#last thing im still manifesting all the shit ive been manifesting this week i wont give up that easy

[mossdogs]

alright so i watched the eps (spoilers under the cut)

i kinda liked these, they arent terrible. sexy ed felt like og ch at times and that was great! seems like they r finding their footing. ALSO MR B SAID WESLEY!!! THREE TIMESSSSS!!!!!

my issue however is w the pairings. it seems like they said "oh right!! these two couples!! we forgot abt those!!". as much as i like cleo and frida together, it was... a bit rushed?? same w harriet and confucius, in their case it felt... random. there was no sign that they had a crush on each other (asides from those bits from the intro) and im not sure why they did that (probably to introduce another love triangle or smth who knows. maybe for the drama). it rubs me the wrong way i dont have a good feeling abt them ik that when they rush a couple in this show its cuz they r setting some shit up. i dunno im still not rlly attached to them but we'll see w time.

oh and the joa/nfk breakup!! that was a tough one. i stopped rooting for them ever since joan had that sex dream w abe cuz i knew that some shit was coming, so it didnt affect me as much as it could have. it was handed.. pretty well! if they dont get together again, at least they can be friends and find other ppl. lord and miller mentioned that they play w couples a lot and that they r always changing whos dating who so i find it logical that they want to experiment w other characters too.

anyways besides that im biased for cleo/frida so im glad that they r canon, i can make an exception and forgive the writing in their case, confucius/harriet hasnt grown on me much yet. mr b and scudworth r the best part as always their b plot carried ep7 pretty much, i dont care abt the rest gb

[huntsman-ash]

LiveThoughts: RWBY V8E6

Second attempt at this since last time Chrome just DIED for no reason...

Im going to put literally the entire thing with Cinder under one note; Called it.

Its a great set of stuff, sure, but it doesnt relaly tell us anything we didnt already know about Cinder, and I personally feel it doesnt really explain why she turned out the way she did. I feel like we’ve had another weird twist of the situation again...M+K? Coronas fault? Who knows. Either way, this section isnt great by my taste and I kinda skipped most of it. 

Few things to note though; Apperently in Mistral scrubbing by hand is still more viable floor cleaning tech than using Dust.

The wind vane on the roof has the Rooster Teeth symbols rooster on it. 

The hotel Cinder is bought by is named the Glass Unicorn, fittingly enough for...several reasons. 

The coffees behind the stepsisters when we first see them are the animated versions of the real life stuff RT put out just before this season went live. 

No one seems to notice the fact cinder has orange eyes. I wonder if weird eye colors are just a THING in Remnant?

The control collar/shock thing is incredibly inefficient in design, since it doesnt actually hold on to her very well. A more effective brace/choker design would have worked better.

The song that goes on during all of this is...kind of obvious and a little bland? Fitting for younger Cinder I guess. 

Mmm. Random greasy huntsman. 

I guess in Atlas its fine to laugh at struggling teenagers?

Im going to assume there’s a 3+ year gap here where she gets older, cause she stops being smol and gets closer to how we see her now.

Also even here, in Atlas...really? The most effective way to clean these carpeted floors is to have a TEENAGER SCRUB THEM BY HAND?

How do you scrub...I assume its carpet anyway?

And how you tell civilians are lame in Atlas; they are impressed...by a sword.  Just a sword. A boring, half-cut sword. Losers.

I assume this would be Cinder’s semblance manifesting. Also note on the desk; “we do not serve faunus”. Well THAT doesnt surprise me.

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHE. Get fucked Cinder. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

I dont even feel pity for her, this is funny to me.  Also the fact that this kind of shit aCTUALLY EXISTS is...amusing to me. Like, really? So I guess indentured servitude is a thing in Remnant too. 

And this is why Cinder likes to use swords. Really. Wow. LAMEO.

Huh. Dual maces. Interesting. Thats a prety cool weapon.  Looks like they open up too. Bet he could bash some skulls with that.

“Hurting them isnt going to make your life any better”. Um, excuse me? I think hurting them is the very best thing to do in this situation. At least, for the moment anyway. 

Huh. So she’s ten at this point? Even as a child, shes older than she looks. 

And training montage. Huh. Or at least I assume it is. I get the feeling being able to go where you want too and do what you want too is the main reason Hunters exist. There must be crazy tight immigration laws...or, maybe, its just that traveling between kingdoms is stupid dangerous cause of Grimm. I think the latter is most likely considering every form of public transit extra-kingdom we’ve seen (even between cities, see Argus Limited) has some kind of defensive weaponry. Limited and ineffective, for th emost part oddly.

So you can take the exam at 18. Okay cool. Pre-that must be prep school. Wonder what happens if you wash out? Also I like how this dude is just “yeah, 7 years of training, we got this.”

I think this is the first time we’ve seen the other side of the moon. Or at least, the proper other side...bloody hell I STILL dont know how all those piesces are still held in place, the thing looks like it should start yeeting bolides at Remnant. 

