#ladyintree: 09.

[manslaught]

“you can stop looking at me like i'm going to die. i'm literally fine.” she's been in far worse condition, though mikayla's not sure how comforting that would be to tell tai, because for most people, this is already considered bad—three deep gashes in her arm from the talons of a drakon, a puncture wound left in the side of her right hand from when she'd stabbed it in the mouth, stabbing herself with one of it's teeth in the process, her clothes ripped and skin scraped throughout her body. in the back of her mind, all she can think about is how her sister had been killed by something similar—a bigger monster, but the same breed nonetheless—and how it could have easily been her with the same fate. and tai wouldn't have understood.

that's probably the worst part of this—not the sting of each of her wounds, some burning more than others, not the embarrassment of looking so battered, but the fact she can't even explain herself. she can't claim to have fallen, to have gotten jumped, anything other than the truth, which isn't an option, either. “i was just going to duct tape some gauze around most of it. it... looks worse than it is.” it feels worse than usual, too, because she'd ran out of ambrosia to heal herself with, spending too much time with @ladyintree to allow herself to visit camp for more. “i look gross, so—you don't have to stay. i can deal with it.”

[manslaught]

it's not as if mikayla's done much to really earn taissa's trust— if she were able to think more clearly, she'd recognize that, know that she's lied to her repeatedly, despite most of them not even being believable. all the times she'd insisted there was nothing between them, that she didn't want tai, that she was straight; she told herself those lies didn't count, because they were fueled by fear, not malice, but they likely didn't earn her much trust regardless. but all the lies she tells her now are only to protect her, because tai doesn't understand the world mikayla comes from, because it's so much to explain, so much to put on someone else.

“ i didn't mean to. you weren't supposed to see me like this. ” she was supposed to just deal with it on her own, the way she always does. mikayla can't even find comfort in having taissa here with her, because instead, she's just anxious, knowing she has to give her some kind of answer, reveal a part of herself that she wasn't prepared to get into yet.

and almost immediately, she regrets giving her the truth, because she can tell it was a mistake. the irritation tai feels is obvious, though mikayla doesn't entirely understand it. she'd expected confusion, disbelief, but not this. maybe she should have, thinking back to the way some of the other campers act when they first arrive, like they're annoyed by everything they're being told, but mikayla always felt like that was different, because it is annoying to have to deal with all of it firsthand, to find out that they're doomed to a life of fighting off monsters just for existing.

anger begins to swell in her chest as tai pulls away from her, but mikayla does her best to smother it, to remind herself that this isn't something that's easy to accept— it was only easy for her because after being faced with a chimera, saved by a satyr, there wasn't really much room to argue after. she wants to be patient, understanding, but both are virtues mikayla's never excelled at, never even tried. she doesn't really know where to begin.

“ i told you i wasn't fucking normal. i don't know how many times i told you that. ” she remembers tai insisting that it didn't matter to her, but seeing the way she's reacting now, mikayla's afraid that maybe that wasn't true. maybe she will lose taissa, just because she decided to open up, tell her the truth about herself. and maybe it's for the best, to lose her now rather than later, because tai finding out would always be inevitable if they wanted to last— better to just rip the bandaid off now, to end something that's just hardly begun, rather than waiting years down the road.

she lets out an irritated groan, hands clenching into fists, ignoring the pain that shoots up her arm as she does. “ i'm not going to a fucking hospital, taissa. i'm not telling you all this because i've lost too much blood. ” there's a part of her that almost wants to use that excuse. it would be easier to just laugh it off, blame her lightheadedness, and tell tai to act like this never happened, but she's not sure if she could live with it after, if she could be with tai, knowing that she's unwilling to listen, to even try accepting the truth about mikayla.

