#later: vash huddled on the doorstep shivering watching the street lights come on

[dozenssporks]

A video from Meryl’s personal files

*Meryl is standing in front of a door looking up into the camera with a strangely bright, fixed smile*

meryl: Milly and I just met a big deadline and for once we get a couple days off! Life is good, right? We decided to have a little girl time, me and Milly. And Zazie. But that’s only because someone left a window open.

*meryl shrugs and makes an ‘I dunno’ face*

meryl: I argued they’re not qualified for girl time and they argued that they’re not not qualified for girl time. I gave up and made them a cocktail. Plus, they complimented my shoes which earns them points.

*moves the camera to show a shot of the designer heels she’s wearing*

meryl: they’re prada. Nice right? All this is to say that today has all the ingredients for a very nice day. A real change of pace. So the thing is . . .

*she closes her eyes for a moment and takes a deep, slow breath*

meryl: when you have a man classified as a natural disaster staying in your home you want to keep him outside of it as much as possible. So what do you do? Well, you need a few odds and ends so you send him for a little shopping trip. Nothing big. Milk, some laundry detergent, that sort of thing. You even write him a detailed list so there’s absolutely no confusion. And off he goes in his little red coat to present some money, take ownership of products, and return home in triumph. What could possibly go wrong?

*the smile drops and meryl takes a moment to pinch the bridge of her nose and take a few more deep breaths before continuing*

meryl: I mean, you certainly don’t expect to find him dying on your doorstep.

*meryl opens the door behind her and steps outside. Vash is laying in a tangle on the sidewalk in what appears to be a remarkably large pool of blood. It also appears that he had attempted to write something with the blood but only got as far as ‘it was’*

vash: meryl, meryl, I think they got an artery, avenge me meryl

meryl: yeah yeah. Don’t flail around I’m gonna step over you and if my shoes get dirty you’re a dead man.

vash: aren’t those the shoes that go with the little gray purse? Looking good.

*vash gives a feeble thumbs up*

meryl: don’t try and butter me up, mister. But thank you.

*the camera swoops around a little as meryl steps over vash and crouches down on the pavement, placing a half-full cocktail glass next to herself*

meryl: sooo, vash, what was it I asked you to do?

vash, faintly: go shopping?

meryl: and did you buy everything on the list?

vash: no . . .

meryl: what did you buy, mr. stampede?

vash: . . . two jugs of ketchup from the bulk section. they were on sale.

meryl, with brittle sweetness: and what happened after that, hm?

vash: haha, your sidewalk failed to meet safety standards?

meryl, dropping her smile and replacing it with a look of barely contained rage: you tripped on a beer can. A beer can you left out here last night. A beer can I told you to throw out last night before somebody tripped on it and hurt themselves. That beer can.

vash: yeah, that beer can.

meryl: which resulted in this ketchup carnage on the sidewalk, on the doorstep, the outside of the door, the windows--

vash, sadly: and me

meryl: we aren’t talking about you right now

vash, muttering: coulda fooled me

meryl, looking up as if at an invisible audience: look, look at this disaster man. Being around him inspires me to be a better person

*leaning forward to get her face as close to vash’s as possible without coming in contract with the ketchup, her voice lowering to a deadly growl*

meryl: but he also inspires me to take that stupid tie that always appears when he’s drunk, wrap it around his neck, and slowly strangle him to death with it

*whimpering from vash*

meryl, downing the rest of her cocktail: so what have we learned?

vash: that that color really suits your nails?

meryl: thanks, milly gave me a manicure. I’ll have to take them off before work but I’ll enjoy what I can when I can.

vash: it’s really the little things that make life so good.

meryl: unfortunately it’s the big things that waste my money and wreck havoc in my home. What happens now, mr. walking disaster, is that you’re going to take the hose, clean the sidewalk, clean yourself, and you are not allowed inside until you are tomato free and dry

vash: can I at least get a towel or something?

meryl, standing up and stepping over vash again: I’ll see how I feel after another drink. Another three drinks. And a facial.

vash: when you already have such lovely skin?

meryl: just get up off the ground and pretend like you’re a person and not an unfortunate incident!

*the camera swoops and shakes as meryl marches back inside and slams the door behind her. The video ends*