#l:venti

[shuaffeine-rkive]

chasing perfection

∘ summary:  Kim Namjoon is the only kid in AP Bio that is smarter than me, and I will make it a point to destroy his perfect record. Prompt from angstprompts (x)  ∘ pairing: namjoon x reader (borderline romance) ∘ genre: MAJOR ANGST, slight fluff, highschool au ∘ word count: 10,418 words ∘ warning: mentions of abuse and alcoholism. please do not read further if you are uncomfortable with both topics.

edit: repost from my old blog with fixes. A/N: I’ve never been more proud of finishing this oneshot :”) The plot has been bugging me throughout this exam weekend, and I couldn’t concentrate on studying without finish it, so here it is! I hope you all enjoy reading this <3 masterlist

For as long as you could remember, the only thing standing between you and the top spot in AP Biology was Kim Namjoon. 

You weren’t sure how he did it, or if it was realistically possible for him to always score maximum points on his assessments, but he did. He was gifted, their teacher had said. Gifted with the talent of an incredibly high IQ, on top of great diligence and the constant hunger for knowledge, he was a model student in the eyes of many teachers. He was always properly dressed, handed his assessments on time with high quality materials that clearly reflected how much thought and effort he had put into them, and had great manners to boot. He was offered a place on the student council numerous times, but he had rejected it as many times. No one knew why he would reject the offer, but perhaps he believed that he had contributed enough to his extensive list of achievements throughout high school. 

You, on the other hand, was just another above average student. You, with your jet black hair and black-rimmed glasses. You, with your above average marks, but did not stand out. You, with your constant effort to be noticed by your teachers to gain recognition for a bit of your hard work. But with Kim Namjoon around, you weren’t above average – you were almost invisible. AP Biology, however, was slightly different. You weren’t just above average, but you were second, a close one at that to the eternal first, Kim Namjoon. It was summer of your senior year that you had finally come to a resolution, one that you intended to accomplish no matter how much you would need to struggle through cups of coffee accompanying late-night studying, or how much of your precious sleep that you would need to sacrifice. Kim Namjoon is the only kid in AP Bio that is smarter than me, and I will make it a point to destroy his perfect record.

For as long as Namjoon could remember, his intelligence was the only thing that he could be proud of.  While he could care less about mere numbers on a report card, perfection – and the strive to attain it – had been drilled into his young mind and grew alongside him. Due to the premature death of his mother in a tragic travel accident, he grew up surrounded by constant fear of his alcoholic father, longing to see his constantly working older brother, Seokjin, who did his best to support their family, and the responsibility to care for his younger brother, Taehyung. He had initially wanted to help his older brother shoulder the financial burden of the family by taking up part time jobs, but Seokjin had banned him from doing so.  “Joon, you can accomplish so much more than these small jobs,” Seokjin had said, a soft smile adorning his face as he ruffled the younger’s hair. “Work hard in school, and you can bring us out of this hell hole. Besides, I need you to take care of Tae while I’m out working as well.” Thus, Namjoon had driven himself beyond what was expected of him to attain what he perceived as perfection. Seokjin trusted in Namjoon’s potential, and it was up to Namjoon himself to develop that potential into greater things. When he was younger, he wished that his life could turn for the better – it would just be him, Seokjin, and Taehyung, living a peaceful life together without the overwhelming smell of alcohol almost permanently present in their living space, without the fear of upsetting their drunk father who could turn violent in a blink of an eye, and most of all, to allow Taehyung – his baby brother Taehyung – to be able to pursue his dreams of becoming a photographer without anything chaining him down. Namjoon knew that he could help them achieve that dream, and he knew that if he worked hard enough, pushed himself harder than the rest of his same-age peers, and sacrificed his adolescence to wish for a better future, that dream would soon turn into the future. Kim Namjoon strove for perfection, because that was the only thing he could do to make his and his brothers’ life less of a nightmare.

“Tae, are you sure you can go to school today?” Seokjin asked the younger, a worried frown etched onto his face as he brought his hand to his brother’s slightly warm forehead. “You’re still not fully recovered from the fever you had last night, and you don’t have any major assessment today, so won’t you stay at home and rest?”

Taehyung shook his head stubbornly, munching on his breakfast toast as he tied his shoelaces, getting ready for another day of studying. “I’m fine hyung. If you’re worried, I’ll skip club activities today and go home early with Namjoon hyung, okay? Besides,” he lowered his voice to a hushed tone, afraid that their conversation could be heard by the senior occupant of the house, “I would rather go to school than stay at home with father the entire day.” Seokjin let out a sigh as he conceded, knowing full well that the youngest’s last sentence was something none of the three brothers could deny. Although the day was still young and they have yet to smell the retched alcohol their father would indulge in every day, they knew that it would come eventually, and the two older siblings knew that Taehyung would be safer at school than home when that time comes.  “I’ll keep an eye on him at school, hyung,” Namjoon assured the eldest with a smile. “Don’t worry about it. Are you working the day at the bar?” A quick nod was sent as a reply. “What time are you getting back?” “Late,” the eldest replied, “I’m taking an extra shift at the bar tonight, so don’t stay up and wait for me.” It was Namjoon’s turn to frown as he pulled Seokjin closer to him, eyes glancing at Taehyung who was still busy with his shoes. “Hyung, this is the third time you’re working late over the span of five days, and even on days you get back early, I know that you stayed up nonetheless doing the accounts. You’re going to overwork yourself at this rate, and I’m worried.” “Don’t worry about me, Joon,” Seokjin smiled tiredly, not wanting to argue with Namjoon as he knew he stood no chance of winning against the younger. “We just need extra funds to cover the upcoming tuition fee dues, I’ll be fine. Besides, the bar is busier as it gets later, and I’ll get more tips than when I work early in the night.” Namjoon opened his mouth to argue, but Taehyung was already done and had approached them so he had no choice but to drop the conversation. There was an unspoken agreement between Namjoon and Seokjin that they would try to not involve their youngest in their troubles. They both wanted Taehyung to grow up without the burden of their constant worries and troubles, but they knew that Taehyung could be too perceptive at times, so they had to put in extra effort to not worry him.  “Is everything alright?” Taehyung blinked innocently, and Seokjin smiled while shaking his head, ruffling his two siblings’ hair before sending them out the door with a ‘get to school before you’re late’. Taehyung hopped out of their humble house, and waved the eldest goodbye before walking with Namjoon towards their high school. It was a fifteen-minute walk to school, and although the two used to take the bus, they decided that they would save the extra few cents of bus fare and walk instead. Besides, Taehyung had said, Namjoon needed the extra workout since he spent so much time indoors studying.  “Seokjin hyung is overworking himself, right?” Taehyung said abruptly, interrupting the silence that had fallen upon the brothers as they walked. “He’s always working and barely at home, and even when he is he wouldn’t rest as well. I know you two don’t want me to worry, but I can’t help but do so – you two are my precious family after all.” Namjoon sighed inwardly, poking the inside of his cheeks with his tongue as he thought about how to reply to Taehyung’s question. Before he could come up with a response, though, they had already neared the school area, and Taehyung could see his best-friend, Jimin, in a distance. The younger quickly bid his brother goodbye, running ahead to catch Jimin before he entered the school campus. “Don’t overdo it today, Tae,” Namjoon managed to call out before Taehyung was out of earshot, to which he replied with a wide smile and a thumbs-up, and proceeded to talk with Jimin. Namjoon smiled fondly at the sight of the two, wishing that Taehyung’s smile would always remain bright. Namjoon was ready to sacrifice anything for the youngest’s future, and he would do anything to make sure that he is always safe and smiling.

