#last night i cried for like 2 hours because i don't wanna lose him just because my brain is fucked up

[niallandtommo]

.

[khaleesiofalicante]

OK I GOT 5 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT WHICH IS PRETTY OK IG (I did stay up to read the fic-) BOTH MY TESTS WENT LIKE SHIT, I HAD AN ANXIETY ATTACK IN PROGRAMMING CLASS BECAUSE BY TEACHER IS A LITTLE SHIT WHO KEPT ON YELLING AT ME WHEN I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING AND I SPENT LUNCH ALONE BUT AT LEAST NOW IM ALONE WITH MY LAPTOP SO YAYAYAYYA

first of all, this chapter right here is my comfort chapter from now on. i said what i said. I will be rereading it again and again just because i can. it was PERFECTION

here's me going crazy at 2 am yesterday.

MAGNUS' CHAPTER

LET'S GO LET'S GO LET'S GO

AHHHHHHH IT'S THEIR ANNIVERSARY

SCREAM

oh

alec shaved his beard because it made him look older

RAFAEL WAS SO UPSET AFTER THE MEXICO ATTACK BECAUSE OF ANJALI RIGHT??

magnus and alec are the oblivious parents istg

“Are you decent?” Max yelled. “I don’t want to be traumatized again.”

“Hey! We agreed not to talk about that!” Alec yelled back.

Im not even surprised at this point

“Happy anniversary, bapa!” Rafael kissed him on the cheek and handed him the flowers.

“Where are my flowers?” Alec asked.

Rafael plucked a rose from the bouquet and threw it at Alec. “Here you go.”

“Thanks, son,” Alec mumbled.

IM WHEEZING

DAVID BAKES

“David made it,” Max said shyly. "

Oh,” Alec replied and then shrugged. “Well, the icing could be a little sweeter I think.”

Ever since Max started dating, Alec had become incredibly protective. Alec liked David of course – it was impossible to find someone who didn’t. But that didn’t mean Alec approved.

And it didn’t help that the blond boy was absolutely terrified of Alec.

ALEC STOP TEASING HIM

THE BOY IS ALREADY SCARED

“I don’t know,” Alec analysed the card. “David used too much glitter.”

“Since when do you have a problem with excessive glitter?” Max demanded.

ALEC

“I didn’t use him!” Max huffed. “He was thoroughly compensated for his efforts!”

“Compensated how?” Alec asked.

“Uh,” Max said. “With donuts.”

when i saw donuts i immediately thought of rose and luisa from jtv

iykyk

but should i continue the show? i got tired of jane continuously embarrasing herself

“You expect us to follow rules?” Alec asked in surprise. “In our own home? On our anniversary?”

The warlock boy grinned wickedly before leaning close to Alec.

“You better do it, or I will tell everyone about your secret,” Max whispered.

Alec blinked at that.

the secret...

I DONT LIKE HOW MANY THINGS POPPED INTO MY HEAD

is highschool musical that bad? i havent watched it. should i?

what if i cried

i just wanna hug alec??? but i cant say it'll be ok because it wont

“Is that why you are not attending?” Magnus grinned at his friend. “Or is it because you are terrified of Georgia?”

“That child is the reincarnation of Christopher Lightwood!” Ragnor complained. “I heard she made explosives out of demon ichor! Who makes explosions out of demon ichor?”

RAGNOR IS PROBABLY GETTING FLASHBACKS

THESE STUPID FUCKING BITCHES

how tf do you think we have survived huh??

medicine that's how

vaccines, anti biotics and what not

stop being close-minded and fucking do it

ok i know the risk is great

BUT OTHERWISE THEY ALL DIE

it was different for warlocks. The Shadow World was their universe. The nephilim kept it safe. At one point in their lives, they had learned to coexist with them, out of necessity and out of obligation.

And now here they were – working together in the name of friendship and love.

how things change...

what

say what

the causes are what

ok let's not jump to conclusions

im fucking crying wtf

alec doesnt deserve this shit

all he's done is make the world a better place

hes worked so hard on this

RAZIEL CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF

what am i supposed to say to my parents if one of them comes to check on me and im sitting here crying at 2 am

He didn’t want to believe in a reality that would punish Alec. Alec who only wanted to do what is good and right.

Alec was who was losing his hope and strength every passing day. Alec who was struggling. Alec who was turning to desperate measures to cope with all the stress.

please alec

no please

THE ANGELS ARE BITCHES

Because if Magnus found out Raziel was the one causing all this pain for Alec, he would march up to heaven and set the bastard on fire himself.

AND I'LL GO WITH HIM

KNEW THE SPY WAS LIVVY

AWW RAGNOR LIKES SELENA THATS SO SWEET

blue and gold

STOP IT IM CRYING AGAIN

The shadowhunter was a good influence on him. Magnus hoped Alec would see it sooner rather than later.

HUH

HUHU

HUH

omg

GIGI GETTING A SIBLING

“Max isn’t allowed to do a lot of things,” Magnus chuckled. “But he does them anyway.”

thats my boi

GASP

]THE NECKLACE

rafael is growing into the consul voice

they grow up so fast

nope nope he's still the little 5 year old

voice cracking what do you mean he's 20

im glad hes happy with mila. or is he...?

Magnus had deduced as much. Alec lived in his beautifully oblivious world. But Magnus noticed.

He noticed the hickeys. He noticed the late-night visits. He noticed the tense phone calls.

well thank god there's at least one non-oblivious person (alec i love you so much but you are very very oblivious)

“What’s stopping you then?” Magnus asked.

"2554 miles,” Rafael chuckled sadly.

me with all my online friends

probably more miles

Magnus tried to do the math but promptly gave up.

me

But Alec did lie though. Magnus pushed the thought away.

NOT NOW

LET ME LIVE IN PEACEFUL OBLIVION

HUSH

“Except melt it?” Rafael chuckled.

“Yes,” Magnus chuckled back. “As you can see, the bar is extremely low in the Lightwood family.”

AHHIUCCDSKUHDCV

i have no clue what the words describing the outfit are

time to google

OK PRETTY

Fifteen years. Fifteen years of loving and Alec still made his heart stutter.

dont do this to me right now I WILL CRY

“What the hell?” Max exclaimed. “Why are you all dressed up?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, it’s my anniversary,” Alec chuckled.

Max-

Fifteen years. Fifteen years and Magnus still took Alec’s breath away.

HJCSDHJBJDHSGCDYGJVVC JHVDFYMJ

it's not funny MY EYES ARE WATERING

“Bapak is a good looking one in the family,” Rafael pointed out. “You are the chaotic one and I am the smart one.”

“What am I then?” Alec asked dryly. “A sack of potatoes?”

“You’re the sexy one,” Magnus grinned. “A sexy sack of potatoes.”

yes.

Alec grinned back and leaned forward. Magnus put his hands around Alec’s neck and kissed him. He kissed Alec with all the love he had inside his heart.

