#kulemiirl

[kulemii]

got my first day of training at the new job tomorrow 😬 nervous

[kulemii]

doc says she'll help me go on a leave but this is the 'last time' babe idc! I could kiss your heart rn!!!!

ALSO INTERVIEW TODAY!!!! WISH ME LUCK!!!!

[kulemii]

i cant stop thinking about this phone call i had earlier lmaooo

me: i've actually been hallucinating a good bit lately

cris: oh. that's not good

me: no, no! dont worry. it's nothing like before. it's like a normal amount. just like peripheral stuff.

cris: a normal amount is none

me: oh.. right

LMAO sometimes i forget. i feel like if the hallucinations aren't super vivid and front and center I'm like, This is Fine ^-^

[kulemii]

sometimes i kinda spiral thinking about how many people's cameras i wind up on every day. it makes me so uncomfortable. what if i end up on some weirdo's camera? what if i end up get posted somewhere while just doing my job because someone was looking for internet clicks? what if i fell? like, i cant stop thinking about how im just....being watched. i get that people wanna make sure they're safe at home. i get that. but also, you know how we're too comfortable posting strangers on the internet? i think about videos of delivery drivers that got posted and i wonder if they consented to that. im willing to bet they didn't. im someone that is off personal socials and don't want many people from my past knowing what im up to finding me, which is why all my socials are faceless. and the thought of some stranger taking that away from me makes me very uncomfortable... but my MI makes me very paranoid, so maybe this is all baseless, so who knows. i sure dont. but I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a while now.

[kulemii]

baby imma be the deliveryman of your dreams

[kulemii]

i know i've been kinda not around as much on tumblr and discord lately but that's been bc this new job is kicking my ass. since i'm driving, i cannot safely check my phone throughout the day and the work is so fast paced so ya know... but here's a bit of an update for anyone curious:

i'm an official deliveryman ( i know i'm a woman but i like the way that sounds, dont check me) and so far i've delivered up to 200 packages a day. i've been on the road for roughly two weeks now (give or take) and so far i am LOVING IT!!! the time flies, there's no one bothering me throughout my shift so long as i do what i'm supposed to, i can listen to my tunes, talk on the phone (if anyone is ever bored enough to voice chat on discord someday let me know- i'd be down), although the job is face-paced it's still laid back which is perfect for my temperament- i could go on!

there are things i hate too like, being at the mercy of the weather, people that live in apartments with stupid set ups that dont leave instructions on how to navigate their complexes because that eats up so much of my time, when people dont answer their damn phones (eating up my time), businesses because they also eat up my time, also the weird sexism that happens like, sometimes women will be rude as fuck to me despite how polite i am to them then a male fedex or ups worker will come in, suddenly they're the nicest bitches on the planet (this has happened a couple of times- that's why i think it's sexism). another thing is dogs, people act like they can't fucking manage their dogs and i have to just accept it as inevitable that i will eventually be attacked by someone's dog at some point. when that happens, i will sue :) also, i technically work for a major company but the company i work directly work with is a subcontractor or some shit and they're a new, small company- super unorganized and i dont like an unorganized employer. i like to have confidence in the people that pay me.

all in all, i do like the job. i love it. i'm good at it and in fact give me a month or two and i know that i'll be excellent at it. i'm still learning right now.

oh but yesterday, i did make a decision that i don't want to stay long. i want to collect my experience and then i'll dip out for a company that pays more because this MAJOR MONEY MAKING MACHINE pays the least out of all the delivery driving companies. it's a shame. the reason why i made that decision is because yesterday the owner went on this weird speech about how she's older (55-not that old to be saying this shit) and wiser than all of us and no one can get one over on her because she's seen it all because she's ex-military. oh, and that she's hired 12 new drivers WITH experience so we're all easily replaceable if she sees we can't handle it lmao. babygirl... you're easily replaceable. you don't pay that well compared to the competitors nor are your benefits good.

next thing! i have orientation at my second job on the 9th which pays a few dollars more than this job doing kinda the same thing. it's part time but there are possibilities for full time. i just needed to get my foot in the door first. *in my nishiki voice* so, who did you say was easily replaceable? hahaha. anywho, i give myself about 6 months to a year at that main place, long enough to put the experience on a resume before i start looking for other options but i think driving may be my calling because i'm genuinely happy doing it already and i can see myself growing doing it.

i'm gonna be tired as hell juggling two jobs but duty calls 🫡

[kulemii]

today was the first day on my transfer to the other station. i can't believe i'll be going from 11:15am to 4:45am that's such a drastic change lol but at least i wont be delivering to people's houses at night anymore. so immediately i feel much safer. i also wont be doing over a hundred stops a day anymore. it'll far, far fewer stops but i'll just be driving longer distances to get to them which is precisely the type of delivery job i wanted originally. i'll be done by the afternoon everyday! no more damn near midnight shift ends! i still have two more shifts left at the other station and i will savor them as hopefully i'll never have to do that shit again. hopefully they're nothing too crazy. on to the big leagues, baby!

