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kookingtae · 7 years ago

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falling into you (pt. 5)

pt. 1 | pt. 2 | pt. 3 | pt. 4 | pt. 6 | pt. 7

→scenario: Jungkook’s innocence is like a breath of fresh air in your wild life, and though you know you’re toxic for him, you just can’t seem to stay away.

→genre: college au, slow burn, mutual pining, shy/nerd jk + bad girl oc (mature themes)

→word count: 12k+

Jungkook couldn't get the feeling of her lips out of his mind.

Here he was laying in bed at 4:23 in the morning, tossing and turning in an attempt to get comfortable with the one sliver of knowledge that was eating him alive like the aftereffects of a plague: he had his very first kiss. And not only that—he had it with Y/N.

To say he was stunned would be putting it lightly. Hell, he felt like he had an out-of-body experience the moment her mouth touched his. Words couldn't even begin to describe the sensation, and too many different emotions were running through his body that he didn't know which to process, so unbelievably overwhelmed by everything that had happened. And though he was expecting to hate her for what she did, words of how dare you make me feel this way! stuck on the tip of his tongue after seeing with his own two eyes who she really was, how she acted at parties and treated the many men who flocked to her in hopes that they would be the one to change her ways and spend more than a fleeting hour with her, he couldn't.

He couldn’t hate her, because he found himself completely, hopelessly, undeniably falling for her. And it was like nothing he'd ever experienced in his entire life.

On one hand, he couldn't stop berating himself over how stupid he was. This is what Y/N does! She would catch people in the stickiness of her web and spin them around and around until they were trapped in her silk, and then she would devour their hearts and leave them there, as good as dead while she moved on to the next guy. He knew if he wasn't careful he would become her next victim, left helpless to her many tortures until she grew tired of him as well and abandoned him without so much as a nice knowing you.

But he couldn't find it in himself to stop.

Because she had kissed him, she had actually kissed him, and the more Jungkook thought about the feeling of her lips—so soft and light in pressure against his and tasting of nothing but a flavor that was so brilliantly her—the more he felt his mind delve deeper into the abyss of insanity without so much as a care in the world. He allowed himself to live on cloud nine just this once while he was in the safety of his dorm, tucked away inside the comfort of his bed and surrounded by nothing but the black emptiness and silence of his room, the two qualities he'd grown the most fond of in his escapade of bliss. Nothing could take this moment away from him, nothing, and so he let his hand wander to where it usually did when he thought about Y/N at times like these: his pants.

He visibly shuddered at the feeling of his fingers curling around his member that was already straining against his boxers with a painful erection, allowing himself to fully give in to his temptations and needs since he was now alone. There was no one around to make him feel ashamed, embarrassed; there wasn't a crippling anxiety clawing away at his insides that prohibited him from listening to his inner desires and doing what he so desperately wanted: to truly be himself.

So, he took advantage of the fact that he had a practically nonexistent roommate (he couldn't have gotten luckier with that one), and he started pleasuring himself.

There was no doubt that he would finish quickly—he had the feeling of Y/N's lips still fresh on his own, for crying out loud—and that was enough to not only arouse him physically, but emotionally tenfold. He was in a constant state of disbelief (he had already pinched himself tonight to see if he was dreaming more times than he'd like to admit), and with that came a stumped mind that wanted, desperately needed to process everything. He had spent the majority of the night on the floor with his back pressed up against the door after practically flinging himself beyond the threshold of his room, gasps of breath falling from his parted lips while he took in the sheer impossibility of what just happened. There was nothing he could say to calm himself down, because he didn't know what to think; he couldn't even remember how to think. It was as if she had snapped a wire in his brain the second she kissed him that caused an overall shortage, sparks of electricity firing within the organ and sending every fiber of his being ablaze until there was nothing—nothing but the sizzling sensation that imbedded the constant reminder of just how much she affected him into his lips. He knew this wasn't normal, even for him. He knew he wouldn't act this way if it had been anyone else.

He knew it was because of her.

"Y/N..." He allowed himself to whimper out her name as his hand continued to pump the smooth skin of his length, to pretend if only for a moment that she was here and he was beneath her, over her, inside her, even if he knew the emotional pain that it would bring him later. He would come to his senses and realize the stupidity of his actions, even kick himself for letting things get this far, but for now, he didn't care. Because he had kissed her, he had fucking kissed her, and that was enough to make his heart climax for the rest of his life.

"Ah!" He bucked his hips and winced as his orgasm took over, showering his bare chest in the thoughts of her that produced this liquid seed and covering his skin yet again with the dewy reminder of just how deep he really was into this situation.

When had he become so god damn emotional?

While he was cleaning himself up, he couldn't help but notice the exceedingly short amount of time it took for him to finish—shorter than he originally anticipated, to say the least. And while his orgasms usually approached him rapidly and forcefully when he thought of her, he knew this one was enhanced because of the events from earlier tonight.

He knew he was wasting his time—there was no way in hell Y/N was up at almost five in the morning thinking about him—and after this, he was going to get his soul obliterated into a thousand tiny shards sharp enough to cut through glass. But this day marked the day of Jeon Jungkook's demise; his logical mind had officially been overrun by his emotional heart, and as he was rolling over onto his side and finally drifting off to sleep, the only thing that he could dream of was the feeling of Y/N's lips.

•••

"Wait, so let me get this straight. You... kissed him? And that's it?"

"Yes," you exclaimed, your head on cloud nine and your heart among the stars as you sat around a blazing bonfire with your friends in the middle of Jimin's backyard.

Lynn stared back at you, obviously perplexed. "...How?"

You simply rolled your eyes, though it was impossible for the smile to be wiped from your face, the expression having been a constant feature since the moment his lips left yours. "I can go out with a guy and not sleep with him, Lynn. It's not impossible."

Your friend tutted, "Could've fooled me."

But you were too ecstatic to let her negativity drag you down. Never had you experienced anything so rich, so right as the feeling of Jungkook's lips on yours. Sure, the kiss didn't last long—he pulled away once the first few seconds of shock wore off—but it was a kiss nonetheless, an actual kiss with the boy who wouldn't even look into your eyes and fled from you every chance he got when you first met. And the sensation was much better than any lustful pleasure you had ever exchanged with a random stranger or attractive acquaintance; it didn't even come close. You had never experienced anything like that—a physical action that stirred such strong emotion within the depths of your core and heart. Feelings were something you’ve made sure to avoid and run away from these past four years, but with Jungkook... you found yourself wanting to embrace them.

So you simply nibbled on your bottom lip and shifted towards the other conversation taking place around the circle of the fire, your limbs practically bursting with the desire to just talk about him to someone, anyone who would listen.

"Are you sure you aren't just acting this way because you see him as a challenge?" Kate's words were suddenly dragging you back down to earth and the air around you that was filled with smoke from three different sources: the bowl Lynn was currently cherrying from Namjoon's hit, the cigarette hanging from Yoongi's lips, and the giant bonfire in the center of the circle that you all made with your chairs.

"Excuse me?" You scrunched your eyebrows in disbelief and directed your full attention to your friend.

"Oh come on, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about," Kate chuckled in an attempt to maintain the lighthearted nature between the two of you when she saw your mood starting to turn sour. "The guy is different than what you're used to—a mystery you can't solve. Don't you think you may be eyeing him as a prize you'll receive at the end of the game?" Her eyebrow was raised into her hairline questioningly.

You could barely even pull yourself together enough to scoff. "Jungkook is a human being, not some object to be won," you furiously corrected her.

But she simply shrugged. "All I'm saying is that I know you. Every time you show any genuine interest in a guy—which is extremely rare, mind you—it goes away as soon as you fuck him."

You were fuming at this point, smoke practically shooting from your ears to add a fourth source of substance in the air as you stared your friend down, your mind trying to compute the sheer audacity of her words before you were quickly yanking the bowl out of Lynn's hands and taking a hit of whatever was already lit from her turn. You let the substance fill your lungs, inhaling so deeply that your chest began to burn from the inside out though you welcomed the pain, let it distract you and keep your mouth occupied from starting an argument, because only you knew your true feelings, not Kate. You knew how the beautiful boy had somehow managed to flip your entire world upside down from the moment you met him; you knew how he was making you question your lifestyle—something you always took pride in, something no one had ever done before. And right when you were about to snap, about to stand up and speak your thoughts and give Kate a piece of your mind, your eyes met Yoongi's from across the flames.

You pulled away from the ceramic piece and slowly exhaled the smoke through your lips and nose, a brooding expression on your face as he silently stared back at you. His expression said it all: over the loud conversation to his right booming from Taehyung and Hoseok, he had heard your interaction with Kate, saw it all with his heavy-lidded eyes that were always cool and calculating, never giving away any internal feelings.

But you could read him.

After all those nights spent gazing at him from across the shared pillow that your face had been shoved into mere minutes beforehand from the power of his thrusts, the daze of lust cleared from the air and leaving nothing but your true selves stripped bare and vulnerable to expose every demon that you both possessed, you had learned to read him.

And sometimes, you wished you hadn't.

"Y/N." Your name was but another sound in the smoke as it left Yoongi's lips, the toe of his shoe digging into the dirt to put out his finished cigarette. "Do you wanna go for a walk?"

His words were a question but his tone was level, commanding, as if he was giving you the option though you never really had a choice.

So you simply nodded and handed the bowl back to Lynn before rising to your feet, your hands shoved into the deep pockets of your hoodie as you followed your friend through the large backyard until you were stepping onto the black cement and starting your walk down the desolate street.

"So you kissed him." His monotonous voice finally rung out among the silence, and you were thankful that he didn't start off the conversation about your dispute with Kate. "I'm assuming that means the date went well, then?"

You nodded, and at the memory of your time spent bowling with Jungkook you couldn't help but smile. "It went better than well," you replied softly, though the happiness in your tone couldn't be hidden. "I picked him up and we went to the bowling alley and he–"

"Wait, bowling alley?" There was an amused chuckle that fell from his lips as he interrupted your words. "Please tell me this is some strange euphemism for smoking out of a bowl."

"Bowling is an actual sport, thank you very much!" You scoffed, though you knew you were just defending the younger boy's interest. "He was practically a pro at it."

Yoongi simply tutted, "Okay, I'll be sure to invite him to my 12 year old cousin’s birthday party."

You wanted to laugh along with your friend—after all, you initially had the same thought when the location for your date had been chosen, though you were just thankful to get a date at all—but you couldn't help but grow defensive. "Yes it's... different than our usual activities," you tilted your head contemplatively while rounding the corner of the cul-de-sac and starting onto the next street. "But that's what I like about him. Jungkook is different."

"Okay, okay, I get it." Yoongi held up his hands in joking surrender. "Did he seem into it as well or did he still shit his pants every time you went in a ten foot radius of him?"

"Yoongi!" You scolded with a light smack on his shoulder. "He seemed a bit better... he got into the car with me, after all."

Your tone was full of amusement though you couldn't help but think of the truth in them; before, you were lucky if Jungkook even acknowledged your presence or responded when you spoke to him. Now you had been in his dorm room, worn his sweatshirt, gone on a date with him and even kissed him. Sure it wasn't the fastest moving relationship you'd ever had—in fact, the slow rate at which things were progressing actually scared you. But things were progressing nonetheless, and for Jungkook you were willing to wait as long as he needed.

"You make it seem like you're this horrible monster who doesn't deserve his attention," Yoongi chuckled at the thought.

You simply tutted, though you could feel your spirits plummeting lower and lower by the second at the thought. "I don't," you mumbled quietly, more to yourself than to the boy next to you.

At that, Yoongi skidded to a halt. The slight haze in your mind from the illegal substance you inhaled just moments prior caused you to register the movement a tad later than usual, and it wasn't until you were glancing over your shoulder with a confused frown as to where your friend had gone that you stopped and turned around.

"What?"

"Y/N, you do realize that you owe nothing to that guy, right?" His voice was full of incredulous disbelief, as if he couldn't even fathom you thinking otherwise. "You barely even know him."

"That's not true," you meekly defended, though you knew there was no use. As much as you didn't like to admit it, the only things you knew about Jungkook were things that you pushed him to tell you, practically forcing the information out through torturous tactics as well as practically forcing your lips onto his. Had he wanted the kiss at all? Judging by the way he stumbled away and flung himself into the dormitory without saying a single word to you, your guess was no.

Yoongi simply shrugged and shook his head. "I'm not gonna get into it with you because I don't know what you guys have gone through, but all I'm saying is you're free to do absolutely whatever you want without feeling guilty about it. You two aren't together."

It was silent as you pondered his words, and despite the little voice in that back of your head that wanted to protest and argue and defend your feelings for Jungkook, you knew that he was right. These were the same ideals that you prided yourself on day in and day out; you couldn't be controlled or owned by anybody. You would never throw away your ideology just because it didn't measure up to somebody else's, and you would never let anyone shame you for it. You were free to live your life how you pleased.

That being said, you've never valued someone's opinion as much as you valued Jungkook's, and over time you only found yourself caring more and more about what the brilliant freshman thought of you.

"But I want to be..." you trailed off, your voice so small that it was barely audible even to Yoongi right next to you, but once his ears registered the words his lips were turning down in a sympathetic frown.

"I know," he sighed, and then his arm was wrapping around your side and pulling you into his chest. His embrace was comforting, supportive, though it felt nothing like Jungkook's and you couldn't help but compare the two sensations since your mind wouldn't shut the fuck up about him.

The two of you stood like that on the side of the road for a while, nothing but the silence that came along with the crisp night air filling the space around you until his voice was stirring the still moment. "I promise," he started, and already you were pulling away to look at him with furrowed brows because you didn’t think you've ever heard your friend begin a sentence like that, "that if I see Jungkook again, whether that be at a party or over by the tree, I'll make an effort to befriend him."

Now you really were pulling away in confusion. "Befriend him?"

"Yes," he answered matter-of-factly. "You know, talk to him—be nice to him. It would help if he knows that not all your friends are a bunch of idiotic douchebags."

