#kinda cobbled together but fuck it we ball

[lunaremy]

Always had this idea that blacks a really good combatant when he wants to be. I mean, if I remember correctly bro used to be whites arch nemesis (unless timeliness are different)

That would require SOME kind of battle prowess, right?

It's debatable, but thanks to R2 I think they still have a sibling rivalry.

"Really? You have nothing to show?"

"I told you already, White. I don't DO training. Im already perfect."

"No! You! Aren't!"

White stood over Black, his face red with anger.

"You always say junk like 'im so perfect'," He imitated Black's suave voice. "but it's NOT TRUE!!"

Black stared back, no remorse present on his face.

"Really?! It isn't true?" Black raised his voice accordingly. "I'll show you perfection!! You've lied!!"

"Then show it to me in a battle!" White pointed his finger at Black, his voice brimming with great amounts of rage.

"Oh, I'll show YOU a battle."

"Then it's on!!"

One might ask what this duel is about, and the answer is simple.

Black skipped out on doing the chores again.

It was his week to do the chores, as denoted by White's handy dandy chore board (in which his name was listed for most of the tasks most of the time). White was really too tired to do everything this week, so the tasks automatically went to the second oldest; that being Black.

Except Black really doesn't care for doing chores.

"Why would I do the dishes? It'll soil my beautiful complexion if i'm exposed to such dirt."

"Sorry, but I only do my own laundry. You can ask Pink to deal with it."

On, and on, and on, and on....

White had had it.

Before long, the two had made their way to a sort of training arena; a vast plane of grass filled with various blocks to break apart.

White felt the data required for such a battle load itself as a countdown began.

It's on.

The beginning of such a fight was slow, as to be expected. White could hear Black's explosions from across the map.

BOOM. More bombs.

BOOM. More firepower.

BOOM. More speed.

Before long, most of the blocks had been destroyed by now, and White quickly had to devise a plan once the blocks separating him from his opponent were destroyed.

A bomb appeared in his hand, and he quickly adjusted to the weight of it, before chucking it over the Block.

"Guh-!!"

He heard a muffled shout of pain from behind the blocks.

That's the plan!

White produced another bomb and threw it over the blocks again, before placing another bomb at the block to break it.

But it broke before his bomb went off.

"Huh?" He mumbled it under his breath. There was no indication of Pain from Black, who was not present when White's bomb exploded and he looked out from the smoke and ashes.

Through the thick smog of smoke, White saw a bomb heading towards him, and quickly shot back to his hiding position as it slid past him before exploding in a spectacular fashion.

Black was silent. White couldn't even hear his feet hitting the ground.

"Yo, White!" It sounded far away. White moved out of his hiding spot and began searching for him to engage battle.

"Show yourself, Black!"

"Why? So you can have the advantage?"

This time, Black's voice was towards the left of his position. White moved accordingly. There were some blocks that had yet to be destroyed; perhaps they contained some power ups. So far, White could only throw, and Black seemed to only be able to kick.

White hesitated for a moment.

"That kind of thinking's only for losers, yknow."

White hears Black's voice move, and he's seemingly halfway across the map by now.

He hears the sound of a powerup data-chip being picked up.

No....Black's voice is getting closer.

White bolts from his position, but before he can flee from the brick his back is up against, his vision goes blank as he feels a bomb land atop his head.

It rolls forward, and White collapses in pain, struggling to regain awareness.

"And boy, you seem like a loser right now."

It's...behind the brick.

When White comes to, he quickly realizes that there is a ticking bomb in front of him.

And he can't escape. No matter how much he pushes and prods at the bomb blocking his path, he can't escape.

In one final shout of desperation, White yells;

"YOU CAN DO ALL OF THIS,"

The bomb explodes, sending White flying, but he continues in despair.

"BUT YOU CAN'T DO CHORES????"

Once White's out of sight, Black scoffs, pretending to flip his nonexistent hair with great sass.

"I told him. Chores simply ruin my beauty."

-- -- --- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - --- - --- - --

The door slides open in front of him, and Black enters his home. Yellow's already doodling something in the living room. On the couch rests White, lying

Wow. just how hard did I throw that bomb? Perhaps I don't realize my strength.

"Well? Are you feeling any better?" White complains.

It seemingly flies over Black's head, as he responds like White doesn't have an issue with him.

"I feel INCREDIBLE, White."

"Glad to hear, because I'm stuck here with a blinding headache thanks to you."

White sighs in pain.

Of course, using your antennae to return to a safer position doesn't alleviate the pain that blasted you away entirely. Right now, the pain seemed almost blinding as White's internals struggled to reorient themself following such an intense battle.

At least Black's good at one thing.

He'd used the smoke from the bombs to mask his movements, uttering annoyances to throw White off.

White had realized that during his time spent on the couch. His emotions got the best of him, causing him to suffer a lapse in focus. That lapse ultimately led to him losing the battle, resulting in the throbbing headache that he's suffering from as they spoke.

"LISTEN to me, Black." distress was apparent in White's eyes as he looked up at him. "You gotta do the chores...you beat me pretty badly back there. I'm too sore to finish them. So you gotta use that skill you displayed to do the chores."

"But I said..." Black started, but White interrupted him again.

"Cmon, dude. If you're so perfect, use that perfection to help me out."

"I'm perfect, you say?" There he goes, fishing for compliments.

"Yes, you're perfect." White plays along, if only for the sake of getting him to do the damn chores.

"Then I'll bestow just a bit of my perfection unto you, White. To the chores I go!!"

Finally, he leaves.

White sighs with relief instead of stress this time.

At the very least, I know Black used to be quite motivated to become better than me...

I wonder if he'll pick up that behavior with the chores, as well.

It's silent.

Jesus christ, the headache is real, though...

[funky-lil-ghost]

Official™ Hermit Species Classification System

so grian decided that hermits are a species and i said no. no way docm77 and pearlescentmoon are the same species. but like. species is just one level of classification. long story short i gave myself a crash course in taxonomy and spent a whole day making this diagram. (im not a biologist tho, scientists please be nice to me. im just a small boy trying his best)

full explanation under the cut! also this link lets u view the diagram as a webpage

first thing, here's a handy chart of the standard biological classification system (image id in alt text). also btw I took a lot of inspiration from this post when i started figuring out how to apply this system to the hermits

after a lot of trial and error with different sorting criteria, i decided to put the "hermit" classification at family level. it made the most sense to me. also cause. the hhermits they r a family :( they., family . sorry my demons

As a family, the hermits' common traits are as follows from my diagram:

Members of the family parvihabilis have a genetic propensity for hybridization. All of these creatures are hybrids of some kind, although some are morphologically ambiguous and may not display obvious hybrid traits. Additionally, most are smaller than the average humanoid.

