#kinda weird writing also didnt edit at all soooo enjoy lol

[koeyohte]

Credence pt 5

The following week passes like most of the others.  Castor is quiet and keeps more to himself than I’d hoped he would.  He still comes to stand next to me rather than across while we wait in the hallway, but he lets me do the talking.  I ask him how he’s been and he just nods and says he’s fine.  After class, he holds the door open for me, but he doesn’t speak and he doesn’t linger or walk me outside. He just waves and turns, disappearing down the hallway on his own while I’m left standing there, trying to figure out what I’ve done.

Today was different.

He never showed up while I waited in the hall and even when the professor unlocked the door to let us in, he wasn’t there. I kept glancing back at the door from my seat in concern. One of the boys sitting behind me kept watching me and I had to pretend not to notice so I wouldn’t cast him an angry glare. Only when the professor began to take attendance did Castor come rushing in, apologizing to her in a breathy voice and hastily brushing his damp nags from his eyes as if he had just run there, before dropping quickly into a seat away from me. I feel a pang of upset by his behavior. As class continues on and he never looks at or speaks to me once, I decide to ignore him altogether.

When we’re excused, I let him follow me down the hall toward the atrium as I’m texting Sun. Castor’s been so distant, I can only imagine I’ve done something to make him uncomfortable and despite the powerful impulse to question him about it, I force myself not to, and head outside.

He follows me. Even while pretending to ignore him, I’ve noticed he’s a lot calmer than he has been in past weeks.  The nervous fidgeting is completely absent and he doesn’t seem on edge. His stride is smoother, less twitchy. I wonder if he’s received some good news or developed a better plan for his brothers.

He waits silently next to me while I’m texting my mom a last minute grocery list.  It takes me a few minutes and even when I’m done, he’s still there, gazing out across the driveway.  It’s a bit weird that he’s followed me out here without a word, but I don’t dislike his presence, no matter how frustrated I am with him.

“Hey,” I say when I realize he isn’t going anywhere. “How are you?”

He blinks down at me.  “I’m good.”

That’s better than I expected.

“That’s good. You waiting for someone?”

He pauses, then shakes his head.  I tilt mine quizzically up at him.  Was he just following me to spend time with me? It would seem contrary to how he was feeling just a few minutes ago.

“I drove today,” I tell him.  He masks it very well, but I see the way his shoulders slump a bit and his features fall just a fraction.  “I have to go to the store for groceries.”

He nods once and looks away, adjusting the strap of his pack.  Maybe it’s just me projecting, but he looks a little dejected, so I decide to try something I’ve never done.

“Do you need anything? You can come if you want. I can drive us.”

He looks quickly back at me and stares.

“That is, if you trust me,” I add, pulling my keys from my bag with an easily procured, teasing grin.  I’m pleased when he smirks and turns fully to face me.

“I do.”

I wasn’t expecting that.  I lead the way across the parking lot, scanning the shining roofs for where I parked.  I look for his car, too, but I don’t see it.

I unlock my side and then reach in to press the button for his door.  He waits patiently, like he expected me to have to let him in.  He sits down softly, making me self conscious about the way I practically throw myself into the car.  I set my bag in the back and I have to turn my body around so that I can reach.  I’m careful not to touch him when I turn around again to slide down in my seat.  I bump his shoulder anyway with my elbow and he doesn’t even flinch.  I pretend to not notice that he’s still looking at me, as I start the car.  I have to give it a little gas to make sure it actually stays running before I put it in reverse.

The grocery store is very close, so the drive is fairly short.  I’m a bit disappointed with how fast we get there.  Castor sits silently with his hands clasped neatly in his lap.  He doesn’t look uncomfortable but he does look tense.  I feel a strong urge to reach over and take his hands but, of course, I don’t.

We park a row back and I wait for him to close his door so I can lock the car.  I have my wallet and keys in hand and I notice as we’re walking that he’s tucked his own into his pockets.  I move closer to him as we cross the parking lot. I bump into his elbow a few times.

I find a cart and bring up the list on my phone.  I hope Castor doesn’t think too weirdly of me for what I’m buying.  I can see him peering over my shoulder at the list and when I look up at him, he apologizes and moves away.

“You want to read it off to me?” I ask, pressing the phone into his crossed arms.  He looks shocked that I would suggest it.

“Y… you sure?”

“You going to steal my identity while we’re in here?”

“...I might.”

“Well, you better hurry up, then. I’m fast at these grocery runs.”

The sideways smirk that flashes across Castor’s face makes my heart leap into my throat.  He runs a hand through his bangs as he begins to read down the list.

