#kinda made myself sad going through all my abandoned wips and pieces that just...

[pandamothium]

Ame’s 2019 Art It’s been a rough one lads... I hit a lot of walls and most months had only a few “finished” pieces to pick from... I showed off a few extra from November since I hit a lil art boom then and actually drew things.. so here’s to hoping this year comes with improvement and consistency Ammai RIGhT.!? Backgrounds never heard of em

[zet-sway]

@the-wip-project day 35:

I don't know what today's question is but I gotta write a wall of text about what happened last night because holy shit

I was on the verge of falling asleep and, like I usually do, I decided to hunt for some spicy fanfics to read on my phone. I found one.

All my posts are long but this one is real fucking long. CW for touching on dub-con and injury mentioned in the type of context it probably shouldn't be.

It's time for me to admit that not only am I a oneshot writer, I'm also a oneshot reader. I am drawn to short fanfics. If I click on a chaptered fic, it's (usually) because it's rated E for smut and I'll go in with every intention of skimming it for the spicy bits. I'm not proud of this. I've avoided saying this for years because I don't want to disappoint people who work hard on their very long and well thought out chaptered stories. I have a short attention span, and I know what I want.

But anyway, last night I clicked on a fic with 5 chapters and some amount of words, around 30k? Long, by my standards, but I was tired and I just wanted something to read while I dozed off.

This particular fic hooked me in, though. I still skimmed it, but the writing was so unique in a way that made me writhe with writer's envy and admiration. Whoever wrote this had their own language - nothing borrowed - their own vision.

I guess I should tell the good people who read my posts (ya'll, seriously, thank you) that the fic in topic is called Fault Lines by Recidiva on AO3. I would link to it but uhhhh I may be using my work PC for "extracurricular purposes" right this moment ^^; so maybe when I get home I'll remember to add it.

I skimmed it - like I said above - for the spicy parts. It generally follows the plot of Bioware's canon. Thane begins as possessive and manipulative, likely uncomfortably close to dub-con for a lot of people. He kisses her and knows full well that his kiss will make her willing but intoxicated, and how he will use that to fulfil himself. But as the story progresses, he falls in love. Their relationship is what I'll call "edgy." Both of them are renegades. There's a scene where they get down in the shuttle after a fight and they're both still injured and it borders on downright unrealistic but fuck it, it's fanfic and I bought it. However their relationship develops a certain heart-wrenching tenderness. She asks him what Siha means over and over again, and eventually tells him she thinks "bitch" when he says it. But in that moment they have a playful banter, he knows full well she's probably already looked it up on the extranet, and they fall into bed together. The smut is mind-boggling.

By the time it gets to Shepard's arrest, he's taken up a place on Earth and visits her, breaks into her house arrest. There's a scene where they see each other for the first time in a while, she tells him how much she's missed his mouth and how it's not right how bad she wants him, and wants him bad enough to smother him with affection. She says something to the effect of "if you're looking to die, I'd volunteer to be the cause," implying that her lust is powerful enough to endanger his life. And it was at this moment I realized I fucked up.

It's established that I live in my own headcanon and I'm not burdened with considering the end of Thane's life as part of my fics. And the suspension of disbelief was such that I forgot he doesn't make it. So at this moment in the fic, chapter 4 out of 5, I realized "Oh shit this isn't going to have a happy ending." I skipped to the end right away, I wanted to confirm my fears.

In their final exchange, she asks him to lie to her - something that's repeated in other chapters of the story. I forget what he says, I was reading desperately, but he asks her in return to tell him something true. She kisses him and tells him she loves him, and he breathes his last breath with the lingering tingle of their kiss to carry him to the other side.

I was so entrenched in the depth of their relationship up to that point. The level of fathomless love the author conveyed, unlike anything I've ever managed to write before, but more realistic to my own understanding of love as I've experienced it. Not because they're renegades, but just the selflessness with which they feel, communicate, banter, and make love.

When I read that last paragraph, something inside me broke. That sounds dramatic but that's honestly how I would describe it. It felt like waking up from a night terror, when you bolt up in bed from a dream so bad you immediately get up even if it's 4am because nothing feels real and you're so terrified you have to get up and do something - literally anything to take your mind off it, to ease you back into reality. I put my phone down and stared into the darkness of my bedroom and told myself "it's just a fanfic, no need to get upset." And then I started to cry and I didn't stop for 30 minutes.

My husband was downstairs watching Bohemian Rhapsody and I went down there and wrapped myself around him so tight and cried. Bless this man, from the bottom of my heart - bless him - for his unfathomable kindness. I felt like a fucking fool because I was crying over fanfiction but he paused his movie and just listened while I tried to articulate how it wasn't exactly about the character death, or the characters at all, it was just the writing and how it wormed into my brain so convincingly. I felt the loss like it was my own loss. I am terrified of losing my husband. So many feelings coalesced and I realized one day I may be in that situation, kissing the man I love goodbye for the last time, never to hold him again. I'm at work right now and I'm tearing up because it's so hard.

I tip my hat to the author, but I genuinely wished I hadn't read that fanfic. And isn't it kind of funny after that grandstand I took yesterday about not wanting to write the pain of loss and grief, that I ended up reading it instead and probably fucking myself up just as badly, if not worse, than if I had tried to write it myself?

It gets worse, too. Because it got me thinking about my own writing, and how I could never hope to achieve what that author did. So I sat there crying out my painfeelings while simultaneously feeling like a shit writer and like nothing I put out matters. I got up from the couch, sat down at my PC and picked up where I left off in the Omega DLC in ME3 because video games are great for taking the mind off things. It didn't exactly help with the intensity I'd hoped for, but I managed to fall asleep, by 3am.

Fast forward to this morning. I dragged my sorry ass out of bed 4 hours later and drove to work. By some fucking miracle, no one is here right now except our field director. And I'm stewing in how this one fic really fucked me up bad, reconsidering everything. I feel like I've been put in my place.

So what changed?

Yesterday I posted about how I'm struggling to write a plotline. I know what happens, but I'm not interested in the little bits that tie it together. I want to write the romance. I think there's a way to write the plot and the romance at the same time, but it's damn hard.

I started doing this because I wanted to grow my skills as a writer, and I knew it might be more than I could chew. I'm at that moment now where I'm about ready to give up.

Even if I felt like a shit writer last night (and still kinda do this morning), I know that the stuff I've put out has value. We can't all write these epically tragic smut-romance-renegades-to-lovers tales, we'd all be sad all the damn time. There's a time and a place and - I would argue - even a need for lighterhearted fic out there. There are really no rules. I'm confident in what I know how to do.

But the plot. Fuck it, man. I think maybe I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not. I'm trying really hard to write like other people. I may have mentioned before that I saw a post about how many artists spend their time pining for the skills of others, thinking "wow, when I can draw like that, I'll have made it as an artist." That same post cautioned against this, basically saying you already have your own unique style, it's just harder to see through the lens of your own eyeballs. It's fine to challenge yourself but try to acknowledge what you do that sets you apart already. I feel like I have that something - maybe not to the extent that I wish, but I have something.

So what's the point of the plot? Why do I need to tell my readers how I cured Keprals? I'm asking myself important questions here. I like to think I've come up with ideas that no one else has, but as I said above, I don't read a lot of chaptered fics. I very well may have come to the same ideas as other writers and I'm not even aware of it. I don't know if my ideas are unique but I still arrived at them all by myself.

The challenge here - the thing I'm struggling so much with - is how to put them together with the same elegance of my fellow writers. I'm looking at you, shrios fam (yeah I'm calling you that, yall know who you are). I know I can write words, but it's like I have a bunch of pieces from completely different jigsaw puzzles and I'm struggling to make a new picture out of them. I struggle with the transitions between them.

The point here is I have to find my own way. And I have to stop taking myself so seriously. In fact this level of "seriousness" is one of the things that got me into so much angst over World of Warcraft over the last two years. At least I know how to recognize it.

I have to find my own way. I have my own things that are worth sharing. The author I read last night had a language all their own, and I have a language all my own too. Their wordplay was actually more choppy than I would ever write. I've talked before about how I'm scared of starting too many sentences with pronouns, how I maybe write too many run-on sentences, whatever. This author did that with reckless abandon. It worked for them. So if they can make that shit work, I can make my own shit work.

I have to find my own way.

My most current WIP is Thane and Shepard's first time. I've been working on it pretty nonchalantly because I hadn't intended to publish it until I built up to it. It takes place further into my timeline, and it would probably ruin the point of a slow burn if I put it out there now. There are some really memorably moments in this WIP, and there are other moments that need to be smoothed over as well. I never knew what I'd really imagined for their first time but I think I've mostly developed something that's unique in its own right, and I think will be fun for people to read.

I'm just so fucking torn over what to do with it. I feel guilty for working on it. I should be writing "other shit" leading up to it but I don't fucking want to. I actually wrote probably 2-3k words this weekend, which is a pretty staggering amount by my standards. Some of it was for this smutty WIP and some was for something I just threw together, Thane observing Shepard on Horizon and the emotional toll it takes on her. He's seeing her humanity. I don't know if it's worth it to continue but I wrote a lot of it and the words are more precise than usual for a draft, I don't know. I have so much fucking insecurity. Fuck dude. I want to write this longfic, but I don't want to write it. I want to skim to the spicy bits like I always do.

I am wracked with insecurity, of my own making. I know what I can do but I feel compelled to see this idea through. Somehow I have to find my own way.

TLDR I feel like if I don't publish something soon I'm going to burst and I don't even know what the fuck to work on first and fjslfjsojoiejrj

I would be really down for, like, a bunch of hugs and a bowl of ice cream shared over memes and fanservice.

[creideamhgradochas]

Thanks to the lovely @sarahwroteathing for taking the time to answer these! Get to know more about lovely Sarah, go give her a follow and then show her some love!

These questions are from this list. You should check it out, there’s 50 questions all together and they’d be great to ask your favorite fic writer!

1) How old were you when you first starting writing fan-fiction?

18

2) Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.

Umm well I write my pairings with reader inserts because I know it tends to make people the happiest. Plus I just think it's a cute practice - giving people a chance to live an adventure or a romance with their favorite characters. It's sweet. But I do enjoy writing my OCs as side characters because I can be specific about who they are and what they look like. It's also just useful as a sounding board for how people respond to my characters which helps me with my original fiction pieces.

3) What is your favorite genre to write for?

Mmm I don't know that I have one! I really like to experiment and play with genre and tropes. I think it's fun!

4) If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

Honestly I'd probably be fine doing that with most of them. "Shift" is definitely one because I don't feel confident that we had enough material for Pietro to allow me to write him well which bothers me. But it was a request. Umm "Burden of Proof" maybe just because I don't think it's very good at all - it was just a quick silly thing - and I'm bitter about it somehow having the highest number of notes of any of my stories. It frustrates me greatly.

5) When is your preferred time to write?

Laaaaate at night. That's when my best stuff comes to me. The notes section of my phone is full of parts and pieces of stories from when I wake up in the middle of the night and have a huge wave of inspiration.

6) Where do you take your inspiration from?

Honestly my writer brain is always working. A lot of the time it's weird connections to my life that trigger something. A "what if this had happened instead" or a "I wonder what would happen if". It literally never stops. I have a notebook of more story ideas than I could ever hope to write.

7) In your Just One Kiss fic, what’s your favorite scene that you wrote?

It's a scene you guys haven't read yet.

8) Have you ever amended a story due to criticisms you’ve received after posting it?

No, I have not. I haven't ever gotten any useful criticism before. Just rude people.

9) Who is your favorite character to write for? Why?

Probably Steve! He's the easiest for me to write for some reason. I also tend to get nicer feedback on Steve stories.

10) Who is your least favorite character to write for? Why?

Uuuumm... Pietro. Like I mentioned before, I just don't have enough information to comfortably write him.

11) How did you come up with the title for the Just One Kiss?

Because that's all Bucky's been asking for since he was ten years old: "Come on, doll! Just one kiss?"

12) How did you come up with the idea for Just One Kiss?

Oddly enough, hearing "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer for the first time in a while. I've always thought that song was adorable. Cute and happy and sweet like a pre-war Bucky.

13) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

No, I don't think so! There are a bunch I haven't worked on in a while, but I'm very stubborn. I'm not letting them go.

14) Are there any stories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequel to?

I've played with the idea of a The Lonely Tree sequel series. I'm still not sure though. I don't want it to be one of those things where the sequel spoils the original because it sucks, ya know?

15) Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?

No, I don't think so! I'm pretty intense about finding my endings.

16) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?

Oh, gosh. This question scares me. I know I'd forget so many people if I tried to be specific. Really, I admire any one who writes on this platform. It's scary. It can get weirdly intense and rude really fast. Writing is hard, and sharing your writing is even harder. Really and truly, I admire everyone who has ever tried.

17) Do you have a story that you look back on and cringe when you reread it?

Every. Single. One.

18) Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?

Depends! It does have to be one or the other, though. I'm not one of those people who can sit in a coffee shop and write. I either need silence, or I need music. I actually make playlists for each longer piece that I take on to help me keep inspiration flowing. I've thought about posting them on the masterlist before.

19) Have you ever cried whilst writing a story?

I've gotten very, very, VERY sad, but I don't think I've ever made myself cry. Probably because I know I'm a big ole softy who is going to write a happy ending. It helps when you know everything is going to be okay.

20) Which part of your Just One Kiss fic was the hardest to write?

Chapter 7, the Christmas chapter, for sure. That was when I was getting really rude and hateful messages from people. It was also a mental health low point, and of course there was the full chapter deletion that forced me to rewrite from scratch. That was not a fun time, let me tell ya.

21) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow?

It kind of depends. Mostly I just go with the flow. However, if I'm having trouble grappling with a larger or more complex story, I do try to break it down by what I want to be the theme for each chapter, or a wish list of ideas/moments I want to cover. It still isn't really an outline. More of an idea board, really.

22) What is something you wished you’d known before you started posting fan-fiction?

At some point, the number of notes on stories remains stable and comparatively low no matter how much higher your follower count grows.

23) Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?

Soundtrack. It's the one that I've spent the longest amount of time working with and the one that I feel has the most genuine emotion and depth. But also the lowest number of notes by far.

24) In contrast to 23 is there a story which gets lots of love which you kinda eye roll at?

Burden of Proof. I wrote it as a silly little answer to a vague request. It really doesn't have a plot. That character work isn't that great. I didn't spend much time on it at all. And yet, it has the highest number of notes by far.

25) Are any of your characters based on real people?

Umm not really? Role wise and situation wise, sometimes. The Lonely Tree came about when I passed by my favorite tree and my soon to be friend Maggie asked if she could put me in her art assignment. Scarf Thief came about when I crossed paths with a guy in a Captain America costume the weekend of Halloween who looked like he was about to freeze to death because he forgot to grab a coat and I lent him my scarf.

26) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?

Really any person who actually goes into detail in their comments is paying me a very treasured compliment. When people do some interpreting? I love it. When people share how they are affected by my writing? I am floored. In recent memory, @hispeculiartreasure private comments to me touched me the deepest.

27) What’s the harshest criticism you’ve gotten?

I think things have to be useful in order to be considered criticism. I've instead had rudeness (demanding updates and treating me like a servant) and confusing leaps to unsupported conclusions (I hate Bucky Barnes because I dare to write a slow burn, apparently).

28) Do you share your story ideas with anyone else or do you keep them close to your chest?

Oh, I love to share them! You guys don't know how much you would learn if you actually asked! Mostly I share them with @aubzylynn and @indominusregina

29) Do people know you write fan-fiction?

No, and I plan to keep it that way.

30) What’s you favorite minor character you’ve written?

Umm minor in terms of not the focal point of the story, I always love writing Tony. His voice comes through really easily to me, and I definitely plan on giving him his own stories in the future. In terms of actually a minor character, Louise from Just One Kiss! I love my sweet, silly Louise. (Betty is a main character dammit)

31) What spurs you on during the writing process?

F e e d b a c k. Always feedback. The more detailed, the better.

32) What’s your favorite trope to write?

I don't know yet! I haven't had a chance to play with very many! I'm missing a lot of the classic romcom ones and it's a damn tragedy. (Hmm I sure hope no one would be an angel and request some specifics so I have an excuse. That would be terrible.)

33) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about?

I have no earthly idea

34) If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

Fluff! Easy! I don't have it in me to carry angst all the way to the end. It always has to have a fluffy ending. I do enjoy the depths I can reach and the complex dynamics I can explore with angst, but in the end I always have to soothe it over with fluff. And I don't write smut, so that's out too. I just like making people happy! I love being able to make people smile and feel good and walk away in a better mood than when they first sat down to read. That's always the goal.