Let's break that down.

Hermits are creatures whose genetic makeup is well-suited to hybrid stuff. For this concept, hybridism is uncommon in most humanoids because it causes too many genetic conflicts and just kinda dies off before it even exists. Hermits have uhhhh. squishy genes. They're highly adaptable. This adaptability comes with a few specific characteristics, one of which is reduced size (thanks for that, grian. does it make sense? no clue! fuck it we ball).

I did a bit of research about scientific naming and cobbled together some Latin, hopefully it works lol. The family name parvihabilis should roughly translate to mean small + adaptable.

Next!

There are two genus categories in the parvihabilis family: Aedifex and ingeniator. Aedifex means "builder" and ingeniator means "engineer" (which I have used in place of "redstoner").

The builder and redstoner genera aren't hard and fast "this is what this person does all the time forever" categories, because there are a lot of hermits who work with both. Rather, these terms describe a genetic leaning that usually results in certain specialties.

For example:

Anyone can be a builder, but those of the genus aedifex are genetically predisposed to building-related behaviors. They gather and/or horde various materials, using them to create all kinds of structures. These structures can sometimes be homes for the aedifex, but they often abandon a structure soon after completion. Aedifex are known to be somewhat mysterious, following their instincts to different environments where they become attached to a certain area and set of materials until they feel ready to move on.

Similarly, anyone can learn redstone. However, those of the genus ingeniator have a natural affinity for logic problems and a genetically-wired fascination with redstone as a material. That last part is basically "oooooh Shiny Red Thing! i will put it in my box of Shiny Red Things because it is Shiny and Red". Ingeniator can sometimes become lost in their own contraptions, unaware of time slipping away as they work.

Finally, I put the hermits in species classifications based on whether they display hybrid traits. While all hermits are hybrids, they may not have traits that are obvious or clearly definable. Kinda like superhero universes where everyone has powers, but some people don't know what theirs is because it's some obscure thing like idk. folding sheets quickly.

Hermits are like this in the presentation of their hybrid genetics. Some have obvious traits like wings, glowing eyes, etc. Others do not. The corresponding species names are spectamistus, which should mean "visible mix", and secludimistus, which should mean "hidden mix".

Spectamistus will use their hybrid traits in accordance with their genus: Aedifex spectamistus could include a bird hybrid using their wings to safely build high in the air, a dog hybrid sniffing out the materials they need, etc. Ingeniator spectamistus may use traits such as fire resistance when mining for quartz in the nether, or specialized hearing when testing delicate machinery.

That’s all i got! Hopefully it makes sense, i spent pretty much all day on it lmao.

[spirit-mysteria]

Chapter 1

Zorn’s P.O.V

Today is the day of the coronation… my coronation. All my fathers’ responsibilities will fall onto my shoulders, and it would now fall onto me to see to the safety of my people. Talk about pressure!

I flop back against my bed and stare out the window, trying to calm my ever growing nerves. I found myself smiling as my gaze lands on the massive palace gardens. Perhaps a walk would calm my nerves. I’m about to be the king, I think I’m allowed to walk in my own palace grounds.

I stand up, stretching. My joints protesting with audible pops that had me sighing in relief. I chuckle to myself and slip on some common clothes. Don’t need my citizens to recognize me when I’m supposed to be getting ready for my big day.

I slip an older more comfortable pair of boots on before I leave my room, heading for one of the many palace exits. As I made my ways through the palace halls, I could hear my sisters discussing the ball tonight. Chivon sounded less than excited as usual. Part of me wonders if she shouldn’t have been born a man.

“Don’t worry Chiv, all the eyes will be focused on me tonight anyway,” I chuckle happily, poking my head into the room.

“Oh shut up, I hope you trip in front of the whole kingdom.” Chivon rolls her eyes, chucking one of Sera’s books at me. I pull away from the door laughing quietly to myself, before continuing through the hall. Soon I came across a set of stairs that lead to one of the servent exits.

“Perfect,” I smile pushing the door open and heading for the garden gates. They were large and extravagant just like most of this place. I give the gates a shove and they creak open slowly.

The gardens were magnificent. Filled with flowers of every kind, beautiful trees that towered over you, and even exotic plants you couldn’t find anywhere else in the kingdom. .

I remember coming here as a kid. I would spend hours just exploring and I think I used to talk to someone. Probably just one of my sisters. It’s been so long since I’ve been here but it’s still as magical as I remember. I chuckle to myself and stretch out before sitting on the old wooden swing. It had been built when my mother was a child. She used to take us out there as kids and would swing with us for hours. It had always been a war between my sisters and I on who’d get to sit in mom’s lap at the time. Then we would all sit against the tree and Mom would read stories to us. It was easily her favorite place in the whole kingdom. Mine too.

I prop my arms up along the sides of the swing and yawn leaning back relaxing happily. This is better. Being surrounded by all this, how could I worry about what’s coming next? Here, I can just focus on the present

I went to close my eyes, figuring the bells would wake me in time, but before I could I saw something move out of the corner of my eye.

“Hello?” I ask as I slowly sit up looking around in confusion. “I’m just trying to relax here for a little bit, if you could not tell the reporters outside that would be great.” No one spoke up. Huh... I swear I saw something move. “If you’re not supposed to be out here I won’t tell anyone.” I stand slowly and frown in confusion, looking around the pathways surrounding me.

“It must be my nerves getting to me,” I mumble to myself and lay back down, staring up at the sky.

The branches above me start to rustle before I hear a squeak. Something small falls from the tree that looks kind of like a butterfly until it catches itself and looks directly at me. A fairy. But not just any fairy. It was my fairy.

“YEVETTE!” I shout, looking up at the girl excitedly. I can see the confusion on her face but she’s the same girl, she has the same bright blue eyes. The same wavy strawberry blonde hair. The same shimmering wings. I have no doubt she’s the same fairy I’d spent two summers talking to. Until my father forbid me from coming to the gardens, saying it was childish for a prince.

“Yevette it’s me! Zornesk!” I look up at her, holding my hands out in hopes that she’ll come and take a seat so I can talk to her.

“No. Zorn isn’t allowed in the gardens, Abby told me so herself. He hasn’t been here to see me in years. .” She frowns, flying to a branch and staring down at me. “Which is sad because he was my best friend.”

