#ladyintree: 54.

[manslaught]

the thought of just not returning to the room entirely was tempting, but eventually, mikayla decided she couldn't avoid this any longer, that she was the one who kissed tai in the first place, so she has to be the one brave enough to face the aftermath— but brave isn't an accurate way to describe the way she still avoids saying anything at all to @ladyintree, climbing into her own bed wordlessly, trying not to think about how it's been untouched the night before, because she was in tai's instead. it's not helpful, doesn't make her any less nervous, so she tries to convince herself that all of this is normal, that she'd do this exact same thing at cheer camp without any issue. the difference is she never felt anything for any of those girls, but she can't say the same for tai.

she should be exhausted, given that she'd only slept for a few hours at most the night before, having been awake since she snuck out of tai's bed in the middle of the night— but her mind feels too busy to even consider going to sleep. she's stuck wondering how tai feels about all of this, if she even cares. does it feel just as torturous for her, to have mikayla once and feel like she could never have her again? does she even want that again? mikayla tries telling herself that tai wouldn't, thinking back to all the years they've spent arguing with each other, back to the argument they'd had just yesterday. she doesn't want to talk about soccer at all, but all mikayla knows how to do to distract herself from a problem is focus on another.

“ i never wanted to play soccer, ” she finally says, breaking the silence, cringing at how out of place it feels. but she's thinking about how tai was blaming her yesterday, acting like she missed the shot because she didn't care about the game— and if that's true, then it's her father's fault, not her own. “ my dad made me do it. ” mikayla pulls her gaze away from the ceiling to cast a glance in tai's direction, but it's too dark for her to see anything, so she just looks away again, shifting uncomfortably on her bed. “ so you were right, i guess. about me not liking it. ”

[manslaught]

it's still difficult for mikayla to believe that any of this is actually happening— that something in her life is finally going right, even if she knows that's all going to change the minute they get back home, when she's forced to face reality again. she rolls her eyes, because she's not lying, meaning every word of what she said, but she lets it go. her entire body feels warm when tai compliments her, which almost feels laughable, because she's heard that exact same phrase from so many people, but it only matters coming from her. “ you're only saying that because i don't have any clothes on, ” she teases in an attempt to hide how much it affects her, because she's still not used to being vulnerable around her.

mikayla still thinks she should have just stayed the previous night, but tai's probably right— knowing herself, mikayla probably would have ruined everything if she reacted the next day without talking to someone else beforehand, so maybe she was right for leaving, even if she could have gone about it better. “ right. and... even after we get back home? ” they'd already mostly hinted that they wanted to keep seeing each other last night, but mikayla wants more confirmation, something good to hold onto while she has to deal with everything else at home. “ i get free movie tickets, so... maybe in a few days, after i figure everything out— we could do something outside of a bed. ” she's too nervous to call it a date, knowing that whatever this is likely can't last beyond the summer, but it's what she means anyway, now that they're in a place where they can finally talk.

tai’s smile grins,  because days ago,  she wouldn’t have trusted a thing mikayla said.  and now,  she has no doubt,  the look she gives her full of affection now to let her know that she believes her.   ❝  i know,  ❞  she says quietly,   bringing her hand up to rest gently on her shoulder,  gliding it up carefully until it brushes over her cheek.   she lets out a scoff,  her brows raising.  ❝  okay.  now i know you’re lying,  ❞   she teases,  adjusting herself so she can turn towards her more.   ❝ —  you .  .  .   are so fucking beautiful, ❞   she says, her demeanor changing again as she turns more serious, her tone sweet.   she hums while her thumb brushes over mikayla’s jaw.   ❝  i think— it was good for us.  we had time to think.  ❞   and that thinking didn’t turn them away from each other.  that has to be a good thing.   ❝  now we’re here.  and we can make the most of it now.  right?  ❞

[manslaught]

already, she’s regretting not staying the previous morning, because she could have had this then— this feeling of comfort that’s completely unknown to her, instead of the usual dread that comes with waking up. mikayla slows her kisses along her jaw when she feels tai start to wake, just barely pulling back to watch her instead, propping her head up in her hand. “ i told you i wouldn’t, ” she reminds her with a scoff. “ i wouldn’t lie. ” to her, at least, because she sees no issue in lying to the rest of the world most of the time. the promise she made to tai was partly selfish, anyway, because she wanted to wake up next to her; that was true yesterday, too, but she was too afraid to let herself actually have it, leading her to disappear in the middle of the night instead. “ you look cute first thing in the morning, ” mikayla whispers, ignoring the way her face burns, still getting used to actually complimenting her out loud. “ kind of pissed at myself for missing out on it yesterday. ”

her eyes roll,  feeling bashful for even suggesting it,  but it was a genuine offer.  she trusts her parents,  and she knows they’d do whatever to help one of her friends—  even if that’s not what mikayla is.  ❝  shut up,  ❞   she mumbles,  taking a deep breath and trying to explain.   ❝  i just mean— we have extra rooms,  or whatever.  it’s safe there.  it’s just an option if you need one.  okay?   ❞  

she lets out a laugh,  nearly moving her hand up to cover her face,  but she stops herself,  her hand stopping back against mikayla’s back instead.  she hums,  shaking her head slowly.   ❝  i’m not.  trust me,  i’m not,  ❞  she repeats,  leaning in closer to her.  ❝  i’m just getting used to you surprising me,  ❞   she whispers.   she’s amused,  her eyes dropping between them as she sucks in a breath.   ❝  it is a long plane ride,  ❞    she whispers,  biting down on her lip before she looks back up to her.     

— she starts to smile before she even opens her eyes,  and she’s immediately relieved to know that mikayla's still here. part of her was afraid to fall asleep because she didn’t know if she could handle that rejection again,  but after their talk,  after they let it all out in the open,  she knew she had reason not to expect the worst.   she runs her hand along her back until it reaches her hair,  fingers burying in it as she slowly starts to open her eyes.  ❝  you didn't run away this time, ❞ she whispers, her way of saying 'i'm glad you're here.' 