“I see olives, parchment paper, sugar, tomato sauce, paprika… what kind of cake are you making?”

I laugh, trying to imagine making anything decent out of just those few ingredients.  “You should come over sometime and find out.” I say it as a joke but as the words leave my mouth, I realize I mean them.  Castor doesn’t respond, but buries himself further into my list.

We get the first several things and make our way to the back of the store.  I’ve composed the list in order of the aisles, so I know we only have a few things left to get.  It’s cold in the back of the store, so while I’m looking for the brand of heavy cream we usually buy, I wrap my arms around myself.  I forgot I was coming here today when I dressed earlier.  I’m only wearing a romper.

“You cold?” Castor asks from behind me.

“A bit.”

He moves a little closer but doesn’t touch me.  I appreciate his gallantry and I hope the look I give him expresses it.

“Which one do you want?” he asks, moving closer.  I can feel his body heat at my back and his crossed arms brush my shoulder.  “I’ll get it for you.”

“I got it,” I assure him, breaking from guiltily imagining being in his arms.  He’s kind but I don’t want him thinking I’m taking advantage of him.  I move to open the door but he slips in between, pretends to swat at me and opens it for me.

“I insist,” he says, holding a hand out to stop me.  “C’mon, just tell me which one it is.  What do you use this stuff for, anyway?”

“I use it to make fluffy frosting.  Or pie toppings.  Oooh, it’s also really good in hot chocolate - it makes it soft and frothy.”  I lean in to check the price on two different sizes.  I go to point to the smaller one and Castor grabs it before I can even try to.

I straighten up and move forward to take it from him but he shuts the door and moves toward me at the same time.  I’m not entirely sure what happened, but I blinked and Castor’s face is inches from mine, the carton scrapes just below my neck, causing me to flinch, his hand jabs into my chest and his body is suddenly pressed against my own.

Terrified of scaring him, I back away, spluttering an apology and taking the carton from his hand.  He does something similar, waving his hands and muttering while looking anywhere else but at me.  I can see his hand that hit my chest curling into a tight fist, turning his knuckles white.

We make our way back up to the front of the store without speaking.  I don’t feel particularly flustered or even shy about what happened.  I can feel burning from a small cut on my neck where the carton scraped it but it’s trifling. Castor seems significantly more disturbed than I am.  He remains quiet, glancing worriedly at the cut, all the way until we’re back outside and loading bags into the back of my car.

He offers to take the cart back and I let him, knowing getting some space is probably what he wants.  I wait in my car for him and he slips into his seat as gently as he did the first time.  I’m in the middle of texting Sun when he clears his throat and clasps his hands together in his lap.

“I’m sorry I hit you.”

I look up from my phone, bewildered by his choice of words.

“You didn’t hit me.”  I’m confused by the way he then looks at me.  It was a simple accident, and no harm came from it.  Why is he so upset?

His expression darkens rather than relaxes.  “I still hurt you. I didn’t mean to.”

“You didn’t.  And even if you did, it was an accident.”  I lower my phone into my lap.  He still doesn’t look convinced.

“I didn’t mean to touch you, then,” he says quietly.  His eyes still haven’t left mine.  “I would never… not without asking… not like that.”

It’s my turn to look at him with a frown.  “You didn’t do anything wrong.  I’m okay, I promise.” I touch the skin at my neck where it burns. “See? No big deal.”

He just blinks, but I can see how harshly he’s rubbing his wrist in his lap, turning the skin white. “You’re bleeding.”

“It doesn’t hurt,” I add as gently as I can. “You’re okay.”

At this, he seems to experience a flood of some emotion that I don’t know the name of.  His lips grow taut and his brows are set straight but he continues to stare.  As I watch him, I realize he looks strangely close to tears.  His face is flushing and I can see him swallow several times, attempting to maintain control.

I wish more than ever that I could reach over and take his hands in mine, to offer some small comfort.  I wonder if he ever allows himself to cry when he needs to and it makes my body ache to imagine the way he’s always having to tread carefully for fear of his own safety.

“I’m not upset,” I continue, refraining from reaching out to him. I decide to try something else. “I’m okay.  I like having you with me. I’m glad you came.”

Castor finally looks away and studies something out across the parking lot.  He’s still twisting the skin around his wrist in his hand and his jaw is tight.  He’s quiet for a long several minutes and I sit silently with him in the car.  I don’t know what he needs and I’m afraid that he won’t tell me if I ask.

“You’re okay?” he asks after what feels like an age. His voice is low and hoarse. He meets my eyes hesitantly as I nod. Despite my small smile, he still looks troubled and keeps glancing at the cut on my neck.  “You sure?”