You couldn't help but laugh at his choice of words. "And you don't think you fall into that category?"

Yoongi shrugged cockily. "I'm the only one you slept with, aren't I?"

Your laughter fell to silence at his words, and as much as you didn't want the situation to turn awkward because that goes against everything that you stand for, it did. Because the one thing ringing in the forefront of your mind was how he had offered to start your fling again that day on the picnic bench in the woods.

You knew it had just been a casual offering—Yoongi's lack of commitment and laid-back attitude left little room for things to bother him if you declined—though the timing and manner that he went about it couldn't help but leave this impression on you.

"You have beach week to thank for that," you settled on saying, knowing it was the endless amount of drugs and alcohol in your system that night that led you into the arms of one of your friends, "not the fact that you're any less of an idiotic douchebag."

Yoongi opened his mouth in a playfully silent scoff as if you had offended him.

"Your choice of words, not mine." You quickly held up your hand in defense.

The mood thankfully returned to a light one as you continued to walk down the street in a comfortable silence. Yoongi wasn't a man of many words, and that was something you liked about him. He didn't feel the need to fill every moment with constant chatter, and that fact alone was very refreshing after hanging out with your boisterous group of friends.

It reminded you of Jungkook. Though you shouldn't have been surprised; a lot of things did these days.

"We should start heading back," Yoongi sighed as his steps slowed to a stop, his hands digging into the pockets of his jacket no doubt in search of his pack of cigarettes. "They're probably wondering where we are."

"I couldn’t care less," you grumbled beneath your breath, more to yourself than to your friend as you kicked around a pebble on the ground with the toe of your shoe.

Yoongi simply looked at you. "Y/N," he sighed, bringing a cigarette to his lips and cupping his hand over the lighter to ignite the flame. You watched as the end of the stick became engulfed in a spark of orange that sizzled and embedded into the tobacco. "You shouldn't let Kate get to you. You know how she is," he continued while a puff of smoke filled the air.

You simply tutted as the two of you started walking back towards the house. "That's what makes it worse. I know what she's capable of; I mean she's one of my best friends. Why would she try to get under my skin like that?"

"Did you really expect anything less?" Yoongi looked at you with an expression that said come on, Y/N. This is Kate we're talking about.

"Yeah, yeah," you brushed him off with a sigh. "It's just—it makes me so mad. I wouldn't care if it were any other guy; I mean you know we trade off or share them all the time, no big deal. But Jungkook is different. I don't know how to convince her of that because nobody seems to fucking believe me."

"I mean, you do have quite the track record," Yoongi admitted with an uneasy yet amused expression when you turned to glare at him. "Hey, I'm just saying," he held up his hands defensively.

"Yeah, you don't think I know that?" You huffed out. "I get reminded of it enough when I'm with Jungkook. He seems to think I'm the devil incarnate."

"Ah, he'll come around," Yoongi brushed it off with a wave of his hand through the air. "As for Kate, she may be a bit more difficult. I say you just avoid her like the plague."

You gave him another look as if the say, really. "Can't you just, I don't know, distract her or something? Just so she's not trying to hop on his dick every time they're in the same vicinity."

Yoongi took a drag of his cigarette. "Sorry, I only fuck one person per friend group," he responded on exhale.

You rolled your eyes at his sarcasm. "Yoong, I'm serious."

"I know you are. Why do you think I always butt in every time she looks like she's about to put a fork in him and have her next meal? I was helping you that day you brought him over to the tree."

You let out a sigh. "I know you were, and I thank you for that." He was right; he did more to aid your situation with Jungkook than you gave him credit for, including the advice on how to ask the skittish boy out on a proper date.

Yoongi glanced over at you before speaking again. "You know, why don't you tell the others about this as well? I'm sure with all of our strength combined, we can hold her back from jumping him."

You couldn't help but let out a tut of amusement before shaking your head, the sight of Jimin's house coming into view as you turned into the cul-de-sac. "I think I'm just gonna let it be. They'll get the hint that I'm serious about him once he starts coming around more often."

"Oh, babe, they already do. I'm pretty sure everyone lost their shit the day you turned down a bowl pack."

This time you actually chuckled. "You make it seem like I'm a full blown addict."

Yoongi simply shrugged. "If the shoe fits," and it was the last words spoken before you approached your friends.

"God, what took so long?" Lynn's voice was thick with smoke and boomed across the fire pit as the two of you took your respective seats. "Trouble getting it up, Yoong?"

"We were talking. I had to finish my cigarette," Yoongi swiftly covered for you as he tossed the butt into the fire.

"Wouldn't that be great, Y/N?" Taehyung got your attention to include you in the conversation. "We were thinking about going to a club this Friday instead of a party."

"Yeah, aren't you tired of seeing some of the same people at every place?" Hoseok chimed in to help convince you.

You definitely didn't need convincing. Skipping out on a night at a frat party would save you from having constant run-ins with people that you've slept with in the past. It's gotten you in trouble on more than one occasion, though the encounter that stuck out the most in your mind was the one that caused Jungkook to flee the scene and ignore you for two weeks.

"Yeah, I'm game," you answered with a shrug of your shoulders.

After all, you were trying to start anew with the beautiful boy. And what better way to do that than a change of scenery?

•••

Fireworks.

That's the blinding sensation Jungkook felt when he saw Y/N for the first time after her lips touched his.

He hadn't been looking for her—he swore, he hadn't—but it was just by mere coincidence that his feet led him past the old oak tree where he just so happened to know she spent her time at this particular time of day.

He felt like he was going insane. In what world would he actually go out of his way to look for her? He quickly shook his head to himself. That’s clearly not what he was doing. He just so happened to take this route today because he needed... books! From the library. For his art class tonight. Art books, of course.

He was screwed.

“Jungkook!” He heard her voice call out to him before he saw her, and the light timbre of her tone sounded like the chime of the wind, spinning and swirling in different melodies that danced around him in one grand symphony of euphonious chords that he swore in that moment he wanted to hear for the rest of his life, from the second he woke up to the moment he fell asleep.

In short, her voice saying his name was the best sound he’s ever heard in his entire life.

He halted in his steps—not even his feet betrayed him this time, but instead his heart—and turned towards the one source that he knew would have him melting like putty in the palm of her hand in a way that he’s never experienced before. He had always been so stubborn, so strict in his ways and set on his ideals, though the girl who stood before him possessed the ability to strip him bare so that every insecurity and vulnerability he’s ever felt in his entire life was visible to the naked eye. No human being should ever have that much power over him, and yet here she was, smiling that radiant beam in all of her glory in a way that made Jungkook question if she had actually, genuinely been innocent this entire time and truthfully wasn’t aware of the effect she had on him.

Maybe he had misjudged her all along. Maybe she didn’t have a clue.

“Hi,” he forced himself to speak—and by forced, he just opened his mouth and let his vocal chords do the rest, because his internal being seemed to have a mind of its own these days.

A light, dusty pink shade akin to a soft velvet rose crept across the apples of her cheeks, and thank god it wasn’t Jungkook’s turn to speak because he would have surely been made a mute man at the sight of her actually blushing over him.

“Hi,” she responded, her tone small, demeanor timid, and if the young boy didn’t know any better he would’ve never thought this was the same girl who he’d heard all those incriminating rumors about. “Um, how’ve you been?”

Better, now that you’re here, he wanted to say—what the fuck? “Fine,” he answered, a response as polished and tame as always. “And you?”

There was a moment of silence as she stared at him, her gaze soft, tender, as if she was memorizing the color wheel that spun in the irises and made up the intricacies of his warm, chocolate brown eyes. “Fine,” she parted her lips to reply, and then the faint, distant smile on her features reappeared.

Jungkook didn’t know how to handle this new Y/N. He didn’t know how to handle any Y/N, but at least the bold, confident, persistent Y/N was what he was accustomed to. But this—this soft-spoken, blushing, timid Y/N—this was new. And once again he was left out of his comfort zone, thrown overboard into the tumultuous and raging sea without so much as a life vest and completely lost, as if he was meeting her for the very first time all over again. Just went he thought that his logical, analytical mind had finally started to crack her beautiful enigma, she surprised him yet again.

“Um...” she stalled, seeming to get lost in her thoughts as she looked away to blink and clear her throat before turning back to him. “How was the rest of your weekend?”

The rest of your weekend—a key reminder that she had been with him a huge portion of his Friday night that ended with not only a handshake, which he‘d only recently worked up the courage to do, but a kiss. He kissed her, Jungkook had, and his eyes were immediately drawn towards the pink supple flesh of her lips that moved with each dulcet sound and word that left her mouth.

As if trained like one of Pavlov’s dogs, his member in his pants instinctively twitched, the memory of their kiss sparking the reaction out of him (thanks to all those late nights he stayed up thinking about her) and causing him to get painfully and undeniably hard.

He had just popped a boner while standing directly in front of Y/N over the mere thought of her lips.

Thankfully, her eyes were fixated on his face; though maybe that only made matters worse, because her brows were instantly furrowing at the way sheer mortification slowly twisted onto his features.

“What’s wrong?” She quickly asked, and Jungkook was torn between wanting to push her away and run to his dorm room as fast as his legs would take him to live out a long, happy life of hermitage, or to kiss her again.

Hermitage it was.

“Jungkook!” She was shouting his name as he turned to run away, and all thoughts of taking a new name and making a new life for himself instantly vanished the second her hand made contact with his arm.

Burning. That’s what the flesh felt like where her bare skin met his, and god damn it if his erection didn’t grow to its full size when any part of his body was under her touch.

“Stop!” He quickly cried out, desperate at this point to get away from her or at least adjust the crotch of his jeans, for god’s sake!, when she suddenly released his arm.

And that’s when he booked it to the nearest restroom in hopes of some relief.

•••

He hated you.

He absolutely, positively, beyond a shadow of a doubt hated you. And there was nothing you could do about it.

You’ve tried everything over the past couple of months. You’ve greeted him outside his classes. You’ve walked with him—in silence, no less!—to let him feel at ease with your presence. You’ve invited him to parties, asked him out on dates, you even took him out on one that ended in a kiss! Sure, it was the shortest, most innocent kiss you’ve ever experienced in your entire life, but it was also the best one because it came from him. And that meant more to you than some heated make out session any day.

That’s why it was so hard to let this go—not that it was any easier when you first met him, either. There was just something about this boy that drove you completely mad with a lovesick insanity. You couldn’t get him out of your mind, no matter how many times rejection kicked you in the ass.

It would be different if it were pure refusal. If Jungkook blatantly told you that he wanted nothing to do with you and asked you to leave him alone for the rest of his life, you would. It would suck, but you would respect his wishes. The thing was, it wasn’t. You caught glimpses of the real Jungkook, saw a spark in his eye or the hint of a beam on his lips that would squeeze your heart in the clutches of his fingers (that you so badly wanted intertwined with your own) and send it soaring among the clouds and stars above, and you knew you couldn’t let him go.

Because all Jungkook had up around his heart was a colossal, unyielding wall that was made of solid steel and reached the tops of mountains to keep out everyone around him for fear of being vulnerable. And you were going to knock it down.

Which is why you were all smiles when you greeted him outside of his art class despite him having literally fled from your presence mere hours beforehand.

“Hey,” you said, taking a small step forward. You knew he probably didn’t want to see you, which was why you self-consciously tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and drew your jacket closed tighter over your torso as the night breeze rustled through the nearby trees. “How was class?”

Jungkook looked surprised to see you—though it was a vast improvement from the ‘deer in headlights’ expression you used to receive from him. “H–hey,” he spoke, instantly shoving his hands into the pocket of his jeans and casting his gaze down to the sidewalk below. “Class was fine.”

You nodded and scuffed the tip of your boots against the pavement absentmindedly. “You left pretty quickly earlier today.”

At this, Jungkook chewed on his bottom lip, and if you were looking closely—which you always were—you could just make out the hint of a blush creeping up on his cheeks.

God, he was so adorable it hurt.

“Yeah, I uh, I had to get to the library,” he finally answered, and you knew it was a lie but you didn’t call him out on it. He didn’t need an excuse to leave your presence; he was free to do whatever he wanted. Though the thought of him dreading every second by your side made your heart sink in your chest.

“So uh,” you started down the sidewalk towards his dorms, knowing that if you didn’t lead the way he would just run off towards them anyways. “Do you have any plans for this Friday?”

At this, you could see his body tense up out of the corner of your eye. Was the thought of your date last weekend really that traumatizing for him?

There was a breath of silence before he spoke. “I was gonna study,” he answered, though in that moment a sound of amusement, a small, single tut fell from his lips as he quickly glanced at you with what you swore was a wry smile.

Your heart almost stopped beating entirely.

You craved for when he showed small glimpses of himself like this—when he wasn’t so uptight and worried about what to say or do and so nervous that he instinctively clammed up. Even though it was just something small, it gave you hope. And for Jungkook, you would hang onto any little sliver of hope he’d give you.

“‘Was’ being the keyword there,” you grinned, your shoulder lightly nudging his. Your stomach jumped at the brief contact, hoping that the action wouldn’t cause him to shut down again. “Have you ever been to a club?”

It was in this moment that Jungkook stopped walking—whether it was from the shoulder nudge or your question, you weren’t entirely sure. But you made sure to stop as well and rushed to fix whatever error of judgment you had just made.

“O-of course you haven’t—sorry, stupid question,” you fumbled out, feeling like a whipped, lovesick idiot for the first time in your life. “It’s just that—well, my friends are talking about going this weekend, and I... I want you to be there, with me.”

At this, Jungkook looked shell shocked, though you couldn’t imagine why. Did it really still catch him off guard when you invited him places? Haven’t you been doing that since the day you met?

“W-why?” He finally spoke as if you had just said the most outlandish thing known to mankind. “Why would you want me there?”

“Because I like spending time with you, okay?” You sighed, frustrated that he still didn’t get it. After all this time, wasn’t it easy to tell that you’re crazy about him? “I like spending time with you and I enjoy your company and the thought of doing something with you apart from walking around campus makes me happy.”

