#lafayette in hamilton is kindaaa

[morerandombullshit]

so i kinda made a bit of a mistake

um

i realized i have feelings for someone who's sorta a friend-ish named Kieran (i'm not sure where we stand rn but i'll get to that) and he's actually genuinely nice and considerate and just good to be around and has a nice smile ig but i shouldn't be feeling this way because i'm a romantic failure and i overheard him make a comment ab me that wasn't really the best that i have no context for (basically i was waiting for the streetcar and apparently that's a crime bc i heard the same guy who touched the side of my waist go, "She looks paralyzed" like one misgendering and two i was overthinking and then Kieran goes, "Oh maybe she's autistic and like dude wtf) and i like, defended him slightly to my friend at the time i was telling her about it not knowing why and now i've realized and i'm so fucking mad at myself for doing this and i hate it so much and i want it all to stop

and the worst fucking part is that buddy is green-eyed and like, maple leaves in sunlight remind me of that and there's some maple trees that get caught in sunlight and it pisses me off and i hate it i want it all to stop because i'm never emotionally ready to have a crush that isn't a fictional character and i stayed up listening to sad shit/Assassin's Creed soundtracks for two nights in a row which i haven't done since the most disastrous crush i've ever had (i've only really had 3, the first one was the worst one) and i wanna go back on being six months clean so fucking bad because i know i need to talk to him ab the comment but i can't because

a. i'm a fucking coward

and b. it'll be so fucking awkward when i see him again and i can't handle that

i'm this close to snapping and doing something i'm gonna regret, and it's not fucking pretty

also on the extremely low chance he actually has Tumblr and i'm cooked like Kentucky Fried Chicken, i'm going to scream until i lose my voice

ANYWAYS i watched Hamilton and listened to the soundtrack, new hyperfixation acquired and Lafayette >>> plus he's kinda hot tho

same with Heathers but i haven't seen it yet

anyways don't pull a me, be safe and don't let assholes control you