You groaned as your alarm blared, the noise ringing constantly as you stretched your arms above your head before moving to massage your stiff neck. You blinked a few times to allow your eyes to adjust to the light, before walking away from your study table to turn the blaring machine off on your bed-side table. You let out a sigh as you glanced at the mess of papers scattered around your table, reminding you of the upcoming test you had studied for the previous night, and you heard a soft knock at your door. “Morning sweetie,” your mother’s head poked in from your doorframe, and she only needed one glance at the skewed glasses sitting on your face and the way your hair seemed to be flatten on your right before she came to a conclusion. “You fell asleep on the table again, didn’t you?” You let out a sheepish smile as confirmation, and your mother could only shake her head at this common occurrence. Sometimes she wondered if you could stop studying for just one day and the good rest you deserved, but alas, she had tried countlessly to convince you to do so, but in vain.  “Breakfast is ready, so come down after you’ve freshened up.” You let out a mixture of a yawn and a response to your mother’s words, walking towards your bathroom to get ready for the day. After showering, you took a quick look on your face and inwardly cringed at the dark circles around your eyes that resulted from the last few nights that you had stayed up until the wee hours of the night to study. You put on extra concealer to brighten up your under-eye and fixed your hair into a bun, giving yourself a one-over before leaving your room. Your parents were already on the dining table, a coffee in your father’s hand and your mother setting down plates of pancakes and scrambled eggs at the centre of the table.  “Morning Dad,” you chirped as you slid onto a chair, taking some pancakes to put on your plate and immediately digging into them, glancing at the clock to check that she still had a few more minutes to spare before needing to head to school. “Morning sweetheart,” your father smiled. “Did you have a good rest?” “She fell asleep on the study table again,” a sigh escaped your mother’s lips. “Please don’t study too hard, sweetie, we know that you’re going to do well on your test again.” “But mom, it’s not just any test,” you whined, “Today’s test is for AP Biology, and I’m so so close to finally breaking Kim Namjoon’s perfect streak. I swore last summer that I will not allow myself to graduate without beating him once, and I’m confident that this test will give me that opportunity.” Your father chuckled at your antics, before taking another sip of his coffee. “Well, if this Kim Namjoon boy is motivating you to study even harder, then there’s nothing wrong with it, I guess,” he said, before receiving a sharp glare from his wife and added, “But don’t overdo it.” You nodded with a smile, finishing the last of your breakfast before wearing your shoes and left the house with a goodbye call to your parents. While your parents had never pressured you to excel academically, you found it in you to do so to not let them down. While your family wasn’t considered poor, you weren’t very well-off either, and you knew that your parents had to work hard to pay for the ever-increasing tuition fee. Thus, you took it upon yourself to push yourself to the limit and make them proud.  The morning passed by in a blur of classes as your focus was always brought back to the upcoming test in the afternoon. To say that you loved biology was an understatement – you had always loved studying about the human body and the world around you, for it was a subject so real and relatable to daily life. It wasn’t like the other sciences where they discussed hypothetical situations; biology discussed life itself. Thus, you had scored the highest in biology out of all your other subjects – but still, you were placed second against Kim Namjoon, the eternal top student. You weren’t sure why you felt compelled to overtake the boy so much, but perhaps it was because he was perfect in all other areas that it made him seem unreal.  It unnerved you, and you didn’t like that feeling. Therefore, you made a promise to yourself that you would at least overtake him once in your high school life, just to gain a sense of accomplishment.  Soon, it was time for the test. You feel your nerves rattling as you stepped inside the classroom, your mind racing as facts about muscles bounced around, and you took deep breaths to calm you down. As expected, the classroom was empty, as there were still ten minutes to go before class began, sans Namjoon, who sat at his usual spot in the middle row by the window, flipping through his notebook filled with writings. You moved to sit at your designated seat, one diagonal of his, and settled there, trying to get yourself comfortable whilst calming your nerves.  You can do this, you thought to yourself, you’ve studied long and hard for this test, and you’re going to ace it. You’ve got this. Following your mental pep talk, students started to file into the classroom, filling the space with chatters of last minute questions and the occasional groan of a student telling his friend to calm down, that failing this test does not directly decide your future. Your teacher, Mrs. Song, had finally walked into the class, and you felt yourself losing the small piece of self-control you had managed to keep for so long, tapping your pen against the surface of your table rapidly out of nervousness. Before she could announce for the class to keep quiet, however, a timid voice came from the door and grabbed her attention.  “Sorry to interrupt, Mrs. Song,” the junior you recognised as Park Jimin said, his face rather pale and he was sweating profusely. “But could I talk to Namjoon hyung for a second, please?” Mrs. Song nodded as Namjoon walked over to the younger boy, confusion etched onto his face. The two stepped out for a moment, and when Namjoon walked back in, his face was visibly paler as his eyes reflected deep worry. A part of you were concerned about the conversation that had passed between the two boys earlier, but as Mrs. Song soon told the class to settle down as they were about to begin their test, you pushed your worries towards the back of your mind, and focused on the test instead. 