You held your breath, just bracing yourself for the rejection. This is the first time you’ve ever so blatantly poured your feelings out to him, and even then, what you said wasn’t that big of a deal, but you knew it would be to Jungkook. This boy could barely make eye contact with you up until a couple of weeks ago, much less hear that being with him made you happy.

But maybe that’s what he needed to hear. And if pouring your heart out is what it took to get through to this boy that you were actually interested in him, even after you kissed him, then god damn it, pouring your heart out was just what you were going to have to do. You were new to this, new to feeling any emotions other than pure lust and desire, but you kind of liked the feeling. So you embraced it, welcomed it with Jungkook.

You just hoped he could find it in himself to do the same.

“I...” you started again, another sigh leaving your lips once you realized he wasn’t going to respond. “I’m sorry. I just... I can’t get you out of my mind. I’ve never been able to, but especially now. Especially after that kiss.”

You bit down on your bottom lip, your stomach twisting with nerves as you brought up the elephant in the room that has yet to be addressed by either one of you. When you finally looked up at his expression, you saw that he was as white as a ghost.

“I-I gotta—“

“Jungkook, please don’t,” you winced, unable to bear him running away from you again, especially while you were being so vulnerable with him. It wasn’t a good feeling, and you were afraid of what it would do to you if he abandoned you yet again in such an emotionally charged conversation. As much as you liked to put on a strong front like your heart could handle anything, you knew deep down that it couldn’t. Because your heart was most easily hurt by him, and it was starting to wear you down whether he knew it or not.

Jungkook stopped, and you swore out of your peripheral vision you could see his figure soften when he turned back to you.

You wanted more than anything in that moment to give him a hug. God, you just wanted to... feel him. You wanted to feel him in the most innocent sense, with his arms around your waist and his chest against your face as you nuzzled into his embrace. You’ve never craved such a deep level of intimacy with anyone before, but god damn, it just hit you like a ton of bricks and suddenly you needed him. You knew it was way out of line. You knew he didn’t feel the same, would probably never want to see you in a 10-mile radius ever again. But in that moment, you just couldn’t help yourself.

So you stepped forward, opened your arms, and took a leap of faith.

And you pulled him against you for a hug.

His body was rigid against yours. It felt like you were holding a slab of concrete, hard as stone beneath your touch, but god did he feel warm and the intoxicating scent that was something so indescribably him clouded your senses, leaving you in a haze that was much stronger than any form of smoke you’ve ever inhaled. Your arms were wrapped around his middle, squeezing his body in the strongest hug your arms could manage in such a weak moment, and it was then that you surely thought you were going to faint.

Because after a few still, silent moments, you slowly felt his body start to relax against yours.

It crept over him, like the slow aftereffects of a poison, until soon his entire frame was free of any tension that had shrouded it before and he was suddenly hugging you back.

He was reciprocating the hug, he was really reciprocating it, and your heart was pounding so loudly that you were certain he could feel it against his own chest, but for once you didn’t care. Because you were finally in Jungkook’s arms, and you never wanted to leave.

•••

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Y/N always had a way of surprising him—that much was certain. There wasn’t a single moment since the day they met that Jungkook hadn’t been completely caught off guard by whatever forward statement came tumbling from those sinful lips of hers. But this? Wrapping her arms around him in a hug so tight that his body threatened to be severed in half? This was a whole new level of surprise; he actually blacked out for a couple of seconds.

Everything she said had to be a lie; it had to be, right? There was no way in hell Jungkook was on her mind as often as she was on his. Y/N had a slew of guys knocking on her door just dying to get a turn with her, and that’s how she wanted it. Y/N liked to party and get drunk and have sex. That’s all he knew about her—and yet, it wasn’t. Because somehow deep down beyond this facade that she put on around others, Jungkook remembered seeing the beautiful girl crying on the windowsill of a desolate stairwell, when she had casually mentioned that she didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life. Jungkook knew deep down there was something more, something more deep and raw and vulnerable than the strong, fierce person that she wanted everybody else to see. He could see it in her eyes, on the apples of her cheeks when she spoke to him. He brought it out in her.

And it was in that moment that Jungkook knew she was telling the truth.

Never in his life had he experienced a hug like this—sure, there was the occasional bear hugs he received from his family and friends—but nothing that had ever felt like this, like his head was pounding so hard that he started seeing stars and his body was erupting into flames that made it feel like the middle of summer during a cold autumn night. He felt so warm, yet so impossibly cold, like he had never felt true heat in his life until the moment he felt her body heat pressing against him. His brain was running a mile a millisecond, the gears shifting and working so hard into overdrive that it threatened to short circuit on him, but with her arms unrelentingly wrapped around him, he finally threw all caution to the wind and flipped all the switches in his tumultuous mind off. There was no way in hell he could ever reject this even if he wanted to; she had reduced him to putty in her hands, same as she always did.

And so putty he became, completely melted into her embrace like a puddle of goo on a hot summer’s day without any means of ever turning solid again, because this was the most of her he had ever felt in his life, and she felt better than he could’ve ever imagined in some silly fantasy of his. He forced away all inhibitions and wrapped his arms around her frame, his skin sizzling where it touched the fabric of the jacket covering her body, and he hugged her like his life depended on it. He squeezed her until he was out of breath and blue in the face, silently communicating every single word he’s wanted to say but his vocal chords would never allow him to speak, his chest rising and falling all the while to keep up with the pace of his erratically beating heart that clamored in time with hers against his ribcage.

He didn’t know how to describe it, but he just felt... home. Like she was his all along, and he had been too stubborn and scared to allow himself to realize it until now. He knew this wasn’t true—if there was anything he had learned about Y/N, it was that she couldn’t be tamed or tied down to one person—but in this moment, with the stars in the night sky twinkling above them and the sensation of her warm breath dancing through the fabric of the thin shirt covering his chest, he didn’t care. He allowed himself to get wrapped up in the fantasy, no matter how much he knew it would hurt him later. Because right now she was in his arms, his of all people, and nothing else mattered.

He didn’t know how long they went on like that, pressed against each other in complete silence with nothing but the wind moving around them, but he did know that he was the first to break apart; there was a student on the sidewalk who needed to pass and let out a very obvious cough as he was walking around them, which ultimately broke the reverie that Jungkook had gotten lost in that caused him to forget anything else in the world existed other than the two of them. Though when he pulled away to look down at her, he realized he wasn’t in any better of a position, because the dazed gleam in her eyes threatened to knock him right off his feet and caused him to get lost all over again.

Neither one of them said anything; for once, it seemed that the ever-charming Y/N was speechless, though Jungkook was sure it couldn’t have simply been his hug that rendered her to this state. He could see from his peripheral vision that her chest was rising and falling too, like she was just as out of breath as he was even though neither of them had partaken in any physical activity other than just standing there.

And then, just when the tension between them was so thick that it was about to explode, her cheeks flushing a constant state of pink and her gaze flickering from his eyes to his lips and his heartbeat practically bursting in his eardrums as she subtly inched closer—

“I should go,” Jungkook blurted out.

And just like that, his defense mechanisms flared up again, fear striking him to the bone and causing him to take action in the only way he knew how: running away.

It wasn’t lost on him that defeat visibly deflated throughout her body, though just when the guilt from this sight threatened to strangle him whole, she quickly regained her composure and masked her expression again.

“Yeah... okay,” she smiled softly, and he didn’t know why, but he felt like the gesture was meant to reassure him. “I’ll uh, I’ll talk to you later.”

Jungkook briefly mirrored the expression before nodding his head and turning away, his feet suddenly unable to take him away fast enough until—

“Jungkook.”

They skidded to a halt as if she had him bound by spell.

“Thank you.”

The words caught him so off guard that he actually glanced over his shoulder to gaze at her in quiet confusion. But all he was met with when he took one last look at her painfully beautiful face was a serene smile that was adorning her lips, seeming more at ease and content than he had ever seen her.

And as Jungkook took off down the sidewalk towards his dorm, he vowed that he would do anything to see that happiness on her features again, even if it ended up tearing his heart to shreds.

•••

It was only when he heard a knock at his dorm room that he realized he hadn’t answered her question.

He had been shell-shocked just from the mere mention of the club, but paired with her profession of feelings afterwards? Jungkook was pretty sure his mind had stopped working completely, which in turn made him forget all about the fleeting invitation. But now, when he opened the door and was met with a bright grin on Y/N’s face that he was sure could cure cancer, he realized she would be looking for a definite answer.

He wanted to go with her. God he wanted to go with her, so badly, because the thought of her in a crowded club with too many strangers’ hands on her body for her drunken mind to comprehend made him sick to his stomach. He wanted to be there for her, and he wished with all of his heart that he were one of those guys who could easily protect his girl.

But he wasn’t.

Because she wasn’t his girl, and even if she was, that just wasn’t the type of person Jungkook was; he wasn’t a fighter. Not to mention he was sure Y/N wasn’t the type of person to need protecting.

But he just couldn’t help but worry about her—worrying was his specialty, after all—especially now that his feelings for her had only grown. He didn’t want her to get taken advantage of, and god, if he had to sit through another sleepless night wondering what or whom she was doing, Jungkook thought he might go insane.

He didn’t want to go to the club. But there was no way he was going to ask her not to go; she was far too independent for that, and even so, Jungkook wasn’t a controlling person. He just didn’t know what to do.

“Hey,” Y/N‘s voice was light, slightly breathless when she spoke as if she was trying to hide the fact that she was slightly out of breath, and she was looking right at him like he was the entire world morphed into one. Could he be imagining the sparkle in her eye when their gazes met?

“...H-hi,” Jungkook replied, slightly confused as to why she was showing up at his dorm on a Friday night when she should surely be out with her friends.

There was a moment’s pause before she spoke again, and that’s when he noticed the bashful tinge of nerves that raised to slightly color her cheeks. Was Y/N actually... nervous around him? Again? Before their kiss she had been fearless, charming, and Jungkook thought he had this girl pegged as every negative stereotype that was associated with college party culture. But now, he was almost able to see some of his own timid and cautious behavior reflected back onto her. Did Jungkook really have that effect on her?

“Um, can I come in?” She asked after a moment, and it was all he could do to keep his heart from jumping straight out of his chest as he nibbled on his bottom lip before stepping aside to let her walk through.

The sight of her in his room looked so foreign, since this was only the third time she’s seen it and even that was three times too many, yet it also looked so right, like this was exactly where she belonged. The thought terrified him half to death; this was his safe haven, his sanctuary for crying out loud, and what does it mean if he’s willing to share it with her? But even so, he couldn’t help but think she’s the only one he’d ever want to share it with. She’s the first girl he’s ever felt... well, ever felt for in general. And her radiant presence just seemed to light up the room, giving everything he owned a certain glow that he hadn’t noticed they had before.

He didn’t know he’d been holding in his breath until he had to release it in order to speak.

“I thought you were going to the club?” He asked before raising an arm to nervously rub the back of his neck, internally praying that she wasn’t here to ask him to join.

Her eyes seemed to be fixed on something on his bicep before she snapped out of it. “I uh, I actually bailed on them. I figured you didn’t want to go, so...” it was when she trailed off that he noticed for the first time she was holding a bag, and when she held it up he saw it was filled to the brim. “I figured we could chill here instead?”

She looked hopeful, somewhat nervous of his rejection, and he couldn’t help his eyes from practically popping out of his head at the sound of her words. Had she really passed up an opportunity to party with her friends to stay in with him? Jungkook would’ve thought that Y/N was the type of girl to never stay in on a Friday night, but it would seem he didn’t know her as well as he thought he did. Could it be that there was some untruthfulness to the rumors he heard?

His mouth was suddenly dry and all the breath had escaped from his lungs, so he simply nodded his head down towards the bag in question rather than attempting to speak aloud.

“Oh, this is just some junk food I figured we could pig out on if you said yes,” she let out a sheepish laugh and sat the bag down on his spotless desk so that he could see inside, and it was then that Jungkook caught a glance of almost every snack assortment known to man.

Somewhere deep inside his chest, his heart melted. Had she really gone through the trouble of buying all these snacks just to bring over to his dorm? It would seem she didn’t know what he liked, so she bought one of everything. This couldn’t be the same girl he’d heard those incriminating stories about. It couldn’t be.

There was a moment of silence before he finally spoke. “Well, we might as well eat all of this now that it’s here,” he heard himself say, and at the expression of elation on her face he couldn’t help but crack a smile.

•••

You couldn’t believe he actually agreed.

When you turned down your friends’ invitation to go to the club tonight, they looked at you like you were crazy. They were afraid you had fallen physically and mentally ill, and proceeded to check your temperature and pulse to see if your vital signs were normal. It wasn’t until after maybe the fiftieth “I’m fine guys, I swear!” that they finally believed you, but even then they were confused as hell. And it’s not like you could blame them—had you ever turned down an offer to go out dancing since you started going to this university? The answer was a hard no, and your friends knew it. Which was why they gave you a few encouraging—albeit judging—stares before you left their company and hit the gas station by yourself.

What did Jungkook like to eat? You weren’t sure, so you just grabbed a bunch of shit you knew was dangerously addicting and delicious before heading off to his dorm; thank god everything was in a close vicinity of each other on this campus, because you didn’t have Taehyung’s car to borrow for the night.

Which is how you ended up where you were now, sitting atop Jungkook’s bed with your back against the wall and a bowl of popcorn in your lap.

You felt like your body was about to burst into flames; how the hell had you gotten so lucky as to have Jungkook agree to hang out with you in his room? Not only that, but he was actually sitting next to you, an act that would’ve surely never happened had you asked him a few weeks prior. But something had changed—something between that kiss and life-altering hug you’d exchanged—that had you pinching yourself to see if you were dreaming. Jungkook had finally started to feel comfortable enough to spend more than twenty minutes in your company without shoving you out the door or making a dive for the window. You couldn’t believe the progress you were making with this breathtaking enigma of a boy.