but if she was tempted at all to take it back before, the thought vanishes entirely when tai throws that in her face, because it doesn't feel fair, not now. she has been real with her, telling her about her father, why she was so afraid to be with her, giving tai as much as she could without revealing the rest of herself— none of that came easily to her, not after spending her entire life hiding the entirety of herself from everyone, including her own siblings, the people who should have understood her the most. “ if i was going to lie to you, don't you think i would have chosen something a little more believable than this? i am being real with you. more real than i've ever been. ” she scoffs, “ what do you think happened? you think i got mauled by, what, a fucking bear in the middle of the city? is that what you want me to tell you? ”

mikayla had offered to prove she was telling the truth, but now that she feels like she has to, despite tai not asking for it, she's not entirely sure how she's supposed to. if she were like some of the other campers, like leo or percy, maybe then it would be easier, but her powers aren't as obvious, leaving her clueless on how to make tai believe her. “ just fucking look at me, tai. do i look like a normal person? ” for once, she's not just being conceited. even covered in her own blood, she's beautiful in a way that most people aren't. but mikayla knows that's not enough proof, that tai isn't going to just buy the fact that she's this attractive because her mother's the goddess of beauty, even if that's the truth. so mikayla reaches for the flask, not just to remind tai of what happened when she drank from it, the way almost all of her wounds vanished immediately, but so she could crush it in her hand, the metal crumpling like plastic beneath her fingers.

“ i can do shit like that. and you know that, because i've broken so much shit around you, even if you were too fucking distracted to notice. ” mikayla gestures toward the cracks in her headboard, indents that are too similar in shape and size to her fingers to be pure coincidence. “ and... the way people just fucking listen to me? you think that's normal? that day when my roommate interrupted us, when she was fucking crying about whatever the fuck happened, i told her to stop crying, and she did— it's because i didn't give her a choice. ” she's hesitant to even bring it up, afraid that tai might assume she's used that ability on her, if tai even believes it at all, but she just wants to make her realize that everything's been there this entire time, no matter how much mikayla's tried to hide it from her. “ i know it's a lot, okay? i know it's crazy. but i'm not fucking lying to you. ”

trusting her?  that's hard in any normal situation.  she rarely ever knows where mikayla stands,  and she leaves far too many loose ends for taissa to ever know how to properly deal with.  had it been anyone else,  taissa wouldn't waste her time,  feeling like way too many things were out of her hands for her to every accept.  but there's something about mikayla that just makes it so difficult for taissa to ever truly turn away,  something that pulls her in instead,  and after so long of convincing herself she didn't need to get this close to anyone again,  she finds herself longing for it anyway.  she just feels comfortable with her,  less exposed than she often does with those who are always asking too many questions,  and she doesn't want to lose that.  but right now, she doesn't know how to handle whatever's going on with her.  it's only making her start to panic.

 ❝  trust you,  ❞   she repeats, rolling her eyes and shaking her head quickly.   but she looks down at mikayla's hand as she places it on her knee,  and she wants so badly to melt into the touch,  to remind herself that whatever happened to mikayla,  it doesn't matter,  because she's here and she's going to be okay.  still,  something eats away at her,  telling her that it's not that simple.  there are too many signs that make it obvious it's not,  signs that taissa is desperate to ignore -- but mikayla's making that so difficult.   ❝  --- i'm trying, ❞   she says,  in a much calmer voice this time,  but she still looks at her with the same worried confusion,  and an attempt to bury the anxiety behind it,  too.   her eyes search hers,  trying so hard to believe her,  but she can't make sense of anything.  she has to take her word for it -- and that's not always easy for taissa.  after a long moment, she gives her a small nod,  trying not to dwell on the wounds on her features.   ❝  okay.  you're just--- freaking me out,  ❞    she admits,  and admitting that is more than she'd normally be willing to give,  but she's at a loss of words.  

if mikayla wasn't covered in wounds, taissa might have laughed to disregard explanation she starts to give,  because it sounds so ridiculous coming from her lips.  instead,  she gives her a small glare -- on that isn't intentional but happens regardless,  because she's already decided that the trust she was willing to give her a few moments ago is nothing now.  her jaw starts to drop  --  not out of shock or understanding,  but of pure annoyance,  because every word coming from mikayla's mouth now sounds so ridiculous, and to taissa, a little insulting.

she has limited knowledge of the gods -- all from classes that were such a bore to her because it was never productive,  just a waste of her time as she was entirely uninterested in the things she couldn't understand.  'aphrodite' is a familiar name -- one she likely disregarded immediately once zooming through an exam,  but now,  there's something so deeply dreadful about it.  she lets out a scoff first,  her leg instinctively pulling away from mikayla's hand as she tries to figure out how to process whatever she's spewing now. 