I have to admit, that hurt. It’s true, I haven’t been in the gardens for years since my father deemed it childish. But I should have tried harder. Instead, I abandoned my only friend. I quickly pushed those thoughts out of my head and smiled up at Eve softly. I offer my hands to her again.

“Eve, it’s really me, think about it, would I know your name if I wasn’t Zorn?”

“Well uhm... if you’re Zorn prove it! Where did you get my name from?” She looks at me and stubbornly crosses her arms.

“I got your name from one of the books in the library, I kept trying to give you names and you did not like a lot of them.” I chuckle softly and smile watching her. “Please come here?”

“ZORN!” She flies at me happily and drops into my hands sitting down. “I believe you now.” She smiles up at me and I can’t help but chuckle.

“You’ve grown, not much, but you’ve grown.” I chuckle softly stroking the top of her head with my thumb.

“You’ve grown a lot! Like a lot! I remember you being short because that’s when I knew you, and when your hair was short too.” She nods happily and closes her eyes leaning into my hand.

“Yeah a few things have changed since then,” I nod to my pony tail. “Like in a few hours, I will no longer be a prince.”

“Is it because you came to the gardens...?” She frowns and crosses her arms looking up at me. “Are they not letting you be a prince anymore just because of the garden...”

“What?” The hell does she mean? Not letting me be a... ooooh, “No no, Yevette I’m going to become the king, so I can come back out here now, whenever I don’t have important duties of course.” *I start walking heading further down the garden paths. “It goes from prince to king.”

“Oh! So you’ll make the big important rules now!” She nods her head smiling happily. What kind of big important rules does she think I can make? Does she even understand how laws work? I grin softly and chuckle. “Hey don’t laugh At me! I’m serious! Sera said Kings make really important uhm... laws, and she said laws are like rules!” Her face lite up as she explains what my sister has been teaching her. Fuck she’s adorable, how could I have forgotten about her... she’s the cutest little thing ever. My finger continues to stroke her head as I look around happily.

“So you mentioned my sisters, have they been keeping you company lately?” I look down at her to ask the question before I look back at the path. Tripping with her in my hands... not something I planned on doing.

“Yes! Sera and Chi! They’re the best! Chi is kinda weird, she doesn’t smile a lot, but I like her, and Sera is really really sweet! She brings me new flowers whenever you all go on trips. And she always told me how you were doing, only because I asked, but it was still nice!” She kept on chattering about my sisters, her voice soft and sweet.

Yevette was untouched by the cruelty of the world... just a sweet innocent girl... well I guess woman at this point. She looked so grown up... I wish I hadn’t been gone so long... almost 15 years since I’d last seen her.... my train of thought comes to a halt when I realized she’s no longer talking.

“You okay Zorn?” Her small fingers wrapped around my thumb, she pulled It closer And positioned it so she could rest her arms on my thumb.

“Yeah I’m okay, ecspecially now,” I chuckle and use my other thumb to stroke her head. “How old are you now?”

“I’m twenty one, I was six the last time I saw you, I must’ve been really small to you then,” she laughs happily and looks up at me still using my thumb as her arm rest.

“Yeah, I remember you being tiny, your wings were smaller too, and I kept trying to sneak you into the castle but then my nurse mother would check my pockets and make me let you go back.” Marian, I swear that lady knew more then she ever let on. She was never phased by Yevette.

“I remember that!” She nods happily. “And now you’re back so now we can start spending time together again, and maybe I can actually see the castle!”

Before I can agree with her I stop short as I feel her leave my hand and she’s suddenly face to face with me. “You’ve got a scar.” She frowns her hand tracing the claw marks that were permanently etched onto my face. “You didn’t have this when we were little.”

“It’s nothing don’t worry, it happened years ago little one,” I chuckle softly and turn puffing a gust of air at her pushing her away from the scars. Not a story I wanted to get into with her. Too violent.

“Hey!” She squeaks and tumbles around before regaining her stability. She huffs and crosses her arms glaring at me and I couldn’t help but chuckle. So cute, her hair wild and all over the place.

“What you were touching my face,” I chuckle happily continuing along the old cobbled path. “But you might wanna fix your hair little one,” out of the corner of my eye I watch as she frantically fixes her hair.

She quickly flies ahead to catch up. Her wings fluttering quickly as she flew around me a few times making me chuckle. After a few moments she sat down on my shoulder. “Comfy?” I look at her out of the corner of my eyes.

“Yep! Nice and comfy,” she leans against my neck and relaxes contently.

“You’re awfully trusting for someone so small,” I smile and yawn heading over to an old willow and leaning back against the tree. I slide down slowly making sure to keep an eye on her.

“Well because you’re my friend Zorn, you didn’t hurt me when we were kids you wouldn’t do it now.” She shrugs and sits back happily. “I trust you Zorn.”

I look at her and huff rolling my eyes happily before I scoop her off my shoulder. “So you really think kings just make “rules”?” I lift an eyebrow chuckling happily.

“Well yeah. That doesn’t seem like a very hard job.” She nods and lays back on my hand.

“No it’s a lot more then that, there are so many responsibilities, I have to ensure the safety of the entire kingdom, keep the peace with other kingdoms, a lot of really boring stuff too, but yes I do make the rules. And everyone in the kingdom is supposed to listen to me.” I chuckle hoping I explained it right to her.

“Guess it’s a good thing I’m not apart of your kingdom,” she nods happily.

“What do you mean, Yevette the palace grounds are apart of my kingdom,” I lift an eyebrow confused.

“‘No you said people, I’m not people, I’m a fairy,” she sits up looking at me happily.” Little thing seems pretty pleased with her logic as I let out an exasperated sigh.

“Yevette, you know people doesn’t refer to just humans, it refers to the elves and orcs and all the other creatures. Including you.” Maybe that will get it through.

“Nope I don’t count, I’ve already decided, I’m immune to your king powers.” Her wings flutter happily as she stares up at me smiling.

“You little shit…” I whisper and shake my head!

Yevette quickly left my hand and was in my face again. This time, she shook her head her hands on her hips. “That’s bad language Zorn! Watch your mouth!”

“But…. I’m about to be king…. I’m allowed to cuss…” I huff under my breath and blow a gust of air at her again. I push myself way from the tree laying back on the ground my arms resting behind my head. Letting out a content sigh I close my eyes.

“Hey!” Two tiny hands touch my nose. Slowly I open one eye to peak at her, I smile softly and chuckle.