“So what about you?” You turned to him to ask, legs crossed beneath you while his favorite anime played in the background, which you insisted on watching. “You already know about my shit storm of a plan. What do you want to do with your computer science degree?”

Somehow the topic of conversation had drifted to school—probably because that’s the only thing Jungkook seemed comfortable talking about, which was perfectly fine with you. You were happy just to get the opportunity to hold an actual conversation with him, no matter the subject... until the memory of your semi emotional breakdown in the windowsill of the stairwell had been brought up. You were quick to get the subject off of you without saying too much about it.

Jungkook nibbled on his bottom lip, seeming to contemplate your question before finally opening his mouth, then closing it again as if second-guessing himself. “I’ll more than likely do software engineering,” he said in a tone that implied he was trying to convince himself as well.

“More than likely?”

“Well...” he started then paused again, his demeanor turning surreptitious and somewhat sheepish as he eyed you. “I actually... I want to become a video game designer. It’s stupid, I know.”

“No!” You were quick to reassure him. “No, I think that’s really cool, actually. You should do it!”

“Eh, it’s just a pipe dream,” Jungkook was shaking his head and lowering his eyes again. “Who knows if I’d actually be able to do it? Besides, software engineering pays the best. It’s what my parents want me to do.”

“But is it what you want to do?” You pressed, giving him a knowing look. “It’s your life, Jungkook. You shouldn’t let fear keep you from achieving your dreams.”

You didn’t know when you had become such a motivational speaker—hell, you were terrible at giving advice. None of your friends ever came to you for it because they knew you were such a bad influence. But with Jungkook, something just made you want to be... better. You wanted to help him, because you found yourself genuinely wanting the best for him.

Jungkook, on the other hand, looked white as a ghost. You were about to change the subject, if only to make him less uncomfortable, when he suddenly spoke again.

“I don’t think I’ve ever done that.”

You were puzzled at first. “Done what?”

“Not let fear keep me from doing something.”

And it was then that he was looking at you, his eyes so intense and his gaze so deep, saying so much yet speaking so little, that you could feel your heart physically moving mountains within your chest. You felt the overwhelming urge to lean forward and kiss him until you were out of breath and blue in the face, though somehow with extreme willpower you didn’t know you possessed you were able to hold yourself back.

“I’m the same way, you know.”

Jungkook was reeling back at your words, his eyes wide with disbelief and his brows furrowed in confusion as if you just said the most outlandish thing he’d ever heard. “What?”

“It’s true,” you nodded with a giggle, able to tell from his expression that he didn’t believe you one bit. “That day you saw me in the stairwell, I...” you paused, trying to muster the courage to say what you were about to say. You never opened up to anyone—not really, not about things that were important. But the way Jungkook was looking at you, the way he confided in you about his dreams, his fears of disappointing his parents... you wanted to show him that you trusted him, too.

“I had just had a meeting with the dean that day, and he told me that if I didn’t get my grades up I’d be expelled from the school without graduating.” You sighed, saying the news out loud making anxiety knot in your stomach because it meant it was that much more real. “I’ve already had academic warnings and been on academic probation a couple semesters, but never suspension... I don’t know where I’d go.”

It felt weird yet nice, like actually telling someone else about your inner turmoil has somehow lifted a weight off your shoulders. You didn’t have to bare the stress of your academic failure on your own. Thankfully Jungkook didn’t question your last statement, and you were glad; that was a whole different story, one that included your past and your parents, and you didn’t know if you could get into that tonight.

“They don’t know, do they?”

His question took you aback. “What?”

“Your friends.” When he saw your expression, he elaborated. “I could tell that, um... I–I could just tell you haven’t told them.”

His tone was gentle and understanding in a way that made you feel all fuzzy and warm from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. How could he have known that you hadn’t told anyone? Is it possible that your fearless facade wasn’t as strong as you thought it was? Or was he really just that perceptive?

And if that’s the case, then did that mean he paid more attention to you than you originally thought? Did he actually... care?

That thought alone was too much; you felt your heart spring into your throat and threaten to strangle your windpipes, rendering you speechless until there was no more air left to fill your lungs and you were collapsing from suffocation right then and there.

“N–no,” you somehow managed to get out, and now for the first time you were the one reduced to a stuttering mess in his presence, not him. “No, I haven’t told them. Nobody knows but... you.”

At this Jungkook’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline, and it was all you could do to keeping from bursting into a lovesick grin, because the faintest hint of a rosy hued blush crept up along the apples of his cheeks and you could almost make out the way the corners of his lips turned up into a sheepish smile.

“Why?” His voice betrayed his expression, seeming almost skeptical and bewildered at this knowledge. “Why me?”

There was that damned question again, and you swear to god if Jungkook could only see himself through your eyes then he would have the ego of the Greek god Zeus. It broke your heart to see him question himself like this, question his worth in the way that you saw him, and in that moment, you mustered all the courage you possessed and did the only thing you knew would be strong enough to convince him of your answer.

You placed the popcorn down on the bed beside you, you leaned forward to take his hand, and you kissed him.

•••

It was like lightening had pierced through the sky and struck him down to his very core. Every fiber of his being was teeming with electricity; just the simple sensation of her lips gently brushing against his had his vision blinded by stars as they erupted within him and severed every synapses in his brain with their fiery white heat of burning gas.

He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t think; he was rendered completely powerless beneath the weight of her gentle, barely-there kiss. And yet, at the same time, it felt like he was coming alive for the first time in his life. How could he have gone this long without her lips? How could she have let him?

It was in that moment that Jungkook knew what he wanted to do; there were no doors to escape through, and they weren’t standing outside of his dorm like their first kiss after their date, but rather sitting down on his bed with One Piece playing in the background. Any other time this would’ve distracted him, since he loved the anime to the point of practically memorizing all the words, but tonight the screen in front of him had barely even registered in his mind as all of his attention was on her. And right now was no different—everything around him had simply vanished from existence the moment her lips touched his, as if they were the only two people in the universe. And to him, they were. No one else mattered but her.

And so finally, after hours upon hours of sleepless nights fantasizing about this moment in 100 different ways, he gave into his desires. And though he didn’t have a single clue as to what he was doing, he finally leaned in and began kissing her back.

•••

You couldn’t believe your senses. You thought they were deceiving you when you felt his lips slowly, ever so carefully, begin to thaw beneath yours and lean into the kiss. Was Jungkook actually... kissing you back?

And that’s when all hell broke loose; you felt your heart open the floodgates as all the emotions youve ever felt for him came rushing out and pouring into this kiss without any means of stopping. For the first time in your entire life you felt completely weightless, like your body was floating through zero gravity and you were gazing down upon the world beneath you. You felt infinite, you felt unstoppable, you felt like you could achieve anything with Jungkook by your side. And so you took it upon yourself to slowly scoot forward so not to scare him away, carefully bringing your hand to the side of his neck and tilting your head to deepen the kiss.

You could tell this was his first kiss (besides the one after your date, of course, though that didn’t count because Jungkook didn’t reciprocate then). His actions seemed tentative and inexperienced in a completely innocent and pure kind of way that had your heart simultaneously melting and soaring within you. You felt honored—could he have actually let you be his first kiss?—and before you could help yourself, your lips were breaking out into beam so bright that it caused the kiss to momentarily break.

Jungkook pulled away slightly to stare back at you with big, blinking eyes. “W-what?”

Your heart soared again—god, why was he so fucking cute? “Nothing,” you reassured him, not wanting him to think that he did anything wrong. “I’m just—I’m really happy.”

That seemed to calm Jungkook’s nerves, because in that moment he also broke out in a small smile that had his nose scrunching slightly and his teeth peeking out from between his delicate lips that were stained red and swollen from the pressure of your kiss, and you decided that he had never looked more beautiful than he did right in this moment.

An overwhelming surge of emotion and love flooded your chest, and before you blurted out something stupid you simply leaned back in to press your lips against his again. They tasted so, so incredibly sweet—better than anything you’ve ever tasted in your life—and you quickly knew that you were going to become insufferably addicted to them.

You didn’t rush things with tongue; you wanted to take things slow, take the time to learn the curvature of his lips and the pattern of their movements against your own, and good god, you were the luckiest girl on earth.

Jungkook was slowly warming up beneath you. You could physically feel the ice melting away from his guarded heart, like flowers finally beginning to bloom in the early mornings of spring after staying dormant all those wintery months, and it was when you brought your hand up to his hair, slowly curling your fingers into each effortlessly soft strand that you heard it: the quietest, tiniest moan of pleasure that worked its way into a sigh leaving his lips.

And that’s when you felt your entire body erupt into flames.

Holy mother of fuck, how could you have deprived yourself of the single most delectable sound you’ve ever heard in your entire life? You knew he could feel the pulse of your racing heartbeat pounding against your chest right now, but you didn’t care; you were having an out of body experience. Was this how intimate embraces were supposed to feel? You didn’t know how many guys you’ve kissed in your lifetime, but never had anyone come even close to making you feel the way you felt right now. God, you were pretty sure you were about to have an orgasm out of sheer happiness.

And it was at that moment, right when both of you were getting lost in the throes of passion and the kiss began to take a more sensual, almost desperate turn, that the door suddenly burst open.

“Oh—shit, sorry man, I didn’t know you had someone over.”

Jungkook’s roommate—Trip, you believed his name was if your memory was serving you correctly—was standing in the doorway with raised brows, seemingly paralyzed with shock that he had walked in on Jungkook doing anything but studying or playing video games. And he wasn’t the only one shocked; the second the door opened Jungkook shot away from you, the tips of his ears turning beet red with widened eyes like a deer caught in headlights. And it was then that you began to wonder... were you the only person Jungkook had ever invited into his dorm?

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to read the energy in the room. Trip didn’t look like he was planning on leaving, and Jungkook obviously wasn’t going to continue things with an audience in the room, so you quickly took your cue.

“I–I should be getting out of here,” you were the first to speak, sparing Trip an apologetic smile though your gaze immediately flickered back to Jungkook, and he seemed just as breathless after that mind-blowing kiss as you were. Despite the somewhat awkwardness of the situation, you couldn’t help but grin—you were too fucking happy to keep your expression placid. “I’ll see you later, Jungkook.”

Jungkook simply nodded, a dazed and somewhat dumbfounded expression on his face as he watched you gather your things, sling the bag of uneaten snacks over your shoulder, and walk out the door.

#jungkook #jungkook fanfic #jungkook scenario #bts fanfic #jungkook x reader #bts x reader #jungkook smut #bts smut #falling into you #kookingtae

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taestefully-in-luv · 1 year ago

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taglist redo: @scentedtragedysandwich @nadzzzblog @piecesofapril11 @natalie-rdr @meanum @bnagtanx1306 @ggukkieland @kimyishin @thelilbutifulthings @chimchimmarie @yoncesnova @mschievous247 @kkjagi @fancycollectormoon @jeonlovescoffee @burnahtsw @insenescencia @sugaluvmyg @tabby22 @moonfaery @taetaecatboy @bangtanforever-97 @bids97 @curioughts @jessikahathaway @bloopkook @pinkseokchim @alwaysjjk97 @jk-190811 @iamsisuu @bangtansmauyeondan @kswrld @kookxin @jjin-kun @sugas-baby-girl @notbotheredtho @softforpj @ihrtjm @glossyyy-21-yo @chimchxmni @kookingtae @neg-l3ct @dearly-somber @mi55delulu @taolucha @babycandy111 @hollyweird0 @xyahrinx @jksusawife @jjkw-7 @saiyanrn @rexana19 @pamzn

Our Time | JJK (Seven)

Summary: After an accident and being in a coma for three months, you finally wake. But the last nine years of your life have been completely erased. You rely on none other than your best friend, Jungkook, to help regain your memories and yourself. But what happens when the truth of your missing time starts unraveling and it isn’t all it’s made out to be?

Pairing: Jungkook x Fem Reader (Detective!Jk x Graphic Designer!OC) side pairing: Seokjin x Reader

Genre: crime au, fluff, heavy angst, smut, romance, darker themes, amnesia au. Best friends to ???

Word Count: 12.4k

Warnings: seriously depressing (for now) swearing, mentions of alcoholism, allusions to cheating

a/n: Hiiiiiii, long time no see!! Sorry for the delay and thank you for waiting. This story is at a depressing point (lol) so forgive me! I hope you guys can enjoy this chapter too 🥺 Well, I hope you guys enjoy and please let me know what you think! Send an ask if you want to be added to the taglist or just want to chat :]

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An eternity has passed since you’ve last seen Jungkook…a total of six weeks. Each day has gotten equally harder as it has gotten easier. You think it’s just your body slowly getting used to his absence but your mind is yearning. Yearning and hurting.

But there is something that’s also painful like missing your ex-husband—your best friend—and it’s the videos of your life. A life you know nothing of.

If you thought pictures were hard, videos are much harder.

But you asked for this. You asked your parents and your friends to send you old pictures and videos of times you don’t remember living.

You’re seeing pictures of you and your friends in restaurants you don’t know. Bars you don’t know. Concerts for artists you don’t know. Pictures of you in your bedroom, but it’s a bedroom you don’t know.

You have haircuts and styles you don’t know.

In the videos, you hear yourself laughing at inside jokes you don’t know. You’re using vocab and slang you don’t know. You see yourself giggling and joking around with people you. don’t. know. And you feel more like an outsider than ever. Not just to this world but to the girl you see on screen, you are an outsider to herworld.

Perhaps you’ve gotten too use to separating your different selves. And perhaps that makes it harder to unite with them.

Past you is current you but current you thinks of current you as future you.

It’s all a headache to think about.

You know they’re all you but because you’ve kept them separate, it’s somehow becoming the shackles that stops all the you’s from uniting.

And that’s what needs to happen for all of your memories to return. You have to unite 24 year old you and 33 year old you. It’s only your sanity on the line.