 ❝  yeah, that 'monster' really did a number on you,  ❞   she mumbles, words dripping with sarcasm,  making it clear she doesn't believe her -- but she's only more concerned about what really happened to her now,  because she's making no sense.  the problem is that whatever mikayla's saying may actually be registering somewhere deep down where tai doesn't want to reach --- because suddenly,  she's no longer intersted in getting to the real truth,  a wave of anxiety hitting her that she can't place.  if she thinks too long about this,  she might actually understand that there's truth to mikayla's words.  she might actually be open to hearing it.  but none of that makes sense on the surface, and even allowing herself one brief moment to truly think about it terrifies her,  so she has to push it down instead -- even if that means hurting mikayla in the process.

---  just as she did in the wilderness,  when the entity that swallowed them whole was calling the shots,  and tai refused to believe in it until she'd nearly pushed everyone away.  she believed in it out there  --   but once she returned to civilization, she promised herself never to give in to anything like that again,  because it made her feel entirely out of touch with who she was and everything she ever knew --- just as what mikayla's telling her now threatens to do. 

her jaw clenches, a scowl forming on her features.  she straightens up, preparing her defenses.  taissa isn't falling for it.

 ❝  what the fuck is wrong with you?  ❞   she's caught between her worry about mikayla's current condition and her own selfish need to build a shield to protect herself from everything that is unknown to her.  nineteen months in the wilderness didn't actually provide the clarity she convinced herself it might have out there -- it only put her even more on guard,  not just to those around her who wished to dig out every secret she had carefully buried away,  but to those who might try to drag her into something she can't possibly make sense of.  ❝  seriously,  mikayla.  you do sound fucking crazy.  just fucking let me take you to the hospital,  ❞   she insists again,  because it's better than asking yet again what really happened,  and it's more comfortable than actually allowing herself to entertain the idea that a fucking greek god is her mother.  

❝  unless you really are just that fucking afraid to be real with me about anything,  ❞   she can't help herself from adding,  bitter resentment creeping back up from the time when it felt like mikayla was only playing with her heart over and over again.  there's no real reason for it to come up now -- other than tai's attempt at a defense mechanism,  because despite not wanting to lose her now,  she'd rather argue over something that she can make sense of,  rather than something she's too afraid to know might hold some truth.

[manslaught]

there's a fraction of a second in which mikayla considers telling tai to calm down, giving her no choice, and she's almost able to convince herself that it wouldn't be wrong, because it's for tai's own good— but the thought of using any of her powers on taissa makes her feel sick to her stomach, so she has to handle this like a regular person would instead. “ by just trusting me. can you do that? ” she reaches forward to rest her hand on tai's leg, trying desperately to calm her down and assure her, despite having no experience in that at all. “ you should know enough about me by now that you know i don't want to die. if i tell you i'm going to be okay, it's because i will be. ”

she hates this, seeing the confusion in tai's face and knowing she's the cause, knowing that all the answers she has to give will only lead to more. it might be the first time in her life that she wishes she were normal, willing to give up all her strength and abilities to just be with taissa without worrying about anything else— but that's just not possible, even if she's been trying to pretend for the past few months. “ something like that. ” mikayla doesn't know how to lead into it; maybe if she were warmer at camp, more open with the other demigods, she'd know how some of the others told the people in their lives about the truth. instead, she spent all her time training and pushing them away, leaving her with nothing to go off now.

as much as she wants to just brush past all of this and tell tai nothing close to the truth, she's starting to feel like that's not an option. maybe taissa needs to know, even if she doesn't want to, because there could be a day when mikayla just doesn't return, and she doesn't want tai to think that it's because of her. she deserves to have some kind of answers. the paranoia of what the knowledge might do to tai still eats at her, but if it does break her, if she can't handle it the way her sister's father couldn't, mikayla decides now that she'll do whatever it takes to fix it, even if it means marching up to olympus and demanding help from her mother.