Just like the first time. Just like the hundredth time. Just like the thousandth time.

Because with Alec, every kiss mattered. Every single one.

muffled sob

“Stop making out, oh my god!” Max groaned.

Magnus sensed a pillow coming their way but Rafael caught it before it hit them.

“Max, stop!” Rafael scolded. “You will wrinkle dad’s suit and ruin bapak’s hair! I spent hours ironing both!”

why is max me when i see people display affection in front of me

ALSO RAFAEL HKUIUIDCSKIHUDFVHJDFVHU

“They are here,” Rafael said. “You two better look exactly the way you did when I left with Max or I will raise hell.”

IM SCREAMING

Selena was wearing a blue crop top with the words “MIND YOUR OWN UTEREUS” written in gold.

i need that top

DAVID'S SHIRT IS THE COLOR OF MAX'S MAGIC

AHH ISABELLE DOESNT KNOW SHE'S PREGNANT YET

The argument of “who gave the best gift” had started when Jace and Izzy had gotten drunk on vodka. It didn’t help that Alec had gotten drunk as well. All three Lightwood siblings had then proceeded to have an argument about who had the best spouse. The whole night had been drunken chaos. Magnus, Clary and Simon had let them have it since the Lightwood siblings had a tendency to carry the world on their shoulders even when nobody asked them. They rarely ever let loose ever since their worlds had plunged into sickness and demon attacks. Especially Alec. So, Magnus had let his husband be that 18-year-old boy again. The boy who got drunk and fought with his siblings and sang songs about Magnus’ pretty eyes.

OH MY GOD THE CHAOS

Georgia considered that. “I’m not allowed to melt it, right?”

“No,” they all replied in chorus.

LET GIGI MELT IT

SELENA IM SO PROUD OF YOU

“Dad,” Max said. “Can you keep a picture of me wearing this necklace in your office?”

“Why?” Rafael asked.

“I think it will piss off the boomers,” Max giggled.

“Nice!” Lexi grinned. “A downworlder wearing a shadowhunter heirloom? They will lose their heads. Uncle Alec, you must do it.”

“I will do you one better. I will hang a tapestry,” Alec chuckled.

YASSS I CANT WAIT FOR THE SHADOWHUNTERS TO BE PISSED

AWW THEY DIDNT KNOW THE NECKLACE USED TO BELONG TO MAGNUS

he actually gave to camille first-

Why couldn’t this boy just cause chaos during his travel year like the rest of them? Why did he actually study and do his research as recommended?

why would you NOT study and research during your travel year????

oh shit

well well well

david bby stfu

i love you but pls stop speaking for all our sakes

“Holy shit,” Max said. “It is expensive then!”

“Don’t pawn the ruby!” Rafael warned.

MAX NO-

OH THE STONE COMES FROM EDOM

oh no

pls dont fight

oh so i was wrong about magus confronting him from that snippet

all you need to know is im sobbing right now and grammarly is the only thing making this coherent

dont mind me just

NO I FORGOT ABOUT MAX AND DAVID

GET BACK IN THE ROOM YOU IDIOTS

don't do this to me at 3 am

OK THE DILF PART

thank you for adding light into my life again

(me while editing this: today really isn't my day huh? i just slipped in rainwater outside my balcony because I heard rain and ran there. now my knee and back hurt and I think I sprained (?) my toe-

ANYWAY

wait im gonna go check out the rain and then continue editing this

ok i got bored of the rain)

that made me laugh through my tears

“Objectively good looking?” Jace snorted. “Excuse you, but my parabatai is smoking hot! He is a freaking prize, okay? If we had a magazine for hot shadowhunters, you would be on the cover page. Every single issue.”

“Okay, that’s enough!” Alec interrupted. “Magnus, are you happy? Now all my friends have told me I am pretty.”

“I said smoking hot,” Jace corrected.

“We are not being biased,” Clary pointed out. “It is the general consensus, Alec.”

“It’s true,” Lexi said. “So many people have asked me for your number, Uncle Alec. And I would have given it to them if I wasn’t worried about being turned into a marshmallow.”

LEXI DUHDUGHUDFCUHKVDFUIKFDU

“Dad, I don’t know why you are so worried,” Max said in a bored tone. “You’re a told DILF.”

David choked on his champagne and Jace patted him on the back.

“What the hell is a DILF?” Alec demanded.

“Oh, I know this one!” Jace said excitedly. “It means Dashing and Irresistible Looking Father. Max is right, you are a total DILF.”

“Mr. Herondale-” David raised a hand.

“I heard one of the shadowhunters in their travel year calling me a DILF too,” Jace said proudly.

THAT IS NOT WHAT DILF MEANS OH MY GOD

“It’s not a rumour,” Selena spoke up and passed her phone. “There is a group chat at Scholomance just to thirst after you.”

add me to it

ALL THE COMMENTS I CANT BREATHE

“Alec Lightwood can run me over with a Maserati and I would thank him.”

“Give me that,” Izzy grabbed the phone and started giggling. “Petition for Consul Alec Lightwood-Bane to stab me with his mortal sword.”

“Isabelle!” Alec hissed, cheeks flaming. “Stop it!”

“I want one!” Jace grabbed the phone now. “By the Angel!”

“Read it!” the kids yelled in chorus.

“I would gladly let Consul Lightwood-Bane inspect my mortal instruments,” Jace chuckled and threw the phone at David.

David shook his head vehemently and threw it at Max.

“My body is just a hole for Alec Lightwood,” Max read out loud and started laughing so hard that he fell off his chair.

Lexi grabbed the phone and giggled. “I want the Consul to strip off my runes among other things.”

She passed the phone to Gigi, who looked at the phone and look at Alec.

“Uncle Alec,” the girl said. “This person wants you to crush them with your massive archer arms.”

“Give me that,” Rafael grabbed it now. “Aw, this one is a classic, dad. Alec Lightwood turned me gay.”

He threw the phone at Simon, who stared the screen and looked up. “Uh, I don’t think I can read this one out loud in front of the kids.

“Is this the one about the basement?” Selena chuckled and Simon nodded.

WHAT'S THE BASEMENT ONe

TELL ME

AWW GIGI AND LEXI PUTTING MAKEUP ON DAVID AND MAX RECORDING IT

google translator time

oooo Rafael's gonna talk with Mila

Magnus you're such a good father

seriously

“Sometimes things are just sad. So, you need to let yourself be sad.”

YES

SAY IT LOUDER

THEY ARE UNDER THE BED

AHHH MAX AND DAVID

DAVID CALLED HIM MY ANGEL IN FRENCH

Alec and Magnus hiding under the bed and spying on them is just-

Jace had tried to give Max the shovel talk and had gotten a little too emotional.

of course, he did smh I love him so much

“David doesn’t need a shovel talk,” Alec smiled. “He knows what would happen to him if he hurts my son.”