[kulemii]

and it's official, I'm seeking a second leave. but during this second leave, im just gonna be job searching. if i get something, im gonna quit. if i don't I'll be back....begrudgingly, but this depressive state's looking to be an ugly one and i think if i dont do the leave, I'm just gonna lose my job anyway bc I'll never fucking go in while im like this

[kulemii]

so.. i work a job where i'm constantly hiking anywhere between 40 to 80 lbs on my shoulder and carrying it to doorsteps- uphill, upstairs, you name it. occassionally, if i'm offloading packages from a truck driver, i wind up handling packages up to 150 lbs by myself. im a woman of 5 feet 2 inches so most people underestimate my strength when they see me hop out of my van and manuever my boxes up until they see me lifting. i always get so internally proud when they (especially men) go, "wow, you're strong!" after i've carried their package to wherever. it always gives me the good chemicals. i love when i notice that i'm able to lift a little bit more weight than i did the previous month. i love it all.

so tell me why, when i lifted a man today and he told me that me being able to do that as a woman scares him, it made me so, so sad? i don't think he meant it maliciously. i don't even think i should be sad. and yet, i am.

we were just playing around so it wasn't like i was expecting him to stroke my ego by complimenting me or anything. i just wasn't expecting that particular comment, i guess? idk. i'm trippin, i know. it's literally not that deep but damn, does it bother me.

[kulemii]

so basically, i had to give up the post office job this morning because they told me that in order to work there i would have to quit my other job. ummmm, hello- this is a part time gig that is sundays and holidays, no benefits whatsoever with zero chances of ever going fulltime unless someone dies and i slay 10,000 men in order to get a whiff of the fulltime position opening and you want me to QUIT my full time job with overtime and insurance???? yeah, you can kiss my beautiful black ass.

[kulemii]

i got really mad at myself because i felt like i was a shit writer since all i put out was smut and i felt like i was incapable of making anything else. i felt like i boxed myself in and didn't hone any reputable skills. i suck at describing shit. i dont know my characters. my mind felt so blocked up all the time. i know there are things that i put out that people seem to like but i feel like i'll never be able to top those things. my abandoned projects? 10-Nen for example, i was going through hell writing Fun & Games but i told myself that i was doing it for me. to try to get a good grasp on the way i write kiryu but no one would find it even if i did post it. so i did. and then the comments came. and OF COURSE they were flattering, i dont wanna diminish that but they made me hold what people like about my stories under a microscope and i tried to do more of that and once i started doing that, it all stopped coming to me

so i said i'd forget about what people say and go back to what i was doing before, writing to better my skills (or whatever i can call it) and yet nothing came to me. i was always worried that no matter how much effort i put into it, it wont be as good anymore, people wont like it anymore. and it stopped coming to me.

so i said forget about what people say, forget about getting better, write to understand the characters and the worlds i create for them. and then i felt every single thing i ever knew about them all dissolve before my eyes and every single character became a stranger to me. if i wrote in that state, it most definitely wont be good enough.

so i stopped. i told myself that i was done with writing. i would try to finish this one big project and sure, if i sporadically get the motivation to work on other things, i'd cross that bridge when i got there- but intentionally writing? i said that once doal was done, so was i. forget the wips. no more from me.

but then i stopped being able to work on doal because it no longer came to me. this was the one thing that i was working on that felt like it was going to be good. the one thing that i can do and i know for sure no one else would care enough to scale, but now i dont even have that.

i talked to my therapist a little while ago about these thoughts and she was pretty much like "you know what? you seem to operate on a scale of Good or Bad. in life but even your hobbies. what if you made decisions based on what you like instead of whether it's going to result in something good or bad. what if it wasnt so black and white? what if you just let yourself have fun. enjoy yourself?" that's basically the gist of what she said. i dont have a direct quote lol

since then I've been thinking about it on and off and im like damn, i stopped liking writing a long time ago. and it was because i always felt that nothing i could make would be good enough. but if i did just write to indulge in myself, to explore MY fantasies, to just have fun, maybe everything else will just fall into place?