[manslaught]

she doesn't know if she could actually promise that, knowing her pride might get in the way, that she won't want to come off as so needy after they just barely started being civil with each other— but she finds comfort in it, at least, knowing that there's another option for her to turn to now, that she's not as completely fucked as she thought she was right after their loss. “ i think it's a little early to just move in with you, ” she teases, though the thought's a little tempting, just because it means she'll be close. “ but i'll let you know. ”

mikayla regrets all the time she spent running from this, because just being with her like this, flirting, feels like a breath of fresh air, a reminder that her life doesn't have to be so dark all the time. a part of her wishes they could just stay like this forever, carefree, just invested in each other, but she knows that's not possible— so she decides that she shouldn't waste it. “ i'm trying to get you off, actually, so i don't think you should be complaining. ” she actually didn't know if they'd ever end up here again, spending the day half-convinced that she was going to face rejection the moment she brought up the previous night. she feels warm, knowing that she wasn't the only one who couldn't get her mind off her all day, leaning closer until their lips are nearly touching. “ i think... that i should give you even more to think about tomorrow. ” she barely gets the words out before she's closing the distance between them, mouth finding hers, hand moving lower.

— unlike last time, when mikayla wakes, still wrapped up in tai's arms, she doesn't panic. she doesn't have any urge to leave, to avoid her, because this time, she's certain that it wasn't some mistake, something she'd have to apologize for. that, and she promised she'd stay this time, and while mikayla's not known for being reliable, she actually wants to keep her word. she should just let tai sleep, because she's cute like this, but there's not much time they have left before they're going to be forced to go back home, when mikayla has to deal with being essentially homeless, so she leans in, pressing gentle kisses along tai's jaw, hoping to slowly wake her up, just so they could take advantage of the time they have left together.

she looks over her for a long moment,   wishing she knew more about her earlier on,  like that would've made difference,  or she could've helped her sooner.   but maybe she can now,  in some way,  even if she doesn't know what will happen to them once they leave here.   ❝  okay.  but you—    you'll let me know if you need anything?  ❞   she asks carefully,  because it's a little awkward;  it's not like they've ever really offered the other anything,  but she's still genuine now,  anyway.   ❝  even if it's a place to stay, or whatever.   you don't have to go back there,  ❞   she assures her.

she's too amused to think rationally,  letting out a soft giggle to her words.  ❝  a blanket?  god, it's like you've thought about this, ❞   she teases.  the promise of this continuing once they're back home makes her heart race,  because she doesn't know if their feelings will change once they're no longer away from home.   she doesn't think hers could, though—   not with how comfortable her body feels pressed against hers,  so the idea makes her smile,  until her eyes widen with intrigue as her hand moves down.   taissa's hand slides to her shoulder,  then brushes over her collarbone with her fingertips  before moving it back to her arm.  ❝  you finally came back to the room just to get laid again?  ❞   she taunts,  letting out another laugh to show her she's only teasing, because she really isn't holding that against her.  she hums,  her eyes glancing to her lips, then back to her eyes before she finally nods.  ❝  I couldn't stop thinking about you all day,  ❞   she whispers,  hips shifting into her slightly.   ❝  what do you think? ❞

[manslaught]

maybe one day, she'll feel comfortable enough to tell tai more about what mikayla actually has to deal with at home, all the things that made her keep her distance for so many years— she just doesn't want to delve into any of that now, knowing it's their last night before she has to go back to all of that. now that she's mostly gotten over losing, gotten over her anxiety and fear of rejection from tai, she just want to be able to enjoy this while she can: being away from new jersey, safe, with her. “ yeah, ” she admits with a sigh. “ but if i don't go back home— it should be okay, i think. ” she hopes, but that's more than she's managed to do her entire life, so at least it's a start, the feeling that things might actually get easier, even if they had to get harder first.

she lets out a giggle, accompanied by a satisfied grin. “ i don't have to behave... nobody would notice if we had a blanket over us. ” it's not entirely true, because them just sharing one might be enough to attract attention. mikayla doesn't actually anticipate them doing anything in public anyway, not when so much is on the line, especially around their teammates. “ — but i could also just figure a way to make it up to you after we're back home. ” mikayla bites down on her own lower lip, placing her free hand on tai's waist, only to slide it between them, stopping just above her waistband. “ or right now. ”

taissa nods her head slowly,  because she’s not surprised,  given how long it took them to get anywhere anyway.  she can pretend she’d have the confidence,  but she also knows that she probably wouldn’t,  either.   her eyes stare back at hers,  and she doesn't say anything at first,  trying to decide if it’s even something mikayla wants to expand on.  she can understand it without the explanation, anyway—  it’s not as simple as they want it to be regardless.  ❝  it’s okay,  ❞   she says quietly.   ❝  it happened eventually.   ❞    she tries not to worry about the fact that they will soon be on their separate ways,  that they likely also wasted so much time in the process,  and instead,   focuses on the fact that they’re here now.  ❝  are you  .  .  .  still worried about those other things?  ❞ she asks hesitantly. 

tai starts to smile against her skin,  amused by her response,  finally letting out a soft laugh when she goes on.   ❝  god—  ❞   she murmurs in a pout, her nose brushing against her neck before she pulls back to look at her again.   ❝  —now you’re going to make me think about that the whole time, anyway?  ❞   she teases.   

