#kinddd of proves my point though ajsbxhdhd

[selfcontainedinferno]

You don't seem that bad with people

Probably because I'm good at being nice to people! Not always but in general, I like being nice to people and making them happy. Buuuut. I'm really bad at understanding people I guess? The thing is, I'm not good at friendships. Hell, I didn't have any until....sometime in high school, so 3 or 4 years ago? (even once I found a couple people who liked me, I could count them on one hand until this year) Through all 12 years of school I was relentlessly, terribly bullied and hated by like, everyone. And I am not exaggerating when I say that-I can't remember a single person that was even decent to me. (I don't remember much of that time tbf trauma does weird things to your memory) I also had an abusive family so. Thanks to all of that I got very very good at recognizing when someone was angry or upset, and very good at learning the "go away, you're not wanted" cues. Didn't make me very good at recognizing why they were angry, though. And I never got good at talking to people because I never did talk to people. I read my books constantly and wrote my stories and acted (even though everyone in drama hated me) So basically everything was a constant inner monologue-you don't learn to have conversations if you never really do it! So all that is a recipe for a person who talks too much because they don't know what a normal amount is, and their thoughts work a lot faster than most neurotypical people so they talk a lot very fast. I'm doing it right now, whoops. All this is a very very very roundabout way of saying-I'm bad at conversations. I send a lot of texts and don't know when to stop talking because I genuinely don't know how much is a normal amount. That annoys a lot of people, understandably. I also don't think much about what I'm saying, because it all comes out so fast, so I end up saying things wrong or things that upset the other person, and not realizing.

All this is to say-god, please be patient with me. I'm trying. I struggle a lot with normal interaction and relationships. I am gonna fuck it up sometimes, and that is my fault-I'm not making excuses. But it can be hard to know what I did wrong or what upsets someone if I'm not told.