David gulped. “You will throw me into the silent city?”

“I will ask me husband to portal you to hell,” Alec said – Consul Voice. “We have relatives there.”

the beloved relatives yes

“Goodnight,” Jace gave them a salute. “Have fun inspecting Magnus’ mortal instruments.”

JACE

OH SO THE QUESTION WAS ABOUT SMOKING

damn it

oh my god guys he said he'll stop smoking

just lemme have this moment

my boy's lungs will be intact

HIS LUNGS WILL BE OK

“I can’t wait to see all the messages on the chat after that,” Magnus giggled.

Alec looked up. “I’m more than a tall glass of water, Magnus!”

SCREAMING

In his dream, he saw them again. But they weren’t smiling this time.

what

wait

THE PROPHETIC DREAMS

nope nope nope

Nah I don't know what you're talking about

haha

damn, I think I really hurt my back...

OK BUT THE IMMORTALITY ANGST???? WAS SO SO GOOD???? I know it makes me cry but is it bad that I'm always so excited for angst written by you because of HOW GOOD it is????

"When I die I will love you from my grave" I NEED THIS ON MY FOREHEAD OH MY GOD I LOVE THESE TWO SO SO MUCH

alright I need to get something for my back and my knee (I'm home alone so this will be fun)

OK, I THINK THE NEXT CHP WILL BE ANJALI'S POV I JUST FEEL IT!!! I miss my girl so much I hope she's doing ok. Jaime too...

I'm rereading all of these chapters after chapter 10 because why not. Bye!!

OKAY I AM GLAD YOU LIKED IT BUT I AM ALSO DEEPLY WORRIED ABOUT YOUR HEALTH.

I hope your knee and back feels better soon!

also fuck that teacher yelling something doesn't make people understand it any better ugh dumb piece of shit anyway screw that person.

I hope you get some good rest and recovery from this rollercoaster of a day.

Take care!

[stonertransdad]

Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

[r3b3lgrrrrrrrl]

A LunaTic and her Gunn (Part 17)

"Love, sex, fights & international flights"

After Luna and Colson pull into Ashley's driveway, he shuts off the engine. The car ride wasn't much different from any other so this concerns Luna. She turns to him. "You feel alright?" She asks. This makes him smile as he lights a joint.

"I didn't wanna say anything in front of the guys..." He begins, hitting the joint long and hard. "Probably because it didn't really sink in yet and because you had such control but you scared the fuck outta me tonight, Loons." He says, looking at her while passing her the joint.

As she hits it she asks why.

"When those 2 dudes stood up, we all jumped up because it was about to be on. But, like I said." He takes the joint from her. Inhaling and exhaling deeply. "You controlled that situation, like a sexy Boss Ass Bitch, but...." He looks at her with concerned eyes "I don't know what I would've done if one of them had touched you before I could get to you." He hits the joint again before passing it to her.

Luna's silent. It makes Colson nervous.

"Look, I don't even know what I'm trying to say, because I love you for exactly who you are. But, it made me realize that I don't know what I'd do if ANYTHING happened to you, Kitten."

She hits the joint slowly before speaking. "I get where you're coming from. Buuuut..." She says with a soft smile lifting her right arm towards him, forearm side up. Trying to make light of the conversation, she asks "Do you know why I have this?" Pointing to the tattoo of a cockroach that she has just above the words 'Don't look back in anger, Live like it's the style." right above the crook of her elbow.

He can't help but chuckle "No, but I have wondered." Taking the joint.

"Shoulda asked." She smiles up at him. "It's a reminder, that there are 2 things in this motherfucking world you can't kill. Cockroaches and Luna Smith." He laughs out loudly to her pleasure. She continues "I am who I am, Bunny. I have no fear, am violent as fuck and fiercely loyal." She says, blue eyes burning into his soul, with a shrug. She then says to him sincerely. "I'm am sorry I scared you. I knew I had it though. I've been living my life for a long time. If I hadn't KNOWN that I could handle it myself, I'd have brought you or Benny with me, like I did at the strip club.... I don't know if that makes you feel any better..." She finishes.

He sighs. "It does... And I know you have. And I know why. AND I really can't say shit because I would've acted the same way too, no questions asked. It's just, I'm a 6'4 dude and you're..."

She interrupts him. "Careful what you say next, Bunny." With a knowing eye and cocked smile.

He gives her a side eye. "You know what I'm trying to say." Pulling on the joint.

"I do." She says getting serious. "And I love you for it. But....." She trails off. Taking the joint from him.

"Just....." He interrupts her "I don't even know, I just..... I know I can't lose you."

His words soften her eyes, making her put out the joint and climb across the seat so that she can straddle him. Wiggling in, so that his cock rest between her legs, against her pussy. Where it belongs. She looks deep into his eyes before kissing him firmly, pushing her hips down, pulling him by his shoulders towards her. "Only YOU can make you lose me." She lifts her arm "Cockroach, remember?" She says with a huge grin.

"YOU are a fucking idiot." He laughs pulling her in for a kiss.

"Your idiot." She replies, pulling away laughing at their joke, for only a moment, before easily submitting.

Their kiss is passionate. Creating a roaring fire between them. She feels his dick grow larger against her pussy. "Yeah, you are." He says as she leans back against the steering wheel, beaming as she moves her hips against him to the beat of the music on the radio.

"Unh Hunh." She says as he pulls her back into his mouth. They kiss heavily, she lifts up, unbuckling him, he helps her slide his pants down. His dick is raging. A simple peice of cotton separating them. He slides inside of her as she lifts up high enough for his large cock to enter her.

She still has to take him in slowly, he's so big. Shifting her hips, swirling her pussy around his dick, "Colllllllllson...." she moans loudly, feeling him fully fill her. They start off slowly but as always passion and need take over. It's not long before she's propped up against the steering wheel, riding him like an experienced jockey at the most famous derby. He slides the straps of her dress down, exposing her full breast. His hands grip them. Thumbs playing with her piercings. The view of her naked upper body splayed in front of him makes him harder. She can feel him grow, sending bolts of electricity through her. This kicks her into overdrive. She lifts off the steering wheel, causing him to groan in pleasure in her shift. Hearing his groan tickle her ears, she grabs the top of his hair and bucks against him like a Texan owning their first rodeo. Feeling him deep and hard inside of her, it doesn't take much for her to see stars.

Just as he cries out "KITTTEN!!!!" in sheer pleasure, her walls grip his thick cock. Throwing her head back, shoving her breast in his face, they cum together.

'FUUUUCKKKKKK......" Colson says.

"Mmmmmm.." She purrs into his neck still grinding her hips slightly. They sit together in pleasure.

He lifts her up from his chest. "No double standards." He looks into her eyes. "Just bring me. You have a man for a reason."

"Fucking SERIOUSLY??? She's in mental disbelief. Trying not to explode.

