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shnowbilicat · 2 months

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Old Scars Heal Slowly

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Healing from wounds takes a long time, especially once that you cannot see. Sadly I'm someone who carries many scars and many times they like to open up again.

Alright I'll drop the vagueness, I hate calling what I've went through 'traumatic experiences' but I also can't deny that many things in my life have been really messed up and that they left panaoid thoughts that ... sometimes are right.

You're free to read the whole vent below, but I'll summarize it here if you're still interested but too lazy to read through paragraphs or le tragic backstory~

It's funny that I have another character that was very well liked, but pretty much used as an object for someone else to injet their fanatasies into, and when I mentioned how uncomfortable it was for me, people lashed out. I don't know why strangers on the internet think it's totally cool to take someone else's character and jerk off to them. Maybe they're all kids who don't know any better? But that does not excuse that they're legit hurting the original artist ... me. I was hurt. I got paranoid to the gills, have a fcked up relationship with intamacy and am super defensive when it comes to other people wanitng to do something to/with my characters. Consent is still a very new concept I have the feeling ... and I'm so tired of fighting over other people about what I can or cannot do with MY characters ... *le sigh :'33

Okay, so now for a more indepth vent, yay!!

Kokuri started out as a Sonic creepypasta. I liked the concept of a powerful, stalking, creepy Sonic character, so I made him into an OC! His power made him into a god, his creepiness gave him a cool creepy horror form and his stalking ... yeah I made him into a perv and I loved him to bits X'D

I never had a perverted character and since I was a teen I could kinda explore my sexuality and stuff with him in a fun way- wait why are my followers really into him??

Yeah for some reason Kokuri was REALLY popular, so much so that many of my friends and followers started shipping him with their characters?? Luckily my friends understood that I was uncomfy, but some were not so nice. I remember getting a note where someone told me they 'omni-shipped' Kokuri and while I admit I was an emotional teen that had english as their second language, I still was uncomfy and tried to tell them to please not. Later a friend of theirs argued with me that I cannot control others, especially when I become big ... I hope yall know that it does not matter how big someone gets, people shouldn't just ... deny the original creator their wishes for THEIR OWN CHARACTERS. I know I cano't control them, but they can at least be nice enough to respect my wishes mmmmrgh.

Another example was that I had a back then recent friendship tarnished when the person drew their self insert with Kokuri and I told them nicely that Kokuri had a boyfriend ... and they started to be very upset and rude towards me. Or, ya know, that one time a very clingy, RP-happy 'friend' who was always venting to me about their mental health and family and always wanted Kokuri to be their self insert's boyfriend- wait I feel a deja-vu. But there's more! Bby me tried and tried to talk it out how much they tired me out, even RPing it out with Kokuri telling them off, but nothing worked. So, public journal canceling our friendship- ah shit they made a counter journal pretending to be their sister and how I made them attepting to end game. Yaayyyy~ Yall can imagine how it fucking traumatized little ol me :'333

SO! After I kinda drifted off from Sonic to FNAF it was peacefuly quiet, but I had a hard rule that my characters are not allowed to be shipped without my consent after all that bs.

Fast forward to 2023, I get a chat message on DA and someone was really interested with my FNAF boiz. I was ecstatic and rambled about my squad, since it's really rare to get new people on board on loving my bbys. Soon we pivoted over to Discord and ... they mentioned how they liked Rick n Keith, like REALLY really liked them. So far as to call them 'boyfriend material' and how they wished Rick actually existed and how he would be the perfect boyfriend cuz they wouldn't judge them. And I was like 'plz dun take this too seriously okay?? :'3' cuz I was uncomfy with them drooling over my boiz, but also not wanting to take away their joy. Cuz surprise surprise, they also had a bad life. I didn't wanna take away that potentially could help them cope with it all, but also, ya know, don't be creepy.

Aaaaand they asked me for a romance RP with Rick and their FNAF character. I declined, cuz remance RPs are uncomfy, no shit, but they continued being weird, always wanting my attention and being weirdly talkative about how X character was hot or smth, wanitng me to get into the stuff they like, being dismissive about things I liked, being very non-chalant on visiting them IRL (we barely knew each other for half a year too), not taking a no for an answer, etc etc etc

One of my biggest mistakes was giving into the romance RP some time later. The person managed to talk me into merging two of my AUs, FNOK my NSFW AU and my base FNAF AU. I dleted any murder from FNOK cuz I didn't like the implications of murder and naughties ... but now it was back in it! :D

Also remember their OC? Yeah, they didn't even have a design or name up until now- ah wait they are oddly similar to my RP partner and also they share a name? A fucking self insert?? Yeah, yeah it was a self insert and I'm 1000% sure about it. Also they wanted to have at least 5 sentence replies, without dialogue. Broskies, I was so mentally exhausted by it all ya don't even know.