Namjoon knew that he screwed up the test. Throughout the entire hour, it was as if his body was working on autopilot as his mind wandered elsewhere. He replayed the entire conversation with Jimin numerous times in his head, and despite his best attempts to focus on the task at hand, it was Jimin’s voice that returned to invade his mind. “Hyung, I’m really sorry to disturb you, but,” Jimin started, his eyes nervously darting around as he fiddled with his fingers, trying to avoid Namjoon’s eyes, “Taehyung fainted in gym class earlier.” Namjoon swore that his heart stopped at Jimin’s words, and he could barely stop himself from spitting questions at the younger boy. He felt his blood run cold as he could only whisper out a small, “What happened?” “We were just playing basketball, and he suddenly fainted. I brought him to the infirmary and the nurse said that it’s a fever,” Jimin continued, biting his lip lightly. “She wanted to send him home, but he insisted to wait for you to finish class, so we relented. I just thought I should inform you first.” Namjoon let out a shaky breath, leaning against the wall slightly as he felt light-headed. Worried thoughts were running through his mind, and he felt a strong sense of dread settle on him as he felt responsible for not remembering that Taehyung had gym today, or even warning Jimin to not let him overwork himself because he wasn’t completely fit yet. He looked back towards Jimin, the younger obviously anxious to be bearing such news to the elder, and Namjoon softened at his timid posture, placing a hand on his shoulder as assurance. “It’s okay Jimin, you didn’t know that he wasn’t feeling well today. It’s not your fault, so don’t feel too pressured about that, alright? I have to get back to class, so you should too.” Namjoon could not shake the heavy feeling of responsibility away as he finished his test, and was glad that biology was the last class that he had for the day. The moment Mrs. Song dismissed them from class, Namjoon was already out of his seat, ignoring the curious glances his classmates spared him as he would usually take the time to engage the teacher in light conversation, rushing towards the infirmary. He knocked lightly on the door before entering, greeting the school nurse with a polite nod and walked towards the bed where Taehyung was currently resting. The younger boy was sleeping, but his breaths were heavy and could be heard. Namjoon gently sat on the side of the bed, his hand touching the younger’s warm forehead, and a shudder ran through Taehyung’s body before his eyes fluttered open, looking up to find Namjoon’s worried face staring back at him.  “Joonie hyung?” Taehyung croaked out, coughing lightly to clear his throat, but it soon turned into a coughing fit and Namjoon rushed to open a bottle of water for his brother to drink. “Jin hyung will get mad, you know,” Namjoon sighed, his heart aching as he took in Taehyung’s pale complexion and the heat emanating from his body. “You’re worried about him overworking himself, but you are doing so too, Tae.” “I know,” Taehyung pouted, eyes downcast with regret as he had added another worry on top of his brothers’ already growing pile. “I’m sorry.” Namjoon let out another sigh and ruffled the youngest’s hair softly, smiling lightly as he help him stand up. “It’s okay. Let’s get you home so you could rest more, okay?” Taehyung nodded silently as he leaned into Namjoon’s support, willing himself to walk properly despite his weakened body. The two brothers thanked the nurse, then slowly made their way home, and it took all of Taehyung’s willpower to not collapse on their walk. By the time they had reached home, Namjoon tucked the immediately knocked-out Taehyung in bed whilst scouring the medicine box for some anti-fever medicine. He contemplated asking Seokjin about how to tend to the sick boy, but decided against it lest the eldest would get overly worked up and even more stressed. Namjoon checked the house for their father’s presence, and upon finding him gone, decided that it was alright for him to leave to buy some food and medicine at a restaurant nearby. 

Namjoon was so preoccupied with taking care of Taehyung that his biology test slipped from his mind, which was why he was startled when Mrs. Song walked in the next day with a pile of papers in her hands. He was sitting in his corner of the classroom, lightly massaging his temples as exhaustion washed over him for he had stayed up the entire night trying to lower Taehyung’s fever. When Seokjin came home a few hours before dawn, he was surprised to find Namjoon still awake, carrying a bowl of water and a towel into the bedroom the three brothers shared. It didn’t take him long to figure out that Taehyung’s fever had gone up again, and the eldest immediately took over Namjoon’s job while forcing him to go to bed as he still had school in the morning. Thankfully, Seokjin did not have work during the day, thus allowing him to force Taehyung to stay at home whilst he looked after him.  Mrs. Song clapped once to silence the class, and as last of the students settled into their seats, she began to address the entire class, “As you all know and appreciate that I am a fast marker,” a collective groan erupted across the classroom, “I’m done marking your tests from yesterday. Step forward to collect your paper when I call your name.” You were nervous, but also excited as Mrs. Song began to call out names. You had put in your utmost best into this test, and you hoped that you could finally tick one of the goals you wanted to accomplish before graduating. As name after names were called, your ears perked when you heard a name you had been waiting for. “Kim Namjoon.” Namjoon stood up to walk to the front, his expression unreadable, but you could see him biting down the side of his lips lightly. Mrs. Song took a glance at his paper, before turning to face him, “It came to me as a surprise that you made a mistake in some of the easier questions, but you can’t always be perfect all the time. Keep up the good work, Namjoon.” You couldn’t stop the excitement bubbling within you as your brain processed Mrs. Song’s words – the perfect Kim Namjoon has finally shown his human side and made a mistake in his test. This was your chance to finally beat him out of the top spot, and had you were not so caught up in your own anticipation, you would have noticed that he had bit into his lips harder he swore he could draw blood, his complexion paling a few shades as he settled into his seat uncertainly. His head was downcast and his fringe covered his eyes such that no one could see them, but they were fixed on the foreign mark on the top corner, his hands trembling lightly as he clutched the paper tightly in his hands.  “Y/f/n.”  You tried to stay calm as you walked towards Mrs. Song, trying to contain the excitement bubbling within you as you felt your heart beating so quickly you feared that it would burst. Mrs. Song smiled as you approached her, handing over your paper with joy reflected in her eyes, “Congratulations on the full score, y/n. You obtained the highest score in the grade, keep up the good work.” You could hardly hear the rest of her words as your eyes scanned your paper over and over again, making sure that it wasn’t a figment of your imagination. You let out a wide smile in joy as you walked back to your seat, careful not to skip despite every fibre in your body wanting to do so. You spare a glance back at Namjoon, finding him staring out the window with unreadable eyes. You did not think much of it, and went back to paying attention to Mrs. Song as she started a new chapter of the course.  If only you had paid Namjoon more attention, you could see the inner turmoil reflected in his eyes as his hands trembled in his lap, and disappointment in himself ran through his blood, rendering him unable to think of anything but one thought.  You’ve lost the one thing you could had control over – perfection. What can you do now, Kim Namjoon?