[manslaught]

“ i probably wouldn't have let you anyway. ” because it would have freaked her out, made her be awful in response. the only time that didn't happen was the last time they were in the locker room together, after the allie incident— but that was different, because mikayla knew nothing would happen then, that tai needed someone to tell her it wasn't her fault, and mikayla was the only one who didn't care enough about the injury to do it. “ i wasn't just afraid of you rejecting me, ” she frowns, hesitant to say any more than that, because she doesn't want to ruin the mood by bringing up him. “ it was— other things, too. ”

mikayla's not used to feeling excited just about the idea of holding hands, assuming that she's better than that, because it feels so middle school, but it's different when it's the girl she's had a crush on for years now, so she tries not to feel ashamed. when tai starts kissing her skin, she lets her eyes close, tilting her head back slightly to give her more room. “ i wouldn't complain. ” even if it's unlike her, she feels too shy to just outright tell her yes, despite tai being the first to grab her hand. “ it would keep me from putting my hand somewhere else, which is probably— safer. ” she adds, mostly just in hopes of getting another reaction out of her.

her nose scrunches and she lets out a small laugh,   feeling ridiculous for all the times she got frustrated,  waiting for one small moment between them only to lose it when mikayla quickly walked out.  it’s not like taissa expected anything to happen,  but she at least wanted to believe that they could find something good to say to each other without any bitterness laced in between.   ❝  yeah— i noticed that,  ❞   she admits,  frowning momentarily.  ❝  i always,  like,  told myself i’d talk to you without—  you know,  being awful.  ❞  she scoffs,  shaking her head.   ❝  you never gave me the chance.  i figured it was intentional,  just  .  .  .   not like that.  ❞   her eyes search hers for a long moment before she says anything.   ❝  you didn’t have to be scared,  ❞   she says quietly,  even though she understands why she would— she just wants to reassure her now.  

her eyes roll,  and she pretends to be frustrated,  but she can’t wipe the smile away anyway.  her brows furrow when she tells her she depends,  but taissa is learning that whatever mikayla has in store for her isn’t going to be bad.  her grin grows when she finally finishes,  and taissa’s hand gives her a squeeze as she hums,  leaning forward and pressing a kiss against her jaw,  then down to her neck,  then up close to her ears.   ❝  is that what you want me to do?  ❞   she asks quietly. 

[manslaught]

“ there's a reason i tried not to be alone in the locker room with you, ” she admits, because a part of her knew that this was inevitable if they were; of course, before last night, mikayla could never be sure if tai would actually want that, so to her, trying anything just meant facing very possible rejection, which is why she kept her distance. that, and she was terrified of this, right up until last night, when she realized she'd been holding back long enough. “ i was, like— afraid this would happen. ” she'll be afraid again once they're back home, because it's easy not to care here, so many miles away from her father. but since she's already decided she's not going back to that house anyway, maybe it won't be as suffocating as it's been the last six years of her life— maybe she can finally figure out how to stop pretending, at least around certain people.

“ too late for that. ” it's hard to not let it go to her head, especially since she needs the ego boost after their loss, after spending the first few hours afterward beating herself over it, blaming herself the same way he would. mikayla nearly suggests that they could just tell everyone else they're friends now, as if that wouldn't be even more strange to the rest of them— but saying anything like that feels too close to attempting to put a name to whatever this actually is, and it feels far too early for that. “ depends, ” mikayla sighs dramatically, as if she's only considering it, despite being the one to bring it up. she glances over at their intertwined hands on the bed, ignoring how warm her face feels. “ are you going to hold my hand the entire time? ”

she lets out a small laugh,  relieved at least that they were on the same page.  it feels silly now,  especially now that high school is practically over and they’re about to go their separate ways.  they wasted so much time pretending to hate each other when really,  they just wanted to be near each other.  she doesn’t know how to vocalize that now,  because she doesn’t know what to suggest or where they’re supposed to go from here.   ❝  maybe all that time we spent fighting,  we should’ve just tried to do it alone,  ❞   she teases,  because that’s what finally brought them here,  close enough to figure out what that was really about.    

her eyes roll,  but her smile only grows again.  ❝  don’t let it go to your head,  ❞   she teases,  but she doesn’t mind if it does,  because she’s finding she craves that from mikayla,  anyway.   she hums into the kiss,  her entire body melting into hers,  feeling relaxed for the first time in probably months,  because she’d been so wrapped up in their final season that she never knew how to catch a breath.  her brow raises at the suggestion,  both amused and endeared.   ❝  probably,  ❞  she answers honestly,  but she lets out a sigh moments later.   ❝  but who cares?   i think people will be more surprised that we didn’t kill each other than anything,  ❞   she says with a small laugh.  ❝  i want to, though.  if you’re okay with it.   ❞    she pauses,  her fingertips still dragging lightly against her arm.   ❝  are you?  ❞ 

[manslaught]

“ i know what you mean. ” she hated it, too, her inability to move on, because every other mindless crush she'd ever had never lasted any longer than a few weeks at best before she became uninterested, bored— but her attraction to tai festered for years, no matter how much she tried to smother it. “ it pissed me off, too. ” mikayla almost considers explaining more, like how long it's been for her, but it feels too dangerous, especially when she's not sure what's actually going to come out of all this.

she rolls her eyes in response, even if she knows tai's right, because she's always intentionally been that way. “ whatever. you're into it. clearly. ” which is almost amusing, since it had always been mikayla's attempt to keep tai at a distance, yet it just did the opposite. her expression softens in a way she isn't used to at all, especially around her, her head nodding slowly, free hand moving up to brush her fingers along tai's jaw. “ me, too. ” she leans up to kiss her briefly. when she pulls back, she's almost nervous, shy, because she's thinking about her conversation with travis, how he seemed to think the next move was to ask tai out— but the idea's still mortifying to mikayla, so she tries for something simpler. “ is it... weird if we sat next to each other on the plane? ” she knows it likely will be for everyone else, but for once, she doesn't care about what any of them might think.

a smile spreads over her features and she nods her head.   ❝  i did,  ❞  she says,  seeing no reason to deny it now.   ❝  you were kind of impossible to get off my mind.  ❞   she lets out a scoff moments later.  ❝  — it was infuriating,  ❞   she adds,  though the smile remains,  because she finds it endearing now that she’s on the other side of it.  

she gulps,  her eyes searching hers as she tells herself it’s okay to believe her now.  she wants to,  even though she’s sure they’re both going to wake up with nerves tomorrow,  too.   at least they’ll have had this conversation,  they’ll be in a better place then.  ❝  me too,  ❞   she says quietly.   with a scoff,  she lets out a small laugh.  ❝  i think i can probably count on that, too,  ❞   she teases.  ❝  but i don’t think you’re going to chase me off or anything.  i’m used to you being a bitch,  ❞   she reminds with a smirk.  her expression turns more serious after a moment and she lets out a sigh. ❝  whatever it is, i'm just . . . glad i'll be waking up to you, ❞ she says quietly.