Now that you’ve discovered a couple of things, the only way to go from here is to intentionally spark your memories—in any way. You have to. Because you know 33 year old you has started something...

You quickly tear your eyes from the video on screen to take a quick peak towards the hallway that leads to the bedrooms. You’ve visited the attic a few times because of all of the memories that are stored in there.

But those boxes are filled with more than just memories.

Your eyes go back to your phone in hand as your thumb hesitantly hovers over the screen. You know you should move on to another video but it almost feels like you don’t have it in you. You don’t have it in you to stop listening to the sound of your child’s laughter when you can’t recognize it.

You don’t have it in you to stop the possibility of triggering your brain to suddenly remember him.

You finally force your thumb to the screen and you quickly pause it. You take in a sharp breath before exiting the video to scroll through the five videos your mom sent you. You see Haru in all five. And you can see Jungkook in three of them. You chose one where you couldn’t see Jungkook.

But this video of Haru’s giggles feels just as heartbreaking but more than anything, it feels frustrating. Because you don’t know him.

And that feels like an unbearable heartache on its own.

Suddenly, your eyes bounce from the video thumbnails to the text your mom just sent you.

Mom 7:28am

Good morning! We’re our way to the station and should arrive in Seoul around 2pm. You’re still picking us up, right?

You slowly close your already drooping eyes, the moment way too brief before you open them again, glancing towards the living room windows where the obvious sunlight comes through. Another night you didn’t sleep. Your eyes battling your brain. You might get a few hours if you try to sleep now, at the least.

“I just don’t understand how you can drink those all day,” Your mother’s eyes go from the knife in her hand to the iced coffee in yours. “I know it’s got to be giving you heartburn.” She laughs a little while shaking her head, eyes going back down to the cutting board where she chops onions.

You blink at your mom before dropping your eyes to the coffee in your hand, “Wait, is this why?”

She chuckles again, “Must be from your dads side of the family.” She shrugs now, letting the onions slide off the board and into a pan.

You roll your eyes at your moms playful comment before sliding the coffee away from you as you sit at your kitchen island, “Anyway, dad’s kind of taking a while, no?” You glance around the kitchen as if he would suddenly appear here.

Your mom smiles to herself while her hands remain busy with cooking dinner, “Yeah, he’s waiting for me to text him saying he can come back from the store.”

You can’t help but snort since you know exactly what she means.

Back when you were a teenager and going through life’s woes that made the whole world feel like it was ending, you would have your meltdowns. Period cramps that made you moody, a friend talking behind your back, the boy you liked was seen kissing someone else. All the things your dad left your mom to handle. He would suddenly want to go to the store and she would somehow signal him when it was safe to return—after the two of you got to talk out whatever was bothering you.

You realize she’s done it now.

“You never used to take this long to tell me what was going on though.” Your mom says quietly, eyes trained on the stove. “Especially not about Jungkook.” She sighs as she reaches for the wooden spoon before stirring the ingredients.

You feel something sharp inside your chest, just at the mention of his name, like there’s a sharp knife.

You turn your face to the side, something uncomfortable and electric tightens your jaw. As if it’s a burning signal that even the mere mention of Jungkook, makes you want to cry. But you won’t. “Well, mom.” You take a deep breath before looking towards her again with a sarcastic smile. “Our marriage wasn’t exactly as perfect as you thought.”

You hope this is enough for her to realize that Haru’s disappearance wasn’t the wedge that created such distance between you and your now, ex-husband.

You stare at the back of your mom’s head as she stands at the stove, still cooking. You wonder if she’s in utter shock at the revelation that perhaps Jungkook isn’t perfect. And your marriage definitely wasn’t. You wait and wait. But you see how she starts adding in a few other things.

“I said—”

“—What marriage is perfect?” Your mom finally turns around, cutting you off with a raised brow. “I never thought that. I’ll never think that. About anyone.” She scoffs before turning towards the stove again. “I told you that you didn’t usually take this long to talk about Jungkook with me.”

You don’t say anything.

Your mom turns her head towards you for a moment, you see the corner of her lip barely start to lift, like a knowing smile wants to form but her frown decides not to budge, “You were married to him for years…you don’t think you’ve come to complain to me?”

You understand her almost smirk now. She faces forward towards the stove again.

“Maybe around six months before Haru’s…incident. You came to Busan and I could tell something was up and you needed to talk.” Your mom rests a hand on her hip, while the other reaches for the stove knob as she turns it down. “But just like now…” She turns her head to eye you again, her worries pulling her lips into a deeper frown. “You took a while to tell me.”

You don’t really react. Not as your brain processes this information.

Your mom continues, “So I know your marriage wasn’t perfect. Jungkook’s not perfect. You’re not perfect.” She exhales through her nose in a half laugh. “I’m not perfect. Your father’s not either. But what’s between us…it has to be protected.”

“Unless that person betrays you.” You say in a low voice, eyes going to your fingers as you pick at your cuticles. “And you lose your trust in them.”

You hear your mom at the stove again as she turns it off and puts the lid on the pan. After a moment you see your mother in your peripherals as she comes to the other side of the counter and sits next to you.

“You mentioned something similar back then.” She says quietly, her face looking ahead. “But then I thought…well, that you thought it wasn’t what you thought.”

You quickly turn your head in your moms direction, eyes on hers. What all did you say to her? “Well, it was.” You say firmly.

Your mom’s eyebrows pull together slowly, something similar to confliction rising in her eyes. “And how exactly did Jungkook betray you?” She asks after a moment.

And it feels pathetic, the feeling of all the muscles in your face betraying your collected appearance. So pathetic that the answer to this question makes your expression twist and break off the cracking mask that is now crumbling and falling from your face.

It takes less than an instant for your heartbreak to be written all over.

Your mom puts a hand to your back, letting you cry it out.

Just like you did when you were a moody teenager and the only one who understood your meltdowns was your mom. She lets you know that once again, that no matter how small or how big—you had every right to feel the way you wanted to.

You cry, a soft pat repeating on your back as you mumble how sad you are and how embarrassing this is.

This short cry feels more like relief in the right company rather than something that is rocking your world in the worst way.

Your mom chuckles a little, pulling away from you. “Embarrassing?”

“Yeah.” You nod with a shameless smile and damp cheeks. “I know you know the me that’s been married to him for years but in my eyes we’ve been on one date and he was our neighbor. So I feel like you should be teasing me about us but you’re here with more knowledge about my marriage than me.” You laugh as you cry more, “So it’s a bit embarrassing.”

“Hm,” Your mom chuckles again, “I guess I can understand that.”

You nod while your fingers wipe beneath your eyes repeatedly, they’re only teary now.

Your mom brings her hand away from you, her fingers intertwining on top of the counter. You watch as she stares down at her hands in thought before she finally sighs and turns your way with a small smile. “Talk to me, y/n. You’re convinced Jungkook betrayed you in some way—ways I can only assume—but tell me, do you really think he’s capable of what you’re thinking?”

You study your mother’s expression for a long moment, brows beginning to furrow when you realize she doesn’t buy it. Tearing your eyes away from her, your lips twist in annoyance, “Are you saying I shouldn’t believe in my own memories?”

You hear your mom sigh again, “You remembered something unpleasant, y/n. I’m not saying I don’t believe you…but even back then,” She pauses, hoping you will look at her but you don’t. She finally continues, “Things just didn’t add up…”

You’re quick to find her eye again, “What all did I tell you?”

At this, your mother scoffs lightly, her small smile still on her lips. “Nothing that really made sense. Seemed like you just…couldn’t tell me things. But I’m not dumb, you know? You drop plenty of hints when you get talking.”

“Oh.” You blink at her, wishing you could even remember whatever hints she’s referring to.

“But the issue is that you stopped talking. You got quiet.” Your mother looks back at her hands again, her gaze hardening. “Then when Haru’s incident happened…you shut us all out. Everyone…” She whispers, lines between her brows forming, a hint of disappointment in her voice that doesn’t go unnoticed by you. “Even Jungkook.”

You can’t help but feel that same knife start slicing open the inside of your chest at the mention of his name again. “Probably because it’s his fau—”

“—He lost Haru too, y/n.” Your mom cuts you off, her eyes that are filled with something close to anger land on you. “You both did and what’s worse is that you both lost one another in the process.”

“I don’t remember the process but I’m sure I had a hard time even looking him in the eye.” You spit out. “You don’t know what happ—”

“—Do you?” She throws back at you. “Because you have yet to give me a story that makes even a little sense.”

Your heart starts screaming like someone just squeezed it way too hard. You force yourself to look away because tears that no one invited start to form. You feel done with this conversation but before you can announce its over, your mom sighs again and her palm rests against your back and you don’t have it in you to shove her off.

“I’m sorry.” She mutters softly, almost sounding regretful. “I am. You have no idea…” You feel her hand slowly retreat from your back, “How sometimes I would just pray you wouldn’t get your memories back. So you wouldn’t…”

Your mother’s voice grows much softer, almost too quiet to hear.

“Seeing you heartbroken all over again hurts us, y/n. I thought it would be easier…for you. But I guess it’s just easier for us.” She admits, a sharpness in her tone that indicates her regret. “There’s no way you would live happier if parts of you felt missing.”

You feel her words stick to your skin uncomfortably, like sweat from the hot sun rather than a run you worked for. It’s unpleasant but also unwelcomed.

Unwelcomed because you don’t want to accept a life where that could be the case—forced to live a life even with parts of you missing.

An uncomfortable reality and possibility.

“More than…” You begin, hands lifting to gesture towards nothing. “This is more than just Jungkook.”

Your mom chuckles to herself. “Of course I know that.”

“I’m starting to wonder what would feel worse,” You glance towards your empty hands before your fingers clutch nothing softly. “Remembering my child. Or not remembering my child.” Then your lips curl into a half smile that feels so empty as you silently cringe toward yourself, “It doesn’t even feel right saying ‘my’…” you immediately halt, teeth suddenly piercing into your bottom lip. You don’t even feel right calling Haru ‘your’ child. Because you don’t feel like his mother.

You try to keep the half smile plastered on your face but the sharp shock of tears that fill your eyes betray your wants. You quickly blink them away.

“I want to hate Jungkook so bad for so many reasons,” You admit before clearing your throat, “But I mostly hate him because at least he would recognize our sons laugh while I don’t. I hate him because I blame him but at least he knows the kid that I hate him for.”

Also an uncomfortable reality.

“Well,” Your mothers tone lets you know she’s about to change the subject. “You had a doctor’s appointment recently, right? How did it go?”

You shake your head, “He said the progress can be really slow…and that it’s normal for the brain to block out certain traumatic events. So much…” You pause.

“So much what?”

You sigh, “So much doesn’t make sense. It has me feeling so restless.”

“I’m sorry.” Your mom releases a shaky breathy before you hear her voice crack. “I’m so sorry.”

“You know what’s the worst part?” You decide to keep the venting session going. “I just feel ashamed. I’m a parent but I don’t even know about it. I feel so lost. I don’t think if I was given a child I could—”

“This doesn’t make you less of a mother, y/n.” Your mom snaps her eyes in your direction, a fierceness in them. “You are still a parent. A damn good one at that.”

You study your mother’s expression with a fondness, because you see her sincerity. This makes your eyes sting again. “Thanks, mom.”

After a nice weekend with your parent’s, you decide you’ve been resting enough. You want to start working again, having too much time on your hands seems like a problem nowadays. You find yourself back at that new café.

“I’ll take a honey lavender latte.” You tell the girl at the counter, her eyes immediately widening before she nods her head in approval.

“Great choice. A personal fav.” She grins before continuing, “And I make it the best.”

A new voice joins in from behind, startling you. “Make that two.” A man says. You quickly turn around, eyes rising towards the same man you spilled coffee on. “Oh, it’s you.”

He brings a hand to his heart, “I’m a you? That means you remember me!” He smiles at you, shaking his dark hair from his eyes.

You bite your lip, guilt sinking in from the last time. “Well, I thought you were gonna press charges for burning you last time. So, I guess I would remember.”

He looks taken aback, his eyes going round. “Press charges?” Then he laughs, “No, no. I wouldn’t do that, who wants to deal with cops, anyway?”

“Just the two lattes?” The girl at the counter speaks up in a sing song voice and you immediately spin in your spot to apologize to her but the man beats you to it while he pulls out his wallet.

“Should we get a cookie too?” He asks you, his head tilting a little and you start shaking your head. “You sure?” He smiles.

You’re the one taken aback. This guy is too kind. You wonder if he’s like this with everyone.

“Seokjin, you are going to buy us out again.” The girl sighs as she smiles before glancing at you. “He ordered us all out just yesterday.”

“It was for the elderly! You know they get a little cranky if they don’t get something a little sweet to eat! Hasn’t it brought more customers? You could say thank you.” He gets playfully defensive, pout on his lips and the girl gives a shrug while nodding. “Well, it does make my boss happy. And if he’s happy,” She leans over the counter and whispers. “It’s a better day for everyone.” Then she giggles.

“See!” Seokjin crosses his arms like he’s still offended. “I’m just trying to help you all have a better day!”

You guess he is this nice to everyone.

And before you know it, he’s taking out his card and paying for the drinks. You realize it but it’s too late.

“You didn’t have to pay for that…” You mumble, hand paused on your own wallet. “But thank you.”

“Hopefully you’ll have an even better day too.” He smiles at you and it feels warm.

You take a moment to get a good look at him and you realize just how handsome he is. You remember his chest and broad shoulders from last time but now you see just how full and plump his lips are but you also like his brown eyes.

He smiles at you again.

You’re staring.

“See you around, I guess.” Seokjin puts his wallet back into his back pocket before walking off towards a table near a window.

You know his name but he doesn’t know yours and that feels a little bit like a shame.

But there’s no time for harmless nice guys giving you warm smiles. You’re here to work. Or actually here to retrain yourself on how to do your work.

Your job agreed to help you relearn everything so today, you’re going to sit at a table and get trained. And the girl you knew from college that works at your job will be in contact with you if you have any questions. Mijoo. Apparently you two were a bit acquainted before you started working from home.