Fighting her urge to argue the sexism of his last statement, she shrugs "Always bring your Bitch. You gotta a Bitch for a reason." She says with a cocky look and shrug.

"You're such a fucking asshole." He laughs kissing her hard on the mouth.

"Yeah, but a Right Asshole." Her head snakes before pushing her mouth back onto his.

They tease each other a bit more before she slides him out of her and herself back to the passenger seat. He promises to hit her up once he's home so she knows he's safe. She asks how long Casie is in town. He tells her she's on SpringBreak, that he'll take her home Saturday. They kiss a thousand more times before she finally slides out with a goodnight kiss.

-------------------------------------------------

"He's so fucking different...." She thinks happily walking inside.

-------------------------------------------------

"FUCK. She don't need me. She just wants ME. Nobody JUST wants me. Not without SOME-fucking-thing. Fuck, she doesn't even need me to protect her. Or want it..... I'll fucking kill somebody though...... Fuck. I can't believe she did that tonight...." A million thoughts race through Colson's mind after he watches Luna enter the house.

-------------------------------------------------

Inside Luna is greeted by a happy Jagger. Petting him she calls out "Heeeeeyyy!!"

"I'm upstairs, grab us beers and come up!!" Ashley shouts. Luna obliges. Upon entering Ashley's bedroom she sees destruction. Ashley comes bouncing out of the bathroom. "Hey!" She says excitedly "Guess where I'm going...." Before Luna can answer she screams "SEOUL!!!!!!" Jumping onto her bed. "Remember that over seas project I was working on....." Before Luna can answer again, she continues "It's finished... You know what that means!!!!" She's jumping on the bed "FREE FUCKING TRIP!!!!!!!!"

Luna laughs. Ashley is her ABSOLUTE bestfriend in the WHOLE fucking world. "Soooooo......" She says with a grin.

"So pack your fucking bags, Bitch, because we going to Seoul!!!"

Luna laughs happily, lighting a joint before she heads to pack and call Colson.

-------------------------------------------------

"We're gonna miss you." Colson says as they try to work out Casie's spring break and the 2, 12 hour flights Luna needs to embark on to go and return. It's not gonna work. She won't get back until at least Sunday, they think, while Casie goes home Saturday.

"I feel like an asshole." Luna says.

"Why?" He asks.

"I haven't spoken to her. I don't know if she wanted to see me again before she heads home." Emma's words about disappointing the little girl lingering with her.

"You didn't make any promises to break, Kitten." Colson reassures her.

"Still...." She sighs. "Would it be wild if you made sure to FaceTime me tomorrow so I can talk to her?"

"No." He laughs. "That's actually great." He says giving her a small comfort.

They talk a bit more as Luna packs. Acknowledging that in the 6 days they've been together, that they're about to spend the next 5 apart. "I'll miss you." Luna says sadly.

"But you'll come home to me." He feels the same but tries to reassure her. "And Casie has a whole lifetime with you." He finishes, making her heart throb.

They exchange love and he promises to FaceTime her with Casie before she boards as they hang up.

"FUUCK. I'm missing her springbreak. We should be doing fun things if she's here....." Luna thinks. "Uuuugh. And 5 days without Buuuunny." She whines to herself.

********************************************

"Damn........ I'm gonna fucking miss her." He thinks sadly about Luna leaving.

-------------------------------------------------

The morning is INSANE. Although they had packed the night before, Luna is not a morning person. Ashley is up and raring to go while Luna is still trying to open her eyes. Years have turned them into a well oiled machine. Having a system for gettting themselves dressed, burnt and functional. Ashley handles coffee as Luna procures the bud. Getting dressed and high before an intentional flight together as bestfriends do. "You got any edibles?" Ashley asks as their uber pulls up.

Luna pulls a bag of gummies from her pocket. "For the ride!" She grins at Ashley as they head out the door.

------------------------------------------------

"What do you want to do today? An excited Casie asks Luna on FaceTime. Her heart sinks as she explains that she's at the airport.

"You're leaving?" Are the first words a disappointed Casie utters next. Breaking Luna's heart even more.

"I'll be back, just not before spring break..." Luna hates putting on a fake face. Making her even more pissed that Casie's father didn't tell her. "You're gonna hang out with your dad and have TONS of fun!!" Luna tries to reassure her.

"I will." Casi says, matter of fact. "I'll still miss you though." She says, making Luna second guess herself immediately.

"I already miss you TONS, Sugar!!! But, I'll see you soon." She reassures the little girl.

"Ok..." Casie says. "Here's Daddy!" She passes the phone to Colson.

"Hey Kitten..." He starts

"Is she outta the room?" Luna sternly asks.

Colson looks around confused "Yeah...?"

"You didn't fucking tell her? She thought she was seeing me today??" Luna snaps on Colson. Glaring at him through the screen.

He's silent. Shocked.

"You're a fucking ASSHOLE!!!" She says with venom before banging on him.

-------------------------------------------------

Luna and Ashley settle in for a long flight. They talk about Luna's discontent with Colson regarding Casie, laugh a lot as friends do, talk shit on the other passengers and eat while enjoying in flight libations. Both high as fuck. They sleep a bit before waking to catch the sight of the beautiful city overhead they're landing in.

------------------------------------------------

"I can't fucking believe him...." Luna is still fuming. Thinking about Casie's disappointment.

-------------------------------------------------

To be continued.......

[soldierallen]

Married. 6

Warnings: crying, arguing, few curse words, asking for sex?.

Featuring: Sebastian Stan, Henry Cavill, Anthony Mackie, Chris Evans, Alexandra Daddario.

A/N: thanks for all the love and support I really appreciate this and all the love that has been giving over these weeks also something funny Henry cavill is coming out with a new movie his costar...? Alexandra Daddario! We love that for us I actually really love Alexandra Daddario and she's SUCH A villain in this series but hey you have to have one

Part 5:

÷

As he got into the car and drove like a mad man he was so angry he wanted nothing more than to break her heart like she broke his fiancé he felt he couldn't take it anymore when He got there and had to walk up that flight of stairs...

○○○○○○○

"Did you have to get an apartment with stairs and also live three stories up" Sebastian said holding a box filled with books/magiznes

"Listen asshole, it's a cheap rent and I don't have a lot of money, Daddy's trustfund doesn't exist for me like it did for you" she rolled her eyes at him

"Okay listen that's absolutely not my fault my step father is loaded I'm his only son" Sebastian said with a smirk on his lips he eyed y/n up and down from behind her

"You're an asshole" Henry said right behind seb with a box in his hands

"I totally agree Seb shut up" Anthony said holding a box and it sorta falling he quickly grabbed it

"Anthony do not drop that box sebastian's mothers vase is in it" she said everyone rolled their eyes they hated that ugly vase but it symbolized "purity & forgiveness"

"Chris" she yelled out as everyone walked up the stairs not hearing Chris or seeing him

"Yeah I'm getting tired" he yelled, they finally got to the last three steps into her apartment

"I hate these damn steps, how long have you been living here" Sebastian said putting the box down in her place taking the back of his hand and wiping his forehead like a jerk.