[manslaught]

she didn't, because mikayla never let herself even entertain the idea that tai might be interested in her, too; it was safer to believe that she hated her, that all that effort mikayla put into getting under her skin worked. “ whatever. i knew you thought about me. ” because she tried to make sure of it, tried to guarantee that she'd be on tai's mind, even if it wasn't in the way she wanted to be. that way, at least she was still something to her.

the touch of their hands usually would have been enough to make mikayla panic and leave, but she doesn't allow that to happen now, finding comfort in it instead. she squeezes her hand tightly in an attempt to encourage it, to tell tai she doesn't want her to let go. she lets out another soft laugh in response to her whine, having to resist the urge to just pull her back in, but this feels important, letting her know that she's going to stay this time, that tai doesn't have to worry about a repeat of this morning. “ i promise. i'll be here. ” there's nowhere else she'd rather be, anyway. mikayla rolls her eyes, head tilting back against the bed. “ maybe i'm just a bitch in the morning. you don't know. ” she teases, because it's impossible for her to think of herself as sweet, ever— but even she's surprised with herself over how soft she's being right now, so maybe she's wrong.

she rolls her eyes again— something she's used to doing with mikayla,  but lately,  it’s entirely with affection,   just as it is now with her grin growing over her features.  ❝  no,  you didn’t,  ❞   she argues with a small laugh,  because if she was anything like her,  she was constantly questioning why she was acting the way she was until last night,  even through today.       

tai scoffs,  laughing into their kiss and easily allowing her body to follow mikayla’s guidance,  making herself comfortable on top of her.  her hand slides down her arm,  searching for mikayla’s to hold.  it instantly feels almost too intimate,  but she doesn’t let that stop her,  gently moving their hands up and pressing them into the bed.  a small whine falls from her lips when she pulls away,  but her eyes open to look at her,  nodding her head at her words.   ❝  promise?  ❞   she asks in a whisper,  leaning back down to peck her lips to hers briefly.  ❝  i was kind of dying to know just how sweet you are in the morning, ❞ she admits, a smirk growing over her lips. she thought about it too much as they were falling asleep, not realizing she shouldn't have gotten her hopes up.  

[manslaught]

she's not used to her looking at her like this— she's not used to anyone lookin at her like this, really, because it's always either desire, disgust, or fear that she's met with instead. and that terrifies her, because she's not sure if she can keep it, if she's even worthy of keeping it. but for now, she doesn't let herself worry about it, trying to enjoy this while it lasts, to finally find comfort in being away from home, instead of just more stress. “ i knew you've always been obsessed with me, ” she teases, even though the same could be said about her— the same has been said about her, since that's what started everything last night anyway.

mikayla's afraid to put too much hope into this, to let herself really believe that this is something they'll just continue to do once they're back in new jersey— but maybe she needs to finally let herself just hope for something, especially when everything else she's going to have to deal with feels so dark. she nods, afraid to actually promise anything, just in case it somehow doesn't work out for them. she has to stop herself from whining when tai pulls away from the kiss, but she manages another giggle instead, clearly not believing her. “ okay. since when? ” she smiles again, ready to argue, to defend herself, but anything she was going to say is cut off by tai's kiss. she pulls her in even closer, mikayla's hand sliding down to tai's waist so she could just pull tai on top of her entirely, needing her to be as close as possible. her hand slides down to hold onto her thigh, kissing her for a moment longer before she pulls back— but not to argue, because she's already forgotten what she was going to say anyway. “ i'm not going to leave this time, ” she promises, opening her eyes just enough to look up at her, wanting tai to know she means it, that she learned from her mistake. “ you're just going to have to deal with me first thing in the morning. ”

a smile grows over her features and she lets out a soft laugh,  her eyes not following hers,  still staring back at her in awe at how sweet she can be when she lets her guard down.   taissa already feels like she missed out on so much time of that— and she doesn’t want to waste a moment now that they’re finally at peace with each other,  especially because she doesn’t know how long it will or can last.  ❝  i’ll keep that in mind,  ❞   she teases,  mostly because she just doesn't want to leave this spot,  and she wants mikayla to know that,  too.  she lets out a scoff and rolls her eyes,  then lets out a compliment that comes far too easily,  too naturally:   ❝  you look good in anything,  ❞   she insists.  ❝  i know.  ❞

she’s not surprised,  but she does feel special,  knowing that it was rare for her.  it means something to her,  and she’s glad that it seems mikayla was able to let her guard down with her.  ❝  guess you’ll just keep me on my toes, then?  ❞    she asks in a whisper,  implying that she wants more,  whatever that is.   her eyes roll when she calls her polite,  her cheeks turning even warmer as she knows what she’s referring to.  she melts into the kiss happily,  still smiling against her lips until it fades,  just to focus on her.   her hand gently runs up and down mikayla’s arm,  but after a long moment,  she pulls back just enough to speak.  ❝  i’m always polite,  ❞   she says,  finally correcting her in a whisper.  her hand lightly pushes her shoulder back,  enough to just barely hover over her.   ❝  you’re just always so hellbent on challenging me,  ❞   she teases,  instantly crashing her lips into hers again.

