#laudanumposting

[chasdesvoeux]

Cont. @ltgeorgehodgson @lieut-dundy-le-vesconte

george iss nothing to do with youu its not your fault, ivebeern fighting it for near a decade now sinxe they signed the damned treaty of nanking. thhinking of either of you is easier when i can fhink at all but thinking at all is so painfuk i can hardly bear it its so loud and so much and so awful , and fhey told me the medicine would hemp me sleep but fhey didnf say it would dig into me deep and they sidnt say it would call to me rvery moment and they didnf say that while it was dulling the pain it was making the source of itworse.. you and dundy atrnt responsible for my poor behvaior at all, ktsmy own weakness anf mg own faikure od judgmenr

[chasdesvoeux]

>falling onto his knees in the snow, holding his head in his hands

oh I’m sorry ltieuannt.. i know i shoudkntve.. with the artciles n all n with whatevers happening with… everyone. i just have to do sometbing all the time or it gets tooloud.. i know dr goodsiris very mad at me and I’ve evern been slacking off at doing fuckall but if i stop doing things includinf fuckall it gets so so loud and wont stop..

>tugging off one glove after another and putting his hands flat on the ice just for a moment before puffing the gloves back on

im sorfy lieutenant im sorry i keep doing things like it isnf me and fhen only remember when i realize i shoukdntve done fhem.. tthry told me rhe drops would hellp with sleep wehn i came home the firdt time but fhey also made it quiet.. soi keep taking then and dr goodsiris very uoset with me and i cant remember half of what i do or why i do it and when simehow i do i regret it because i don’t know what i feel about it

>tries to stand up again but gets a headache and sits down holding his head again

ijusf want to talk to the captain and dr peddie i know they wil know what to do and they theyll they will sort it out and imsure we havee more in storage. ii cafre about both of you lituebabts but i cant tbink proper when its quiet and i start doing strange things i dontknow but if i want to be normal and if i want to think like me about any of this it has to get loud again and then i start having nifhtmares and im. Scared all the tine surely you know what i mean dundy..

cont. @chasdesvoeux @lieut-dundy-le-vesconte

whoops..! mind yourself there, charlie, steady now.

gently taking hold of him to steady him.

listen.... I wanted to ask you. I'm not angry, but... did you, er... were you with lieutenant fairholme today?

[chasdesvoeux]

Cont (a) @lieut-dundy-le-vesconte + (b) @ltgeorgehodgson

>standing up with the help of the lieutenants, not registering the suggestion to return to Erebus right away

I want to talk to captain crozier and dr goodsir and mr jopson,, and i should talk fo captain fifzjamies… i eaas using my own but fheb i ran out so i fook some of it from mr goodsir and he’s cery mad at ne and so is his apprentice i need to talk to them..

>looking imploringly at Dundy, his eyes somewhat glassy

if if i if i sstay on erreebus how willi talk to the others, would captain fitzjamie send a mesage for me? would she do tbat lieutenant willyou ask her pleaase il do anything

>looking over at Hodgson but not making eye contact, reaching for his hand before dropping his own shaking fingers

ii am sirry lieutenant im teribly sorry georrge i knnow ive ruined eevvrdything i don’t want to and fhen i forget i did but then its still my ffault and i keep doijg it and then forgetfing i dojt i dont know what’s happening but i knnoow yoiud be happier if idnot gone and spoiled everyrhubf and im sorry im sorry

>already having become distracted and forgetting momentarily that Hodgson suggested returning to Erebus

if what what if we what if we g go baxj to erebus we c an maybe maybe we can maybe we can seend for dr giodsir andmr jopson if thryere not too busy taking care of the fcaptin..

[chasdesvoeux]

on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the highest how much pain are you in right now? *standing over cdvs bunk in the gloom with a clip board and paper*

guh.. 7 i can’t think

[chasdesvoeux]

should probably stp w the laudianm but i hage trued and tried 😔

[chasdesvoeux]

thank you cPtain crozier i wull certainly try to rteaxh out and get through this.. I don’t kike to be a bufxdn on liturannt hodgson but George I wiukd be grafeduk for your company alk the same

help me please i can’t stop thiniing about the sybstances help me please captain I don’t mean to steal dromdr goodsur but i cant hemp it you must understand caltain -cdv

I. Shuddenstand completely Me. Des Vouex.

As you a cna see I am myself tragying to get over the due of thtese damned subtandtances but mother of a bbat winged bitch can I foking thype

It’s hard. Reach out to somenone Mr DessVouszx. You wail need help if uouj truly want to rid yourself off the dpepencdece.

Talk to hodsgon. When he’s not stikc Ing his dick in every blokke who comes thekough his doir he’s a damn fine lietuentant and a damn fine man. Trust him. Hee can hellpl you. @ltgeorgehodgson pleaase mindly lokk agter Mr ses vouex @chasdesvoeux while I am unable ton spekaking or think clearly. Good man

[chasdesvoeux]

(continued from the events of this post and the anon ruffling around in CDV's desk, @ltgeorgehodgson @lieut-dundy-le-vesconte)

>The drawer in Charlie's desk contains a tidy little black diary with entries becoming increasingly messy and difficult to interpret up to the present day. The recount of yesterday's events is entirely unreadable due to the poor penmanship and odd wording, and the current day's entry (in very, VERY shaky handwriting) reads:

Last night, fell on ice walking to Terror with Lt. Hen. LV and Lt. Geo. H. Geo. staying with me on Erebus while (hopefully) I recover. D very kindly asking Thos. J. for advice, information on what to do. When able will have to apologize to Drs Goodsir, Peddie; App. Ash for using up stores. Cap. C. responded to message with helpful words, if daunting.