“Yes little one?” I whisper not wanting to hurt her ears with her being this close to me.

“Are you gonna take a nap? If you are I’m gonna go do some flower tending, if you don’t mind.”

“Go ahead and have fun little one,” I nod my head gently and close my eye.

She took off quickly. My cute little fairy is all grown up. I can’t believe it. I’ve got someone I can spend my time with again. Besides my sisters or any of the advisors. I yawn again and decide to take a nap, just a short one.

[chyrstis]

WIP Monday?

I was tagged by @shallow-gravy @returnofthepd3 and @ja-crispea over the couple of days, and thank you all, by the way! So, I think I’ll do three snippets, just for fun. :D

Tagging: @finefeatheredgamer @amistrio @sharky-broshaw @ma-sulevin @guileandgall @painterofhorizons @jenchwuq @hawkfurze @naromoreau @smithandrogers @narcis-the-monk and @sneaky-apostate!

The first is part of the fic that decided it needed to exist on Saturday between reports, which is a moment between Ch. 3 and 4 from I won’t ask for much, that I thought would be amusing to jot down. Just be glad I’m saving the Flashdance reference for later. ;)

--------

“Wait, hold up.” He made a move to clear his ear out, because John didn’t just throw out what he thought he did. “You wanna repeat that, ‘cause it kinda sounded like you said I know what I’m doing.”

“Well, I thought you did.” John tilted his head to the side, aiming his stare at him long enough for Sharky to want to fidget in place. “You do, don’t you?"

Standing up straighter, he almost sneered at him. “Psh, yeah!”  

“Good,” John said, relaxing. “I’ve been counting on that. But truthfully, I was thinking that I may have been overly harsh, and pushed you harder than necessary. You almost broke your neck the last time you were out here due to overworking yourself, so I was thinking you could join me.”

“…Join you?”

Patting the seat next to him, John nodded. “Right here. To relax and have some water even.”

Sharky’s eyes darted from the spot to John, and back again. “You’re fucking with me.”

John rolled his eyes. “Please. If I actually wanted to fuck with you, I could do so much better than this.” Leaning back, he inclined his head towards the seat. “Rest. Take five, take ten even, and understand that there’s no catch to this. Just…a friendly suggestion.”

--------

And this second one’s from another fic that I’m actually going to tackle before Hana’s larger WIP of doom. Just some harmless flirting. For now.

--------

Sharky’s delight made it all worth it, though, earning her one hell of a smile when she started juggling in earnest. “Shit, you’re a regular wizard with your hands, Dep. Thought you’d toss it right back at me.”

Given that the compliment was on her juggling random shit without smacking herself, she had no reason to do so, but she might’ve blushed. Just a little.

“Yeah, I know I’m awesome,” Hana said, giving him a wink. “Just full of hidden unknown talents, but I’d still watch your head if I were you. …Might end up tossing one of these your way if I slip up.”

“Well, you won’t have to worry much about me. I’ve got a set myself.”

“Of magic hands?” She waggled her eyebrows at him. “Ooh, just how magical are we talking here?”

“I could get a few testimonials. I might be well known for things other than the ol’ Boshaw Special.“

Boshaw Spec-? Oh. That.

Her attention locked right onto his mouth before darting back to his hands, and she kicked herself for it. “Is that right?”

“Trick of the wrist, and, uh…” Sharky made a motion with a few of his fingers as he clucked his tongue, and she didn’t need to think hard to get the visual. “Well, you do that, you’ll get more than a few calls back.”

“Uh huh,” Hana replied, biting at the corner of her lip. Then nearly missed her catch when she failed to shake the mental image he’d conjured up. “So, definitely good with them then. But are you quick?”

“Quick?”

“Think fast!”

He yelped when the ball flew right past his head, his own face going red, and she might’ve felt a little bad for surprising him like that. But it was his fault for starting this conversation to begin with, and also for giving her way too much to think about when it came to-

“..puty? Hey, kid, you there?”

--------

...And one final Sharky/John idea, set shortly after I won’t ask for much, because I’ve seriously been jotting down notes about these two left and right since late February/early March, and the ideas just keep on coming.

--------

Sharky slung an arm around John’s shoulders. That got him a raised eyebrow as John turned towards him, and he knew his face was well and beyond red at this point. But with that came another look. Something softer, and Sharky swallowed down the dry feeling in his throat it brought on as John turned away to continue speaking to Hurk.

“I’ve been meaning to speak to you, actually. Now seems as fine a time as any, but I’d like to extend an offer.”

Hurk was eyeing John skeptically still, but eventually settled for something friendlier. “Uh, sure. For what exactly?”

“You and Charlemagne are known for taking on any and all kinds of jobs in the county. I know this doesn’t always lead to stable work, but due to this you’ve managed to cobble together a variety of valuable skills between the two of you. And that’s not counting what you’ve done overseas.”

“Oh, amigo, I’ve done things with coconuts a scientist would absolutely shit themselves over.”

[ngame989]

On Tumblr, producer Dominic Bisignano confirmed they write the show as it is being made. I sorta kinda question do they plan the story in advance, or they just randomly make up stuff without any build up or conclusion? Was there ever an arc? Despite the fact Nefcy on Twitter has posted a photo of a Season 3 arc board where they layout key episode ideas, the overall plot and themes, but it changes and evolves as they spend a year writing the season.

It’s pretty well-known at this point that S1-2 were planned together without explicit knowledge of S3 (which is why the Toffee arc was pretty cohesive throughout), and S3 and S4 were planned one at a time. Daron said in an interview I watched that she hadn’t gotten confirmation about S4 until they were done with the full structure of S3, and that if they hadn’t gotten a S4 she was going to ask for a bonus episode after Conquer. IMO this almost definitely indicates that the reason S3 pushed the characters so close to a possible resolution (Star confidently leading the people, Marco confidently taking charge of his own role, Starco being pushed almost to the brink, Tom learning how to be a good friend even with feelings weirdness) was to give them a way to cobble together an “ending” of sorts, at the very least with closure for the main characters/relationship drama. 

But of course Daron had her heart set on not having Starco happen until the end so when they DID get S4 that left them between a rock and a hard place and they had to take some very questionable paths to hold it off for another season. One theory I have is that if the show had ended with Toffee, Daron would have had the dimensions cleave and magic go away forever then instead - considering her original idea for Star was a magicless world anyway, it DOES make some sense that this was always where she wanted it to end. And it might explain why S4′s arcs feel less like “this was clearly always meant to happen in exactly this path” and more “how do we force the development from Conquer to this specific ending to be exactly 21 episodes long?” with the pathway there feeling very contrived at times.

