#komei can have the other cats

[serabiet]

Famine turned out a big handsome boy with a tiny head. I am proud.

[yakumtsaki]

GUESS WHO’S HERE AGAIN. Seriously wtf is the wolf’s problem, why does he constantly show up in every lot except the one I want him to, GOD. 

Anyway, let’s get this update rolling cause I wanna get back to the main house at some point, it’s unreal how much time I spent on the spares, I really didn’t expect them to be such a shitshow. We begin with Melody and Gunther, who remain shockingly, disgustingly happy:

I’m not kidding when I tell you guys that Gunther hasn’t rolled a single cheating want his entire time with Melody. Loyal king! 

So Melody is in like her 100th LTW, she became a Mad Scientist while married to Daniel, then she became Hand of Poseidon-

-then she became a World Class Ballet Dancer (wtf lol)-

and finally she became an Ecological Guru! We stan a Renaissance Woman.

She also earned 100k without having it as an LTW, but whatever, it counts!

Melody also got to live her dog dreams as we adopted Lulu and she had 4 puppies with Benny..

..whom I named after painters since Gunther is an art ho:

This is Dali, Pollock, Frida, and Vincent! Unfortunately, as evidenced by Lucy Hanby’s presence, Gunther’s weeaboo house is not meant for this many pets, so we kept Frida and sent the other 3 to live with Angel and Wulf so we’ll be seeing them later (these dogs are the. WORST).

Finally, Gunther grows up in this iconic ‘leather blazer + boxers outfit’, when I tell you guys I lold for 5 min-

-and then Melody comes home from work, finishes her 5th LTW (I can’t remember what it was) and grows up in the same outfit! CUTE

And they lived happily ever after, ignoring their kids♡

We switch to Daniel, who’s.. uh.. not doing great. He had to get a job because it was Melody who was bringing in the big bux, and between that, taking care of JuJu and taking care of his 50 cats, he’s perma exhausted. 

He’s also rolling depressing fears such as above, thankfully between his kid interactions and his cat interactions he’s always plat. I did change his LTW from Golden Anniversary to the Journalism one because honestly I don’t think he would remarry anytime soon, he’d be focused on JuJu plus he’s bound to have some trust issues :(

The blows just won’t stop coming, as Roux, the last of the original Komei cats, passes away💔 End of an era.

-So you see, June, sometimes a family is a Daddy and the kids in one house, and the Mommy in a different house with Uncle Gunther! -But why is Mommy with Uncle Gunther? -Beats me, honey.

Despite the traumatic divorce, JuJu remain absolute units, I can’t believe their skill points-

-and Daniel remains the best sim parent I’ve ever had, I can’t believe Victoria and Komei produced him. 

Then at other times, I can believe the Komei part.

I just want him to be happy instead of talking to his trees :(

-Ok, Jul, so we agree that Dad needs a serious relationship yesterday? -Absolutely, Jun, before we know it he’ll go from talking to the tree to marrying it. 

-Nana, we have a cunning plan to get Dad a girlfriend, I need you guys to help us make Lucy attractive to him!

-Aww how cute you are when you’re not SHITTING EVERYWHERE

-Lucy, I couldn’t help see you hugging Sisi! I didn’t know you were a cat person! -Beats those goddamn dogs at your brother and your wife’s place! I still can’t believe he dumped a star like Brittany, I mean she was in the Monty Farms Orange Soda commercial!  -It’s been not great talking to you.

After Daniel flops with Lucy, who passes by BUT TARA KAT. OMGGGGGG. PLEASE GET ALONG PLEASE GET ALONG IT’S TOO PERF

Dan greets her and the first thing she does is admire him, AWWW

-Let me just tell you, Daniel, it’s a true honor to meet you, you’re a legend in the Crazy Cat Lady community! 

Ya, that figures lol.

-NOW THAT’S SOME HOT AF CAT INTERACTION, TARA HAS IT GOING ON

We invited Tara over for a date the next day (after a much needed makeover) and things escalate..

..QUICKLY. I didn’t remember Tara is a family sim too, I thought she was knowledge, this is perf ♡

It’s JuJu’s birthday, which Melody shockingly attended, I legit thought she might not come-

-also in attendance, Sugar, with his face blurred out so we can do the big reveal of his teen face in the main house.

June is FUCKING ADORABLE. She looks so much like Melody from the front, but from the side..

..KOMEI NOSE. MY HEART

June celebrates her birthday by immediately kissing Sugar, who is.. her uncle Jojo’s grandson, so her cousin, once removed? If only we lived in the time period Sugar gets his clothes from, this would be fine, sorry Jun! 

Julian grows up right after and is also INSANELY ADORABLE. The first thing he does is hug June, I cannot, just like when they were bebes♡

-Huggle? -Huggle huggle!

With the kids about to leave for college, Daniel married Tara-

-and promptly knocked her up! I didn’t want more kids but I felt bad for Tara because having a married family aspiration sim with no kids is borderline cruel. And how did Tara repay me for my kindness??

BY HAVING..

..FUCKING TWINS. DANIEL WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOUR SPERM. Anyway, welcome to the world, Cleo and Cecilia aka CC!

Daniel finished his Journalism LTW and got this insane bonus:

63K. GOOD LORD, DANIEL

When he’s not raking in the cash, Daniel as always enjoys living in the nursery.

Big surprise, the spawn of Daniel and Tara Kat won’t leave the cats alone.

We legit have so many cats now with Tara’s added three that the lot was flashing pink and JuJu had to fuck off to college early, but they’ll be living with Sophito and Sugar in the UUU Greek house so we’ll see them again soon!

And Daniel grows up! 

-I think I did pretty well :)

You did great, baby! We just need to get you some grey eyebrows pronto.

And he lived happily..

..and lagilly ever after! :’)

[mimicjapan]

[Sad news] Kaanashi and his friends desperately spatified, and it disappeared because it was unauthorized.

1: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:14:11 ID:VUXkTwoVa.net

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9: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:15:32.25 ID: VUXkTwoVa.net.

..

Too bad.

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2: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:14:22 ID:VUXkTwoVa.net.

Too sad.

3: Friday, July 31, 2020 09:14:40 ID:6fvlp5cAM.net.

Bacha pig ‥‥‥w.

5: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:15:03 ID:kblagVK0a.net.

Where's the money going?.

>>5 In the first place, don't worry about the return rate to the rivers when you are spachaing on Youtube live. It's at best about 5% even if you subtract the management of Youtube and companies.

>>5 The pocket of the operating Ossan.

6: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:15:14.27 ID:rKDpInJh0.net.

Universal Giant Revolution Pekopeko no Mai.

16: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09: 16: 19 ID: zDR7DFQO0.net.

don't know if get the right, 'll be revived.

17: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:16:28 ID:D0zizj+n0.net.

It was one of the few records of life.

18: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09: 16: 31 ID: He54jB41a.net.

The usage history of Creca remains.

20: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:16:37 ID:PlTuS0nvp.net.

Erase videos with sick comments and get only money.

 .

22: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:16:52 ID:qlIOg+bM0.net.

It's a commercial business.

32: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:17:28 ID:s2llTShz0.net.

This is the result of a spacha desperately spending money.

33: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:17:30 ID:ptkXGrUJ0.net.

It's a game company or a defeater who grants permission even though he has been loved as much as he likes.

38: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:18:03 ID:aqmwn8tg0.net.

After all, do you download the video whose name you read and save it 樂?.

58: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:19:49 ID:I2/nSWtDa.net.

How much money does the distributor receive?.

133: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:23:39 ID:i2tKJeehr.net.

Since it was the purpose that didn't understand well, the purpose was to contribute money, so it may have been fulfilled whether it disappears or not.

>>133 think live broadcasting is the real production for them.

153: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:24:52 ID:WFKmdwdtM.net.

Wasn't it even Nintendo or Sukueni sent to the enemy?

181: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:26:10 ID:imhZGbRX0.net.

It is safe because it becomes an image with what J and it is handed down.

7: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:15:15.99ID:96ELSkE0d.net.

What do you mean?.

15: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09: 16: 04 ID: VUXkTwoVa.net.

>>7

It was delivered without the permission of the right holder and earned a lot of spam.

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34: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:17:43 ID:2rZG0GuU0.net.

>>15

Will the money come back?.

101: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:21:48.63ID:42xfrdnEp.net.

>>34

don't think it will come back to the person who threw the spacha.

Whether it goes to the distributor or company as usual, or a settlement with the right holder.

>>101 If the right holder could collect it, it would be a trap of Komei.

168: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:25:28 ID:2rZG0GuU0.net.

>>101

sorry.

>>168 The only impression is that the fans are just stupid.

395: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:35:21 ID:0DjjUT5g0.net.

>>101

wondering if just deleting this and paying for what 've made.

Then just a thief.

489: Friday, July 31, 2020 09:39:17.48 ID:42xfrdnEp.net.

>>395

It seems that it will take about 2 months to get the income by distributing it like other lessons.

There is a possibility that it was only released until then.

On the contrary, it is thought that Capcom moved just before that.

 .

695: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:47:32.08 ID:0DjjUT5g0.net.

>>489

CAPCOM games have been played for more than a year rather than two months.

've been earning a lot of money.

41: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:18:27 ID:2mx6k9Ws0.net.

>>7

Capcom was angry at the past game distribution that had been done without permission, and all the videos are closed to the public in a hurry.

It seems that videos without copyright problems will be released again after confirmation.

557: Friday, July 31, 2020 09:42:08 ID: AWHoYKNx0.net.

>>41

Capcom and case game makers have a severe impression on this kind of guy.

wish had a loose Nintendo system.

633: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:44:58 ID:lNnkyQZNM.net.

>>557

In the case game world, there is know-how to deliver from around ust, and officers also come and go, so will take proper rights relations.

668: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:46:29 ID:Y6uqeQnQa.net.

>>41

Capcom is so noisy.

In the pachi-slot, the protagonist called Gava "this guy," but it was so severe that the writer was banned just because the writer called Airou "cat."

687: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:47:19 ID:bOGpXGOZa.net.

>>668

Did syamu ask Capcom for permission?.

762: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:49:52 ID:79zw2PYY0.net.

>>687

It seems to be fine for an individual.

This time, the corporation ignored the copyright and was a business, so it was not passed through.

That's normal.

698: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:47:33.33 ID:/qMCE8l10.net.

>>668

It's a cat's fire food, but it has a notation.

759: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:49:50 ID:Y6uqeQnQa.net.

>>698

In No good.

When defeated a monster, it wasn't "defeated" but rather "defeated".

11: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:15:48 ID:nuE4mIiqd.net.

..

This guy's efforts turned into bubbles.

>>11 Wannekoneko Shining Star Rabbit Ear Man ‍Lamb @wansa_cat · 1 hour pe! ? **** The ending magic is interesting.

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26: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:17:18 ID:C/W/Je7r0.net.

>>11

really like this development.

>>26 It's another person's Kusso meaning. The most important thing is your writing with a flair.

75: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:20:45.03 ID:lD0eC2P6M.net.

>>11

know that you’re a dorakue, but what?.

78: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:20:46.26 ID:GSI4D/Eg0.net.

>>11

grass.

Feels good!.

138: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:23:59 ID:+eYnihD3d.net.

>>11

The level you specify every minute or something you specify every time you speak.

221: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09: 27: 37.48 ID: ySeg9lDh0.net.

>>11

It seems to take a lot of time, but is there a way to efficiently copy and paste the time stamp?

 .

255: July 31, 2020 (Friday) 09:28:53.99 ID:oIeAL1gLd.net.

>>221

took a quick look at this guy's Twitter, but he seems to do it while he sleeps.

258: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:29:05.25ID:vgr1tbrQd.net.

>>221

You can find some excitement in the comment field with the tool.

But the details so far are completely manual.

The work of Kaonashi.

396: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:35:28 ID: ES8VYClXM.net.

>>11

How many hours did it take to make this?

It would take nine and a half hours just to see them all.

825: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:52:22 ID:7oeUI5QC0.net.

>>11

It seems that this guy can reproduce the broadcast with the blindfolded earplugs.

49: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:19:18 ID:ccnGQWDe0.net.

Did you try the same thing before?.

63: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:20:22.96 ID:2mx6k9Ws0.net.

>>49

just apologized for the unauthorized distribution because the operating company is not on the list of corporations that Nintendo licensed to distribute the game two months ago.

212: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:27:23.44 ID:ccnGQWDe0.net.

>>63

grass.

don't think about it at all.

236: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:28:00.48 ID: 7zUIPmLc0.net.

>>63

grass.

What did you do for 2 months?

250: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:28:43.76 ID:p+nr3XtUa.net.

>>236

was waiting for spacha to be deposited.

335: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:32:10.51 ID:+YxrGqGMa.net.

>>250

haven't waited for payment even though haven't erased it.

323: Friday, 31 July 2020 09:31:54.30 ID:2mx6k9Ws0.net.

>>236

After the unauthorized release, only played games that was able to get permission, but left the unlicensed past archive without deleting it.

When Capcom got angry with it, the past distribution was made private and the copyright investigation was finally started.

353: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:33:14.98 ID:Xh42nbg40.net.

>>323

Is it run by junior high school students?.

52: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:19:28 ID:c2SIj/VbM.net.

Kaonashi "A...A...".

55: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:19:46 ID:0/7wH0Bt0.net.

>>52

Grass.

111: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:22:26.49 ID:LTEx0Hwh0.net.

Businesses targeting people with disabilities are really profitable.

Scam, multi, Vtuber and so on.

>>111 What kind of obstacle is it so easy to write?.

127: 31/07/2020 (Friday) 09:23:10 ID:TI4uilng0.net.

>>111

State management...?.

125: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09: 23:00 ID: CgworPDC0.net.

The voice actor and idol who made a tribute got married.

The service of Soshage, who was a tribute, ended.

Deleted due to infringement of distribution of Vtuber that was tribute.

Which is the most miserable?

137: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:23:47 ID:0/7wH0Bt0.net.

>>125

The third is the most void.

183: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:26:11 ID:myYhPLdt0.net.

>>125

It seems that all the same people experience it.

471: 2020/07/31 (Friday) 09:38:40.01 ID:q4oOCvIYd.net.

It's a pure question.

Is it okay for the performers to tweet and try to survive this crisis?.

via http://tomcat.2ch.sc/test/read.cgi/livejupiter/1596154451/

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[Sad news] Kaanashi and his friends desperately spatified, and it disappeared because it was unauthorized. News via exercisesfatburnig.blogspot.com http://mimicjapan.blogspot.com/2020/07/sad-news-kaanashi-and-his-friends.html

[yakumtsaki]

Well guys, it’s that time of year again. To recap, Jojo is still not a werewolf, Wyatt has shattered every record of incompetence and still not reached the top of his career, noogiesexual Shajar got dumped by Sophie Miguel and befriended a vampire, Cyneswith continues to date black-lipstick-broken-face-template flop Don Oates, Wulf grew up in the most iconic outfit of all time, and we got a new cat named Alcibiades for D’vorah to mate with since she refused to have kittens with poor Sweets. So let’s pick up right where we left off, which is of course the endless battle of getting D’vorah to procreate..

-Come on sweetie, we got a new boy toy just for you, get on with it, you’re almost an elder!

-NEVER! I’m a direct descendant of Zoroaster’s cat herself, I’ll never sully my bloodline with the genetic material of some pound mutt! You find me an appropriate mate before I go full Henry VIII!

STOP MIXING HISTORICAL REFERENCES AND FUCK ALCIBIADES ALREADY. His name undercuts my point but still.

-Do we have any custom blue fur paint for my balls?

ALCIBIADES SHUT UP. You assholes are by far the worst generation of pets yet, the two cat losers are bad enough but then add fucking Maxx to the mix-

-AND FORGET ABOUT IT. Look who’s getting along all of a sudden! 