[manslaught]

all of this is new to her, because she's never actually let herself talk to any of her hookups after the fact, preferring to act like it never happened, because it was safer that way— yet somehow, it still comes naturally to her, flirting like this, and she's not sure if that's because that's just the way she's chosen to present herself to boys, faking her way through all of it, or if it's because she feels comfortable around tai already. “ mm, no. you'd look cute. it's, like, just over there if you want to try it. ” she angles her head in the direction of her suitcase, where she'd thrown the hoodie the previous morning— but she has no actual intentions of getting it right now, unwilling to distance herself from tai now that she's finally close to her, the way she's wanted to be all day. she can't stop the smile that spreads across her face when tai tells her to keep it, her stomach erupting with butterflies despite never having the same reaction for any of the boyfriends who offered the same. “ you don't even know if i look good in it, ” she mumbles, trying not to come off as too excited about the thought. “ i do, though. obviously. ”

she lets out a giggle in response to her gasp, her head shaking. “ okay, fine. maybe i did last night, but— i don't usually. ” she's sure tai can already guess that much, given that mikayla's used to just taking what she wants instead of asking for it, feeling like she's owed most things after everything she's been forced to endure her entire life. mikayla's surprised by how shy tai seems to be about this, considering how overly confident she seems in everything else, but just like everything else about her, it only makes her like her even more, because it's cute, even if it tempts her to just keep talking, just to tease her more, but she controls herself, laughing instead. her grin widens at tai's plea, leading mikayla to lean in closer, but she stops right before their lips are about to touch. “ i didn't know you could be so polite, ” she teases, repeating the same words tai said to her last night, partly just because she wants her to know that she remembers all of it. but she's too impatient to wait for a response, already closing the distance, lips meeting hers in a kiss that's so much softer than the one she initiated yesterday, unable to stop herself from sighing in relief against her, grateful to have this again after spending all day wondering if she could.

she laughs with her,  relieved that they’re getting all of this out there,  especially after all the nerves she felt all day,  waiting for some kind of sign from mikayla that she was okay.   this is what they could’ve had all day,   could’ve woken up with this morning.  maybe that’s a long shot,  because she's sure they both had to get through those nerves,  but she still wishes she could’ve woken to her smile first thing.   maybe there’s still time for that.  ❝  oh,  wow.  you want me to look ridiculous,  ❞    she argues with a teasing grin,  glancing down between them for a moment.    ❝  — you can keep my shirt,  ❞    she says softly.   it’s like some kind of promise,    a way of telling her that it means something to her,  even if she doesn’t know what that is,  exactly.   

her brows furrow,   and she immediately lets out a long, dramatic gasp,  clearly disagreeing with her.   ❝  i think i you and i remember last night differently,  ❞    she taunts,   comfortable enough joking about it now that she started it.   her cheeks immediately warm at her words,  her eyes widening in shock that she's so willing to say something like that,  because she’s still getting used to this side of mikayla (  and really,  spending any more time with someone she’s hooked up with,  allowing it to turn into something like this.  )   with a small laugh,  she brings her hand up,  her finger pressing to mikayla’s lips to tell her to be quiet,  but she’s teasing,  mostly only bashful herself.  her finger drags down,   sliding over her jaw,  then her hand lands on her neck.   she holds her breath as she knows what she’s about to do,  so when she asks,  she almost immediately lets out a desperate gasp.   she could just do it herself,  give her answer that way,  but mikayla's so sweet here in this moment that she can’t pull her eyes away,  and she wants her to kiss her.  ❝  please. ❞

[manslaught]

mikayla's not sure what tai has in mind, but she doesn't just mean sleeping together to distract herself— but maybe that's the safer option, because actually spending time with her, getting to know her, is risky when mikayla knows that it can't last, sure that tai has plans for herself that have no room for mikayla to fit into them. it would be smart to continue keeping her distance, but she's spent her entire life just holding back from everything she wants, so she wants to make an exception now, even if she might just get hurt in the end.

after losing the game, and as a result, ruining her own life at home, mikayla didn't expect to be able to smile at all for weeks, let alone laugh, but she does. “ i knew it. ” she didn't, actually, because just yesterday, she'd been completely oblivious to anything tai might have felt for her, assuming that tai would shove her away seconds after she kissed her— but a part of her always hoped. she smirks when tai flirts back, finally letting go of some of her nerves. “ you could keep just the hoodie on, ” she points out a little too suggestively.

“ i don't beg. ” that's an obvious lie, because she distinctly remembering doing some of that the previous night— something that's usually so unlike her, but she couldn't help herself, more desperate for tai than she's ever been for anything in her life. “ oh, just sometimes? ” she asks with obvious disbelief, a grin on her lips. “ that's too bad. i was into you being my good girl. ” the use of the word my is a slip up, because mikayla knows that's not what this is, but she still likes the thought anyway, so she chooses not to correct herself. her gaze drops to tai's lips, and while she's pretty sure she has permission, after everything they've just admitted to each other, after everything they did yesterday, she still wants to ask this time. “ can i kiss you? ”

she’s surprised when mikayla actually seems to want to take her up on it,  her brows raising slightly,   but as she starts to answer,  it answers other questions she has yet to ask.  even though she doesn’t know what she means exactly,  it’s still some kind of progress.   ❝  i know.  i get it,  ❞   she says quietly,   taking a deep breath before she answers.   ❝  yeah.  i can be good at that,  ❞   she finally says with a small grin.   

tai groans at her words,  leaning her head back in annoyance,  but she can’t help the grin that spreads over her features anyway.   it’s instinct to still argue,  to tell her that she had other reasons—  but it’s not true.  she realizes that now.  she liked going to see mikayla,   liked the anticipation of when mikayla would meet her eyes,  liked challenging her to see if she’d blow her a kiss that time.  and she always won.  ❝  fuck you,  ❞   she mumbles with a small laugh,  hesitating a moment longer before she gives in.   ❝  that’s not why it started.  it’s just—  why i kept going,  ❞   she admits,  rolling her eyes at how easy it is to fold for her.    

just hearing her say that makes tai want to tell her immediately that she’s freezing,  but she holds herself back,   simply basking in her words and smiling softly in the dark.   ❝  i didn’t think you were interested in getting me into clothes, ❞   she whispers,   feeling brave enough to flirt with her, too.

she’s nervous as she lays here with her now,  but when mikayla teases,  it sets her at ease— even if it brings another roll of her eyes.  ❝ you’re the one practically begging me to come over here, ❞   she exaggerates,   a soft grin on her lips as she lets her body melt into hers,  snaking her arm around her waist and holding her close.  her mouth opens,   eyes narrowing in on her,  then she scoffs.  ❝  i am not—  ❞   she mumbles,  taking a deep breath after a moment before she realizes there's no denying it, not when she's had time to process what she was actually like last night. ❝  maybe i just . . . like when you tell me what to do, ❞ she says quietly, because she knows mikayla can just use that against her, but she quickly adds to it. ❝  sometimes, ❞ she adds with a smirk. 