Better still we see it MOVE, rotate in time to the passing of years. So it literally does rotate on its own axis, and more importantly, unlike OUR moon, its NOT tidally locked. We only ever see the same side of our moon. REmnants rotates MUCH faster. Also it doesnt seem to have phases like ours does. I’ll check on why that is. 

Well at least we have an explanation for why Cinders so damn good at fighting people. Trained by an Atlas Huntsman.

Also as a note the device is quite literally just an electrical Dust crystal attached to a necklace. Things the most inefficent torture device Ive ever fucking seen. 

Wonder how often they have to change the crystal.

And there goes the moon rotating again.

I like how NO ONE comment on the blade going missing and that guy never came back for it. I guess he must have just bought a new one.

I get the very distinct feeling they wont just let her go honestly, permission or not. 

AWWW WE DONT EVEN GET TO SEE CINDER MURDER THE SISTERS. Also no blood. Odd.  Good kill on the  stepmother though. Oh, that NECK CRACK.  I like how all the bitch can do is try and shock Cinder, like, uh...adrenaline up? SHE HAS A SWORD? MAYBE FIGHT BACK?

Hah. Weak ass fuckin Atlas people.  Also the clock going off in the back ground twelve times. How fitting. Welcome to midnight. 

Also shes kind of glowing here cause the room is dark, and I find it amusing this is probably the last time she wears white.

And THERES the Cinder we know

Sick ass music, cool. Also THAT is an interesting semblance...I guess he turns himself to metal? Also DAMN his aura broke after THAT? Hes a Huntsman...ah who cares. Again probably in Cinders memory more than anything. Which at this point is probably about as reliable as a coked up hookers.

SHANKED. Sucker. You shoulda seen THAT one coming.

And thats all it took to get the shock collar off. Lol. 

So what happened to the hotel? Did they just...write it off? I mean four people got murdered in there...

And now we’re back on the whale. HOW THE SCREAMING FUCK DID CINDER JUST...

Wow. She just got up after eating that blast. Fucking plot armor.

Merc making the hard calls honestly.  Im actually gonna watch all of this now which is nice because I want to know whats happening in the real world. PITY MORE THAN HALF THE EPISODE WAS THIS FUCKING FILLER.

I like how Cinder just...goes quiet the moment she realizes shes lost Mercury. Not that he was USEFUL mind you but if I had to guess she liked being the boss. But now shes...basically back where she started. 

So the whale is basically a ship. It has a bridge. Probably Salems throne room.

Man, Oscars literally just RTs punching bag this season isnt he? Literally in this case. 

His clothes are still scortched too which I find interesting.  The black eyes also staying. Auras not back up then? Aura repair and regen seems...werid half the time. Like RT does what they want with it.

Ah so someone finally says it...but at the same time what exactly does Salem have to fear? If she cant fight the whole world...what could they do? Maybe overwhelming her? It...Im having a hard time putting the “she cant be stopped” with “shes afraid of fighting all of Remnant”. 

Somethings missing here. I know it.

The sound of the “door” opening reminds me of the Flood doors in High Charity in Halo 3s Cortana. Fleshy twisting.

Mention from Hazel, but AGAIN...no details. I guess if you nail down how she can do stuff its harder to write? 

Glad someone made a comment on the futility of the Hunter academies. 

I really hate how Salems giving us creepy mommy shades. 

Hmm. So yeah the bridge IS the throne room/command deck. I like how Neo doesnt give a fuck is just casually kneeling. 

Ah okay THATS why he grabbed the scroll. 

Heh. Interesting. How exactly does this work I wonder. 

...Why does Salem have a ring. Has she always had that ring?

Neo looking at the Hound like “oh, I could ride this thing”. 

Oh cool the Ace Ops. And they’re arguing, shocker. Sounds like Elm doesnt trust tech either. No shock there.  Idiot.

Atlas elite. Yeah, right.

Huh, is this a Manta with landing gear? I guess they do have them...seems kind of silly to have them so high up though. I guess thats what the thing under the door is for, so they can deploy a ramp. Man, I really dont like Atlas’s airship design.

Hare needs some fuckin suppresants. 

Annnnddd...here we go, things go straight to hell. I was warned of this. I am going to try and not be mad...but from what Ive heard the incomptence of the military in this particular section is astronomical.

Huh. So...Grimm can be convirted into a rock-punching liquid? Interesting. Has that always been a thing or... Also why the fuck are you jsut standing there in awe, go kill the fucking thing! Fucking Specialists.

...that is all it took to get through Atlas’s shield? THAT?

I also love how no one does anything. Ironwoods like “wait what the fuck”. Come on bro. 

And...thats the Atlas navy. Everyone. Two lasers. One of which missed. Remind me again what exactly these things are used to shoot?

