cool! You do that. And those are the distractions — there’s more tremors and there’s a fire. So, Ellywick and Lazza, you walk up to this big motherfucker of an orc — he’s actually not that big of a motherfucker, he’s kind of a scrawny fucker…

Credence: Well, question. Would we get… If we tried sneaking up, could we maybe get an ambush kind of thing?

Sophie: Yeah, sure, if you wanna make stealth rolls.

Credence: What do you think, Ellywick?

Mara: Yeah! Sure!

[INDECIPHERABLE CROSSTALK]

Credence: [ROLLS DICE]

Mara: I’ve got a plan otherwise that can incapacitate him, so...even if we don’t successfully sneak, I’ve got something planned. [ROLLS DICE]

Credence: Well, I got an 18, finally, so. [HUFFED LAUGHTER]

Joe: Niiiiiice!

Mara: Uuuuuum…!~ I got...a 20. Ayyy!

Sophie: Okay! Uh, yeah! I think that you two actually sneak up on this guy fairly well and get a surprise round of combat.

Credence: Noice.

Mara: Nooooice.

Sophie: So roll initiative just so I know who’s going first.

Mara: [ROLLS DICE]

Credence: Okay, and initiative is our d—

Sophie: D20?

Credence: Yeah, but it’s like, plus decks? [ROLLS DICE]

Mara: 9.

Credence: I got 21.

Mara: Nice!

Sophie: Okay. Cool. So Lazza goes first, and then Ellywick, and then it’ll be Lazza again ‘cause you’ll get a surprise round. But uh… Let’s, Lazza, why don’t you make your attack roll or do whatever you’re gonna do?

Credence: [BREATHES DEEPLY] Okay, um, so… I think...I think I’m just gonna do, um… Sorry, I’m just trying to figure out, like, do I rage yet? Or… You know.

Mara: [LAUGHS SOFTLY]

Credence: But I think I’m gonna just do a...two-handed battle-axe swing at this guy.

Sophie: Okay, cool.

Credence: Soooo, let’s see… [ROLLS DICE] And that’s a 9! That did not work.

Mara: You tap him on the head.

Sophie: Is that a 9 plus whatever you’re supposed to add?

Credence: Um, well, I got a 3 and then…

Sophie: Oh, okay.

Mara: Oof-a-doof-a!

Credence: And then I get a plus 6.

Sophie: Okay. So I think that attack doesn’t really work. Uh, I think it’s dark and you’re still nervous and you miss.

Credence: I probably — the tremors freaked me out again, and I’m just like [SHOUTS IN SURPRISE WITH LAZZA VOICE], you know?

Sophie: Okay, Ellywick?

Mara: Ellywick is going to cast Tasha’s Hideous Laughter, so…

Joe: Oh, God…

Mara: “A creature of my choice that I can see within range perceives everything as hilariously funny and falls into fits of laughter if this spell affects it. The target must succeed on a Wisdom saving throw or fall prone, becoming incapacitated and unable to stand for the duration.” So you have to beat...13! [ROLLS DICE AND LAUGHS EVILLY]

Sophie: Yeah, that is…

Joe: Christ…

Sophie: What is that, a 6 or an 8? That’s 6. That’s a 6, plus 0 — that does not pass. This orc goes from screaming to laughing in the most horrible noise you’ve ever heard as it falls prone and drops all its shit and is just, as the spell said, incapacitated.

Mara: [CACKLES] Ah… Oh, wait, so he dropped the shit?

Credence: Was he holding, like, a weapon?

Sophie: Yeah, yeah, we’ll say he dropped the longsword he was holding.

Mara: Um, can I...as part of this turn, try and grab it, or…?

Sophie: Yeah, sure.

Mara: Okay. Should I roll stealth?

Sophie: Just make a dex check. Sleight of Hand, I think.

Mara: Okay, Sleight of Hand, okay. [ROLLS DICE] 15!

[INDECIPHERABLE CROSSTALK]

Joe: That sword’s about as big as you are.

Sophie: Yeah.

Mara: [PROUDLY] Yeah. [LAUGHS]

Sophie: Yeah, that’s good enough. Okay, so you picked up this sword. What do you do?

Mara: I’m gonna stash it for now.

Sophie: Okay. And I think Lazza’s top of the order.

Credence: Okay, Lazza is now SCREAMING. And just points at—

[HEARTY LAUGHTER]

Credence: Just, like…

Lazza: [SCREAMING] What did you…?! What did you do?! What the hell are you?! [FRANTIC STAMMERING] What did you do?!

Ellywick: [SURPRISED] I can use magic!

Lazza: Oh, dear GOD!

[MORE LAUGHTER]

Ellywick: Thanks!

