#komahina secret exhange

[komahinasecretexchange]

Title: Self-Recording

Author: @magioftheseas

For: @izuvi

Rating/Warnings: T+; it gets really suggestive but I don’t think the sexual content is graphic enough to get an M rating. Sex is mentioned though. There’s some mental instability (hallucinations and dissociation), emotional baggage, and mentions of trauma. So the typical stuff in my case lol.

Prompt: hinata/servant exploration on this dynamic as they meet in an AU

Author’s notes: The fic’s a lot softer than I thought it’d be. And a lot longer, but that’s unsurprising. Unfortunately I only managed to finish this one fic, but all the same, I hope you like it!!

It was bright. Too bright.

“…gi…”

It almost hurt. His ears felt like they were ringing, and his eyes screwed even tighter shut before, slowly but surely, they opened as he picked up on someone calling his name.

“…to… Nagito…!”

Immediately, his eyes went wide. It took a minute for his vision to focus and, slowly but surely, he took in the visage of a young man looming over him, gazing upon him with concerned, mismatched eyes.

“…do I…”

“Nagito…?”

“…know you?”

Hazel and red both went wide for a moment, as his own brow furrowed in confusion.

“That name…where did you hear it? You’re…vaguely familiar but surely I would have recognized you if you were part of…” A pause. A blink. “Wait… Kamukura-kun?”

Kamukura flinched.

“You’re Kamukura-kun, right?” he asked, pushing himself up, only for him to groan as his head spun from the sudden action. Despite himself, almost as if on instinct, Kamukura steadied him with a low murmur to just take it easy. “Urgh… Kamukura-kun… Why…?”

Why are you here? Why am I? What happened? Why does everything…hurt?

Ah. He was covered in bandages. He must’ve gotten caught up in something. That would explain some things. Only some.

“Nagito…” Kamukura started, carefully and almost hesitantly. Kamukura hesitant? “What is the last thing you recall?”

Ah. Suddenly the hesitance was gone in favor of clipped, clinical detachment. That was more like it. Perhaps he had been imagining everything from before. It would not be the first time he hallucinated terribly.

“Um… Dunno…” He almost laughed, especially with this strange troubling undercurrent of dread. “I, but, right… I was babysitting. I’ve become their servant, Kamukura-kun, isn’t that funny? Unsurprisingly, they’re quite unruly and troubling. I barely escaped death, yet again, by the skin of my nose!”

“Servant,” Kamukura repeated flatly. He nodded.

“Mm, so, you can just call me that now. I ah, might as well get more into the role.”

“…No.”

The answer was immediate. Servant frowned, and then turned to him, and, to his surprise, Kamukura looked fatigued and haggard as he shook his head.

“No…” He groaned. “You’re Nagito, not some servant.”

What…exactly…is this?

“Nagito,” he went on in exasperation. This wasn’t Kamukura. This couldn’t be Kamukura.

And yet.

“…We’ve uh, got a lot to talk about. This is…definitely going to be overwhelming.”

“Kamukura-kun…?”

“Let’s uh, start with that,” Kamukura muttered, tiredly rolling his eyes. “I’m… Well, I’m…”

“Who are you?” Servant asked, blank and flat in tone. “You’re not Kamukura-kun.”

“…Well.” Kamukura shrugged almost helplessly. “Uh. Yes and no…?”

Servant’s eyes narrowed dangerously.

“Look, it’s a long story,” Not-Kamukura said, almost pitifully. “It’ll take a while.”

“I’m a patient person,” Servant answered coldly. “And I have quite a bit of time. So why don’t we start…?”

It occurred to him, then, that he had been opening and closing a hand that shouldn’t be there. He looked down, and sure enough, where her hand used to be has been replaced with a black and white mechanical prosthetic. He blinked once. He opened it. He closed it.

“…Huh.”

“Like I said,” Not-Kamukura laughed mirthlessly. “There’s a lot to go through.”

And all the same, Servant gestured for him to go on.

“Well, then you better get started.”

–

While washing his wounds and reapplying bandages, Not-Kamukura spoke of all sorts of things. A magical rabbit, a series of murders and class trials like there had been with the 78th class, the survivors of the 78th class’s involvement, her return and second downfall…

“This all sounds very…fake, Not-Kamukura-kun.”

“Well the whole thing was a simulation, so…”

“You know what I mean, Not-Kamukura-kun.”

Not-Kamukura rolled his eyes, pinning the last of the bandages on his leg in place.

“I do know. Nagito. Will you stop calling me that? I told you, I am Kamukura Izuru, I just—happen to be someone else, too.”

“Who else?” he asked brightly. “I’m sorry, I forgot.”

Not-Kamukura growled at him.

“Hinata. Hajime. Hinata Hajime.”

Why are you putting emphasis on the given name…?

“Hinata-kun. My apologies. That name’s so unremarkable that it’s difficult to remember.”

Hinata looked utterly unimpressed, but moved to bandage his other leg. In a great show of mercy, he was just as gentle as before. Servant’s smile faded into an unreadable not-quite-frown.

“Hinata-kun…was the name of the reserve course student who volunteered in the Kamukura Project. I suppose the simulation dragged you out? I would’ve thought the talentless nobody reserve would’ve been disposed of during the procedure.” Hinata flinched. He went on. “Are you really Hinata Hajime, though? Or are you no one in particular? The Kamukura Project removed Hinata Hajime. This Neo World Program removed Kamukura Izuru. That leaves you, doesn’t it? So who, exactly, are you?”

“Hinata Hajime…and Kamukura Izuru.” His tone was blank, and both hazel and crimson eyes seemed frightfully vacant. “I am both, but I am also neither.”

Servant hummed thoughtfully.

“Goodness. What a dreadfully confusing existence that must be.”

“Yeah, well.” He laughed humorlessly. “You have no idea.”

Servant smiled as before, but this time, his gaze was not being met as the other re-focused on replacing his bandages. Ah, that’s right, the bandages.

“The injuries I sustained seem to be rather serious,” he said cheerfully. “Well, they must be quite serious…considering how far back they knocked my memory, haha. Do you think the damage is permanent? Am I going to be like this forever? How despairing! But maybe it’ll be a good thing, lead to a far greater, brighter hope—!”

“Aside from the loss of memory, nothing seems amiss with your head,” the other stated coldly and matter-of-factly. Just like Kamukura. Servant shut his mouth and listened attentively as he went on. “From what I can tell, it should be temporary. So don’t worry, Nagito, you will be back to normal soon.”

Normal? For someone like me? Impossible.

“Haha. Hahaha. Not-Kamukura-kun, that’s such a funny joke.”

“Urgh.” He groaned. “Again with that? Just… Just call me Hinata. What does it matter anyway?”

“Not-Hinata-kun?” Servant suggested, to which the other immediately scowled at him. Servant’s smile was wide and vapid as he corrected himself. “Hinata-kun. Fine. As you said, it really doesn’t matter.”

Hinata Hajime is a nobody anyway. A foolish nobody who threw himself away to become the supposed SHSL Hope. Hope. Ridiculous. As if that project would result in anything but abject failure.

“A question, Hinata-kun,” he said, offering his non-mechanical arm to be bandaged up as well. “What is our relationship?”

Hinata stiffened at that, face going red as Servant’s smile widened.

“Was I your lover, perhaps, Hinata-kun?”

That blush darkened, and yet Hinata bristled. “S-So what if you were?”

“Ooh, how interesting!” he exclaimed in genuine awe. “A real surprise! What a shocking twist! I never would have guessed!”

“You’re…playing this up way too much…” Hinata muttered, still flustered and very much unamused. “It’s not…that surprising…considering I use your given name…”

“Ohhh, that’s true.”

Hinata rolled his eyes again.

“How serious are you even being right now, Nagito?” he asked, wrapping up his arm.

“At least semi!” Servant chirped and then, brighter, he added, “It hurts all over, Hinata-kun!”

Hinata immediately pulled back with a flinch and a hiss. Servant could only laugh, even as the sound was wheezy and strained. Hinata glared, but he still trembled a little before bowing his head, letting it hang rather…miserably.