“ it's nectar, ” she says finally, her gaze settling on the flask, because it's easier to focus on that than whatever tai's reaction might be as she goes on. “ it's... what the gods drink. it would kill a human, but it heals me, because— ” she grimaces, not from the pain, but because she knows as soon as she admits this, she can't take it back. not easily, at least. “ —because my mom's aphrodite. the aphrodite, from all the greek myths, except they're not myths. they're real. ” mikayla glances down at her wounds, letting out a shaky sigh. “ and this is from a monster. it happens to people like me. i know how to handle it. and i know you're probably thinking i'm crazy or lying, but i can... prove it, if you need me to. ”

tai wants so badly to just believe her,  to accept what she’s saying and let her do whatever she needs to do.  but it doesn’t make sense to tai,  so it’s hard to let herself do that.  it feels wrong,  and the second she allows herself to let it go,  she feels like she’d only be betraying her anyway.   ❝  how am i supposed to believe that?  ❞   she asks,  her voice still lightly panicked.  it’s not about not trusting her,  it’s about just being worried and feeling powerless to really do anything herself.

she feels defensive now,  jaw clenching as she shoots a glare back at her.  it’s because mikayla’s right — she is in denial of whatever’s going on,  because if it doesn’t make sense to her,  then it can’t be real.  she’s trying desperately to put it all together in a way that makes sense from what she knows,  but whatever’s going on with mikayla just won’t work that way.  ❝  no,  i—  ❞   she looks down again,  brows furrowing in confusion.   her head falls back,  eyes rolling because everything coming out of mikayla only seems more unsettling.   ❝  what,  she’s famous or something?  ❞  she mumbles,  wondering what that really has to do with any of this,  still trying to piece it together herself.  

she takes a deep breath, trying to calm herself down,  mostly for the sake of mikayla,  because she’s still worried about whatever pain she’s going through.  ❝  people who—- what,  heal really fucking fast from  .  .  .   whatever the fuck that is,  ❞  she says,  nodding towards the flask.  that still doesn’t make sense to her,  but there’s a part of her that is desperate for mikayla to just say yes and make it that simple.  she stares at her for a long time,  because although she wants the truth more than anything,  this has only unsettled her more and more,  and there’s something in her begging not to hear the truth.  ❝  how?  ❞   she says finally,  frowning back at her.   ❝  how am i supposed to just accept that you can handle yourself when you show up like this?  it’s fucking terrifying to see you like this, mikayla.  ❞     

[manslaught]

she lets out a small groan of annoyance, not necessarily directed at tai, but this entire situation in general — mikayla's grown so accustomed to wounds like this that she forgets most people aren't, so most people are going to be worried, even when mikayla isn't. “ i promise i'm going to be okay, babe. this is nothing, really. ” compared to other things she's gone through, it's not, but maybe that isn't entirely comforting, even if she was able to explain that. there's a reason most demigods don't live past the age of twenty-two, and mikayla's right at the end of the typical life expectancy — but she thinks she's better than that, that she can overcome the odds, because for the first time, she has a reason to outside of just stubborn survival.

a day or two might be a little hopeful, but at most, all of her wounds will be gone by the end of the week. she heals faster than normal people, which is why she's usually able to get away with avoiding tai when she looks like this. “ sorry — did you blackout after i drank that, or are you just in denial? ” it might be easier to let her pretend she didn't see any of her wounds heal, because that means mikayla doesn't have to try to explain any of it. but she can't avoid telling her the truth forever, not when this likely won't be the first time tai sees her in this condition. “ i've never met her. but i know who she is. a lot of people do. ” nerds, mostly, but mikayla doesn't know how to ease into that, especially when she's not sure if tai actually wants to hear it, because once she does, there's no going back. “ because this is normal for me, tai. i tried hiding it from you, because i didn't want you to worry about me but— this is what happens to people like me. ” she says, gesturing toward the gashes in her skin, like they're more of a nuisance than something to be genuinely worried about. “ i can tell you the truth, or you can just trust me. i know how to handle myself. ”