“I’m okay. I’m glad you came with me.”  I try to smile at him again. He’s looking but doesn’t return it. “Do you need to go back to campus?”

He nods.

We’re silent on the drive back. I make a few offhand comments about some birds we see, but he doesn’t engage in the conversation.  When we get back, he almost bolts to unlock the door.

“Castor,” I call after him when he gets out. He bends to look at me. “Are you okay?”

He doesn’t answer, which surprises me. Hand on the car door, ready to shut it, he looks down at the seat for a moment, then back up. “I’m fine.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

He shakes his head. “I have to go. Thanks for the ride.”

I nod and let him leave.  I wait in my car until he’s lost in the sea of vehicles in front of me.

I’m baffled on my drive home. I don’t understand it - I wasn’t angry with him and I told him several times that I wanted him there. What could I have done to give him the impression that I was angry? What else could I do?

When I get home, I text Sun about it. I’ve told her a little about him, but she doesn’t know how I feel about him. She just knows he’s a new friend. I make sure to keep the message brief and only mention the important parts - that he bumped into me and became strangely self deprecating.

Sun gets back to me a few minutes later, asking if I know anything about his background. I’m both frustrated and impressed with her. I haven’t mentioned anything about the abusive home life he’s subjected to every day. I decide to tell her that, yes, he does come from a difficult space, but I don’t give any details.  His business isn’t mine to share, but I want to know where I went wrong.

By the end of the evening and texting back and forth, Sun thinks it’s Castor’s fear of lashing out at someone because of his background that’s making him nervous to attach to me.  In turn, he also probably fears harming those he’s close to and so even the smallest thing, like what happened at the store, triggered a greater panic response than I would have expected. He had no choice but to go back to campus with me in my car, so he likely held himself together better than if he had been alone or somewhere more familiar.

The weight of imagining what he must feel is crushing.  I feel overwhelmed by grief and worry over him. I pick up my phone and begin to text him several times, but I always delete it and set the phone back down. I get ready for bed, change into my nightshirt and crawl under the covers. I plug my phone in and decide to try writing something one more time. I send Sun a good night text and then start typing something to Castor.

Hey, I hope you’re doing ok. I really liked having your company today and I hope we can do it again soon.

I hit send before I can chicken out again and lay there in a panic, worrying that I overstepped another boundary again.  I guess it doesn’t really matter - he can ignore me and I’ll understand that he needs to be left alone.

I’m still waiting for sleep when my phone’s screen lights up. I really don’t want to check it in case it’s something I don’t want to see, but I also can’t stop myself from reaching out to grab it. My heart’s racing when I turn the screen toward me and it leaps into my throat when I see it’s from him.

Hey Matilda. Thanks for messaging. I had a nice time with you today. I have a lot going on and I don't know how to explain it all. I’m not used to having someone I can trust but I’m trying. I’m sorry about my behavior. It’s nothing you’ve done. You’ve been very kind and patient with me. I'm not used to that but it's no excuse. I hope you can forgive me and give me another chance.

I feel both sad and relieved. So, Sun was right. I don’t know what to reply back with, but I try to keep it short and amicable.

I’d love to give you another chance whenever you’re ready (:

It sounds a little more definitive than I think it really should be, but perhaps in my sleepy head fog, I don’t mind taking the extra leap tonight. I hit send and lay back down, feeling much more relaxed. I don’t hear any response as I drift away to sleep.

[wickymicky]

2020 Comeback Ranking: End of February Edition

this is an update to my ranking of 2020 comebacks, i’m keeping a running list lol. i updated it a couple times this month, but as comeback schedules return to a normal pace (possibly) i’ll probably just update this once or twice a month. maybe on the 15th and the 30th of every month or something. unless i just stop doing it after this update altogether lol, who knows. this is not a ranking of every comeback so far in 2020, just the ones i’ve heard and decided that i like. if it’s on the list at all, even if it’s near the bottom, that means i like the song a lot. 

this is just a list of title tracks, since i dont listen to every group’s bsides, and idk things like music video and concept are factors for me a lot of the time. i’m not sure how many songs i want to limit the list to once there get to be too many to list... and honestly i’ll probably leave some off of this one if it gets too long. take everything with a grain of salt... my opinions aren’t set in stone. if you go to my “2020 comebacks” tag, you’ll see previous lists and laugh at how different they all are. my next one will probably have a bunch of these songs in different orders again, as well as having new songs added in of course, just because my opinions change. okay here goes