I wholly sympathize with Daron doing what she felt was best not knowing when the show would end, especially since this is her first showrunning gig, but... it’s pretty obvious that writing a show with a linear plot in a seasonal manner is a bad idea that should be avoided at all costs and will inevitably lead to it fucking itself over in some major way. Mr. Robot is a great example of a show that had the balls to plan for 4-5 seasons from the very beginning and it’s paying off immensely now as the final season plays out. It’s very different than SVTFOE, way darker, but it shares some of the better parts of the underlying fundamentals that make SVTFOE really good at its best and I’d recommend it to anyone that can handle darker stuff.

[fullymechanized-consoomer]

40K factions and you

Space Marines:

Your favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla, but occasionally you might try some Neapolitan, if you’re feeling dangerous. You’re faction’s lore is designed from the ground up to accept your self-inserts, and the models are some of the easiest to paint in the entire range. None of this matters because no matter how unique you think your super-cool “realistic marines who use real tactics maaaaan” are they’ll always come out looking like a slight variation of the ones below

8th edition has finally allowed you to feel a tiny sliver of the unbalanced and over-costed hell other factions have been stuck in for years, but unlike them, daddy GW is more than willing to spend a little extra on his bulky good bois so they still get all the coolest gear and lore. Like vanilla, small children love them, but they grow out of both eventually. 

edit: it was only a matter of time before GW stamped its foot down and made the inevitable decision that its favorite kid needs to be busted again. Then again in all fairness they toned down their overpoweredness from “godlike” to merely “demi-godlike” 

Imperial Guard:

You’re a big “history fan”. You’ve seen Enemy at the Gates, watched some history channel shows about Nazi wonder weapons, and make 54 karma post on r/history_memes recycling debunked Eastern Front jokes. Only your intelligent eye is able to conflate this factions obvious Metal Slug levels of cartoonish design and tactics with realism, and you make sure to remind everyone else of said realism by comparing your tabletop exploits to your military experience in the reserves. Everyone used to like you back when the faction was actually made up of underdogs and under appreciated, but the Guant’s Ghosts references have gotten kinda stale, and no one appreciates the brass balls of these Starship Trooper knockoffs now that 8th edition supports and rewards the very same mindless horde tactics the Guard used to be mocked for in Lore. Despite having some of the most tried and true designs in the game, as well as an incredible amount of options, you will quickly find how limiting the only “realistic” army is in terms of customization and paint schemes, as anything but camo, grey, or tan looks goofy and reveals how silly this faction actually is. 

edit: If your army consists of wrapping 30 guardsmen around basilisks I recommend you take a short fall down a long flight of stairs. Fuck you, Evan.

Eldar:

You’re a real shooter. You know what you like and you stick with it, cause lets face it, it takes a lot of loyalty to stick with these arrogant pricks. Their designs are unique but dated, their lore is a uneven mishmash of 40k grimdark schmultz Tolkien telephone, and Oliver Twist-esque whipping bois for whenever GW writers need to remind us how cool Space Marines are. But none of that matters because you know the truth: Eldar can kick tons of ass on the board, and look good doing it, as their unique designs lends them to all sorts of brilliant color combinations

And unlike other armies their rare design updates improve on their aesthetic while keeping their 40k-ness, something that is becoming increasingly rare in this era of Tacticool marines and Fantasy-creep. Just don’t expect to be taken seriously by anyone but the old-heads.

Edit: Leave it to the whipping bois to be outshined in their own event and get a single model update. Thanks GW, very cool. 

Dark Eldar

You are one of two people: a meta hopping smooth brain who only jumped ship once these guys got one of the best updates in 40k history, or a true intellectual who understood their hidden merit all along. Other faction players like to make fun of you for being edgy, when in reality you know that the Dark Eldar are just a bunch of sociopathic theater kids. They, like you, know how fucked from top to bottom this universe is, and instead of getting depressed they exclaimed “how can we be the best cartoon villains we can be?”. Despite having a relatively bare army list, the fact that these d-bags come in 3 flavors of crazy in a single army offers a ton of variety: the mustache twirling villainy of the Kabals, the crazy bloodstained snuff-stars of the Wych cults, and the BDSM horror show of the Covens. All three offer substantial benefits and drawbacks and must be played carefully in order t- 

Who am I kidding? You’re just gonna stuff  a bunch of Kabal warriors into Venoms and zoom around the map, aren’t you? Enjoy that speed, because your abysmal save stats wont protect you anything more than a furiously thrown walnut. At least your corpses will look rad clad in some of the grimest armor and gear in the game. 

edit: no longer anywhere near as dominent as they were in the earlier years of 8th, but they still look slick as hell and play great. 

Orks

Your IQ randomly jumps from 20 to 200 throughout the day. There is no predicting this, no planning around this, no stopping this. You’re best bet is just to go along with it, and that’s why you play Orks. Orks are roudy good-time buddies who love slapstick slaughter, not having thoughts, and occasionally pulling of cunning plans that human savants would struggle to comprehend. Orks seem to be the only faction that know what joy is, which is why you as a player spread it to everyone else. Yes, the memes and screaming can be a bit much to others sometimes, but like with any other mentally handicapped child  everyone around just grits their teeth through your bad episodes if it means not upsetting your unique sensibilities. And considering that this army’s aesthetic revolves around cobbled together nonsense, you have a lot of uniqueness to give. Orks are easily the most creative faction in the game when it comes to conversions. Nothing is too goofy, too dumb, or too silly to scrap together. As for performance on the tabletop? Go ham. This is an army that rewards merry bullshit and randomness. Remember, you didn’t pick Orks to win, you picked them to have fun. 

edit: So are Orks actually getting anything or what? GW’s plans for this faction is as chaotic as the minds of the ADHD scrambled minds who play them

Necrons

You have a very specific taste in... funky weird-science space Egyptians. Seriously, these guys are practically a completely different army to what they were a decade ago. Gone are the terminator references and eldritch lore nonsense, and here to stay is senility and glyphs. You lie to yourself, saying that you’re not really sure why you chose Necrons, but I know the truth: you chose them because they used to be busted. They used to be unfair. They used to be able to take out top-tier tanks with their version of pea shooters and come back after every turn. So overwhelmed were you by their dazzeling stats and bullshit cheese your brain’s wiring fried and the erratic firing of billions of flayed neurons made you think Necrons had cool lore and interesting models. But now they’ve been nerfed to hell, and you’re no longer stuck in that lasting state of sensory overload. Like a drunk snapping awake with a hangover you come to the painful reality: Necrons are kind of dull. So like me, you put them away in a shoebox forever, leaving their fragile sculpts to slowly fall apart.

