bigsmallthought

[kennothythebard]

Please Don’t Say You Love Me

So excited to finally post it! This is my submission for the @kleinsensongbash, a little bit late but it’s here! It might not be my best fic writing, but I’m glad I finished it in time.

Notes:

Song: “Please Don’t Say You Love Me” by Gabrielle Aplin

Fandom: Dear Evan Hansen (duh)

Ship: Kleinsen (duh) and some implied Galaxy Gals

Word Count: 3,200

Connor Lives au (+They All Became Friends au)

I worked hard on this I hope you enjoy it!

"Hello? Earth to Evan Hansen?"

Evan was snapped back to reality by the voice. He refocused on the items in his locker and turned to see a familiar black hoodie.

"Conner! Sorry I was… I was distracted, how-how long, um, how long have you been standing there?"

"Like a solid minute. I asked the same question like three times. Man, you're really out of it."

"Y-yeah…" Evan was prone to overthinking most everything, but he liked to think he didn't let it interfere with his real life. He shook his head, annoyed at himself for spacing out. "What were you, um, what did you wanna ask me?"

"We still have plans to hang later today, right?" The two hadn't been friends long, and how they became friends was a rather uncomfortable story for both of them, yet they were practically inseparable. Evan wondered frequently if this is what having a best friend was like.

"I think so…" Evan said nodding his head.

"Did you forget?" Evan felt sweat start to form on his forehead. "I won't be mad if you did." Evan just stared at Connor, unsure what to say. "Ok, I'll be kinda mad if you forgot. But like, if you're hanging out with your boyfriend—"

"Shhh!" Evan quickly put a hand out to stop Connor from finishing that sentence. He quickly looked around to see if anyone had heard Connor. Thankfully, it seemed most of his peers weren't paying attention.

Connor raised an eyebrow in amusement. "I'm sorry, have I completely misunderstood the nature of the relationship between you and Jared Kleinman? Have you two just been going on dates and fucking as friends this entire time?"

Evan frowned. "Just advertise it to the world, why don't you?" He deadpanned. "You know I'm not exactly out yet…"

"You're pretty much out."

"Whatever can we just—can we just drop the Jared thing?"

It was Connor's turn to frown. "Something going on between you two? Are you fighting or—"

"No, no, no its- we're not fighting. Things are going, um, they're going well. Like really well. Almost too well."

"How can they be going too well?"

Evan shrugged. "I dunno… it's just, like… I guess, It's like, I dunno, things are getting pretty serious now."

Connor chuckled. "They weren't before?" He took a look at Evan's concerned face and sighed. "Ok, I'll bite. How are things getting serious in a way they weren't before?" Evan stayed silent. He really didn't want to tell Connor about his relationship with Jared and why he was worried about it. "Alright, I'm invoking the NLC."

"Dammit." The NLC was a tool of Evan's own invention. When he and Connor became friends he had suggested that they should be able to tell each other anything, and more importantly they shouldn't lie if lying would be harmful to their health. Evan had called this idea the No Lying Clause (NLC for short), and he felt it had really helped the both of them multiple times in the past. But when it came to personal matters it was annoying. And what was worse, Connor enjoyed using the NLC to his advantage whenever he wanted Evan to reveal personal details Evan normally wouldn't tell anyone, not even his mom.

"Well? I don't have all day Hansen."

"I think Jared is in love with me," he blurted.

Connor didn't seem phased. "Ok… and? Like this wasn't a thing before?"

"I mean, I don't know, I guess he was into me but like… I think he keeps trying to tell me he loves me, and I mean, I just- I mean, I can't—I can't deal with that right now."

"What's so bad about him saying he loves you?"

Evan shook his head. "The fact I won't be able to say it back."

Connor's eyes opened wide with surprise. "You don't love him back?"

"Well I mean…" Evan gestured for a few seconds before putting his head in his hand, helpless. "I don't know. But if I say it there's commitment, and I could have to unsay it one day, but if I don't say it then we have to talk about it and he's gonna break up with me because I don't feel the same way, even if I do and—"

"Whoa, slow down, Evan. So you do love him?"

Evan threw his hands in the air. "I don't know! I don't know anything! I don't know what to do!"

Connor laughed. "Look, if he does say it, just like seduce him or something. If you bang him hard enough, maybe he won't realize you didn't actually say it back."