Dreamcatcher - Scream: still at number 1 lol. i dont have all that much to say about it that hasnt already been said. you all already know

Weki Meki - Dazzle Dazzle: it might fall in subsequent updates, but as of right now it’s the one i’ve been listening to the second most, and i really like it. i’m not sure it’s really second-best-of-the-year material, though. but that’s where it’s at for the time being. it sounds like a weki meki song, which i’m soooo happy about, lol

GFriend - Crossroads: wow Crossroads really grew on me, lol. this song got better every time i heard it and now like.. idk, i really really like it. i’ve been enjoying watching stages for it too, i think it, Dr Bebe, and Fiesta have the best choreos of the currently-promoting songs. well, i think Crossroads is done promoting, but that’s pretty recent lol. sometimes i get emotional when i listen to this song real loud and let it take me away haha.... sigh....

Pentagon - Dr Bebe: it fell a little bit, partially cause two songs passed it, but also just i havent been listening to it that much lately. i like it, and sometimes when i listen to it, it really hits me... but it’s not the kind of song that i’m always in the mood for. you know? it’s not an any-day-any-time type of song lol. i think the velvet-ness of it is cool but i’m starting to get a bit tired of it unfortunately :( i’ll see how things shake out. for now it’s still number 4.

Cignature - Nun Nu Nan Na: i like this song a lot, it’s good, it feels like a breath of fresh air.

Izone - Fiesta: this one has also really grown on me. Fiesta slaps lol. i love the choreo, i love the surreal visuals in the video, i think the song is a bop too. hell yeah. if this had indeed come out last year then i’m not sure where it would have landed, but i think i like it more than Violeta. if it’s holding it’s own against the comebacks so far this year then maybe it would have done pretty well last year too haha

Loona - So What: idk this feels about right. i think a lot of orbits are a little tired of the song at this point. even those of us who liked it... you know... the novelty’s worn off, the line distribution and screen time is still irritating, the choreo’s not quite as fun to watch as we had hoped, and they’re just about wrapping up the promotions. still, i think this is a song we’ll revisit through the year, and once it sounds fresh to me again it might rise on the list, so i kinda expect it to hover around the 6-8 spot on my list even as more good comebacks keep coming out. it’s certainly an interesting song lol. 

Cherry Bullet - Hands Up: fairly simple lol this is just a weird bop

Ateez - Answer: i really dont know where to put Answer haha. just like Dr Bebe, this isnt the kind of song i wanna listen to 24/7. it has to be the right mood. so sometimes i feel like “ugh i dont feel like listening to Answer at all, i need something with more energy... im so tired of this song...” but then sometimes it really hits the spot and i go “you know what? this is still one of the better tracks of the year. this is powerful stuff” haha. again, it just has to be the right mood. so idk, i’ll put it here.

Everglow - Dun Dun: speaking of songs i’m tired of.....

Red Velvet - Psycho (i’m counting this as 2020): shrug. i like Psycho, but yeah, same thing as Dr Bebe and Answer. i like songs i can listen to on repeat at any time in the day, i like songs that pump me up and make me feel energetic. still, credit where credit is due i mean, this song’s real good lol. i know that’s not saying anything you didnt already know haha, but still

Elris - Jackpot: aaa! i love really straightforwardly weird girl group songs! that’s why Cignature is so high, and that’s why this song is on my list! i dont think it’s amazing, but i like it! it’s quirky and i like that! is it gonna even be on this list on my next update? honestly who knows, lol. maybe not. for right now though i think it’s cute

Moonbyul - Eclipse: this was super high on my last list lmao. it’s alright. my non-kpop-stan bf likes this one a lot and so i was listening to it a lot cause of them, but i think it’s not really where my head’s at right now. 

Rocket Punch - Bouncy: at first i thought this song was annoying and then i thought it was kinda cool cause it’s indicative of the trend towards teen crush concepts becoming the majority and then now i think it’s a bit annoying again. the embarrassing lyrics are hard to overlook lol. it’s not bad though.

Siyeon - Paradise: same as the other more emotional songs that i listed lol (other than Crossroads, which is emotional but also has a kind of fast drive to it that i like). it’s cool but i don’t listen to it that often cause i’m not always in this mood. i love siyeon though, i really do

3YE - Queen: lmao this almost definitely won’t be on the list next time. i think it’s cool but it’s nothing to write home about. i’ve been listening to it enough that i felt like i had to include it though. there are some really sick-sounding ideas in this song, but... it’s not like it’s oozing with personality, lol. it sounds like what you expect a girl crush song to sound like in 2020. cause it is one. lol. money flex all day.