Edit: FUCK WHERE IS THE SHOEBOX WHERE DID I LEAVE IT OH GOD OH OH NO OH FUCK THEY’RE ALL BROKEN MAYBE I CAN PUT THEM BACK TOGETHER BEFORE 9th EDITION LAUNCHES I’M SO SORRY FOR WHAT I DID TO YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER I NEED YOU, I NEED MY BOOOOOOOOYS!!!

Tau

You will forever be hated by the community unfairly. You are accuse being anime - and this is true - yet the Eldar get away with being copied wholesale from 80′s space anime and no one seems to notice. You are made fun of for your bad melee, despite having one of the most comprehensively designed niches in an otherwise sloppy game and dominating with nearly every edition. You are made fun of for your lore, despite being largely separate from the cliches and story traps that everyone else has fallen into. You are hated because you are different; hated because you are Asian. 

Tau are an anomaly in 40k: a completely new faction that wasn’t directly ripped off of some other franchise and with an aesthetic that is wholly their own. I won’t be making fun of them because they get enough of that, and you don’t deserve it. Just know this dirty secret: Tau outsell almost every other xenos faction, and despite the supposedly unanimous hate are probably one of the strongest factions in terms of play-style and modelling in the franchise. 

Edit: The tau are grittier than ever, happy now? They still do the same thing they have always done anyways.

Chaos

Unlike the DE you actually are edgy. You worship satan, you throw rocks at homeless people, you start fires because your dad doesn’t spank you enough. Chaos are the closest things that this cluster fuck of a universe can get to being the main villains. Their lore is at once intricate and stupid, both childish and metal as hell. You play chaos because getting your fingers pricked by the models’ spikes is the closest you can come to feeling anything anymore. Just like the chaos lore you love to hype yourself up, to puff your chest and revel in the darkness inside, but when confronted you tend to fold like wet tissue paper. You’ve stopped playing public games with these guys, because the other players don’t understand you and abuse the meta and make fun of your painting skills and  everything is so unfair and don’t you think that chaos marines should get buffs for their points cost, fuck?

Edit: The new models are slick and more power-metal minivan than ever, though the rules are still abysmal despite GW desperately wanting everyone to takes these guys seriously for once. 

Sisters of Battle

GW writers and designers hates Catholics and they hate women, so naturally they hate Sister of Battl. They also hate you for playing them. Because of this SoB are a monument to neglected potential. They have one of the best female armor designs in fiction, great lore, and an interesting playstyle that relies on faith/determination based feats of strength and valor... but GW hate Catholics and women, so SoB get shafted everywhere all the time. More often than not you will be disappointed reading about their exploits as they continually get unfairly slaughtered, corrupted into the horny service of the pervert god, or used as receptacles for blood-based paint when the writer’s favorite faction needs to fight demons. With no plastic models in sight for over a decade everyone began to come to the slow and dreadful realization that GW was looking to Squat our favorite estrogen warriors, until a new revamp was announced. Unfortunately the beta rules look as lackluster as ever, but that’s fine, because as a SoB fan you have learned to expect that GW hates you, Catholics, and women. 

Edit: GW found God and got woke because now they love women and Jesus’ one true Church, but let it be known that reformation doesn’t occur overnight, as the SOB’s faces still betray GW’s lingering discomfort in the female form:

Their rules are fun, and if every codex was designed like it 40k might actually be a fun game

Tyranids

nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom no- and that’s it that’s the Tyranids. I don’t know anything about them besides that, and neither do you, cause that’s their lore. Yes they have cool models, but next to no reliable updates. I’ll pray for you.  

Edit: it really looks like GW has just completely forgotten about you poor souls huh? The Night King, a character who is closely associated with the totally-not-reconned-Tyranid-invasion, comes back and not one word about you guys. They don’t even actively hate you like, say, they hate the Eldar. It’s just... apathy. 

Grey Knights

HAHA AHAHAHAHA HA HA UHAHAHA HAHAAHAHAAHAH HAHA ha ha Ah......... he. hehahaaaAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

edit: I hope you all realize that Grey Knights are far too specialized in fighting the permanently under performing forces of chaos to be 40ks “elite among elite.”  You and your entire faction has been made completely obsolescent by the Custodes. The rough times will continue, say hi to the Squats in heaven will you?

Custodes

You are either insufferably full of yourself or a fine practitioner of the model making craft. Most likely though you are neither, and you picked them because you only need gold and red paint to make them look good. Custodes are the space marine’s space marines, and they’re better than you and everyone else. period. At least in lore. On the table their incredible individual stats and elite status are reflected in points cost, so for most large games you will be fielding what amounts to any other faction’s skirmishing army. Unfortunately, since 40k is a stat-sheet battler that favors raw bulk of rolls and stats over the quality of them, you’d be hard-pressed to do well in any serious game. However, for the luminous of mind, the small size is a blessing in disguise since you don’t need to buy and paint as many units as the other armies, and no matter how hard the guard player trashes you his 50 unpainted manlets will never look as good as your 15 gloriously crafted golden Chads. Stick to smaller games, and the individual strength of each model will make up for the glaring absence caused by their loss.

Ironically enough despite being an elite faction from a relatively obscure part of 40k lore, these attributes make Custodes the perfect casual player’s faction. It is my personal theory that if GW didn’t grossly inflate their prices to such a high degree everyone would have a Custodes army. 

Oh yeah, Henry Cavil plays these guys, because of course he does. 

[aggresivelyfriendly]

Umbria

He’s looking at you @dirtystyles! Be the world’s best fic commenter, get custom made smut!

A halene drabble in the Italian sunlight.

“Umbria”

"What are you doing this weekend?" The text comes through from a known number very late on a Tuesday night a month after tour ends.

Helene's mind starts racing. He said he wanted to do that with her in Paris, she is in Paris.

Is he coming to see her?

She would love to see him. It's only been a month. It's been a whole month.

He didn't say much in LA, just rocked her socks off, mentioned doing it again, or at least wanting to, and then she got on a plane and posted pics for him that were so bittersweet it was like drinking real hot chocolate in Mexico. She's trying to think of  a response. Something funny, and that lets her appear available but not desperate.