“I’m sorry, Nagito.”

Servant’s smile dropped. He blinked a few times.

“…I forgive you, I think, Hinata-kun.”

Ah, what…?

–

Hinata had explained what had gotten him into this banged up state too, of course. It had indeed sounded quite gruesome, and walking could evoke some screeching agony, but…really, it was still miraculous he was in one piece for the most part. That was likely Hinata’s doing, really. Hinata surely carried him all the way here and treated him.

Of course he did. He was Hinata’s lover after all.

More or less.

(Kamukura had carried him to safety before, too. But only because he had asked really, really nicely.)

He and Hinata were lovers.

He wondered if that meant they slept together. Surely they had. Surely.

(Well, he had slept with Kamukura before, of course. But only as a show of gratitude. Deeply appreciative gratitude.)

“…sorry…” Hinata was saying quietly, dropping several old magazines on his lap. Some of them had quite the distinct stench. “I know it gets boring having to lay around as you recover, but…this was the best I could do to find entertainment.”

“…Thank you,” Servant replied with a polite nod. Some of the magazines had been so damaged that they’d be worthless as reading material, but he supposed that was what pictures were for. “Well, it’s not like you can turn on the television or anything. Since, I assume, all channels are down.”

“That and the electricity required isn’t worth rigging up,” Hinata huffed. “Besides, Nagito, you’re not much of a television watcher.”

“Mm, that’s true…” Humming, he gestured with his whirling metallic hand. “Hinata-kun, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata leaned in, confused, and subsequently reddened when Servant kissed his cheek.

“Thank you!” he exclaimed much more brightly.

Hinata pulled back, looking almost taken aback—why? They were lovers, after all—before giving a small, strained smile in response.

“You’re welcome, Nagito.”

–

There are still a lot of questions to ask. So many that he doesn’t really feel like asking them at all. So he doesn’t.

But there are times he stirs as he sleeps, feeling the warm grip of Hinata’s hand around his own and those questions bubble to his lips anyway. Still, he doesn’t ask. He just sighs, squeezes Hinata’s hand in return, and tries to get back to sleep.

He tries. Sometimes. He just can’t sleep at all, but Hinata holds his hand all the same.

Hinata…truth be told, Servant’s not sure when Hinata sleeps, given how in and out he is in Ser—Nagito’s temporary room. Hinata had already pulled up a chair by his bedside, but sometimes, Hinata kneels by the bedside instead, burying his face in folded arms. Tonight, it’s the latter.

Neither the chair nor this position look remotely comfortable.

The state of Hinata’s back is looking considerably, despairingly worrying.

He slips his hand out of Hinata’s grip, and unsurprisingly, said grip loosens enough so that he can do so. Considerate even in troubled sleep, this Hinata.

Servant huffed softly, gaze flickering to the dark, starless sky beyond the window before staring back down at the top of Hinata’s spiky, unresponsive head.

There’s a swell in his chest. Whether it’s affection or aggravation is…frankly, irrelevant and unimportant compared to the matter at hand.

With gritted teeth, he scoots back and reached out to pull Hinata into the bed. It’s difficult, it’s trying, it’s painful, and Hinata’s leg probably knocks against something, but Hinata, deep sleeper he is, didn’t stir. Really, if he wasn’t familiar with this by now, he would’ve thought Hinata comatose.

Rearranging Hinata into a more comfortable sleeping position is an unsurprising pain, but all the same, he manages. All the same, he snuggles up against the warmth the other provided.

Really, this was the most comfortable he’s been in a while. Only comparable, unsurprisingly, when he had been allowed to snuggle up against Kamukura. Hinata was just as warm. He was warm. So warm.

Servant let out a pleased sigh.

Warm…

Hinata was gone again by the time he woke up, but…sometimes, when he’d wake up in the middle of the night, Hinata would once again be curled around him, now holding him close.

It really was…nice.

Very nice.

He can imagine her sneering at this perfectly.

–

“There’s nothing wrong with that, right? After all, we’re lovers!”

Hinata-kun’s so warm, but I can’t get a reading on him at all sometimes. Abnormally normal, as expected of the average anomaly.

“Oh, of course, I know I’m not really his lover just as he’s not really mine. I’m just a servant, after all.”

Hey, did I kill her? Did I did I did I did I did I?

“But if Hinata-kun doesn’t mind, then I really don’t see a problem. The warmth of someone else, the tenderness that can be shown and shared… Even if they’re ultimately useless in the grand scheme of things, they’re still quite nice to feel, so… So…”

So… So don’t…!

“So don’t! Make that face! You should understand me best of all!”

Because…

“A-After all…!”

B-Because…!

Komaeda Nagito still wore such a scowl.

–

“…Nagito, do you…?”

“No,” he answered quickly and almost flippantly. He still flinched after stumbling, but Hinata held him steady. “Sorry, Hinata-kun.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Hinata muttered in a not-fine tone, but tightened his grip on Servant’s wrist, with Servant’s arm wrapped around his shoulders to use him as a makeshift clutch. “Hopefully, once we get back to the island…we can use the medical equipment there…and Tsumiki will be there to help…”

Tsumiki-san…?

He must have made a face, because Hinata hurriedly explained.

“O-Or not! Right, you, uh, probably have some really bad memories of Tsumiki, right?”

Really bad was a bit of an understatement.

“I swear, no one’s going to hurt you, least of all her… She’s…gotten better. Everyone’s been doing a lot better.” Hinata swallowed. “They’ll be nice… I’ll make sure of it…”

“Oh, a declaration of protection,” Servant said, almost thoughtfully. “That’s essentially a love confession. You really are so gallant, Hinata-kun.”

And, of course, Hinata blushed.

“I-I already told you…” he grumbled. And then, he perked up. “Hey, Nagito… Are you sure you’re alright?”

Servant blinks once, twice. His legs still hurt.

“I feel sore.”

“Mentally, emotionally,” Hinata spoke almost blankly. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

…Ah. Right.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” is the response he almost gives, vapid laugh and all, but he knows that Hinata would have an answer to why he wouldn’t be.

And, truth be told, it was odd, all things considered. For days and weeks, he’s just been drifting through in a state that was neither hope nor despair. Even when Hinata had been recounting everything that had happened, even when Hinata had described meeting her in the simulation, he felt…detachment. Distance. Almost as if someone had just read him a dryly written story.

Unsurprisingly, even his most recent memories felt far away.

“By all accounts,” Hinata went on, and those mismatched eyes are boring into him, red more than hazel. A shiver went up his spine. “You should be in despair, Nagito. But the way you’re acting is…stable.”

That’s the word you’re going to use?

“You say that like a breakdown is imminent,” Servant said, brightly smiling up at him. “Is that why you’ve been keeping so close?”

“I’m not just your doctor and you know it,” Hinata replied, wavering. Just like that, the flare of excitement fizzled. “We’re…close.”

“Because we’re lovers,” Servant said, nodding. Hinata hesitated, but nods in return.

“…you’re alright with that, right?”

It’s funny how uncertain Hinata seemed to be. As if they haven’t spent several nights cuddling. Still, Servant just nodded again, and said nothing about how more than a few times he considered shoving Hinata off the roof.

Not to kill or hurt him, of course. But just to see how he’d react, if he’d snap. Really, it’d almost be like doing him a favor.

Something like that.

–

The world outside is considerably different from Towa City. The sky is brighter, bluer, and even the screeching from this Monokuma bot was much more pleasant to listen to compared to before. Of course, this Monokuma bot, with how easy it is to kick down with his foot, really isn’t much of a threat with how Hinata reprogrammed it.

“Nagito!” Hinata called to him, hands deep in the wires of another Monokuma. “Quit bullying it!”

Servant kicked it down again, just to hear that exclamation of, “Nyahaw!”

It squirmed a bit, small stubby legs flailing before it managed to push itself back up. Almost immediately, Servant kicked it down again.

“Nyoho!”

“Nagito!”