"Its been 20 minutes you asshole" she laughed, he pulled her in them facing each other both out of breath "You're always here for me I can't deny how grateful I am for all four of you" she said trying to catch her breath from the stairs "whenever you need me, I'll be there I promise." He said with a light in his eyes.

○○○○○○○○

"Sebastian" Y/n said she wasn't prepared for him to be in her home in the first place.

"You've got some nerve" he was pulled out of his memories, not even realizing he knocked on her door

"What?" Her voice got high not excepting those words to come out his mouth he welcomed himself in being angry he didn't want to be but he was.

"You threatened her that you were going to ruin the wedding because you're in love with me" he said using his arms to get his point across he was mad in the car however He never wanted to ruin things between them.

She was flabbergasted, the words he spoke took her by such surprise she actually took a step backwards, he knew her feelings and didn't even care to talk about them to?

"Do you really-" her words not coming out properly "what did she say to you?" She closed the door to her apartment turning around and facing her

"You're not coming to the wedding because you're going to ruin the wedding! You're going to throw away our friendship because of your feelings?" He yelled getting angrier by the seconds

"Hold on you're gonna throw all of this on me that it's my fault?" She yelled loudly her apartment walls felt like they were shaking

"Since the beginning i knew you hated her I didn't know why until now...you're just a selfish little cry baby that can't take rejection" he never wanted to show her this side of him, his anger was pouring out of his ears his face turning different colors as he spoke, her heart was demolished at this point.

"I can take rejection, but I bet you can't take not being good enough because guess what your "wife" cheated on you, and she has been for months" her words steadily coming out like knives she didn't know she had it in her to be this devious keeping these lies for so long.

"She'd never do that to me you're a liar" not excepting those words to come out her mouth, his face soften trying to understand

"for months she's been leaving your HOME to cheat on you with another man how does that feel" she said feeling the heat rise in her entire body

His thoughts were racing

"No you're lying stop you're just trying to break us apart" He said his anger flooded his mind once again she handed him the check that was already in her pocket she pulled out her cellphone as well

"She gave this to me to stop talking to you, she threaten my job, our relationship" he sat down them both next to each other as he read the check, his eyes he felt were deceiving him

he insisted she was lying "No this is fake you're a lunatic!"

"Her "cousin" "Peter" is actually a man named Robbie she stood at Henry's hotel to stay with him for the night, she got caught and came home that night because of us" she said her voice not raised anymore they didn't look at each other they looked Straight ahead at a blank tv

"I have proof of all of it, I have witnesses I wasn't going to tell you if I didn't know and than yesterday I got her confession, Sebastian you can't marry her I forbid it"

"Let me hear it" he stared blankly with no emotion showing he took his leather jacket off, getting himself ready

"Sebastian take precaution before you liste-"

"Let me hear it"

She turned on her phone unlocking it going into her apps and pressing play

"Tell me one thing, why are you leading him on like this why are you... destroying him like this Sebastian could have such a full life"

"It's like playing with toys, you have the one toy you love bring it everywhere with you show it off it means the world to you without it you don't know what would happen, but then you come home and you see that one doll you bought awhile ago it's not the prettiest in the bunch, if anyone knew you liked the old doll better they would call you a hoarder you don't want to be a hoarder so you throw everything out and only have the nice pretty thing in front of you but right behind your closet door sits the doll you've loved your entire life"

His head spinned he wasn't sure how to take this, he felt his chest closing in on him she put her hand on his bicep "seb please" she begged for him to let out his thoughts he stood up quickly

"do you realize what's going to happen to me" He said she sat still looking up at him as he freaked out

"I bought a house with this women, i-i spent thousands of dollars on a wedding I still am in love with her I came here to stop you...not to stop my own marriage" he felt like he was going to be sick.

"And you're still going to marry her..." She stood in silence awaiting his reply.

"Do I have another choice" he said, he felt the blood in his vains run cold.

"Yes Sebastian you do have a choice! you can't marry her you can't do this to yourself and to me" she was going to cry she felt that ball in her throat it was going to happen soon

"I can't stop now, too much time money and sweat went into this I can't just give up" His words were final. he felt like he was going to cry as he put back his jacket

"If you marry her Sebastian, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive you... after all this time and you still haven't seen what she is I showed you so much evidence and its STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH I'm never good enough for you" she was crying, and he tried so hard not to but a few tears landed on his shirt

"I don't wanna lose you you're a part of me; you're good enough you're best women I've ever met in my life" he said he felt like he was losing a piece of his personality, his life. Her

"Than don't marry her, we'll figure it out we'll fix this seb" she cried wiping her tears "we can't fix it" he cried "something broken can always be fixed" her words came out, he nodded his head he turned around and walked out the door shutting behind him she threw the pillow that was in her arms length at the door tears poured out of her eyes she was so mad and angry she didn't know what to do with it she laid on her floor in a ball crying for hours, her thoughts in her mind was only

Why doesn't he love me? Why am I not good enough? He knows she's a cheater and he's still going to marry her?, more questions and what if's sat in her mind making her cry that night she cried herself, that night Sebastian screamed and yelled at the top of his lungs crying out all of his frustration on the hill he fell in love with y/n at, no other person would ever compare to her he thought why am I still going through with this? What is wrong with Me? He cried and cried trying to figure out why he was like this he texted his friends telling them everything that happened.

-

Today had made 2 days until the wedding, her friendship with Sebastian no longer existed, it was 12pm she woke up in tears once again she hated everything wanted to see nobody, "why am I not good enough for him"

"Y/n open the door" Henry said knocking loudly she laid on her floor still from the night before crying

"I am here to so is Chris" Anthony said he let out a breath ready to talk to his best friend about his other best friend who is a fucking jerk.

"I don't wanna see anyone please go home to your families and leave me alone" she said muffled in a pillow as her crying made her face swollen, her eyes throb & body weak.. it's never been like this before heartbreak as never felt like this before.