Wait, no, that took down part of it, and then the rest is, surprise, hitting the soft rock on the outside. 

THERE goes the shield. 

Hang on a second, how long have those giant squid things been there?

And...what. The whale just approaches, nothing happens? You’ve got 12 fucking ships there, shoot the fucking thing.

Again, WHY IS NO ONE DOING ANYTHING?

Oh, it just beach-headed. Okay fine, whatever. 

Im not really worried.

Lets see how RT makes this WORSE though...

And thats this weeks episode.

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP.4

Last time on Beverly Hills 90210!

Hibiki begins to understand the true nature of the Sam Reimi Spiderman trilogy as she lives the life of a superhero by night and a normal student by day in the most miserable way possible. Constant cockblocking from the duties she explicitly chose to do distance her from her significant other Miku, as it drives wedges into their friendlationship. As Hibiki breaks off a plan prepped weeks in advance to see rocks fall from the sky, she takes out her frustration on the local Kamen Rider villian rejects before coming up to see Tsubasa, only to be greeted by a new face...

Let us continue!

As the situation tenses between the three gi- hey! Hey, wait a minute! This is a flashback! That’s no fair. You’re just going to throw this to us while we’re trying to do this stuff? Get it together, show.

The show hauls our asses to a flashback, because God knows we needed one right now. It’s not just any flashback, though. It’s a flashback of our favorite redhead, Kanade!

In a straightjacket.

While everyone is staring.

“i dont usually do this but you’ve got a bad case of catch-these-handsitis”

“oh god, she’s so wild, and angry... i... why am i hoping she’s single...?”

“aye. this is the fate of all rabiosexuals out there.”

Kanade is tied down because she’s the sole survivor of a Noise attack, and more importantly, she really, really wants to fight the Noise. What she doesn’t know is that she is potentially a new candidate for a Symphogear relic.

“oh... we’d pair so well... our colors are diametrically opposed...”

“GIMMIE A FUCKING GUN AND A TEN PIECE CHICKEN MCNUGGET MEAL YOU GUY FIERI LOOKING ASSHOLE”

Genjuro, who suffers from Compulsive Child Adopting Syndrome (CCAS), immediately comes to the conclusion to adopt this tiny gremlin. It helps that her parents are, well, dead.

Fatherly instincts vibrating intensely.

Genjuro talks to this small child, who is currently 99% anger and 1% chicken fluff, scanning their conviction towards working to the goal of fighting the Noise.

In retrospect, his methods are a bit weird. Feeding into the extreme edginess of a 14 year old scorned isn’t exactly the best thing in the world. Unfortunately, as we established before, the only thing that can fight Noise are Symphogear, and the only reason he’s not in the front lines is because he can’t wield one.

Kanade naturally obliges this deal, her braincells having long since perished alongside her parents. Then Perish indeed, Kanade.

“buddy im being trained as a samurai in modern times and i still could not fathom going as hard as you”

The pact is sealed. The child is adopted. Genjuro’s adoption addiction relapses, and he’s going to have quite a long talk at AA (Adopters Anonymous).

The thing about Genjuro that makes him an interesting character is that he actually really, really, really hates the idea of having to pit children in fighting these horrible threats. Unlike a lot of male characters who have a strong sense of manliness but a poorly written way of expressing it, Genjuro manages to be a compassionate person in the face of all this terribleness. He’s the only person to think about throwing parties for these girls, and trying to give them any sort of sense of happiness and normalcy to their lives, now changed forever by machinations he has been put in charge of. He’s the Anti-Gendo. He doesn’t tell Shinji to get in the robot. He makes sure Shinji is well enough to be in the robot, and would never do so otherwise, knowing the mental toll.

That’s why ultimately, he is The Dad.

So, with that in mind, they prep Kanade to recieve the relic assigned to her. One of the major elements of using relics is compatibility. Kanade is not naturally compatible to Gungnir; they have to slowly ease her into it.

“mumble mumble cant wait to kick their asses mumble mumble”

This is a process that takes years. The show doesn’t do well in showing this, but it takes many, many years for her to be compatible after endless medical examinations and controlled situations.

The experiments, naturally, hurt like a bitch to boot.

“genjuro she’ll be okay, right?”

“flip a coin on it, tsubasa”

“oh shit yall see this news? pornhubs gonna buy tumblr! damn, i can make an all in one profile now.”

When you’re forced to watch your newly adopted daughter torture herself to be compatible with an ancient, musty cursed relic.

After all that, Kanade still isn’t compatible. Of course, nothing is simple with Kanade. You may ask yourself, “Why did Genjuro have to tie up Kanade in a straitjacket? That seems pretty abusive.”

Simply put, it’s because Kanade has never fucked around in any second of her life, having taken off all the devices on her, taken a direct syringe of the stuff she’s trying to synchronize with, and directly inject it into her, herself.

Fear.