Namjoon went home with a heavy heart, and an even heavier conscience. While he had expected the outcome, it still came to him like a hard slap to the face. He blamed himself for his lack of concentration – he should know better than to lose his cool over such sudden news, even if it involved Taehyung. He knew that should his brothers knew how much he was blaming himself for such a mistake, they would scold him and tell him that it’s alright to make mistakes. But Namjoon didn’t want such consolation; no, he wanted someone to scold him, get angry at him, for making such a stupid mistake. He didn’t want someone to tell him that he did alright and there was always another chance to make up for it next time, but someone to berate him for his carelessness, edging him on to reach further in towards the perfection in his mind. While a rational side of his mind was pleading for him to not take the matter in such graveness, his emotional side was ravaging, cutting him with hurtful words on how he had failed, and how much he should be disappointed in himself. The middle sibling had just entered through the doors of their humble home when Seokjin walked towards the exit, dressed in his work clothes, ready to head out for the night. “Tae’s asleep,” the elder said before he stepped out. “Dinner’s in the fridge, so heat it up later, alright? I’ll be back at around midnight. Also,” Seokjin stepped closer to the younger, lowering his tone, “Father is home, and last I saw him, he was at the backyard, possibly drinking. Be careful, and call me if anything happens, alright?” Namjoon could only nod at his brother, giving him a weak smile as he left the house. Namjoon walked quietly towards their room, glancing around warily as he wished that he wouldn’t have to cross paths with his father. He succeeded in doing so, and dropped his bag near the study table at the corner of the room, before walking towards the sleeping Taehyung and felt his temperature, which had thankfully gone down significantly. Namjoon allowed himself to smile, and went out of the room to grab himself a glass of water. What he didn’t expect, was a familiar voice calling out his name as he was crossing the living room towards the kitchen.  “Yah, Namjoon-ah.” Namjoon flinched when he heard his father’s voice, his words slurred and the air suddenly smelled strongly of alcohol. He could hear his heart, pounding harder by the second, in his ears, and he felt fear run through his blood as he tried to tell himself to calm down, but could not as he turned to face his father. People said that the Namjoon resembled the man the most out of the three siblings, the other two taking after their late mother, but as Namjoon faced him, he could not see any similarities between their appearances. In contrast to Namjoon’s warm, brown eyes, his father had cold, sharp and dull eyes ever since the accident that killed his wife many years ago. His face traced out wrinkled lines reflecting his age, and his hair was rather long and unkempt, in contrast to Namjoon’s neat and youthful appearance.  “Yes, father?” Namjoon was glad that his voice came out smooth and steady. The last thing he wanted to do was have his father pick up on his anxiety and use it to his advantage, and he tried to meet his father’s harsh eyes without flinching. “My son, it’s been too long since we last talked,” his father slurred, walking across the living room to stand near the frozen Namjoon, moving his arms in exaggerated motions as if he was trying to ask the younger to move closer to him. “Tell me, how was school? Are you still the top student in all your classes?” Panic settled itself into Namjoon’s being as his brain short-circuited, rendering him unable to come up with a quick response to the question. He mind ran around in circles, trying to find an acceptable solution to get out of this mess, but alas, he could not find one. His panic must have reached his eyes, because his father narrowed his eyes into a glare that sent chills down his son’s back, his lips spitting venom. “You dropped in the ranks, didn’t you?” Namjoon barely had time to prepare himself before a searing pain erupted from the left side of his scalp, and soon he found himself being thrown down towards the wooden floor of their home, his head colliding painfully with the hard material as orange sparks danced before his eyes, causing him to let out a painful groan. He had only blinked when his father kicked his abdomen abruptly, causing him to let out an involuntary shout of pain while he curled into a ball, trying to shield the area where pain had started to spread from the sheer force of the kick whilst whimpering softly.  “You worthless child, you had one job, and you can’t even do it properly?” his father spat, his eyes clouded over from both the effects of alcohol and rage. “At least Seokjin can work and make money and Taehyung can do other arts well, but what can you do, huh? Apart from studying what can you do, other than leech resources from us, you piece of trash? Can’t you even be useful for once?” As his father continued kicking Namjoon’s increasingly battered body, he could only focus on trying to breathe in short gasps, black spots dancing before his eyes. He felt pain all over his body, one so intense he could not concentrate on anything else, and he choked on his own breath, coughing painfully.  “Maybe I should teach you a lesson,” his father sneered at the boy writhing on the floor beneath him, struggling to ride out the pain. “Where is Taehyung? I should beat him too for you to learn your lesson to never slack off again.”  Namjoon jolted, fear evident in his eyes as he scrambled into kneeling position before his father, ignoring the pain from his lower body. “P-please don’t, not Taehyung, please he didn’t do anything. If you want to punish me, feel free to do so, I know I did wrong and I swear it will never happen again.” There was a moment of silence as all Namjoon could hear was his heart beating frantically from fear. He would never forgive himself if anything happened to Taehyung because of his mistake, and thus, while he was caught off-guard when his father suddenly slapped him hard, he was glad that Taehyung was at least out of his father’s target list. As another set of kicks found its way to Namjoon’s body, he could barely curl up on the floor to protect himself from further harm, the black spot clouding his eyes growing with each blow against his bruised body. “That should teach you to work harder, brat,” his father said venomously, and with one last piercing kick to his ribs, Namjoon surrendered to the growing darkness and blacked out. 