-Yes, now that it’s become clear that this cat legacy shitshow is crumbling, I’ve stopped beating up the cats because I will look like a bully kicking them while they’re down. It’s part of my image revamp to get the audience behind a dog legacy! 🐶

Maxx, nothing personal, but I hate you more than you can possibly imagine. Let’s check in with the humans, I’m sure they will be totally normal, likable and stable as always-

-I can see your beating heart with my x-ray vision. I want to eat it. 

-Yay, let my sister eat your heart! 💗

-Stop patronizing me, you little bitch, I can get my own hearts to eat. 

-I just get excited when we do things together! 💗

-GAWD GTFO CYNESWITH, you’re ruining my Aztec sacrifice!!! 

-Ah, to be middle aged and in love, with your terrible children about to fuck off to college at any minute.. Looking at you, Wulf. Literally looking at you. 

Somehow that is already enough checking in with the humans for one update?

-HAHA I GOT YOU! GIMME IT!! YOU DON’T EVEN NEED IT

-LEAVE MY HEART ALONE, SHAJAR, I KEEP TELLING YOU IT’S A VITAL ORGAN

-No it’s not, the paper that got my father kicked out of the mad scientist association said so! 

They hated Jojo because he told them the truth.

These two are actually getting along great and I get my hopes up that Shajar will stop being a literal incel! Let’s all join together in prayer-

-Did someone say ‘prayer’?

GODDAMMIT SOPHIE YOU HAVEN’T SHOWED UP AT ALL AND YOU CHOOSE THIS MOMENT TO MAKE YOUR GHOST DEBUT?? FUCK OFF  

-HAHA I was waiting for a situation where my appearance would hinder the biggest amount of sin!!!!

UGH you’ve gotten even more religious in death?!

-Of course I have, what do you think heaven does to your faith?

How the fuck are you both in heaven and wandering the earth as an apparition?

-My spirit takes earth vacations to cockblock! 

Well at least you’re dying how you lived: pissing me off. 

And of course Maxx goes in for the kill with his ‘good doggie’ routine, terminally distracting Blueshirt Whatshername from Shajar’s heart-eating charms. As always, big thanks to our pets, both alive and dead.

End of the road, Shajar! Enjoy this dancing scholarship that you hilariously earned during all the outings I forced you into to get rid of your incelitude.

As Shajar leaves for college a kissless noogiesexual, I decide to try and solve at least one of my problems, and that problem is called Don fucking Oates. So we call Lakshmi back, hoping she has forgiven me for our last tense interactions-

-I have not.

Wow ok well now you’re just being petty, you saddled me with Don Oates, don’t be a sour winner. Now is there anyone out there that can potentially beat Cyneswith and Don’s natural 3 bolts???

-Nop. 

LAKSHMI COME ON, YOU’RE NOT LOOKING HARD ENOUGH

-I’m telling you, there isn’t anyone else, they’re a perfect match!

Well I refuse to accept that reality, so hit us with your best shot.

-Whatever, it’s your money.

I mean technically it’s Jojo’s and maybe I shouldn’t be spending it so freely..

-Daddy wouldn’t have a problem with it! 💗

Yea he sure wouldn’t, Cyn, since he’s literally this post.

IS THAT ANOTHER TRICOU LOVECHILD AND THE LAMEST ONE TO BOOT???

-Yup.

HARD PASS. 

-Je suis back et je non get prόmόted agàin! :D

Another hugely successful day for Wyatt as usual. Honestly as long as you don’t get fired or demoted for a third time, whatever.

-Sό je can go to sleepé?? :D

Yea sure, it’s not like there’s anything for you to do around here now that the kids have grown up. Not that you ever did anything to begin with-

-Oui oui, all tres fascinàting, bonne nuit now!

Oh actually wait, I do need you to do something before you go to sleep for 16 hours.

-Quoi???

-Ohh, le pόrtait de le morté!

Le portrait de le morte indeed. Jojo is predictably super into his death portrait being painted, as one is. Seriously what are you doing.

-Composing a tragic opera about myself, what else.

On a casio??

-I could afford a concert piano but it wouldn’t fit into this pathetically tiny house you built, would it?

Ok I get where you’re coming from, but in my defense, given your youthful days, who the fuck could had anticipated you evolving into a financially successful and mentally stable adult instead of a bankrupt lunatic that eats his own feces?

-Oui, that’s what Shajàr est going to be! Huhu!

-HAHAHAHA oh Wyatt, you’re so attractive when you’re insulting our two terrible children. Where is that little goblin anyway?

Omfg you assholes, she went off to college yesterday.

-She did??? About time! One down, one to go. If only Cyneswith could stay here forever :(

-Oui :(

-________-

Speaking of, let��s try this one more time. Lakshmi please, for the love of god, give us something I can work with. 

-Alright fine, you wore me down. Ask..

-..and you shall receive.

OMG YAS RICKY CORMIER, I LOVE HIM AND HIS FACE TEMPLATE. What the fuck are you wearing, Rick? Don’t dress up on our account. 

-I was teleported here right from work, where the fuck am I???

That’s a great question Rick, you’re in our front yard on a date with our resident 10 nice points freakshow, Cyneswith. And I see that you have 7 nice points to Don’s 4, so you crazy kids just go ahead and hit it right off now!

-Not if I have anything to do with it!

VICTOR NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR GHOST BINGO, FUCK OFF

-It’s always the time for ghost bingo.

I try my best to make this date go well but Ricky isn’t into Cyneswith AT ALL. It’s honestly pretty offensive and I hate him now. 

‘I’ve had better dates’, you’re like 15, Casanova, calm down. What a twerp. 

With that last doomed attempt to break her and Don up, the time has come for Cyneswith to fuck off to college as well, and yes, Don is coming with us to be endlessly cheated on by Miss 20 Simultaneous Lovers/Grey Hair turn on. Fuck both mine and Don’s lives. 

As if my failure to perform a Donectomy wasn’t bad enough, what does Wyatt get the day he’s finally guaranteed to be promoted, BUT ANOTHER FUCKING CHANCE CARD, WITH WHICH HE HAS A 2 OUT OF 2 FLOPPING SCORE. One of them got him demoted, the other got him fired, it took us forever to get him the 9 fucking friends he needed, so this is just terrific. Istg I could go to a police academy in real life, graduate, join the force, rise up through the ranks and become a superhero in less time than it has taken Wyatt to do it. Here goes nothing but Wyatt’s hopes and dreams..

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FINALLY

F I N A L L Y. 

OMFG.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS SHIT WAS LEGIT HARDER THAN KOMEI’S 6 PETS CAREER ONE, FUCKING HELL WYATT.

What a sight for sore eyes. 2 days before elderhood, but we did it, mon bebe! I’m so proud of us, but mainly me, for not giving up and making you a househusband which I know realize I should had done, because you’re so gonna destroy this city. 

-Je will savé la city! First ordér of enterprisé, àpprehending le killér seriàl knόwn as Dr. Gingér Violetté! ⭐

Oh boy. Good luck with that!

[yakumtsaki]

Alright you guys, sorry for the delay, I’ve had to restart this post 20 fucking times because my changes weren’t being saved in the draft and then I kept getting the ‘upload failed’ error. In case you don’t remember wtf is going on you might wanna re-read the last update (I certainly had to) which is apparently from JUNE 2018. Jfc I suck so hard. Now this was gonna be really long but tumblr wouldn’t post it so I’m breaking it up in 3 parts, part 2 to be posted tomorrow. For those that don’t feel like reading back, general recap of the last couple updates:

Jojo cheated on Wyatt with Max Flexor and my solution to that marital crisis was to adopt our first dog ever, a puppy hilariously named Maxx.

The puppy grew up to be an asshole and is constantly beating up the cats, who have turned into giant pussies (no pun intended) and are losing every fight to him despite the fact they’re named after Mortal Kombat characters. They’re a fucking disgrace to Alegra’s/Victor’s/Ronroneo’s memory and I haven’t settled on a cat heir yet because they both suck.

Jojo is perma miserable, I don’t even remember how much money away from his 100k LTW, and still not a werewolf despite my pathologically persistent attempts to make him friends with the wolf.

Fucking useless Wyatt didn’t get promoted while Komei was alive providing us with his 100 townie friends, we spent 20 updates befriending every rando that crossed our lot to secure his promotion, and then finally on the day he was supposed to become Captain Hero, Wyatt got, of course, fired and is now on track to take longer to complete his literal career based LTW than Komei took to get 6 pets on the top of their careers.

Absolutely everyone hates noogie addict Shajar, she got a Kylo Ren makeover, and we still don’t know what her sexual orientation is thanks to her ridiculous fitness/fatness turn ons and cleanliness turn off.

Golden child/10 nice points freakshow Cyneswith grew up, rolled romance with the most disturbing turn-ons/offs possible (grey hair/mechanical & charisma turn off) and the 20 simultaneous lovers LTW.

Wulf grew up into a kid, got an Amadeus makeover, is officially a Wyatt clone and the only member of this family I don’t completely hate yet.

Now I’d like to begin the first Union post in more than a year by requesting you do me a solid and lower your expectations for this thing as far down as humanly possible. Like really try to recreate the Jules Verne classic “Journey to the Center of the Earth” with your expectations here, because my brain is so fucking fried that there’s a 20% chance I randomly start citing sources at some point during this post. This grad school crap has seriously been the worst trade deal in the history of trade deals, maybe ever. And speaking of bad trade deals, let’s get this update rolling with the man, the myth, the legend, the husband who managed to make Komei look like a dreamboat in comparison..

..Wyatt fucking Union, née Monif. It’s been a long time, but I’m not gonna lie to you Wyatt, not nearly long enough. Looking good man, just one small question, where the fuck are your eyebrows?

-You àccidéntally deléted thém, imbécilé, et I cannôt exprèss my irritatiόn prόperly becausé I hàve non eyebrôws!

Did your selective French accent get thicker this past year or is it just me?

-It géts thickér whén je suis distrésséd, givé moi mon eyebrôws bàcc!!!

No can do, brother. Actually can do, but I think the Mona Lisa look is working for you, and more importantly I still hate you, so I’m just gonna hardcore ignore you for the rest of this post if that’s ok. Talk to me when you finally get promoted, aka never the way this shit is going.

-Non! NON! MON EYEBROWS!

It’s been lovely catching up.

Jojό I mean Jojo, goddammit Wyatt, is spending most of his time building robots in the mausoleum (sweet hipster band name alert)..

..giving financial advice in Shajar’s room (inb4 what’s the difference between the mausoleum and Shajar’s room)..

..building evil snowmen alone in the middle of the night, like all mentally healthy middle aged men with 3 kids are wont to do..

..and getting the piss harassed out of him by the cat ghosts in the bathroom (sweet hipster band name alert #2). How is this like the fourth time this happens in the exact same spot, will you just stop autonomously cleaning the bathroom after midnight? It’s obviously where the cats hang out, give it the fuck up already.

-I’m actively TRYING TO DIE you absolute moron, what does a guy have to do to get killed around here?

Yea can’t say that I blame you but not happening, you can commit suicide by Ghost Alegra after the kids fuck off to college, ok? I promise.

-Oh like you promised me being heir was a route worth pursuing??

Um obviously you too need to go back and re-read your own life story, because I spent the entirety of our “““cherished””” time together telling you heirship is a shitty gig at generation 2. And then to top it off you went and married Wyatt to ensure maximum shittiness, so there you go, fucking enjoy. God I am so sick of both of you losers and we’re only 5 pics in. Let’s check in with your spawn, I’m sure they can’t possibly be more annoying than their parents-

-oh right, I forgot, this is the generation with 10/10/9 active points where the party never stops. Cyneswith are you somehow twerking to classical music?

-How else am I gonna attract all those hot senior citizens per my grey hair turn on and 20 lovers LTW?

Ok great yea I see how this is gonna go, you’re trying to entice people into voting you for heir based on how torturous playing this fucked up LTW is gonna be for me, well forget it, my readers are intellectuals and completely above such petty entertainment. (istg mofos, don’t even think about it, i already did Komei’s 5 pets career shit, i will burn this place to the ground if you saddle me with Cyneswith banging the elderly for 30 years)

-No need to worry your stupid little head, I will beat Cyneswith for HEIR just like I beat her HAIR up daily! HAHA!

Shajar no offense but you’re a fucking war crime of a sim, nearly everyone who’s ever met you hates you including your parents, and the fact that you’re the alternative here is really not helping my situation in any way. Also how the fuck are you gonna be heir when the only thing you seem to be attracted to is giving noogies, you’re like one week away from college and I still don’t even know if you’re str8 or gay or bi or w/e the fuck you are. You have Jojo’s personality combined with..

..yes exactly, DANIEL’S SOCIAL ABILITIES. I mean I was joking with the whole ‘Shajar’s the spawn of Satan’ thing, but this combo of traits was clearly drawn up in Hell’s boardroom.

ANYWAY. It’s a snowy Sunday morning, and anyone who has been a teen knows what that means:

Time to go clubbing! Man I remember being like 15, waking up on a freezing Sunday morning and my mom making me a cup of hot chocolate before I drove off to the club. Those were the days.

-Uh, Shaj, when did you learn how to drive?

-Don’t be stupid, Cyneswith, people don’t need to ‘learn’ how to drive.

-They absolutely do, actually.

-Well what can I tell you, the dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.

-Here we are, safe and sound! Celebratory noogie!

-YOU RAN OVER 9 PEOPLE

-How many times to I have to explain this to you, Apartment Life townies are not people.

Can’t argue with that logic. Let’s just go in and find out what Shajar’s sexual orientation is once and for all so I can spend the rest of this update aggressively promoting Wulf’s candidacy.

Now I consider ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’ one of the dumbest sayings there is, but even I have to concede that this particular picture truly is worth a thousand words. Quick poll, what is more horrifying, Shajar’s literal Joker face or Cyneswith, whom I’ve never seen read a book ever, autonomously pulling one out in the middle of the dance floor, in what I can only assume is an attempt to attract old perverts with the schoolgirl routine?

And I know what some of you are thinking, you’re like ‘bro, you’re just reaching to make a bad joke bro, Cyneswith is just a sweet nice introvert and not like other girls, she doesn’t feel comfortable in the club’, well to that let me reply with another picture that is worth a thousand words:

Yea that’s right, on the first minute of our first time out WE RUN INTO THAT ONE ELDER TOWNIE THAT HAS WRINKLE MAKE UP ON. GODDAMMIT CYNESWITH

Do you guys remember how Jojo was obsessed with Stephen Tinker as a teen? Are you seeing the connection here?? Those kids have literally inherited the worst possible traits from both their parents turned up to 11, it’s fucking unreal.  

Right after I get over Wrinkle’s presence I turn around and what do I see, those 2, who have never had a non-noogie physical interaction, autonomously doing the family kiss thing. I didn’t even catch it on time because I was loling irl, we came out here so these assholes can find age-appropriate partners, and instead they’re kissing each other. Seems about right with this family, and clearly Striped Scarf’s dumb ass ships it.

-They look so much alike, it’s meant to be!

Yes, and they even share the same last name! Talk about written in the stars.

Thankfully Abhijeet is here to save us from incest by perving on Cyneswith. GTFO ABHIJEET. Anyone like ‘bro townies just autonomously come to greet your sims on community lots regardless of age, stop calling them perverts’, see you in about 5 pics down.  

I try to have Shajar chat up Striped Scarf and suffice it to say Shaj ~stole her heart~ and presumably put it on this stick to wave around.

NO. CYNESWITH NO. I’m seriously having déjà vu of all the times I was like ‘NO. JOJO NO’, jfc.

Shajar is unsurprisingly exhibiting no interest in socializing with anyone around her, instead she’s trying every activity this terribly lit place has to offer, and she looks demented while doing it:

I’m feeling a primal urge to photoshop Darth Vader’s melted helmet on the bowling ball here, someone please remind me to do it for the heir vote photoshoot.

