#kinda worth sacrificing my few remaining hours of sleep for this

[anistarrose]

Forget, Remember, Forgive (Gravity Falls One-Shot)

Summary: Stan expects to have a routine night working on the portal, but things feel just slightly off.

Word Count: ~2000

Warnings: self blame and low self esteem

(A Secret Santa fic for @usuallyherdragon, who requested some Stangst with a happy ending!)

Stan awoke slowly at first, bleary-eyed and slowly blinking himself back to consciousness — only to leap out of his chair with a jolt as full awareness returned to him.

How late was it? How had he let himself fall asleep here? He needed to be downstairs working on the portal, not napping the night away —

From the sad-eyed owl clock on the wall, there came a single soft and reassuring chime, the minute hand reaching the bottom of its arc. Stan sighed. It was only nine-thirty, which meant he hadn’t wasted much time at all, yet he felt exhausted like he’d just pulled an all-nighter. He was going to need to make a lot of coffee, wasn’t he…

“Grunkle Stan?” Mabel’s voice nearly made him jump. He’d been so focused thinking about the portal, and the time, and the coffee, that she might as well have materialized right in front of him — a practical ghost, if only ghosts wore toothpaste-stained nightgowns and clutched grappling hooks close to their heart.

“Are you… okay? Do you need to talk to one of us about something?”

Yikes, is it really so obvious how out of it I am?

“Nah, don’t worry about me. I’m just a little tired — when you’re my age, you’ll be fallin’ asleep before your bedtime too.” He ruffled her hair affectionately. “Speaking of which, you should be gettin’ to bed, you little gremlin.”

Mabel smiled and elbowed him gently in the gut, apparently reassured. “You can wake me up if you need anything, I don’t mind,” she told him. “I’m sure Dipper won’t either.”

Stan shook his head as Mabel headed upstairs. Since when were the kids trying to become his personal therapists?

It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate the sentiment, he mused as he headed to the darkened kitchen. (In fact, he’d never admit it, but the knowledge that they cared for him gave him a warm and fuzzy feeling inside.)

The problem was that the warmth in his chest that the kids had sparked was accompanied by a sinking black pit of guilt in his stomach, because he could never tell them all the things that were really weighing on him. Because he was lying to them, because they didn’t know about the portal and he couldn’t tell them, not now.

Shaking his head, he pulled a mug out of the cabinet, and then froze as he heard a faint noise from the other corner of the kitchen. It was a soft intake of breath, the type that would proceed a hesitantly spoken sentence.

Something about it seemed unbearably sad.

Stan turned around to see a gray-haired man sitting in the darkness, a mug of his own on the table in front of him as he gazed pensively at the battered wall of the Shack’s kitchen. Yet even in the dark, with only a side view of his face, Stan recognized him instantly.

His mug fell from his hand, shattering into a hundred pieces that scattered across the floor. But he barely heard the sound, as he gasped:

“Ford?!”

***

The second night after Weirdmageddon, Ford had almost said something to Stan at three different points.

First, it was going to be “I’m sorry about everything,” but Stan was showing no sign of remembering any incidents of friction between them, and Ford just couldn’t bring himself to force those memories back. It would be for the best if Stan regained those memories eventually, he knew, but a tiny, cowardly, part of him was holding onto hope that they might never return.

Next, it was going to be “do you want to watch this recording I found of us as kids?” but by the time he’d gotten the first few words out, he’d that realized Stan was asleep in his chair, expression peaceful for what Ford knew, deep down, was the first time in a long time. At this point, Ford theorized, rest would be just as good for Stanley as exposure to items from his past. Sleep should have helped the memories settle into their correct place, to form connections together again. So he left Stan asleep in his chair, snoring softly.

Finally, about an hour later, when Stan was awake again and had made his way into the kitchen, it was once again going to be “I’m sorry.” Best to get it over with — so Stan would know what to expect as his last few memories returned to him, so they could finally go back to being brothers, so Ford’s conscience could finally be at peace…

But it was a difficult conversation to start, and Ford found himself staying silent. He turned away from Stan and fixed his gaze upon the wall, counting the stripes on the wallpaper —

Then in the corner of his peripheral vision, a mug crashed to the ground, and he jumped at the sound of it shattering.