for at least two and a half years, I've been lying to myself saying 'oh i write for me. that's why i dont take requests' but it wasnt true. when i was writing i was always thinking about if You Guys would like it and i was keeping parts of me out of my writing because i didnt think it was going be Good Enough for You. but im done with that. the truth is, i'll never know what you guys want. unless im opening the door for that dialogue but i dont take requests. i need to get back to thinking about me. writing for me. enjoying my craft for me and saying to myself 'if no one else likes it, fine because i love it.'

if, when i can do that, I'll go back to loving what i do. and everything else will come naturally. be it smut, fluff, a multi-chapter drama or even a fucking fake game that no one but me cares about.

i cant wait to get there

[kulemii]

i get really insecure alot about how i feel unapproachable and stuff. but someone i know irl point out to me that every time i go places strangers always, without fail attach themselves to me. when i go out, random people will talk to me FOREVER. if i start a new job, i swear i wont make friends and then someone attaches themselves at my hip anyway. i didn't say anything about this new job. but i had been feeling that insecurity again... about being unapproachable, and yet, this lady has just decided that we're gonna be buddies, and I've got nothing to say about it. quite literally, I've been really quiet, and you'd think that that makes me kinda off putting but she wont stop following me. what is it? about me? what am i doing? do people like me, actually? am i really... not that bad?

[kulemii]

medication prices be stupid af. they be pullin em numbers out they asses bc why am i able to spend $48 at publix for 30 pills and hear $948 at CVS but then if i got my shit filled at kroger i can't even use goodrx so they're like "$3,064 😐".. all for the same exact bottle of pills.

i'm not just typing random numbers. this is legit the prices for my medication by store from goodrx. my insurance only makes is $4 cheaper than what publix's goodrx coupon gives. which is fine, i mean, i guess considering my options. just two or three months ago, before my medication went generic the asking price was $1,400. for a 30-supply. just a single month.

it's nuts

[kulemii]

My being GAY experience story

OKAY so when i was 19 i had just moved back to my state from college- some shit had happened and i was returning to my old job where i used to work when i was 16. there was a lady there who was in her mid 30s. we'll call her K. K was very attractive to me but i never really acknowledged that i thought she was attractive because i didn't acknowledge that i was attracted to women. it was like 'i can see why gay women would be attracted to her but im not....not at all.'

K was very popular where we worked. Cool tempered (before her sous chef promotion). Personable. Friendly. Always smiling. Easy to get along with- it seemed. She drew a lot of people to her. When i was younger i noticed this but she seemed to kinda ignore me because i mean i was a kid ya know?

however, when i returned, she tackled me and gave me the biggest hug out of anyone. weird, because we didn't have a close relationship when i was there before. so i get my job back and it was like she was going out of her way to talk to me all the time but i didn't mind it- i really needed the friends. but over time i realized she would slip things in about her relationship status.

she was in a long term relationship

she used to be engaged

it's over now

she's single- not looking for anything

oh- cool! good, you should rush into anything if you're not ready for anything, K.

during that summer i was having trouble finding somewhere to stay, as i said i'd come back to my state from college (short notice) and my mom wasn't intending on putting me up long term. so i was looking to friends. at the time, K, was one offering to let me couch surf at her place. i was so grateful, dude. i didn't have a whole lot of options so i agreed. i was staying any and everywhere people would allow me to and that got me into a lot of trouble that year.. it got me hurt too. im in therapy now for some of it but i wont get into tonight but just know i've learned that not everyone is always as kind as they say they are.

i never initially gave K any indication that i wasn't straight. i'd only ever talked to her about guys. i was nice to her and sure, she would give me compliments, calling me 'beautiful' and i would accept them but i never thought they meant much of anything.

i started having issues with my mother and i took up drinking and partying that year. if there was a party, i was there. the place i worked, they partied like animals- they could afford to and the alcohol they serve was the good shit, shit i could never get my hands on otherwise so i tried showing up when i could.