-HA. SUCK IT DENISE JACQUET

That’s Denise Jacquet?! I can’t tell who anyone is for shit anymore. The default replacements are a scourge upon premade brands, I’m getting rid of them pronto. Speaking of scourges, where the hell is your sister?

-Who cares?

I wanna say ‘me’ but we both know that’s a lie.

Oh ok, THERE SHE IS.

-So you see Cyneswith, just because something is technically ‘illegal’, doesn’t mean it’s morally wrong-

Yea yea fascinating stuff, now get out of the hot tub or I will fucking neuter you, I don’t know if a eunuch mod already exists for medieval games but I will make one if it doesn’t.

Here, Cyneswith, drink some water, have a nice G-rated convo with your sister about violins and stop pissing me off. 

-First of all this is straight vodka.

Great.

-Secondly Shajar is talking about Mozart’s coprophilia.

-I sure am.

Amazing. Well, I guess it’s at times like these when you need to look inside your heart and truly ask yourself, what did you expect from Jojo’s children.

ABHIJEET ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME DID YOU EVEN HEAR ME TALK ABOUT CASTRATION

-Ha, I went home and put on my most elderly-looking formal wear!

-I hate to see you go but I love to watch you leave Ab <3

CYNESWITH SHUT UP. I can’t believe you people are actually making me miss Gunther’s teenage whoring, at least he kept it age appropriate.

-Is some random lady pressing her breasts against my head?

She most certainly is, Shajar, because it is now crystal clear that this bowling alley doubles as the site of annual perv townie convention and we walked right into it-

-and it’s also clear we have serious issues and are enjoying ourselves. Shaj I legit don’t know what to tell you, this is the first time you get along with someone right away and it just had to be the adult with the bad haircut and the flasher’s trench coat???

-You’re damn right it did.

Alright then, I’m officially going to nope out of this situation, safe in the knowledge you’re a noogiesexual and nothing will actually happen with this freak, so I’ll focus on Cyneswith instead who is much more of a loose canon. 

Here Cyn, talk to this guy, who I’m 90% sure is the same guy your father rejected in favor of stalking Stephen Tinker when he was your age.

-Ohhhh, he’s dreamy!

Omg really?? Halleluj-

-oh never mind, you were of course referring to adult ass Brandon Lillard. I do like that our townies have recurring roles each generation, we should make rejecting Blondie a rite of passage in this family. We should also officially gtfo because this is happening:

-Um, now that I’m looking at you in harsher lighting, it’s gonna be a no from me dawg. 

Oh, thank the fucking lord.

-Let’s celebrate the fact we didn’t get hopelessly obsessed with any adults here by doing the traditional Dance of Normality!

-We beat Dad’s genes, we beat Dad’s genes!

-We’re normal!

Yes, and we’re definitely showing it. Can we please leave now so I can make sure I’ve uninstalled Inteenminator and turn off free will? 

-Nop! Venue change!

-Got-out-of-the-car celebratory noogie!

-Made-it-to-the-door celebratory noogie!

Shajar you unironically have a noogie addiction, I’m not kidding in the slightest, you need to see a doctor.

Great, great, not another teen in sight and to top it off Denise followed us here to ensure maximum elder presence. I feel comfortable officially declaring this day a complete waste of time.

God, the vintage pink dress and the pink alcohol combo is some straight up current era Taylor Swift nonsense. That’s it, we’re outta here, back home where no one is lurking, waiting to strike at us-

-SOPHIE NOOOOOOOOOOOO💔💔💔💔💔

-The Lord is my shepherd.

NO HE ISN’T EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN’T HERD CATS PLEASE DON’T DIE

-Nop, I’m over it. Goodbye heathens, it’s been nice, hope you don’t find your paradise. 

UGH SOPHIE, my beloved Westboro lunatic, the last gangsta generation 1 cat we had.. I can’t believe you’re gone and all I’m left with is stupid Goro and D’vorah who can’t even beat up the fucking dog. This is truly painful.

Yes, pets, I agree, Kaylynn is completely to blame for Sophie dying of old age. The time has now come to decide on a cat heir-

-and since Goro ran away like a little bitch after Sophie’s death despite the fact he didn’t even like her, he’s automatically disqualified and will be going off to live on Melody and Daniel’s farm once returned to us. Congratulations to D’vorah I guess, on being the least terrible of two terrible options. 

On the topic of terrible heir options, Cyn has non-stop wants to go on dates and have her first kiss and all that crap, and since our Sunday morning clubbing was a bust we invite over the matchmaker.

-Hello there young Union, I see your house has been upgraded since I was last here.

Oh right we haven’t required your services since Daniel was a teen and we lived in a trailer, well we are flush with cash now!

-Hopefully your payment reflects that.

It will!! Just please give us someone good, I can’t deal with single teen Cyn for one more second.

-Oh my, what a beautiful BLANK PIECE OF PAPER.

WHAT!? NO THAT’S 5K IT’S JUST A SNOW GLITCH 

-What do I look like to you, a money thawing service?

Does such a service.. exist??

-It does not, so I have to go home and use a hairdryer on this!

Just come inside and we’ll give you non-frozen money!

-No, no, you’ll get what you paid for..

-Have a magical time!

...

.........

......................

Lakshmi this was so fucking evil that I almost want to age you down and see if you and Shajar hit it off. 

-As if, the whole neighborhood knows what you did to Komei.

Helped him achieve his insane 6-pets-career LTW?

-Turned him into a servant while your sim was lounging around all day!

Oh yea I did do that. But Wyatt was also a townie and he does literally nothing, Jojo is the servant now!

-Only because Wyatt is too fucking stupid to do things! Word has gotten out, no townie will ever marry in this family again unless they’re brain dead, so it’s Wyatts only for you from now on, sister!

Well this has been a complete fucking disaster. It was great seeing you again, Lakshmi, thanks for the dream date with the adult farting machine, 5k well-spent.

Pretty sure it was you bro, and yes, how about we don’t do that again.

Wyatt has brought over Amanda from work! (Aka Victoria’s only friend and subsequent lesbian lover, who is really pretty and is definitely getting married in at some point, preferably after the brown hair genes have been weakened so we can go back to being gingers.)  

-Wow Shajar, your grandmother, God rest her soul, mentioned you were her favorite and now I can see why! Loving the Kylo Ren look!

-Is someone being genuinely nice to me?! What is happening?

-Yes, please stop being nice to her, Amanda, we don’t want her getting used to it.

Jojo istg.

-Cyneswith dear, tell Amanda all about how much money your grandmother left you so she can stop being nice to Shajar. 

-Soooo much money, Miss Amanda!

-Ah, what a polite child I’ve single-handedly raised.

-Now, Cyneswith, you really need to get back on the dating scene so you have ample time to find the perfect spouse and continue our line, since you’re clearly the only one of my children that is remotely heir material. 

-Dad, Shajar and Wulf are right next to you.

-Oh they are? I’m wearing my special contact lenses that make those disappointments invisible to me, but even better, they need to hear this. Shajar is a noogiesexual and thus incapable of reproduction, and Wulf is not even a Union, I mean have you seen that kid? Wyatt reproduced by himself like the amoeba he is. Now, your grandmother-

-YOU MENTIONED ME 3 TIMES AND HERE I AM

OH FUCK VICTORIA, deleting the default replacements gave you base game hair!!!!

-That’s the part you’re scared by, not my Beetlejuicesque entrance?

There’s literally nothing scarier than your ghost sporting this haircut for all eternity, I’m re-downloading that default immediately. 

-Oh mom, so good to see you! Let me just hug my beloved child, Shijer-

-Shajar, dad.

-SHAJAR, let me hug Shajar, like I do all the time. 

-I’m glad to see you’re not picking favorites among your children like I did, the way I treated David-

-Daniel, mom.

-DANIEL, is the one thing I’ve truly been regretting in the afterlife. That and not skinning Marisa Bendett alive when I had the chance. 

-Well, as you can see by Shajar’s totally normal and not at all shocked reaction to my hug, I am a wonderful, fair, and emotionally available father. 

(Bruh this freaked me out so much when it happened, I mean I KNOW it’s an animation glitch but I was convinced my sims had become sentient for a good while after)

-Is your grandmother’s ghost still on the premises?

-Yup. 

-When will this nightmare end, paying attention to you is the worst. 

-Ok she’s gone.

-FINALLY. Now it’s back to the crypt for you, and don’t you dare go complain to her urn!

-Ah, Stephen, Stephen, my life is crap and I can’t even🎵

And with the knowledge you have composed a theme song for Stephen Tinker, part 1 of the Union comeback update is concluded. Will Shajar’s sexual orientation reveal itself? Will Cyneswith find true love? Will Jojo become a werewolf? Will Wulf continue to be the only dignified member of this family? Will D’vorah have kittens? Will Wyatt do literally anything worth mentioning? Tune in for parts 2 & 3 to find out, unfollow button on the upper right corner for those who need it. 

[yakumtsaki]

Welcome, dear readers, to Part 2 out of 3 of the Union Comeback Season Premiere Episode (title under construction, part 1 here). Right off the bat, let me just admit what everyone is thinking, yes, mass-deleting default replacements was clearly a huge mistake. Looking good in the heart boxers, boys, especially Jojo! Very on brand and not at all ridiculous. On a lesser but equally annoying note, our windows have suddenly turned red while the exterior AND interior of the house are purple. Dark days ahead..

..but not for Goro, who has returned home since running away and is immediately being kicked out again. Good to see you Goro, now pack up your shit, D’vorah won the cat heir position so it’s time for you to move to Melody and Daniel’s farm.

-Well I’m a cat so I don’t have any possessions to pack.

Thank you for providing an example of why you lost the cat heirship via this painfully boring reaction to the news of your defeat.

-No, he’s right, we cats don’t have any possessions to pack.

Omg D’vorah shut up. How on earth you boring flops are Alegra/Ronroneo’s grandchildren AND Sophie’s children I’ll never understand. I’m this close to making Maxx the cat heir and he’s not even a cat.

-Correct, I’m a dog.

Worst group of pets e v e r. 

Oh look who autonomously woohooed for the first time in a century, I guess those base game heart boxers were simply too hot to resist. If one of you gets knocked up a week away from elderhood I’m gonna have a meltdown the likes of which the world has never seen.

-For the love of God, can we get some privacy here?

I’d love nothing more than to give you two bozos eternal privacy by never looking at either of you again, but the headmaster is here for Wulf so put some clothes on-

-WHAT THE FUCK. Why do we keep getting new headmasters instead of the ones we’ve already terrorized into submission?? Now we have to ‘show BJ a good time’ and ‘maybe we could give BJ a tour’, I’d honestly rather give BJ a bj and get this shit over with, I’m tired of threatening headmasters with murder. Hopefully it doesn’t come to sexual favors but if it does, Wyatt, you’re up. 

-Pourquoi moi???

Pourquoi toi still haven’t gotten promoted and toi sleep 22 hours a day, it’s high time toi pulled your weight around here. 

Good, that’s the spirit.

-Bonjour, monsieur Headmastér! I wòuld introdûce yoù to Wûlf but hé is très busý with unpàid çhild labόr.

-Haha, what a hilarious joke, Mr. Union!

-Alright Cinderello, after you’re done cleaning the flooding shower you’re going to need to jump out the second floor window and go study in the crypt, so the headmaster doesn’t see you and ask you any uncomfortable questions about whether I acknowledge you as my son. I have to go help your father charm our guest by giving my trademarked speech on how I never got impregnated by aliens and what a blow it was to humanity’s future. 

-Ok Mr. Jojo!

-For the last time Wulf, it’s not ‘Mr. Jojo’, it’s ‘Mr. Union’. God.

-Ah hello there Headmaster BJ, apologies for my lateness, I was tucking little Wulf in bed because I definitely acknowledge him as my son. As I do all 3 of my children and not just Cyneswith. Ask anyone! But not Wulf or whatshername.. I want to say Shenar? Anyway, now that that’s been cleared up, what are we talking about here? The fact I never got impregnated by aliens and what a terrible blow it was to humanity’s future? I assumed as much.

-Haha aliens?! Well you are just a family of crack ups, does your son share this amazing sense of humor?

-Oh yes yes he definitely does, and he is definitely OUR son, that’s exactly how I view him as well, not solely as Wyatt’s offspring just because he appears to not have a drop of my DNA. I mean who even cares about that? Not me, that’s for certain. Yes, Wulf was just telling me the funniest joke while I was reading Cinderella to him before I put him to bed-

-Man, it’s so hard to concentrate on math with a broken leg from jumping out the window and Grandpa’s disembodied head floating around.

Grandpa’s disembodied head?? 

OH FUCK KOMEI

-What?

Nothing! Looking good! The decision to delete default replacements didn’t affect you in any way!

-Thank god, have you seen Vic with that base game hair? Talk about scary. 

Yes, talk about scary indeed. Do you happen to know if the matchmaker performs the occasional exorcism?

-No idea.

Well she hates me anyway so that was solution was dead in the water. I have to go back to the headmaster fuckery now, but I want you to know I’m really sorry for what Salome did to you. 

-Sό, monsieur Headmastér, the όnly tràck reçord which est bettér than the όne we havé with bébés wόrking, est the oné we havé with our animàls rûnning awaý!

-Oh my.

-He’s joking, he’s joking Headmaster BJ, we’re both excellent pet owners and excellent parents, if you’ll excuse me the phone is ringing-

-Cyneswith darling! An adult bartender is calling for you and he has the Komei face! You might be 14 but he’s clearly future husband material!

-Be right there, daddy!

-Alright, I think I’ve seen enough here.

No you haven’t! Wyatt, take off your robe!

-No need, I’ve made up my mind..

-..you’re obviously a perfect match for our school! 

What the hell? How? Even by our standards we legit didn’t do shit.

-Headmaster Jitmakusol left a very distraught letter regarding your family before he was institutionalized, the gist of it being it is pointless to try and keep you people out of the school, and his successor should simply ‘roll with it’. 

Well ok then! Pleasure doing business with you, BJ.

-The pleasure was all mine, please don’t ever contact me again.

We’ll make sure to be in touch.

In the meantime, Komei has recovered his body!

-Why me? WHY ALWAYS ME? CYNESWITH IS RIGHT THERE

-Sorry honey, we play poker for it every night and Victor won dibs on Cyneswith.

-That’s right, the first one to scare everyone gets ghost-bingo!

Are you fuckers playing ghost-poker or ghost-bingo?

-It’s a hybrid, we have a lot of time on our hands, being dead and all, so we developed an overcomplicated gambling system for our scares. 

Yea ok congrats Victor, now can you fuck off before you actually do kill one of the kids?? They have 10/10/9 energy, they literally never sleep.

-No can do, if you actually kill someone you get Yahtzee!

How many fucking games are involved in this bullshit?

-We told you, we have a lot of time on our hands. SUCK IT VICTOR, I WIN FOR THE NIGHT

Win for the night? Who cares about that, you have Wyatt cornered, go for the Yahtzee!

-Oh, but you said our games were bullshit!

That’s before I realized Wyatt was awake for his allotted 2 hours per day non-sleeping time. Wyatt istfg bro, are you half French-Arab and half panda?

-Pandàs eàt for 14 hourès idiόt, ne pas slèèp.

Well look who knows a suspicious amount about pandas now! Almost like he’s descended from them.

Oh good, everyone’s favorite couple simultaneously has the day off. How about I take you two out for a nice date at Londoste since you’re about 55 years old?

-How about hard pass on that architectural monstrosity of a restaurant and we hang out for 6 hours in our front yard instead?

-Oui, oui! Très blanc garbagè of us!

Well at least we’re not forgetting our roots. 

Alright then, we’ve crossed into white trash territory unironically with the yard pda and we’re also freezing to death, how about we take this inside?