"Why do I go to you for advice?"

Connor gave a smug grin. "Cuz I'm your best friend."

"Yeah, yeah… wait aren't you my only friend?"

"Not quite…" Connor pointed towards the two girls walking down the stairs at that moment. Zoe and Alana. He knew they would see him and they would talk to him and with all this stress on his mind he wasn't sure if he wanted to deal with that, but at least Connor was there to deflect some of the attention. Alana looked over and saw Evan, giving a smile and a small nod. Evan gave a quick, small wave in return as the two girls walked over.

"Hey Evan!" Alana said, pulling him into a somewhat reluctant hug.

"Hey."

"Have you seen Connor?" Zoe asked.

Evan frowned. "Yeah, he's right…" Evan turned around only to find empty space where Connor had been a second ago. He turned back to the girls and grimaced. "You just missed him."

"Oh…"

"Supposedly we're hanging out later today? I dunno…"

"Well if you see him, give him this." Zoe handed Evan a piece of paper, some kind of rubric or project instructions.

"I will." Evan looked at the paper, unsure. He knew the exact reason Connor had bolted but it was still perplexing. "I thought things were going better between you guys?"

Zoe shrugged. "A bit I guess… We got in a fight this morning, and he apologized in the car but I think he's… I dunno, ashamed? In any case, he's avoiding me again."

"Baby steps, Zoe," Alana said, patting Zoe's shoulder.

Evan coughed. "Um, what did you wanna say to me?"

Alana smiled. "Just reminding you the student outreach group is having a meeting on Wednesday."

"Oh. Right. How did I let myself get roped into that again?"

Zoe snickered. "I ask myself the same thing."

Alana shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Just be there guys."

Zoe gave Alana an awkward salute. "Yes ma'am." She laughed. "I mean, it's basically the one chance Evan and I get to catch up. And with the crazy schedule the past few weeks we haven't really seen each other. How've you been Evan? How are things with… you-know-who?"

"Real subtle," Alana scolded under her breathe.

Evan shrugged. "I mean, pretty good, I guess."

"Uh-oh. What's the problem?" Alana could always intuit when one of her friends had a problem. It was pretty unsettling. Most of the time, Evan was thankful for this gift, but in situations like this it was frustrating.

"Nothing's the problem!" Evan said way too quickly. "Everything's fine, we're fine and know we have a lot of fun together and I think he's in love with me and that's great so everything's—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up there," Zoe interrupted. "Jared's in love with you?"

"…Shit."

"Like he's said he loves you?" Zoe and Alana looked at Evan in anticipation.

"No, not really, not yet," he answered. "Thank god," he quickly mumbled after.

"Why 'thank god?' Why is that a good thing?" Alana asked.

"…I hoped you wouldn't hear that. Look, I-I already talked to, um, talked to Connor about this, he gave me his advice and I don't want to rehash it again—"

"My brother's advice is terrible. And his romantic advice is the literal worst."

"Yeah, no shit Sherlock. When he realized I had a crush on you he suggested I throw myself out of a tree again."

Alana frowned, concerned. "Wait, when was this? Evan, that's awful! He shouldn't—"

"It was a long time ago, Alana. And I'm with Jared and you're together and Zoe and I are cool. Right?"

Zoe grinned. "Eh. I don't know, I'm kinda on the fence about you, Hansen."

Evan raised an eyebrow. "That sounds like something Connor would say."

"Shut the fuck your mouth."

Alana giggled at the nonsensical phrasing and nodded with Evan. "He's right!"

Zoe ignored Alana. "Just don't listen to his advice."

"Not planning on it. I just… I-I think I'll figure it out. Somehow. For now, I just… I just can't see Jared for a while."

"That's gonna be an issue…" Zoe and Evan followed Alana's gaze towards Jared who was walking in their direction at that instant.

Jared smiled at the three as he approached them. "Hello lovely ladies. Evan." He winked as he said Evan's name, causing Evan to blush profusely. "Did you wanna do anything later today?" The question was clearly directed at Evan, who found himself at a loss for words.

"He has plans with Connor later," Alana chimed in.

"Well bring him along. The more the merrier, right?" Jared chuckled as Evan's jaw dropped. "I'm kidding. Just wanted to see the look on your beautiful face. You kids have fun. And if things change let me know." Jared patted Evan's shoulder affectionately, then began walking away.

