#lately I’ve been like. Hmm maybe I should not spend more than 2 semesters of college

[kittycatsasuke]

i think when I go home over summer break i will download tinder… sick of being alone for real 😐

[meltwonu]

| 𝔲𝔫𝔱𝔦𝔩 𝔦 𝔪𝔢𝔱 𝔶𝔬𝔲 |     [CHAPTER 5]     [FINAL]

pairing; fratboy!wonwoo x reader

this chapter’s notes; fratboy!wonwoo, dom!wonwoo, restraints, blindfolds, daddy!kink, dirty talk, sex toys, using panties as a gag, forced orgasms, squirting! 🥴💕oMG YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER WTF 😭😭😭 I just wanna say thank you so much for all the love and support you all have given me while writing Caffeine and Until I Met You I really cannot believe any of this… It’s crazy to me that you guys liked this fratboy wonwoo au so much… I really appreciate it! And expect some spin off chapters in the future! I already have 3 planned ☠️ Also, I mention it all the time but I never expect any of my fics to get this much love so every time I’m just shocked 😭 literally sitting here blushing just thinking about it 😭😭💕dfsdffds Also this is almost 4500 words so… strap in 😎🥴 Enjoy the last chapter, inbox roundup tmr and I love you so so so so much 💕

chapters; 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 COMPLETE

Wonwoo stares at himself in the mirror, lips pursed and brows furrowed.

“I don’t know.”

Mingyu and Minghao both sigh; the latter throwing his arms up in defeat when Wonwoo grimaces in the mirror’s reflection. “Hyung, you haven’t liked anything we dressed you in. Why don’t you trust us?”

Mingyu places his hands on Wonwoo’s shoulders - squeezing the padding in the blazer as he meets the older male’s stare in the mirror.

“This is a date, right?”

“I mean… Yeah? I guess?” Wonwoo mumbles, a little bit shy. “I just don’t want her to think I’m trying too hard. I’m not trying to propose to her, you know. Just trying to get in the foot in the door towards the right direction.”

Minghao steps forward, sighing and shaking his head.

“Yeah, that’s true. But also… Isn’t think your first, real, official date with her? Don’t you want it to be special?”

This time Wonwoo laughs at the pair's dramatics - already shrugging off the blazer as Mingyu’s hands fall from his shoulders.

“God, the two of you make it seem like I’ve never dated a day in my life.”

“Hyung, aren’t you also kind of acting like that yourself? You asked us to help you dress for it in the first place.”

A crimson flush paints Wonwoo’s cheeks at Mingyu’s words; lips pressing into a firm line as he avoids their shit eating grins.

Goddamn it.

“Whatever, just show me other outfits you guys have.”

Wonwoo tells you to meet him in front of the library at 10AM.

‘It’s somewhere familiar.’ He says.

You’d rolled your eyes but agreed - already standing in front of the familiar doors ten minutes earlier than your agreed meeting time.

Part of you was extremely giddy and excited and the other parts of you were nervous and anxious at what Wonwoo had planned for today.

‘Did you have any suggestions for our date?’

Wonwoo bites the inside of his cheek as he sends you the text - palms clammy as he sighs.

‘You should ask for her opinion, hyung. Let her know you value her!’ Mingyu had said.

Wonwoo knows that.

But he blames being away from home a little too long for his airheadedness about it all. Tells himself it’s because he was gone for so long that he doesn’t really know how to act anymore.

Deep down inside, Wonwoo knows it’s really just because you make his heart do backflips when you smile at him and he just never knows how to respond except by shooting you an awkward tight lipped smile of his own.

He’ll call you beautiful all day long and praise you until you beg him to stop but something about the candid moments in between the pleasure that are the moments that make him feel like he’s falling in love for the first time all over again.

But Wonwoo wouldn’t quite admit that to you right now.

‘What would your ideal date be, Wonwoo?’

He runs late by ten minutes.

Soft curses spill from his lips the entire time he jogs over - the flower bouquet in his clammy hand getting crushed slightly at the death grip he has on it.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry I’m late!”

Wonwoo rambles on about how Minghao wouldn’t stop chasing him with a bottle of hairspray but your shaking pupils can only focus on the poor bouquet of flowers being throttled in the midst of Wonwoo’s animated retelling.

“A--are those for m-me?” You whisper; cutting him off as his eyes flit down to his hand.

“O-oh, um, yes, f-for you…” He passes you the bouquet - a shy smile on his face when you take it from his hands.

He’d picked them out himself after deciding on his own that he wanted to do something special for you. 

Wanted it to mean something important.

“A dried flower bouquet?”

Wonwoo smiles sheepishly as he scratches the back of his head.

Was it too cheesy?

“They’re already dried so they’ll technically last forever now.”

You’re glad, for once, that you can manage to hold in the scream that almost escapes you when you look up to Wonwoo’s bespectacled face.

“O-oh… Thank you, Wonwoo.”

You want to learn about Wonwoo.

What he likes and dislikes and what he likes to do in his free time. You have a vague idea of it all, but you want to hear it from him directly. 

You want him to turn to you and openly talk to you like you’ve been lovers for much longer.

He holds your hand as he guides you through the museum, but he’s oddly quiet and aloof when you try to pull him into conversations.

“Wonwoo, I--”

“Hey look, it’s a Hannah Höch piece. She’s one of the artists that pioneered that collaging thing Mingyu likes to do.” You lose him again as he reads off a biography off the wall and you can’t help but furrow your brows at his back.

You’d ask him over lunch.

The two of you spend a good few hours at the museum.

Although, admittedly, you spend more of that time following Wonwoo around as he silently admires the pieces instead of talking to you.

But by the time lunch is rolling around, he walks you over to a small hole in the wall cafe; flowers adorning the entrance and large windows letting in the sunlight as the two of you sit in a small nook away from most of the other customers.

“So, I--”

“Wonwoo, can I ask you a question?”

He tilts his head in mild confusion at your perplexed tone. “Sure?”

It takes a few seconds of you opening and closing your mouth, unsure of where to start before you sigh.

“So… is this a date?”

Wonwoo scratches the back of his head, ears and cheeks hot as you stare back at him. “I just–I want to understand where we are, Wonwoo. Or what we are, I guess.”

There’s a sigh on his lips and out of nervousness, all he can do is readjust his glasses for the third time.

“I told you I was bad at this.”

He was nervous the entire time the two of you were at the museum and he didn’t know how to let you know so he just didn’t. 

He was hoping that he would’ve had the confidence like he usually did. 

“I’m sorry, I know, I--I should’ve tried talking but god, you make me so fucking nervous?” He laughs at his own shyness as he runs a free hand through his hair, fully messing up the styling that Minghao had painstakingly done.

“I make you nervous?”

Oh god.

“I--yeah. You really do.” He smiles genuinely at you before his shy eyes focus on the cup of coffee in front of himself. “I know it’s hard to believe, all things considered, but you really do and sometimes I don’t know how to handle myself so I just… Don’t. And I know it’s not fair and I’m super fucking aware I do it too, I just--I can be bad at words sometimes, I guess.”

You try to keep your cool as you nod; lips easing into a soft smile as you stare at Wonwoo dreamily.

You make him nervous.

Letting it go for now, you stir your drink; thinking of ways to get Wonwoo to be more talkative but not in a nervous, panicked way.

“Hey, why don’t you tell me about your semester abroad?”

That manages to do the trick as Wonwoo spends the rest of the lunch portion of your date telling you various anecdotes of his trip.

And you learn that other than the long lectures and midday naps, his eyes light up at the stories he tells you about when they were actually at the archeological dig sites.

“It was so interesting to see remnants of what used to roam the earth before we did and to see little artifacts of old cities. I could’ve spent all day out there just excavating.”

“D’you think you’ll go again if you get the chance?”

Wonwoo squeezes your hand as the two of you walk out of the little cafe - already heading towards the last destination that he’d picked out.

“It’d be nice to.” He grins cheekily at you. “But maybe next time we could go together?”

You end up having to take a taxi to get to the final location.

‘It’d be too far to walk for you, pretty baby~’ Wonwoo had cooed.

The car stops after about 35 minutes and while he pays the fare, you step out to read the sign in front of the large domed building.

‘Planetarium.’

“You okay, baby?”

“Hmm? Y-yeah! I’m just… Wow, I don’t think I’ve been here in… ever.” You laugh awkwardly as Wonwoo places a gentle hand on the small of your back.

“I thought it’d be nice and quiet. We could just... Enjoy each others’ company. And talk. Finally.”

The two of you are quiet when you walk in but Wonwoo tells the receptionist that he’s booked a private room which makes your cheeks warm up.

He’d definitely gone the extra mile.

The two of you are led to a smaller room - just enough to fit ten or so people except it’s only you and Wonwoo once the receptionist shuts the door and leaves you be.

“Shall we?” You nod as you take a seat in one of the recliners; setting your things down into the seat next to you as Wonwoo takes the seat on your other side. The two of you get comfortable as you stare up into the projected night sky - only the buzzing of the projectors in the small room filling up the silence as you start to relax.

Wonwoo reaches for your hand in the darkness and you feel yourself jolt in surprise when he tugs you a little closer to himself.

“Have you ever heard the story of the sun and moon?”

“Hmm? Which one? Aren’t there a lot?”

He closes his eyes, sighing softly as he relaxes in the darkness.

“It’s that old story about how the Sun loved the Moon so much that he died for her every night so that she could breathe. He thought she was so beautiful when she’d glow but the Moon knew their fates were decided in different paths. So the Sun would see her in passing, short glimpses, right before he disappeared beyond the horizon. It’s a romantic story about sacrifice and star crossed lovers.”

“Is that what we are?”

Wonwoo lets out a loud laugh; eyes forming crescents as his glasses slide down his nose bridge.

“No, I think our story is much more fortunate than that.”

Black is Wonwoo’s favorite color.

“A-ah, hold on…!”

He likes to take naps when he’s not working or in his classes and sometimes spends his time playing PC games with his frat brothers until 3 in the morning.

“Wo--Wonwoo!”

He doesn’t have a ton of hobbies but he’s been thinking about videography lately since Mingyu’s brought it up.

“Baby, h-hold on, I’m gonna drop you if you don’t stop flailing!”