“It’s therapeutic, Hinata-kun!” he called back brightly. The Monokuma pushed itself back up, tottering away almost hurriedly. Servant caught up with it in a few quick strides. “You have to admit…”

His foot slams into its back, knocking it back down. “Upow!”

“It’s nice,” he said, brushing his hair back. “Being able to terrorize these despicable creatures.”

“It is,” Hinata did agree even as he rolled his eyes and sounded awfully unimpressed about it. “But, look, Nagito, if you damage it, who’s going to have to fix that? Me.”

“Shouldn’t the former SHSL Mechanic be handling something like this?” Servant asked, whirling around on his heel. Even from this distance, he could tell that Hinata stiffened.

“Souda…no…” He teared out some wiring with seemingly more force than necessary. The words are stilted and uncomfortable. “Unfortunately, no. Souda can’t…stand these things.”

It was in the delivery that makes the bothersome words much heavier and troubling. Servant blinked once, tilted his head, and kept his tone chipper and upbeat.

“Really?” There was a disbelieving and almost gleeful edge. Hinata flinched. “Even though this kind of thing is his talent?”

“It can’t be helped,” Hinata quietly snapped at him. Quietly. “So, I…”

“It just seems a bit audacious,” he said lightly. “If not annoying.”

Hinata sighed loudly. Servant hears the Monokuma scuttling off. He could still catch it if he gave chase, but now he was far too bored with the idea, and so his focused gaze on the other—his lover—is retained.

“It can’t be helped,” Hinata repeated irritably and a little louder than before. “And it’s not like I mind.”

“Hinata-kun’s so generous!” Servant exclaimed, gushing and fawning. “Of course I really should have known! You tolerate someone like me after all! Such patience! I’m smitten! I love you, Hinata-kun!”

Hinata swallowed, and then began to fiddle more with the wires as Servant skipped up to him. Despite everything, Hinata relaxed as Servant wrapped his arms around him. Hinata sighed as before, but much softer now.

“Love you too, Nagito.”

Ah, huh?

Servant blinked once, smile now blank. And after a while, he simply giggled.

Ah, seriously, what is this?

–

Kamukura wasn’t like the others. He wasn’t like them; there wasn’t anyone quite like him. Something normal twisted and distorted into abnormality, the supposedly clear line between natural and artificial has been blurred, and where could he be except caught between attraction and repulsion, between love and hatred for such an indescribable being?

Either way his feelings were tragically unrequited, weren’t they? Wasn’t that awful? Wasn’t that despairing?

Kamukura didn’t care for him at all. Which was expectable and sensible, of course, for someone so downright worthless.

Worthless, worthless, I’m so very, very worthless!

“Careful, Nagito,” Hinata said gently. He carefully helped him step over rubble, squeezing his hand and extending out his arm for when he stumbles and has to latch onto something lest he fall.

Hinata is warm, Hinata sighs, and whenever he hears something rustle, that’s his immediate cue to step in front of Servant as though to act as a shield.

Worthless, worthless…

“If something bad happens to me, good luck will make up for it,” he reminded Hinata cheerfully. Hinata gives him an unimpressed look.

“Money’s not going to help in this dead economy,” he replied. Servant laughed.

“Of course not, but good luck can come in other forms.” It was obvious to point out. He was almost annoyed, but the way Hinata rolls his eyes, the way Hinata squeezes his hand—it’s not so bad. Not at all.

“Regardless,” Hinata said without missing a beat, “I have no intention of letting anything happen to you, Nagito.”

“Ehehe, so gallant…”

You really are so protective, aren’t you?

Keep that up and I might actually feel precious.

–

“Please…”

More.

A lover’s touch really is such a gentle, intimate thing. It’s something to be cherished and revered, the way a lover’s body should be. That was the case here, too, of course, as Kamukura kissed him softly. His hands were a gentle cage, cupping his cheeks, stroking the curves and along his jawline. Kamukura’s body very gently crushes his own as they’re pressed up together like this.

He was holding Kamukura close, of course. He was kissing Kamukura back, of course. Desperately, damply, with little slick, wet smacking sounds between their lips and tongues. He sighed as Kamukura kissed down his neck, raising his arms obediently as Kamukura pulled off his shirt.

I want more.

In the darkness, beauty cannot be seen and would cease to exist if not for the presence of touch, of contact, of this.

“…Kamukura-kun… I… Please…” There was an uncertain whine to the words. Kamukura bit his neck, immediately making him flinch and cry out.

Pushing boundaries—more and more until the line is crossed—that’s the kind of despicable creature I am.

If he looked over, in the darkness, he would see the glow of Komaeda Nagito, staring down at him unreadably. He stiffened, just a little, as Komaeda Nagito tilted his head, and Kamukura held him steady. All the same, Kamukura guided his hips, and all the same, Komaeda Nagito looked at him.

Kamukura didn’t even get the chance to fuck him before Servant wakes with a jolt in a trembling cold sweat. And that’s all it was.

That’s all this was.

I…really am so… He trembled, taking up handfuls of long, stringy strands. Disgusting.

Hinata slept so innocently beside him that it’s so much worse.

–

“Well, of course I am precious to Hinata-kun. As his lover. As Komaeda Nagito.”

That’s only to be expected, but…

“…of course I know that at the same time, I’m not really precious to Hinata-kun because that person isn’t me.”

No, no, no.

“I really am worthless, aren’t I? So pathetic! What kind of wretched creature takes advantage of a lover’s protectiveness?”

It’s the worst, worst, worst! I’m really so worthless, worthless, worthless!

“Hahaha! Haha! Stop looking at me like that!”

I know, I know, I know!

“Please just stop!”

–

“We’re about finished, here,” Hinata was saying, wiping off his hands. Servant nodded, and tripped the Monokuma tottering past. Hinata gave him a look of sharp disapproval but rolled his eyes and went on. “Tomorrow, we’re heading back to Jabberwock, Nagito.”

Jabberwock. He nodded again. The Monokuma pushes itself up and quickly scampers away.

“Do the others know?” Servant asked cheerfully.

Hinata stiffened for a moment. But he nodded.

“Of course they do,” he said. “They’re your friends, so they care about whether or not you’re doing alright.”

Friends. Huh.

“They didn’t care at all in the past,” Servant said. “They couldn’t be bothered to care at all. They weren’t my friends. They didn’t even consider me their peer, or a person really. Did you know that I’m not present in most of the class photos? Of course, that’s to be expected, why would I be allowed that kind of privilege but, still—pretty despairing, don’t you think?”

Hinata looked stricken, and then, Hinata shook his head.

“That’s not the case anymore,” he replied with a placating smile. “Koizumi’s taken tons of pictures that you’re in. Kuzuryuu and Souda both asked about you. Nidai asked about your bowels…? Owari asked if you were eating well. They care about you, it’s not like back…then…”

“Oh, lucky me,” Servant laughed vapidly. “That kind of change sounds really unbelievable, almost miraculous, but I guess you really can do anything, Hinata-kun.”

“…What…?” Hinata blinked twice, but… Servant saw that he understood what he meant, and he shook his head quickly soon after. “I… No. No, I have nothing to do with…”

“You don’t? I mean, you’d definitely have a problem with it. The one you love, being treated as less than nothing by all your friends. You must’ve gotten onto their cases more than a few times.” His smile was blank. “Because, look, Hinata-kun, from what I can tell, that time in the simulation didn’t do my relationships with any of them any favors. Honestly, I’m surprised you can even stand me with the things I’ve apparently done, much less love me in spite of it.”

“That wasn’t your fault,” Hinata was saying the words like someone else put them in his mouth. “That was because of her…”

“Hinata-kun,” he said. “Even if you believed that, it’d be difficult to treat someone like me normally.”

Hinata flinched.

Ah.

“From what you told me,” he went on sweetly. “They seem to rely on you quite a bit. You must be quite the popular fellow. It’s no surprise, but…all the same, they must feel really indebted to you, too.”

Hinata’s mismatched eyes narrowed. Both hazel and crimson were so vibrant it sent shivers down his spine and he just couldn’t stop talking.

“You not only saved their lives, but you take on so many of their duties. So, really, compared to everything you did, what’s everything I’ve done? Being nice to the basket case must be really easy now, don’t you think?”