When you find a table near the bookshelves, you get to work. There’s updates on old programs you were familiar with but there’s new ones too. Plus, the market is a bit different. It’s a lot to learn but you think you’ll get the hang of it quickly. Just like you did back in the day when you were just starting out.

Two hours or more has passed and you’re buried in your work. But you see a man in your peripherals and a cookie wrapped in parchment paper suddenly on the table right next to your laptop.

You look up and Seokjin gives you that same warm smile before it turns sheepish. “I ended up ordering two for myself a little while ago but I’m too full. You can have it. Well…well, only if you want it, of course.”

You blink up at him before you look at the cookie.

“It’s okay, if you don’t!”

Your eyes go to him again and you shake your head before you give him your own smile. “No, no!” You tell him quickly, “I-I’ll take it. Thank you.”

“Oh.” His lips form the perfect ‘o’ and he gives you a nod. “Nice. See ya.” And he’s smiling again before walking out of the café.

His entire aura is warm and you realize you appreciate people like him even more now. With how cold life has been.

After a long day of sitting at the café, you’re now sitting on the floor of your dusty attic. It’s gotten easy to figure out which boxes were stored here by your own hands and which boxes are the ones that Jungkook packed up to avoid you seeing your life. It’s mostly obvious because Jungkook’s packing is much more organized than yours.

You wonder if this box of framed photos in front of you is so neat because he looked at each one slowly, taking his time as he looked at the memories he knew you wouldn’t remember.

You wonder if he took his time because he misses Haru.

And because he missed you.

You manage to conceal a bitter scoff as you lift your foot and push it flat against the box, forcing it back a few inches. Your concern isn’t Jungkook right now. Stop thinking about him. Stop looking at your photos with him. Stop looking at the life you lived with him.

Right now those are your priority.

A strained sigh leaves your mouth as you eye the boxes you’ve dragged to the other side of the attic. You’ve been trying to organize everything in here so you know what’s what. Eyes slide to the left where all your household memories are. Then they slowly drag across the attic, passing by an old, dusty desk to the right side where your personal mystery boxes are.

It’s taken a few days to really separate everything. Because this attic has more than just some boxes of memories and boxes of mysteries. It also has a few too many creepy crawlers hanging in the corners. And things you’re sure 33 year old you wanted to sell and get rid of.

Buzz.

Your eyes suddenly shoot down to your phone when it lights up and vibrates the attic floor, already seeing that it’s another message from Misuk in the group chat with her and Subin.

Last you checked they were gushing over a new song from an artist they like who you barely even know so you don’t rush to really look. Your eyes stay on the screen until the light dims and it goes black.

You’d be lying if you said you wish you didn’t have help. Someone to guide you to some answers.

Another strained sigh before a half assed chuckle barely rumbles in your chest.

Well, ‘someone’ could guide you to some answers. And that someone is 33 year old you but unfortunately you don’t understand majority of what you’ve found. As if only parts of the puzzle are in these boxes, just edges and corner pieces and you’re missing all the pieces that fill everything in.

Your eyes still linger on the black screen as they begin to lose focus as your mind whirls into your endless list of questions again. The boxes of mysteries are only three boxes. One of them having nothing to do with your son, you think. But the other two have caused some concern.

Something tells you that 33 year old you is really not convinced that your son is dead.

It’s clear you were investigating on your own. But your notes barely make sense. And it is more than fucking frustrating.

You’re about to close your eyes and groan but your phone suddenly lights up again as you feel a slight vibration next to your foot. It’s another text but it doesn’t look like its apart of the group chat.

You squint at the screen but it’s too far to really read anything so you finally give in and reach for the device and bring it closer to your face. And then you feel the sudden thump in your lower belly where your heart just landed.

Jungkook 9:19pm

How are you doing?

A razor sharp sting tightens every muscle in your body, the sudden tension making your breaths stop.

More than a month and a half since you’ve last seen and spoken to him and he’s finally said something to you.

Finally because as much as you hate him, his existence makes you breathe. And you have to breathe to live.

Buzz.

Your hand vibrates along with your phone and you suddenly clench your fingers around it.

Jungkook 9:19pm

I wanted to tell you how sorry I am.

Your heart suddenly leaps up into your throat, choking you a bit as you try to breathe. Is that a confession? It already bothers you that he barely tried to explain himself and now he’s been silent all this time. And now he’s apologizing? He’s guilty, isn’t—

Buzz.

Jungkook 9:20pm

I just wish you would talk to me y/n…

That concealed scoff from earlier has finally broken free, pushing past your lips in something like disgust. Talk to him? Talk to him? You feel an uncomfortable anger start poking your skin from the inside and you squeeze your phone harder in you hand. The fucking audacity.

There’s a brief moment when you consider chucking your phone across the attic but fortunately you only slam it to the floor. Frustration still hot on your skin, you quickly reach for a worn out decorative pillow and hurl it in front of you with a lot of strength, knocking against the old desk as it wobbles for a moment.

You release a short puff of air, head lowering and eyes closing as you try to calm yourself. You’ll admit, it did feel kind of good to release some en—

Thump.

Your eyes snap open as you tilt your head up towards the desk where the sudden sound just came. Did something fall inside? But what? You had checked the desk before. The top drawer only had a few pens and some sticky notes while the bottom drawer was empty minus some loose sheets of printer paper. And the left side of the desk is just two empty book shelves. It is basically empty.

It was probably nothing.

You’re about to move on, mind already wanting to go back to Jungkook when the sudden thump just can’t make sense. Something with some weight definitely fell in or on the desk, right? But you’re sure there’s nothing from when you checked the other week.

Doesn’t hurt to look again, you decide. Maybe this is your intuition talking to you.

You finally lift yourself from the attic floor, giving one last look at the boxes that are filled with your life with Jungkook and Haru before heading towards the middle where the desk is. It’s got an impressive layer of dust that you haven’t found any real reason to clean since the desk isn’t something you’d visit often.

Giving in, you reach for the top drawer and open it, just like you had the other week, but just like last time, the drawer only has three pens, some used sticky notes with doodles and numbers lying around and one black marker.

You knew there was nothing. Shutting the drawer, you quickly open the bottom drawer. It’s a deeper space, like you could fit a small filing cabinet. But instead, there’s only a few loose sheets of blank printer paper.

Not convinced, you shove your hand inside the drawer, feeling around for anything strange and even trying to reach behind but you’re met with nothing. Okay. You step away from the desk for a moment, eyeing it suspiciously because you’re certain something with more weight than any of those things fell. And fell here.

There’s nothing else here besides this raggedy pillow. You glance down at it, the pathetic thing on the floor before you groan, kicking it away from you.

So what? You just imagine all kinds of things now? Is that the new normal?

Suddenly not minding the thick layer of dust, you lean forward in defeat, hands gripping the edge of the desk as you support some of your weight onto it but the desk wobbles forward on its probably broken, unsteady legs. And you know you don’t imagine it when something with some weight definitely shifts inside.

“Uh, what was that…?” You mumble to yourself, eyebrows coming together slowly as you take another look at the desk. Your eyes immediately fall to the left side where the two empty shelves are. It definitely came from this side.

You quickly squat down, eyes trained on the shelves, inspecting every single inch of the empty and terribly dusty space. “Don’t tell me…” You whisper, expression highly focused as you look at the back panel of the shelves. The shelving space is not nearly as deep as of the width of the desk.

You blink at it, breaths now falling from your lips faster as your fingers quickly go to touch the backing panel and when it wiggles freely with enough pressure, you know you’ve found something. Feeling impatient, you jostle the thin wood around until you can figure out how to remove it.

And when it starts poking through the side of the shelf, your heart starts racing while you quickly slide the panel through the wooden desk. You feel it. Maybe it’s instinct because somewhere in your brain you know this is familiar and means something. The panel drops to the floor once its slid out but before it even touches, your hands are already digging inside.

“Okay, okay, okay.” You repeat with shaky breaths. Fingers already grasping what’s here and you feel yourself growing more and more anxious. A shoe box. An open shoe box that’s close to overflowing. You pull it out while you sit down onto the floor, the box settling right in front of you.

“Okay,” You sigh, reaching for the first item on top. It’s a small note book, the kind you’d use to make a check list of sorts. You take a deep breath before flipping it open and a few loose contents fall out. And then you feel the breath of a ghost at the base of your neck.

You pick up a folded sheet of paper along with a bent photo of Nabi. You feel the cold breath travel down your spine as you unfold the paper and read what’s written in someone else’s handwriting.

Yun Nabi

118, Seolleungro-150, Yongsan-gu, Seoul

010-6203-3087

010 3476 9876àweekends

010 9874 3456 new ##

You stare down at the worn paper, confusion clouding your mind. You want to rip her photo to shreds.

You quickly glance to the bent photo in your other hand and before you tell your hand what to do, it’s already crumbling it. Your dark gaze set on the now wrinkled woman who managed to gain Jungkook’s attention.

Maybe it’s not her fault if she’s great.

Maybe it’s your fault.

Your eyes stay trained on the crumbled photo but they’ve lost focus once again. Soon the balled up picture and the folded note fall to your lap as Numbness hugs you over your shoulders and as Insecurity sits next to you and whispers into your ear.

Why did Jungkook cheat on you?

You manage to blink but your throat feels dry.

Why did he do that to you? Why would anyone…?

You want to laugh at yourself. Because you know if this happened to anyone else you would know it wasn’t their fault. The person who cheated…it’s about them and no one else. And you want to tell yourself this, remind yourself, confirm that this isn’t your fault.

But why do you sit here, letting Numbness hug you tighter? And why do you sit here and wonder?

You wonder…you wonder where you went wrong that you were no longer enough for him.

And it doesn’t feel fair that you’re wondering that.

You take the photograph and crumple it even more before throwing it to the side and decide to open the notebook. And you see more puzzle pieces.

Routine

7 he wakes up….sometimes 8

Jungkook takes him to work sometimes for fun

Someone at work?? Who? Another list

Daycare usually Mondays & Thursdays for sure

Busiest days at work

You flip the page

Thursday the 14th, at the bus station,

The 18th when I was going home

There was a car parked outside on the street for 3 days

The 5th

The 8th

The 12th I ran into someone who knew me but I didn’t know them

A man with buzzed hair

Something hot bubbles inside your chest and it feels like it’s burning you. Anxiety has a touch of fire. You flip to the next page.

It just scribbles like you were frustrated.

Just like you are now.

You decide to close to the notebook. Discomfort swallowing you like a dry pill.

But you don’t stop looking through the box. Pictures of people you don’t know. More lists of times and dates. But no context. More frustration building.

Your head snaps up suddenly when you recall something falling so you quickly reach inside the secretive hole in the desk and feel around. Your fingers grasp at nothing until something cold is felt. You can tell what it is immediately as you wrap your fingers around the device. A phone.

You take the cold, shiny device in your clammy hands and rush to turn it on but it’s got a dead battery. You turn the phone upside down to check what kind of charger it takes and remember that downstairs in the kitchen there’s a drawer of random charging cables.

You need to get this thing turned on. Now.

“Are you okay?” You immediately straighten your back, phone dropping to the attic floor, the sudden voice a shock since you live alone. You quickly look around you, eyes darting from place to place but of course, there’s no one here. You feel sick. Especially because…didn’t that voice sound like—

“Are you okay?” Jungkook comes next to you, his eyes avoiding yours but he can’t hide the concern in his voice. You look at him, equally annoyed as he is. But still, you hear in his voice he doesn’t totally hate you.

“It’s fine.” You mumble, fingers picking at the bandage wrapped around your palm. “It just got scraped.”

Jungkook chuckles humorlessly, “Misuk said Subin threw up in her mouth because of the blood.”

You shrug, “Okay, it was pretty bad.”

Jungkook stays silent and the same tension that’s been building since Sana’s wedding is here again. You, Jungkook, Misuk and Subin came to Busan for the weekend to celebrate your mom’s birthday but today, the day of the party, has been anything but fun. One thing after the other, but the cherry on top was around 20 minutes ago when you accidentally sliced your palm open while helping in the kitchen.

Now you’re outside trying to cool off but the last person you want to see has come to check on you.

“Does it hurt?” Jungkook stares up at the tree you two are standing in front of outside your house. He doesn’t bother to try and soften his tone. Sure, it’s concerned but it’s also irritated.

“I told you it’s fine.” You answer, sounding clipped. “Just go back inside.”

“You’re mad at me if I’m inside. You’re mad at me if I’m outside.” He stuffs his hands in his front jean pockets and continues gazing at the tall tree. “I really don’t understand why you’re so up—”

“—Oh? You don’t?” You turn your head to glare at him, “Really?”

You watch Jungkook’s profile, his jaw tightening for a moment before he sighs out.

“I don’t know.” He tells you before turning to face you as well. Your eyes are narrowed but he sees plenty of disappointment in them. “Maybe I do. But I also seriously don’t.”

You look down to the ground, a moment of consideration because you kind of understand him. But then you recall last night and realize that no, he definitely should understand why you’re mad.

Things have changed between you two. Ever since Sana’s wedding, there’s been something different and enticing. Moments that feel way too charged to be platonic. But neither of you have spoken up about it. Maybe he’s afraid you don’t feel it. Or maybe you’re now just realizing you’re afraid he is the one who doesn’t feel it.

Because how doesn’t he understand that having his last serious girlfriend from Busan in your parents living room while they flirt with one another relentlessly in front of you, is not going to make you mad?

“You don’t think flirting with your ex-girlfriend in front of me wasn’t going to make me mad, Jungkook?” You throw the words at him without much care for his reaction. It’s an honest question, in your book.

“Okay,” Jungkook tilts his head back before running his hands through his hair, “So this is about Hanja.” He groans a little before giving in and taking a step closer to you. “I didn’t think it was a big deal…and you call her my ex girl-friend as if she doesn’t have a name. Hanja told me she had a lot of classes with you in High School!”