Taehyung woke with a start, frantically looking around him to pinpoint the source of the yell that had woken him from his sleep. As he held his breath to strain his ears even further, he heard another yell of pain from the living room, his blood running cold as he recognised the voice as Namjoon’s. He had a rough idea of what could be happening outside, and immediately bolted towards the door, but as his hands reached for the door knob, he heard Namjoon’s pleading voice, a voice so hoarse and broken, laced with desperation. “P-please don’t, not Taehyung, please he didn’t do anything. If you want to punish me, feel free to do so, I know I did wrong and I swear it will never happen again.” Taehyung froze in his position, his mind going blank as a few moments passed in silence before a loud slap caused him to flinch and snap him out of his blanked state. He knew that he had to step out to intervene before the damage to his brother could get more severe, but Namjoon’s plead earlier rang in his head repeatedly. He assumed that his father must have threatened his safety somehow, and thus, if he had rushed out to save Namjoon this moment, he could possibly do more harm than good. Despite his old age, their father was easily stronger than the siblings, especially when drunk. With a heavy heart and tears streaming down his face, Taehyung had no choice but to stay inside his room, sinking to sitting with the door on his back, covering his ears in an attempt to muffle the pained screams from outside. Alas, Namjoon’s voice pierced through the cold air, Taehyung flinching in time with the screams.   After a while, Namjoon’s voice was gone, accompanied by the slamming of the front door merely moments later. Taehyung shakily stood up, carefully opening the door, and once he peeked out and made sure that his father was gone, he bolted towards Namjoon who was curled up on the floor, his breathing laboured as dark bruises started to appear on his skin. Taehyung bit back tears as he tried to shake his brother without adding to the damage, but upon receiving no response, the youngest child hoisted the elder’s limp body onto his back, bringing him back to the room and gently laying him on the bed. He then scoured for his phone, shakily dialling the number he knew by heart.  “Taehyung? What’s wrong?” Seokjin’s voice came from the other side of the line, worry laced in his tone as Taehyung tried to stop sniffling to be able to answer him properly. “Hyung, it’s Joonie hyung …”

Namjoon groaned as he felt his consciousness gather, cracking his eyes open slowly as he adjusted to the light streaming into the room. Memories from the previous day rushed into his mind, leaving behind a trail of goosebumps and he wondered how he had gotten back to their bedroom. He shifted his weight uncomfortably, wincing as pain shot through his body with every movement that he made, and was about to push off the bed into sitting position when he felt a gentle hand push him back towards the comfort of the bed. He lifted his eyes to stare into Seokjin’s anxious ones, and he flinched from the guilt evident in them. “Hey, don’t push yourself, you’re hurt pretty bad,” Seokjin whispered, sitting on the side of the bed while stroking Namjoon’s head fondly, and the younger unconsciously leant into his touch. “You were unconscious for so long you had me and Taehyung worried out of our wits. Can you tell me what happened?” “Father,” Namjoon replied, his throat parched such that his voice came out like a nail scratching on a blackboard. “He was drunk, as always. Where’s Taehyung?” Seokjin nodded towards the bed on the far end of the room, his eyes scanning the youngest boy curled up in his bed, tear streaks evident on his cheeks. “Sleeping. He was crying pretty badly and wouldn’t rest until you woke up, but I managed to force him to sleep. He has school today, after all.” Namjoon let out a sigh as guilt bubbled inside him. He had made his brothers worry again, especially Taehyung. He hoped that the youngest had not overheard the exchange between their father and him, lest he felt guilt over not being able to stop the chain of events. Namjoon would do anything to keep his brothers safe, even if it meant that he was going to get hurt.  “I need to start getting ready too, I also have school today,” Namjoon struggled to raise his head, propelling his aching body upwards into sitting position whilst putting the intense pain at the back of his mind.  “Kim Namjoon, don’t you dare,” Seokjin hissed, placing a hand on the younger’s back to steady him. “You are in no condition to go to school today, and I am forbidding you from doing so.” “But I can’t, hyung – I can’t afford to miss school,” Namjoon pleaded, his voice breaking towards the end. “I can’t afford to fall behind in classes, I can’t just miss classes like that or it’ll just edge father even more and put you two in danger –” “Namjoon, slow down,” Seokjin hushed the panicked boy, his heart turning into lead as all the gears clicked into place in his mind. “Did something happen in school that you haven’t told me yet?” Namjoon bit his lip and hug his head in shame, and that was more than enough confirmation for the older male. Seokjin let out a sad smile, bringing his arms around the younger’s body gently, afraid that he would do more harm than comfort. While the younger flinched when Seokjin first hugged him, Namjoon eventually leant into his brother’s embrace, relishing in the comfort despite his screaming back. Seokjin took this as a sign to tighten his hold on him, stroking his head lightly like he was calming down a child – one whose body was scattered with bruises and shaking in his hold, biting down on his lip as guilt washed over his entire being.  “It’s okay, Joonie,” Seokjin rarely called the younger with his pet name, because Namjoon had insisted for him not to. Namjoon felt that the nickname made him appear child-like and immature, when all he needed was to be the opposite – to be another pillar of this household that Seokjin could trust and count on. Thus, the older only used the nickname when he wanted Namjoon to let loose, to revert back to the teenage boy he was supposed to be, free from the burdens of the adult world that he had taken up before he was supposed to. “It’s okay, I understand – you’re human too. You can make mistakes, you don’t have to be perfect. You being you, is all that I can ask for.” But Seokjin did not understand. Namjoon only had his mind, that was the only thing he was ever praised for. He was clumsy, had no talent in sports or arts. If he did not sharpen it to perfection, could he ever bring them out of this hellhole? Could he ever make his dream of Seokjin working normal hours without worrying about the heavy burden of financially supporting the household a reality? Could he ever make his dream of Taehyung pursuing his dreams of becoming a photographer a reality? No, Namjoon thought to himself, they will never become reality if I don’t try harder, if I don’t study harder, succeed in the world of academia and help support this family.  Thus, I need to chase after perfection until it is no longer a mirage, but a reality.