-Non!

-Yes, non indeed! I love how frozen your hands are, dear, it’s like you’re a real corpse!

Oh my G-

-Catch me, Creature!

-Je t'aime, dr. Frankènstèin! 

Ok, new suggestion, how about instead of going inside we visit a nice church?

-How abοùt you lôôk awày, pervertir!

Bold words from someone doing Frankenstein roleplay, and I’D LOVE TO, but the kids are at school and the animals are sleeping, so there’s no looking away from whatever the fuck this is. 

Oh thank god, Cyneswith is back from school and ready to cockblock her parents as always. First time I’m genuinely happy to see you, Cyn.

-Straight A’s again! Ah, we may only have one child but she is THE BEST. Wyatt dear, come here to congratulate Cyneswith and further inflate her ego. Wyatt?

-Why is he ignoring my straight A’s, daddy?! 

-Ugh, he’s probably jealous since everyone is jealous of you, darling. Pay him no mind, let’s go inside so I can give you the diamond tiara I got you for your birthday.

-But my birthday is in four months, what will you get me then?

-A throne to go with it and anything you want from Sihara’s and the other one’s rooms?

-They have no rooms, remember? They both sleep in the crypt.

-Right, well how about I act like I got them presents, give them to you and make them watch as you unwrap them?

-Aw daddy💗

-Je ne pas fèèl bien..

Yes, you’re dying, so it’d be some real Frankenstein shit if you did feel bien.

Is this Komei-clone bartender serious, first he calls while the headmaster is over, now he calls while we’re dying, FEEL THE FUCKING ROOM PAL

..and there we go. RIP Wyatt, it’s been sorta ok having you in the fami-

-WTF HOW ARE YOU ALIVE

-HA. I lièd, I AM hàlf pandà and mon beàr gènes protéct moi! 

GODDAMMIT I KNEW IT. Is that why the one child you gave birth to is your exact clone?

-Oui! Wulf est 1/4 pandà, et toi wènt et namèd him WULF. 

Well, to be fair, not a lot of famous pandas I could have named him after even if I knew. 

-Toi çould hàve namèd him Pandà!

Oh man, Panda Union does have a nice ring to it, especially next to the other names.. ~Shajar~, ~Cyneswith~ and PANDA. Thanks a lot for depriving me of the opportunity by withholding your genetic info.

-Je think Wulf est ontό it.. 

Onto the fact he’s 1/4 panda? I highly doubt that.

Yea nevermind, he knows. 

Oh great, Shajar has brought yet another uggo with a culturally appropriative hairstyle home from school. 

-That’s what you get for letting her out of the crypt.

Give it a rest, Jojo, we’ve had enough of your incredible parenting to last us 10 lifetimes at this point. 

-And then it goes: I send the thunder from the sky, I send the fire raining down, I send a hail of burning ice, on every field, on every town! I send the locusts on a wind, such as the world has never seen, on every leaf, on every stalk, until there's nothing left of green! I send my scourge, I send my sword, THUS SAITH THE LORD🎵

-Great, thank you, Shajar, for singing the entirety of the ‘10 Plagues’ song from The Prince of Egypt 27 times. I’m really sorry but I have to go home now-

-It-was-nice-to-meet-you noogie!

..Shajar, please, PLEASE see a doctor. 

-My sister Shajar may be super popular, spoiled and beloved-

WHAT LMAO

-but I have the friendship of animals and that’s all that matters!

Yea, Cyn, no offense, but it feels like you’re trying to cultivate an underdog Disney princess persona for yourself that is the exact opposite of actual family dynamics around here.

-What makes you say that?

Your tiara and throne vs Shajar sleeping in the crypt come to mind.

-So to be an underdog you need to be a loser?

I mean narrative-wise kinda, yea. 

-Message received. 

No, no that wasn’t a message-

-Yes it was and I got you, loud and clear.

Oh god.

-WHAT? YOU’RE REJECTING ME BECAUSE I’M TOO PRETTY? MY HEART IS BROKEN! I DON’T THINK I’LL EVER GET OVER THIS

-Uh, who are you again? Shajar invited me over, ordered a pizza and has been hiding in the bushes for 1 hour waiting to noogie the delivery guy. 

-I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT I’M HEARING! I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SING ABOUT THIS IN AN ENCHANTED FOREST FOR ABOUT 3 AND A HALF MINUTES

Jfc, where are the ghosts when you need them. 

-Mommy has dibs on you tonight, Jojo! 

-Mom please no! Your hair is so damn hideous! Just stay in your urn until the default replacement has been put back!

-Ah excellent, I have upgraded my robotic abilities up to cleanbot level! 

That actually is excellent, I really want us to fire Kaylynn. 

-Cleanbots don’t change cat litter. 

..UGH then why even bother, Jojo? The cat shit is 90% of our problems, make something that fixes that or stop wasting airtime with your nonsense. Istg some people. 

-Alright sis, how about we go out again tonight and ~play the field~? If I get rejected by a couple more mean boys I can earn my underdog princess badge!

-You are so stupid, Cyneswith, if you want to earn your underdog badge all you need to do is board a doomed ship, Titanic style, and then give the floating door to someone you’ve known for a couple of days while you selflessly and pointlessly drown in the freezing ocean despite the fact you could take turns sharing the door.

-But then I would be dead.

-I know right? Everybody wins. Let’s go get you some tickets.

Yea, let’s not, but let’s get out of here because the ghosts are out of fucking control and you two aren’t sleeping anytime soon.

-Shaj-and-Cyn-in-da-club noogie!

Shajar FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, ENOUGH. 

OMG IT’S SOPHIE MIGUEL. SOPHIE MIGUEL IN THE HOUSE

-Whaddup dildos, ‘tis I, Sophie fucking Miguel, the meanest townie teen there is. I’ve only taken 4 steps into this place and I can already tell I’m surrounded by a bunch of beta turbocucks. 

SHAJAR GO TALK TO HER!!!!!

-HEY BITCH, I’M NOT A BETA TURBOCUCK, I’M ALPHA AS FUCK. I’M NAMED AFTER SHAJAR AL-DURR! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS?

SHAJ WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, WHAT IS THIS APPROACH

-Of course I do, the first Mamluk Sultana of Egypt. Nice. 

OMG THAT SHIT WORKED. LAND THE PLANE SHAJ

-Ohhhhhhhh😍 Do you want to talk some more?? Do you like the 10 Plagues song from the Prince of Egypt???

-Nop, as suddenly as I came into your life, I’m dramatically getting the fuck out for no discernible reason, cause that’s just how I roll. Gone with the wind, baby! I’m like an outdoor cat. You’ll never see me again.

-Oh but I will..

YES YOU WILL SHAJ. I’m so on board this particular Titanicesque crackship that it’s un.real. I mean Sophie Miguel literally came into this place, talked to Shajar for less than one minute and then left the bar entirely, in turn leaving us dick in hand. What.an.icon.

In the meantime Cyneswith.. did this. Game-changing night for everyone!

[yakumtsaki]

I only call you when it's half past five, the only time that I'll be by your side, I only love it when you touch me, not feel me, when I'm fucked up, that's the real me, when I'm fucked up, that's the real me, BABE ♪

Here we fucking go again, desperately trying to make the fuckboi wolf commit to a serious relationship. My plan to turn Komei into a werewolf crashed and burned last generation and Jojo has had the want locked for like 10 years and it just won’t fucking happen. I’ve never had a non-cheaty werewolf in this game, I don’t know how other people do it but I’m having a ridic hard time with it. Victor’s ghost is judging me and who can blame him.

Speaking of, Shajar’s makeover is this wolf shirt, and yes, full shade intended. I still can’t believe she rolled popularity, way to single out your weakest spot and make it your life’s purpose. I mean that would be like Wyatt rolling fam-  ..nevermind.

UGH. Will you pick a fucking attitude and stick with it you furry asshole??? 

What kind of defective cuck wolf even is this. He won’t befriend us but he won’t attack either, he just sits around with his plastic bone playing house. USELESS. I didn’t know it was possible to hate a digital animal this much..

..but here comes Maxx to defy all expectations. Happy birthday Maxx, you look so wholesome and Lassie-like, I’m sure life with you will be like a vacation!

LOL. Is antagonizing Sophie really how you want to start your adult life, Maxx?? Well I guess having eyes is overrated.

SOPHIE WTF. You beat Victor but can’t take on this flop? Where is your holy warrior spirit??

- I’m old af and starting to worry about my eternal soul, so I’m literally turning the other cheek.

Nice, thanks for nothing. God I miss Victor.

Man, Maxx has ISSUES. He doesn’t even have a mean personality or a bad relationship with the cats, why are you like this you freak??

NOOOO not the fucking pet fight club again omg MAXX YOU DICK

Great, amazing job, Goro! The real Goro is rolling in his grave. All this went down in literally under a minute after Maxx grew up, talk about determination. 

-HA, kneel before Zod!

That’s not even from Mortal Kombat, Maxx, god, can you not make this worse than it is?

-Yea like I give a shit, what am I, some kind of fatass nerd cat?? I’m a dog, bitch, I like running..

Omg.

-And playing outside..

OMG.

-And being affectionate to my owners!

STOP. Christ, what kind of monster have I brought into our lives???

-One day in and I’m already the alpha.. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? Oh yes, Maxx is.. The best boy. And soon this cat legacy.. will be history.. the Age of Dog.. is finally.. upon us. 

💔💔💔💔💔

Not that we needed further proof that Maxx was given to us straight out of Satan’s unholy womb, but guess who else loves him on top of Cyneswith?? Why, Wyatt, of course, chief of police married to a serial killer, truly the best judge of character the world has ever known. Show me your friends..

..and I’ll show you who you are. UGH DAGMAR

-As a mailwoman I’m programmed to hate your kind, but I feel such a connection between us.. It’s like the universe conspired-

GTFO. Don’t test me, istg I’ll marry you in..

..you actually don’t look half bad compared to what else is out there. Shajar brings Toadface McBooberson here home from school which. why does bigger cleavage clothing even exist for teens and why do I have it, I really need to stop downloading default replacements in the dark. Anyway, hope you’re all ready for the adventure called ‘What is Shajar’s sexual orientation/does she even have one’!

Ugh, this certainly feels familiar. Shajar please, PLEASE fight your Jojo genes, I mean everyone loves Cyneswith, this is shaping up to be Gunter/Jojo volume 2 AND I CAN’T DEAL WITH IT AGAIN

-So, Butterface, my ambition in life is to have my own music theme play whenever I enter a room, like Darth Vader or Mary Poppins-

-Isn’t the sound of people already in the room sighing enough of a theme for you?

-Well it looks like one little frog around here isn’t getting turned into a princess!

Yea, I really don’t know what I expected?? Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it.

Speaking of daddy dearest, let’s check in. How’s it going, Jo? Great? Thought so, ok bye-

-DON’T YOU DARE PAN AWAY AND LEAVE ME TO MY MISERY MY ASPIRATION IS SCARLET RED

I’m sorry Jo but I’m a hear no evil, see no evil, spend-legacy-time-on-no-evil type of bitch and your life just bums me out at this point. But if it’s any consolation, it’s all your fault!

-HOW THE HELL IS IT MY FAULT I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS BULLSHIT

Um, YEA YOU DID. This is generation 2, we’re barely middle class and being heir is quite literally a shit job. Of course you could have minimized the impact had you chosen someone else to marry, but you just HAD to have Wyatt Narcolepsy Monif so.. talk to you later?

-Wyatt I’m worried our ship is sinking and no amount of rotting birthday cake can ease the pain.

-Oui, my estomac hurts toό.. Nothing 14 heures of sleepé won’t remédit of coursé :)

-DIDN’T NEED SUCH A GRAPHIC REMINDER THAT LIFE IS GARBAGE

God, wtf more do you want, 15k and still whining-

-OH. Well this just has Wyatt written all over it, but omg he tried to do a household task, just got confused at the very end. Bravo, leaps and bounds!

Meanwhile Shajar is having a successful interaction with a family member!! It’s a toddler who can’t get away, but whatever, it counts. Looks like this is a game-changing night for everyone.

-YES IT REALLY IS.

Jojo how about you take a page out of Komei’s book and devote your leftover energy to cats or cooking contests or banging Marissa Bendett instead of this constant, obnoxious guilt-tripping?? Man I really didn’t appreciate Komei while I had him.

7 a.m., the usual morning lineup, start on the chores and sweep 'till the floor's all clean, polish and wax, do laundry, and mop and shine up, sweep again, and by then it's like 7:15,  

and so I'll read a book, or maybe two or three, I'll add a few new paintings to my gallery, I'll play guitar and knit, and cook and basically-

-just wonder when will my life begin? ♪

And of course that’s Victor making his nightly appearance and helping put Jojo out of his misery. What a sweetheart!

With the addition of Wulf and his 10 active points generation 3 has officially evolved past sleep, we’re talking 10/10/9 (Shajar you lazy bum) and it’s seriously exhausting. You know how when sims are asleep you can check your phone or eat smth or w/e, yea that’s simply not happening anymore, I’m in constant vigilance all night long..

..and thank god because otherwise I would have missed Allegra and Victor’s ghosts playing??? WTF MAXIS. I’ve never seen this before and it’s the rare combo of sad and adorable. Right in the feels ❤️💔

THAT WASN’T AN INVITATION TO EXPRESS YOUR SADNESS FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME JOJO

Oh “ok” it’s a cockroaches related freak-out. I don’t see anyone else crying over them but that’s Jojo for you. Exterminator bro if you’re that grossed out by a pile of dead insects I have some bad news for you regarding your profession. And while we’re on the topic of professions and crying:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You may recall that Wyatt has been one promotion away from his LTW for about 150 years and all we’ve been doing since is trying to amass the 8 friends needed for it. Welp, we finally got them through our blood, sweat and tears, so what does Wyatt do the day he was supposed to get promoted?? Get fired of course, what else! 

Honestly I’m not even mad, this truly is like the culmination of everything we know Wyatt to be. I mean just cast your minds back to the final moments of this post. We knew what we were getting into. Rock on, Wyatt!

-Nό, there is no disgracéd police capitaine in this maison! Quelle?? I’m not even Français! Et toi shouldn’t be calling personnes at 5 p.m when everyόné is sound asleép!

Time for the black sheep to get the full Kylo Ren treatment. Looking good, Shaj! Now let’s put that hot makeover to use-

-NO.

Here we go, HUMAN contact. Toadface was a bust so let’s try a dude. Shajar do you mind talking about something other than your dead pets??

-But I don’t want to talk about anything else!

Yea and I don’t want to overstate things but I’m getting the distinct feeling finding you a partner is gonna make Daniel’s run at it look like Californication.

Well, the data we’ve gathered so far points to Shajar being a noogiesexual, I’m sure somewhere on tumblr there already exists a pride flag for it. 

That’s right, mop up the dog piss from that grass and think about the face you present to the world.

HOW IS YOUR ASPIRATION GONE TO SHIT AGAIN. WTF ARE YOU DOING WHEN I’M NOT LOOKING, GOING AROUND FACING YOUR FEARS?? JFC

-I have a perma fear of leading the miserable life I’m trapped in.

-Oh look, my kid is potty trainted and I get 5k points.. I’m soooo happy... Definitely don’t miss my serial killer days...

Ok I can’t take this anymore, either Wyatt will have to take up more household duties..

..or we can aim for something within the realm of reality and build a robot servant instead. And if you’re thinkering you’re not whining! Everyone wins.

In the dead of the night, a time when only 12 year old children are awake and watching god knows what-

-Game of Thrones! Team Stark!

Ugh, of course you are-

-Wulf grows up! 

-Woo happy birthday Wulf! Don’t even try to come for my golden child crown, I’m as perfect as my grades.

I don’t like what Game of Thrones is doing to you, Cyn.