Lazza: [INDECIPHERABLE PANICKED FRAGMENTS] Can you make him stop?! It’s just, it’s terrifying!

Ellywick: I, ah, I mean… It’s kinda, if he’s gonna nut up and get over it at this point…

Joe: I mean, you could just kill him.

Ellywick: Yeah, that would probably be the easiest way would just be to strike him down.

Mara: And I think Ellywick’s kinda looking up at Lazza and just blinking, like, “Your move.”

Lazza: I just… Fuckin’ magic users.

Credence: And then she just swings her axe two-handed and just goes through this dude’s neck.

Sophie: Okay, I think that you have advantage on an attack roll.

Mara: Yeah, ‘cause he’s prone.

Credence: Yeah, ‘cause he’s prone. Okay. [ROLLS DICE] Good, ‘cause that was another FUCKING 3. [ROLLS DICE] And that is a 23!

[CHEERING AND WHOOPING]

Credence: So then I roll one D10 plus four?

Sophie: Yep!

Credence: Um… Lemme see here… [ROLLS DICE] Alright, I got a seven plus four, so 11.

Sophie: Yeah, you cleanly decapitate this orc.

Mara: I think Ellywick looks kind of horrified.

Sophie: And I think, probably, you do a cool Obi/Ani twirling your axe around first and then “HWAHHH!” with that.

Joe: Nice!

Credence: I think that with this, Lazza looks so much more relaxed.

Mara: Oh God!

Credence: After having cleanly — she’s full of this rage because she does not like magic all that much, ‘cause like… She’s just way more calm now that she’s just like… And there’s a little bit of blood spatter on her hands and maybe up on her face and she’s just kind of like, gives a slightly serene smile with her eyes looking off into the distance a little. [DESCENDS INTO LAUGHTER]

Mara: Ellywick just kinda looks up at Lazza and is like…

Ellywick: I…! I didn’t mean take his head off!

Lazza: Well it made me feel better. This guy was a jerk.

[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

Ellywick: Fair enough! Now what?

Lazza: Well, check his pockets.

Mara: Yeah, we check his pockets.

Sophie: You loot the body. We’ll say that you all find 6GP total, which you can split two ways or three ways depending on how you wanna be.

Mara: I mean, I don’t care.

Credence: I mean… That’s pocket change to Lazza, ‘cause she’s used to raiding a lot more than that.

[CROSSTALK]

Mara: So Ellywick’s gonna pocket that, then.

Sophie: Okay.

Credence: And we can divvy up all of our money later if we’re gonna use it. What else is on him?

Sophie: Well, there was the longsword that y’all already took… I think that’s probably about it. This was not exactly a well-equipped raider. I think Defiance returns to you all and you say whatever it is that you say.

Defiance: Well, it looks like the gods have smiled on the both of us! Got myself a nice warhammer, got — dear God, it’s as big as you are!

Ellywick: [SOFTLY, BUT WITH PASSION] Yeah! [REGULAR VOLUME] To be honest, I much prefer daggers, but uh… Here we are.

Sophie: So you all have an ethical dilemma now, which I believe you solved, but it’s time to shit or get off the pot with it — do you go after Kenway and the rest of the villagers or do you go down a different path, so to speak?

Mara: Ellywick does.

Joe: Yeah, I’ll say…

Defiance: Well, should we catch up with the villagers, then?

Ellywick: Yeah.

Lazza: Well...yeah.

Credence: And Lazza’s kinda like, she’s holding… She has a pouch around her neck that holds the stones she uses to commune with her ancestors. She’s holding it a little bit, fidgeting with it nervously and is like…

Sophie: I think there’s a chill wind blows as you’re fidgeting with these and trying to make you decision, and you hear some voices that have guided you well in your life that you typically feel rather compelled to follow, and all they say is, “Follow them.”

Mara: I think Ellywick kinda looks up at Lazza and says…

Ellywick: [CHEERFULLY] Come on, Llama!

Lazza: Okay, that’s...that’s fair.

[BURST OF LAUGHTER]

Lazza: Yeah. Okay. Alright. Fuck it, let’s do this!

Sophie: You all quickly make your escape and head down the dark wooded path, and before you catch up with the rest of the villagers, you see a familiar fresh face — and Kenway, as he smiles at you and says…

Kenway: [BEAMING] I knew you all wouldn’t let us down!

Sophie: Credits.

[CHEERING]

Mara: Yay, we did it!

Credence: We did it!

Joe: Yay!

Credence: And I got to decapitate somebody in the first episode!

Joe: Nice!

Mara: I got to use a really awesome spell that I’ve never used before! That was fun!

Credence: Yeah, and like, can you blame Lazza though for freaking the fuck out?

[OUTRO — THEME MUSIC]

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