“And?” You deadpan. “Doesn’t make us friends.”

“Okay.” He nods but now he’s the one with disappointment in his eyes. “But that doesn’t mean you had to be rude.”

“You invited her to my mom’s birthday party!” You throw back, “And have barely even…” It sucks that your voice gets a little softer because you just want to make a point. “You’ve barely even looked at me since she’s been here.”

Jungkook’s lips part and he looks conflicted as he registers your words but you don’t wait for him to get it before you continue.

“Sure,” You manage a stubborn shrug, “Maybe you’re not flirting with her but you don’t stop her when she does with you.”

Jungkook’s brows furrow, “She hasn’t flirted with me, y/n.” He tries to assure you, his tone finally not irritated but instead the same soft as yours. “We just have history, you know? But that was what? 5 years ago? 6? 7? I don’t even know. We ended on good terms so I thought it was harmless. She’s in town too and had nothing to do…I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

“I just…” You finally meet his eye for the first time more willingly, “I don’t know.”

He finally relaxes his features and a pleasantly pleased smile starts tugging at the corner of his lips, “You’re…jealous.” He confirms softly.

You raise a brow at him, feeling annoyed. “So then you do understand why I’m mad.”

“Yeah.” He agrees but you see the uncertainty in his eyes. “But I wasn’t sure. Maybe hoping but I couldn’t be sure, you know?”

“Did you want me to be jealous?” You ask, unsure how that makes you feel but you see genuine and quiet panic all over his face while he shakes his head.

“No, no.” He tells you with big eyes. “But when I realized you were mad at me, I thought it could be because you were jealous. And,” He pauses, swallowing what you think is nerves. “That’s why I became hopeful, I guess.”

“And why is that?” A cool breeze suddenly picks up and it feels nice against your cheeks.

“Because it might mean…” His words grow quieter, seeking your understanding of where he was going. “But without being direct…well, I can’t really be sure, you know?”

“Then why can’t we be direct?” You gesture between your bodies, “I like you, Jungkook.” It doesn’t take a lot of effort to say it, to admit it, but it does take a lot of effort to not tear your eyes away from him in embarrassment. But your gaze remains on his.

“And there’s no way I’m imagining—”

“—You aren’t!” Jungkook panics, his fingers flying to your wrists, holding on to them as he persuades your eyes to remain on his again. “You aren’t imagining it. I know it, too.” He tells you but he looks and sounds conflicted.

“For months, Jungkook.” You say quietly, “I’ve been wondering for months if you’re going to make a real move on me.”

He can’t help but smile at you nervously, his clammy fingers still pressing into your wrists. “I just…” Jungkook’s smile begins dropping as he explains himself, “…I’m so afraid of talking about this because it might change our friendship and you’re just,” He pauses, eyes searching yours because he needs to see if you understand. “You’re too important, y/n.”

“You’d rather never tell me how you feel because it might change our friendship?” You ask him, ignoring the fire burning along the edges of your skin. “You would rather spend forever just wondering if I feel the same as you? Just like I’ve been wondering if you feel the same as me? Too afraid to talk about it because it…might change our friendship?”

Jungkook’s fingers finally disconnect from your skin and into his hair, his nerves only multiplying but he finds the courage to say, “If you didn’t feel the same, things would change.”

“If I didn’t feel the same then things wouldn’t have changed in the first place. Jungkook, things have already changed. And I don’t like wondering. We’re already past platonic so I’ll tell you—”

Suddenly, your head starts pounding.

A new memory unlocked.

And it only makes you sit on your attic floor and cry.

Great timing.

Your fingers feel frozen, maybe even numb as you dig through another random kitchen drawer to find the correct charger for the phone you’ve found. So far you haven’t been lucky. Then again, nothing feels lucky. You’ve been quiet to yourself all day after last night. Not even a thought out loud.

Your eyes grow watery again but you immediately slam your lids shut, squeezing tightly because you refuse to shed anymore tears. You might have to buy a new charger but you really aren’t in the mood to leave the house. You aren’t in the mood for anything except maybe hurling more old, worn out, decorative pillows at dusty furniture. But now you feel afraid for what you might find. The more mysteries you unlock, you’re afraid to unlock a memory along with it.

It's evening now, the kitchen clock says 6:13pm. The day has gone by. You watched the sun rise this morning and now you’re witnessing it set. You have yet to find it in you to sleep today. Maybe you’re afraid you’ll slip into your bed that you once shared with Jungkook and suddenly you’ll remember all the times you’ve slept in it with him. You can’t afford any more of that. Just yesterday you were begging 33 year old you to share some of the life you’ve missed and now that she is sharing some of the years…you’re realizing you aren’t ready.

You take a deep breath, shutting a drawer shut when you decide to order a new charging cable for the phone. Your eyes slide to the device that rests peacefully on the counter while your heart beats uncomfortably in your throat. You stare at it, wondering what contents lie inside but a part of you feels fearful of what you might find.

Taking another breath, you wrap your arms around yourself, hugging yourself for a moment before you decide to take care of this. Sitting yourself at the kitchen island, opening your laptop, you search the phone and get the cable ordered for delivery tomorrow. This is better than driving yourself nuts trying to find it.

You close your eyes, resting your head down to the counter, wishing you could turn your day around.

Ding Dong.

Your eyes snap open.

And something unsettling starts whirling in your belly. As if you can sense who is at your door.

Knock Knock Knock.

You groan quietly to yourself because you just know. You know exactly who it is for some insane reason. You just feel it. You stand from the stool and walk yourself to your front door. Swinging it open without even peeping through the hole to confirm your suspicions.

Jungkook’s doesn’t look too good. For as handsome as he is, he looks rough. His skin is dry, his lips are pale and the bags under his eyes give away how much sleep he isn’t getting. You don’t care though. Not about him. Your fingers grip around the door frame tighter, your skin burning at the sight.

“I just wanted to see how you were.” He tells you, voice so quiet you had to read his lips. You want to scoff bitterly in his face, shut him out and make him feel thrown away.

But your foot pushes the front door further open as you turn around to go into the living room. You’ve invited him in. Though, ‘invited’ feels like a strong word.

You can hear the door creak open even furth from behind you, shoes are shuffling onto the floor and the door clicks shut. You hold your breath as you walk to the sofa, sitting yourself down at the very end of it as your eyes glue themselves to the black screen of the TV.

Jungkook follows your lead and sits at the other end of the couch. In your peripherals, he looks like a big, black scribble of a thousand swirling lines and you don’t have it in you to focus your eyes on him and let him appear as Jungkook. As a person. So, you keep your eyes on the TV.

Nothing is said between you both for a long while, all your senses are heightened though as you anticipate his next words to you. The hairs on your arms rise when the click of the AC goes off as it turns on. You wonder if his next words have to do with apologizing about cheating on you. Apologize to you that you just couldn’t be enough. Apologize to you for losing your son.

Your head slightly tilts in the direction of the kitchen when you notice the soft drip drops of water from the faucet. The distant bark from a small dog. Jungkook’s fingernails scratching his forearm. Every noise is going off in your ears, haunting you, taunting you and driving you insane.

You only want to hear his voice.

“Why are you here?” You finally break the noisy silence.

“To see you.” He says, voice quiet and afraid. “You’re doing better than me, huh?”

Your palms are flat against the couch cushion before you slowly curl your fingers, grabbing nothing of the material at his words. “Do you really think you get to say that to me?”

“This isn’t fair for either of us, y/n.” Jungkook has the audacity to keep speaking. “You just don’t understand.”

You twist your head to eye him, your jaw tight as you watch him sit on the sofa, eyes cowering away from yours. “You’ll stop talking now.” You tell him as your voice becomes quiet and afraid as well. You’re livid but you speak like you’re hurt.

“Then…” Jungkook pauses, his eyes going all around the living room now before he sighs. “Then I’ll just listen.”

You push your head back in disbelief, “I didn’t ask you to come here so I can talk to you. In fact, I didn’t ask you to come here at all.”

He finally turns his head toward you, his eyes are red and watery and you hate that you hate seeing him on the verge of tears. You watch his throat as you pay attention to the hard way he swallows. “I know. But I had to see you.”

Suddenly, your head starts pounding, a harsh banging from inside your forehead. You quickly let your head fall into your hands when those words keep repeating inside your mind. I know. But I had to see you. I know. But I had to see you. I know. But I had to see you.

You groan into your hands. The pain erupting on all sides of your head. The words repeating over and over, making your ears feel like they’re bleeding. I know. But I had to see you.

“y/n?” You hear Jungkook’s quiet and afraid voice.

I know. But I had to see you.

“I thought you didn’t want to see me…” Jungkook’s eyes are blood shot. You know he’s been drinking again.

“I know.” You mutter, “But I had to see you.”

“Oh.” He stumbles backward, his hand widening his front door to his new, shitty apartment. You feel anger bubbling, because you know he’s drunk. You’re doing everything in your power to keep it together and he’s wasting his time drinking.

“You’ve shut out Jimin.” You tell him, cutting to the chase. “So you don’t know anything, do you?”

“W-What’s there to know? I don’t need them anymore. Also, I was fucking fired.”

You snap your eyes to his as he still stands at his open doorway. “You’re pissing me off, Jungkook.”

“I can do this on my—”

“—They’re closing the case.” You say. “They’re saying he’s…that he’s…” You pause, throat growing drier. “You know.”

“I don’t know.” Jungkook drunkenly shrugs, slamming the door shut, making you flinch. “They’re all wrong, anyway.”

You feel your shoulders growing tenser, your lips in a hard, thin line before they die into a frown. “They’re saying we should hold a funeral.”

Jungkook’s body goes still, his hanging arms at his sides suddenly rise to his face when he rubs his temples. “Excuse me?”

“They want to—”

“Just stop!” He suddenly cries out, voice shrill. You see his eyes growing redder and redder as tears fill them up. “None of you know what you-you’re talking about. Just shut up, all of you!”

You flinch.

Jungkook’s fingers go into his hair when he starts pulling on the strands. “This just isn’t right.” He keeps muttering to himself, “I got this. I got this. I got this.” He starts pacing back and forth in front of his coffee table. “Just stop. Stop talking.”

You stand in silence.

“I said stop talking!”

You watch him unravel.

“Jung—”

Glass breaks across the coffee table. A shattered soju bottle that he’s thrown.

You flinch again.

You take a step back.

Jungkook falls to the floor, crying and yelling at no one. The loss of your son is much worse than you could have imagined. But you knew telling Jungkook about the funeral was going to cause something more serious to unravel. But you didn’t imagine this.

“y/n?” Jungkook voice sounds sober now. “y/n?”

Your head is about to split into sections, the pain so overwhelming.

You lift your face from your hands, your cheeks overflowing with tears. Why did you have to remember that?

“Hey,” Jungkook stands from the sofa and comes closer to you. His hand hesitantly landing on your shoulder but just like in your memory, you flinch. He immediately frowns. “y/n…” He brings his hand back to his body. “Talk to me, I’ll just listen.”

“G-go.” You keep your head low as your eyes stay glued to your lap. “Please just go.”

His hands freeze at his sides, using all of his self-control. Even you can feel how tense his body is, just from the heat that radiates off of it. You’re being serious. He needs to go before you spiral into one of your throbbing headaches that give you a panic attack. The kind you can manage on your own—and prefer to.

“Please, Jungkook…” You squeeze your eyes shut. “I’m not feeling well now so pl—”

“—Okay.” His fingers curl into hard fists. “Call me if you need anything. Please.” He stands here for another moment, like his feet have become glued to the floor and he’s unable to move. But after a tentative sigh, they finally move. And your ears bleed again at each sound that can be heard. The click of the AC turning off, the small dog whining in your neighbor’s yard, each drip of water dropping from the faucet and finally the whoosh of the front door opening and closing shut. And you finally let go a long, long breath.

Your head hurts and your heart hurts, the memory fresh in your mind. You never imagined to see Jungkook…like that. You barely recognized him. Does he have a drinking problem? Or did? You need to erase these images in your head, or at least scatter something pretty over them. And that’s when you get an idea that you know is pure torture.

One of the boxes from the attic is sat on your living floor, with your bottom plopped right next to it. It’s a box you organized yourself, you can tell. Just a box of intimate memories with your ex-husband. You pull out a letter you’ve read at least six times now…might as well make it seven.

The envelope is pink with little hearts drawn all over it and though it’s only eight years old, it looks like it’s at least 20. The envelope itself is wrinkly with random water stains and the page inside is soft and used like you’ve read this letter a thousand times. Might as well make it a thousand and one.

You slip the paper out of the envelope, unfolding it carefully, the crinkling paper opening up with Jungkook’s handwriting written all over.

April 10 2015

Dear y/n,

Hi it’s me, your boooooyfriend. >.< sorry I’m still getting used to it. You’re probably wondering why I’m writing a letter when I could just call or text you but you seemed to think it was cute in that movie we watched the other day and so Im writing you one too!! Also, I think my peers are thinking Im working really hard on a case. I wish I was but they won’t give me anything good. I know it hasn’t even been a year since I finally landed here in the Investigation sector as a detective but they still treat me like such a rookie…blaaaahhhhh you know this already. The captain seems to think I have potential though. But ya know what? The guys here said the only thing ive done right so far is getting you as a girlfriend hahaha

Maybe they’re right I mean they’re definitely right

I miss you so much

Im sitting here at my desk writing you and its just making me miss you a kabillzillion times more…….i seriously aaaaahhhh im going crazy because I miss you that much

Im so lucky youre so amazing and my favorite person to exist and so pretty so pretty

I know we’ve only been together for a short while but what if I told you I know exactly how I feel about yoooouuuuu huh what if

Ask me about it when I see you tonight

Love,

Jungkook Your cheerios

You read it. Then you read it again. This is the Jungkook you want to remember.