“…Don’t say that,” Hinata said, sharply, voice full of warning. “It’s not…”

“After all, regardless of how terrible someone was, if you were just as terrible if not more so, how hard can it be to treat them normally? Especially when you owe so much to the person who loves them?”

“No, you’re wrong…”

“Am I?” Servant asked just as sharply. “So, none of what I said is true?”

“They care about you,” Hinata repeated, firm and stern. “It’s not like back then.”

“Because they like me?” Servant asked, huffing out a laugh. “As a person?”

“Yes.” Hinata nodded, and he smiled right back, sardonically and irritably. “Nagito, do you seriously think we haven’t had this conversation before?”

Servant stared at him, long and hard, and then he shook his head, sighing.

“…So, what conclusion did we come to, in that case?”

“You already know the answer to that,” Hinata said, softer now. “And if you don’t, well… You can figure it out, Nagito. You’re…really smart.”

You say that at a moment when I feel like an idiot. But…

The way Hinata was looking at him—so gently and mournfully and yet…achingly resigned. As though this whole matter really did hold a painful familiarity to him.

“…I suppose.”

Hinata’s eyes soften even more, and he patted his hair affectionately. Servant’s head ducked under his hand, but said nothing more on the matter. Hinata must be thankful for that.

“Come on,” he said warmly, an arm wrapping around his shoulders to keep him both warm and steady. The sky was darkening from a beautiful violet. Soon, the sun would set and it’d be yet another opportunity to see the stars he had missed for so long. “Let’s head back and crash for the day.”

“…Okay.” He leaned in, and let Hinata lead him towards their temporary residing. He can’t help but think that he might miss that place, were he capable of feeling anything at the moment.

How stupid.

–

They were walking together to that shelter house for the last time. So, of course, he couldn’t help but bring it up.

“…I’m not him. You know that, don’t you, Hinata-kun? I’m not…your Nagito. I’m nobody. I’m a servant.”

“You’re Nagito.”

“Urgh.” He rolled his eyes. “You’re not listening.”

“Neither are you,” Hinata shot back immediately. “Look, it’s simple. Regardless of what you think, of what you actually remember, you’re still a guy named Komaeda Nagito. You’re still Nagito. And that’s enough for me.”

“…why?” All this time and it was only now that he couldn’t help but ask. “Why? Because Komaeda Nagito is your lover? What has he done to earn such devotion?” A pause, a twist in his smile. “Was the sex that good, Hinata-kun?”

Hinata flattered, taken aback, and then, with a scowl, his glare narrowed severely.

“We’re friends,” he said. “And I love him.”

“It must really be lonely then, being stuck with me,” Servant replied, blinking bright doe eyes back at him. “Say, how about tonight, I make it worth your while? I’ll show you my gratitude. Because, for Hinata-kun’s love and kindness, I really am, so, so grateful.”

Hinata froze for a moment. He went very, very still.

The shelter house is visible, now. It really did look like such a cold, empty place from a distance.

“…don’t joke around like that,” Hinata finally said after a while. “That’s…not… That’s not funny, Nagito.”

“Oh, Hinata-kun,” he sighed and shook his head in mock disappointment. “I was being quite serious, you know.”

“That’s not funny.”

Servant blinked once. Twice.

“I really could make it worth your while,” he repeated sweetly. “I’ve been around enough times to know what it’s like. Of course, compared to your actual lover, since I don’t know your preferences…”

…and since Kamukura-kun didn’t have any…

“…I might end up fairly lacking, but, still, I could…”

“Nagito,” Hinata said, short and curt. “Stop. Stop…talking like this.”

“Like what?” he asked, genuinely curious.

“Like…like…” Hinata hesitated. “Like there’s nothing between us.”

“There is nothing between us,” Servant answered matter-of-factly. “After all, I don’t remember this relationship at all. So to me, it might as well not even exist.”

“Please don’t say that.” Hinata looked desperate. “You know that’s not true.”

“Do I, really?” I don’t think so. “I think you’re mistaken, Hinata-kun. That, or it’s just wishful thinking.”

“Nagito…” Hinata was pleading with him.

Servant was tired of this.

“…Let’s not talk like this anymore, like there’s something between us,” he said, turning around. “After all, I don’t remember you at all. You’re just a stranger, Hinata-kun. An acquaintance, at best.”

“I’m your lover, Nagito!”

Servant pauses for but a moment.

“…Hinata-kun…” He glanced back. “I’m just going on ahead. Calm down.”

And with that, he moved on. Hinata followed him, of course, but…even though Hinata could easily catch up and match his pace, he instead maintained that distance. Even when Servant reached the door and headed directly to his room.

Hinata didn’t follow him, after that. For the first time in weeks, Servant was back to staying in a room by himself.

It wasn’t that hard to go back to sleep, and he didn’t really dream anything, either.

It just was.

Hope, despair… I don’t really feel anything right now.

–

He didn’t know any of the people who greet them on the boat. They were all dressed in the same dark suits, all wearing the same impassive faces with sharp gazes. Hinata talked with them politely, respectably, and in that moment, he definitely saw what could be a more dutiful Kamukura Izuru.

So he might as well not be Kamukura Izuru at all. He’s definitely Not-Kamukura-kun.

Servant couldn’t help but feel a little uncomfortable. He was deferential and quiet as he should be, and was more than used to the masses looking down on him, but…the air here was different. It wasn’t like dealing with other SHSL Despair members. Of course not. Of course…not.

All the sharp gazes really were quite piercing though. Like he was being cut right through flesh and bone and his very being. It was uncomfortable. Right down to the point he finds himself drifting closer to Hinata as he talked. Hinata was talking to them like he wasn’t even there, about the rebuilding of the world, the state of affairs, surveys and predictions—

Servant keeps his head down, but he perks because despite all this, Hinata’s open hand was extended slightly towards him. He looked back up, but Hinata is still in deep conversation about all these things Servant didn’t fully understand nor truly care about.

He hesitates, but all the same, he slipped his hand into Hinata’s. Hinata squeezes, stroked his hand with his thumb, and continued on talking like nothing happened.

He felt the prickling sensation of several sharp gazes, but…Hinata’s hand is warm, a little too tight, and really, wasn’t that a little problematic?

Still, admirably, Hinata finished these conversations. And yet, Hinata did not let go of his hand.

“S-Sorry,” Hinata told him lowly, smiling a little towards him. “That was, uh, pretty nerve-wracking, wasn’t it? You must have been…really uncomfortable…”

Hinata’s grip was still a little too tight, especially with the added squeeze. It was a bit clammy, too.

“It’s fine, Hinata-kun,” he said. “Really, it’s fine.”

Hinata exhaled a sigh of relief, squeezing his hand a little more.

“T-That’s great! I’m glad you’re alright, Nagito!”

Another squeeze.

“Why do you keep squeezing my hand?” Servant finally asked, irritated. “Didn’t I tell you that without my memories, there’s nothing between us? You’re being a creepy nuisance, Hinata-kun.”

“A-Ah!” Hinata’s hand snapped back. “S…Sorry…!”

Servant huffed as the other rubbed nervously at the nape of his neck. Without another word, Servant brushed past him.

“I’m definitely not the one you should be worrying about, Hinata-kun,” he remarked. Hinata flinched, but he nodded. Nothing more was said as Servant shut the door to his cabin behind him.

–

…Is that why Hinata-kun loves him?

His hand still tingled from Hinata’s warmth. He stared at it, adjusting his other hand, the mechanical one, just to hear it whirl.

I shouldn’t be thinking of this. What does it matter?

He thought that, but then he couldn’t help but wonder, what did matter?

I don’t know. I feel so…disconnected. That’s…it. That’s all. Not hope, not despair. Disconnected.

That should’ve been despairing in of itself. But despair felt like such a distant thing that he really couldn’t be bothered to dwell on it.

The trip back to Jabberwock was going to be a long one. And it was going to be all the more stifling and dull if he spent it avoiding Hinata like he planned.

Well.

