#kings rising first half is basically both damen & laurent wanting to shove things down in two boxes using an entirely different criteria

[ninicaise]

i've been having many thoughts on damen's thought process lately and like. damen's perspective of their relationship is actually so interesting bc it's not as if he doubts laurent has feelings for him at any point after ravenel. seeing it as he opens with "the night we made love" not fucked, not had sex, made love. he knows laurent loves him in a way. what he doesn't know at one point is that laurent has feelings for Damen, the whole person, and not this slave damen persona he created & that's why he's in such a melancholic pining state even when sticking it in. and then he is momentarily so happy when he finds out laurent knew who damen truly was when he slept with him bc in damen’s mind laurent Acts Like That with him → obviously reciprocates damen's feelings → they "make love" + laurent knows the full extent of his identity and still made that choice = happy ending. but their reality is a lot messier than that and yes damen is aware of it on some level (even when he makes the terrible faux pass of mentioning auguste when laurent is already stressed and volatile).

however his mind still operates on simple basic tangible logic. either it is or it's not. so this thing where laurent loves him and laurent hates him and is hurt and is hurting damen and there's politics over the feelings and laurent knew but was in denial and this and that and but and but and. it's all too layered and conceptual and confusing for him. he does understand the complexities bc he's not stupid but he doesn't respect them. and so he pines about it.