"Good to see you too, Kleinman," Zoe called after him.

"Sorry, computer club awaits, no time for proper farewells." Jared gave a quick wave goodbye then disappeared down a hallway. Evan gave a small wave with what must have been a foolish smile and an awful feeling in the pit of his stomach. He was suddenly overcome with only one thought, that he needed to be anywhere but here, and his only instinct was to act upon it. He ran through the hallways, leaving Alana and Zoe calling after him and quickly ran into a bathroom.

He turned on a sink, splashed some water in his face and tried some of the deep breathing exercises he had been taught. He did everything to remain calm. He was not about to have a fucking anxiety attack because his boyfriend smiled at him. He just needed to compose himself so nobody saw him like this. Please, Jared, just… please don't say you love me.

The sound of the door opening brought him back to reality. "Evan, you in here?"

His eyes widened and he turned away. "Zoe! You-you can't be in here!"

"Ask me if I give a fuck." Evan could just make out Zoe approaching him in the mirror in his periphery. Something changed when she saw what was happening. "Hey are you ok?" Evan nodded. "Are you sure? Like, you're not going to have an anxiety attack, right?" Evan vigorously shook his head. He knew now he would be fine, but he just—he just couldn't. "Well, what's going on?"

Evan shook his head. "I can't… just… ask Connor."

Zoe gave Evan an odd look but pulled her phone out and started typing a text. The two waited with bated breath as a string of texts from Connor poured in. "Oh…Ok…I think I'm getting it…wait…oh, I got it now." Evan turned, not directly facing Zoe, but able to see her a little better. "Not to diminish your feelings, but you're worrying over a problem that doesn't exist yet."

"But it will soon, and… and what if I'm not ready to say it back?"

"You really think Jared will break up with you over something so trivial?"

"…Maybe."

"Look, there's no serious problems in your relationship, right? It's fun and you both enjoy each other's company. Jared's not going to risk losing that just because you can't say that word back."

"You don't know that." At that moment the door swung open and Evan heard the mumbling of a random student. The student froze as he saw Zoe.

"Ocupado!" Zoe called over her shoulder as the terrified student slowly backed out. Evan and Zoe looked at each other before sharing a laugh, diffusing the tension from before. Zoe looked at Evan with a soft smile. "Look, Jared is smarter than he looks. Just barely, but he is." Evan cracked a small smile at the joke. "I think he'll know that that's a pretty serious thing for anyone to consider. And if anything bad does happen, let me know and I'll punch him in the dick."

Evan chuckled. "Thanks I guess."

"Hey what are best friends for?"

Evan smirked. "Apparently, telling you to seduce your boyfriend and then bolting when his sister appears."

"Are you saying I, Zoe Murphy, am second place in your friends list? To my brother? I'm offended, Evan."

"Wounded, even?"

"Hurt, Evan."

"You know you and Connor are actually a lot alike."

"Shut your fuck."

"Come on, how is that offensive, he's your brother."

"Speak of the devil and he shall appear," a voice from the doorway said. Connor stood there, un-phased by the scene before him. "Just wanted to make sure everything was cool. Offer you a ride home." He gave Zoe an awkward glance. "I can give you a ride too, if you want."

"Thanks, but Alana and I are studying after school."

"Right. Studying." Connor made air quotes as he said the last word, causeing Evan to chuckle and Zoe to become annoyed.

"Shut up Connor, why does you mind always go straight to sex?"

"It doesn't always go there—"

"Your advice to my predicament of what to do with Jared was to seduce him."

"Hey it works in that situation!" Zoe and Evan laughed, almost forgetting the tension from before. Almost.

Evan liked it when Connor gave him a ride home. He could just look out the window as the scenery rushed by, looking at the trees, the houses, the stores, the cars… He often didn't even pay attention to where they were going. But as they drove along, something felt off to Evan. As Connor slowed to a stop, Evan looked back at him.

"I thought we were going to your house…?"

Connor shrugged. "We were. But I got a text from Jared and I thought you two might want to hang out."

Evan rolled his eyes. "He can go one afternoon without seeing me."

"You're going to have to face him eventually. If you don't, then your relationship really will fall apart."

"Why do you have to be so right when you're serious?" Connor merely shrugged again.