[manslaught]

“ there's... one thing, i guess. ” she's just hesitant to suggest it at all, afraid that she's misreading all of this, assuming that tai actually wants to see her even after they graduate— that just one night together is enough to turn them into something else, something beyond just rivals on the soccer field. “ it's going to be... i don't know, stressful, figuring out what the fuck i'm supposed to do, so maybe you could— distract me. ” it doesn't actually help solve any of her actual problems, but if she could just have one good thing to look forward to, even something that can't last, maybe it'll make everything else just a little easier to bear.

she frowns, but only because she's realizing how much time mikayla wasted trying to push tai away. not only did it not work at all, but maybe they could have had this so much sooner— but she comforts herself by reminding herself that this wouldn't have been allowed any sooner than this, that doing anything with tai earlier would have been putting them both at risk. maybe this is just the way it was supposed to happen, the world finally bringing them together with coach's questionable decision to room them together. “ so i was right, ” she starts to tease, her voice coming out smug. “ you totally just went to football games to watch me cheer. ”

she's definitely not opposed to the idea, especially when it's something that's so undeniably hers. “ you'd look hot in it. ” she doesn't mention that she'd think that about anything taissa wears, because she's still getting used to being open about what she actually thinks about her at all. “ so if you get cold, just let me know. ” as if she's not aware that tai has her own jackets to wear if she actually needed them, but that's not the point. finally, she feels like she's allowed to openly flirt with her, without having to be taunting or condescending about it, so she's going to take every chance she gets.

mikayla doesn't realize she was holding her breath, waiting for tai to join her in her bed, until she hears her start to move. because despite her confidence, she doesn't actually know what tai really wants from her now; just because they wanted each other once doesn't guarantee that tai wants her again. she's both excited and nervous when tai's finally next to her, because she's wanted this for so long, but she doesn't actually know what to do with it. she just tries to appear more sure of herself than she actually is, using that as a crutch. “ god, you just can't get enough of me. ” she teases, her hand reaching for tai's waist, pulling her closer, hoping that it's okay. “ you know, i didn't expect you to be so obedient. ”

her eyes roll,  but a small smile tugs at her lips anyway.   ❝  i mean it,  ❞    she mumbles a moment later,  because despite mikayla’s tease,  her words were genuine,  even if she doesn’t know exactly what to offer.   ❝  if there’s anything,  just  .  .  .   tell me.  ❞    it’s not just an offer to help,  it’s a hint that she wants to be in mikayla’s life.   even if she doesn’t want more than a mere friendship,  tai can work with that.  they’ve never really done it before,   not since they were kids,  but it’s better than leaving this town hating her.  she never wanted to,  anyway.   

her cheeks turn warmer,  and her heart starts to beat faster when mikayla confirms it’s her.  ❝  obviously,  ❞   she repeats to tease her,  but it’s also an attempt to calm her nerves,  because even last night was less unexpected than this revelation.   ❝  — you weren’t alone.  it pissed me off too,   how much i wanted to be around you, ❞   she admits.  the same is true right now,  feeling a million miles away from her despite her being in the bed next to her.  

❝  what,  like your fucking cheer hoodie?  ❞    she mocks playfully,   but she lets out a small laugh,  because she doesn’t actually mean to tease—  she likes the idea,  too.  hearing her say it clearly sets tai at ease,  and she takes a deep breath to remind herself that everything’s okay.   even her frustration of losing the game has faded,  replaced by something calmer—  something mikayla desousa of all people has given her instead.   ❝  good.   because i don’t regret it either,  ❞   she says quietly,  relieved that they’ve both gotten that out now,  at least,  even if she still doesn’t know what to make of it beyond that.  

her body freezes slightly when mikayla tells her to come over there,   because this is different than last night.   it’s not sudden passion leading them to something physical—  it’s something emotional,  something real,  something tai’s spent the last four years avoiding.  but graduation is right around the corner,  soccer is over,   so why is she holding herself back from any of it?    she lets out a shaky sigh before slowly leaving her covers,  taking the few steps over to mikayla’s bed and grabbing her covers to lift them,  enough to slide her body in next to mikayla’s.   she gulps,  her body laying on her side and facing towards mikayla.   she wants to reach her hand out,  to hold her like she’s been desperate to all day  (  ever since she felt her slip away from her arms last night.  )  but she hesitates,  like she needs another sign from mikayla to know that this is still okay.   ❝  good idea,  ❞   she whispers,   trying to hide her nerves.   ❝  you were too far away.  ❞

[manslaught]

“ yeah. it's good. ” it's still terrifying, because even if the home she had was broken, it was still the only thing she'd ever known; but she's not going to miss it, miss him, because she knows it'll be relieving, not having to wonder how much hell he'd put her through every day, waking up every morning wondering if today would be the day he finally snapped on her. “ not really. but it's cute of you to ask. ” she jokes, just in some attempt to distract from how out of place this feels for them, because just a day ago, they were fighting, the way they always do. mikayla wants to say that maybe they can see each other, that tai could help by distracting her from the rest of her life, but she's still not sure where they stand, so she doesn't.

it almost amuses mikayla, the way tai seems so surprised by that, because it's felt horribly obvious this entire time— mikayla wanted everyone to believe she hated tai, but anyone paying attention would have seen that there's a massive difference between the way she treats people she actually resents and the way she's treated tai for the last few years. she found any excuse to talk to her, even if it meant starting an argument, any excuse to get close to her, whereas she'd simply ignore anyone else, because they weren't worth her energy. “ with you, ” she confirms, ignoring how nervous she feels. “ which pissed me off, so obviously, i had to be a bitch to you instead. ” but it was a waste of time, evidently, because not only did it fail to make her crush go away, but it seems to have failed at making sure tai wouldn't want her back.