As you entered the classroom that day, you were surprised to find Kim Namjoon’s seat empty. You blinked numerous times, even rubbed your knuckles against your eyes to make sure that you were seeing things right. Alas, Namjoon still did not show up in your view, and not when the rest of the students filed into the room with Mrs. Song in tow.  “Alright class, let’s get started,” Mrs. Song clapped to get the students’ attention, “Namjoon won’t be joining us in class today, but let’s move on to more important things.” You unconsciously frowned at her words, turning to gaze at the empty table diagonally across yours. It felt foreign to see it unoccupied with the usual male who would always have a pen in his hand, a notebook open on the table before him whilst his gaze was completely fixed on the teacher. How you remembered his movements in such detail unnerved you, but you could not help the bubble of worry rising from within.  “As you all know, you will be required to complete a project worth fifteen percent of your final grade for this subject,” Mrs. Song started, earning a chorus of groans across the class whilst snapping your attention back to her. “For seniors, you will be required to present an original research paper by the end of the term on any topic related to the cardiovascular system. You are allowed to draw ideas from research papers and articles on the internet, but not Wikipedia. You will be doing this project in pairs, but,” Mrs. Song raised her tone against the cheers that erupted towards the back of the room where people have already made eye contact with one another to call dibs on partners, “you are not going to choose your partners. It will be done by lottery, and once a name has been drawn, it is final. “Y/n, since you scored the highest in the previous test, you may draw a name first,” Mrs. Song smiled in your direction, and you gulped at the sudden attention you are receiving. You could feel the stares of many of your classmates, their eyes bearing their hopes of being partnered up with you for an easy way out of this project. You silently hoped that you could get a decent partner, just so that you would not need to suffer through working on this project alone. You slowly stood up and walked towards the pile of papers containing the students’ names on top of the teacher’s table, and hesitantly grabbed one at random. You could feel your heart beating wildly out of anxiety as you peeled the paper open, and when your eyes fell upon the name written on it, you felt both senses of relief and dread replacing the anxiety. You wondered if this was some sort of divine joke, that a coincidence like this should happen. Mrs. Song, on the other hand, smiled widely upon looking at the paper between your fingers, anticipating great works from the two of you. After all, your partner was Kim Namjoon.