It’s not like there’s anything to say to him, or to anyone, really. Maybe he’ll be so numbed by boredom that memories will come bursting through and he’ll be so overcome with emotion that he’ll rush to Hinata and passionately embrace him.

If only I could be so lucky. Haha.

“Hah…” He sighed, exhaled, and leaned back. “If only.”

–

Jabberwock’s sky was clear, sunlight blinding. If nothing else, his mechanical hand made good shade. It was funny. The trip had been smoother than he expected, and yet he still felt so woozy.

He didn’t need Hinata to help steady him. Despite that, rather annoyingly, Hinata kept glancing back like he wanted to. Admirably, Hinata maintained a respectful distance.

The others on that boat stay behind, but it was fine because so much of the former Class 77-B of HPA is there, waving and welcoming.

“Yo, yo! Hinata! Komaeda!”

“Yahoo! Hajime-chan!! Nagito-chan!!”

“Hinata-san, Komaeda-san…!”

Hinata waved back with a bright laugh that he hadn’t heard before, and yet his chest ached for it. It was annoying. And the bright, aching smiles on the others’ faces were also so, so irritating.

Mioda latched onto Hinata first, with Owari smacking his back. Kuzuryuu had a small, but undeniably fond smile, and Souda ruffled Hinata’s hair.

Sonia greets him first.

“Komaeda-san,” she said kindly and pleasantly. “You seem to be doing quite…well.”

And then, her eyes scanned him sharply. And he knew what she was looking for. Her smile was already strained, but she didn’t falter at all. If anything, she looked relieved.

“…I’m glad,” she finished. All Servant does is nod.

And then the others turned to stare. Servant looked down, not avoiding any gaze in particular except for Hinata’s.

Kuzuryuu approached him, then, leaning in. Servant did perk up at that.

“So you really don’t remember, huh?” His gaze wasn’t as fierce as before, brow furrowed like he was trying to figure something out. All the same, Servant once again averted his eyes. Kuzuryuu clicked his tongue. “Yep. Don’t remember at all.”

“…I apologize,” wa what he decided to meekly reply with.

“Oh, no,” Sonia said, laughing easily. “Komaeda-san, you do not need to apologize. It was a tragic, unfortunate accident, so…”

“We ain’t gonna hurt ya,” Owari cut in curtly. She was the one who seemed the most indifferent about the matter. “I know all you got is memories of that happening, but it ain’t gonna happen anymore, got it? I mean, unless you do something real stupid, of course.”

She cracked her knuckles. He wasn’t surprised at all.

He wasn’t surprised by Hinata stepping in between them either.

“Guys,” he said, stern and firm. “It’s fine. He doesn’t remember, but he’s hasn’t reverted or anything like that either.”

“He looks stable,” Koizumi spoke up next. “And if he isn’t, then crowding him definitely isn’t going to help. Back off, Akane-chan.”

Owari did, nodding, holding out her hands, but with her eyes shut with an otherwise completely unruffled expression.

“Nagito,” Hinata spoke to him quietly. “It’s alright. We’re all friends here.”

…Friends…?

His head was starting to spin, was definitely starting to ache as his eyes swept across all these piercing, boring gazes. Ah, right. He has been in a situation like this before, hasn’t he? Carelessly cruel stares closing in—it’s spinning around and round like before, like before, like—

It’s only chance that he met wide, light, gray-purple eyes. Eyes that widen further, darken further, and then Tsumiki Mikan froze like a doe in headlights. She shivered, just the slightest bit, but there’s an intensity in her gaze that immediately made him shiver as well.

“…Ah…”

“Nagito—!”

Hinata caught him just as he collapses. Everything was starting to blur, everything including Hinata’s stricken, worried face.

“…overwhelming…”

And just like that, Servant shut his eyes tight.

–

There was supposed to be a party welcoming them all back, and Servant, unsurprisingly, had no intention of going. He just stood in the entryway of a cabin that was supposedly his, and stared blankly at the very familiarly unfamiliar room. The door was still cold behind him.

For a moment, he almost regretted snapping at Hinata earlier to leave him be. Hinata had been quite kind to bring him to this room, after all. Despairingly cold, empty, and unused as the room was.

Because Komaeda Nagito spent most of his time in Hinata-kun’s room. They were lovers, after all.

It was still clean, at least. Someone had been cleaning it, but it wasn’t as clean as he prefered things, so he cleaned a bit more. With two hands, one being mechanical, scrubbing was actually pretty easy, especially compared to the cleaning those children made him do.

Even now, cleaning was one of the few things he still enjoyed, and he was actually rather good at it. Cleaning calms him down, and helps with the illusion of order in his utterly, despairingly disorderly life.

And here I am, cleaning and organizing the room of someone whose life is and isn’t mine.

He decided not to dwell too much on such thoughts.

What did it matter, anyway? Everything here—these curtains just a touch too light for his tastes, these various trinkets set up he both adored and hated, a shelf full of books that were well-worn and recognizable tucked between several that weren’t so well-worn and not at all recognizable. Pill bottles that clearly hadn’t been used in a while but were still set neatly aside just in case.

The dresser was already carefully organized, full of clothes to his tastes. For good measure, there were more than a few of Hinata’s shirts inside, too.

Servant scrubbed the bathroom so hard that it was sparkling afterwards.

There were some photos, too, taped to the walls. Photos of flowers, of skies, and ones where Komaeda Nagito is smiling with his former classmates. Quite a few are of Komaeda Nagito looking truly happy alongside Hinata’s wide, cheeky grin. Quite a few were simply of Hinata, glancing towards the camera—wearing an expression befitting of Kamukura Izuru.

Except, Kamukura Izuru’s gaze had never been this soft. It really must have been such a lucky capture on film. No wonder Komaeda Nagito had been eager to tape this one to the wall with the others.

The fridge was filled with water bottles and cans of the soda he likes, but not much else. It had been kept clean. The bathroom, too, had been kept clean, but there were two toothbrushes, one green and the other red. And of course, there was a well-stocked first aid kit. In the shower, there was jasmine-scented shampoo and conditioner. His favorite.

His. But not. Not really his.

Everything was sparkling when he was finally done cleaning.

The bed had already been make, the bedding washed. The blankets are thick and insulating. He could fall to sleep and never wake up. For a moment, he was tempted to. He was tired. So tired.

He cleans, cleans, cleans, and then he falls into a deep, deep sleep. He doesn’t even dream.

–

“Hey, morning. I, uh, thought you might be hungry, so…” Hinata was rubbing at the back of his neck, and he offered the tray like it was an olive branch. Everything on it is to his tastes. And after eating emergency rations for so long, it was sure to taste so heavenly he would end up in tears. “I…figured you wanted to stay in your room, but…”

“Thank you,” Servant said, nodding, taking the tray and then shutting the door. He didn’t wait until he hears Hinata leave before he sends a prayer to start eating.

He did end up crying. Because the food really is that good. But despite that, he doesn’t feel anything emotionally. His eyes just feel irritated from the tears. He supposed he’s irritated, then.

Servant doesn’t really think past that.

–

Servant also enjoyed a quiet lunch and dinner in Komaeda Nagito’s room. In the vanity, he was sure Komaeda Nagito was glaring at him again.

He doesn’t really think past that, either.

–

Sometimes, one of them knocks on his door. Whether they were polite like Sonia, crasser like Souda, or curt like Kuzuryuu, he refuses to answer if they’re not Hinata. Even the Imposter’s calmer, more careful greetings and mutterings—they talked quite a bit about this person named Mitarai also living there and Servant really, really didn’t care so he tuned it all out—deigned no response.

Owari would’ve kicked down his door had Nidai not stopped her. Mioda would’ve done the same if not for Koizumi.

He should consider himself very, very lucky.

Hinata apologized to him later, for everyone else.

“I’ll tell them to leave you alone,” he said quietly, and then laughs mirthlessly. “This, uh, probably isn’t helping you. They’re just…hounding you. I’ll get them to knock it off, so…take your time, alright, Nagito?”

“Not Nagito,” Servant huffed. Unsurprisingly, even if it was through the door, Hinata heard him. Hinata just sighed.