she wants to move, to go to tai's bed now that it feels like she might actually be allowed, or even to ask her to come to hers instead, but she doesn't actually know what to do here. because even if they both wanted it, both didn't regret it, what does it actually mean for them? “ sorry. you can steal one of mine, i guess. ” she offers like the thought doesn't excite her, but she tells herself to calm down, to not get too ahead of herself. just because they had each other once doesn't mean they can be anything beyond that. “ i don't regret it. ” if she did, she wouldn't have come back at all, would have figured something out instead of returning to their room, avoiding tai the way she'd avoid any mindless hookup she had in the past. but tai isn't that for her, so she can't.

mikayla feels bad, because she didn't think it would actually matter to tai, her not being there in the morning— but she still has time to make up for it, so despite her previous hesitance to suggest anything, mikayla decides there's no reason for them to not take advantage of being alone. “ come here. ”

she feels a little relief in hearing that her father isn’t going to come for her—  but what she says doesn’t set her at ease,  either.    she wants to ask about her mother,  too,  wondering where she is and why she’s not an outlet for her,  but this is only the first time they’re opening up to each other,  and taissa doesn’t want to push or do anything that makes mikayla stop.     ❝  that’s good.  right?  that you can get away,  at least?  ❞    she asks quietly,  because she knows there are too many unknown variables in the mix,  too — something that would have taissa spiraling herself,   but she’s not judging mikayla for it.    ❝  is there  .  .  .   anything i can do?  to help?  ❞    it sounds as awkward as she feels asking,   but she wants to say it,  because mikayla does mean something to her even if last night was just for fun.    ❝  i mean,  i don’t know if there is,  i just—  i want you to be safe,  ❞    she says,   though it doesn’t feel like the clarification makes it sound any less awkward,  either.

she lets out a sigh of relief when mikayla insists she’s not sorry,  but she isn’t expecting her to elaborate.  she’s glad that they’re in the dark,  because her eyes widen in shock when mikayla tells her it’s not something random to her.  ❝  with me?  ❞    she asks,  her voice small,  and as confident as she always carries herself to be,  she’s genuinely surprised that mikayla wanted her for longer than just last night.  she gulps,   nodding her head slowly as she realizes it’s her turn to admit the same.   ❝  i did, too,  ❞   she whispers.  though,  she couldn’t really make sense of it until last night — that’s when it truly clicked for her,  and being without mikayla all day made all of the other pieces fall into place,  too.   ❝  you still surprised me,  ❞   she admits.

it’s hard not to assume that she regretted it when mikayla says she freaked out,  but she repeats her words in her head and reminds herself that she did want it— longer than just last night.   a small laugh leaves her lips as she goes on,  and she shakes her head.   ❝   yeah.   i was wondering where that went.   ❞    her cheeks warm at the thought,  wishing she could have seen it herself,  knowing mikayla probably looked even more beautiful in it than ever.  she thinks over her words for a long moment before letting out a small sigh.   ❝  i did,  ❞   she says quietly,   brows furrowing.   ❝  i mean,  i guess i was kind of freaking out too.   i didn't want to let myself get caught up in everything,  and i thought maybe you  .  .  .   regretted it.   or that it was just because you were bored.  or because you were mad,  ❞   she starts to smile again at her latter words,  because that part is true,  but they quickly turned things around anyway.   ❝  but facing you would have freaked me out a lot less than you just not being here when i woke up,  ❞   she admits,  hoping mikayla understands what it is she really wanted:   her.  

[manslaught]

it takes everything in her to hold back a laugh, because it feels like the story of her life, trying to force herself to like things she was incapable of. but maybe tai knows something about that, because last night made it pretty clear she's not straight, something she was never sure about before— but that has more to do with her own attempts to get herself to stop liking tai, telling herself that tai would never like her back anyway, than it does with any actual observations she's made over the years.

she chooses not to say anything about how staying with brittany is only a solution for a few days at most, not because she doesn't think she'd be welcomed any longer than that, but because her pride won't allow it— but maybe just a few days will give her long enough to figure something out from there. “ no. he doesn't want me. ” nobody does. not her mother, not her father, but she tries not to let it get to her, telling herself they're the ones who are wrong. “ he just likes cashing my mom's child support checks— and that ends when i graduate. ” so he's useless to her anymore anyway, leaving him with no reason to bring her back home.

mikayla's glad they're in separate beds, because she can feel herself trembling as she waits for tai's response, having no idea what to expect from her, because she's still surprised tai didn't shove her away in the first place. mikayla doesn't sit up when tai does, but she does finally turn to her side to face her, trying to make out her features in the dark, to try to read her. her stomach fills with butterflies when she realizes tai doesn't regret it, but mikayla does her best to shut it down, because that doesn't mean that it means anything, that they'll become anything beyond just a random hookup. “ well, then— i'm not sorry, ” she admits, knowing that she needs to let tai know she doesn't regret it, given that her leaving in the middle night had to have suggested otherwise. “ i wanted that for... a long time. i just didn't think i could. ” so instead, she tried to make tai hate her instead, but clearly, that didn't even work.

leaving felt like the only option she had at the time, consumed with her own fear, but now she wonders what might have happened if only she'd stayed instead. could she have had her again? mikayla's face warms at the thought, but she doesn't let it distract herself. “ i guess i just freaked out. ” for so many reasons, some of which she doesn't want to mention, afraid to ruin the moment by reminding tai of the kind of life mikayla has at home. “ i was wearing your shirt when i left, if that helps at all, ” she attempts to joke, corner of her mouth curving into a small smile she's not even sure if tai can see, but it's there anyway. “ i didn't know if you'd want me to stay. ” she admits, voice getting quieter.

she can’t disagree with that—  but she also doesn’t want mikayla to let that weigh on her now.   it’s over,  and as much as taissa still hates that she couldn’t have ended it on a higher note,  she understands too much about mikayla now to resent her for it.  ❝  it’s not your fault,  ❞   she says quietly.   ❝  you can't force yourself to like something.  ❞   she just wants her to know she doesn’t hold it against her,  despite the way she made it sound the night before.   