That night, you could hardly sleep as your mind wandered back to the upcoming project. Prospective ideas about what you could research on ran through your mind, ideas bouncing off the walls of your brain, begging to be attended to. However, you were more concerned about the fact that your partner didn’t show up in school today. From as far back as you could remember, you had been sharing classes with Namjoon since your freshman years, but not once did he miss school. It worried you that he had suddenly disappeared, especially since it was a day after you had finally broken his streak of placing first. To make matters worse, you had tried to obtain his contact number from the people in your class, but none of them had it. You had also attempted to approach his younger brother, Kim Taehyung, who was your junior by a year, but he had already left when you finally figured out which class he was in. Frustrated by your lack of method to contact him about the project, you could only hope that he would come to school the next day. While you did not have to compare your results to Namjoon as he was your partner, you still felt compelled to complete this project well and quickly, as you knew how busy things could get towards the end of the term. You almost let out a huge sigh in relief when you walked into your AP Bio classroom the next day to find Namjoon sitting on his usual seat, a dark blazer worn over his uniform as he took out his materials for the class. You noticed that he was rather slouched, in contrast to the usual straight position he always sat in, and you berated yourself for noticing such tiny details about him. Kim Namjoon was just a rival in your class, you tried to tell yourself – nothing more, nothing less. You approached Namjoon’s table and cleared your throat to gain his attention, and his head immediately snapped up to face you, giving you a direct view of the eyebags under his eyes and the exhausted gleam in his eyes. You feigned ignorance as you started explaining to him the details about the project announced the previous day. “Basically, you’re my partner,” you explained, to which he nodded, “and I would really appreciate it if we could wrap this up quickly before things get busier at the end of the term.”  “I agree,” he nodded at your words, a small smile grazing his lips as his eyes never broke contact with yours. “The sooner we finish this, the better. Would you like to head to the library after class today to get started on it?” “Sure,” you returned his smile with your own, a light feeling washing over you as you agreed to his proposition, before walking back towards your seat. “I’ll see you after class, then.” Throughout class, you could only look forward to meeting Namjoon afterwards, and you tried your hardest to concentrate on Mrs. Song’s words. You snuck a few glances over at Namjoon, frowning when his body seem to jerk at some moments, his face scrunching up into a look of pain before he smoothened his expression and went back to paying attention to the material delivered. You wondered why there was an unsettling feeling residing in you as you continued sneaking looks at him, observing him throughout the entire period before the bell rang, and you gathered your things to walk towards the library with him.  If you weren’t so perceptive of tiny details, you wouldn’t have noticed the way he was lightly limping on your walk towards the library. He continued to talk to you about some ideas he had for the project, and you tried to focus on his words instead. By the time you had reached the library, the two of you had already decided on the topic, and while you went online on your laptop to search for materials you could reference, Namjoon went around to find some books to get started.  The two of you worked quietly on finding materials on how caffeine affected the cardiovascular system in detail, sans several questions you asked him when you didn’t understand certain terminologies or concepts. You were amazed on how much he knew about these advanced terms, and you felt a growing admiration for your partner and how much effort he had put into studying. It was no wonder that he had managed to keep up his reputation as the top student in their grade for so long, and when you mentioned this to him, he blushed and laughed sheepishly, his eyes disappearing into crescents as dimples formed on both sides of his mouth.  “I’m not good at anything else except for studying, so,” Namjoon lifted his arm to scratch his head out of shyness of your sudden compliment, “figured I should at least perfect it, if anything.” You had almost forgotten your mini observations throughout the day, when a dark purple bruise peeked out from under his sleeves and caught your eyes. Your hand shot out in reflex, grabbing his arm in alarm and concern of what you had seen. You must have exerted too much force in your palm, because Namjoon let out an involuntary yelp of pain, immediately taking his arm out of your hands and cradling it close to him.  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you,” you quickly apologised, watching the way his smile morphed into a thin line, his eyes avoiding contact with you. “Namjoon, that was one nasty bruise on your arm. What happened?” “I fell,” Namjoon tried to give an excuse, albeit cliched and he knew that you wouldn’t buy it. He could tell so from the way you raised an eyebrow, staring at him incredulously while he refused to meet your gaze. “It’s no big deal, let’s get back to work.” A heavy silence fell upon you two as you forced yourself to put your curiosities aside, yet could not help but look over to the male once in a while. He was engrossed with finishing his work, so you decided to do the same. Two hours passed in silence, before you heard another person approaching the table you two were working at. “Joonie hyung?” came a male voice from behind you, and you turned to face Taehyung, whom you recognised as Namjoon’s brother. You silently noted the way Namjoon immediately turned to face him, his eyes softening as his gaze fell upon the younger male and a warm smile made its way to his face.  “Hey Tae, you’re done for today?” Taehyung nodded, doe eyes glancing over to you in a silent question. Namjoon took the liberty of introducing yourself, and you nodded politely at the younger Kim with a greeting smile.  “Sorry y/n, I’ll be heading back first. Speaking of which, could I get your number?” Namjoon said, fishing out his phone from his pocket whilst quickly adding, “For this project’s purpose, of course.” Namjoon shot a glare at Taehyung who was smirking in the background, and you chuckled at their sibling dynamics. As an only child, you had always found sibling interactions adorable, but Namjoon and his brother’s relationship appeared so pure that you found their relationship beyond the definition of adorable. You quickly typed your number into his phone, and soon he got up to leave with Taehyung, who smiled widely and waved you goodbye. You laughed and waved back at him, eyes following the two brothers as you could see Taehyung with mischief twinkling in his eyes, seemingly teasing Namjoon about his motives of obtaining your number whilst Namjoon just sighed helplessly, pretending to ignore him but a smile was still on his face whilst he looked at the younger. You felt as if Namjoon had turned into a different person with Taehyung around – he was no longer that disciplined model student he was most of the time, but instead appeared to be just a teenager their age. Although you were still troubled by the apparent bruises on his arm, you could not help but feel at peace whilst watching the two males interact, and you could only hope that things were peaceful for them for long. 

Namjoon groaned inaudibly as he woke up the next morning, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. He could hear Taehyung soft snores from the other side of the room, and quietly stretched out his limbs as he got out of bed, careful not to wake Seokjin who was still knocked out in the bed adjacent to his. As he went to shower, he could still feel the ache all over his body, although it was much more bearable than the previous day. His mind wandered to the moment when your eyes had caught the bruises on his arm, and the worried look on your face. He didn’t mean to perplex you, or anyone for that matter, which was why he had worn a blazer to school that day. He also tried to hold in the pain that came with walking and moving in general as he was not fully recovered yet, but had gone against Seokjin’s wishes and forced himself to go to school. Deep down, he hoped that you wouldn’t bring up the matter again, as he didn’t want to have to explain himself and his whole life, much less burden someone else with the burden that comes with the knowledge. He was rather surprised when he walked towards his locker early morning, and found a small envelope slipped inside. The envelope had a polaroid and a note, and he grabbed the note first to scan the writing on it.  “I don’t know what you’re going through, but I hope that you stay strong regardless. Fighting! –y/n.” A smile grazed his lips as he took the polaroid in his hand. It was blank, sans for the words ‘stay strong’ written in sharpie in the centre, and he recognised it as your handwriting. He looked around just in time to catch you peeking your head out from behind another row of lockers, looking at him as he was reading the things you left him, and upon realising that he was looking in your direction, you quickly turned and walked in the other direction, leaving him to chuckle at your antics and a warm feeling spreading through him. He shook his head to clear his mind from thoughts of how cute you were acting, and slipped the polaroid into his wallet. Grabbing his books for the next class, he walked towards his classroom with a soft smile on his face. 