tai rolls her eyes,  because it feels like a ridiculous ask when she looks like this.  it's not like she's not used to this -- she's seen lovers and friends mauled before,  from human or otherwise,  and she'd become accustom to it,  but this is different.  that kind of violence is only supposed to be a thing of the past,  and yet here she is,  sitting before the person she cares about most right now,  watching her in such violent pain.  of course she's worried,  not just for her wellbeing,  but because she can't make sense of this -- and that's terrifying.  mikayla's refusal for any real answer is only making it worse;   tai typically isn't one to push for answers,  but what mikayla is hiding from her is so far beyond anything she can actually imagine.  to tai, the answer seems like it should be simple.    ❝  no, ❞   she huffs.   ❝  not until i know you're okay. ❞   and truthfully -- not until she has any real answer to what happened,  so that she's prepared for whatever may happen again.   

there's something strange going on here,  and tai has been in that place before ---  strange things happening all around her that she can't explain,  watching others as they seem so free from it all,   accepting it just for what it is.  it makes her skin itch,  her hands shake,  and there's a part of her that wants to drop it entirely,  because for some reason,  she has a bad feeling about whatever it is that's really going on   (  and that only makes her feel more ridiculous.  )    ❝  i don't know how the hell you'd recover from this in a day or two,  ❞    she mutters,  doing her best to ignore what she just saw  ---  if it can't be explained,  she doesn't want to think about it.   she gulps, her eyes looking over to hers after a moment,  and a million different possibilities run through her head -- but definitely not the right one.  she wants to tell mikayla she's just being dramatic, but it's hard to mutter those words when she's like this.   ❝  what---  what are you talking about,  your mom?   i thought you never knew her. ❞    or at least, something along those lines;  mikayla had only barely, vaguely mentioned her, not enough for tai to make any assumptions about it herself.   ❝  why are you so worried about me when you're the one fucking bleeding out and fucking--  ❞    she glances back to the place where a wound had healed,  muttering a few more incoherent words before she comes up with nothing.  

[manslaught]

everything was so much easier back when nobody cared about her. at least back then, when she was on the verge of dying, all she had to worry about was herself, not how anyone else would react to it. it's not something she's used to, because the only person that should have cared about her never did, so she'd grown accustomed to being the only one that worried about her wellbeing. to have someone else care, then, is something she has to get used to, but until then, it's almost inconvenient, because she's not sure how to explain herself. “can you just stop worrying so much? i'm not dying.” it's then that she remembers what tai's said before, about how she'd almost gotten her ex killed—mikayla wonders if it looked anything like this, if that's why tai is so stressed. (or it could just be because this isn't something people usually have to deal with, she has to remind herself.)

even with most of her wounds healed, mikayla doesn't feel good enough to argue, too exhausted to put any energy into pushing tai away. “okay, fine.” she grumbles, clearly not happy about giving in, because she's used to relying only on herself for her entire life, but she knows that if the roles were reversed, and tai was the one in this condition, she wouldn't be okay with doing nothing, either. “they just... need to be closed. i'll heal in a day or two.” mikayla doesn't let herself look at tai, focusing on the wounds instead, frowning as she struggles to think of a realistic excuse for them. but there's nothing, other than a wild animal, maybe, but after she just healed within seconds in front of her, maybe it's too late to try for a normal excuse, anyway. “if i tell you what actually happened, you're not going to look at me the same. you're going to think i'm crazy.” or lying, as if that's not what mikayla's been doing since she got here. “or worse. when my sister's dad found out what my mom is, he—he lost it. i don't want that to happen to you.”