"I don't have anyone you're my family, you know that sweetheart we love you please open the door" Henry said in his sweetest voice, Henry knew her weakspots

"I hate you for making me feel bad when I already feel bad" her face was squished up against her pillow on the carpeted floor fully clothed from the night before shoes and everything

"Open the door" Chris said she got up and unlocked the door the three men walking in her body shaking as she made her way back into her positioned

them three always made themselves at home at her place

Chris turned on the tv and sat next to her Anthony went to the bathroom and Henry fixed himself a bowl of cereal

she laid her face into the carpet instead of the pillow from previously, her body curled into a ball she's never felt like this she started crying again "Downey wants to see me at the office tonight but I have absolutely no strength to get up or be a human" she cries her breathing not catching up with her cries

"Hey" Chris said rubbing her back "I can't breathe I feel like I can't breath" she said "I know" he said Anthony came out the bathroom and sat next to her as well she put her head in his lap

"Anthony, what am I gonna do" he pushed the hair out of her face she sniffles looking up at him "What we always do Get through it, We love you he chose to marry her and ruin your friendship he's an asshole who doesn't deserve you" he said Henry and Chris nodding along to what Anthony said

"You deserve friends who are going to be there for you through thick and thin we'll always be here for you no matter what"

"Henry you had that date" she realized getting up half way "I cancelled" "and Chris you had the wedding arrangements with jen" "pushed it back" "Anthony the game" "over early"

"You didn't have to-" Henry put his finger on his lips for her to be quiet she rolled her eyes at him still tears falling rapidly she couldn't stop crying

"We're always going to come, you introduced me to my wife she knows Jennie knows you and whoever Henry gets married to in the future is going to have to deal with you too, you're a part of us our sister always" Anthony said

"don't give up on us" Chris patted her leg for reassurance "I'm sorry" she apologized for crying

"Hey you haven't had a good breakdown in a while" Chris laughed she tried to smile through the tears she sat upwards not laying on Anthony, Henry finally done with his food he came in the living room, sitting on the floor with us "I have a meeting with Downey at 5"

"I'll help you get ready later like old times, seven hours until than relax okay" Henry said kissing her temple trying to soothe her as much as he could

"I love you guys" she sniffles making Henry give the softest smile he put his head on her shoulder "we love you" Chris said rubbing her back still

They all sat together for one hour not one word spoken watching episodes of friends not saying a word to each other Henry ordered Chinese and everyone mostly ate in silence except for a small debate about football coming in contact for a few minutes, she just watched them she knew nothing about sports not because nobody would teach her she just wasn't into it, she sat and realized to herself this is my family I wouldn't be in this place this life without them and the influence they've brought in my life

She got up and cleaned whatever mess was made taking a shower and got ready for a meeting with Downey Henry helping her guiding her along the way he sa outside the door waiting for her "hurry up" he knocked on the door knowing if she stayed any longer she'd start thinking about him

"You're all welcome to stay as long as you want" she put a key on the coffee table "lock my door" she hugged the men they hugged back "watch yourself pay attention to the road no texting and text me when you get there so I know you're okay" Henry said letting go of his hug shoving his hands in his pockets

"Of course, don't buy porn on my cable" the boys laughed at her joke walking out

Maybe she wasn't going to be a mess anymore he was finally out of her life, no more arguing or being a shoulder to cry on, however her feelings were never gonna go away she's never been in tremendous love before she looks at him she gets butterflies when she touches his hand she feels sparks. Why couldn't it be her.

She got into her car, she sat there crying.. why do men treat me like this? Am I just a pawn in their games or what?

'

Sebastian woke up in his bed next to the women he was marrying in two days he wanted nothing from her or her anymore, he knew the truth she was cheater a liar

"Why are you staring at me" she said with her eyes closed

"Just admiring what a manipulative person you are" were the words he wanted so badly to come out his mouth but the real words were "just admiring your beauty that's all" he fake smiled and she opened her eyes kissing his lips he didn't recopcaite

"Seb is there something..wrong?" She paused

"No everything's great just.. fine" he got up to go to the bathroom when she pulled him back "come on let's break in this new bed" she snuggled into his arm "I'm really not in the mood for that"

"Oh come on seb please"

"I said no" he gently took her hand off his arm and went into the bathroom, he wanted nothing to do with her why is continuing to do this to himself??

Tagged: @hiddlestonstansworld @lovely-geek @imcalledflorence @misz-adrii @escapistdreamer-wishfulthinker @someplxce @cuddlesforlashton @coffeebooksandfandom @weasley16 @ilovethewayyourheartbeats @vogueworthy-barnes @xeniarocks @thisismysecrethappyplace @racheo91

[aspaceform3]

26 of October:

It's the last Thursday of the month,

Taylor swift album is about to drop,

Everyone is meeting her and reading their stories is the only thing that kept me going.

Life feels like different levels of a game,

there's the 20's that I'm in, being not as hard as it seem but definitely difficult to me.

Somedays I wake up early, but that doesnt keep me away from bed. I try every single damn day.

One day I'll wake up and just keep going without a second thought.

Speaking about one day's, i'm grateful for my new friends.

They make me feel free. Taylor was right again.

It hurts you bleed you stare you wish and then, you heal. And you feel free.

There's nothing compared to see them around me loving me screaming out loud dancing this streets we all hate and thinking i wish this night will never end every weekend.

Socializing helps me, i need an assistant as i have way too many things to do and a depression to battle up.

Love is weird. Love is not what ive been told. Love is not a partner. Love is a life buddy.

One that will like to fight with you through think and thin, one wich will not give up on you wether you cried on a bathtub or laid for hours in a floor doing nothing just because.

Love is not love letters and chocolates. Love is being there. Always. No matter what.

I was scared i wouldnt find anyone due to my mental illnesses, finally realized the one that loves me must take care of that. I dont wanna run away the next time.

Sometimes I feel like I like you, others like i hate you.

I hate how i said i didnt feel a thing and i hate hiding and i hate why in the morning all seems right but then at night i just dont wanna give up.

I never wanna leave.

I stare while you overlook.

I stare while you don't look.

I stare while you smile and I stare while you drive and all i can think is

"there he goes again the boy i'm in love with."

Hiding.

I'm 22, i dont want anything serious there's so many boys i havent touched so many stories i havent listen so many kisses i havent tasted.

yet still, none of the ones i did in the past got even a glimps of you in them.

I'm scared of this feelings and im scared of what can happen and im hella fucking scared of losing you and I swear if you decide to die without me telling you the right words i will fucking tattoo you name on my butt.

(ha ha, yep, i was trying to be funny.)

(But like srsly dont you dare fuck)

I miss Irene, I miss happiness, I miss so many things.

I hope life keeps treating me well.

December 5th:

5 days away from my 23 brithday. I don't feel like it, it doesnt feel like it i dont want to feel like it.

Past 2 years have been a total blur that only holds memories of me wishing for you and me fighting through my darkest demons.

As always, sleeping.

Im trying, i keep trying, at least know I know why i should try. Still dont know why I do.

I'm holding on to when I will feel like myself again. At home. When all will be fine. Will make sense.

I'm hoping this new year brings me good, cause ive learn what I deserve and its not even in this universe. I deserve so much more.

He didnt taste like love. Not even like lust. I kissed him with open eyes and saw you walk by. You were hidding. For a second I wanted you to see me, so youd feel and wake up. But thats not you, you dont feel for me and I wont feel for you anymore.

Or thats what I'm trying.

I still remember you everyday and

replacing this towns streets with new memories dont feel alright.

February 23th

I've lost hair, lost new friends, lost myself and gained hate.

I can't focus, I can't eat, all i want to do is dream.