First thing Wulf does after his pj makeover is head for the keyboard, which makes the choice for his general makeover clear as day:

Wulf...Wolf...WOLFGANG. I mean, some things are just written in the stars..

..AND SOME THINGS AREN’T, in this case Shajar’s dating life. We get another Butterface McBooberson (wtf is it with this dress in this town) but this one is also sporting terrible hair as a bonus. Score!

Great, we’ve moved from music themes to dead pets to world domination. At least we’re committing to the Kylo persona. Butter 2.0 is into it?? Get a grip girl.

-Um why do you think I have this last century hair? I’m very into monarchy.

This is not only going non-disastrously but dare I say, well?? I can’t tell if I want it to work or not though, on one hand I’ve made my feelings about this face template abundantly clear.. on the other hand this is the first human (except her 10 nice point sister) to like Shaj.. 

..thankfully it looks like there’s no need to solve that dilemma after all. Btw at the time of this writing I literally still don’t know if Shajar is into girls or dudes, or both. No reaction to anyone whatsoever. 

Meanwhile even after the noogie Butter is super receptive and doesn’t hate us? I was as shocked as you are, if we were rich I’d think she has some ulterior motive but nop, it’s just low standards. God bless them-

-cause we made our first friend!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank the fucking lord Shajar’s LTW isn’t friend related, take a wild guess what it is instead.. And of course, the answer is ‘become Mayor’. I can just see the banner now: ‘vote Shajar Union or face the deadly consequences’.

-Ahh my dear, finally, no screaming toddlers ruining my life while you pretend you can’t hear them.. Now I can slowly start un-resenting you.. Maybe there’s hope for this marriage after all..

Not if Cyneswith has anything to do with it! After spending her entire childhood cockblocking by sleeping in her parents’ bed, she literally grew up just as they were about to woohoo for the first time in 10 years. how in character. Wanna know what isn’t in character??? Hold on to your seats, everyone..

............

....................................

..............................................

OK THEN. Much like Wolfgang there is but one appropriate look for the above:

Did anyone think fucking Lolita Cyneswith was remotely possible, let alone probable?? ROMANCE?? And into the elderly???? I thought that combo was bad enough, I mean then you bring in the tinkering factor on top of it and it’s like, Waylon Fairchild and college profs won’t know what hit them.. How naive I was. Things can always, always get worse, and in this family, they usually do. You can probably tell where I’m going with this.. Fast forward a few days and the LTW shows up..

..........................................yup. You know it’s been months and you’d think I’d have articulated a response by now that isn’t just screaming or miscellaneous incoherent sounds, and yet! what can I say, sometimes emotions are so powerful that words fail us. In lieu of a written reaction please listen to this song after the specified time stamp. It’s 3 minutes long and the only lyric is ‘oh no’.

[yakumtsaki]

Ok I knew I hadn’t posted Unions in forever but good lord. The screenshots after, not before, AFTER this.. are the previews for this. Like we’re literally talking ancient history here. Let’s dive right in and see if we can wrap this up sometime during a human’s natural lifespan. SO when we left off we were desperately trying to make friends for Wyatt’s final promotion, ‘desperately’ being the operative word. We’ve done some pathetic shit in our time but shittalking each other to Apartment Life nobodies is honestly peak gutter, so you know. our natural environment. Spoiler alert, the kids are teens now and Wyatt has still not gotten promoted! Truly the Picasso of incompetence.

Good ol’ uncle Gunther is also here for some reason which I’m guessing is ‘came over uninvited’ but at least someone is paying attention to Shajar for once. Beggars can’t be choosers and Gunther as a father figure is the equivalent of someone leaving a button and good vibes in your cup. 

-So you see Shajar, life is nothing but a slow march towards our certain doom so who cares if your parents hate you?? My parents hated me till adulthood and I turned out amazing as you can surely tell by my stripes/plaid/indoor sunglasses combo!

-Think long and hard before procreating, brother, because there’s no guarantee you’ll even like your kids. Looking at you, Shajar.

-Um can I go now?

-Don’t know why you’re here in the first place and not in the crypt where we’ve set up your bed and everything! Kids these days.

Oh right, Brit Brit is also here so I guess I did invite these douchebags over. Way to go @ me.

-BRITTANY HOW COULD YOU TEAR THE MORAL FABRIC OF OUR WIFE-SWAPPING-BASED LIFE PARTNERSHIP LIKE THIS???? JUST STEAL ONE OF THEIR PETS LIKE AN UPSTANDING CITIZEN 

DON’T YOU DARE BRIT-

Ugh nevermind, it’s Sophie aka Brittany in cat form. Take her!

And take Shajar too while you’re at it cause absolutely not @ Victoria dying but the gnome drama living on. ENOUGH. This almost makes me appreciate Cyneswith’s ridiculous 10 nice points for a split second..

..but then I turn around and see this. GOOD GRIEF. How did Jojo and Wyatt produce vegan Tinkerbell here not even god knows.

This alliance of obnoxiousness is but the first in what is gonna become a running theme of every annoying flop in this neighborhood looooooving Maxx. Can’t keep kindred spirits apart for long! Honestly this legacy is turning me from pet maniac to Captain Ahab, like on one hand you have fucking Maxx who hasn’t done anything yet but just you wait till he grows up- 

-and on the other you have FUCKING VICTOR’S GHOST TRYING TO KILL US EVERY NIGHT. Apparently Victor + being a dick = a love not even death can tear asunder. Seriously tg kids can’t die cause these overactive freaks are up all night till the sun, are up all night to get some (entertainment), are up all night for good fun, are up all night to get lucky murdered.

This happens about 3000 times per night, I’m not even taking pics of it anymore, but it’s worth pointing out that everyone in this house, both alive/dead and human/non has a raging hate boner for Shajar in particular. It’s uncanny and depressing..

..and speaking of depressing, UGH. My poor, poor Shajar. I actually attempted to intervene and have them interact being the moron that I am:

JOJO WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM 

.....................................WHERE IS VICTOR’S GHOST WHEN I NEED IT

Yea sure, waste your niceness reserves on fucking Goro here instead, who isn’t even the cat heir and is about to go live on the farm (not a euphemism, Daniel and Melody’s literal farm). This Jojo fuckery is seriously starting to bum me out on top of pissing me off, let me find something cute to look at to raise my spirits..

No.

No.

NO.

Disturbing stuff.

Seems about right.

Old habits die hard.

No.

Ugh.

Ugh.

UGH.

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE

FINALLY. THANK YOU CATS. Now let’s get back to this nightmare..

..and I mean nightmare in the technical sense of something not real occurring when you’re asleep, because Wyatt maxing a skill is truly the stuff of Taylor Swift-Wildest Dreams.mp3. It’s official, the only thing standing between us and Wyatt’s LTW is social ineptitude. But what if we revolutionize the friend game by approaching someone who can’t leave..

..because she’s contractually obligated to be here?? Go for it Wyatt!

-So Kaylýnn, you have the français maid thing going, I’m French and in need of a hag, c’est match made in les paradis!

-Yea sorry, Henry III, but it’s my professional policy to not fraternize with married clients I have no chance of fucking. 

-But..but you’re just a face template fiasco!

-..I have some bad news for you.

Kaylynn left Wyatt dick in hand and went to pet the cats, so I guess the day has arrived for me to go from being the leading Langerak hater of this community to being the leading stan-

-and apparently the leading Jitmakusol stan as well, which as we all know is a large and very competitive group. DOWN WITH JOJO

Well at least you still have this invaluable stamp of approval! All I see in this pic is 3 bags of trash.

Look at this trove, treasures untold, how many assholes can one photo hold? The reason there’s more awful people in our house than usual is the “exciting” occasion of the Shajar/Wulf double birthday and honestly even by our standards this party was especially terrible. Like it makes the one where Komei and Marissa happened look like Project X.

When this is the situation 10 seconds in you know you’re in for a good time. I don’t think a single positive interaction took place this entire party and I’ve subconsciously (?) forgotten every birthday since. What a loss!

Wulf is up first, and of course since this is Wyatt’s literal one and only parenting-related job, it took 3 cakes to happen and no one is paying attention by the time it does.

Wyatt makes one last-ditch effort to kill his child via decapitation and obviously he thinks it worked thus the wide smile. But Wulf is named after the spawn of Satan, head spinning comes with the territory-

-as do incredible looks. Gunther hair + tuxedo, and you think your little yellow blazer is subversive?? Step it up.

-If the sunglasses weren’t blocking the power of my stare this child would be dead by my sheer resentment.

Happy birthday, Wulf! 2/2 surviving murder attempts.

Wulf gets this Don Corleone makeover because a) he also survived murder attempts b) wedding tuxedo c) trying to avoid a Gunther mental breakdown. He looks exactly like Wyatt, like I don’t think there’s a drop of Jojo in there..

..BUT MAN IS THE PERSONALITY PURE UNION. Another nice little addition to our ever expanding freakshow.

Shajar time and no one is paying attention now either but there’s no cake malfunction, they just don’t care! And why should they? What is she, their child?

Wyatt can’t even be bothered to stay standing for literally 10 more seconds. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a parent do that before but you can always count on Wyatt for this sort of innovation. 

And this is what Shajar grows up to: Wyatt half-asleep, Daniel waiting to beat him up and the rest reacting to Wulf having shit himself. I don’t think any further comment is needed. 

Now, having lived through the experience that was Daniel and having marveled at Shajar’s seemingly genetic unlikability, I’m sure we can all tell which is the one aspiration she should under no circumstances roll because it’s going to make nails on a chalkboard seem like a fun musical break.. Yes, this is not a drill..

..we have another trainwreck firstborn who can’t get their own family not to hate them roll popularity. AND DANIEL WAS NICE. Shajar is bringing 1 nice point to the table so all I can say at this point is fml. 

And of course because the above wasn’t bad enough on its own and we always need the overkill, gaze upon whatever the fuck this is-

-YE MIGHTY AND DESPAIR. GOOD GOD SHAJAR 

LOL. Well with the custom sky this is an Under The Dome situation so technically you’re not wrong but still. fucking popularity? Leave the sky alone and aim for ‘slightly above ground’. Even that is pushing it.

Good, finally we return to reality and face the facts. Couldn’t agree more! 

[yakumtsaki]

well this started as a normal preview but evolved into this inexplicable concept of Komei ruining the townie tropical vac by insisting his cats roam free on the plane and getting everyone kicked off. good times

@spookierswamp posted about this shirt the other day and since my aesthetic can only be described as dad couture i converted it and did 3 other patterns. the og ts3 texture that the Goopster is sporting is kinda low definition bc i couldnt extract the pattern to save my life but u cant tell unless u zoom in so i personally dont care, if u do uve been warned!

download 3t2 leafy shirt

pls let me kno if there are any problems + huge thanks @memento-sims for helping me unravel the mystery of naming groups 💗

ETA: 200 years later i reverted to an older version of workshop and was finally able to extract the original pattern (which was the reason @spookierswamp wanted this converted in the first place so u know #good4nothing) but its fixed now! also extracted the elder’s pattern while i was at it and made it hot pink. didnt take previews bc whats the point but here they are

ive updated the mesh link above to include these, if u already have the mesh u can get just the new recolors here 🏝️

[yakumtsaki]

There’s no easy way to say this so I’m just gonna come right out with it: welcome to the most morbid post in Union history. Half the family is getting wiped out in a single update and I don’t mean to point fingers, but it’s 100% Wyatt’s fault. I really need someone to blame so don’t dare try to take this away from me.

Back to the present and not the corpse-filled near future, we actually have some money to spend on our spawn for the first time ever, so Shajar gets a non-completely-depressing room. No more eating from the cat bowl for our kids!

..spoke too soon.

-Is it still there, is it still there??

-YES omg it just looked right at me! Vic! I’m scared!

-Don’t make eye contact with it you fool! Don’t you have any idea about how children work??

After not getting promoted for an eon, Jojo is suddenly killing it, two promotions in a row!

-I know, I was starting to fear I’d be one of those geniuses who are only recognized after death- UGH, what is that obnoxious sound?

That’s your infant child screaming because it was abandoned on the cold hard floor the entire night.

-Oh ok, so standard parenting. For a minute I thought something was wrong.

-There, there, you’re alright. Ok.. OK seriously, stop. God, have some dignity for once in your 12-hour life. Crying in public is so embarrassing.

-NEEEEEEO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Yup. I’ve been so focused on feeding Victor and Alegra’s ancient asses from the bowl of life that I forgot Neo was an elder too, so he’s the first to go even though he’s way younger than them, great job @ me. Goodbye Neo 💔 You were such a good boy, our cat heir, and an integral part in achieving Komei’s life-ruining LTW. You will be sorely missed.

..Apparently by your archenemy Victor most of all. Vicky casually walked off the lot the minute Neo died with no notifications about running away, only to return on his own shortly after. Wtf is going on in this house.

-I had to contemplate the futility of hate.. All this time wasted trying to kill each other and for what.. It's a sunrise and a sunset from a cradle to a casket.

Yea or this lot is already glitched as fuck and it’s only generation 2. Good times.

I was very bummed out by Neo’s premature demise and not in the mood for another kid, but one peek at Jojo and Wyatt’s life bars convinced me to drop the mourning period and circle-of-life this bitch. They are extremely not getting any younger and who tf do I think I am? Someone who knows better than Mufasa?However since a) Jojo is nowhere near his 100k LTW and can’t be taking days off and b) and more importantly, I hate Wyatt, guess who’s carrying this time around!

OH COME ON

GODFUCKINGDAMMIT WYATT

-Huhu!

How the hell did this happen I DEMAND TO KNOW

-Check how your mods work in le futur, idiόt!

..well you got me there.

Jo you are ON FIRE, 3/3! Maybe we can actually complete this 100k bullshit before you’re on death’s doorstep. It’s gonna be close tho, but you know, you just HAD to get knocked up again, so that’s on you.

-No, it’s on YOU.

No, it’s ON WYATT. Let’s just not point fingers and move on, ok? Everyone is equally to blame.

-NO THEY’RE NOT

I’VE MOVED ON I CAN’T HEAR YOU

And now a section I like to call: What the entire fuck is happening. VICTORIA WHAT ARE YOU DOING

-What?? I love babies :)

I legit went back and checked, can you guess how many times Victoria autonomously interacted with any of her kids when they were babies/toddlers? If you had EXACTLY ONE TIME you win..nothing. There are no winners here.

Oh. my. god. 

-Stop hogging her already, I wanna feed her too!

-WELL WAIT YOUR TURN DICK. No, not you, baby bobo booboo.. 

We’ve had our fair share of plot twists around here but this is truly some fucked up shit. In case you don’t get what the big deal is, enjoy this little trip down memory lane aka the Victoria-Komei-parenting-hall-of-fame. Either the ‘age mellows people out’ thing applies to sims too or they got personality transplants when I wasn’t looking. Disturbing.

Of course SOME THINGS never change, no matter how life-ruining for all involved.

-Is this about my LTW, STILL? It’s been like 20 years, GET OVER IT

NEVER

Whachu doing Vic?

-Updating my will to include Komei now that I suddenly love him. Of course someone has to get cut to make that happen..

Well goodbye Daniel I guess!

-..Who the fuck is Daniel?

-I too am making preparations for when I leave this cruel world.

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume they’re cat-related.

-NO, not everything is about cats! I have plenty of other interests and concerns. 

Name one.

-My beloved son! I’m making sure he takes care of my cats.

Finally, this family’s excellence is starting to be recognized. It’s about time.

-Yea no, this is a recognition that you trainwrecks need all the help you can get.

UGH typical jealous hater bullshit, I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.

Ok, I’ve some idea what you’re talking about. Honestly what else has to happen for me to just. stop fucking throwing kid’s birthday parties? I’m pretty sure we’ve had..one that wasn’t a straight up disaster? God knows those glory days aren’t returning any time soon.

