#kinda harsh but im just fed up with people who claim to be pro-life

[noctomania]

I was an accident!

So was my sister. We were not planned conceptions. I don’t know the exact details, nor do i want to, of our conception except that they were not planned. My mom and dad also were not in a healthy relationship at the time. They stuck it out through my sister’s birth but not for long until after I was born. I don’t remember them being together.

I’m not sure if it was due to my mother’s catholic upbringing, the laws in texas at the time (most likely is my thinkin), or some influence from my dad’s family, but obviously neither of us were aborted. Dad was already working as a lawyer, but mom hadn’t managed to finish her bachelors for whatever reason and I’m not sure what work she had been doing, but I reckon she had to stop to care for my sister and not but 3 yrs after her birth I came along.

My parents separated and mom leaned into alcoholism which resulted in terminal illness from destroying her liver. I watched her die for 13 years before coming across her, on my own, in her last day of life having some kind of episode that resulted in her last trip to the ER and after to Hospice (which is end of life care).

While I know I have done what i can to impart good on other’s (albeit with mistakes along the way and the all too human diagnosis of selfishness in some cases) I would have rather been aborted. I had a childhood of neglect, poverty, and emotional trauma. In my adolescence I had to figure out how to cope with the loss of my mother who was the person i was ever closest with. I learned how different my family life was from others throughout my childhood. I’ve felt apart from every community i’ve ever been in due to various symptoms of the difficulty of a terminally ill alcoholic single impoverished mother trying to raise 2 kids in a red state with little support from family. It’s kind of hard to relate to a vast amount of people after experiences like that. Even relating to my own family who didn’t witness those experiences proves difficult.

I can’t speak for my sister, but I for sure would have supported my abortion. My parents were not stable financially or emotionally, there was already a dependent on their hands, and their in-laws were not even all-in. Their conception of me was a mistake admitted by both of them, and since then I have tried my best to do my best but it’s exhausting.

I’m not saying abortion would have saved my mother, their marriage, or been any kind of miracle. But it would have prevented my own suffering and the suffering of those subjected to the lashings of my mental illness. It would have saved so many resources and perhaps my spirit might have been born into less suffering or not at all awoken. To assume there would have been a void where my life is is all selfish. Someone more deserving would have pursued and finished my degrees, gotten jobs they care about, stayed healthy, and maybe even accomplished the dreams i have.

“Do what you can with what you have”. please be quiet. that may apply for making a meal, but making a life is a hell of a lot more complicated. I’ve accomplished a lot and it amounts to nothing in society’s eyes. No job cares that I did choreographed dance, facial make up, and performed on and off for 2 years as a drag king. no job cares how many cats I have looked after and kept happy and healthy. no job cares that i managed to be a full time student, hold a part time job as a desk receptionist, a full time job as an RA, and also held a position in office for the school’s LGBT club all at once. no jobs care whats in my heart is pure and strong. nobody cares how intuitive i am. no jobs care that i’ve been cutting (and in some cases coloring) my own hair for over a decade. or that i built my own computer. or of any the artwork i’ve made from scratch. or that i’ve kept myself afloat so much with little to no help. or that, with very few interim exceptions, i’ve been employed in some kind of job since i think it was jr yr of high school while i was also taking multiple AP/preAP classes.

I must continue in the low class because thats just how it is. i’m relentlessly plagued with hopelessness, indirection, confusion, depression, stress, disappointment, indecisiveness, suicidal idealization, anxiety, and dependents i never asked for. I wasn’t raised in an environment where i learned how to handle these things in a healthy way. i’ve slowly been trying to teach myself, but ffs learning how to save yourself as a building is crumbling down on you is not really optimal and not nearly as likely for success. i’m genuinely shocked i’ve not been entirely homeless yet. To think a procedure could have prevented a life of this bullshit, i think it would have been well worth it. Especially since my scenario is not near as bad as it can be by far, but bad enough i all too often have wished i were dead.

Even at my peak moments in life i have held this belief that i wish i hadn’t been born. not worth it. if that hurts anyone’s feelings, tough. It’s not your life. I’m a blip in your existence and me not existing honestly would not have made an impact anyone else couldn’t also have had in your life.

i’d say by all means check back with me when i’m more financially stable and living a happier debt-free life with a house and car and 20 cats but that’s never going to happen so idk what else to say. except that abortion should be legal everywhere and some if not entirely covered by insurance.

you want to make the world a better place? stop subjecting innocents to the shitshow it is now.