 her jaw clenches,  because her uncertainty devastates her,  and more than that—  she doesn’t even know what they’re going to be when they get back in that plane.  she wants to help,  wants to reassure her in some way,  but she’s not sure that’s even welcomed.   ❝  okay.  brittany’s,  ❞   she repeats,  trying to let that set her at ease.   after a moment,  her whole body turns to face mikayla’s in the dark.   ❝  he won’t,  like  .  .  .     make you go home,  right?  ❞    she asks in a whisper.  

her brow furrow,  and she brings her hand up to rub at her eyes.   she wants to tell her it’s okay,  that she doesn’t mind hearing any of it—  actually,   she likes it,  getting to know more about her even if it’s nothing good,   but when she goes on and finally refers to what tai had been on edge about all day,  she gulps.  after a moment,  her hands press to the mattress and she pushes herself up to sit.   with a deep breath,  she shakes her head,  still looking over in her direction.   ❝  no.   don’t say sorry for that. ❞   she pauses,  her jaw clenching.   ❝  i mean—  don’t say sorry for what happened.   between us.  ❞    another pause,  and she glances towards the door.   she can’t leave it at that,   so she tries to collect herself before going on.  ❝  i’ll take your sorry for leaving, though,   ❞    she adds quietly,  hoping that prompts her to tell her why.

[manslaught]

that might be the real reason they lost— not that mikayla fucked it up for all of them by missing one shot, but that the other team was just better than them in general. but she knows it's not an excuse her father would ever accept, because in his eyes, it's easier to put all of the blame on his own daughter. she doesn't even really care what the actual reason is, far too concerned with her own survival to give any thought to a sport she never wanted to play in the first place.

she frowns, because it seemed like taissa was mad at her for it in the moment— but she of all people should know better, because it's not as if she meant any of the things she said during their argument, just saying whatever she thought would hurt. “ no— maybe you were right. i could've been better if i actually enjoyed it. ” which means it's his fault, and the thought is comforting, even if she knows she could never tell him that. what she doesn't tell tai is that there were moments when she almost did enjoy it, and all of those moments had to do with her— being playing with her, practicing with her, just being around her made her feel something real, even when it terrified her most of the time. if she's going to miss anything about soccer, it'll be that: her excuse to be near tai.

“ nobody knew. ” except for nat, but that's different; for anyone who didn't have to see it for themselves, mikayla hid what she went through at home, not wanting to appear weak, not wanting to trade the hell she was familiar with for whatever might come in a foster home. “ um— brittany's, maybe. her parents are, like, never home. ” a temporary fix, but just the idea puts her more at ease, because even if she has to swallow her pride and open up to another person about what she's dealt with her entire life, at least she won't have to go back to him. “ either way, i'm not going home. ” mikayla doubts her father actually cares if she doesn't— if he does, she knows it's only because he sees it as a bruise to his ego, worried about what the rest of the town might think of him.

“ i don't know why i told you any of that. sorry. ” she's been doing it far too much lately, opening up to people despite being closed off her entire life— maybe her late night conversations with travis have shown her that it's relieving to let someone else in or maybe she just wants tai to finally understand her. but she knows she can't avoid talking about what happened between them forever, and while she still doesn't feel brave enough to address it despite trying to prepare herself all day, she decides to just rip the bandaid off. “ and i'm sorry for... last night. ” she almost says more, until realizing maybe it's better to keep it vague, because she doesn't know what tai wants her to apologize for— kissing her or leaving before she woke.

she did know that,  but it feels silly to even talk about now,  and though mikayla doesn’t actually give her an apology,   she knows what she’s trying to say,  anyway.   if she felt like she could make a comment about what happened after that argument,  she would—   she’d say something about how it must have just been there attempt to get closer,  because it was,  but she’s not willing to go there yet.   not when mikayla's the one who left, and he’s still waiting for her to be the one to bring it up.  ❝  yeah .  .  .  i know,  ❞   she says quietly.   ❝  with all the shit that could have gone wrong,  i guess i just never considered that we weren’t the best team,  ❞   she admits.   she was trying so hard to calculate their every move,  but nat’s voice is in the back of her head:   play like a fucking team and win.  their opponents clearly had that part down.

tai’s jaw clenches ad mikayla starts to explain.  it’s not exactly what she’s expecting—   but it’s also not surprising,  either,  because while she’s never really known mikayla personally,  she does still pay attention to her.  she just never had that right questions to ask,  nor as it ever her place,  until now,  as mikayla makes it hers.  ❝  oh,  ❞   is all she can say,  because she’s not even sure if mikayla wants her to say anything—  but she’s here,  she’s listening,  she wants to support her in whatever way she can,  even if she’s never been that for her before.

❝  i didn’t actually know you hated it.  i just—  i assumed.  and i wasn’t,  like,  mad at you for it,  either,  ❞    she says quietly,   her heart starting to race as she recalls all the things she said to her,  likely only making this so much worse for her.   why did mikayla even kiss her after all of that?  she can’t understand why she didn’t just push her away entirely.  tai would’ve deserved it;  she was relentless,  desperate to push blame on mikayla,  when clearly,  she was already going to get that at home,  anyway.   tai never wanted to be that for her— she was only looking out for herself.  

 she’s silent for a long moment,  wishing that she could reach her hand out and grab hers,  but she keeps hers pressed to her chest as she grips the sheets over her and lets out a soft sigh.   ❝  i didn’t know,  ❞    she whispers.   ❝ that  .  . .   that’s how it was.  ❞   she doesn’t need to ask for the details to understand it all,  but she’s surprised that mikayla’s opening up to her at all.  she gulps after a moment,  hesitantly going on.   ❝  do you have somewhere else to go?  ❞   it comes from a place of concern;   even if they’re still not ‘friends’  after last night,  she still wants to help in some way.   ❝  can you go somewhere else?  ❞   she asks,  wondering if it’s even an option for her.