 ❝  i don't fucking know!  ❞   she says,  her voice still shaky from the stress.  she doesn't like not having an explanation for something,  but there's a big part of her that's afraid to figure out what happened,  too.   she doesn't want to say what's really on her mind --- that her wounds look terrible,  enough to still put tai on edge about not going to the hospital,  or to anyone who can help the situation better than she can.   ❝  oh my god,  ❞   she mutters with annoyance,  despite her best efforts to try not to take out her frustrations on her,  because obviously,  mikayla's the one hurting the most here.   ❝  stop doing that.  you can't just keep bullshitting me when you show up like this,  ❞    she reminds her.   it’s all too familiar,  she thinks,  but she’s trying with everything not to think about her last girlfriend’s face completely mauled by a wild animal,  or what happened next  (  the assumption that it had to have killed her,  that she was gone —  mikayla’s wounds look like they could have killed her,  too,  and she can’t face that.  ) 

her hand remains in the same position as the flask is taken from her hand,  frozen momentarily as she tries to figure out what’s going on with her.   her eyes travel down her body,  watching as a wound seems to heal   (  she’s seen something like that before,  she thinks — but gradual, over time,  her friends surviving wounds they shouldn’t have in a place that was either tricking them or healing them.  nothing like this.  )  ❝ what the fuck,  ❞   she murmurs again,  because it’s all she can come up with.  her eyes shoot back up at her when she claims she isn’t normal.  all the times she’s said or implied that,  tai wrote it off,  because what else was she supposed to expect — especially given what she herself had been through?  ❝  mikayla,  i’m not going anywhere.  ❞   she’s still desperate to find out what really happened,  but the more mikayla insists on doing it all on her own,  the more unnerved tai becomes.   ❝  just let me help you.  i don’t know what the fuck is going on with you, but—  i’m not going anywhere,  ❞   she repeats.  

[manslaught]

she's had a lot worse than this, but mikayla knows that's not comforting, so she keeps that piece of information to herself. the last thing she wants is for tai to worry about her any time they're apart, like she's constantly on the verge of being attacked—which she is, really, but that's the kind of anxiety mikayla would rather deal with alone. “you think this happened from a fight? who was i fighting, wolverine?” tai doesn't deserve the sarcasm, but mikayla doesn't know any other way to respond, other than just shutting down entirely and refusing to speak. but that's unlike her, and tai deserves some sort of answer, even if it's not a straight one. “i know how to handle it. i lived. it's fine.” there's always a chance that one day, she won't, because she can't always win, but mikayla has the benefit of having spent every waking hour training, up until she decided to come here. deep down, there's a part of her that worries she might get rusty when it comes to fighting, after giving so much of her time to tai, but she gets attacked on a regular enough basis that it shouldn't be a problem. another thing that only sounds comforting to herself.

mikayla only nods numbly, because she can't explain herself any further, can't tell her what it was, because explaining that she got attacked by a greek dragon would take more energy than she has left. “well, it was working before,” she mutters under her breath, still irritated that tai's seen her in this state. not because she doesn't trust her, not even because she doesn't want to look weak in front of her, but because she knows she's going to have to tell tai something about herself, no matter how much she would prefer to avoid it, and she doesn't want tai to look at her any different. she's afraid that once tai knows the truth, she won't be able to look at her the same.

“i don't even drink,” she reminds her, her lips curling in disgust at the thought. mikayla takes the flask a little too quickly, opening it and downing what little liquid remains. it's not enough to fully heal her, but within seconds, the smaller wounds begin to close, all scrapes and bruises fading to nothing, skin stitching itself back together. the puncture in her hand closes, but the gashes on her arm remain, because again, it wasn't enough, but the bleeding stops, at least. mikayla raises her hand to the side of her head, where she'd been bleeding, but she can't even find relief in the wound being closed, because now she has to find a way to fucking explain that. “i told you i wasn't normal.” that's as much of an explanation as she offers, which is almost nothing, but she's afraid of what tai might think if she knew the truth. looking down at the gashes in her arm, she furrows her brows. “you don't have to stitch me up. i can do it myself.” it's what she would have done without her, after all.

tai has seen mikayla hurt before — but nothing like this.  nothing so physical,  something tai can barely handle herself despite all her own incidental training in the wilderness with strange wounds that they shouldn’t have been able to handle themselves.  ❝  well,  i have eyes,  of course i’m fucking worried, ❞   she blurts out,  but she doesn’t catch what she’s implying at first,  her mind working in overdrive as she tries to figure out the best way to take care of her.  it’s moment later when her brows furrow,  and she shoots a look back at her.  ❝  what the fuck are you talking about?  you get in fights like this a lot?  ❞   fights,  because that’s all she can assume.  there’s a part of her that wants to immediately go to wild animal,  but she has to remind herself that surely, that doesn’t make sense.  but nothing really does,  and that’s only going to make tai panic more.