No longer was it an option to stay quiet. He sprung out of his chair and rushed to Stan’s side, putting both hands on Stan’s shoulders and searching Stan’s eyes for some spark of… of… of any emotion, of fear or sadness or recognition, that might explain what was wrong — because Stan was saying nothing, mouth agape and hands trembling in a panicked silence —

“Stanley?! Are you alright? It’s — it’s going to be fine, just tell me what’s wrong, okay? Everything’s going to be fine…”

“You really…” Stan finally stuttered, “you’re real? No, how are you — there’s no way you’re really here —”

“I am here, Stanley.” Ford wrapped his arms around Stan’s shoulders and pulled him close. “I’m here,” he repeated, gently patting Stan on the back. “I’m real, I promise. You don’t need to worry…”

From where Stan’s head rested on Ford’s shoulder, there came a noise somewhere between a sniff and a gasp — like a half-contained sob.

“But… how? How did you —” Stan sniffed again. “— get back here?”

Ford let out a long, sad sigh. “Stan, I’ll explain in a moment, I promise. But… could you please tell me one thing first?”

“Mm-hmm.” Stan’s head shook in what must have been a slight nod.

“Do you know today’s date?”

“It’s June… June twenty-something. I think.”

Maybe it was something about the silence Ford reacted with that tipped him off, or it was simply saying it out loud that made it clear, but just a moment later, Stan whispered: “It’s not really June anymore, is it?”

“No, it’s not. You brought me back, Stanley. You saved me.”

Stan was silent, and with a sad chuckle, Ford added: “You saved me three times, really. First from the portal…”

“I found your other two journals,” Stan said slowly, and then with more confidence continued: “Gideon had the second and Dipper had the third.”

“That’s right.” Gently, Ford guided Stan to a chair, and Stan sat down without really seeming to realize what he was doing, eyes staring off into space as if fixating on an image from some half-returned memory. “Do you remember the second time? Honestly, in hindsight… it probably the most preventable —”

“Was that when you and Dipper almost got your brains eaten by a nerd wizard? I remembered that earlier today but thought it was just a fever dream or some shit.”

Ford laughed. “No, that really happened. Though the more I think back on it, the more convinced I am that you cheated with that final roll of the die.”

Stan shrugged, a smug smile on his face. “Sorry, but I just don’t remember whether I rigged it or not. Guess it’ll remain a mystery.” He winked.

“Alright, now I’m sure you cheated,” Ford replied, and Stan snorted, but Ford noticed he wasn’t making eye contact.

“I don’t remember much of that third time,” Stan murmured, “and I dunno if I want to. I don’t think I do.”

He rested his head in his hands. “But I’m really sorry, Ford. I know I messed something up when you really needed my help, and I — I’m so sorry. I know I regretted it before I forgot everything, and I — I —”

“I forgive you, Stan. And — and I’m sorry too,” Ford whispered. “It was both our faults. Except… except you went and sacrificed everything for us, while I haven’t done a single thing to make up for what I did, except for standing around and feeling sorry for you —”

“Shut up, Ford,” Stan blurted out. “You would’ve erased your own memories instead if you could have — you said it yourself — and then I would be the one standing here feeling sorry for you. It’s not your fault that you couldn’t erase your whole goddamn mind in order to make up for correcting my grammar —”

“You remembered,” Ford whispered, but Stan went on, the words pouring out like some barrier had finally been broken:

“And you’re not just standing around being useless. You’re literally helping me get my memories back right now, but you say you haven’t done a single thing? Well, maybe I’m biased because they’re my memories, but I’d say that’s kinda something important! I’m tired of you acting like you’re worthless, Ford! Ever since I got my mind erased you’ve been acting like I’m the only twin worth anything, and yeah, the hero treatment might of been nice for a couple of hours, but — one, I was still kinda amnesiac and couldn’t really appreciate it, and two, you’re completely selling yourself short! I wouldn’t have been able to anything to Bill without you, so — so just—”

He coughed and wiped his nose. “So just stop being a stubborn ass and accept that maybe there’s a reason I missed having you as a brother, okay?”

Ford opened his mouth to reply, but no sound came out — and maybe for the best, since Stan whispered one last thing:

“And you did do something else to make up for your mistakes. You forgave mine.”