And he’s already thinking about taking a film class next semester and maybe quitting his job at the library to focus.

He tells you his favorite hyung is Seungcheol, ‘because he buys food all the time’ and his favorite dongsaeng is Seokmin, ‘because he cries easily so you know his heart is always in the right place.’

“Okay, finally!”

Wonwoo all but kicks the door to his room open, carrying you inside before he kicks it shut.

He lays you down gently on the bed as you giggle; a gentle smile on his face when he lays down next to you.

“I don’t know why you wanted to carry me up the entire flight of stairs but thank you.”

“Think of it as my sun sacrificing for your moon.”

You roll your eyes at his sudden cheesiness and in the heat of the moment, you find yourself rolling onto your side and immediately reaching for Wonwoo’s face as you tug him into a heated kiss.

“Mmph!”

He’s taken by surprise at first but quickly melts into it himself; eyes closing and hands reaching for your body when you start to roll on top of him.

His lips are soft and his kisses slow - the taste of coffee lingering on his lips and tongue when your lips part for him.

You’re reminded of his soft and gentle touches from a few days prior when you moan against his mouth and he’s quick to thread a hand through your hair before he flips your positions so that you’re underneath him instead.

“Mmh… Wonwoo…”

He kisses you on the lips one more time before he pulls away and takes his glasses off.

“I have one more thing for you to conclude our date.”

“Oh? A gift?”

“You can say that…”

He gets up from the bed and walks over to his closet - fetching a small box that he brings back to the bed as you sit up on your elbows.

“Wait, you’re not actually proposing, are you? On the first date?” Snorting, he takes the lid off and empties the contents of the box onto the bed.

“Depends. There’s definitely a cock ring in this pile somewhere.”

‘You can use anything in this box on me tonight. I wanna give you the freedom.’

“You look… wow.”

You try your best to not go over the top with the toys but you couldn’t help yourself when you reached for the blindfold and the set of handcuffs; shaky fingers helping Wonwoo get into position against the headboard before you had locked the handcuffs into place and wrapped the blindfold around his head.

“Everything you dreamed about, baby? Having me at your mercy?” He smirks and even through the blindfold, you already know his eyes are smoldering and staring holes into you as you sit on his thighs.

“Maybe we should switch off every now and again ‘cause you look really good like this, Wonwoo…”

“Hah, well, let’s see how well you do, hmm, princess? Maybe if you do a good job, I might let you.”

Gulping, your eyes flit down his half naked body and yours before you reach for one more thing from the box; turning it on and letting it buzz to life as Wonwoo tenses up slightly.

He holds his breath and anticipates it but he’s still not as prepared as he thinks when you press the vibrator against his cock through the fabric of his boxer briefs.

“Oh--s-shit!”

The sensations feel even stronger with his eyes covered by the blindfold and his arms bound above his head and no matter how much he wants to tug against his restraints, he knows he can’t do anything.

Your mouth is agape at the way Wonwoo squirms underneath you and for a moment, you wonder if this is what he sees when you’re the one squirming underneath him.

“You’re not usually this sensitive… daddy~”

The teasing lilt in your voice has Wonwoo clenching his jaw before he huffs. “Daddy’s not used to being the one tied up, sweetheart.”

He opens his mouth to comment again, only a soft moan floating past his lips as he thrusts up against the vibrator. You don’t do anything other than hold it against his clothed cock but it’s enough for him to want to give in and switch places with you already - even though it’s only been minutes since you started.

Wonwoo tells himself control is something he needs to learn how to manage.

You can’t help but touch yourself while you hold the toy against him; biting your lip to hold in your noises when you gently run your fingers over your clothed mound.

“Sweetheart…”

“Y-yes, daddy?”

Grinning, Wonwoo can already tell by the shakiness of your voice that you’re affected too and he can’t help but want his hands roaming all over your skin.

“You should have all your fun now while you can~”

Gulping, you heed the warning in his voice as you set the vibrator to its highest setting, causing Wonwoo to let out a broken cry as the vibrations make his entire body tremble and try to shy away from the toy.

“G--god, fuh--fuck, ngh…”

His moans have your pussy clenching around emptiness and your fingertips only press harder into the wet patch of your panties at the way he tugs against his restraints.

“D-daddy… I--Can I sit on your cock now? I can’t w-wait any longer, you look so good…”

“O-oh? Watching daddy being a little bit submissive got your panties all wet, huh, princess? Are you wet enough to take daddy’s cock already?”

“Mmhmm…”

You turn off the toy and pull it away from him, watching his body go slack before you shimmy off of his lap to take off your panties.

A grin etches itself onto your face as you hold the wet material in your hands. “Daddy? Do you wanna know how wet I am?”

You can see Wonwoo’s brows furrow from above the blindfold but he nods once, lips parted slightly as he catches his breath. Goosebumps are all over his skin and he can feel you starting to grind down onto his clothed cock as your wetness soaks into the material of his boxer briefs.

“Oh, sweetheart, I--mmph!”

Giggling, you stuff the fabric between his parted lips - muffling anything he was going to say after as you grind down onto him harder. “Mmh, daddy you’re so hard… ‘m gonna make myself cum on your cock now, okay~?”

Only what you can assume are muffled curse words fall from his lips when you scoot back down to his thighs, tugging his boxer briefs down before wrapping a hand around his cock.

You lean over and let saliva drip from your mouth to the head of his cock - smearing the spit and his precum up and down his shaft as you prolong his teasing before giving himself, and yourself, what you both really want.

“Daddy, I wish you could see yourself right now~ I can tell how much you wanna feel my cute ‘lil pussy wrapped around your cock… Squeezing you and making you feel good too~”

Wonwoo can only groan around the fabric, hips thrusting up into your palm.

“And I’m so wet now too… But daddy always gets me sooo wet…” You shimmy back up his body, positioning his cock at your entrance before you start to sink down slowly. “A-ah, sliding into my hot ‘lil cunt like you w-were made for me, daddy…”

The amount of expletives Wonwoo’s screamed into the soaked material is uncountable at this point, but he says a mental prayer thanking the powers up above when he’s finally fully seated in your warmth - cock already curving deliciously into your g-spot as you mewl.

“Mmh, I could cum like this… Your cock is s-so big it’s already filling me up s-so good and--and touching all the p-places inside me that make me w-wanna cum…”

You grind atop his lap, swiveling your hips before removing your bra and tossing it off to the side. “Ngh… daddy…” Your hands roam your skin, cupping your breasts and pinching your nipples as you whimper and clench down onto Wonwoo’s cock harder.

“Nod once if you wanna see me, daddy~ Or nod twice if you wanna talk to me~”

Wonwoo grits his teeth - you could really be evil when you wanted to.

But he nods once, sharply, to let you know he’s not happy he can’t have both. You laugh softly in return, leaning up to remove the silk ribbon from his eyes.

He blinks rapidly to adjust to the dimmed room, eyes on your naked body in a flash as you go back to teasing yourself.

“Do you like what you see, daddy?”

Wonwoo gulps, this time nodding shakily as he watches you pinch your nipples and cup your breasts. “Bet you wanna touch me too, huh, daddy?” He narrows his eyes - silently telling you to watch yourself.

“Hmm… s’not as fun when daddy doesn’t talk to me too~”

You smile at him teasingly before you reach over to pull the wet material from between Wonwoo’s lips and he doesn’t waste a second before he’s chuckling - quietly yet enough to make you shiver.

“Hah, gotta hand it to you, princess...”

He doesn’t say anything more which makes you nervous so instead, you start bouncing on his lap, fingertips on your clit as you chase your pleasure.

This won’t last much longer, you think, I gotta take what I can get.

Soft mewls spill from your lips as you maintain eye contact with him and the way he just stares at you is enough to make you cry out.

“D-daddy, d--don’t, ah, look at m-me like that…”

“Like what, princess?”

You pinch your clit, eyes clamping shut when he shifts slightly underneath you.

A choked sob bubbles up your throat when you throw your head back and the pleasure washes over you - your orgasm hitting you hard as you swivel your hips faster.

“Oho, my pretty ‘lil princess is already cumming~ Your hot ‘lil cunt is sucking my cock in deeper while you cum… Don’t you want daddy to fuck you good and hard? Feel my cock fucking you so deep you feel it in your stomach?”

“O-oh, god, daddy…!” Your thighs shake as you rub quicker circles on your clit - milking your orgasm for what it’s worth before you would give back the control to Wonwoo.

“Or maybe daddy should fuck you slow… Let you feel every inch of me when I’m sliding in and out of your pretty ‘lil cunt… Make you beg for me and crave me so fuckin’ bad, just like you did to me?”

His laugh is cruel and makes you whimper; orgasm ebbing away as your fingers slow down and your hips come to a stop.

Gulping, you know the second the locks click on the handcuffs that Wonwoo would most likely make you pay for all your teasing.

But you fish for the keys lost in the bedsheets - shaky, sticky fingers reaching above the silent male underneath you as you start to undo the locks keeping him bound to the bed.

And it doesn’t take long.

“Ah…!”

Wonwoo does the rest of the work himself, tugging himself free and maneuvering you swiftly until you’re on your back; the air knocked out of your lungs at how quickly he moved.

“Daddy, I--”

The words die on your tongue when Wonwoo pushes your legs up to your chest, not even bothering to rid himself of his boxer briefs when he sinks his cock back into you.

In this position, Wonwoo holds all the control; cock slamming into your sensitive cunt as garbled noises fall from your lips.

“D--daddy, ‘m se--sensitive… ngh…”

Your cunt is like a vice grip around his cock as he snaps his hips hard and fast - this time chasing his own pleasure after all your teasing.

In all honesty, he would’ve cum if you kept the vibrator on his body any longer and he mentallly reminds himself to not let you know how easily it affected him.

“I know you’re sensitive, princess~ Which is why you’re gonna cum for me again.”

Wonwoo reaches between your bodies, rubbing quick circles on your clit with the pad of his thumb as you scream out his name.

“Oh--oh, god! Wonwoo, Wonwoo, Wonwoo!”

“That’s right. Fuckin’ scream my name, princess. Who’s making you feel this good?”

“Y--You! Daddy! Fuck, ah, I--I can’t, I can’t, I--mmh!”