at one of the parties, K took to 'looking after' me and i drank so much that my judgement was all out of whack.. i was completely fucked up and i wound up kissing her in front of one of my best friends at the time (not the girl i went to prom with- a different girl i dont talk to her anymore...she's weird.. after this happened she told me that she 'always thought she would be my first lesbian kiss'.... um, girl... chile, anyways so) and she just.... let me. then she took me too the bathroom and made out with me some more when i very clearly should've been prioritizing vomiting. annnnnnnnd someone we worked with caught us and suddenly the whole fucking party found out.

next thing you know, im getting a text from my ex who i denied dating because i was 29 and he was 17 and why did that even happen and he's grilling me like DID YOU MAKE OUT WITH K??????? ARE YOU GAY??????? (nigga since when did i owe you anything??? WHYYYYY DID I DATE MY COWORKERSSSSS???? WHY WAS I DATING HIM AS A MINOR?????? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!)

work for the next month or so is this weird minefield of navigating rumors or me being gay that aren't actually rumors because they're based on the fact that i made out with a woman and she's not helping me dispel anything. if anything she's playing into the rumor mill because i was the young thing that several people were pursuing but weren't successful and she 'got me' after one drunken night. and suddenly my reputation is ruined and i'm easy, oh and gay lol

and at the time, i saw her as a friend because she made me feel like she was on my side but now that i'm older i realize how much of this was so fucked up. she practically tried to force me out of the closet.

i remember crying to her several times telling her that i was straight and she was like, 'yeah.. but why would you kiss me tho?' BITCh urrghhh

THEN eventually, when i felt like, i had no choice but to just accept it. i was going to come out to my mom WHO WORKED WITH US. WHO SHE WOULD FLIRT WITH ME IN FRONT OF!!!!! i was pretty much trying to weigh all of my options and she was pretty much trying to tell me how i had to be gay. she was going to be the stud. i was going to be the femme. she was going to kick up her feet and i was going to spoil her and buy her shit. MIND YOU! I WAS 19 WORKING FRONT OF THE HOUSE AS A HOSTESS, BARISTA AND DINING ROOM ATTENDANT living from couch to couch!!!! meanwhile this bitch was 35 making bank as a whole entire fucking sous chef with her own place i----

NSFW AHEAD

and if anyone is curious, since i am telling this story i dont mind sharing the sordid details- we had sex ONE TIME and it was horrible. all she did was finger me and it was so uncomfortable. i just wanted it to be over. so i moaned a little loud and faked it like i would with a man and she got a swollen head about how she made me cum soooo hard and wouldn't shut the fuck up about it. and i'm just like ??????? damn so even women can't tell when we fake it? tragic lol. she couldn't fuck, but she was an amazing cuddler! i give her cuddling 100/10 stars🥰! no one has ever cuddled me that well again in my life which is saying alot.

anyway, my only experience being kinda openly gay irl was full of anxiety and a sprinkle of coaxing and intimidation 🥰 i never had a proper date with a woman. never had the whole, does this woman like me, is this gonna go somewhere? should we go out... thing. maybe i'll experience it someday but so far- nope!

[kulemii]

work culture so bad girl was eating barbecue ribs in the bathroom. it's a 2000s movie in this bitch 😭

[kulemii]

yesterday, i was talking to a friend about how my bipolar disorder makes me kinda struggle with hypersexuality and how i've learned to

channel that energy into fictional characters over the years rather than trying to actually seek out partners. and this friend is 1) asexual and could barely comprehend what i was explaining to her (said herself), 2) not at all into fandom culture and didn't really get lusting after fictional people the way you would a real person AND YET she listened and asked sooooo many questions. questions that might've made anyone else uncomfortable if i weren't such an open book about my mental health (and yes, i consider the sex stuff to be apart of my mental health because hypersexuality is a symptom of my mental illness and i accept that). it felt good to have someone listen to me and not make me feel like i'm a fucking weirdo or make me feel gross for being the way that i am. especially when internet culture (where i used to go to cope with my shit) is shifting in such a way where sex is seemingly becoming a dirty (or dirtier lol) word even in spaces where it used to be celebrated. it's nice having people that don't necessarily understand but want to try and sometimes that's all a person can ever ask for.

after talking to her, i realized that hypersexuality is very misunderstood. hell, even i misunderstand it sometimes. that's why i'm working with my therapist and my psychiatrist so that i can understand it more but if anyone is struggling out there or thinks that they might be struggling or is just confused about what's happening with them and need someone to talk to or hell is just curious about it, you can talk to me. i might be slow to respond but im happy to try and help. (NOTE: i do urge you to talk to professional if you can tho)