-I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m having a blast :D

Of course you are Gunther, you haven’t been sober since the third year of college.

AND SOME PEOPLE ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THAT. ABSOLUTELY NOT. HALF ALIEN PROF ISTFG

-I’m legit fine with this :)

I legit don’t care, it’s not happening in our sacred home. Also BRIT IS RIGHT THERE JFC you’ve gotten stupid as shit.

You guys seriously, what sins am I paying for, why can’t we have ONE NORMAL NON-INCESTUOUS PARTY. JUST ONE. Daniel heartfarting over his ex, ok, not that weird. Komei heartfarting over his daughter-in-law..getting weird. Gunther heartfarting over Half Alien Prof..reaching for the chlorine to bleach my eyes and then immediately drink.

Nice, get in on that action Wyatt! We almost forgot about your long standing boner for your brother-in-law.

Happy birthday, Shajar! You’re welcome for this amazing party, pay me back by not being ugly.

..yea ok. You did your best with the tools you were given. And I mean the literal giant tools that are your parents. Hopefully Wyatt came through with his somewhat balanced personality???

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OH MAN. 10 playful, 9 active and 1 nice? Literally sporting Jigsaw’s personality. I mean darling Jojo has 3 nice points and is..how he is, can’t even imagine what Shajar is gonna grow up to be like, but it’s good to know we’re moving in the exact opposite direction than intended.

-Enjoyed your kid’s birthday party, you cheating bastard? WELL PARTY’S OVER

-I may be a cheating bâtard-

-SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH YOUR SELECTIVE FRENCH ACCENT

AW Neo’s ghost making its first appearance and trying to kill Wyatt, what a sweetheart. Welcome to the party!

It was one for the history books! 

-How on earth did this party suck, I had an exceptional time.

Yea that’s because you weren’t there, it’s easy to have an exceptional time away from this family. Of course I have never personally experienced it but the mind does race.

-AH at last, my article is published! Oh, editor’s pick too, ha, of course. No, wait, editor’s warning.. As requested by the legal department? Drama queens. “Horrifying views expressed.. Widely discredited.. Not endorsed in any way by this publication.. DERIVATIVE??!!” Well, I know what I’m doing this weekend.

Is it.. rewriting your article?

-Oh, I’ll rewrite it alright. IN BLOOD

Great. Speaking of blood-

-Victor’s thirst for it is back with a vengeance. We went an entire 4 days without a cat fight and I was all like ‘woo new record’ but one thing has become clear since then:

Victor didn’t go away to contemplate shit. He was waiting..plotting..training..and now the time has come for Victor 2: Reign of Blood.

-WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW??

Seems about right. Honestly Sophie is the wisest one among us because she got tfo just in time to miss THIS:

Yea, unsurprisingly fucking Damien here is one vicious screamer. WHAT DO YOU WANT

-YOUR SOULS

Good luck finding any in this house.

-Who’s my cute little spawn of satan? Who is? Come to grandma baby.

-ONE SMALL STEP FOR ME, ONE GIANT LEAP TOWARDS THE ANNIHILATION OF MANKIND

Wyatt continues to do nothing of use all day and is not even getting promoted anymore due to his tragic lack of skill points. Somehow that led me to deciding he should be the one to get the genie wishes, I honestly dk wtf my problem is.

-Greetings, mortal etc etc. I’m gonna skip over the intro, you know the deal with the dealio, 3 wishes, let’s hit it.

-I was expectànt more of an Aladdin flair but c’est bien I guess..

-DON’T DARE MENTION THAT MOVIE TO ME YOU FRENCH ASSHOLE

-Um, oui, your désir c’est my command..Huhu! 

-Is one of your wishes the return of your brain, because you should throw that in there.

-Non, non. C’est but one wish in mon coeur, Genié. To nevér, evér have to interact with my bébés but still have beaucoup of them.. In case you can’t tell, I am sim de famille!

-Ugh yea, that much is obvious.

-Well, your wish is granted, mortal! Let me just flick your nose as hard as I can and we’re done here..

-Pourquoi?

-Oh no reason, just for my own pleasure. Buh-bye!

-And with that, he turned into la fumée, mon cheri! Incrediblé!

-I hate my life.

That makes two of us. As in I hate your life too, my life is pretty good.

KOMEI DO YOU MIND WITH YOUR DANGEROUS CURVES, Jojo has a grueling skilling schedule to keep up with.

-So this is it. Rock bottom. 

I mean, you wanted to be heir boo, you got it. It’s a dirty job.

Finally one of the Mortal Kombat cats lives up to its name! GET FUCKED VICTOR

-K.O

Well, we all saw that coming. Victor seriously, you’re like 50yo, don’t do this.

-I’m outta here for the fourth time bitches, and this time I’m not coming back! No man is an island but this cat is.

Ok, see you soon.

Wyatt’s wish is definitely coming true, he has not touched Shajar a single time yet, autonomously or otherwise! What a guy.

-I HAVE NO USE FOR EARTHLY FATHERS, THE ONE I NEED AWAITS US ALL IN HELL

It’s gonna be a long fucking generation.

-WYATT. WYATT YOU DAMN MORON WAKE UP

-Ugh Jojό, I told you, my magique protects me from all bébé interactiόn.

-DOES IT PROTECT YOUR TORSO FROM MULTIPLE STAB WOUNDS

It’s a girl! I’m like why stray from a proven formula, so I name her Cyneswith after another Crusader Kings character, who did not exist irl like Shajar but was still a fire emoji empress of Britannia. Welcome to the shitshow Cyneswith! No offense, it was great to meet you, but we have some important shit to do so..have fun on the floor?

FUCKING FINALLY. It’s promotions only from now on boo! 

..Which is more than I can say for some people. Wyatt seriously, can you move your useless ass up the ladder already so we can avoid having this freak in our house EVERY SINGLE DAY.

-The boy’s just following his heart ;)

Half Alien Prof you are by far the biggest pervert I’ve ever had in this game and Jojo spent his entire teenagehood trying to start a bdsm relationship with Stephen Tinker.

Well, Victor predictably died off lot, which is so on brand for him I’m not even mad. An insufferable dick to the very end, he lived to eat and to start fights with every animal he ever came in contact with. He only ever really loved Victoria. I’m gonna miss him so much.

Victor may have died, but that’s not going to stop the police department from trying to return him to us. Just remember that that place is under Wyatt’s supervision and it all makes sense.

Can hardly wait, Professional Make-Up Cop.

-I want to play a game, Alegra.

Man is someone gunning to be put up for adoption!

-Papa’s birthday présent to you, Shajar, is us finally meeting! Breathe it in, mon favori, I’ll be seeing you again on your next anniversaire!

-Wyatt I swear to fucking god, I will stab you.

Can we get this going please, I’m in NO MOOD.

Not bad at all! A pretty even mix of Wyatt/Jojo and I see you def did not get the Komei jaw, which is pretty much angels singing.

-Angels singing makes my eyes roll in the back of my skull. 

You make my eyes roll in the back of my skull.

-What?

What. I didn’t say anything. Love you Shaj!

-One more for the road babe? After 50 years?

Yea. Just pretend everything that follows has a broken heart emoji before and after each word.

I dress Vic up and have her wait for Death in the living room like a lady, none of those ‘dying in the bathroom in my underwear’ deaths, befitting people like Wyatt. However ideal the circumstances as far as death goes, my heart still broke in more pieces than cats Komei has petted.

-VICTORIA UNION

-Marisa? Is that you?

-NO, IT’S-wow cool armchair, where did you get-no, sorry, you’re dying and all, let me start over..

-VICTORIA UNION, YOUR TIME HAS COME. I’M HERE TO COLLECT YOUR WRETCHED SOUL

-What? My soul is not wretched jerkoff, the fuck you talking about?

-THAT’S JUST A THING WE SAY BECAUSE IT SOUNDS COOL, PLEASE DON’T RUIN IT

-HERE’S YOUR COMPLIMENTARY VIRGIN MARGARITA

-Virgin??? Oh god, I’m going to hell aren’t I?

-YOU WERE, BUT YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER MADE SOME CALLS ON YOUR BEHALF. WELCOME TO HEAVEN

-Yes, I can taste the alcohol in this! GOING GONE, BITCHES. LATES

The stacks of simoleons DID NOT EASE MY PAIN. I do love that Daniel got the most final version of ‘and none for Gretchen Weiners, bye’ possible.

Jojo is fucking devastated and immediately rolls the want to resurrect Vic. It’s bummy af, I’m not even gonna go for the obvious oedipal jokes, he was just crying for days and days and days..

Komei, on the other hand, WAS NOT.

-Eh, I’ll be seeing her soon enough, why waste the tears.

Now that I think about it Komei has never cried about any of the cats either, I think he’s just the type of person who deals with grief by suppressing it. Whatever works.

Jojo and Wyatt are always having these fashion talks whenever they’re eating which are hilarious because I can see Wyatt being into it, I mean he’s french, but in what world is fucking nerd Jojo interested in clothing. Not even that can cheer him up now 💔

Fucking Florence, bringer of doom, returns Sophie to us and the moment she does:

Tell me how am supposed to live without you, now that I've been loving you so long, how am I supposed to live without you, how am I supposed to carry on, when all that I've been living for.. is gone 💔

FUCK YOU FLORENCE

Jfc the blows just won’t stop coming. LEAVE US ALONE WE’RE IN MOURNING

Time for Cyneswith’s depressing ass birthday which I can’t give less of a fuck about, and apparently neither can Wyatt but then again he wouldn’t even if we weren’t ~back to black.

Loving the hairstyle but it does look ridic on a toddler. Good for you for committing to your british aristocracy character tho, very Downton Abbey.

Well the Komei jaw always knocks twice and apparently we let it in this time. Are you beautiful on the inside Cyneswith?

OH. MY. FUCK. BYE. CYNESWITH YOU FUCKING FREAK

-Huhu! 

NO SHE GOT THE HUHU. GOD HELP US

Cyneswith dramatically enters the toddler stage by immediately going into aspiration failure.. You can all guess where this is going.

-KOMEI UNION YOUR TIME HAS COME. I’M HERE TO COLLECT YOUR-

-Yea yea whatever, are my cats waiting for me? If you say no I will literally kill myself.

-I DON’T THINK YOU’RE GRASPING THE CORE CONCEPT OF DEATH, BUT YES THEY ARE WAITING.

-I’M OUT. TELL THE WOLF I LOVED HIM

KOMEI 💔 I’m sorry but we will not be delivering that message.

Apparently Jojo and Komei legit bonded at some point?? I was expecting like a half-hearted sigh but instead we got sobbing-

-and this sum that does not imply ‘least favorite kid’ AT ALL.

Well you know how the old saying goes: nothing will ever replace your parents but a helicopter will come close. 

Also in mourning: this breakdancer npc that randomly appeared on our lot and stayed stuck there for 2 days before I finally batboxed her into oblivion. This lot is fuuuucked y’all.

And generation 1 is officially over. Rest in peace Komei and Victoria, legacy founders, horrible spouses and somehow even worse parents. You stuck it out and were fun to play till the very end. I’ll really miss you guys 💔

[yakumtsaki]

Take your hands off me, I don't belong to you, you see, and take a look at my face for the last time, I never knew you, you never knew me, say hello.. ♪

WAVE GOODBYE. 

WHADDUP PPL. Much like Ronroneo, we’re back from the dead and ready for a whole new generation of Union fuckery. We’re also officially.. drumroll.. MIDDLE CLASS. Our shiny new house is based on this one by frottana-sims​, which I downloaded but dumbassly forgot to install, and since loading the game takes a hot half-hour I opted for this poor recreation instead. We start the extreme home makeover with an incredible budget of..

...Yea, I see the value of getting 6 pets to the top of their careers now. Included in this insane sum is the 20k+ that Wyatt and Jojo brought with them moving in, and at first I’m worried that we’re way too rich for only generation 2. Well, careful what you wish for, cause here’s our post-remodeling budget:

LMAO. It’s as if not a day has passed since Vic started this legacy with a dream in her heart and crap to her name. Let’s check out the new digs!

Everything was purple.. his pills.. his hands.. his foyer. 

As eagle-eyed readers may observe, both the hall and the living room were designed with nothing else in mind but whether they matched our cat paintings. Per legacy rules I use as little cc as possible, which isn’t that hard since I feel this bizarre, angular and hugely impractical couch really encapsulates Jojo’s essence. Like if he was a servant in Beauty and the Beast this would be his furniture form.

Apparently the only things I deemed important enough to capture were the cat portraits, so it looks like my Komeization is finally complete! Here’s some floorplan shots tho so you don’t get disoriented in our labyrinth-like mansion. Please note our amazing pink-blue-purple kitchen! Barbie’s Dreamhouse who??

And here’s the second floor, which also illustrates the exact point I ran out of money. Honestly looking back I don’t understand how the fuck this place cost 70k?? Like nothing is particularly expensive except the amazing vintage batmobile which was around 30-40k and some of the paintings? But I guess all the small things add up in the end + I’m super bad with money..

..and I’m not the only one. Jojo GET A FUCKING GRIP and A JOB. Literally no comment @ your cat wants, you inherited the jaw, wasn’t that enough??? ANYWAY. I know the question on everyone’s mind is how is Wyatt going to fit in with the Unions.. and all I have to say about that..

..is LOL. Truly the perfect career for when your mother-in-law is a criminal mastermind and your husband is a serial killer! I mean the jokes practically write themselves. At least he doesn’t want 10 kids or any shit like that, cause I’ve seen hell and it was the result of mixing Jojo/Wyatt genes in cas.

On top of gifting us with his future-probably-fug children, Wyatt also gives us the gift of our first ever kitchen fire when he decides to make dinner with 1 cooking point. His generosity really knows no bounds.

It’s all fun and games now but Wyatt deadass almost died in the inferno and was about to take poor, stupid Komei with him, who of course ran to the fire even though he was in the yard. Meanwhile Victoria was safely watching tv and didn’t move while Jojo..

..was doing this in the next room. Two types of sims I guess!

-So Wyatt, you’ve been here for almost an hour now, burned down our kitchen and I still don’t see any grandchildren. I thought you were a family sim!

-Haha oh mom, you’re hilarious! Ignore her, Wyatt, let’s enjoy your delicious pasta.. It was definitely worth almost dying for.

-Your mama is right, mon cheri, not only do you have an obligatión to your famille but I rolled the want to have a bébé the second we graduated!

-Well it’s still gonna be there when we aren’t broke, Wyatt, god!

-But.. bébés, mon cheri! Tons of bébés I can have but never interact with, in typical famille sim fashión!

-UGH thanks a lot for opening this gate, mom. If only you had found your love of children when I was living on cat food.

-Well it’s different when they are your children, everyone knows that.

-THAT’S NOT WHY PEOPLE SAY THAT MOM

-Honestly, Jojό, I’m prouder of taking down your répugnant suitόrs than I am of graduating with honors!

-Aww Wyatt <3

-And if I have to souffrir through a childless existence to be with mon amour, so be it (:

-Aw- wait what?!

-Really, c’est bien, Jojό, marriage is all about compromise, nό? I mean, not that I would know since we’re not even married yet!

-Wyatt we’ve been here for 3 hours.

-My point précisément.. C’est bien though!

-Can’t believe I’m saying this but I really regret murdering Ti-Ning. 

That makes two of us, Jo. Honestly even Francis would be better than this. Family sim spouse??? Tf was I thinking. 

Ah, some things never change <3 It’s a new day and someone very special passes by our lot..

UGH NO not you asshole, once again delivering bills at the worst possible time.

-Miss me bitch?? Lolol

ONE OF THESE DAYS DAGMAR. ONE OF THESE DAYS ISTG

No, it’s mismatched beard townie, whose regular outfit is simply iconic, and he’s waving at me! What a sweetheart! TAKE SOME NOTES DAGMAR YOU FROZEN-FACED FREAK

-Umm he’s actually waving at me, moron.