The next few weeks passed by in a blur as you busied yourself with the research project on top of other assignments from various classes. Ever since the little polaroid gift, the two of you never brought up his bruises again, and you were rather happy that he had appeared to recover well as days passed. Instead, the two of you got closer as you spent more days researching, planning, and presenting your research in essay format, spending more time together in the library until late into the evening. You would often see Taehyung as well, the younger sometimes keeping you two company as you worked, often bringing some snacks and refreshments with him.  You learned more about who Namjoon was as a person as well. You learned that he had another older brother who was working, and that he loved reading books. You also shared your interest in biology and your future goals of becoming a doctor with him, and learned that he was considering doing psychology in the future amongst other aspirations he had. You learned that behind the façade of the perfectly calm and controlled Namjoon that he projected in daily life, was a boy filled with what you deemed unrealistic expectations for himself to attain what he perceived as perfection, sometimes pushing himself beyond normal limits. While he never mentioned his family beyond his siblings, you could guess that his upbringing played a significant role in shaping his character that way, and your suspicions were confirmed when you finally talked to Taehyung about it. “Joonie hyung has always been like that,” Taehyung smiled sadly in response to your question. You were at the library, in the final stages of editing your project while Namjoon was out running an errand for another teacher, and Taehyung came to keep you company instead. “Since we were young, he stood out amongst us as really smart, and eventually he pressured himself to always do the absolute best to not disappoint the expectations that came with that status. Jinnie hyung and I always told him that what he did was good enough, but he was never satisfied, always chasing after that perfection in his mind.  “It was really scary, at first, when I saw how much pressure he put himself under,” Taehyung continued, his eyes glossing over as he recalled the nights where Namjoon was teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown, and no matter how much he and Seokjin had tried to ground him, he still refused to come down. “He could forget any and everything when he would be so concentrated on studying. But these days, I noticed that he seemed to have let loose a bit more, and perhaps that’s because of y/n noona as well.” “Me?” you stared at him in shock, “I didn’t do anything, Taehyung.” “Maybe consciously, you didn’t,” Taehyung smiled at you, “But I can see that he trusts you, and that he can rely on you to take on some of his burdens. You ground him, bring him back to reality that we all know, and yet still encourage him to push himself in a healthier way. Ever since you two became friends, I can see that he smiles more often, holds himself together properly and while he did not lose that ambition that he has for perfection, he begins to accept that maybe, there are good sides to being imperfect as well. “And for that, I can only thank you.”

Months passed by as the academic year seemed to zoom past the terms and soon, you found yourself in the last day of your senior year, ready to graduate with the rest of your peers. While the project had gone exceptionally well, with you and Namjoon obtaining the highest mark to no one’s surprise, and had brought about a great boost in your overall marks, it marked the start of a friendship you now treasured deeply. After the project was over, you still kept close contact with Namjoon as you would often study together in the library, or go out for coffee during the weekends. You kept Taehyung’s words in your heart, and you started to notice the changes he had mentioned. You noticed that Namjoon, whom you used to always see wearing a blank expression, had started wearing his dimpled smiles more often, his features visibly brighter as his spirit was too. You were content with the notion that you were partly the reason for his change, and you started to dread the impending graduation where you would have to leave high school life behind.  At the start of senior year, you had made a promise to yourself – to work your hardest and beat your ‘rival’ at long last. Little did you know, that a year could bring so many changes to your life – and others – whether it be the unexpected friendship between you and Namjoon or the fact that you, after a whole year of tutoring sessions from Namjoon, could graduate within the top tenth percentile of the batch and was accepted in prestigious universities across the country. However, some of these changes were less joyful than the rest, as you would be separated from your friends and family, venturing beyond the school world and taking a step closer to the adult one.  As the graduation ceremony came to a close, you stood with your parents on either side, both of them proud of what you had accomplished throughout your schooling years. As you spotted Namjoon’s blob of hair amongst at least a hundred other heads in the crowd, you immediately rushed to his side, leaving your parents with a rushed sentence of where you were heading. Taehyung was also in attendance, and had noticed you first whilst you were still manoeuvring your way through the sea of people, excitedly waving you over. Beside him stood another man resembling him, and you assumed that it was their eldest brother, Seokjin, that you had only heard stories about, but never actually met in person.  “Y/n noona!” Taehyung jumped to hug you tightly, squeezing the breath out of you, “Congratulations on graduating!” “Thanks Tae,” you returned the gesture with a laugh, before pulling back and greeting Seokjin, who was looking at you with an odd gleam in his eye.  “So this is the infamous y/n,” Seokjin chuckled, dragging Taehyung away from you before he could suffocate you with his hug, “Sorry it took us this long to meet in person. Thank you for being such a good friend to Namjoon and Taehyung.” “It’s my pleasure,” you chimed back, before placing a hand on Namjoon’s arm, “Do you mind if I borrow him for a second, though?” The moment you finished your sentence, Seokjin was already dragging Taehyung away from the pair of you, half-shouting that he wouldn’t want to disturb the moment between you guys, causing Namjoon to blush and wave him off. You laughed at his flustered expression, seemingly embarrassed of how his brother was acting, but you could see from his eyes that he loved them regardless.  “Congrats on graduating y/n,” Namjoon started, shifting his attention back to you. “Seems like yesterday that we had just started that research project, and now we are already at the end of our high school life.” “Yeah,” you agreed, smiling fondly as you recalled the memories from the earlier terms. “Can’t believe it’s all over already.” “You know, y/n, I never thanked you for everything,” Namjoon said abruptly, catching you off-guard as his eyes found yours, staring into them with an intensity that made you weak. “For being such a good partner and friend, for helping me throughout all those down moments I had. For never pushing me to tell you things, and for lending an attentive ear and input when I shared. This year had been so much better than any other years of my life because you were there.” “I must thank you too, Namjoon,” you smiled back at him, reaching out to hold his hand in yours. “Without your help, I wouldn’t have made it to Seoul Medical, so thank you for that. “I know that it’s going to be hard to keep in contact, with us being in different universities and all,” you continued, returning his gaze with your own intense one, and you felt yourself being drawn to his brown orbs. “But I hope that you remember this: even if you’re not perfect, you’re limited edition. Being perfect is not the key to happiness, but if you live everyday earnestly, then even if you make mistakes, you won’t feel regret – and that is what happiness truly is.” A moment passed in silence as the two of you continued gazing into each other’s eyes, and you noted that his were starting to get glossy with tears he tried to hold back. You stepped closer to him, and he wrapped his arms around you, your own arms going around his waist in a tight hug. You felt safe in his arms – relishing the warmth radiating from him as you closed your eyes to prevent the tears that pricked the edges of your eyes from falling. You felt his chest rumble beneath your ears as he started to speak again. “Thank you, y/n. Promise me you’ll keep in touch?” “I promise.”