I don't find joy in dancing, laughing, going out or even breathing.

Feeling alive is costing me more every single day.

But i've gained some things that keep me going. Ive learned I'm autistic, i've learnt I need medication to survive, I've learnt what my family has been feeling all this time and I gained them back.

We're trying, thinking about how horrible they must feel having their 23 year old daughter stuck at home crying has to be difficult.

I don't see myself when I reflect in a mirror. Ive totally lost it. What I'm thinking about is not what I believe in. Some of my teeth have rotten due to my bad sleeping habits and bruixism. Ive lost my ferula too.

My jaw doesnt move how its supossed to, it hutrst when I speak.

I dont pay atenttion to green lights in the street because everything is distracting me.

I dont find being social enjoyable I feel terribly sad and i cant stop thinking about how much is everything costing money wise and how much of a burden i feel.

Im not a burden. I know Imm an amazing person and everyone i have in my life loved me but I cant see the good.

Im blinded by depression.

Im stuck bc my adhd.

But I keep going with my diagnosis and thats what i'm up to.

I miss you but I don't. Because I know the idea that I have of you is not the real you. A heartbreak is nothing compared to what I'm dealing with and I guess you and i separating finally got into everything i was dealing with and i collapsed.

this is not a poem anymore. Is a time to time recap.

And this one is no bueno.

27th of August, a poem:

It’s the last Sunday of the month, i’ve been in bed all day watching romantic comedies, wishing for the sky to rain.

my back up friend is leaving in two days, the only thing i can do to relieve the pain is touching myself.

Long live to orgasms!

…I miss having sex. …and a group of real friends. Fuck.

[mindless21]

ok Lover has me shook

So yes, in the last couple of hours since the release of Taylor’s seventh, wonderfully written, and fully OWNED album I’ve scattered and listened for my favorite parts of each song and decide to share because it is necessary ok????cool here we go. 

ps. the songs are not in order because I am a mess and it shows LLOOOOOLLL

False God. (13)

religion’s in your lips, even if it’s a false God, we’d still worship. We might get away with it. The altar is my hips.

I know heaven is a thing. I go there when you touch me honey, hell is when I’m fighting with you.

first of all I need an ambulance because when Taylor references anything sexual it does things to me cause OMG YES MAAM. The altar part had me ON THE FLOOR and the heaven and hell made me a new person.

Paper Rings. (8)

I want to drive away with you, I want your complications too, I want your dreary Mondays, wrap your arms around me baby boy

When I got home I tried to stalk you on the internet, now I’ve read all the books beside your bed.

Now I wake up at night and watch you breath.

You’re the one I want; in paper rings, in picture frames, in dirty dream (in all my dreams)

this songs makes me SOFT ok ???? the little insights we get about her relationship make feel I don't know lucky?? like I know she is sharing this with the whole world but still?? like how sweet is this ??? like she went from wanting to know everything about him after they met to now knowing all of the books he reads in his spare time. I can't handle this my poor HEARTTTTT

Cornelia Street. (9)

We were a fresh page on the desk, filling in the blanks as we go.As if the streetlights pointed in an arrowhead, leading as home.

And I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends. I’d never walk Cornelia street again. That’s thinking of heartbreak time could never mend. 

Barefoot in the kitchen, sacred new beginnings that became my religion, listen.

So barefoot in the kitchen ???? Im sorry but after the master piece that is All Too Well I’ve realized that to Tay Tay kitchens are internet places she shares sweet moments with people she loves and the fact that they're barefoot?? just shows how at home and intimate that moment is. Excuse me while I go cry in the corner thx. 

London Boy. (11)

But something happened, I heard him laughing. I saw the dimples first and then I heard the accent. They say home is where the heart is but thats not where mine lives (but god I love the English)

Like a child when our eyes meet. Darling I fancy you.

So I guess the rumors are true. You know I love a London boy.

first of all. IS THAT HIM AT THE BEGINING ???? cause maam i know understand the accent thing good lord. Second. I know she loves him but the fact that she plainly says it in a song??? im crying and so so happy for her. LASTLY how does one stay calm after taylor swit writes a song about you like that?? like i need to know hoe Joe reacted cause holy shit. ALSO THIS SONG IS SUCH A BOP.

Death by a Thousand Cuts. (10)

Cause the morning comes and you’re not my baby.

But if the story is over why I’m I still writing pages?

My heart, my hips, my body, my love. I’m still trying to find a part of me you didn't touch.

Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand, paper cut stings from my paper thins plans. 

Gave you so much, but it wasn’t enough. But I’ll be alright, It’s juts death by a thousand cuts.

her mind y'all. her lyrics??? even more so. like the way taylor writes just amazes me, the way she puts words together that hurt ?? that make you smile?? and cry?? that woman has a gift and is A gift. also guys. the writing pages part touched my little heart. cause i felt that. 

Afterglow. (15)

Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves.

Why’d I have to break what I love so much?

I’m the one who burned this down. But it’s not what I meant. Sorry that I hurt you, I don't wanna do this to you, I don't want to lose this with you. 

It’s so excruciating to see you low, just want to lift you up and never let you go.

Tell me I am all you want, even when I break your heart.

this song broke my heart a little. so much damn vulnerability in these lyrics give me chills. she's so open and i HURTTTT. like he's in pain and she's in pain because of that and now im in pain because of them and once again crying and omg what’s new. nothings new. Im crying over one of taylor’s songs again.

Daylight. (18)

I’ll tell you the truth, but never goodbye.

I wounded the good, but trust the wicked. Clearing the air, I breathed in the smoke.

I can still see it all in my mind. All of you, all of me intertwined. I once believed love would be black and white. But it’s golden

I can still see it all in my head. Back-and-Forth from New York, sneaking in your bed. I once believed that love would be burning red like its golden.

I want to be defined by the things I love not the things I hate. Not the things that I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of the things that haunt me in the middle of the night.

I just think that You Are What You Love.

the fact that this song is what closes the album makes me emo. its such a wonderful conclusion and such and explanation of the last couple of years and the reference to RED??? I was NOT prepared. Also the last line tugged at my heart strings because I believe that with every little fiber of my being.

Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince. (7)

American Glory faded before me, Now I’m feeling hopeless.

My team is losing, battered and bruising. I see the high fives between the bad guys.

Boys will be boys then. Where are the wise men? Darling, I’m scared.

Cause I know this is a fight, that some day we’re gonna win.

y'all. I am so so so proud of the fact that Taylor now uses her platform to speak about what she believes is right and wrong. she no longer story quiet. she backs up her people and advocates and that is so so so important in todays world. because people listen, and people watch and sometimes they need that someone to speak up so they can know whats happening out there. and the political message of this song got me. America is a mess, and as a person that lives in one its states im scared. but this song gives me hope. cause eventually we will win. we will see the light. and i can't wait for that day. also the boy will be boys?? shit that got me. screw that excuse.