-WRONG, he’s waving at me!

Ok it literally doesn’t matter who he’s waving at. 

-Well c’est moi. 

OK WHATEVER WYATT GOD. Just go off to work in a position you’re criminally unqualified for and try not to die ok??

-Why would I mourir?

Hm let’s see, maybe because you’re a ‘SWAT Team Leader’ straight out of college with a shocking lack of skill points?? Jfc college degrees in this game are so fucking op it’s legit making me resentful of my sims.

In other news, major dicks Sophie and Victor have started constantly beating each other up and the only thing surprising about this development is that it took this long. Honestly these fights are peak #TeamNoOne. Please note Alegra who continues to give 0 fucks @ the bloodshed. What a gal <3

Burning with religious fervor, fundamentalist nutjob Sophie emerges victorious!

-I WALK WITH GOD BITCH

Tears. Literal tears. Victor is the most unbelievable creature I have ever played.

-The rampant violence in this house is a violation of human rights! I AM OUTTA HERE

Literally still cannot believe this happened, like the sheer NERVE is killing me. Victor has started every fight he’s ever been in for an astounding total of 40-50 fights, and as you all know he almost always wins. Like this one was what? The fourth one he lost?? AND YET HE RUNS AWAY LIKE HE’S THE VICTIM I HATE/LOVE HIM SO MUCH

Meanwhile this happens which, of course. Leave it to me to finally get a chance card right for the only sim who doesn’t even deserve the job he currently has.

..Police Chief Wyatt reporting for duty! And crime increased 80% overnight. 

In actual good and not lawsuit-waiting-to happen news, Wyatt brought Amanda, Vic’s only friend/lesbian crush with him! Amanda has the distinct honor of being literally the only non-Union non-Jojo person Vic has ever genuinely liked and hasn’t had an affair with. YET THAT IS.

Man, these are some fat fucking flies. I’m talking 10 plagues of Egypt teas. 

-I KNOW, where the fuck is Komei, what are we paying him for?

-I’m over here honey, talking to my least favorite son for the second time in my life, since apparently he’s sticking around.

-Yes, thanks for requesting a recount of the heir vote, dad. I will remember it when I decide where to scatter your ashes. 

-I TOLD YOU I WANT THEM MIXED WITH THE CAT LITTER 

Ugh Komei, please stop trying to bond with your son and do something productive instead-

-like finally convincing Neo to bang Sophie. She has refused 3 TIMES because there’s a rule I have to earn kittens by suffering. I mean Alegra refusing to procreate with Victor made sense, it was Victor, wtf is Sophie’s excuse? Waiting for marriage?

ABOUT TIME

YAS. CAT GEN 3 ON THE WAY. Human gen 3 will have to wait till I’m in the mood to deal with screaming infants aka it might take a while.

The science career FINALLY SHOWS UP after 5 fucking days, jfc. Love how Wyatt’s dumb ass started as a swat team LEADER but Jojo who has half the skills maxed starts as a science teacher. Also love the idea of Jojo as a teacher in general, I mean just imagine having him teach you science in high school. I would literally drop out.

Jojo returns from work, brings this rando with him and doesn’t get promoted. We can’t all be Wyatt I guess! We’re not completely broke anymore tho so..

It is time.

Gunther, Melody and Max Flexor on one side..

Craig, Brit Brit, Ti-Ning and Daniel on the other. What a bunch of assholes, Craig obviously excluded. Remember him? I invited him because he and Jojo are still semi-friends thinking he wouldn’t show up and yet here he is! What a good guy. 

-It’s at moments like this, watching your high school boyfriend get married.. that you really get to thinking..

Awww.

-..there but for the grace of god go I.

Less awww. You’re not wrong tho, definitely dodged a sociopathic bullet..

..not everyone is that lucky. WE GET IT WYATT YOU’RE CRAZY AND IN LOVE

-Mon bien adoré, I vow to aimer and honόr you and not cheat on you again or at least be more discrete about it <3

-And I vow not to kill you and feed you to the cats for as long as we both shall live <3 

Ah, true love, you guys. 

Too bad half our guests are inside dancing-

-OR HAVING COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE AND UNTIMELY THOUGHTS. TI-NING SERIOUSLY GO TO HELL. I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU HOW DARE YOU

Well at least Vic is excited which is more than I can say for Gunther who is literally LOOKING THE OTHER WAY. 

Time to cut the cake with the sky as our only witness, since everyone has taken a plate from the buffet and fucked off inside. Seriously WORST GUESTS EVER 

Not one to be outdone by his guests’ questionable behavior, Wyatt takes the time to remind us who he really is. 

-And n'est-ce pas forget it!

Despite all the obvious problems, like one of the grooms literally going to sleep, our party score is ‘good time’ which is a truly rare and exciting occurrence. With less than a minute left I’m feeling pretty confident that nothing can ruin this wedding!

Weirdly no one has touched the champagne even though sims in general are obsessed with it?? My best guess is everyone is at a loss for words at having to toast this union and who can blame them tbh. Thankfully Daniel steps up and I find it super sweet because I’ve forgotten that he and Wyatt are mortal enemies and it’s only by chance they haven’t beaten each other up on this instance like they have countless times before.

-Let’s all raise a glass to my beloved brother, Jojo, who generously woke up to attend his own wedding reception! Just one of many examples of his fine, giving character. Too bad he’s committing his life to a complete waste of space adulterous loser like Wyatt, who I’m not even convinced is really french, since his ability to speak and understand english fluctuates according to convenience. Man, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but this choice in spouse is just too tragic. Oh well! To Jojo!

NOICE, still a good time. SO CLOSE

AND YET SO FAR. Goddammit do you two mind killing each other on your own time and not literally 10 seconds before our wedding ends??

-DIE WHORE, THIS WILL TEACH YOU TO STEAL MY MAN

-THAT’S MY LINE SLUTBAG

-HA! ZUMBA, BITCH

-Wow, so glad I woke up for this, really got my bloodlust going! 

Indeed a roaring success if there ever was one. I mean how can this night possibly get any better?

.............of course.

Oh nice, I remembered to install an alarm for once! I’m also desperately trying to wake up Wyatt thinking that he’s fucking CHIEF OF POLICE so he might prove useful in this situation..

..especially since we get this cop of a completely untrustworthy Bieber hairstyle. Talk about striking fear in the heart.

Sadly it turns out that Wyatt could not give less of a shit that we’re getting robbed and picks this moment to head for wedding buffet leftovers-

-while Bieber cop prevails! This robber is awesomely named Russ Bear btw and I wish that was my name, sounds like a slavic medieval folkore hero. But I digress. Please prepare yourselves because our first robbery is about to take a dark turn.

-Ehh, you get at a certain level on la force, you just become desensitized to la criminalité..

-Oh don’t worry Wyatt, I totally understand.. I mean I’ve robbed so many houses in my time, I hardly blink anymore..

-So it looks like you and I are not so different after all.. ;)

.............

.....................

............................why. why has the universe chosen me for the greatest suffering the world has ever known. i try and i try but incestuous relationships just keep sprawling like mythical strangler vines. i bet this wouldn’t happen to someone named Russ Bear. fml

[yakumtsaki]

Oh great, look who’s here. Apparently Dagmar is gonna follow us to the ends of the earth. Why tf are we even getting bills WE LIVE IN THE DORMS

-LOL for now that is! You trashbags are getting expelled before the semester is over. Cant’ believe you got accepted in the first place, higher education has really lost it’s way..

Yea I can’t believe we got in either, seeing as our classmates are obvious academic overachievers such as this..

Shamelessly copying Goopy’s look? Nice try random dormie but we all know there’s only one man who can pull this shit off. Stop embarrassing yourself.

Speaking of embarrassing yourself, Daniel is walking around in this amazing worker cap/silk pjs combo. Looking good, Dan.

-Prole on the streets, capitalist in the sheets!

Yea being a capitalist in the sheets is not very promising for your partners, I’d put that line back in the drawer.

#aesthetic 

-I’m trapped.. in the desert.. of my own mind 💔

A desert is really too peaceful a metaphor for that 19th century circus you have going on up there, Jo. OH, you know what might help?

-Calling Max for a date???

LOL of course not, that isn’t the answer to anything ever. No, writing your term paper so you can get some scholarship money and we don’t spend our 4th year eating desert snakes!

-I liked my idea way better. Unless you want me to give a call to imaginary Stephen?

UGH FINE damn you. I want it on the record that I object in the STRONGEST of terms. 

-I care about that almost as much as I care about not dating genetic clones of my parents (:

While Jojo is making bad decisions, this guy who is sexily named Wyatt Monif passes by and heartfarts over him! He looks pretty cute but I think 90% of it is that hair which looks good on everyone. Still, he’s about a million times preferable to Max so we need to snatch him up pronto. What do you think, Jo?

-You expect me to account for opinions which you choose to call mine, but which I have never acknowledged.

OH GOOD LORD NOT THE DARCY SHIT AGAIN. Come on, his name is fucking WYATT MONIF. Plus he has great hair. Plus plus he looks nothing like your father. And, most important of all, HE LIKES YOU ALL ON HIS OWN. What a catch! 

-A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment.

UGH

Oh yea, that’s amazing, Max. Can’t fucking wait.

An extremely accurate representation of my level of excitement about this pairing.

Oh nice, looks like the Union tradition of talking about cats on dates is gonna take care of this little problem for me. Tell him more, tell him more, did she put up a fight?

-SHE DID. AND WON.

-THAT’S INCREDIBLE.

GODDAMMIT EVERY KOMEI CLONE IS FUCKING OBSESSED WITH CATS

-Wow, these two really look alike...

Don’t I fucking know it, Obvious Business Major. Also what’s wrong with you girl, you reject Gunther but heartfart over mega-jaw Jojo?

-Well, he looks rich!

Well he extremely isn’t. If he was he could afford a better suit recolor than this atrocity I forced on him.

-Wait, what... There’s 2 of them and they’re getting it on?? Man I need to lay off the shrooms.

WILL YOU TWO CLONE WEIRDOS GET A ROOM YOU’RE SCARING AWESOMELY-DRESSED-RAVER-DUDE

-Ew, the full jock look in 2017? Très passé..

Wyatt I’ve only seen you twice now but I love you already. Amazing name, btw.

-Oh, thank you, well my father is French-

Yea didn’t ask for your life story bro. We need to team up to put a stop to this madness. The means will not be, you know.. completely legal. 

-But of course, mon chéri Jojό deserves the best! He’s such a kind, sensitive soul, I can tell..

LMAO oh Wyatt you’re in for a wild ride. No backsies tho, we’re in this together, till death do us part. And if you’re dating Jojo that might come sooner than expected.

Oh yes, maybe we should, Max... May. be. we. should.

-Wait, why did that sound sinister?

What? It’s not sinister, I’m just saying, you know, maybe we should. Totally random q: apart from Mitch you don’t have anyone who would look for you, right? If like, you know. You disappeared. 

-WTF kinda question is that??

I’M JUST MAKING POLITE CONVERSATION MAX, GOD. PARANOID MUCH? Well, off to class you go! And remember.. Live in the moment.

-So long, my dear, I will miss you terribly! 

-AWWW JOJO-BEAR ♡

BARF. Anyway, you might wanna extend that goodbye a little, Jo.

-Why? We’ll be seeing each other again tomorrow!

Oh yea, sure you will, sure you will, but Max has to go now, we don’t want to keep him from his studies, do we? GTFO ALREADY MAX

Oh look, Wyatt is here now! What an incredible but still plausible coincidence. Why don’t you talk to him for a while? 

-Fine, I GUESS, but my heart’s not gonna be in it. There’s only room for one person in there ♡

Is that person.. yourself? 

-Yes and anyone who sufficiently looks like me! Except my father, of course.

Of course, of course. But you know how these things go, Jo, people leave, or are murdered, spots open up, and before you know it you’re trying to run a store 2 days before Christmas with no staff..

-What on earth are you talking about?

Don’t worry about it. Do hang out with Wyatt some more though!

Later that night, we get an unexpected visit from Gunther’s half-alien art professor. Well, we all knew the road to Gunther’s graduation was gonna be paved with banging the elderly. Welcome to our establishment, prof!

-Ah, Professor, I know a woman of your stature would never approach a student for anything but school-related business, but you’re simply too radiant to resist..

-Oooh, barely legal, I mean Gunther!

Damn Gunther, is there anyone in the universe you don’t have chemistry with? 

-You can tell she was hot when she was younger ♡  

Sure, maybe you guys can go spelunking and look at one of her portraits from back in the day.

-If you come up to my room, I can also massage your varicose veins ;)

Hey don’t give it away, we charge extra for that! 

-Mon dieu, my heart breaks for my darling Jojό, having to grow up in such a family.. I saw le communiste earlier, engaged in unspeakable acts with a statue de Lénine!  

Don’t worry, Wyatt, I can assure you Jojό is nothing like these freaks! Now give us some space, would you? We’re trying to run a business here.

-Where were we? Oh yes, what about this little wrinkle here?

God, so gross. But also, aww! Look at you, Gunther, fully committed to romancing septuagenarians for personal gain, just like your mother before you.. Family values :’)

YAAAS. Once again, hard work pays off. Stay in school, kids.

[yakumtsaki]

I’m in the worst mood ever! Good (?) news for you guys though, cause I need an outlet for my rage so prepare yourselves for.. another profanity filled Union update! Keeping it real and fresh as always, aka what Komei has been doing to the litter 24/7 since our lot can barely contain all the cat shit we’re drowning in. We’re halfway thru completing Komei’s lifetime want, 3 cats at the top of their careers out of 6, and it’s only taken a literal lifetime.

So the situation in the house continues to bear an unsettling resemblance to the last days of the Roman Empire. No wonder these cats can’t get promoted when they’re too busy trying to avoid getting killed by Visigoth Victor. We have Victor vs Ronron...

Victor vs Neo..

Victor vs Alegra..

..and Victor vs Roux! I’m starting to suspect that Victor may be the problem here.

☕

Meanwhile Victoria and Komei are having the time of their lives watching the bloodshed! Last time I saw either of them so happy was when they were cheating on each other. Bread and circuses indeed.

One small glimmer of hope appears when Roux gets this insane bonus and then immediately gets promoted!

I’m all like YAAAAS BITCH SLAY, 4/6!!! and then NOT 2 FUCKING SECONDS LATER:

..............

.........................

...................................FUCK. ME.

How many times is it now that Neo has gotten fired, cause I’ve literally lost count. Imagine if he wasn’t the ~genius one. Way to disgrace your mother’s name!

I’m so upset by Neo’s fuckery that I take Melody and Gunther out clubbing in the middle of the day to feel better. Ah, so cute ❤

SO. CUTE.  ❤

PERFECTION ❤

Unfortunately our milf past is back to haunt us.

-Ooooh, hey there, jaibait ;) Look at your girl. Then back at me-

GODDAMMIT GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BRANDI LETOURNEAU. IS THERE ONE NON-PREDATORY ADULT WOMAN IN THIS TOWN

We run into the Count, and Melody has the honor of being introduced to one of Victoria’s lovers, an important rite of passage for anyone marrying into this family. Congrats, Melody! Let’s ignore Daniel’s first kiss, Lakshmi, who seizes the opportunity of Melody turning her back to discreetly merge herself with Gunther, and then spends the rest of her stay furiously heartfarting over him. Jfc Gunther, what do you do, roll around in honey?

-It’s Axe bodyspray ;)

Ugh fuckboi. You better not cheat on Melody, you hear???

I MEAN SHE GAVE US A FUCKING ELECTROSPHERE AS A DATE PRESENT. Thank you Melody! Finally the litterboxes get the lighting extravaganza they deserve.