If those merde gray dots didn't appear every time she would just write something out and then erase it until it sounded right. But before she can decide between, 'Nothing set in concrete', or 'you?' another message pops through. He had his grey dots turned off, how did he do that? That was handy!

"Come to Italy?" he put a winky emoji at the end, so she flirted back.

"Bologna?" she had major nostalgia for Bologna, vibed herself to oblivion with her face in her comforter to remember the feeling.

"No, we've done Bologna. Let's try Umbria..." her heart raced. He wanted to kiss her everywhere, everywhere it seemed. But-

"Why Umbria?"

"I have a job for you." Her boss man, former/current lover sent. Oh, she deflated, a job. Well, things had been quiet, not really, but certainly in comparison to the whirlwind her last nine months had been.

"Ok, how do you want me to book the flight, what exact dates?'"

"Already booked it." She'd be pissed, but she knew somebody else had done it at his nod. He'd pitched an idea, nobody had a better one, or big enough balls to counter him, he got a yellow light from her, nod, boom, done.

In some ways it was very good to be Harry Styles, in others it was a lot of pressure. But he was easing into himself as he was allowed to be just that, himself, and follow his own lead, build his own brand.

She'd watched it over the course of tour, him stepping back from social media and his sex appeal and his cheek to find it again, anew, as he got more comfortable. And she got to be his eyes, or lens. It was a rush.

A rush she'd been missing acutely. That's what had been missing. Something was playing on the back of her mind most days. She also may miss the family they had all become, the Harry Styles Circus. Full of freaks and music geeks, all kind and lovely, from the top down.

She was always gonna go to Italy.  So she'd better get herself together, her go bag was empty right now, she had nothing for a few weeks when her next tour picked up. It needed to be stocked. Maybe slightly differently than her average weekend job.

As she packed, well, it was still hot in Italy she assumed, and he said weekend, and work, but gave her very little details, so she slipped in a few things, her trainers, trackies, a tank. And also a few sundresses, some lacy pink things. In case.

She'd let it be known she wanted him, but follow his lead. Helene loved being on his lead.

A lot could happen in several weeks though. She'd been busy, dated, been dicked, been disappointed. That was down to Harry, too. As her life had sorta revolves around him for a while, and her pussy seemed to want to too.

Henri was a frequent partner. Safe, fun, no drama. She'd come back from a disappointing date and called her fall back friend. They were both casual about it and could hook up and remain friends. They'd been doing it since art school. It had always scratched her itch.

But, his eyes were blue, a pretty blue, and he didn't have dimples, and his dirty blond hair was straight and though she'd always loved his body, he was softer than she'd like, and bulky above her.

His dick too. It didn't feel like it used to. Like more than enough. She didn't come, and dammit, she expected to now.

Harry might have ruined her.

She knew no other tour would feel as crazy beautiful while also family fun after that one- but she didn't know he'd risen other expectations too.

Helene impatiently waited for Italian summer.

The flight was so quick, she was stumbling off the plane before she'd finished her glass of wine. And there was a man with a placard with her name. She got the hotel without an agenda though. There had been in the past a printed itinerary at the desk or in her email. Neither were present. Helene was alone in an unknown place, with no work yet, so she did what she always did, grabbed her camera, her wallet and walked.

Umbria had been idyllic from the air, Perugia awaited and promised to be a treasure. The city felt like a fortress, there on a hill with its stone walls. They must be hiding goodies behind all those rocks. She was gonna find them.

The streets were old, cobbled, like the oldest parts of Paris. Her trainers were a good choice, any kind of heel and she'd be on her ass. And walking the medieval streets were a good choice too, she wouldn't even want to be in an cab, definitely not a Nike. She'd have to tell Harry. No handy face masks in Italy though when forced to walk. But the smells and tastes might be hindered by a mask. Those were golden.

And she found treasure, red gold in a tiny wine shop. She bought a bottle to ship to Mitch and Sarah. He'd love it. And a bottle for herself since she already loved it. She'd have a glass now. Helene didn't save experiences. She tried to live them as the came. Take the picture now, eat the eclair, drink the wine, fuck the boss. These were her raison d'etre. It's how she found herself alone in Umbria on two day's notice.

And there was a lot to find to capture momentarily in Umbria. Beauty in the air, literally. The light glowed. The air here danced, the sun was a presence, everything had a golden hue.

Whatever she was shooting would be like a constant golden hour, less filters and fiddling needed. It made her excited.

She took so many pictures come for herself, waited on Instagram. Was flipping through them as she walked into the hotel.

"Helene!" She heard Jeff's voice go up and her feet picked up speed quickly. Where Jeff was Harry was, or vice versa. Almost always.

"Jeff!" She kissed his cheeks and he bear hugged her, and he caught her looking for Harry immediately.

"He's already up in his room, this is kinda an incognito trip for now. We don't want too many people to know where we are exactly. Did he tell you that?" Jeff knew she liked her instastories.

"No, but I was using the big guns, the light is so pretty here. I didn't really use the phone, or take any video. I was caught up, lucky." She smirked and he smiled back.

"So what are we being sneaky about?" She asked when Jeff got distracted handling some logistics.

"Well, Harry's got this Gucci thing."

Helene made a face, then what was she here for? Gucci would have contracted their own photog.

"You're here because Harry requested you for behind the scenes stuff, in case he wants to use it for his next, who knows, he seems to have an idea." Jeff was good at mind reading, face reading.

Part of Helene hoped the idea was to fuck her in a new place, but it would be weird to be paid for it. Not so weird she wouldn't do it, but strange.

"I'm gonna go to my room, what's the plan for dinner?"

"Harry mentioned he wanted to sleep," they both chuckled, or course. "so I may go out, may just do room service."

"K, if you want company?" She said while she headed to the stairs.

"I'll give you a shout."

Her room was lovely, and she ran a bath to ease all the muscles from climbing the hilly streets. Once she was out, she stepped onto her balcony in her robe, she loved a good hotel robe and caught sight of curly hair and wind of garlic from the next one over. She and Harry shared a wall. He was leaning out over the balcony watching the sun go down and Helene pulled her phone from her pocket and took a picture.

By the second one, his neck had lolled around and he was looking into her lens. He wasn't smiling, not even a smirk, his lips gaped just a bit and a slick of wetness caught the light.

She caught that on camera too.

When she put the phone down, slid it against her hipbone to find the square pocket of the robe she hadn't tied tightly, she kept her eyes on him. His dimples grew then as he smiled at her and she was sorry she had put the phone away.