Wonwoo already starts to feel your body tense up with each thrust of his hips that has the head of his cock tapping your g-spot.

“You can and you will, princess.” He mutters, eyes focused on your face that contorts in absolute bliss. “Daddy wants to feel you cumming on his cock while he fucks you nice and deep. You take me so well, princess~ Fuckin’ taking all of me in your cute ‘lil cunt.”

Tears blur your vision as the pleasure starts to wash over you a second time - nothing leaving your lips except for an alternation of ‘Wonwoo’ and ‘daddy’ as your legs shake and toes curl.

“Fuck, princess…!”

Wonwoo’s cock is forced out of you as you cum hard; squirting all over his lower half as you cry out and convulse against the sheets.

The ringing in your ears is enough to block out anything he seems to say but he’s quick to wrap a hand around his cock and tap your swollen clit as he works you through your second high.

“Aww, my good ‘lil princess is so cute when she’s squirting all over daddy~ Making a big mess, too~” Your body jolts with each tap of his cock head against your clit and it only prolongs your orgasm as you thrash against his sheets.

“Da---daddy… I, hic, ‘m sor--sorry…”

When Wonwoo feels your body start to relax after a few tense minutes, he takes in your glowing form underneath him; thighs slicked with wetness and bed sheets soaked and crumpled underneath your bodies.

In a moment of gentleness, he lets your quivering legs down, fingertips massaging your tired body as he leans over you.

His lips are ghosting across your cheek as you open your teary eyes, soft cries still on your lips when he wipes at your tear stained cheek with the back of his fingers.

“You okay, princess?”

“Mm…”

“You wanna stop now? We can if you want.” His voice is barely above a whisper and the softness of it makes your body feel warm and sated when he kisses you gently. He repeats this a few more times as you catch your breath; leaving feather-light kisses all over your face as you mewl.

“You didn’t cum yet though, daddy…”

“I know, s’okay.” He smiles against your lips, “I want what you want… ‘Cause I really like you. And I’d really like to go on more dates with you, princess. And I wanna be able to tell everyone that I really like you too. And show you off to them and make them jealous that you’re mine. If you’ll let me. And learn with me.”

You giggle tiredly into his kiss, hazy eyes meeting his own.

You were happy.

And Wonwoo was too.

“Wanna start by grabbing me a glass of water from downstairs then, daddy?”

“Anything for you, my moon.”

“Does that really work?”

“What do you mean?”

“The ‘holding a cup to the door’ thing. Can you hear them?” Mingyu purses his lips at Minghao’s question.

“Not… really. Kinda just muffles it more.”

Jeonghan passes by the two currently hunched over each other in front of Wonwoo’s door; an incredulous look on his face.

“Why are the two of you listening in on them fucking? Fucking weirdos.”

Mingyu and Minghao both turn to look at the older male, lips pursed into a firm line “We’re not listening to them fucking, hyung. We’re trying to hear their conversation.”

Jeonghan laughs as he shakes his head.

“There’s absolutely no valuable conversation going on if she’s screaming ‘daddy’ so loud that Seungcheol is texting me about it from his bedroom. You should leave before Wonwoo finds out and decides to make rugs out of the two of you.”

“Ugh… Yes, hyung.”

💕

[twinklecheeks]

Friends With Benefits (Jeff Wittek Imagine) Part 11

Summary: Jeff and Y/N have been hooking up for a while. The whole vlog squad assumes they’re dating and Y/N does too but Jeff doesn’t like labels. He eventually starts to express interest in Natalie.

Note: Planning on making this a multiple part series, depending on how good it does.  You’re 21 & Latina in this (maybe) series. Also, I’d like to apologize for the typos, if there is any. I’m just illiterate lmao.  

Side note: Sorry it took me over a week to post this! I just started my last semester of college and I also have a part time job, so I’ve been super tired. I’ll try to be more consistent.

Warnings! Pregnancy, Smut 

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 , Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10,

Word Count: 2k

Christmas Eve 12/24/2019

Y/n: *Wakes up and stares at Jeff peacefully sleeping*

Jeff: *moans*

Y/n: *looks down and notices Jeff has a boner* Hmmm *gently rubs the swollen tip of Jeff’s cock*

Jeff: *thrusts into y/n’s hand*

Y/n: *Smirks and quietly gets out of bed to lock the door* *Pulls Jeff’s boxer’s down and sees his cock slap against his abs* *Softly licks the base of his Jeff’s cock all the way to the tip and sucks the head*

Jeff: *moans* mmm fuck.

Y/n: *You use the entirety of your palms and fingers with just how big and long he is. You hum greedily as you do this*

Jeff: *wakes up and smirks* I guess it’s a very Merry Christmas to me.

Y/n: I can suck on your cock all day daddy *winks*

Jeff: *groaning at how fast you’re going* F-fuck baby the way you’re moaning. You’re gonna kill me *bucks his hips*

Y/n: Shhh, I don't want them to know I’m sucking your cock ;) *continues to deepthroat feeling him twitch*

Jeff: Oh my fucking god baby yesss. Fuck me, fuck me, over and over. I swear I’d be fucking you every nigh- JESUS FUCK *cums inside her mouth*

Y/n: *swallows and sucks his cock clean* That was a great way to start Christmas.

Jeff: *laughs* Me cumming in you?

Y/n: *smirks* Mhmmm, I love it when you’re in me ;)

Jeff: What time is it?

Y/n: It’s 7:42am. I think your mom is already up cooking.

Jeff: Well if you want to see the Christmas parade at 11 w/ Jonah’s family, round 2 in the shower has to be a quickie.

Y/n: *looks down at his cock* You’re still hard? You just came a bunch in my mouth.

Jeff: I’m always hard for you babe *winks*

*After the Christmas Parade*

Suzie: I loved the parade! New York is so pretty during Christmas.

Vardon: Christmas is also more fun w/ snow.

Jonah: Guys it was fucking freezing outside.

Y/n: It was only 38 degrees.

Jeff’s mom: Oh good you guys are back. Marie (Jonah’s mom) and I are almost done with the food.

Jeff: Ma you’ve been cooking since like 6am. Have you had a break?

Jeff’s mom: We also did some last minute shopping/ gift wrapping. Everybody gets to open one present today and the rest tomorrow.

Y/n: You guys open presents tomorrow?

Jeff’s dad: Yeah, doesn’t everybody?

Y/n: Well in the Hispanic/ Latinx community, we call today Hispanic Christmas. So we open our presents today and then we spend the 25th stuffing our faces in left overs. We open on the 24th cause we’re too impatient and yes, we know Jesus was born on the 25th.

Jeff: Maybe we can do that w/ the girls next year.

Jeff’s mom: *tears up* Oh god you’re going to have daughter’s next year.

Jeff: Maaaa don’t cry again.

Y/n: Oh we are definitely doing hispanic christmas. If my sister comes over, she’d want to open the presents like a week before. She’s the most impatient. One year, she opened presents at like 3-4pm.

Jeff’s mom: I’m such a cry baby. Now help me set up the table!

*everybody helps set the plates and food*

Jeff’s dad: does anybody want to start the prayer?

Jeff: I’ll do it.

Karyn: Really? The last time you did it was Easter 2005 and you couldn’t stop laughing.

Jeff’s mom: Karyn.

*everybody holds hands*

Jeff: oh Heavenly Father, thank you for all that you’ve brought us. I know that Christmas is about you but I’d like to say thanks. Thank you for keeping everybody here in good health because I don’t know where I’d be w/ out them. I’m grateful for the supportive family and friends you have given me and most importantly, y/n. I know we were very rocky until recently but you brought her into my life for a reason. She was changing me into a better person and I was too stubborn to accept it. Now she’s going to be the mother of my 2 amazing daughters. Those babies already have me wrapped around their fingers and they’re not even here yet. I can’t wait for the day y/n and I get married and have however many babies you give us but don’t make it twins each time cause that’s gonna make my hair gray fast

Jeff’s mom: Jeffrey-

Jeff: okay I’m just kidding… kind of but you know what I mean. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me and the rest of my family. Amen.

Everybody: Amen

Jeff’s dad: Hun are you crying?

Y/n: *sniffles her nose* NO. Maybe…. I wouldn't have thought Jeff was religious.

Karyn: Only during Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter.

Jeff’s Dad: Karyn stop teasing your brother. Now that the prayer is over with, let’s eat!

Jeff’s mom: Marie and I spent all morning cooking. Also, since this is y/n’s first Christmas w/ us, I wanted to bring some of the food she eats during the holidays.

Y/n: What food?

Jeff’s mom: *shows the Pernil* (pernil is pork shoulder)

Y/n: NO YOU DIDN’T *tastes the food* AND IT TASTES JUST LIKE OUT MY DAD MAKES IT. How did you make it?!

Jeff: She asked me a couple of days ago what you eat during the holidays and I found your sister on instagram. I got the recipe from her.

Jeff’s mom: I saw that it was a Puerto Rican dish so I asked one of my friends who knows how to make it to show me the steps.

Y/n: Oooo imma try not to cry again but THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Jonah: Can we eat now

After Dinner

Y/n: I ate so much, I think I’m having triplets. But thank you once again. I was pretty nervous to come here because I didn’t know how y’all would react to me.

Karyn: Just know that when we get mad, it’s at Jeff cause he’s always the one that somehow messes up.

Jeff: What time is it?

Suzie: It’s 7pm. Should we watch Christmas movies and then open presents before bed?

Vardon: Let’s watch the Grinch

Jonah: *ignores Vardon* Any other suggestions? Please. ANY OTHER.

Karyn: Y/n what do you watch for Christmas.

Y/n: Well, my personal favorite is Jingle all the Way but the Christmas Line up in my family is usually Home Alone 2, A Diva’s Christmas Carol, A Very Brady Christmas, the I Love Lucy Christmas episode and other’s I can’t remember.

Jeff: I mean, we are in New York. Home Alone 2?

Everybody: Sure.

*After watching Christmas movies*

Jeff’s mom: It’s 9:45pm. I think we should be opening our one present before we go to bed.

Jeff: Youngest to oldest! So my niece goes first, then Vardon, Y/n, Suzie, Jonah, etc.