It’s the next day and you’re opening the package you ordered just yesterday. Pulling out a small box, you get it open and unravel the charging cable to the phone you’ve found. Taking a look at the clock, you realize you’re a bit behind. You wanted to get to the café at noon for work but it’s already 15 after. You quickly plug the charger into the wall and get the phone charging. It’s dead so it’ll take a while to get turned on so you decide to leave it here while you head out.

The café is a bit busy today, more people than you’re used to, but thankfully you see an open table. You set up your laptop and get to work. Taking a pause to message Mijoo about needing some guidance if she can meet any of these days. It would be nice to have some help in person. After working for a bit, you can’t help but lift your face from the screen and dart your eyes around the place. No sign of Seokjin today. Not that it means anything but he’s got the kind of warm, reassuring smile that you could use these days.

And just like clockwork, the quiet bell dings when he walks through the café’s front door. He meets your eye immediately and gives you a small nod and the smile you were searching for. You nod back, eyes going back down to the laptop before you take another peak towards Seokjin. He’s walked up to the counter, talking with the young girl that’s always here. After a moment she hands him a box of what you assume are desserts. Maybe he’s giving them to the elderly again.

Then he walks out.

Oh, he isn’t staying today.

That’s okay, you don’t have time to chat with a harmless nice guy anyway. You have work to do. Something to truly get your mind off of everything else you’ve been going through. You think it’s a miracle you have it in you to try every day. In another universe, you might have already gone insane.

After working a little while longer, you pack your things up and head to your car. It’s a sunny day, barely any clouds in the sky and it feels warm. Warm enough to make you forget this coldness that lingers all around you, all inside you.

You start driving home when you remember you’re supposed to pick up a few groceries so you stop by the market first. It’s not too crowded and since you’re in an okay mood, you decide to put in your earphones and walk inside with a pep to your step. You needed zucchini…what else? Bread for sure was on your list. Peanut butter, eggs, oh yeah and some chips for when you get a craving.

You start heading to the aisle with peanut butter when you recognize someone familiar.

“Seokjin?” You mumble his name but he doesn’t hear you. His eyes fully focused on his jams. He stands here, deep in thought before he finally reaches for one.

“Hi.” You say a little louder and he jumps in his spot.

He turns to face you, ears turning red when he sees you. “Hi.” He stares at you dumbfounded for a moment, “I just realized I don’t know your name.” Then he chuckles.

You can’t help but crack a smile, “It’s y/n.”

“Ah, y/n. Yeah, that suits you.” He tells you confidently.

“Does it?”

“Do you usually shop here?” Seokjin gestures around the aisle, “I’ve never seen you before. Or are you…” He suddenly drops his smile and looks serious. “Following me?” Then he breaks into a huge smile before adding, “Dun, dun, duuuun.”

You feel your stomach swirl with something before you shake your head, feeling embarrassed. “No, no! I live around here actually. This is just a coincidence.”

“A coincidence, huh? A lot of those lately.” He gives you another smile, this time more teasing. “We should just meet on purpose, you know.”

You stand here, taken aback by his words. Is he implying meeting intentionally?

He seems to feel your shift. “Unless, unless…” His eyes avert yours now, his ears turning a deeper shade of red. “Sorry. Unless you don’t want to. Maybe you’re already seeing someone.”

You shake your head quickly, “No. I’m…I’m not.” You’re not but it feels wrong to say it. “But I wasn’t assuming…anything. Like, if you were implying a date or something.”

Seokjin pouts his lips before glancing up at the ceiling, “Why not? You would have been right.”

You blink at him, taken aback again. “Oh.”

“I happen to know a pretty great restaurant. Maybe we can not coincidentally meet there?”

He’s…asking you out.

And it pains you because… “I can’t. Sorry,” You look down at your feet before glancing towards the jams. “Umm, I’m kind of going through something and—”

“—Oh.” Seokjin nods his head quickly. “No, no. I understand…you don’t have to explain. I’m kind of going through something too and I know that a good way to get through it is some nice company every now and then.” He gives you a warm smile, all the teasing gone. “I understand you though. So don’t worry but…” He suddenly pats his pants pockets before looking delighted. “In case you change your mind…I’m learning to…how do they kids say…shoot my shot.” He suddenly pulls out a receipt and a pen and scribbles something on it before handing it to you.

His number.

“Just in case!” He cheeses harder.

“I honestly don’t think it’s a big deal.” Misuk looks at you through the camera, her face looking brighter. “It’s just a date!”

“It is a big deal.” You whine again, “I’m in love with someone else and I have a whole lot of mess going on.”

Subin nods her head sympathetically, “That’s true. But I think Misuk means it’s not a big deal because it could be…” She pauses, clearly thinking of the right words. It’s amusing to you to see they might agree on this. “A good thing? A simple thing! A little, you know, fun thing!”

“Exactly!” Misuk drags out the word, “You don’t have to fall in love but you’re so focused on…you know, your memories…that you aren’t living life.”

“Uh,” You begin to defend yourself, “I’m—”

“—Yes, yes.” Misuk waves you off, “You are getting back into work! And that’s good! But you really should start living a normal life again.”

“And…” Subin looks off camera, her eyes looking softer. “It’s kind of the same. You are missing your memories, yes, and I’m so sorry…but 33 year old you was the same. Divorced. And I don’t think you were in any headspace to even think about wanting Jungkook back.” She finishes quietly.

“You wanted nothing to do with him.” Misuk tells you. “So just live a little…you know, just normal things. And who knows, it might help with your memories.”

You sit still for a moment. You’ll admit that you haven’t exactly been living normally. You mostly sit around all day, alone, surrounding yourself with things you don’t understand and torture yourself with memories of Jungkook.

“Anyway, I’ll let you guys know if anything changes.” You chuckle after you focus your eyes on your friends again. “I just got home so I gotta put these groceries ...away" Your eye notices the list lying on the counter and you realize..."Damn, and I forgot the eggs. Anyway, I’ll call later!” You sing out.

“Okay! Bye!”

“Bye!” Subin sings back. And you end the call.

Maybe they’re right. Maybe you deserve a little break or something simple and fun. You bite your lip, thoughts still lingering but you decide to reach into your back pocket and pull out the receipt Seokjin gave you. You shake your head quickly but reach for your phone and input the number and press call. You need light in this darkness.

You hate feeling defeated.

Sitting on your sofa, blanket wrapped tightly around you as your hand clenches around this cold, empty and useless device.

The phone has either never been used or was completely wiped. You thought you could torture yourself with more information but you’ve come out of this empty handed. There’s nothing on here. No call history, no text history, no pictures or videos…nothing. You squeeze the phone harder, frustration still building. When your actual phone buzzes.

Your eyes shoot down to your now lit up phone and you drop the useless one to the couch cushion. It might be Subin gushing about this band she’s seeing this weekend. You’ll ignore—

Buzz.

You give in, reaching for your phone and your stomach does its usual uneasy swirling.

Jungkook 9:10pm

How are you feeling?

Jungkook 9:10pm

We don’t have to talk but at least tell me how youre doing…

Your eyes slam shut, the urge to cry too strong. Because you’re hurt. You’re hurting. You’re confused. You’re angry. And you’re sad.

Why are you so weak? You should delete him, block him and throw your whole phone away. Because your phone knows him and you don’t.

But you’re weak because you’re going to text back.

Except Jungkook beats you to it.

Jungkook 9:13pm

Did you get hit with a headache earlier? You okay? Have you seen your doctor lately?

All these questions are giving you different kind of headache.

You 9:13pm

Its fine, Im fine

You lie

Jungkook 9:13pm

Liar

You 9:14pm

Jungkook

You 9:14pm

Do you have a drinking problem?

You press send. You see the bubbles pop up your screen, indicating that he’s typing but they disappear. Then they reappear. And disappear again.

You 9:16pm

Jungkook?

Jungkook 9:16pm

Who told you that?

You feel your shoulders tense.

You 9:16pm

No one told me

You 9:17pm

I just remember when I went to your place…there was a lot of alcohol lying around and the place seemed rough

You 9:17pm

And idk I got thinking. Im not trying to accuse you or anything but…is what I saw…what I think it is?

You send. It’s not a total lie. Not what you’re referring to…but not a total lie.

You stare at the screen but there’s no indication if he’s read your message or not. No typing. Nothing. Your eyes glance at the clock and it reads 9:19pm now. It’s okay. Only two minutes. But why does it feel like eternity?

9:25pm and all you’ve done is sit, tightly wrapped in a blanket on your couch, and stare at your phone screen, touching the screen every time it times out. And still nothing.

But then you see bubbles pop up.

Back straightening, you breathe in and out as your eyes remain on the screen.

He’s been typing for three minutes.

You hold your breath now.

Jungkook 9:28pm

And if it is?

You let out a short breath, disbelief crawling all over your skin that you throw the blanket off of you and stand from the couch. Your memories are reliable.

You feel a sting pierce your eyes but you grit your teeth and hold any tears back. This is just too much for you to accept. You walk into the kitchen, frustration raging inside your body. You step up to the sink, hands gripping the edge of the counter before leaning forward, sighing out your anger.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Calming down, you immediately grab a bowl and sniffle to yourself. You’ll just do these dishes and forget all about this.

You take another bowl, the hot water burning your fingers and palms as you absentmindedly scrub it clean.

“Sometimes I think you wash clean dishes at this point.” Jungkook wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you into his chest.

You laugh, “Not true.”

“The water is too hot, baby.” He nuzzles his face into your neck, suddenly pecking it softly. “You’re going to melt the skin off your bones.”

You realize he’s right, the water is really hot but you were just lost in thought. Your wedding is in two days. You get out of your thoughts while you set the bowl back into the sink and turn the faucet off. “I’m just—”

“I know.” Jungkook nuzzles his nose into your warm skin. “I can’t believe you’re the one who’s nervous between us.”

You sigh, small smile on your face. “I’m not nervous. But I am, a little.”

“I know.”

“Not in a bad way.”

“I know that too.”

“In a…marrying the love of my life, wow life is crazy kind of way.” You dry your hands before twisting in Jungkook’s embrace and you lean in to kiss him. “You probably know what I mean.”

He laughs against your lips, “I would be the one who knows exactly what you mean.”

Your lips twist into a sheepish smile, “I missed you today.”

“I missed you more.”

You roll your eyes, a teasing smile forming now. “Liar.”

He looks surprised for a second before rolling his own eyes, “I’m serious.”

“You’re only serious about work nowadays.” You tease him, and you are mostly teasing. It’s only lately he’s been zeroed in on a case.

But Jungkook frowns, “It isn’t going well.” He admits to you. “I don’t know that we’ll get this one.”

“You will.” You lean forward more and nudge your nose against his, “You are the best there is.”

Jungkook chuckles, “Unfortunately I’m still in the ‘proving myself’ phase.”

“Here too.” You continue to tease him, “Still deciding if this wedding is happ—”

“—Heeeeey, don’t joke like that.” Jungkook nudges his nose against yours now, “Tell me I’m the best here too.”

Your hands trail down his chest, eyes focusing on his. “You are.”

“I wish Jimin would tell me that too.” He laughs a little but you know he’s serious. You take his hands in yours.

“You guys are new at being partners. Give it time, babe.”

“He hates me.” Jungkook sighs, “He thinks I mess everything up. And honestly, I can’t blow this one, y/n. The captain believes in me, which is good but my own partner doubts me.”

You understand this is hard for Jungkook to accept.

“Listen…” You give his hands a squeeze. “This is your first big one, right? Take it slow and I know you won’t get flustered like the last one.”

He immediately drops his hands from yours, “I can’t get like how I was with the last one.” Jungkook takes a step away from you, “This one is way too serious…the men I’m dealing with, y/n…you have no idea. I can’t mess this up.”

“Baby…” You feel bad for bringing up the last case he took with Jimin. He got too involved emotionally and when things didn’t end up well for the victim…”It’s okay. You have me to talk about this with and—”

“—But I don’t. I’m legally not allowed to. I got in trouble with sharing so much last time and…fuck,” Jungkook pauses. Closes his eyes slowly before taking a step forward and reaching for your hands again. “This is not what we need to be talking about right before our wedding. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” You give his hands another squeeze. “We share our lives. With or without marriage, right?”

“I only wanna talk about us.” He breathes out softly, his lips inching closer to yours. “Let’s focus on you and me.”

And your skin is burning again. It’s on fire. Too much fire, it hurts.

And that’s when you realize you’re still here at your kitchen sink, hot lava rushing to your skin, burning you as you hold the bowl you were cleaning.

You take a deep breath, taking a step back from the sink when you slam your eyes shut and let out a loud groan. You don’t even flinch when the sound of glass hits the floor because you’ve thrown the bowl. You don’t care.

Another memory.

And it seems they’re all out of order.

Another bead of sweat dribbles down the side of Jungkook’s face, rolling right off his skin. And another miserable night. He gently throws his head back against the bathroom wall, his hairline drenched from hour two of hurling in the toilet. He’s drank too much again. Maybe some bad food poisoning in there. But even still, he knows he’s drank too much.

He isn’t abusing the alcohol, really. Not lately. But he knows what it can do to him. He hates it. He hates himself.

He hates this existence.

Jungkook squeezes his eyes shut before he groans to himself, knocking his head back a few more times. What is he doing?

He misses you.

He wants to make things right.

How?

Jungkook wipes his mouth with the back of his hand before trying to stand from the floor. He’s wobbly but he manages. He’s tired and he isn’t sleeping and he can’t because he knows you’re not. This is how he feels like he’s with you, the only real support he can give.

He looks at himself in the mirror, his tired eyes staring back at him. He wants to tell that guy to fuck off, for some reason. He wants to scoff at him and offer him no sympathy. Jungkook wants to raise his hands to that man’s throat and squeeze. He wants to swear at him and curse him. His mouth twists and his eyes grow teary and he sighs. Because all he can do is cry for him.

His head snaps up when the bathroom counter vibrates from his phone. Someone’s texted.

Unknown Number

Its me

Buzz.

Unknown Number

We need to talk

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