“Nagito,” he stressed, almost childishly. Then, quieter, “I’ll still be checking up on you. Maybe, if they can behave, some of the others can check on you, too.”

“You sound like a disgruntled preschool teacher,” Servant couldn’t help but remark. “Must be stressful.”

“It is.” Hinata didn’t even hesitate. “But…it is…what it is.”

Servant didn’t say anything then, even to return Hinata’s regards as the other wished him well before leaving. Instead, Servant curled in on himself, and once again shut his eyes tight.

–

Quiet breakfast. Quiet lunch. Quiet dinner.

The unfamiliar book he picked out already has a bookmark with a pressed five-leaf clover in it. He stared at it for a long time before he slams the book shut and returns it to its place on the shelf.

Another quiet breakfast. Another quiet lunch. Another quiet dinner.

He slept. He dreamed. He wakes with a jolt when he hears her.

“…Komaeda-san…”

–

Another knock. Another, another, another.

Covering his head with the pillow does little to block it out.

“K-Komaeda-san…” A pause. Firmer, “Komaeda-san… I… I know you can hear me…”

“Why are you being so shyyyy, Komaeda-san?”

“I-I know you can hear me!”

Servant slipped out of the bed, and then opens the door. Under his glare, Tsumiki froze up and faltered. She shivered, dropping her gaze. Servant’s stare narrows at this.

And then, politely, bitingly, he smiled.

“What is it, Tsumiki-san?”

“…I… I wanted to…check up on you…” Tsumiki hesitated, and then, softly, bitterly, she laughed. She almost sounded tearful. “H-Hinata-san…is going to be…so…so upset if he finds out about this, but…”

“But what, Tsumiki-san?”

“Y-You being locked in your room all day…isn’t…good for you, especially when…you still don’t remember, right?” she asked, softly, biting her tongue and lower lip. She fidgets with her fingers. They’re not bandaged. There are countless scars from burns and bruises on her arms and wrists.

“You’re such a kind person, Tsumiki-san, worrying about someone like me,” Servant said sweetly. She flinched. “That said, I’m sure you’re aware of what I do remember. So, really, isn’t this little cabin visit more harmful than helpful, Tsumiki-san?”

“I-I’m not trying to…” She stumbled on the words. Her eyes glimmer. “I-I know… I know I’m the last person you want to see, but…!” She shook her head. “Hinata-san…worries so much about you…that he talks to me about you anyway…”

“Yep, that sounds like him,” he replied cheerfully. “That Hinata-kun really is such a worrier, isn’t he? Isn’t he wonderful? Even without remembering him at all, I just can’t help but fall in love aaaaaaaall over again!”

Another flinch. Then, a flicker of dark irritation across her sharpened gaze, some gritting of her teeth, and then—

“I’m nothing special, and I’m definitely not the kind of person that others care for or fall in love with. You’ve told me as much, Tsumiki-san.” It was funny how the words cut through that irritation and Tsumiki actually looks stricken. “And yet, Hinata-kun…”

Tsumiki’s features twist, and then, softly, she says, “Hinata-san loves you. He…loves you. So much so that…if he saw me here… He’d get…v-very upset…”

“So, I suppose I should cut to the chase, then, and ask—why are you here, Tsumiki-san?” His grip on the door knob tightened. “The only reason I haven’t screamed yet is because I’m so very curious as to why that is.”

“I-I… I don’t…have a good answer… P-Please don’t scream…” It’s funny how she begs, how she looks close to tears. Before, she would’ve been laughing and goading him on. “I-I just thought… I’d…talk to you because… Komaeda-san… I-I want to help…”

“I believe you,” he answered honestly. “That doesn’t make seeing you any less unsettling and uncomfortable. You should have known that’d be the case. This is far too careless of a move for a nurse to make, Tsumiki-san.”

She flinched again.

“I’m not going to tell Hinata-kun about this, but I still want you to leave.” His lips twist, twitch, but he doesn’t smile nor frown. “If you stay here, I’ll definitely end up sick.”

“O-Oh… I see…”

Then leave already.

“S-Sorry… So…” She hiccups, and then, “I-I’m sorry…”

Leave, leave, leave…!

“U-Um… Um… R-Right… I-I… I was thinking…” She wipes at her tears, breath hitching, and then, “Y-Your memory…”

I don’t care, just go away!

“Hmm?” His head tilted to the side, smile widening. “What of it?”

“K-Komaeda-san…not you but… Komaeda-san, he…made videos… They’re…probably in Hinata-san’s cabin… Um… If you see them, it might…jolt your memory…”

Servant blinked once. Twice.

“…Oh. I see.”

Tsumiki furiously nodded.

“…Thank you, Tsumiki-san, for telling me this.”

“Ah, n-no, it’s…nothing—”

He slams the door in her face before she can even really finish. He hears her cry out and perhaps she even started crying but, by then, he really couldn’t be bothered to care even the slightest.

–

It wa late. He couldn’t sleep at all. Hinata’s cabin door wasn’t locked. Moonlight filters through the blinds on the windows. Hinata slept gracelessly and restlessly. He supposed he should be grateful he was so used to navigating through the dark.

Hinata tossed and turned with a groan, but his slumber was a deep one. The way moonlight filters through the curtains, catching on his defined jaw, defined body. If he weren’t so squirmy, he’d be quite the sublime, stunning sight.

The video player was on Hinata’s desk, as are some videos. It’d be some ridiculous coincidence if these were the videos Tsumiki mentioned. Which meant, of course, that they had to be.

“Mmgh…” Another shift. Servant gathered up the videos and the player. “Nn…”

Despite himself, he didn’t leave immediately. Instead, he paused for a moment and then carefully brushes back Hinata’s fringe. Hinata would need another haircut, soon.

Hinata had such a troubled face. What an aching sight.

“…I’m sorry, Hinata-kun…”

He couldn’t do much else besides leave.

–

It was still late. He still couldn’t sleep.

In the darkness, the light of the screen is especially bright, especially with the shots of a clear, vibrantly blue island sky.

“Jabberwock Island, a paradise of everlasting summer, flourishing with beauty. It’s no wonder that once upon a time, this place was a fabulous resort.” A pause, and then a laugh. “And now it’s the base of a former terrorist organization! It’s still beautiful though, even with that ugly description, isn’t it?”

This…was definitely his voice. At that moment, that was all Servant could think.

And now the camera was fixated on the gulls, squawking and gathering around on the beach. A giggle. His giggle. Komaeda Nagito’s giggle.

“Even under these circumstances, they flourish. Isn’t that a beautiful thing? Hmm. Come to think of it, I wonder where Tanaka-kun is…”

“HARK FEATHERED BEASTS OF MAR!!!”

“Ah. There he—”

And then a seagull flew into the camera, making the video cut out as Komaeda Nagito yelped. Static.

When the camera regained itself, it showed a shot of the trees.

“…Ah! How lucky…! It’s working again!” Another pause. “Oh… But… The smell of this air…”

Clouds were rumbling, and then, a drop of water splattered onto the camera from above.

“Oh, no.”

It quickly switched to the inside of some kind of lodge, all while rain and crashing thunder could be heard.

“…Even in paradise, there are storms…” Komaeda Nagito turned the camera to face the window, where outside, it poured and poured. “Mm, but I think there is beauty to this as well.”

A flash of lightning burst in a blinding white crack through the sky itself before disappearing as though it were never there.

“I don’t care for the loud crashing sounds…” It was clear that the camera is shaking. “But I find the sight to be beautiful. Beauty can come in all different ways, be it despairing…or hopeful. Sometimes both. Sometimes neither.”

“Nagito, why are you still messing with that camera?” Hinata said from out of shot. “Come here, let’s get you dried off.”

“Ehehe. Coming, Hajime-kun.”

And so on.

And so this…was the kind of person Komaeda Nagito had been. The kind of person Servant had and hadn’t been.

And there was still more, of course.

“On quiet summer nights, even the stars whisper to one another. Their secrets are long lost by the time they reach us, leaving behind mere twinkles of a conversation.” A hum. “I don’t know if that makes much sense, haha!”