❝ it? ❞   the effort is squashed,  and her jaw clenches as her eyes look back to hers. ❝ no.  if the alternative is just you disappearing again and not telling me you got hurt,  absolutely not. ❞   it seems like that’s already something mikayla’s been doing,  and she hates that.  her head leans back when mikayla tells her no,  and she wants to argue,  because she feels like she can’t do enough for her now,  but she’s distracted by the mention of a gun safe.  eyes widen in confusion,  and she starts to speak,  but the words come out in an incoherent mumble instead.   ❝ mikayla,  ❞   she mutters,  because it doesn’t make sense,  and her shoulders slump in defeat because she knows it’s not the time to argue.  she just has to remember what she’d seen before — how akilah stitched up van’s face in a panic,  how tai couldn’t look away;  she is someone who doesn’t fail,  so hopefully,  she can handle this. 

she huffs,  regretfully pulling away from mikayla to look under the bed. she hurries to put the code in,  still driven by adrenaline and the fear of whatever’s going on with mikayla to let herself question too much as she grabs what’s needed and hurries back to her.  she hands her the flask with a slight hesitation,  the confusion written across her features.  ❝  you don’t really think alcohol’s going to be some miracle cure,  right? ❞   she mutters,  as if it’s so ridiculous,  because of course,  it’s all she can assume.  her hands hurry to get materials ready to stitch her up,  the voice in the back of her head still begging to bring her elsewhere,  but she’s trying.  trying to trust her,  trying to do what’s best for her,  if this really is something she’s experienced before. 

[manslaught]

it is casual, at least for her. she'd known the risk that would come with attending college outside the safe haven of camp; supposedly, those of her parentage were supposed to have a weaker aura, attract less monsters, but her presence has always demanded attention, even to them, apparently. mikayla's eyes squeeze shut as she takes a long, labored breath, her head shaking just barely. “i didn't want you to worry, but—yeah. this is a thing.” a regular thing, which she knows is absolutely going to worry tai, but at least it can explain why she's able to be so calm about this, even when her shirt is soaked in her own blood. “when i wouldn't see you, sometimes—” it would be because of this, patching herself up and waiting to heal until she was presentable again, until her wounds were too faded to be noticeable. it wasn't always because she was trying to run from her feelings.

“i killed it,” she mumbles, too tired to consider how it's sure to only bring up more questions, including the one she doesn't know how to answer—what it was. “you weren't supposed to... see me like this.” she'd known it would scare her, because she'd feel the exact same way if the roles were reverse; this is part of what she'd meant when she told tai she would be afraid of her if she knew the truth, but it feels like an inappropriate time to say i told you so. her head shakes at the mention of a hospital, because it's unnecessary in her eyes. she will heal, even if it might hurt in the meantime. “no. don't—there's a gun safe, under my bed. no gun, but there's shit to stitch me up, and—” her brows furrow as she struggles to remember the last time she'd had to resort to using it. there's still a little bit of nectar left, she remembers, feeling almost stupid for forgetting when it's the entire reason for the safe in the first place—because if her roommate happened to drink it, she'd burst into flames, and mikayla didn't want to deal with that. “there's a flask in it. it'll help. just—trust me.” with a slight wince, mikayla straightens up, her hand moving to cover the one tai has over one of her wounds. “the code's 0010.”