*Jeff’s nieces and Vardon opens their gifts*

Vardon: No way. Jeff got me airpods! Thank you *Hugs Jeff*

Jeff: You’re welcome. Now time for y/n to open her gift from me.

Y/n: Oooo okay. *opens gift and sees two little gold bracelets* what are these for?

Jeff: I always see babies w/ the small little charm bracelet. You mentioned your sister and you never got that from your parents but your older brother did. I wanted to do that for our girls even though they're not here yet. So once we pick out the names, we’ll get the charms.

Y/n: *sniffles* Dammit why do you keep making me cry.

Jeff: Cause I don’t want you to ever forget how much I love you.

Jonah: Can we move on from this sappy shit so I can open my gift.

Everybody: JONAH.

*After everybody opens their presents*

Y/n: Thank you so much for accepting me on such short notice.

Jeff’s mom: Hun we’re family now. You’ll always be a part of us. Same for the Antonyans. We know how much Jeff misses having us around since he’s been living in LA and y’all have been a family to him.

Jonah’s mom: I love Jeff like he my own son. He help us so much.

Jeff’s Dad: Y’all just have to make sure to visit us often. Get’s kind of lonely here w/ Karyn living in Kentucky, Jeff living in LA. I mean Steven lives in the city w/ his kids but we miss having all of you together here.

Jeff: I’m starting to think that having girls runs in the family. Karyn has a daughter, Steven has twin girls and now I’m gonna have twin girls.

Jeff’s mom: I mean you never know if the nurse made a mistake. They thought your brother was a girl for half my pregnancy. Then they did the last ultrasound a week before I gave birth to him and they said he was a boy.

Y/n: Oh god I don’t even want to think about that. I’m already stressed out about the babies possibly being deaf now I gotta be worried if the nurse misgendered them….

Karyn: The babies are gonna be deaf?

Y/n: Hmm?

Jeff’s dad: You just said there’s a possibility the twins will be born deaf.

Y/n: Fuck. I did say that, didn't I… Jeff, you wanna help me out here?

Jeff: Ummm. Damn we weren’t planning on telling anybody this for a couple of weeks. We got a call a couple of days ago after we did some genetic testing and the doctor said the babies have a high chance of being born hard of hearing/ deaf.

Karyn: My doctors told me the same thing. Luckily my daughter turned out fine

Steven: I wasn’t a carrier for the gene…

Jeff’s mom: We’ll love those babies no matter what. If we have to learn sign language for them, then we’d do it. I’ll fly out to LA once it gets close to the due date to help out.

Jeff: Thanks ma. Means a lot.

Y/n: Thank you so much. I don’t know if my own parents would forgive me by then to be there for the birth.

Jeff’s mom: Anytime sweetheart. My god look at the time, It’s 10:15, we have to go to bed before Santa comes.

Jonah: Haha, but santa isn-

Jeff: Jonah you better better not finish that sentence cause my nieces are here and I don’t wanna see the magic ruined for them.

Jonah: What I was saying was, isn't Santa a little late?… He should’ve been here by now…

Going to bed

Y/n: I am so stuffed. Christmas turned out a lot better than I thought.

Jeff: See, you had nothing to be afraid about. Also, good job on keeping the deaf thing a secret haha.

Y/n: Hey! It’s been on my mind since we found out. WAIT. Jonah and Suzie.

Jeff: What about them?

Y/n: they were there…. What if they tell everybody else.

Jeff: Suzie would never… Jonah on the other hand… I have little faith in him.

Y/n: I’m afraid to check my phone.

Jeff: Same. I haven't looked at it all day. On the count of 3…

Y/n: One….

Jeff: Two.

Y/n & Jeff: Three. *looks at phones*

Y/n’s phone: 82 text messages & 24 missed calls

Jeff’s phone: 77 text messages & 21 missed calls

Vlog Squad GC

David: Was what Jonah said true?

Natalie: Is it serious?

Jason: Y’all I’m so sorry

Zane: There has to be a way to fix it. My babies will be okay right?

Erin: I’ll postpone my wedding until the babies are okay

Carly: Oh no Carly and Erin jr :(

Corinna: The babies are gonna be deaf?

Mariah: Is it confirmed?

Heath: Have y’all seen other doctors?

Matt: Guys they’re busy. I don’t think we should be spamming them on Christmas.

Toddy: We’ll stop one they answer us!

David: I’ll put in whatever money you need for surgeries or anything.

Jason: Guys stop. They’ll tell us everything once they’re ready.

(end of conversation)

Jeff: I’m gonna kill Jonah.

Y/n: Oh hun, so will I…

The next chapter might take a bit because I’m still thinking what will be in it. You guys can give be suggestions and I can give you credit for it!

Comment if you want to be on the taglist!

Taglist: @elvlogsquad​ @siemprestan​ @zavidzobrik​ @galxydefender​ @iminlovewithenchilidadas​ @ilsolee​ @ranprivate @one-sweet-gubler  @sunwardsss @shamalamashams @michellemxndes

[norixprincess]

This Is So Wrong But It Feels So Right pt. 1

This Is So Wrong But It Feels So Right Pt. 1/2 (re-uploaded)

One-Shot

Part: 1/2

Genre: Slight Angst(?) + Smut + Romance

Characters: Jaehyun (NCT 127), Mira (OC), JB (GOT7)

Rating: 18+

Plot: A tutor starts having an affair with her student when she learns of her boyfriends affairs.

A/n: I’m not good at making summaries/forwards so uh I’m just get right into it also I love JB he just has the right look/vibes for the type of character I’m making him lol i am aware he is actually a huge softy irl

“Your exam is next week right, Jaehyun?”

“Yeah, my professor throws one at us every month, it’s on the same day I have a paper due for history too, school is killing me,” the young man let out a groan as he stretched back against the chair “Ahhh Mira noona~ is there anyway I can pay you to write my paper for me?”

“Nope, you gotta do it yourself, I can help you but I won’t do it for you,” Mira flipped over onto the next page in the biology text book when Jaehyun wrapped his arms around her arm. She looked down at the younger male who was pouting at her and giving her puppy dog eyes “Please~?” He begged cutely, Mira rolled her eyes and poked his forehead back “no, now focus, we still have a lot to go through,”

Jaehyun huffed before releasing her arm and leaning forward against the table. As they went over the lessons Mira hadn’t realized that half the time she would be explaining something or reading Jaehyun was just be staring at her, admiring her profile as she spoke. Mira always took his flirting as a joke, to be fair that was on him since he had always passed it off as a joke when truthfully he really was into her. He knew he had no chance with her, she was 2 years older than him and already had a man. A really attractive man at that.

Jaehyun let out a soft sigh before re-focusing on the text book. To tell the truth he was a smart guy, he didn’t really need tutoring. Well maybe in the beginning he did since he had missed a lot of classes because of his health, he needed to get back on track. But as he spent more time with her the more he had started to notice her charms, he slowly fell for her. She was kind and caring, she seemed to always be able to tell when he was really stressed or when his mood was down so she would cheer him up or let him vent. She was easy to talk to. As he realized his feelings he began to continue to come for tutoring sessions as an excuse to be with her. He knew that he shouldn’t be and that eventually he should just give up and move on from her. But for the time being he wanted to enjoy the time he had with her.

When the session came to end he was about leave he turned to Mira “Noona, tomorrow night my friends and some other kids from school are going to have a BBQ party at the park, you wanna come?”

“Hmm, send me the details and if I’m free I’ll go,”

Jaehyun nodded and bowed his head before leaving.

-

Jaehyun was talking and laughing with his friends when he noticed Mira walking towards them. Jaehyun’s lips immediately formed a grin, the dimples on his face making an appearance. “Noona! You came,” he went towards her and hugged her “Yeah, I didn’t have anything planned, so here I am,” she hugged him back before pulling back to greet his friends.

“Oh right these are my friends Johnny, Mark and Doyoung,” Jaehyun introduced them before introducing her to them as well “This is Mira, she’s my tutor,” they all greeted each other. But as Jaehyun watched them his smile soon faltered a bit when he saw a man appear by Mira’s side, his arm snaking around her waist. He knew it was her boyfriend since he’s seen images of him before. Mira smiled brightly when he joined and introduced him “This is my boyfriend Jaebeom, and Jaebeom oppa this is...” Mira introduced them to Jaebeom but Jaehyun wasn’t listening. He was busy eyeing Jaebeom’s arm, wishing it was him in his spot.

He started feeling competitive. He felt the need to win her over, he knows he shouldn’t get in between people relationships like this but he felt this strong desire to try and win her heart over. He already started making his plans just then.

The rest of the night was spent with everyone getting along and catching up. Mira had momentarily separated to catch up with the student’s she recognized from her past and current classes. Jaebeom also separated from the group to speak with some old friends as well, but Jaehyun kept his eyes on him to find any flaws with him, to figure him out and see which ways he’s better than him. While he watched him he swore that he saw Jaebeom checking out other girls and low-key flirting. But he didn’t want to start drama, after he couldn’t be sure just based on what he thinks he’s seeing. Jaehyun always tried to be rational but he still believed that he definitely was checking out some of the girls at the party.

“Hyung am I the only one who noticed he’s checking out other girls with his girl friend right here?” Jaehyun leaned towards Johnny “Who?”

“Jaebeom...”

“Actually yeah I did notice something like that, he straight up stared at Taeyeon’s ass while licking his lips,”

“Should we tell Mira noona?”

“Nah, that’s none of our business, you don’t want to start any issues,”

“I don’t know I just don’t think it’s right,”

“Maybe she already knows, I don’t know, I don’t like putting my nose into other peoples issues,”

Jaehyun let out a small sigh, but right then Mira came to their side, she handed Jaehyun and Johnny a bottle of beer “Thanks for inviting me Jaehyun, it’s been a while since I went to a party, I’ve been so preoccupied with work and school recently I forgot that I should let loose once in a while,” She smiled brightly at Jaehyun and Jaehyun’s heart skipped a beat, his ears slowly turned red and he cleared his throat, nodding “I’ll start inviting you for more fun then and you can join whenever you have free time,” he took a big sip from his beer, Johnny had noticed that Jaehyun was blushing and he immediately knew what was up and why he was worried about her. He smirked and gave Jaehyun a nudge “Ahhh I get it now, so that’s whats up huh?” Jaehyun looked up at Johnny in confusion “What are you talking about?” Johnny only gave him a knowing smile and tapped his own ear to give Jaehyun a hint. Jaehyun’s ears turned red again in embarrassment “Hyung!”