Laughter. Several of his former classmates seemed to be having the time of their lives running around and splashing one another on the beach as the camera scanned the area.

“Summer passes and one remembers their exuberance.” A pause. A laugh. “Of course, it’s always summery here, so… I guess that quote doesn’t apply in the slightest, haha.”

“How long are you going to be shooting that video you weirdo?!”

“Ah, ah, don’t mind me, Saionji-san!”

“Yo, Komaeda, try to get my good side!”

“Um… If I can, Souda-kun…”

“KoMAEda!!!” Nidai’s shout was so booming it caused Komaeda Nagito to jump and for the video to once again cut out.

Once again, the camera ends up fixated on a vast, starry sky.

“I know I’ve already recorded, this, but…” Komaeda Nagito takes in a deep, admiring breath. “I just…really love deep, contemplative summer nights, especially when the stars are out like this.”

He always had loved those nights, loved these summer stars.

Komaeda Nagito admires this sky for a while. Quite a while. Somehow, he was not bored with it. If anything, he was almost disappointed when the scene changes to that of a dark hallway that Komaeda Nagito seemed to be navigating. Barely anything can be seen in the fuzzy sight of the camera, and already he misses the stars.

But then, Komaeda Nagito began to whisper.

“We might have one of the rarest opportunities here, if he’s still up. My fingers are crossed! Ahhh, but, he surely hears how hard my heart is pounding…”

Komaeda Nagito turns into an office room of sorts. Komaeda Nagito sucked in his breath. As for himself, his breath caught when he realizes what he was seeing.

The room was slightly illuminated, and Komaeda Nagito’s giddiness is almost palpable as the camera focuses on Hinata sifting through papers on the desk.

Except, it wasn’t really Hinata.

His long dark hair was tied back, but with enough fringe that the scarring was still covered up. The crimson in his focused gaze was piercing, and yet, Komaeda Nagito whispered excitedly.

“And here our fortune has brought us the elusive sight of Kamukura Izuru at work…!” A sigh, and then, “He really is something else! Such presence! It gives me chills even when all he’s doing is staring at a wall! To see him actually focused on something is simply…!”

Kamukura Izuru glanced at the screen.

“Nagito,” he said, and he did, in fact, shiver. Komaeda Nagito also shivered, he’s sure, as Kamukura turns to fully face him. His gaze was showed no signs of emotion, and yet, the words were soft, careful. “What are you doing, Nagito?”

“A-Ah, Izuru-kun…” Stammering. “This is just…my…”

“If there is anyone who should be getting filmed,” Kamukura went on. “It should be you.”

And then he stood, and it went by in such a rushed blur as Komaeda Nagito cried out, “I-Izuru-kun, no…!”

Fumbling, gasping, and then Komaeda Nagito is finally shown, covering his face. Even in the low light, it was easy to tell those fair features were flushed a glowing scarlet.

“Ah, the elusive, sheepish Komaeda Nagito…” Kamukura sounded almost admiring, definitely fond. He can’t help but swallow at that, especially as the other went on. “Nagito, it is a shame to hide such a pleasant sight.”

“N-Noooo, Izuru-kun…” Komaeda Nagito whines.

“Ah, I will stop, then. I apologize.” Kamukura didn’t sound that sorry.

“Uuuuu…”

The video once again cuts away.

This time, however, when the video returns, Komaeda Nagito had set it up so that he was in the shot. His smile is like the ones in the pictures, even as he had his tongue stuck out in concentration as he fiddled with the camera.

“Ah, here we go! Despite a lot of setbacks, this video is recording!” He smiled even brighter. “I really am so lucky!!”

…It was uncanny. It was definitely uncanny.

“The others are a little confused as to why I keep bothering with this camera,” Komaeda Nagito went on. “Even though the reason is so simple, isn’t it? I’m making memories, precious memories! Ones that I won’t even forget even if my brain rots all the way!”

He blinked once. Twice.

“Hajime-kun, you’re watching this, aren’t you? Or maybe it’s Izuru-kun?” Komaeda Nagito looked positively radiant. “Ehehe, that’s really embarrassing, but… It does make me really happy.”

He couldn’t help but shiver.

“Whichever one it is, all the same, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. If I’m not allowed to forget, then you aren’t, either. I’ll be making more of these, you know.” Komaeda Nagito gave a mischievous wink. “And I’ll be leaving this same message on every one!”

Blink.

“Well, I’ll be seeing you.”

Shiver.

“Till next time.”

And just like that, the video ended, and shut off.

And yet, Komaeda Nagito remained. His smile was more eerie than anything, gaze shadowy rather than bright as before.

And before he knew it, Servant ran.

–

It’s still dark out. The stars are out. Daybreak was still quite a way away. It was a calm night, with the moon shimmering serenely overhead. The perfect night to quietly read under.

He was banging on Hinata’s unlocked door with his mechanical hand, so hard it was going to dent the wood. Still, it didn’t take long for Hinata to answer, alert, eyes wide with the shadows underneath looking so much darker when as hazel and crimson seemed to bright.

“Nagito…!” He was trembling as Hinata looked him over, and he should feel utterly exposed but—“Nagito…”

Hinata faltered, quieted, and sighed.

“Did you…have a nightmare?”

He managed to shake his head.

“I…see…” Hinata looked stiff, uncomfortable. Wary. But his gaze…was definitely one of a lover’s worry. Because they were lovers. They were lovers. “Nagito, how…are you feeling?”

He wasn’t feeling anything except the raw desperation that comes from sending message after message and not having one message reach anyone.

He grabbed onto Hinata’s shirt collar and yanked. Hinata barely had time to suck in his breath before their lips come crashing together. His arms looped around Hinata’s neck to pull him closer, and Hinata held him steady so that they didn’t end up stumbling over and falling.

These weren’t the giddy yet tentative kisses he’d pressed to Kamukura’s mouth. These aren’t the gentle, passionate kisses he’d seen on movie screens. He was practically wrenching Hinata’s mouth open with his own, tongue storming in to wash over everything.

He had been kissed like this before and always hated it. But this wasn’t like that. They’re lovers. Hinata was his. This was his.

Hinata even kissed him back. They were drowning in each other, they loved each other, they were lovers, lovers, lovers—

And he needed to breathe. So, he pulled back, and then, Hinata pressed a careful hand to his lips to keep him from leaning back in.

It was gentleful, but he flinched like he had been hit.

And, of course, Hinata’s gaze was searching his own. Hinata breathed, lips parted and rosy, but his eyes were downturned.

“I…” He felt shame burn red hot in his cold, pale cheeks. “I…”

Hinata pressed their foreheads together, hand cupping his cheek and stroking over the curve with his thumb.

“…wanna talk about it?” His voice was a little coarse, a little rough. Almost like he had kissed the air out of him.

Disgusting. Disgusting. Dis—

“…C… Can we talk…? Hinata-kun…? I… I want to…”

Hinata smiled at him patiently, comfortingly, and he felt so, so cold and yet…like he would start crying at any moment, too. Hinata tugged him inside. Carefully. So carefully.

–

He was still clinging to Hinata so tightly that it was difficult for Hinata to grab him a bottle of water. But, Hinata carefully pried his arms away, setting him on the edge of the bed, and retrieved that water bottle. And, of course, Hinata noticed the missing player and videos when he does.

Hinata didn’t ask about them. Hinata just unscrewed the cap, and hands him the water to drink. He took the bottle, taking a sip.

“…You still don’t remember, huh?” Hinata asked softly, without judgement but all the same there was dismay to the words. “I… It’s fine. As long as you’re…”

“I…” He choked out. “I’m not…anything. I don’t actually feel like anything.”

“Yeah…?” Hinata’s smile was sad, but it was understanding as well. So understanding that he trembles.

Crossing lines and boundaries…

“…Yes…”

The pleasant feeling of having your own boundary fall to pieces…

“I…”

Hope, despair…

“I’m…”

Joy, anger, misery… I must not be meant to feel any of those things.

He gulped down the water.