He got out of his chair to hug Ford again, and Ford embraced him back — it was the first time they’d shared a proper, returned hug in what must have been decades, Ford realized.

“I forgive you too, Sixer. I hope that’ll make you feel… less worthless. Because I know what that feels like, and I don’t want you to…”

“It sounds,” Ford murmured, “like we still have a lot to work through. But it feels like this conversation… helped.”

“Yes!” Mabel was standing in the doorway to the kitchen all of a sudden, beaming with relief. “I’m so glad you’re feeling better, Grunkle Ford! I knew hugging it out was gonna be for the best!”

“Sorry for eavesdropping,” Dipper told them as he emerged from the hallway behind Mabel. “We got worried when we heard Stan yelling, but then when we got down here… it just didn’t feel right to interrupt.”

“It’s alright, kiddo,” Stan replied, then frowned. “But you didn’t get worried when you heard me drop that mug?”

“We, uh,” Dipper started sheepishly, “we kind of assumed it was just Ford doing…”

“Fordsy-sciencey-things,” Mabel supplied. “No offense, Grunkle Ford, but you make a racket sometimes.”

That got a laugh out of Stan, which Ford really couldn’t fault him for. “I suppose that’s fair. Now, Stan, I was meaning to mention — I’m a little tired of talking about Weirdmageddon for the night and I imagine you are too, but would you be up for some memory therapy about happier times? I found some old recordings from Glass Shard Beach — there’s even some footage from a certain Jersey Devil hunt in there.”

Stan’s expression, which had started out confused, morphed into a wide smile at the words Jersey Devil hunt. “Oh, that sure rings a bell. Was… was that the summer we got grounded?”

“It sure was! I’ll take it you want to give it a watch?”

***

It was an hour later, while drifting off to sleep, that Ford realized his conscience finally felt at peace.

***

Wkhb zhuh wrr vohhsb wr qrwlfh Glsshu gudzlqj d slfwxuh ri wkhp lq wkh Mrxuqdo.

[ouraidengray4]

Do You and Your Partner Sleep in Separate Bedrooms? Maybe You Should!

There's a scene in Gilmore Girls in which Lorelai's new beau, Digger, dumps her off in the guest room on their first night together, explaining that he just can't share a bed. At first, Lorelai feels rejected, but as she stretches out in her own bed in a room decked out with a big screen TV and an extensive video library, she realizes the whole sleeping solo thing isn't so bad after all.

The plot may seem a little far-fetched to some, but the truth is, many people simply prefer sleeping in solitude, and there are any number of reasons a couple might want to sleep apart: snoring, different work schedules, or even your partner's penchant for snuggling up with an iPad after lights out. And while tired old tropes persist of beleaguered husbands pitifully dragging blankets to the couch after some marital tiff, there are many perfectly happy married couples sleeping in separate bedrooms too.

"My husband and I made it one week in the same bed," says Jennifer Adams, author of Sleeping Apart Not Falling Apart. When the two moved in together, they realized their sleep habits were different and that his snoring was keeping Adams from getting the rest she needed. However, since the subject was taboo at the time, Adams was worried she was doing something wrong. "I would have loved to share a bed, and there was definitely a sense of failure. But I just can't function on so little sleep."

EDITOR'S PICK

However, Adams quickly found she wasn't alone. According to the National Sleep Foundation, nearly one in four couples choose to sleep separately. And The Wall Street Journal reports that one in three homebuyers shopping for luxury homes are looking for dual master bedrooms.

"Since my book came out in 2013," Adams says, "the conversation about sharing a bed has really and truly changed." Here are just a few of the reasons separate sleeping is not just permissible, but honestly kinda awesome.

Sleep hygiene is real, and it's important.

Most of us have morning routines that don't vary much from day to day: We get up, take a shower, brush our teeth... all of this is considered basic hygiene, the process we follow to be healthy, happy human beings.

But most of us don't take our nighttime routines anywhere near as seriously, says Judette Louis, M.D., M.P.H. of the Women's Health Research Network on Sleep and co-author of the guide Women & Sleep.