AND VICTORIA TOPS HER CAREER. TIME TO RETIRE AND LOUNGE AROUND FOREVER ❤

When I tell you guys that Komei wants to bankrupt us I’m not kidding. Ever the practical spirit, the moment we have some extra cash he starts rolling wants to buy $2k stereos and $5k games. GROW UP

This night is a mixed bag, on one hand Vic topped her career, on the other Gunther got fucking arrested while sneaking out with Mel. Thankfully his parents could not give less of a fuck even though both were awake when Dorian diligently returned him.

-This will teach you to walk around with that glorious mane, leaving no woman for us hair-challenged adults, brat! Stay within your age group!

Looking amazing painting in your hot dog uniform!

-Melody forced me to wear it so no one would hit on me..

Melody knows what’s up.

-God, being monogamous for two entire days sure is tough. My mind is racing with all the hot dog pick up lines I could use..

You’re really too young for me to castrate you, so better just try and channel those frustrations into your art.

-I don't need no drama, I just need some nana, just told my lil' mama, ‘babe, I think I love you, kinda’ ♪

WRONG ART FORM. GOD. Get it together Gunther, cause if you fuck things up with Mel it won’t end well. For you.

-So Gunther, the other day I was thinking of some professions that would be more realistic than your dream of becoming a legendary artist.. Kid’s party magician popped in mind.

-Ugh, don’t listen to him, Gunther, you can’t abandon your dream! I mean look at your father, he had a dream to see 6 pets top their career.. and 40 years later.. he’s still nowhere near achieving it! HAHA. What a fucking loser you are, dear. God, I can’t believe I married you, what the fuck was I thinking. All I got was stretchmarks and two decades of sleeping next to the overwhelming aroma of cat excrement. In conclusion, Gunther, you and your brothers were giant mistakes.. What were we talking about again?

Yea, seems about right. Komei is, once again, on the verge of aspiration failure, which you know, when is he not. He finally does roll one want I can complete tho..

Cooking competition! I cannot stress enough how much I ignore anything Free Time related, like I’ve been playing this game since I was 10 and I only discovered that special hobby lots exist last year. So yea, this is a first for both me and Komei, but we’re in this together! We submit our specialty, cat hair covered chili..

The competition is fierce. Thank god Komei’s loving family has come along to support him!

-Why are we here again?

-Some of your father’s cat beauty pageant shit or something, who cares.. STOP MOVING YOUR HANDS SO FAST

LOL look at these anxious flops. Our Komei is cool as a cucumber tho! Wtf is a professional chef doing here?? This feels very unfair, they should be in a league of their own. If we lose to her I’m gonna appeal and then burn this place to the ground.

And we’re up first! Is the judge gonna appreciate our secret ingredients of cat hair and saliva???

YAS. A very promising reaction!

LMAO professional chef flops! Bet she didn’t have a trace of pet dna in that cake!

I can’t quite decode this expression, but I think it signifies expectations not being met. FLOP

Yea mte, blondie. Who tf enters salad into a cooking competition? A non-starter if there ever was one!

WE WIN AND WE HAVE THE DICK STICKER TO PROVE IT. GET IT KOMES

I don't know what you heard about me, but a bitch can't get a dollar outta me ♪

No Cadillac, no perms, you can't see, that I'm a motherfuckin' P.I.M.P. ♪

Congrats, Komei! How lucky you are to have your family share in this moment of triumph! 

-You won’t believe this mom, but Neo got fired AGAIN

-LOLOL. Wait, why do I have a feeling we’re supposed to be doing something else right now?

-Is it playing more red hands?

-Yes!

We return home, where og weeaboo Tom Cruise/Last Samurai graces us with his presence! Looking good, Tom. Meanwhile Vic has an emotional moment in the rain contemplating the artistic merit of the flamingos. Idk why both she and Komei have become obsessed with them ever since they aged up but it’s pretty depressing. And then, as Komei is soundly asleep, the unthinkable happens...

SIMULTANEOUS FUCKING PROMOTIONS. I wish I had something more eloquent to say about this but the best I can muster is FUCKING. BYE. THE FUCK. I DID IT.

THE NIGHTMARE IS OVER. IT’LL BE A COLD DAY IN HELL IF WE TRAIN A CAT AGAIN IN THE NEXT 9 GENERATIONS. NEVER AGAIN.

AND WE’RE FINALLY OFF TO COLLEGE. GOD. Melody comes over on her own and we have this dramatic moment of Gunther ~passing her by, off to join his brothers at La Fiesta Tech. And to slut it up. Or is he??? I legit don’t know yet, but find out next time in The Unions: College is a Scam.

[yakumtsaki]

Komei finally has a high enough creativity skill to get started on the death portraits! Exciting stuff. Look how happy he is painting the portrait of his beloved wife, aww.

-Just the thought of Victoria dying and this hanging over her urn gave me a semi.

Still better than the wolf tbh.

Jojo’s lifetime want appears and all I can say is NOICE. I love this want because it’s so flexible and you can do all kinds of crap to achieve it. Thank god so far the kids aren’t taking after their dumbass parents (at least in that area. let’s not talk about literally everything else) both of whom have the worst lifetime wants ever created.

In case you forgot, since I mentioned it once and then never again, Vic’s ridiculous lifetime want is to own 5 top level businesses which.. fucking lmao. I am kinda tempted to try it once she retires though, because add her charming personality to my OFB ineptitude and you have what is sure to be the greatest tragedy of the computer age. 

Polar opposite convention in the front yard! The best and worst this household has to offer in one convenient location.

-I hope you’re ready, my child, for the greatest story ever written.. One filled with hardships, mortal danger, doomed loves, tragic loss and the eventual triumph of human spirit..

-Dad, please, I’m so sick of listening to your cat training diary every day.

-Well mom doesn’t let us touch her TV when she’s not home, so this is the best you’re gonna get.

-UGH I hate you both!! I wish Kennedy Cox would adopt me!!

Well that is starting to look like a real possibility since he calls for you 200 times a day after you threatened to throw a bag of cat shit at his face. Game recognizes game I guess. Let’s hope we don’t get any proposals for a black market adoption, because the way our money situation is going it would be hard to resist.

Victor grows up! My feelings towards him remain ambivalent at best, as in I hate him 99% of the time but sometimes his unrepentant assholery is kinda endearing. In fact, I just remembered that I tried to give him away at some point, probably after the one millionth time he attacked Alegra, but then this happened..

LOOK AT FUCKING KOMEI. Victoria has no relationship with any of the cats except Victor, since he was the only living soul available in the early days when she was living in an open field, but I wasn’t expecting SOBBING. JFC. Daniel is also in the background freaking the fuck out. Suffice it to say I quit without saving after those dramatic ass reactions and Victor stayed on as our resident cat dicktator.

-HAPPY BIRTHDAY BITCH

Guess who’s fighting again for the first time in months! Obviously desperate to prove to himself that he’s still got it, fucking Victor attacks Ronroneo in a predictable middle-age-crisis move. But the playing field is level now that they’re both elders, so this is anybody’s game! Place your bets while you still can!

Unbothered by this fuckery is Helen of Troy, Alegra, who’s really living the aging-movie-star lifestyle ever since she topped her career and got tfo. Every time I look she’s either sleeping or high on catnip. You do you baby, you’ve earned it  ❤

LMAOOOO. In a magnificent turn of cosmic justice, the geezer knifefight doesn’t end well for Victor, who suffers a humiliating and well-deserved defeat by Ronroneo’s claws of fury. Obviously Ronroneo’s birthday present to him was the reminder not to mess with the streets. And his own beaten ass.

-Where’s the Persian Empire now, pussyboi?

-Save me, Artaxerxes!

Someone (I don’t remember who, but lets be real, it was Komei) rolled a want for this stupid ballet bar and I obliged like a moron, forgetting that it’s a highly cursed object that causes sims (and especially kids for some reason) to devote their entire lives to it. Seasons literally change around Gunther as he remains there, practicing the two same sad moves..

And here we are. It’s winter now, Daniel has a keyboard (need I remind you he wants to become a rock god LMAO) and Jojo is finally getting confronted by Stephen Tinker aka the object of his spying obsession and probably his secret affection as well, since there is no other justification for the time he spends creepily looking at him through the telescope. 

-What the hell is wrong with you, kid, I thought you were trying to get abducted and impregnated by aliens like a normal sim but this is crossing the line!

-How dare you speak to me in that tone like we’re strangers, Stephen? 

-The fuck, we just met two seconds ago-

-Tell me, what must I do to make you love me? Kill your family? That’s already on the list but I can bump it up a few spots!

Dear god, ok. Time to enter the Tinkers into witness protection and for Jojo to meet someone a) not married b) age appropriate c) who is not gonna be missed by their family or cause the police to ask too many questions.

NO. JOJO NO. ISTG I’M GONNA DISOWN YOU. AS IF KOMEI HASN’T ALREADY FUCKED US FOR LIFE, ALL WE’RE MISSING IS THE OTTOMAS GENES IN THIS FAMILY. FML 

[yakumtsaki]

-Hmm listen to this, Daniel.. It says here that if the posting doesn’t catch up with the gameplay soon and the heir vote can’t be held in time then.. the child with the best hair automatically wins! Tough break, bro.

-OH MY GOD.

-I know, I know. Not that surprising though, it’s obvious I should be heir, I mean I already match the house furniture..

-No it’s not that, the Kardashian robbery episode is starting!! Also who are you kidding, Jojo, even by your made up hair rule you wouldn’t win.

-Ha, don’t make me laugh! Who else would win if not I?

Gee, I don’t know, Jojo, it’s not like we have someone else sporting an iconic hairstyle around here..

-Aw, I mean my hair is amazing but I don’t know if I’d go so far as to call it ‘iconic’.. Other people certainly have though..

Ugh Komei you’re still alive? How many times do I have to make you fix the tv with 0 mechanical points til you take the hint?

USELESS. One thing, one thing you do right and you can’t even do that anymore, JFC

-It’s not my fault, those photos of Victoria’s cheap torrid affairs are very unsettling!

Oh yea, as opposed to your meaningful Marisa Bendett kitchen fling. Just go train your damn cats.

-Actually, I have something more productive to do.

More productive than the noble art of cat training? How is that even possible!

NICE, FUCK U KENNEDY. Ok Komei you’ve earned another 5 days of life, good for you!

And Victoria has earned $20k, thus entering the platinum-aspiration/being ignored-by-me-for-the-foreseeable-future zone! Congrats Vic! Of course it’s nothing compared to the absolute thrill of Komei’s cat training but you get the job done.

These two have a true can’t-live-with-or-without-you thing going, as in they hate each other but whenever I look they’re always together and I extremely wish they weren’t.

-So, when I’m a millionaire heir and and you’re unemployed and prostituting yourself under a bridge I guess you can come stay in the litter boxes. You’re welcome!

-I don’t know, Jojo, will there be room for me in your house with ALL YOUR ALIEN SPAWN RUNNING AROUND?? You want to get impregnated so bad, maybe you should prostitute yourself until it happens!

-I ONLY USE THAT TELESCOPE TO SPY ON THE TINKERS AND YOU KNOW IT

Yea don’t swear on anything there, Jo, because we really need that scholarship money.

Oh good God, this unholy fucking alliance. Jojo was the only member of the family to escape the cat curse so far, but I guess the charms of Victor were too strong to resist. 

-That’s right, Victor, even in the EXTREMELY UNLIKELY CASE I’m not voted heir, I’m taking you with me wherever I go.. Oh the fun we’re going to have together! So many human beings to dissect and feast upon..

Well be sure to start with Daniel, Victor has been trying to eat him for years and you’d be taking him off my hands, so everybody wins! Except Daniel I guess, but the only thing he’s won in his life was the race to be the second coming of Komei, so..

I leave you with this disturbing photo of Jojo painting. Istg this kid can do nothing without looking simultaneously smug and nefarious. You’d think he’s painting the sistine chapel or smth but it’s actually the kindergarten lady in pink drawing.

Here’s a “better” view and my heart is breaking as I type this but.. HELLO KOMEI JAW. Man was I dead fucking wrong in my calculations regarding Jojo growing up hot.

Now that I think about it, all my calculations so far have been dead fucking wrong, starting with the unforgettable ‘Victoria and Komei will make a good couple!’ one. Yea, extreme buyer’s remorse. You win some, you lose some I guess, only I have won even less than Daniel </3

[yakumtsaki]

As loyal readers are well aware of, the Unions have found remarkable success in business, sports and personal relationships. There is but one black spot in the pages of this family’s glorious history, and that is first-born son Daniel and his multiple failings, both as a popularity sim and a human being. Well, no more, my friends. I’m taking it upon myself to drag Daniel out of the darkness of cat obsession, at the same time settling the nature vs nurture argument once and for all. 

The “nature” in this case of course refers to the catastrophic influence Komei’s genes have had on Daniel, as is evident in the visual aid provided above. Apart from the obvious problems in the want panel area, take a gander at the family relationships. The oversupply of lameness in Daniel’s life is staring as right in the face, as is the coolness deficit, represented by Alegra and Gunther’s nonexistent relationships with him. This is gonna be a tough one, but I have complete confidence in both Daniel and myself.

Not helping the situation is having to compete with overachieving circus freak Jojo. Through his extraordinary ability in choosing a profession where his boss gave birth to him, Jojo tops the criminal career in 3 days, thus providing his parents with a much needed (for Komei that is) aspiration boost:

-Wow, thank god Jojo inherited nothing from you except the jaw! 

-You can say that again! Let’s have sex for the first time in 200 years to celebrate ❤

-Lol, getting aspiration points through the accomplishments of others always puts you in the mood!

Yea I really don’t need to see that, nor do I need any more surprise babies 4 days from elderhood. We may have hit the jackpot with Gunther but contrary to common belief, lighting doesn’t strike twice. Action immediately cancelled.

Now, back to Daniel’s redemption arc, we invite annoying bitch Heidi over since he wants to befriend her. Heidi don’t you dare say no again, istg I’m gonna murder you so many times-

Good girl!

Heidi once again elects to sit next to the trash can, draw your own conclusions.

-Is it true your brother topped the criminal career in 3 days?? Aaah, bad boys are so hot!

KEEP CALM DANIEL WE CAN DO THIS 

-Uhhh yea, he did. I don’t know about hot though, that jaw ain’t getting any smaller..

AND DANIEL MAKES HIS FIRST FRIEND, 3 DAYS AWAY FROM YOUNG ADULTHOOD! SO PROUD. Ok Heidi you can gtfo now, we have bigger and hotter fish to fry. Time to invite Lakshmi over!

As we await Lakshmi’s arrival, who graces our lot but the iconic Marsha Bruenig, aka stalker child that calls you a million times a day once you meet her. Good to see you, Marsha, sporting a.. Canadian pride t-shirt of all things! What would prompt me to download this is completely beyond me. ANYWAY

Lakshmi’s here! We start with our signature move, aka shittalking Jojo.

-SO, Jojo only topped his career so fast because mom cleared the path for his promotions!

-You mean she fired everyone else up to get promoted??

-Yea..fired..

Let’s switch to topics with no legal ramifications please, Daniel.

Or you can just grab her ass with no prior flirting. Bold move.

-That’s how we do it in the USSR!

Starting to think that maybe capitalism has some good points. Whatever, LET’S LAND THIS PLANE DANIEL, GO FOR IT

YAAAASSSS. CUTE. Moving past the unfortunate hand placement because finally, we have #JUSTICE4DANIEL.

...Or not. 

-Hey son, we’re here to crash your litter box date by disgustingly making out next to you!

-Who is this again?

-Daniel, our first-born.

-Oh, right, the loser one. I thought he was dating Victor.

OMFG. Ok, I give up. Sorry Dan, some things are just written in the stars, and your stars have been swallowed by a black hole.