Mira smiled at the two, unsure of what they were speaking about, but she was distracted anyway. She turned her head too look over at Jaebeom laughing and speaking with the other students. Her lips pursed before she took in a deep a breath and let it out. She, like Johnny and Jaehyun, has also caught Jaebeom checking a girls ass. She had caught him checking girls out on multiple occasions but she didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to fight. She decided it was fine as long as he wasn’t actually doing anything with other girls. Though she still has her suspicions of him but she pushes those suspicions aside, she had no evidence to back those suspicions up anyway.

-

After that day Jaehyun would often invite her to hang out with him and his friends. They would hang out at the end of every week, bowling, eating or doing karaoke. Jaehyun took these chances to get closer to Mira and would show her what kind of guy he is. During karaoke he definitely took advantage to show off his singing skills, and Mira really was impressed by his voice.

When she clapped and complimented him at the end of the song he smirked and gave her a wink. Mira would be lying if she said that it didn’t catch her off guard and make her blush. But of course she wasn’t going to admit it, there was no reason too, she wasn’t into him like that.

When the semester ended Jaehyun decided to confess his feelings to her. He know’s he would get rejected but he wanted to do it anyway. So he had asked her to come out for walk and some late night snacks. Mira agreed and met up with him. They walked and talked and made sure to grab some bites from the street vendors. At the end of the night he walked her to her apartment door. Before she could unlock the door Jaehyun spoke up “Noona...I have something to say,”

Mira turned to face him, keys still in hand “Is something up?”

Jaehyun shook his head, taking a deep breath before speaking up “I really like you....no, that’s not the right word...I love you, the truth is I never needed the tutoring, in the beginning I did but after that it was all just an excuse for me to be with you, I had feelings for you from the start I just didn’t say anything because you have a boyfriend, but I need to tell you this now, I know it’s wrong but I really want to win you over I’ve been trying to win you over for a while now...”

He paused a moment, there was silence between the two as Mira stared at him, speechless and surprised she didn’t know how to respond.

“Sorry if I made things weird, I’ll just leave now, I hope we can still be friends...feel free to pretend this didn’t happen,” Jaehyun turned away and quickly left. He didn’t want to hear her reject him, he already knows he’s rejected there was no need to hear it out loud.

Mira didn’t stop him from leaving, she had nothing to say, what would she say? “I’m sorry but I don’t feel the same?” He already knew that, he knows everything that she could possibly have said to him and there was no need to to hurt him by saying it again. She could have comforted him but what would she say “it’s okay there’s more fish in the sea?” it was probably best that she kept quiet. But despite deciding that that was the best thing she could do she couldn’t help but think about it all night. Needless to stay Jaehyun was also in his bed, tossing in turning as that moment repeated over in over in his head.

-

Mira tried to make Christmas Eve plans with Jaebeom but Jaebeom said he was busy, he told her he would make up for it later and they can go on a date after Christmas. Mira was disappointed and upset. She really wanted to spend time with him since they didn’t get to see each other often. She lied back on her bed and let out a heavy sigh “Guess I should find something else to do then...” She unlocked her phone and began going through Instagram to see what everyone is up to when she saw Jaehyun’s post. It was an image of him pouting and the caption was “Seems like everyone is busy on Christmas, is no one available to spend their Christmas Eve with this lonely guy? Please? Anyone? T-T”

Mira let out a soft giggle and decided to shoot him a text, it had been a while since they’ve met up, ever since he confessed they seemed to be avoiding each other but Mira decided to push that aside.

Mira: hey lonely boy, heard you’re spending Christmas alone this year

Jaehyun: Yeah, everyone has plans already T-T noona save me...

Jaehyun: Oh wait, you probably have plans with Jaebeom-hyung...

Mira: Actually, no, he can’t hang out with me that day, he’s busy, we planned for something after though

Jaehyun: oh- sorry noona

Mira: You wanna hang out on Christmas? We can do some Ice Skating and Karaoke or something...and then dinner of course

Jaehyun: Noooooonaaaa my savior, can we get cake too?

Mira: you sound like a baby, but sure

Mira hadn’t noticed how big her smile was as she spoke with him. She found his childlike side cute and endearing.

-

Christmas Eve finally rolled around, Mira met up with Jaehyun by the Cafe they discussed. Jaehyun showed up a little late with two warm cups of hot chocolate “Mira! It’s been a while huh?” Mira smiled and nodded “yeah it really has been,” Jaehyun held the cup towards her “here, to keep you warm as we walk,” Mira took the cup and carefully took a sip. The two of them walked until they reached the ice ring, they rented a pair of ice skates and proceeded to have fun skating badly. Jaehyun wasn’t too bad at it but Mira kept slipping up and messing up. Jaehyun had fun teasing her and dragging her around.

When they decided they had enough fun on the ice Mira decided she was hungry so they agreed to have dinner first. They had decided on Korea BBQ.

Sitting across from each other they talked, ate and drank. Although the were having fun Jaehyun had been resisting the urge to hold her hand all evening. Even now he really wanted to reach over and hold her hand, or kiss her. It was hard, after all his feelings weren’t going to go away so soon. In the end of the day all he can do is admire her presence.

When they finished their dinner they paid and made their way to a nearby cafe for some dessert. But as they were approaching the bakery Mira suddenly slowed down before coming to a stop. When Jaehyun noticed she was no longer walking beside him he turned around “You good?” Mira brought her attention back to Jaehyun and nodded “Um actually, why don’t we just get dessert from the karaoke place? We can have some cake while singing and stuff,”

“You sure? This place is pretty good,”

“I know, it just looks busy and I don’t feel like waiting in line,”

Jaehyun shrugged “I mean, Okay I guess, if that’s what you want,”

The two got into a taxi. Through the whole ride Mira was on her phone, she texted her boyfriend asking how was work and what he was up to.

“Is everything okay? You’re suddenly quiet and seem kinda down...”

Jaehyun’s voice brought her attention to him. She smiled and nodded “I’m fine, don’t worry, I just don’t have anything to talk about,” The truth is, she wasn’t okay, and Jaehyun could tell but he didn’t know why. But Mira wasn’t about to tell him that she had just seen her boyfriend Jaebeom, right in front of the bakery, in a full out make out session with another girl. She clearly saw his face, she watched it all happen as he held her face and pulled her in for that kiss. She knew for a fact she didn’t mistake a stranger for him.

Especially since he was wearing the customized beanie she had bought him for his birthday. So no, she was not okay. She was furious, and upset. Her stomach had down a full back flip and she felt nauseous.

The rest of the night Mira tried her best to act as if everything was okay, but Jaehyun could tell she was putting up an act. But he decided not to pry so he decided to just have fun and try to make her laugh as he teased her. It didn’t really work though.

At the end of the night Jaehyun walker her to her door. As she was about to head inside she paused before taking a step inside then turned towards him “Do you want to watch a movie with me? I kind of want to spend some more time with you,”

Jaehyun was surprised at her request, he thought after his confession she would never want him to step inside her place again. He wasn’t about to reject her offer though “Sure...” he followed her inside and took his coat off, hanging it up on the hanger on the wall.

-

Jaehyun was sitting in shock, eyes wide at the sudden situation he was in. Just a second ago he was enjoying the movie Mira had put on but now he was sitting with the older woman straddling his lap, her lips pressed up against his. He couldn't tell if he was dreaming or not. He didn't know how to react. As much as he wanted to kiss her back he didn't, he pulled back "What...what are you doing?"

"I'm kissing you,"

"Noona...maybe you had too much drink, we shouldn't be doing this,"

"I'm not drunk, I want this,"

"But...what about, what about your-"

"Jaehyun, just shut up and kiss me already, didn't you say you wanted to win me over?"

Jaehyun swallowed back his saliva, was this her way of telling him that he's winning her over? He looked into her eyes, he didn't know how to react or what to do. She had never mentioned breaking up with Jaebeom.

"Are you going to kiss me or not?" Mira's lips were barely even an inch away from his, her eyes gazing into his. Jaehyun's heart was racing and all he could think of was having her to himself in that moment "Shit...why does she have to make this so hard for me..." He thought to himself.

Jaehyun gave in, he wrapped his arms around her waist as his pressed into hers. Their lips moved in harmony with each other as he held her close to his body.

"God, this is so wrong...but damn it it feels so right"

The butterflies in his stomach were going wild with excitement. He knew this was wrong as she was still in a relationship but he didn't care, he wanted to have her at least this one time, even if meant her possibly completely cutting him out of her life afterwards. He didn't care.

Jaehyun lifted her and placed her down on the sofa, his body hovering over hers. Mira closed her eyes as his lips began to move down against her jawline, down to her neck, when he found her sweet spot he gently sucked on the skin, a soft sigh of pleasure escaping Mira's lips in response. He soon slipped his fingers underneath her shirt, slowly trailing his fingers against her skin, slowly going higher. His lips began to move lower down to her collarbone but he stop right before he go to her chest, and lifted his head to look at her as he gripped onto the hem of her shirt "noona, can I take this off?" Mira nodded her head, cupping his cheek in one hand, gently stroking his cheek with her thumb.

Jaehyun began to lift her shirt up as Mira lifted herself to help him get it off of her. Jaehyun took a moment to appreciate her body, his heart was racing with excitement. This made Mira's face go hot with embarrassment as he stated at her body. He lowered his head once more, his lips pressing against the skin on her chest, as he kissed over her chest he pushed her bra straps down her shoulders and tugged her bra down, her breasts now sitting right before his eyes "fuck, you're beautiful," he said under his breath before taking her nipple between lips without hesitation. Mira let out a soft and quiet moan. She bit down onto her finger as she closed her eyes, enjoying the moment.

She wrapped a leg around his waist, pulling his waist closer to hers. Jaehyun responded by moving his hips against hers as he moved his head to suck on her other nipple. Mira let out another moan, which only encouraged him to suck more harshly, his hips still rolling against hers.