"It's time we began thinking of sleep as a necessity, not a luxury," she says. There are a variety of reasons couples who sleep separately may have made this choice. Some simply have different (often incompatible) nighttime routines that are causing one of them to lose sleep—or one just prefers to go to bed early. "In some cases, the discordance can simply be preferring different temperatures," Louis says. "I started sleeping separately from my husband out of courtesy—I can stand getting woken up multiple times a night by work calls, but he can't."

Tossing and turning all night may not seem like a big deal, but not getting a good night's sleep can actually have long-term health effects. A recent study from the Center for Disease Control found that 35 percent of American adults were sleeping less than seven hours a night, which has been linked to health problems like diabetes and hypertension and can also exacerbate mental health issues like anxiety and depression.

So if we stop ignoring all the things that are causing us to lose sleep (pinging cell phones, snoring, a partner getting up multiple times in the night), we can start paying attention to sleep hygiene—and that means we could actually live longer, happier lives together.

Women are more prone to sleep disturbances than men.

According to Louis, women actually need an hour or two more shut-eye than men, but often get less, since in many cases, they're shouldering more of the household responsibility. On average, women do about an hour more household chores per day, and they're often stealing that hour from the time they should be sleeping. Less time for sleep means that time is precious, so disturbances throughout the night become even more serious.

"Even in households where both partners work, women take on a lot of the responsibility, which can mean less sleep and greater difficulty sleeping," Louis says.

Since writing her book, Adams has heard from hundreds of women who say that after long days working and handling household chores, their husband's snoring was keeping them from getting much-needed rest. While 40 percent of adult men snore, just 24 percent of adult women snore, so if your partner snores (or you're just a light sleeper), it's no wonder you might find yourself hoping for your own private spaces to unwind and get some much-needed rest.

Couples who can be honest about their sleep needs are happier.

Adams says she has heard from many women whose partners downplay their snoring or insist that their partners use earplugs to drown out the sound and stay in the same bed—sometimes at the expense of a restful night's sleep.

"Many women contact me because they are so frustrated that their husband won't own the snoring, and it also tends to be men who are more reluctant to sleep separately because of what it says about the relationship. It always leaves me surprised that one person is prepared to risk the health of another person for a social convention," Adams says.

According to Shadeen Francis, MFT, a marriage and family therapist specializing in sex therapy and social justice, the separate sleeping conversation is difficult because for many people—especially men—a partner asking for privacy can seem like rejection. "We don't equip men to deal with feelings of rejection or insecurity," Francis says.

But this struggle to remain in the same bed could actually be hurting the relationship more than it's helping. A recent study from The Ohio State University Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research found that couples who fought after not getting enough sleep had higher levels of stress-related inflammation, which can lead to a heightened risk for diseases like Alzheimer's, diabetes, and arthritis.

Yet Francis says that sacrificing sleep for the sake of staying in the same bed remains a source of conflict.

"One of the first things I ask couples in conflict is, 'How much sleep are you getting?'" Francis says. Of course, that doesn't mean that one partner should suddenly pack up their pajamas and move out of the bedroom with no discussion. Instead of treating separate sleeping like an absolute, Francis suggests approaching it as a negotiation.

EDITOR'S PICK

"Relationship decisions should be mutual," Francis says. If one partner is having difficulty sleeping, partners should work together to find out what would make the most sense for wellness. Maybe it looks like permanent separate sleeping, or maybe it's three nights on and four nights off."

But it's still important to monitor sleep health.

Louis does warn against using sleeping separately as a means of ignoring bigger sleep issues. In the U.S., 40 million people suffer from chronic long-term sleep disorders, and some, like sleep apnea, are pretty serious. So even if sleeping separately works for a couple, they should still monitor their partner for signs of sleep disorders.

"Any time lack of sleep is disrupting your life—making it difficult to work or function in day-to-day life—or even if your partner simply notices that you're more irritable, it's worth figuring out the problem and what can be done," Louis says.

Emily Alford lives in Brooklyn, NY, and writes about beauty, food, and TV. Sometimes all at once. Follow her on Twitter @AlfordAlice.

from Greatist RSS http://ift.tt/2DPSpvU Do You and Your Partner Sleep in Separate Bedrooms? Maybe You Should! Greatist RSS from HEALTH BUZZ http://ift.tt/2pw2oCj

[thiefakefia]

50-100

Ask Ask Ask ;) (x)

50 - Do you regret your past?