Worst part? They also pivoted to having the hots for SpringTrap, asing how much animal to animatronic they are, how *ahem* rough SpringTrap would be in bed. You can imagine how little old me was very creeped and weirded out. Nothing against kinkiness, but if ya wanna get violated by a big ass rabbit monster, don't do it here thxx

Or some minor things were that the person was sharing their ideas for some FAR future plots or ideas for the RP. Like when Rick and their OC would live together ... bro, they just met in RP, chill your balls plzzz qWq

All came to a head when I got a very uncomfy nightmare and confronted them to all my issues ... aaaand they lashed out BIG TIME. To keep the next scene short, we had a falling out, I tried desperately to talk things out, but they refused, even though they previously told me to be direct with them, even before my confrontation. I remember very well that they demanded that I NEVER bring drama with them or tell anybody about our arguement.

Over time I realized I was fighting a battle I cannot win. One last time, being so calm I scared myself, but no, they called me a a parasite (for demanding space? That's the opposite of what a parasote wants bruh) and I blockd them everywhere.

Freedom at last ... but at what cost?

I got new scars, because of someone who couldn't understand limits or keep their bloody hands of other's characters just to satisfy themselves.

I just recently saw the parallels with Rick and Kokuri and it really makes me upset to see that I let someone just ... use them and me like that.

And you got not idea how much my paranoia expanded. Hell, drawing love or intimacy are even worse now, I'm so scared to have people yell at me again or be happy about the things I draw ...

So yeah, that's why I was posting some deeper stuff here and there :'3

I gotta say, it's nice to draw my pervy hedgy comforting best shadow boi. I really wanna draw Kokuri with my sqaud more, they'd be so fun <33

Anyway, thank you for reading and also being there for me. While I still struggle immensly with drawing stuff, I'll try my best to get over my fears ... just pray for me to not get another creep wanting to jerk off to my characters X'D

#rick the shadow man #the shadow man #kokuri the hedgehog #five nights at freddy's #fnaf #sonic #vent #art

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shnowbilicat · 8 years

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Remember Him?

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Cuz I do! :'D

Look who I dug up, guys! Our favorite Perv-hog! For those who remember him ... X'D

For those who are new and don't know, this is Kokuri! One of my Sonic/Mobian OCs and former 'Guardian Demon' :3

Well, what about I tell you a little bit about him, hm? Before FNAF, I was really into the Sonic Franchise, and I still am, and Kokuri was my 'main Character' (Aka. I had him as my Icon and I let him interact with people alot X'D)

His origin is a bit crazy; when I first discovered Creepypastas on the Internetz I came across Sonic.EXE and some Vids about it and how the Creepypasta was kinda meh. So, I tried making a better one! To make it short, the Pasta was about somebody finding a CD of a Sonic game for the PC in a forest. Trying to play it, the game gets more and more f'ed up and at the end, when Sonic was completely bonkers, the actually appeared in RL and started haunting them. At the end he got defeated and said that he wasn't the Hero he was before anymore and that his name is now 'Kokuri'.

After writting it and thinking about how Kokuri may have stalked me in this Pasta gave me the idea to make Kokuri Canon in my Sonic Universe, and so I did! ;D

... and good god this Hedgehog gave me a boost! I dunno why, but people liked him ALOT, so many peepz started watching me after I uploaded his Canon pic and it was amazing. Seriously, I think without him I wouldn't have met the people I now call my best friends on DA X3

But ... it had some minor problems ^^;

And these were ... that people really REALLY liked him ... and that people started shipping him with their OCs ... ^^;

Back then I wasn't very familiar with Ships and even RPs; heck, thanks to this Hog I started RPing!

And I actually was very VERY scared to 'get Kokuri back', fearing that the Drama would come back and that people wouldn't be happy (Or even angry at me) with my decision on me not wanting my Characters being shipped with their Charas.

... but ... I decided to draw him anyway and bring him back from his vacation, at least for a little while :3

I changed his design a bit, and to be honest he looks alot more mature than I last drew him X'D (Though he's old as f*ck, so it dun matter X'D)

I really hope you like him and I will secretly hope to everything holy to humankind that the Drama won't come back, seriously, looking bakc it was a realy Nightmare, espacially since I was pretty new to the Internetz X'D

OH! And one more thing; this pic is a little 're-draw' from the first pic I did of my Perv-hog http://fav.me/d613s67

Also feel free to ask stuff about him; he has ALOT of story and stuff behind him and I am happy to tell you all about him X3

(And thanks to :icondummyheart: he has much darker fur ... though I guess I will play around his skin colour to make it match more ... I dunno X'D)

#kokuri the hedgehog #sonic #mobian #art

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