He soon lifted his head leaned into her lips. Their lips moved together, his tongue poking at her lips asking for entrance. Her lips parted in response, as his tongue slipped right in, their tongues dancing together. Jaehyun didn't want this to stop, he wanted kiss every inch of her, he wanted to make her feel good.

His hand slid between them, working at the button on her jeans, once it was open he pulled down the zipper and slipped his hand in underneath her panties. His fingers pressing against her as he began to massage her. A moan escaped Mira's lips, her body getting hotter and breathing slowly growing heavy.

Her moans threw Jaehyun into a high, he let out a soft breathy groan at the sound of her moans, he needed to hear it more.

His finger slipped into her and began working at her insides. For some reason at that moment guilt suddenly rushed through out her entire body, remembering her boyfriend and how she still had feelings for him. "Fuck...fuck, wait Jaehyun, stop," Jaehyun pulled his hand away and looked down at her with concern "is everything okay?"

Mira wanted to cry, she was overwhelmed with guilt, she didn't want to do this Jaebeom nor Jaehyun. She was basically just using Jaehyun to release her anger at this point and she didn't want to do that to him. "I'm sorry I just...I think I got ahead of myself, we shouldn't be doing this this is so wrong..."

Jaehyun sat up, respecting her wishes "it's okay, we can stop, do you want me to leave?" He secretly hoped she would say no, he felt if she told him to leave that it would be the end of it for both if them. He would never see nor hear from her again.

Mira shook her her head "no, stay, let's just go to bed I...would be nice to have someone to cuddle for tonight," Jaehyun was was happy that she told him to say, he wanted kiss her but he held himself back. Mira climbed off the couch "I'm going to change into something more comfortable..."

Mira disappeared into her room, when she did she finally broke into tears. She cried quietly. She was crying because of the guilt, but she was also crying because of the betrayal of her boyfriend. She didn't know what to do.

In the meantime Jaehyun had gone to the restroom to wash up. He made his way back to the living room, taking his belt off so that he could sleep more comfortably. He noticed Mira was taking a while and was contemplating knocking on her door. But just then she stepped out and gave him a small smile before heading into the bathroom. He had noticed that her eyes were red, almost as if she was crying. He didn’t say anything though because he I realized she must have been feeling guilty.

He blamed himself though, if he hadn’t given in she wouldn’t have been in this position.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi, Loving the blog my darling ❤️ Currently starting uni at the grand age of 21 with absolutely no clue what I’m doing in life. My mental health has really been tough and I feel as though everything is going wrong 😩 I just can’t fathom how people find out who they are or what they enjoy - life just seems to be one big grumpy ball determined to knock you over 😓 any grand life advice you Wish you’d been given or things you think everyone should be aware of? ❤️❤️❤️

Hi Nonny! *HUGS* 

First off, I’m so sorry I put this off so long... I’ve had a headache for a few days and it’s hard for me to give good responses when I do.

That said, I’m not a professional, so please use your own judgement after some of your own research

First of all, don’t feel bad about starting college “late”... there’s NO SUCH THING as too old to learn. I also started at 21, and there were people in my classes on their “second career” (in Ontario, the gov’t used to offer grants for people who were laid off and wanted to pursue higher learning in a second career; not sure if they still do that). I was also in the same boat you were: I had no idea where my life was going to lead, I just knew that if I wanted to work in a professional field, I needed college, and I literally chose my career path by browsing the course offerings at the college I wanted to go to.

In hindsight, MAKING THE EFFORT TO GO TO SCHOOL was a huge first step in a new direction I was terrified to make, and so I totally understand WHY you’re scared, and coupled with mental health issues I can’t begin to imagine the levels of stress you’re feeling. So, I think when you first start (or just before you begin) look into your college’s counselling services; it’s part of your tuition and they’re there to help you get through your schooling. Every college and uni have their own websites, and if you’re willing to dig deep enough (actually, just go to their “site map”, it’s supposed to link every single page their website has), you can find faculty emails and information about counselling services offered and / or any restrictions they have. I highly recommend you start there, try to get an appointment early since many people will be doing it as well. Write out some concerns you have, and bring them with you when you go to see your counsellor. Also, make sure you find out if it’s a life counsellor vs a career counsellor... actually, I just had a thought, all unis and colleges (in Canada at least) have an on-site health centre which actually may be the best place to start for your mental health resource quest. THEY may be able to direct you in the right direction for that aspect. BUT since you’re not sure what you want to do with your career, I do still suggest seeing a counsellor who can help you understand what you can do with your chosen degree / diploma. Doing that may help ease your stress about that. 

Next, let’s tackle the “find out what they enjoy” aspect of your ask: I TOTALLY feel you on the grumpiness, I really do. Even today, nearly 2 decades after my own college life, I’m constantly grumpy and stressed. And I’m not going to tell you to “just think positive!” because that’s ridiculous, and it’s more complicated than just that, and poo-poo to anyone who tries to tell you otherwise. For me, I think it was just trying to do things I never would have, and being brave and talking to people in my classes. My best friends inevitably are the ones I made in college, because we have a lot in common and we did a lot of new things together. I suggest maybe reaching out and doing the same! Colleges and unis ALWAYS have some sort of groups going on, like LGBT, Anime, movies, hiking, etc. TRY THEM ALL. Have fun! Be daring! Most of those types of groups plan outings and activities either for free or at low-cost, and who knows, you may find out you enjoy something you never thought you would! If you spend all your free time just studying or doing school work, you’re gonna burn out before the first semester is over, trust me on this one. 

First year is PURPOSELY the hardest year, just as a word of warning, because they need to weed out those who aren’t serious about doing the program – they don’t want to waste your time and money just as much as you don’t, believe it or not. I’m not going to sugar coat that for you at all... I almost failed first year, but finding a good balance between school and personal activities as well as discussing concerns I had with my professors, I was able to pick my grades up and make it through to second year... and it actually got a LOT easier in second and third year, because the professors were marking us on quality as opposed to technique. Sure, I pulled my share of all nighters, but mostly because I am the WORLD’S WORST PROCRASTINATOR. 

So my tip: if you’re a procrastinator, get that shit out of your system, because spending all night painting colour-matching squares on illustration board is legit the un-funnest way to spend a Sunday night when I had all week to do it. Some people work better under pressure (I actually do, strangely enough) but if you don’t have the mental ability to handle the stress, I really, REALLY recommend you DON’T PROCRASTINATE. Keep a day planner to help you sort your work vs personal time, and you should be just fine. 

Hmm, what else? 

Don’t forgo food, for the love of god. Groceries are cheaper than eating out, so learn to cook simple things: Pasta is literally boiled water and noodles, and canned sauce. That’s literally under 10$ for a few days’ worth of food. It’s delicious and keeps you full and alert to get on with your days. 

As I said above, schools have a health centre with FULL medical services, at least in Canada. Take full advantage of their services since you’re paying for it. Get check ups, talk to nurses about your mental health, and get recommendations to local therapists if you feel you need more than what the on-campus ones can offer; recommendations with doctor’s notes gets you reduced rates for therapy, if I recall correctly (please correct me if I’m wrong, lovelies).

Most schools also have gym memberships paid-for in your tuition; ours was a branch of the YMCA good at ANY YMCA in Canada, and we could use the on-campus gym any time of the day or night. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS. Physical activity helps promote the natural endorphins in your body which help you feel better mentally. It doesn’t have to be anything strenuous: when I first started, I just did one hour on the recliner bike every day. It made me feel better and encouraged me to try other things in the gym, like the treadmill and weights. I found out I actually like working out a few times a week. I do it for ME, not for anyone else. Don’t do it “to be thin” or whatever (that’s a WHOLE other heap of garbage I’m not getting into here). Do it because it makes your mind happy. The gym is an EXCELLENT place to sort out your thoughts and plan your week ahead. The benefit to the recliner bike is that you can have a book or something and jot notes down while getting the exercise in.

DON’T PROCRASTINATE, like I said above. 

Get a part-time job if you find yourself needing something to do with some time you have. Some schools have a student-job centre where you can work on-campus for the print centre or student union, or you can just get a 8 to 16 hours-a-week job like at a grocery store (which is what I did) which wasn’t stressful at all because it was cleaning and food prep; it will look good on your resume that you can multitask like that, having a job and school at the same time, and job skills are transferrable to school as well :) Most part-time jobs will accommodate your school schedule.

HAVE FUN. Seriously, college were the best years of my life, not because I was out drinking every weekend (I actually WASN’T), but because I gained a lot of valuable life experiences from my time away, and I made amazing friends and a lot of my favourite memories were the activities we did together. We did a lot of hiking trips together, and I loved those.

Not much else I can say, Nonny, really, other than it’s perfectly normal to be scared and worried about your future. That’s why taking some time out to sit down and make yourself a schedule will help you handle it. I believe in you and I really REALLY think you will have a great time in college. So exciting, moving onto the next chapter of your life!

Good luck, Nonny, and I love you!