Because I’m so—

And, then–

“I’m…disconnected from everything, Hinata-kun,” he finds himself saying. “Nothing about me…even feels real. This body isn’t really mine, my memories are far-off and unreachable, and every moment I see Komaeda Nagito reflected back, that hollowness spreads more and more. This water will…pass right through me.”

“It’s supposed to do that,” Hinata replied softly. Just as quietly, he laughed.

“You know what I mean,” he said mirthlessly, smile twitching. “I… The point remains. When Komaeda Nagito’s memories reawaken, what’ll happen to me? I’ll just…disappear, won’t I? Shouldn’t that be…really, really scary? And yet—shouldn’t I want that to happen? There are so many good memories so wonderful they feel like dreams. I should want them. But, Hinata-kun…”

He shivered, and he reached out with his mechanical hand, gripping the edge of Hinata’s shirt. It was a good thing fabric couldn’t be crushed.

“…Hinata-kun… I still feel…so cold…so…empty… Am I even really a person right now? Everything feels so far away, and like they’re getting further and further away. Or maybe, maybe I’m just close to losing my mind. Maybe I’m just crazy, if this is brain rot, then—” Then, what? What? “What am I here for? What am I living for? I can’t remember. I can’t remember anything. Who am I, Hinata-kun? I’m not Komaeda Nagito nor am I a servant, I just—I just am. But who am I?”

He wasn’t sure who flinched when Hinata grabbed him suddenly, squeezing his shoulders as vibrant hazel and burning crimson met with dull gray-green. Then, it turned out that Hinata was the one quivering, slight as that quivering may have been.

“…You’re Nagito.” He scoffed at that, but Hinata went on. “You’re Nagito. That’s… That’s the name your parents gave you, right? I don’t care who the hell anyone thinks they are, once someone’s given a name, no one can take that away. So, you’re Nagito, Nagito.”

His cold, vapid smile twitched.

“…Okay.” He was so tired. Far too tired to argue it. “Sure… Okay. Whatever. That said, you do know I’m still not…your Nagito, right? I mean, I do love you, but I’m not someone that you lo…”

“You’re wrong.” Hinata cut him off before he could continue. “You’ve got that wrong.”

He blinked once. Twice.

“…Oh?”

“You’re not that Nagito,” Hinata said quietly, firmly, but then squeezes his shoulders. “But you’re a Nagito I love all the same.”

…He didn’t understand. Perhaps he was too stupid to.

“Y-You… You have a bit of a mean streak…but you’re also reserved and soft-spoken. You’re spiteful, but… You’ve got an understated carefulness as well. You act really affectionate, but you don’t really let anyone come that close.” Hinata swallowed. “You sometimes forget about your left hand…but sometimes you seem fixated on the whirring sound the prosthetic makes. There’s a lilt to your voice, a crookedness to your smile—I can’t tell you who you are, exactly, Nagito, but… I know that you’re someone I love.”

“…That’s cheesy,” he said, quietly unimpressed. Hinata just laughed.

“Yeah… Yeah…” But when he smiled, it really did seem to be a fond one. “But… I do understand how you feel…about…not really feeling real…”

Hinata took his hand, kissed his wrist, and guided his fingers through his hair, so that the digits brush against scarred tissue surrounding the crown. Hinata’s smile faltered as he himself stiffened. With his other hand, Hinata squeezed his mechanical left.

“When I woke up, I definitely felt similar to that… Both of us did. Hell, a lot of us did,” he sighed. “Some of us…still can’t bring ourselves to remember the stuff we did… But… Hah. Haha. You never let us forget. We hated you for that, Nagito, but…we loved you for it, too.”

“That’s not me,” he couldn’t help but weakly snap. “I… Even if…that…sounds like me, it’s not…”

“…Yeah…?” Hinata’s faded smile twitched. He firmly nodded.

“…I’m sorry.” Hinata let go of his hands. “I… I do…get it…”

“I believe you.” For some reason, he was whispering now. “I… I do…”

Hinata was the one blinking back at him, frowning and all irritatingly quiet. Suddenly, he sniffled. He does, not Hinata.

“…I’m sorry…” His shoulders quivered. “I’m sorry I don’t remember… I’m really sorry, Hinata-kun.”

The reflection of Komaeda Nagito must be looking on with such disdain. I know I would be.

“It’s alright, because…” Hinata squeezed his shoulder as he had before. “In spite of everything, believe it or not… You’re still you. And that’s…something.”

“Something?” he echoed with bitter humor.

“Something I love,” Hinata amended, and he couldn’t help but laugh and laugh until the tears started to flow. Hinata pulled him close and he clung to him in return.

He wasn’t sure what happens after that. Not…not really. At some point, from fatigue, the lateness of the day, or something else, the two of them must have fallen asleep together.

–

When he woke, it was late in the day, and there was a letter on the floor that had been shoved underneath the door. He couldn’t care less about that, instead focused on the herculean task of wiggling out of Hinata’s firm embrace. Somehow, he manages to free himself.

Just like Komaeda Nagito, Hinata had a red and a green toothbrush. As Komaeda Nagito’s stare bored into him, he brushed his teeth with the green one.

“…You know…” Both he and Komaeda Nagito speak up at the same time, and it was startling. He jumps. But then, he relaxed, and he sighed.

“…We really are…quite lucky, aren’t we…?” He couldn’t help but smile, and so ruefully, Komaeda Nagito smiled back. “Hey… When you come back… Can I…still stay…? I… It’s silly and… I’ve been uncomfortable most of the time I was here, but… I think… I want to stay. So, can I…?”

He paused.

It was not that Komaeda Nagito reflected back at him.

It was…just him.

Just him.

“…of course it is,” he scoffed at himself, shaking his head. “It’s always been just me.”

He rinsed out his mouth, running the brush delicately through his hair a few times. Despite that, he still fiddled with his fringe. It’s not as long as it used to be—but it was still pretty long. Come to think of it, Hinata’s hair was pretty long, even if it wasn’t as long as it used to be.

Perhaps they both need haircuts. Perhaps.

He returns to the room and, somehow, Hinata was still sleeping like a log. He was snoring, but not shifting, and he couldn’t help but snort as he brushed back those dark brown strands. Hinata’s lashes twitch, but he only groaned, nuzzling into the pillow. His snoring resumed, because of course it did.

You really are troublesome, Hinata-kun. As a lover, shouldn’t you be greeting me with a warm good morning? Ah, but I forgive you, because we’re lovers.

…Just kidding.

Hinata had a coffee maker, which he made use of. He didn’t add any sugar, because he didn’t remember Hinata ever adding sugar to his coffee. He stirred it all the same, and Hinata stirred awake.

“Mm… Nagito…?”

“Hinata-kun,” he greeted, bringing him his mug. Uncaring, Hinata took it and drank it almost immediately.

“…Gh.” And then, another swallow. “Guh… Good morning, Nagito.”

“Do you not get burned, Hinata-kun?” he asked curiously. Hinata shook his head. “Ah, I see.”

“Mm…” Hinata gulped down some more. “I wasn’t sure if you’d still be here in the morning.”

“Well, I stayed,” he said. “It seems I’m going to stay for as long as I’m able.”

“Yeah?” Hinata asked, and he of course nodded. Hinata hummed, and then, “If you’re interested, there’s going to be a party later. There’s no occasion. But I could tell the others were preparing one anyway. Mioda’s anything but subtle.”

“Ah, I see…” He couldn’t have been less interested if he tried. “I’d rather just spend my time with the one I love. And the one who loves me.”

Hinata nearly choked, but he couldn’t help but laugh and laugh. Exasperated, Hinata shoots him a look.

“…You’re something else, Nagito.”

“Yes,” he agreed. “I am.”

Smile brightening, head tilting to the side, he couldn’t help but go on.

“I love you, Hinata-kun. Thank you.”

Hinata stiffened, but then he did smile. Despite that exasperation, his smile is warm and sincere.

“I love you too, Nagito, and… You’re welcome.”

[collegiate-trash]

The komahina secret exhange and kamukoma week are both gonna take place on my birth month