Already answered, I’ll copy-paste; Wait, didn’t I already answer this in a way? I have regretted putting myself into some of the situations I have in the past, but there’s no point holding on to that, because it happened. Now I just have to pick up the pieces

51 - Can you do something stupid for someone else?

I can do something stupid for anyone. Sometimes I don’t even need prompting.

52 - Have you ever cried over someone?

Way too many people! 

53 - Do you have a grudge against anyone?

Again, way too many people! I need to cut that shit down. 

54 - Are you a crybaby?

When I’m ill like now, yah. All the time. Look at me the wrong way and I cry. I don’t cry when physically injured though. When I’m well, people think it’s weird cos I just don’t cry at anything.

55 - Do people praise you for your looks?

Strangers frequently stop me to tell me I have a beautiful smile. Happened just yesterday in the supermarket. Happens a lot at work too. I often get told I’m beautiful too. 

56 - Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t?

It’s happened a few times, yah. There was an unfortunate crush on a gym instructor at my gym. Was v.distracting every time I tried to work out if he was in there. 

57 - Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret?

I’ve done a million and one bad things that I’ve let go of because the pain serves nobody and people have forgiven my transgressions. 

58 - Do you like getting hurt?

A part of my subconscious does, or it must. That’s the only explanation for that shit. And another part is of the sane, safe and consensual masochism inclination. 

59 - Does anyone hate you?

I think there’s probably a group somewhere dedicated to it. 

60 - Did you slap anyone whose name starts with an “R”?

Surprisingly, no! 

61 - What hair color do you prefer?

On myself? Anything but my natural hair colour - blue, blonde, red, I’ll take anything. On other people, I’m weird. I like men with blonde hair, but I like women with brunette hair. 

62 - If you can change anything about yourself, what is it?

Plz take the mental illness and move to the recycle bin. 

63 - Do you love someone as of the moment?

I love lots of people. Sometimes I have so much love to give I feel I shall overflow with it all. 

64 - Have you ever thought of killing yourself?

Is this a trick question? A lot. Often. Gave it a good go once. 

65 - Do you have issues with somebody in your school?

I’m lucky enough to have been out of school for a good few years. I have a few friends remaining from school and frequently have difficulties with one, but otherwise nope!

66 - Can you live without internet?

Not for more than a few days. I start to go a bit peculiar. 

67 - What’s the song that remind you of your special someone?

Aw shit, gotta be Babycakes by 3 of a Kind. Gets me every time. 

68 - Are you good at holding back your tears?

Sometimes. But once the dam has collapsed, it’s all downhill from there. 

69 - Are you a crybaby?

Uh… see #54

70 - Have you ever experienced being hysterical?

What yes. I am well up there on the hysterical scale. If I lived 50 years ago, they’d have put me in a mental hospital with the label ‘suffering from hysteria’.

71 - Are you a KPOP fan?

WELL. I enjoy KPOP but I rarely go looking for it. 

72 - Do you study hard?

Go hard or go home. When I moved to my second high school, I did nothing but study and had no time for other people. When I moved to college, I got sick and it all went to shit. I generally study hard for my degree atm, but I get sick and it kinda knows me back for a couple weeks but I try real hard ^^

73 - Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love?

I try not to. I don’t think people should have to give up stuff important to them for relationships. Unless it’s like… ‘Oh you want me to give up sleeping around? Okay’ I mean that’s a big deal for me anyway. Hobbies, animals, things that are central to my personality…. no. I’ve been asked to many times, had it demanded of me, been slapped for not doing so BUT I try not to budge on important stuff.

74 - Did you ever had a kiss under the moonlight?

Lots. I was one of those 13-14 year olds who snuck out the house to kiss boys at night. Usually in the rain. All the romance!

75 - Have you ever ridden a boat?

I’ve been on a boat a couple times. Do not like. Me & water = not friends.

76 - Did you have an accident last year?

YES. The great bike crash of Feb 2016. Fountain of blood. 6 hours of surgery. What a mess.

77 - What kind of person are you?

A rrly shit, useless one tbh. 

78 - Have you ever thought of killing someone?

Yeah, and I had all these plans too. But then I got kinda like ‘Kay so I might not go to prison, but I may be stuck on a secure unit for a couple decades, and is he worth that?’ In the end, he was not.