[artinterviewmagazine]

Conversation With Taj Bourgeois On Selling Their Paintings Online For A Living

Marius Larsson: So first of all how long have you been selling paintings? About 2 years now? Taj Bourgeois: Yeah I quit my job driving taxi in December so a little over 2 years. I had a week where I made negative $70 and that was that. I had to do something different. ML: What made you think you could make it as an artist, and how did you initially get started? TB: I didn’t think I could make it lol, but also felt like it might be my last chance to give it my all. If I didn’t at least try once in my life I was concerned I’d feel like a hypocrite if I were to tell my daughter to follow her dreams. Pretty much I just posted on Facebook “Would anyone like to commission a painting?”. I got five responses, one of which was for $600. Honestly I don’t know if I would’ve felt the drive to commit if it weren’t for that, but also my strategy was and has been basically to just make paintings everyday, so people would see I was taking it seriously and in turn take me seriously. ML: And had you been painting much prior? TB: I had made like 7 or 8 paintings in the months leading up to it, so people were aware what I was getting into and I guess displaying some level of skill. Prior to that I hadn’t really painted since around the time my daughter was born in 2012. ML: What kinds of things did you start off painting? TB: In 2012 or in the months before doing it full time? ML: Tell me about 2012, why you took a break for 4 years and then what got you back into it in 2016. TB: When I found out I was going to be a father I had been in college for just a couple semesters taking random art classes. I was just there for the school loans... ya know.. didn’t want to get a job. Anyway I was in a painting class, and it was pretty much my first time painting. I watched the Basquiat documentary “The Radiant Child”, and it made me think about painting in a very different way. A few months after my daughter was born and I won a couple awards for paintings I did for the college’s annual art show. Then I enrolled at the Pacific Northwest College of Art for the Fall semester, but by that point I was learning about hundreds of artist’s on my own time, and was becoming inspired to try all kinds of things other than painting. I felt I did so well that semester that I decided college wasn’t going to be a good use of time or money, so I dropped out and just followed my train of thought for the next 4 years which led back to painting. ML: How did it lead back to painting? TB: I had been driving taxi for a year and a half, and during that time I felt more and more disconnected from any of my previous modes of art making. I was pretty much sitting in the cab making memes and digital collages. Toward the end the collages I was doing started to become more refined, and I started thinking about the merits of painting the imagery I was putting together. The first thing I painted after all that time was an image of flaming goose which was a meme that had been going around. I decided to painted it very large. It was just something I thought would help test the waters again, and also something I figured I’d like to have on my wall. Of course painting a giant meme is going to get a good response online, so I did a couple more, and then painted some scenes from photos, and then from my imagination. Tried to paint the collages I had made but didn’t quite feel right to try to change their medium. ML: Ok so you had a few commissions and then what? You’d post your paintings for sale and people just kept buying them? TB: Yeah although the first 6 months were pretty rough. In April I only made $500, so I was cutting it close, but I was still in the mindset that most artists have, which is like their art has some mysterious value to it and should be expensive, but then I realized it would make more sense if I took it more seriously as a job and charge by the hour, so I started painting more small funny stuff. Like for me it made more sense to sell a bunch of little humorous $50 pieces than cross my fingers on a $300 piece cause it would take me the same amount of time to do 6 of the $50 ones. It wasn’t until around 6 months that I made my first piece that multiple people wanted, and so what I did was make it multiple times, and that’s when things started to pick up. ML: And what was that piece? TB: It was spider man on the floor of an art museum looking up at a painting of a goofy fish with a human face, and spider man is saying in a thought bubble “That Painting Looks The Way I Feel!” It was originally from an old comic and spider man had been looking at some kind of parody Picasso portrait, but you know with memes pieces get replaced, and the mood changes. The fish’s face was a better mood than the Picasso probably.

ML: How many paintings had you made by that point? TB: Around 70, but had sold maybe 20 ML: What materials were you using? TB: During the taxi days I was in the store (Fred Meyer) and saw this canvas that house painters just lay on the floor to catch the paint drips, and I was like damn 4x15ft for $13? I should get some in case I feel up to making some big paintings someday, but I have always been such a frugal person that it wasn’t until I saw the apple barrel brand paints that I was like damn ok lemme just buy a couple of every color and see if I’m into this. I also bought a gallon of white house paint to “gesso” the canvas. I still use this method on big pieces, and can always stretch later, but lately have been buying a lot of canvas already prepped and stretched. ML: So do you only sell through Facebook and Instagram? TB: Yes oddly enough that’s like 95% of sales. A few every now and then from irl shows where I live here in Portland (Oregon).

ML: I want to go back to something for a second. You mentioned you started painting in 2012, but then you won a couple awards a few months later. How old were you. How did you excel so quickly considering you said you hadn’t painted prior and what were those painting? TB: I was 24. I think painting is one of those mediums where “ability” is far more subjective than most things. You can view enough of it without trying it yourself to the point that when you do try you’ll already have a grasp of it. I have been interested in painting my whole life, so picking up the brush I already had thousands of hours of experience just thinking about it ya know, so like with that show at the college I knew I wanted to make something big and bold. So I cut myself a 4x7ft canvas and ended up making this multi-colored deer looking straight ahead with sort of hypnotic gaze. That was a people’s choice award, and the other got me a scholarship offer, but for that one I basically had just copied Twombly lol.

ML: How would you describe your style today? TB: Hmm I try not to, cause I try all kinds of stuff. I feel my technical skill level is mediocre but maybe my creative level is high? Different people are going to appreciate different things, and I’ve always been more interested in what the painting depicts over how it’s made. I mean skill aside I think most paintings are pretty umm I want to say “derivative” haha are people still using that word in serious? I’m having fun though, staying curious, and I think that comes across. What’s the point of describing my “style” anyway?

ML: I’m curious about how you view your own work. TB: I view my own work with my own eyes lol. I view my art like a loving father or maybe more like an observer, a bird watcher? No, ok I think I understand this question now. My approach to painting is often like a mix of writing, drawing, and making memes. Often I have the idea and it doesn’t really matter how I get there unless the technique is the content itself as with a lot of abstract art. Like, I will entirely base a painting on a sentence describing the image itself with little concern about how i will make it. Like “a shuriken stuck in the back of a smiling man”, so I’ll paint some sky, a fence, some grass, blue jeans, man has no shirt, shuriken, blood, he’s holding a beer, he’s smiling alright i did it… nice. That’s one way I view my work as a route to an image. I used to do this all the time before painting. I have an art book from 2015 where I used this method a lot like I’d write down ideas, and then go out and make them happen. Some elements of the end result were arbitrary although I always tried to have good composition and quality documentation. I didn’t think of myself as a photographer though I certainly was and was good at that aspect too, but it was more the means to document my performance, sculpture, installation… sentence made real. I also view a good portion of my paintings as elaborate pages ripped from children’s books that don’t exist (yet) and they’re filled with weird cute characters I never really had any intention to keep making in the first place, but I’m still doing it for some reason maybe because I like the idea of an overarching narrative, but mostly I think cause they give me a deep nostalgia for illustrations in picture books I saw as a kid or like panels from graphic novels.

ML: That answer is all over the place! I guess that’s what i get for asking such a broad question, but there’s a lot to work with there. Tell me about being a Father. You said it was kind of the catalyst to start making art. How do you think it’s affected your work? TB: Naturally it changed everything. Before my daughter was born I was just so much more aloof, timid, uncertain about making anything. I’d spend so many days just floating around “hanging out” drinking, smoking etc. Maybe I’d draw a little, write a little, play some music, but always felt like I was just killing time waiting for something to happen, and then it did. Suddenly I felt obligated to be at home most of the time, ya know, like a good dad. Other than that I was still in school making the most of it for the short time being. So for that first year I was either home with her or at school. I was just making stuff every day all the time, and it became an insatiable habit especially once I started sharing it online. Yeah honestly I felt the pressure was on. Like I had waited too long to pursue my passions so I had to make up for lost time. I’ve been addicted to making and sharing things everyday ever since. As for my daughter’s influence, yeah I love watching her grow and the things she makes inspire me as well. I’m a bit of a romantic when it comes to modern art and its mythos. I still vibe off what picasso said about how it took him his whole life to paint like a child, so I feel really grateful to work with her. I have literally thousands of her drawings stacked all over the place. She’ll sit down and do fifty drawings in an hour so I’ve gotten a white board lol. Also like I mentioned before it was kind of insane of me to quit my job to become a painter, like I have a kid, rent, bills, a car, and I’m just going to suddenly start painting happy devils to pay for all that? Well, yeah it felt like my last chance to make my dreams a reality. I just wanted to be able to say I did my best and tried to make it work, for myself, and to be a role model in that sense as well. So far so good.

ML: There seems be a big disparity between artists who make a living off their work and artists who don’t, and what I mean is that when you think of an artist making a living off their work you usually think either they have gallery representation, some kind of branding, or business making the same kinds of things again and again, and yet you seem to have been able to find some middle ground and do all of those things without a business, a degree, or a gallery. What’s it been like overall/how is it going? TB: I still got my foodstamp card haha, but to be honest things are better than ever. I don’t know I just keep at it every day. My belief has been that if I just keep making stuff the right people will notice. I’ve never submitted my work anywhere or asked for opportunities. I let them come to me. I just want to make the art not deal with the other stuff. If a big gallery wants to make money off me they most certainly will but for now I’ve just been doing small independent spaces, and cafe’s which bring in a little extra money but pretty much all my sales are online where I talk to every single person directly.  The most surprising thing has been how many people are interested given that I have less than 5,000 followers/friends. To me that’s a pretty good sign that as my reach grows so will opportunities and I’ve been going hard these past two years. I think I’m just going to be making bigger, better things as more people become interested. I don’t know any artists doing it this way or any way really. I’m not sure Portland is the place to make it happen, but god bless the internet! Getting a college degree makes no sense whatsoever except for becoming a teacher, and I think we know how that’s playing out these days, so I’m just grateful to be doing what I’m doing even though teaching would be pretty cool. Technically you don’t need a degree to teach you just need people who want to learn.

ML: One thing that seems to have helped you gain momentum is the price of your pieces. I don’t think I’ve ever followed an artist pricing their work so low that wasn’t just really kitschy stencil art or something. I see some of your pieces for $600 that I’d see in a gallery for $6,000 no doubt, but then I see a great deal of $50 pieces. What made you decide to price your work this way? Has it changed over time? TB: Yeah and it’s always the “artists” that comment on the prices being too low which is ironic cause usually all you ever hear from the average person is mocking how ridiculously high the price of art is generally. Basically I think other artist’s scoff because they’re projecting their insecurity regarding the real value of art, and maybe a little envious they can’t let go of their own pieces as though the abstract painting they made in a few hours should be worth thousands when they could be making a dozen similar pieces in a single day.  But um yeah I pretty much think of my stuff as like $30-$50 an hour and really like  that’s fucking amazing for a job. Yeah idk I have worked some shitty jobs, and it doesn’t make sense thinking that my work should be above what a person like myself can afford in the first place. When I first started though I still had the mysterious art value notion and was pricing things around $200 that I’d price $70 now, and didn’t sell much at first. It wasn’t until I started doing smaller pieces and gauging my time that I started selling a lot more and trying a lot of different things. It’s not like i’m making art specifically about making money but I can understand why people are so interested in this aspect. I don’t think it’s very common huh. When I first started I tried to justify it as a performance piece called “The Painter” haha. I used to title all sorts of things in my mind as a means to cope with the daunting reality of the situation “Working Construction”, 2014. Even during some of the lowest points I think it helped me maintain the peculiar sense of an artist identity I didn’t want to let go of even if I was letting go of everything else like “Burning All My Journals & Paintings″, 2015