Very grateful to have Lts help always. Hen. often difficult to read, can seem pressed, but likely understands, sympathizes with my affection for him. Much like brothers at home.

Geo. hard to speak with. Lovely to speak to. Hope to be open when possible. Thinking too hard on feelings for Geo. especially uncomfortable, hard to put to paper or words while as I am.

Once through it, must speak to Geo., Hen. honestly about all. Fear Geo. feels inadequate or unworthy of care. Hen. seems apprehensive about showing affection. Current circumstances, crew, myself all contribute, likely.

Forgot to dispose of laudanum when returning to cabin. Foolish, weak but unable to hold against. Will ask Drs to dispose of, remove bottle to avoid future temptation. Feel several ways of terrible now. Have surely let Geo., Hen. down and brought more work on them.

At least not having made Lt. before departure, not terribly straining crew, other Lts. with indisposition. Cap. C. in more difficult position, but better for working it anyway.

Difficult to find things to do when hands shake, eyes unfocused, etc.; hopefully symptoms subside soon. Would be sooner without falling back today. Will get thru either way with Geo., Hen. help.

Oct. 26, 184-

>After the writing is finished on the page, there are several simple, shaky drawings of first a bottle, then the sundogs over Erebus, then Lt. Hodgson. Chas himself is lying uncomfortably in his bunk trying to relieve the pain caused by the sudden absence of the medicine, not quite asleep or awake.

[chasdesvoeux]

imrhe bigger bitch they frogto to take away the lauduanum and I am weak and oathetic Mr goodsirpleaae come take it from me

Stuck in the arctic AND im going thrugh puberty. Could this day get any worse? 😑

[chasdesvoeux]

this shit hardd

day 1 no laundam this shit easyy

>spent hours of the day pondering laudanum

[chasdesvoeux]

spleeeenid lituenants lead the way (almost falls backward going up the ladder onto the deck) i have. A teribke headache and my hands are shaking perhaps it is ghrcold 😇

Cont. @ltgeorgehodgson @lieut-dundy-le-vesconte

if you litueannts are going to terror can I come with I want to talk to captain crozier and dr peddie and mr goodsir and mr jopson abt something

[chasdesvoeux]

mr goodsir is that you.?

on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the highest how much pain are you in right now? *standing over cdvs bunk in the gloom with a clip board and paper*

guh.. 7 i can’t think

[chasdesvoeux]

soooner ro later it wont be a choice if we ryn out of the medicine, bur i want it to be a choice . and i shouldnt take such an important resource from the drs.. if i choose not to use it now i hope the process wont be so hopeless and daynting. it will be terrible either way bht i supoose id rsther have terrible now sith you and gortge by my side than terrible kater having out rverhone else at risk

Cont. @ltgeorgehodgson @lieut-dundy-le-vesconte

george iss nothing to do with youu its not your fault, ivebeern fighting it for near a decade now sinxe they signed the damned treaty of nanking. thhinking of either of you is easier when i can fhink at all but thinking at all is so painfuk i can hardly bear it its so loud and so much and so awful , and fhey told me the medicine would hemp me sleep but fhey didnf say it would dig into me deep and they sidnt say it would call to me rvery moment and they didnf say that while it was dulling the pain it was making the source of itworse.. you and dundy atrnt responsible for my poor behvaior at all, ktsmy own weakness anf mg own faikure od judgmenr

[chasdesvoeux]

oh thank you goerge.. id not call myself strong or brave so much as id call myself lucky to be by your side and have gour support.. please stay george we have. The extra cabjns to room you in pkease stay, on erebus

Cont. @ltgeorgehodgson @lieut-dundy-le-vesconte

george iss nothing to do with youu its not your fault, ivebeern fighting it for near a decade now sinxe they signed the damned treaty of nanking. thhinking of either of you is easier when i can fhink at all but thinking at all is so painfuk i can hardly bear it its so loud and so much and so awful , and fhey told me the medicine would hemp me sleep but fhey didnf say it would dig into me deep and they sidnt say it would call to me rvery moment and they didnf say that while it was dulling the pain it was making the source of itworse.. you and dundy atrnt responsible for my poor behvaior at all, ktsmy own weakness anf mg own faikure od judgmenr

[chasdesvoeux]

please George that would be lovely

day 1 no laundam this shit easyy

>spent hours of the day pondering laudanum

[chasdesvoeux]

who is that..

>tries to get up with legs shaking and cloth still covering eyes for the light and flops onto the floor instead

ouh ratrs..

muy head is kiling me.. mabyeb the laudanum is stil in here..

on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the highest how much pain are you in right now? *standing over cdvs bunk in the gloom with a clip board and paper*

guh.. 7 i can’t think

[chasdesvoeux]

nobarely anythginng just severeal drops eight its notmuch to drink at al 😊 ican make tbr walk liturnant

Cont. @ltgeorgehodgson @lieut-dundy-le-vesconte

if you litueannts are going to terror can I come with I want to talk to captain crozier and dr peddie and mr goodsir and mr jopson abt something