79 - Have you ever been jealous?

Wha, me? Nooooo. I never used to be, I never used to care at all. My partner could be across the room flirting with some chick and I just used to be like ‘eh’. But then I got cheated on like 50 times, and it messed me up a lil so now I’m p.bad.

80 - How can you prove your love to someone?

I suck at this so badly. I am shit at words, but I think (hope) it shines through with my actions when I’m well enough. I’m really like ‘Gosh this reminded me of you so I got it for you’ and ‘I baked you your favourite thing’ and ‘I stitched you this’. I’m very much ‘I was thinking of you and this is a token of my love’. I suck at affection though so I get in trouble. 

81 - What are you thinking right now?

That I should probably make dinner seeing as it’s almost 9pm and I haven’t eaten yet today ^^;

82 - Who is the 6th person in your contacts?

Becky, a volunteer at the charity shop I used to manage. She’s a young girl, really nice, and comes to me for advice a lot :3

83 - Do you have any memories you want to erase?

All of ‘em, take my entire childhood away plz. 

84 - Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel?

Only like a bajillion times. Mainly because I can’t label my feelings.

85 - Did you ever badmouth someone?

It’s actually one of my hobbies. 

86 - Have you ever had an argument with someone?

How can anybody ever say no to this? Like, 3 year olds have arguments. All. The. Time. I try to avoid arguments but I seem to cause a lot of ‘em.

87 - Do you have trust issues?

A whole pile of them. I should really sort them into alphabetical order.. 

88 - Are you broken-hearted?

I don’t really know. It’s hard to know, I don’t have a reference guide to what that feels like ^^;

89 - Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”?

It’s actually not a person. I think of the only being that I know with 100% certainty loves me, and that is my dog.

90 - Do you think all the pain is worth it?

It depends! I believe exercise pain is always worth it. Most my friendships and relationships include at least a little bit of pain, and usually it’s worth it to me. And I assume for them, otherwise they wouldn’t be my friends anymore!

91 - Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”?

I doooooo. Cos how could it have been meant to be if it isn’t existing? I could sit here and whine that lots of things were ‘meant to be’ but clearly they weren’t if it isn’t happening. Maybe I’m being too literal here but eh.

92 - Who do you want to marry?

I mean… marriage is not for me. It’s just not the right choice for me at all. Too many things could go wrong and I don’t like the idea of finances getting tangled up. I watched my parents separate and it’s been ten years and they’re still not divorced because of the mess it would create and because it costs a lot of money. The wedding costs a lot of money, the divorce costs a lot of money. I’d prefer both a hot-as-fuck holiday instead of a wedding, and then a hot-as-fuck holiday at the end of the relationship. 

93 - Do you believe in destiny?

I really do not know! I don’t think about it

94 - Have you ever thought “I already found my soulmate”?

Yes, and maybe I did. But it isn’t meant to be. How weird is that? 

95 - How do you look right now?

Like I haven’t showered or changed out of these pyjamas for waaaayyyy too many days. And also like I don’t care about it.

96 - Do you believe that first true love never dies?

For some people, this is true. For me, my first love is still very special to me, even if I don’t want to be back into that relationship. I find it really odd that other people are like ‘I hate my first true love. I never want to see them again!’ but then, my first true love was first and foremost my best friend, so we had that bond before the relationship. 

97 - Have you found your true love?

Does anyone ever truly know? I don’t like to say, it only hurts more later when it blows up in my face.

98 - What should you be doing right now?

Replies, asks, making dinner, pretty much anything but this :3 

99 - Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends.

Uh, weird question but okay… James Collins.

100 - Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough?

Permanent state of being tho. 

[kafkaeskin]

Ahhrgh I never meant to be gone for this long!! I ‘ve missed this </3 It’s just, it’s just, I’ve been to Mongolia for a month and then I started an internship (a pretty sucky internship btw) and then came Inktober which I only posted on my insta...aand well I’ve recently gotten to the point where I consider 4 hours of sleep a luxury sooo there is that. Anyways, I finally managed to finish this! You can see that this was started pretty much right after the tranz video came out pffft. I’m feeling out of shape but it’s still soo nice to finally work on a tablet again <33