ML: Haha what is that last one about? TB: Around the time I stopped living with my wife and moved into my own place I decided to not bring much along with me. I think the title is self-explanatory. ML: I’m wondering if you could talk about any reoccurring themes or characters in a lot of your paintings like the blob fish or spicy boys. TB: Ya know I think most everything just comes to me on a whim and if it works out or holds my interest I’ll keep playing with it. I guess blob fish and spicy boys are like representative of the comedy/tragedy masks or something. I think I’ve simplified a lot of themes in my paintings just so I can keep the flow going. I’m looking forward to spending more time and space on pieces in the future and elaborate on certain things I’ve wanted to express but didn’t know how to put into words. ML: How so? TB: Well, for example. Sometimes I will paint something I’ve seen in my mind, like, dreamed or hallucinated, but not often because a lot of the time I feel I can’t do it justice even though a lot of my stuff is very much informed by these things that I don’t exactly control. It’s like I take video stills from the internet except they’re from my mind, and the screenshot is something I only had to opportunity to view briefly, but even with a split second hallucination I will think about it for weeks and often will just paint its most basic components. Anyway I’m gearing toward eventually elaborating on the more complex ones because lately I have had some visions that have come to the forefront of my interest. Hopefully will get to them after a few more pet portrait commissions haha. ML: What do you mean by hallucinations? Is your inspiration mainly inspired by dreams or do you mean drugs as well? TB: Most things I just write down as interesting ideas to play with, but I guess I don’t want to get too much into talking about drugs. However there have some recent experiences I’ve had with substances like dmt and the things I saw during that I have been thinking about ever since. So right now I’m just trying to get to the end of commissions and then give my attention to some new projects. Have a show in March. Don’t know what I’ll do for it, but certainly no shortage of ideas.

ML: Where do you see yourself going or where would you like to go, and any other thoughts on painting/selling/art in general? TB: I want to go to the top haha. Well in most ways things are better than ever, and I’m incredibly grateful and I can certainly tolerate having things going at this pace at least another year, but would like to make more serious/invested work that I’m really proud of, get some more money and attention and access to better time/space/materials. At this point though even if I had to get a day job I feel I’m completely committed to doing this work. It’s pretty much how I gauge my self-worth for better or worse. Just hope I can find my groove within the process and better understand myself, inspire others, and I wish I had something more insightful to say, but at the moment I’m a bit preoccupied hustling and just having fun with this upcoming show. Thank yaaaa.

[iintotheocean-blog]

Sure be cool if you did

Well the school year is almost over. Can you believe it? I made it through an entire year of college. Again. I didn’t accomplish many things I wanted to, though. But I guess thats what next year will be for.

I’m moving home next week. Back to my parents’ house for the summer. I’ll be working at the security gig again, but back at the bottom. None of this $18/hr crap, now I’m making $10.50/hr. Isn’t that great. But at least I’ll be back with my old buddies and we can have a good time for the next few months.

Kim moved away. To Seattle. She’s been on the road for the last 2 days. Probably got there by now. I’m kinda sad about that. If there was ever a chance (there wasn’t) it’s gone now. Then again, I may be moving to Seattle in a few years anyway. I want a condo with a nice view. Hopefully this degree will help with that.

I’ve been doing better in school. The first half of this semester was a disaster. I fell down into a depression again. I could barely get anything done. I couldn’t concentrate, and I was just miserable. I started seeing a counselor, and eventually a psychiatrist. We think I may have ADHD-PI, which may be the base cause of a lot of my issues. The concentration, procrastination, forgetfulness, social isolation, anxiety, etc. I’m supposed to receive a ritalin prescription this week or next. Hopefully it will come in before next Friday, because I have to move to start working. Anyway, I have a lot of hope.

Lol, the above paragraph is pretty common of my ADHD. I was going to describe how my semester has gotten better lately, but turned into something else. Anyway, my semester got better. Not socially or mentally, mind you, but academically. I’ve been keeping myself busy with schoolwork to avoid boredom. I get bored so easily, it sucks. But it’s good for schoolwork sometimes I guess. 

I had to make a virtual stack machine in Java as a semester project. I was anxious about it and putting it off all semester. Yesterday, I opened it up and took a crack at it. And finished it. In one day. I’m really good at programming, I’ll give myself that one. I’m really proud of that stack machine too, because it really goes to show how far I’ve come since coming here. It often feels like I’m not learning anything (anything useful anyway), but I now intricately understand stacks, callstacks, assembly, processor architecture, databases, and a variety of other things. This fall, I’ll be taking one of the most difficult classes in the course, Data Structures and Algorithms. Hopefully with my programming skills and the help of the ritalin, I’ll do well.

So, I’ve been losing weight as well. Like, a lot. I’ve lost 25 pounds since I started working at it last fall. Granted, that’s not as much as it could be, but its still good. I’m at 171 right now. I’ve actually been losing fat, even though I’ve been platueued at the same weight for the last 3 months. I’ve been hitting the gym consistently. I think it really helps manage a lot of the depression and anxiety I feel. I’m gaining muscle mass and have upped weight on most sets. Hopefully by this fall I’ll have shaved off the rest of this fat and have a beach bod.

I was feeling pretty down about my looks for a while. Feeling fat and ugly and undesirable. Short. I don’t know. I posted some pictures on /r/amiugly and the response was an overwhelming NO. In fact, I received over 20 comments telling me I’m attractive. One girl even gave me a 7.5/10, one said I was “really freakin cute” and another said “I’d date you.” So, I’ve actually been feeling better about my looks lately. Which is good, because thats always been one of the big things that keeps me socially isolated.

So, social isolation. I’ve been feeling pretty lonely lately. Ha. It’s funny. I remember starting this blog in 2015 and I had just started feeling lonely. Before I started this blog, I was actually quite happy with being single. I had been in that messy relationship for 2 years, and being free and unchained was a huge boon to my mental health. I felt confident back then too, like I could easily get girls. I mean, when I was in a relationship I could barely keep them off of me. Lol, not really. But it felt that way sometimes. I was very confident and easily talked to girls. In fact, one of the biggest reasons I left Amanda was because I felt like I could do so much better. Who knew I’d end up where I am now?

It’s been 3 years since I’ve been in a relationship. It’s been over 6 months since I last got laid. just over 7 I think, actually. And that was a fluke. She only slept with me to get back at Casey. I tried to woo her again a bit over a month ago, but even with a bottle of wine and an evening spent at her apartment, nothing happened. I just have no game anymore. I should be able to woo girls. I mean, we’ve already slept together, I’m attractive, we had alcohol in our systems, and we spent at least an hour on the topic of sex. And yet...? Nada. I don’t know.

That’s what really bothers me. I don’t even try anymore. Before, I tried and failed. That sucked, but at least I tried. I mean, think about it. Christina, Amanda, Courtney, Tiffany Judy, TCU chick, Kim, exchange program chick, Hannah. I may even include Lauren in that list. I mean, most of those led to nothing, but at least I made an effort. Now, I don’t even try. I don’t know why not. Let’s try a thought experiment.

I see a gorgeous girl sitting alone who I feel is in my league. I want to talk to her. What happens? I should talk to her. I just walk away. Nothing goes through my mind, no feelings occur other than shame. Why do I walk away? If I start to approach, I get nervous. The more I approach, the more nervous I get. Some thoughts run through my head, like “What do I say?” or possible openers. My heart starts racing. I start feeling nauseous. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up. If I give it an attempt, I come off as very nervous and kind of weird. I can’t think of anything to say other than general small talk. Either she gets up and leaves or I do. I spend the rest of the day feeling like COMPLETE shit, replaying the embarrassment in my head, playing alternate conversations in my head, and may even consider suicide.

Wow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds like social anxiety to me. Thats just ridiculous. The weird thing is that its only when it’s in that context. Need to talk about academics? work? Ask to borrow something? No problem. Hmm. Maybe that should be my opener then. Hey, do you have a stapler I can borrow? Then while I use it, just talk about what I’m doing, ask her what shes doing, etc.

Alright. Lets try another thought experiment. You’re at the bar. You see a girl you would like to talk to sitting alone, or is obviously the only one in the group w/o a boyfriend. You’ve been scoping her out and she’s available to talk to. You’re slightly drunk. She’s drinking too. A good dance song is on. What do you do?

I think about it. I tell Casey. He encourages me to go over there. I say no and laugh it off. Then feel shame. Alright what happens if you decide to walk over. I walk over, drink in hand. I approach from the front-side so she doesn’t get spooked. I stop next to her, and say hi. She says hi. Assuming she doesn’t ignore me, look at me weird, or tell me to fuck off, I ask if she would like to dance. If she says no, thank her for her time and leave. Feel dejected. Start drinking heavier. Go home and hate myself. If she says yes, tell her, “I gotta warn you though, I’m new to two-stepping.” If still yes, then take her hand and walk onto the dance floor. Get her name, ask her if she goes to school here. Eventually take the conversation off of the dance floor. Try to get her number.

Ugh. See. It’s not that hard. It’s all in my head. ITS ALL IN MY HEAD. Why?? Why can’t I make it stop. Fuck. Well. Fuck. I hope the Ritalin solves this somewhat. I read online that it can help immensely with confidence. I believe it. When I popped molly I was very social and not anxious at all. Same with shrooms, kind of. Well, I guess we will find out. 

I just hope this social isolation ends soon. I’m driving myself crazy. I’m actually just typing this because I have no one to talk to right now and I just need to get some of these thoughts out of my head so I can relax. They won’t leave until I start letting them out in some way or another. I can’t handle being alone anymore though. I find myself pretending I have a girlfriend when I’m alone. Grabbing at the air, closing my eyes and imagining I’m cuddling, having pretend conversations with the chair next to me. Talking about my day to the only thing that will listen. I’ve actually written more on this post than I wrote for my semester essay. Lol. Fuck.

Anyway. It’s going to be really awkward if anyone ever finds this blog. They’ll think I’m insane or something. Pretending to talk to someone. They probably just don’t know what it’s like to be so isolated by your own mind. It’s terrible. It’s a living hell that I wouldn’t wish upon anybody.