Soon You’ll get Better. (12)

In doctor’s office lighting I didn't tell you I was scared.

Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too.

And I say to you, ohh soon you’ll get better, ohh you get better soon, cause you have to.

I know delusion when I see in in the mirror.

You make the best of a bad deal, I just pretend it isn't real.

I hate that I make this all about me. But who I’m I supposed to talk to? What I’m I supposed to do? If there is no you.

Im sorry. But as someone that has lost her dad thanks to an illness this made me sob. I don't think I’ve cried this hard since the last time I listen to Ronan. holy damn. I am so glad Andrea is better because the pain of losing a parent beats every hear break. But with every lyric I related a little more, and maybe not the part where she got better but wow. It got me and it broke me na made me a little happy. Taylor this was beautiful. thank you.

It’s Nice to have a Friend. (17)

20 questions, we the the truth.

Something gave you the nerve to touch my hand.

Call my bluff, call you babe. Have my back, yeah, everyday.

this song was so sweet and simple with so much of that child innocence that it  makes me wish I had simple teenage years and not the mess they were looooll, This song is truly so sweet guys, like cotton candy sweet. 

You Need to Calm Down. (14)

Say it in the street thats a knock out, but you say it in a tweet thats a cop out.

But I’ve learned the lesson that stressing and obsessing about somebody else is no fun.

You need to calm down, you're being too loud.

And control your urges to scream about all the people you hate. Because shade never made anybody less gay.

this song is savagery and I LOVE IT. yeah you call people out Taylor, cause holy damn this was great. I took me a minute to get the fast parts but guys i got it downnnn and the song makes me JAMMMM. You go queen Taylor, you’ve won your crown, ily.

Me! (16)

Baby doll, when It comes to a lover I promise that you’ll never find another like me.

I know I tend to make it about me. I know you never get just what you see, but I will never bore you baby. 

And when we had that fight out in the rain, you ran after me and called my name. I never want to see you walk away.

Living in Winter, I am your Summer.

This song gave me such a laugh when it first came out, its freaking awesome (get it ????) but guys did the ran after me and called my name gave me such Mine vibes that I had to go and watch the video after cause damn. I love when lyrics bring me back to old albums, specially when the songs have two completely different tones in the story telling side.

I Forgot that You Existed. (1)

Lived in the shade you were throwing till all of my sunshine was gone.

Your name on my lips. tongue tied. Free rent living in my mind.

I forgot that you existed. And I though that it would kill me but it didn't. 

I forgot that you existed. It isn't love, it isn’t hate its just indifference. 

Sent me  a clear message, taught me some hard lessons. I just forgot what they were.

THIS SONG IS SUCH A MOOD yallllll, like byeee you hurt me? were my friend once??? tried to play me ???? CHAUUUU ADIOOSS like wow this not only a bomb but can easily be an anthem. Also I love shady taylor.

Cruel Summer. (2)

What doesn't kill me, makes me want you more.

And it’s new, the shape of your body, its blue. The feeling I got and it’s ooh.

No rules in a breakable heaven but, ooh. It’s a cruel summer with you.

I’m always waiting for you just to cut to the bone.

And I don't want to keep secrets just to keep you.

And I scream “For what it’s worth” “I love you, ain’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?” He looks up grinning like a devil.

A MF BOP OK???? the ohhhs had be screaming and the lyrics had me grinning. Also i need background .... secrets ??? what was he lying about??? and was her first i love you this dramatic ??? who knows, but I am so enthralled. Also its been decided that breakable heaven equals new scared oasis and OMG. Also the color blue has been mentioned so many times in this album anyone know what kind of easter egg that is ??? cause I’m lost.  like is it about Joe’s eyes?? cause honey honestly same. 

Lover. (3)

Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years.

Can we always be this close? forever and ever?

I’ve love you 3 summers now honey, but I want them all.

With every guitar string scar on my hand I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover.

My heart has been borrowed and your has been blue. All’s well that ends well to end up with you.

And you’ll say all of your dirtiest jokes for me, and at every table I’ll save you a seat.

mark my words. the day i get married this will be what i dance to on my first dance. if my spouse doesn't like it we are just gonna have to settle and do it anyway. this song is so timeless and the lyrics so soft, like i feel like i’m in love and so single. like c’mon lets dance around in the kitchen in the refrigerator light to this song because i am in my FEEELSSSSSS. (also y'all the reference to her scars from writing all those heart breaking songs??? i need to hug her.)

The Man. (4)

They’d say I played the field before I found someone to comment to, and that would be okay for me to do. Every conquest I had made made would make me more of a boss to you.

I’s be a fearless leader, I’s be an alpha type.

Wondering if I’s get here quicker If I was man.

I’m so sick of them coming at me again, cause if I was a man I’s be The Man

If I was flashing my dollars I’s be a bitch not a baller. They paint me out to be bad, so it’s okay that I’m mad.

BIG DICK ENERGY TAYLOR. y'all she’s so not wrong, 75% of the shot she has gotten about what she does she would have gotten praises for if she was a dude. i love love love how she is calling sexism out in this song.as much as it is progressive times and what not she is explaining the kind work we live in to those that don’t understand and YESSSS BAD BITCH TAY. WE STAN. (we have for 13 years but ya know who is counting)

The Archer. (5)

I’ve got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you.

I never grew up, it’s getting so old. 

All of my heroes die all alone, help me hold on to you.

Cause all of my enemies started out friends, help me hold on to you. 

Who could ever leave me darling? But who could stay? you could stay.

This song omg.... the music makes me melt first of all, and then the lyrics break me. like she is so clearly explain that she's doing all she can not lose him. explains how her best friends have betrayed her and how the people she had high regard for also hurt her and omg so open and honest my heart bleedddss. The heroes part also makes me feel like she's telling him that she sees him as one of her heroes which is why she asking for help to not lose him (i could be reaching buuttt) and I don't know how to deal with my emotions right now. 

I Think He Knows. (6)

I think he knows that his hands around a cold glass, make me wanna know that body like it’s mine.

want to see what’s under that attitude. I want you, bless my soul.

I think he knows he better lock it down or I won't stick around ‘cause good ones never wait.

He is so obsessed with me, and boy I understand. 

yallllll this songgggg. the innuendo ??? i love ittttttt. also I love the fact that she knows her worth. That she finally understand who she is in a relationship and is able to realize that she is a good one, that if she is not happy she can leave. AND THAT AMKES ME SO PROUD CAUSE TAYLOR YOU ARE SO AMAZING.

And thats the end of it folks. I waited so long for this album... had so many count downs and bless me for living in Hawaii were I go the album on the 22 at 6pm thanks to time differences. 

CONCLUSION: LOVER IS A MASTER PIECE AND EVERY SINGLE SONG IS SO AMAZING AND THERES NOT A SINGLE SONG BEING SKIPPED WHEN LISTENING.