"Just… talk to him. And if he does hurt you in any way, I'll punch him in the dick."

"That's exactly what Zoe said. You two are a lot alike, you know."

"Shut the hell your mouth."

"That is also almost exactly what she said."

"Just get the fuck out of my car and talk to your boyfriend, Hansen."

Evan hesitated, but grabbed his bag and opened the door, looking back to Connor's car as he walked up to Jared's front door and knocked. Jared answered, looking pleasantly surprised.

"Hey, I thought you said you were hanging out with Connor today."

"Well, my best friend is an idiot who drove me to the wrong house!" He yelled these last few words back at Connor, who honked and drove off.

"Come on in." Evan followed Jared into the living room, setting his backpack on the ground before Jared pulled him in for a quick, passionate kiss.

"So, um," Evan could already feel the blood rush to his cheeks, "what did you wanna do?"

Jared gave a playful smile. "Well my parents won't be back until tomorrow…

"…So you want to binge Parks and Rec again." Jared laughed.

"Not exactly."

"You have to get sick of that show eventually, we've watched the entire thing like a billion times."

"We're not binging Parks and Rec."

"Ok, thank god—"

"We're binging The Good Place."

Evan gave a deep, exasperated sigh. "Why are you like this?"

"It's a good show, you'll like it. And we can cuddle the entire time." Jared kissed Evan's cheek before sitting down on the couch. Evan shook his head with a smile as he sat down and wrapped his arms around Jared.

"Ok. Let's give this show a whirl."

They were several episodes in, and though Evan would never admit this to Jared, he was hooked. He really felt he could relate to how the characters felt, even if he wasn't going through exactly the same things they were. He liked that the relationships were a little messy and undefined, much like relationships in the real world. He had gone through some weird undefined relationships with a lot of his friends, and especially with Jared. He was glad that everything had turned out alright. He held Jared in his arms and kissed the top of his head, trying to refocus on Eleanor's latest mistake. Jared shuffled a bit and turned to look at him.

"Hey," Jared said in a soft voice.

"Hey," Evan replied.

"So, um, I need to say something to you and I need you to not freak out."

And suddenly Evan remembered everything he had been worried about. Please, I can't. Please don't say you love me, 'cause I might not say it back. "Um… why would I," he coughed, "why would I freak out?"

"Evan…" His heart skipped a beat looking at Jared's face in that moment, so sweet and caring. "…I love you." Evan stopped breathing. He couldn't do anything to stop his eyes from widening. This is it, this is the end, when I can't say it back he's gonna—"And you don't have to say anything back." Wait what?

Jared smiled and continued. "I know that this is a big thing to say, and I don't expect you to feel the same way just yet. But I needed to tell you. Being with you is so amazing, and I know you like being with me. Even if we're not at the same place yet, there's no need to worry when you see where we're at. But I love you. And I had to tell you that."

Evan couldn't say anything back. He was so overcome with emotions that he couldn't name. He leaned in and kissed Jared, deep and slow. Jared responded very positively to this, and by the time they had disentangled from making out, they had to start the entire episode over.

As the hours passed, Jared fell asleep as Evan stayed up to finish the first season. As Evan watched the finale, Evan noticed how Eleanor and Chidi regarded each other, and how the entire time, it had all been about the relationship between the two of them. And it made him realize something.

"Jared?" he whispered, fully aware he was asleep. "I love you too."

Though he might have to reiterate it in the morning, which was a terrifying prospect, he was content to fall asleep tonight, holding the boy he loved in his arms as autoplay began Parks and Rec again.

[doforlove]

my piece for @kleinsensongbash !

song

[sincerely-meme]

I think that possibly, maybe I’m falling for you

Yes theres a chance that I’ve fallen quite hard over you

I’ve seen the paths that your eyes wander down, I wanna come too…

I think that possibly maybe I’m falling for you ~

~ Falling in love at a coffee shop

My entry for the @kleinsensongbash!!  (sorry its not longer, I really wanted to write a fic too,, i might later actually ;) )

[thatscrazyrandom]