“i am so SICK, and TIRED, of all this namby pamby wimpy ass standard shit. YALL MOTHERFUCKERS THINK I WONT GO FULL THROTTLE?! MY LIFE IS FULL THROTTLE. I! AM! GONNA! GET! SHIT! DONE! TONIGHT! BOYYYYS!”

Tsubasa, likely already going through puberty by this point, simultaneously understands both the concepts of fear and arousal witnessing this near suicidal display of absolute madness immediately.

Holy shit, Kanade.

You know shit’s bad when even Ryoko is afraid.

Turns out, however, that Kanade did the right move in becoming compatible with Gungnir, at a very physically demanding price.

Really, physically demanding.

“shouldnt have had that massive spaghetti carbonara before doing all this shit but fuck i really liked that fuckin’ spaghetti slorp slorp go the sauce ooooooooh god this is bad”

“HAHA IM FINE- IM FINE EVERYONE- THIS- THIS IS JUST THE SPAGHETTI- I HAD BEFORE THE- BEFORE THE PROCEDURE IT’S NOT- IT’S NOT BLOOD I SWEAR- OH I AM FEELING LIGHTHEADED- DON’T WORRY YOUR PRETTY HEADS IM GOOD! OH- OH FUCK-”

The scientists, who have been easily staring at this entire situation for more than 5 minutes or more, have not stepped in to do a single damn thing, as if overpowering a 14 year old to stop her from injecting a dangerous thing that could directly kill her is completely out of their paygrade. Genjuro wakes them the fuck up and likely briefly contemplates firing some of these morons.

“so this is what’s called... getting lost in the sauce...”

The scientists scramble to keep Kanade from vomiting more marinara sauce but Kanade exerts but a mere fraction of her now developing Symphogear abilities, knocking them all out with ease.

“this is some shit right here, damn”

Kanade pulls some Independence Day theatrics on everyone, as a 14 year old on the verge of death typically would if given the opportunity. Death may be certain but you at least get to go out in style. Will Smith would be proud.

The half-life of Tsubasa’s fearousal reached completion as it has mostly decayed into fear at this point.

However, the relic pendant begins glowing. This is likely the one thing that keeps Kanade from dying. An interesting comparison given Hibiki’s own survival and gear manifestation.

Kanade achieves super saiyan.

“THEY ALL SAID I WAS LOST IN THE SAUCE... AND THEY ALL THOUGHT THE SAUCE WAS LOST IN ME. BUT NOW... I AM THE SAUCE!”

Tsubasa’s fear directly transmutes itself back into arousal per the first law of alchemy. Something to note is that Tsubasa was naturally receptive to her own gear; she didn’t need to go through the medical process Kanade went through. It’s because of this that Kanade earns Tsubasa’s admiration for life, even long after she dies.

“THE SAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUCCCEEEEEEEEEE”

And so, the unambiguously gay duo known as Zwei Wing formed. Singers by day...

Noise slayers by night.

Saving the country, singing in the country, bonding together... in the country. Truly, there is no more iconic duo than these two.

“yall sing pretty”

“anyway bye”

Kanade’s initial motivation for getting Gungnir was to kill the Noise indiscriminately with no hesitation. It slowly dawns on her, though, that helping people... is good?

“the sauce lost me. i got lost in the sauce. i became the sauce. but... why don’t i... share, the sauce? because... people like sauce... and i like sauce... and we can bond together... liking sauce!”

Kanade and Tsubasa have a Captain America moment running together as Kanade muses about how singing for other people feels way better than just pure murder funtimes.

“hey, uh... tsubasa... it just hit me. i like sauce. and... you, you like sauce. do... do you want to share sauce together?”

“kanade as your girlfriend ive literally heard you talk about sauce metaphors for the last several years and if you dont think i wont slurp your sauce down without hesitation you’ve got another thing coming”

“hell yeah! ive still got some of my original leftover marinara to share!”

No heterosexual explanation whatsoever.

Not a damn one.

Oh yeah...! Because by shedding tears, the reality you face is...

Nehushtan? Weird end of a sentence, but okay.

We’re thrust back into the present time, present day, as we’re back in our three way throwdown.

Genjuro is an extra large McFuckingPissed with Large Fries and a Shake, supersized.

“you want some sauce with that? lmao, sorry, too soon”

As the werewolves come out in full force, the tension strengthens while a battle brews nearby...

“yall think you’re getting your hands on this goddamn armor without realizing im officiating this here gay pride parade. and guess what? you’re cancelled.”

“didn’t know clowns were part of the acronym, let alone capable of managing it. either way, you’ve gotta be at least this tall to use the armor.” 

“so why not make like a hobbit, drop the armor, and burrow back to whatever hidey hole you came from, bimbo baggins!”

“guess you didnt read the books, moron. last i checked, bilbo doesn’t lose his traveling partners.”

“that low blow only comes at the cost of outing yourself as a fucking nerd.”

“im not ashambed. im gonna blow your mind with some math: my foot, plus your face, subtracting the teeth from your mouth, equals an ass kicking.”

“NOTHING IN THAT FORMULA INVOLVES ANY ASS WHATSOEV-”

Hibiki gets in the way immediately, citing the ethical ramifications of fighting humans as opposed to talking to them, conveniently forgetting this was the same person ready to body her merely an episode or two ago.

“hey first of all please don’t say bimbo thats really degrading, and second of all clowns aren’t actually in the acronym but im sure there are some gay clowns out there so please dont talk like that and thirdly im sorta short and that hurt my feelings and fourthly killing is fucking bad, tsubasa, let us not commit human on human murder”

both of them, in unison, i shit you not:

“yo, you like murder? shit. i like murder too!”

“like oh my god! murder is my favorite hobby. i take it back, you’re chill. still gotta die, though.”

Hibiki is casually tossed aside from this fight, given her very ideas are anti-thetical to fighting as a whole.

A real sick battle ensues.

Something to note is that our spunky opponent has another relic at her disposal which summons Noise. This relic is called Solomon’s cane. You’ll learn more about it later.

Not a pretty sight.

Tsubasa is losing. Not only is she losing, but the enemy cool kid reveals a very notable detail of her plan: She was distracted Tsubasa on purpose. The real plan...

Was to kidnap Hibiki.

In an ironic twist, Tsubasa’s inability to work with her teammate not only put her teammate in danger, but explicitly allowed her opponent to fulfill her mission of trying to capture her.

“i changed my mind kick her ass please oh god”

Hibiki still has not learned her lesson.

Tsubasa gets her ass kicked. Her opponent pulls every punch in the book, with some lowdown dirty fighting.

Unfortunately, Tsubasa, having learned from the Kanade Amou Private School Of No Brain Cell Combat, she pulls the last ace from her sleeve.

“lmao bitch whatre you gonna do, sing?”

“i didnt design my hair like a fucking 8th note for nothing, you cabbage patch kid”

“then let’s hear it, motherfucker.”

[lifeinthegladhouse]

after g*** died, i took a pause again from the spiritual world, well, a pause as much as i could (i mean aside from whatever shit i myself wantonly manifest). things seemed quiet. we had one instance a few days after he died that was quite beautifully coincidental, but, no weird things falling or snapping or crackling or, well, the things that happened when mom died. maybe because she was vindictively spiritual in a powerful way, it carried into death, and our bond was strong (despite her abuse), when i think strongly of her Shit Does Happen. with g***, we didnt spend as much time in person, ever, at all, even though he was really instrumental in who i am today, and in my life in the last ten years.... i hate that i cant see him, and will never see him again, i hate that we only got to meet a few times, and it was so strange and in passing. now dad is the only one left. i laid awake last night with fear. i cried. it happens to me sometimes. i autopilot the day, i find joy amidst the grief, and then i worry. now that ive faced death twice in 8 months, of two of the most important people in my family to die (2 out of 3 people that im am or have been close to, or were integral to me) ... i know, in part, what's coming to me. i now know how the death of a person takes it's own shape, like a weird translucent person, an after effect. how loss feels like a cold rattle, sweeping the dust out of every corner, you know you wont be alone because someday death will claim you too. when he goes, anyone who knew me back then, my family, will be gone. i have two half siblings that i am not, and will likely never be, actually close to. my mothers sister is still alive but she's a devout christian and ive never been close to her. in fact she could actually be dead. i dont know. my dads sister doesnt talk to me. its all unknowns. when hes gone im alone with my ancestors to my back, as the wind under my wings, encouraging me on. ill only have my dear sweet partner. every day i think of this. i try not to cry. i try to steel my face. i try to realize it happened to g*** too in a horrific way, ten years earlier than me, in life. and he lived his life to the fullest. i was the only person in the family, after that, decades later, with which he ever really probably got close to, and im honored. i still cant understand that hes gone, because we only corresponded online due to distance and his traveling life style. it's weird. like he's taking a 'break'. just 'gone' from the internet, gone in real life. i miss him. i miss my mom. a month and three days from now will be a year since finding out mom would pass, calling her in the hospital and she was high on morphine and dying, the first time id spoken to her in ten years since she ran away. a week later, she died. june 1st, the first day of pride. the country burned with the g* flyd riots. i was so proud. i was so proud for my comrades. i sat in that horrible hotel in texas with the screaming mockingbirds and horrid damp air conditioner. i took benzos and cbd. i entertained my brother who just drank and drank and drank and stared through me. g*** was there for me the whole time. in his way. i will never forget. i still dont know how to process this stuff. if i look at pictures of him, or listen to his bands, i just cry. it feels weird. i dont even let myself, b/c the shock and pain when he died was so strong. when i have to deal with his arrangements still, i get anxious. i start yelling. i become not how i normally am. last night grief sat on my chest like a fucking boulder and i just painfully breathed in and out and bared my teeth. i think of Coyote alone in the badlands, fur rustling in the soft wind. i think of leather jacket on rider, alone. i think of odinn wandering, alone, the Hermit. I think of the absolute of the atom bomb, and the cloud, and the desert, and everything dead beneath it, hot vibrating atoms. i think of love. i think of eternity. i think of death.

[gtforubie]

hi hello 

well, ive started my new online school! finally. 

i am also typing this on my brand new macbook which i saved up for so it feels good to have something new you know. 

i have my surgrey next week. today mum pointed out my weight loss which makes me want to go harder but i need to be healthy according to mum for my surgrey. so i guess thats what i need to do. im still going to only eat dinner everyday and have vitamin c along with my iron pills. 

i will have a snack during the day to help the day before my surgrey since im not sure if i can eat meals the day of my surgrey. 

my anxiety is getting bad. my depression is getting bad. i had a online therapy and i really just want help but i dont want them to tell my parents because honestly thats the last thing i want. i want to keep my mental health journey to myself as of right now. i dont need to tell my friends everything. 

all i want to do is delete every bit of social media, re do my bedroom, start something new, workout everyday, have a good sleep schedule, not procastante every fucking thing i do, maintain a routine, read books and invest in me. its hard. i want to love myself so bad but its always negativity. i feel constantly empty and not motivated to do anything at all. its fucking annoying and i just want to focus on me. i want to have a group of friends where i know i will be included and feel welcomed and have that undenying love for me. 

recently my manifestations have been coming true so i guess this means i need to manifest some more things? i guess to add on. 

i literally spent alot of money on new clothes but im going to feel so confident once i am able to wear them and actually look at myself and feel secure. im going to work hard for my body. im so exhausted today but tomorrow i want to try the 12, 3, 30 workout on the treadmill and then if i have any extra energy i will do a dance workout. burn the extra calories. feel confident. secure. 

i seriously need a hug, not from my parents, siblings or family members. i need a genuine *i am happy to see you and i missed you* hug. like not a quick little 2 second hug i want a good 10 second hug where we appreciate eachother for a moment and just absorb the warmth of another person. 

i honestly just need some company. the weeks of quarantine has drawn me away from so many people. idk what im going to do when i get out of quarantine, but hey its a chance idk. i hope we get to stay in level three for another week honestly, it gives me time to heal and be more sure to go out, cause i know im going to be in bed for awhile and i wont be able to go out and about and stuff. i read that im not allowed to wear a underwire bra after my breast reduction so i guess im going to be in bralettes which shouldnt be too bad. 

i want genuine friendships like yeah i have friends but sending face photos bac and fourth for days or even weeks maybe even months isnt exactly getting close or anything else in that perspective. 

im going to be in bed alot after my surgrey so im def gonna be on bed rest for around a week i think and then i can start going out after around two weeks. i think i need to buy some wire free bras. 

i dont think mum and dad can afford my surgery, they told me they could but then mum said theres alot of debt. so awesome making me feel shit for getting something thats been in the works for over a year and a half. apeareatice it. 

im really living in the past right now and i honestly just need to move forward with my life. i dont think there will be really any hosts during the week once quarantine is finished because we may go back to school and go back to our normal lives, but yeah i dont know. ill get to see people in the weekend i guess. 

i miss having guy friends, like a friendship where we are just friends. nothing more. like all my guy mates are taken and only care about their girlfriends so they push you away until they need something or when she goes to sleep. like come on. 

my mind is so over all of this. when coming out of quarantine i want to fully embrace alot about life, i want to take care of myself, work on my mental health and move forward with myself. this is the year where i want to feel mentally stable. i hate opening up to my parents. i fucking hate it. 

because they treat me differently the moment i say something which makes me angry. 

[docj-md]

Q1

so quarantine was supposed to be good for me.  im not sure if im sad because of the hormones from my period but im fucked up. i wish i wasnt trapped with my parents i wish i was by myself.  everything makes me sick to my fucking stomach 

my mom may be sick and its stressing me out because i dont think shes really sick with corona as shes implying, i think shes going through menopause and fuck it bad enough i have to deal with her on her period when im on mine shes going to be hella sensitive she needs fucking help and she wont go like actual mental fucking help.

ive stopped talking to my cousins for the time being theyre fucking irritating. one cant stop lying to me well actually two one stole money from me.  another is just so bitchy and gets in an attitude when she doesnt get her way.  im not entertaining their shit anymore.  im trying not to give power to anything that doesnt support me.. they do support me but i feel like im above them

i know im narcissistic at this point.  i can give a fuck less.  ive been quiet for so long id rather be by myself so i dont have to give power to people who dont give a fuck about my well being more than what they can get out of me.

my first best friend makes me want to shoot my brains out.  she talks so fucking much but i stick around because i feel bad for her she has no other friends.  i tried to help but she doesnt want help and i realize that not my fucking problem but i feel like she will kill herself if i stop talking to her believe me ive tried

i miss my second bestfriend so fucking much.  as much bullshit as we went through i miss her she gave me so much peace but to everyone around us we were toxic for each other.  i dont get why people are fucking haters.  i was supposed to see jhene with her after this school shit wrapped up and look its cancelled fucking vip fucking tickets

my third bestfriend ugh what can i say.  shes around and she knows what it is she supports me and my bullshit just as bestfriend number two without judging me.  they are my true bridesmaids cause they know me and wont make shit in my life about them.

my husband.  makes me fucking sick but if theres anyone i want to be around right now its him.  the shit this man has put me through.  i recently found out he was living with someone else his number 3 girl and im his number 2.  number 1 and 3 got into it and now hes alone and number 1 wont talk to him.  so its just me as far as i know.  ive been told its my fault hes like that because i wanted an open relationship but that was before i had feelings like this for him.  i just want him to myself but i was still talking to other guys and im still talking to this other guy not as much but hes around because hes sweet and i dont want to hurt his feelings but the more i drag this out the worse its going to get.  in the same way i cant trust y husband he cant trust me or shouldnt at least. i want to be faithful to him and have an adult conversation about it but i have to let this other thing go first.  i dont know why the fuck im still attached to him.  i want him so bad but he doesnt respect me as much as i respect him.  what the fuck is wrong with me.  i want this man even if it hurts me.  i want him all the time im obsessed and he knows. its good that he creates boundaries i guess cause i wont i dont know how to even make them

my therapist is going to have a field day when i talk about it this week.  im tired of talking about my mommy issues im just not going to give her petty ass arguments the energy she wants me to.  i have a new therapist by the way and shes black and i feel like she fucking understands what the fuck i am talking about and she listens to jhene

second time i referenced jhene i need a paragraph for her but im not in love with chilombo as much as i was with trip.  i love it and know all the songs ik its weird i appreciate it but i dont think im ready to heal im fucking angry thats probably why my blood pressure is so high all the time and why i need to smoke so often.  im constantly at 10 ive been procrastinating lately and when i tell you ive been on my shit in the beginning of the semester and now everything is back to being last minute i was good until i moved back home what the hell is wrong with me

my life is a mess and its partially me and its partially out of my control.  what i can control is how i speak to my parents and i will.  what i can control is keeping the other dude around when i want to keep my attention on someone else and i will work on it. what else i can control is getting back on my shit no matter how much i feel like shit.  ill do better with my relationships because ive been sabotaging them at this point.i am better by recognizing it and trying to do something about it.  im trying to work on manifesting and being more sure in what i say even if it doesnt happen i am making the effort.

ooo chile the headache i got rn it dull but there and its mkaing me nauseous? i need more pamprin 

[for-the-brokenhearted]

1/23/2020

i am actually getting freaked out about how much time is passing without me logging in or anything. a lot of course has happened in the 7+ months ive been gone. its like a fucking pregnancy

ive literally been gone almost long enough to have a fucking child. i should start writing in here more, bobbi even suggested that. i had a meltdown at her house a couple of weeks ago and she gave me some really great advice....jase too.

i was upset bc craig and i had another fight. we had just gotten back from ny and i got sick with sinus infection and pink eye. wonderful. he came over and gave me some schpeel about...wait...schpiel? shpealllll....shpiel?? 

*clears throat* 

....about how he would like for us to be a couple that has great self discipline and shit... blah blah blah. im so annoyed. not only was it the most imperfect timing (me feeling as bad as i look) but as if i already didnt feel like shit.

this september, on MY birthday actually, we had a huge blowout bc i just couldnt take it anymore. i was sick of feeling fat, imperfect, ugly, not fit, all that jazz. 

what caused it all was him pointing out how i had bad posture while driving to his house. i fucking lost my shit.

“WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP POINTING OUT MY INSECURITIES I FEEL LIKE IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU IM SICK OF THIS SHIT I SHOULD NOT FEEL THIS BAD ABOUT MYSELF ALL THE TIME AND IM SICK OF THE PASSIVE AGRESSIVE COMMENTS YOU MAKE ABOUT ME AND MY BODY AND I FEEL LIK EVERY TIME YOU TOUCH ME ITS LIKE YOU’RE EVALUATING MY BODY FAT”

to be fair, i shoudlnt have blown the fuck up. but come on. i had been dealing with this shit for over two years. since float fest, maybe even before that. which is awful bc i shouldnt feel so bad everytime i look in the mirror. 

when im with my boyfriend or future husband or whatever...i should feel like the most beatufiyl person, inside and out. like i can tell him EVERYTHING and not feel like i have to lie to protect myself. 

this is just scary bc the bottom line is lately i havent felt like that. in a long time. like prob over a year. which sucks. 

anyways, the solution i came up with was to not talk about food, health, or fitness for 3 months. yup. i laid down the law. 

but at the same time, i needed to. this had really manifested itself into something super super ugly. where when we went out to eat i would order what i would think he would WANT me to order, not bc he said anything, but bc of the pressure i felt whether that was coming from him or me. 

i would also lie about getting fast food by myself or feel happy when i would skip a meal bc it was less calories- these are very unhealthy behaviors and i did tons more.

i felt like the little commesnt like grande girl or glutton girl really got to me and he probably felt like he could make those comments safely bc i wasnt fat or unhealthy. but he made me feel like it. 

im still working on it everyday, but right now im hitting a wall.

Bobbi told me to start writing more bc i think the stream of consciousness helps me cope. and i know shes right. i tell craig the same thing and he says it helps him gather his thoughts and whatnot.

i went over to her house freaking out bc i found myself in a state where i’m afraid of everything- this is actually my current state. i just had a major realization. 

im afraid of love. marriage. committment.. running. exercising. living together. moving forward- even though that's everything i want

craig also said that he felt like hes not allowed to touch me and we havent had sex in a while. bobbi pointed out that this is probably bc i wasnt taking care of myself and bc I didnt like MYSELF so i didnt want anyone near me.

she was def right about that. 

so i started doing more for myself and prioritizing the things i needed to do over everything else. its been nice. i even took a bath today. and the thing is craig is happy when i do things for myself like that. which is great.

but im still defensive and i still reject physical touch. i dont feel that kind of love i felt for craig at the beginning and he probably knows that. weve been through so much and ifeel like i dont know what to do.

i feel like were so unhealthy and i feel like things are always so fucking hard. i mean you know whats batshit crazy....? weve been dating for almost 5 motherfucking years. 

im so upset. not that weve been dating for that long, but because i feel like were still in such a juvenile spot. i got made earlier in 2019 bc craig is JUST NOW thinking about marriage and is having a forward thinking mindset. justnow. i am 25. im just sick of dating someone younger than me sometimes. 

i want to be lead. i want someone whos there for me. i want security, reliabiolity, etc.

last night we atually got into an arguemnt over bobbi and jase: tl;dr i feel like hes weird aroudn them and didnt liek the fact that he says a ton of outlandish negative untrue bullshit about jase and its not even true. its just based off of the “vibes” he gets. i dont do that. i try to be as kind as i can to everyone and i just feel like he has a lack of tolerance. i dont like that. i want him to have a good heart and treat everyone as they should be regardless of their background, unhealthy habits etc. 

i just feel like maybe the more we grow old or whatever, the less compatible were getting. and im exhausted. i dont feel like dating anyone else i dont even feel like dating him sometimes.

something cool we did discover, along with the fact that i need to take care of myself more is that in the relationship i have alwasy been “on” or “on call” in a way of alwasy being alert and never at rest bc i feel like he needs me to show up somewhere and in a way it was my way of showing that i cared about the relationship bc it was always top of mind, wrong. i am tired and maybe thats why i always got on his ass about random bullshit bc i felt like i was always putting in way more effort than he was, bc i was. in a bad way.

I'm really lost and i don't know what to do. I've been in new Orleans (still am) for Kaltura connect and its been super fun to meet a ton of cool people. but i am so tired, I worked almost a 12 hour day yesterday and conferences are exhausting. 

maybe im feeling this way bc I'm tired? i just hope we get it back even though sometimes it feels like we wont’. our relationship has always been so volatile form the very beginning and i was hoping that over time it would get better. in some ways it has, in some ways it hasnt. 

i look at couples and marriage photos and see the love and the joy these other people experience and i wonder if i will ever get that. sometimes with craig i think yes, but sometimes i think no. what if this ends. i know ill be okay if it does but obviously thats not ideal. the thing is that were not even married and i dont feel that now, will i ever? will it come back? im praying for an amazing and safe but spontaneous love and ive been praying that for a while, i just dont know if ill ever get that with him. is this God telling me this is the end? then again,  ive felt like this before

like last year 12.23.18 when craig called me a slut and called my family psychos at the slc track bc i accidentally threw keys at my face. it took me the majority of 2019 to get over that. and to get over the fact that 4 months later i was going to be fired from wells fargo.

bottom line is im getting older and i feel like i don't have time for stupid bullshit or to feeol bad about myself, but the problem is that i still do. maybe this is just the beginning of the end. we love each other so much- i really do and i mean it. sometimes i feel like i could never be this comfortable with anyone ever again, but then again i said that last time with chad.

fuckkkkkkkkk i hate feeling like this. i hate being so unsure about everything and feeling like shit. i feel lonely bc sometimes our disagreements are so bad. i just want him to grow up and get over htis shit or maybe its just time to move on.

hes already done some growing up but i cant keep banking on that to happen in a long term plan bc what happens if he doesnt..... then what.