tai stares back at her blankly  (  for the most part,  because the fear is still present in her eyes  )   and lets out a small scoff.   ❝   so---  casual.   like nothing happened.  i mean,  jesus,  mikayla,  this is not nothing.  ❞   it looks bad,  and it has to feel that way,  too.   tai would like to find some comfort in how calm she's being,  given it all,  but it only makes her more concerned.   ❝  before?   what the fuck,  ❞   she blurts before she can force herself to be calmer with her words.   ❝  you're saying---  what,  this happens a lot?  mikayla,  ❞  she mutters more sternly,  too stressed to be too patient with her words.   but despite her blurted words and despite the fear in her eyes,  there's still a softness in them, too.  she cares deeply for her,  and despite how many people she loves have died in front of her,  some with the help of her own hands,  it's scary to look at mikayla now.  all she wants to do is hold her until she has healed --- but right now,  she's starting to panic,  mostly because she doesn't understand what's really going on.

she can tell how tired she is,   and tai's arm is quick to slide around her back to support her weight.     ❝  seriously?  ❞   she mumbles,  because of course she doesn't believe her,  but is she really making jokes right now?   ❝  i'm all for kicking the ass of whatever the fuck did this to you,  but can you at least try to be serious?   mikayla,  you're fucking scaring me.  ❞    her arm holds her a little tighter while the other tries to put pressure on a wound.   she glances over her body and frowns,   her eyes meeting mikayla's again.   ❝ we should--- i should take you to the hospital.  ❞

[manslaught]

tai was never supposed to see her like this—up until now, mikayla's been good at hiding away whenever she's too battered to be around her, pretending she's sick, busy, visiting home, any excuse to keep her from seeing this. her roommate's seen it, because mikayla is usually left with no other choice, but she forces her not to tell anyone, so that doesn't matter. it irritates her, honestly, to have slipped up now, leaving her with no choice but to deal with it and the questions she's sure tai is going to ask, because how could she not? mikayla doesn't want to deal with it—doesn't want her to see her like this, weaker than usual, doesn't want to explain herself, doesn't want tai to question why mikayla isn't as frantic about this as anyone else would be. but she has to, because using charmspeak on her isn't an option, no matter how desperate mikayla might feel.

“like what?” she asks genuinely, because all things considered, mikayla likes to think she's reacting pretty well—probably too well, which might be the problem. “it's fine. i heal fast. i've done it before.” that much is true, as she heals at a much faster rate than normal people. without ambrosia or nectar, the healing is slowed considerably, but she doubts it'll take any longer than a week, no matter how nasty the wounds are. her instincts tell her to keep trying to push tai away, unable to accept help even at times like this, but the butterflies in her stomach at the nickname weaken her resolve. she groans when tai asks the question mikayla had been dreading, her head falling forward to rest on tai's shoulder—both because it's easier not to look at her and because as the adrenaline begins to exit her system, she finds herself growing more and more tired, body begging for rest. “i fell.” it's a joke, because it's too blatantly obvious to be a genuine attempt at a lie, but she doesn't know what else to say. not when she looks like she'd just gotten torn apart by a monster, and the only explanation is because she had. “you wouldn't believe me.”

❝  okay. shut up, ❞ she mumbles, trying to y some kind of calmness in her voice despite the way she's silently freaking out now. she doesn't know what happened to her, she doesn't know how it happened --- and she doesn't know what she's supposed to expect beyond this. all she knows is that she's never seen mikayla like this, and it's terrifying. she's no stranger to danger, to seeing this kind of gore in another ( a lover, even ) but it's no easier, especially here. mikayla acting like she's fine is expected, but it only bothers tai more, because she's trying not to be the one freaking out the most here.

❝  are you always like this when you get hurt? ❞ she asks, her head turning as she lets out a scoff. ❝  no, absolutely not. you are not duct taping yourself back together, mikayla. ❞ her hands are steady as they work to treat her wounds, but they're unlike anything she's ever seen, and she can't help but wonder what's really going on -- something she's dying to ask, but part of her worries that mikayla will only keep deflecting. she frowns, bringing her attention away from a wound and over to her face. her own features soften, and she shakes her head. ❝  baby, you could never look gross, ❞ she speaks softer than the panicked voice she'd been speaking in. ❝  and no way in hell i'm leaving you. are you going to tell me how this happened to you? ❞