This is my entry to the @kleinsensongbash . My song was ‘True Love’ by Pink. I’m a little disappointed with my entry but what can you do? Small drabble under the cut.

~~~~

‘Sometimes, I hate every, single stupid word you say, sometimes I wanna slap you in your whole face.’ Jared knew Evan didn’t mean to hurt him, but every time he heard him deny their relationship in public made him want to slap him. He knew he just wanted to keep his head down, and he knew he was scared, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. 'There’s no one quite like you, you push all my buttons down, I know, life would suck without you.’ Evan always made sure he made it up to Jared, whether it was small, teasing kisses in the second-floor bathroom before class, a good long snuggle session or (on the rare occasion) a sensual make-out session on Jared’s bed. Jared always forgave him, because he knew he’d be lost with Evan, no matter what kind of front he put up at school. 'At the same time, I wanna hug you, I wanna wrap my hands around your neck. You’re an asshole but I love you.’ Jared felt most at peace with life when he and Evan hung out alone. He was a fucking sap and Evan was more than happy to indulge him. They cuddled constantly and were pretty much always touching. Except when they were in public, Evan acted like nothing had changed, even though they had been dating nearly a year now. 'And you make me so mad I ask myself, why am I still here? Or Where could I go? You’re the only love I’ve ever known.’ Jared was helpless, he loved Evan too much to say how much it hurt. Besides, he didn’t really have any friends he could get to talk to Evan about it. Most of their friends were Evan’s before they were his, and he had no doubt they’d side with him. 'So much I think it must be true love.’ But it always came back to how Jared felt with him. He loved him with his entire being, and Evan said he felt the same. He would survive until Evan wasn’t scared anymore. 

[arofundy]

my submission for @kleinsensongbash !! 

it is... the boys

there was gonna be more but i couldnt make it work so... this is it

reblogs >> likes

[ pls dont tag as kin/id/etc for evan!! ]

[briochebun-blog]

For the @kleinsensongbash

[kennothythebard]

I saw your new addition to the "a worthy explanation" universe and I love it! You mentioned in your note at the bottom that you had some other ideas planned, I'd love to hear about them?! Can't wait to read your future stuff 💜

!!!! Thank you so much, I really appreciate you taking the time to say you enjoyed the fic (it was a little short by my standards but I just had the feeling that I needed to write something). 

So I have a lot of ideas for future stories, so I’ll break them down by stories for AWE and stories that are not

Firstly, I signed up for the Kleinsen Song Bash! Essentially, a bunch of talented artists, fic writers, etc. (and me as well) are going to create Kleinsen art based on a song we were sent. I got a really good song, and it’s kinda angsty and kinda fluffy and it’s a really good fit for me. I’ve decided to opt for a much happier “Connor lives” au because the way the song was written I can’t really work it into AWE also I don’t give Connor enough love. I’m going to be working on that a fair bit this weekend. Be sure to check out all of the fics and art when they come out on September 1st on tumblr, @kleinsensongbash

In general, I want to write more happy fluffy connor lives au things, and I’ve started coming up with headcanons, but I’m kinda lacking a plot so who knows how long these kinds of fics are going to take. Maybe I should do it as a collection of drabbles?

I have a really dark idea for an au. All I’m willing to say about it at this time is that it starts because Evan doesn’t feel comfortable addressing a letter to himself. It’s heavy angst, but prolly still with a happier ending than deh and prolly still kleinsen endgame. I really don’t give treebros and sincerely three enough love.

I’m still working on “Whatever.” which is my Jared/Evan fix-it fic, canon compliant and post canon.

AWE Things:

I had a Zoe POV fic in the works and then I didn’t save it. :c I still like the plot though, so I’ll try to rewrite it. Takes place Zoe’s senior year. She ends up putting together the pieces to solve a rather puzzling mystery: why is Evan Hansen so angry?

I have a prequel fic in the works, a short Jared POV of the first day of school. Heavy angst tbh.

There will be a plot that takes place in “Worst of Memes” it just might take some time. Probably multiple plots actually.

I’d like to do some more with the ocs I made specifically for AWE, (basically the non-colton ocs, I have Colton related plots planned on @asklosingfaith if you wanna check it out) but I understand that they’re likely not as well liked by other people as well as they’re liked by me.

I’d like to explore more of the BMC crossover aspect. 

I need to put more Galaxy Gals in the AWE au.

I really appreciate your interest in the story, I never imagined it would spiral into this. Hopefully I’ll get more consistent with my fics instead of sudden bursts of creativity followed by dropping off the face of the earth. Thanks for sending me this ask, it really made my day! c: