#kinda like my butch bartender oc Quincy except I’m. not that muscular and not a she/her
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hm. having a mini gender crisis in the middle of my shift again
#pentababbles#good LORD is this getting annoying#got hit by a sudden dysphoria attack while talking to a girl and had to ask myself:#am I a trans guy or just really really butch??#like I feel. othered. from cishet women with my alternate lifestyle in spite of both sharing space with them AND being attracted to them#even though I know they see me as one of them so immediately I am Not a Threat despite not performing femininity very well#and I feel no communion or comraderie with cishet men. despite longing to emulate aspects of their performances#I don’t really wanna be seen as a ‘man’ but I don’t wanna be seen as a woman either#to women I want to be seen as an object of attraction. to my friends I want to be seen as masc. to men I want to be seen as a threat#and these things don’t all automatically line up with being a man…#I think I would be more comfortable with femininity if I was at least allowed to be masculine first.#like. I NEED to go shopping in the men’s section so so bad#I’d really like to start taking t. on a low dose#just for a little while then stop once I achieve certain permanent changes I want (low voice + bottom growth)#I wanna get back into exercising to trim some fat#specifically the fat in more feminine areas. I really want that Britney Griner type chest#I’ve also contemplated the name ‘Abraham’ for my irls to call me when I feel less femme#kinda like my butch bartender oc Quincy except I’m. not that muscular and not a she/her#although I’d probably be more comfortable with she/her if I wasn’t forced into femininity so often#I think at the end of the day though. I’m not a trans guy just a weird dyke#bc I like feminine labels specifically in a lesbian manner: I’m okay with being called girlfriend or wife but not with daughter or sister#I’m dykegender. does all that make sense
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