He looked dreamy in the Umbrian light.

"Hiya Helene, have a nice bath?" He smirked then, let his hot eyes slide over her chest, if it wasn't already red, she was sure it was now.

"Oui, it's a really big tub, you seen it?"

"Big enough for two?" His cheek heated hers.

"Not sure."

"We could test it? If you wanted..."

"Think we'd make it that far?" Helene moved her shoulders back, felt wind caress a nipple.

He looked down. "No."

"I bought a bottle of wine at this beautiful shop. I could show you tomorrow."

"Or you can come over right now. We can drink it after our bath." He bit his lip. And hers parted.

"I just had a bath."  She reminded him.

"It's a ruse, I want you to come over so I can take off your robe, Helene." His hand ran over his baggy track pants, her eyes followed, they'd lingered on his face, it was enough to wet her thighs. "Bring the wine and yourself, leave the robe if you're brave enough."

If she was brave enough? She was plenty brave. She undid the poor robe and relaxed her shoulders down. She wondered how she looked in the light.

"Don't move." He pulled his phone out and her back arched. He looked at the screen. "Now come."

She almost did.

Helene turned around and grabbed the bottle of wine and her key, carried them in one hand so she could knock.

There was no need. He had the door open and an impressed look on his face. "Ballsy!" he said with a wiggle of his mouth.

She looked at his crotch, "you'd know."

He canted his chin to the side. "Can I say what an absolute pleasure it is to see you, Helene."

Her nipples hardened to diamonds, round cut, from his gaze. Her knees were drunk. "Yeah, boss man, you're a sight for sore eyes."

"Hopefully sore thighs too." And he reached out and caught her hand and pulled her to him. His other hand caught the long hair at the back of her neck and cushioned her press against the door. He tasted like Italy, like basil and decadence and she lifted a naked leg to wrap around his clothed body. He leaned back from her and his chin caught her mouth, she opened her lips over it and he kissed the tip of her nose. It was a sweet moment before he picked her up so fast she was lightheaded.

He eased back on the couch and spread her body over the top of him. With her lips against him, her toes barely passed his knees. The immediate groping grip over her ass and his hands splitting her thighs around his hips had her forgetting how unequally they matched in height. Because the way his bulge swelled to fill the negative space between her thighs was all that was important right now. He rocked her over his hips and she unbuttoned his shirt hastily.

"Don't rip the Gucci!" He cautioned with a twinkle in his eye.

"Alessandro will give you more tomorrow," She thumbed his bottom lip.

He bit it and said, "there are these grey trousers I want."

"Harry, can we take off your trousers instead."

"Oui!" He pushed down his pants, put his fingers in her mouth which she dutifully licked, wet his tip, and spread her open. She slid down with the help of the grip he'd resumed on her cheeks.

"Ugh!" She got out when she got over the tip, raised back up over the snap of it. Tucked her hips to brush her spot inside.

When she tried to do the shallow penetration a third time, Harry shook his head, "uh-uh." and used the hands full of ass he had to push her down to the last inch.

"Fuck!" She clenched at the fullness and had barely adjusted around it when he set her rocking.

"C'mon, Helene. Take it."

Her response was to make him sit up, so she could lean back with a grip on his neck and use his hold to ride him at a gallop. "Like that?"

"Yeah, that's fucking perfect. Too perfect!" He stopped her pace. He grunted and let her bounce over him until he suddenly grabbed her hips to still them. "Hmmm, M'gonna come like that."

"C'mon, Harry, take it," She bit his bottom lip, licked the indent.

"What's gotten into you?"

"All of you, apparently!" God, he was fun in bed.

"Yeah, can you handle more?"

She narrowed eyes at him and he laughed.

Harry unseated her and slid her over his face. The full flat tongue over the ripe redness he'd exited made her pull up. That was a lot of sensation. He'd just pulled her down onto his tipped tongue, seemed to have no qualms with her motion putting his mouth at back door level. The wiggle of his tongue and the slide over her perineum and up under her hood made her shiver. "Like that!" She begged and he gave her a couple more head waggles, before splitting his fingers to fill both empty places and sucking her to orgasm.

"Fuck, fuck! Yes!" He had the craziest hit rate, she always came with him. No wonder everybody else previously adequate was now lacking.

She was still shaking when he slid her over his weeping erection, and she whined when he passed her over it a couple times, responded by gripping his hip, then got hold of his cock to angle it up, so he couldn't graze her sensitive clit again. She needed to get him inside again, that she could take.

He laughed at her move.

"Fuck you!"

"Be my guest, love." He challenged, and she leaned her body back, grabbed his knees and didn't stop when he needed her to. Just fucked him and her to completion at a rough deep rock. She'd have laid back over his legs when her arms went out had he not caught her.

The bath was big enough for two.

And the wine was so good he wanted her to show him where she bought it after the shoot the next day. "I want more of that when I don't need to worry how I'll photograph for it!"

She'd agreed to see him wine drunk and silly.

And the next day, after seeing his softer side, arms full of baby animals and her eyes full of hearts, Harry got the grey trousers and they took them for a walk around Perugia.

He did look lovely in the light, and she knew he'd noticed that she hadn't worn panties just by the look he cast down her lens. Her thighs'd be wet from it alone, let alone the hand full of rings she'd felt the clink of on her ass yesterday afternoon, but the smirks and smug look he kept giving her when she took his pictures were making her ready to find an alley, bench, streetcorner, side walk cafe table, wherever. He looked as ready too.

Her suspicion was confirmed when after a stiff breeze as she was walking in front of him in her sundress, she'd heard him groan. He'd caught up to her, his hand coasting over her ass cheeks beneath the fluttering hem.

She'd copied his signature smirk. And he'd gaped.

The next hour was a game of grab ass she loved. When they were anywhere near cover, his hand was up her dress, and she was skating away out of reach.

"Hands to yourself, boss." She'd tsked.

"Nope, don't wanna." He'd pinched her cheek then, the right low one.

Helene turned her back and brush her back against his front, but took off before he could get his hands on her.

Every time he got close, she let him touch, or she'd get close and cope her own feel, leave herself open to his hands, beringed fingers.

He got one between her legs in the back on the wine shop and she stepped on his vans to stop him. Bit her lip to keep from moaning.

Harry had them open the bottle and they gave him glasses, because he'd shipped 10 bottle, their entire stock to the azoff's and Winston's and his mum.

He'd asked where a good private place to enjoy it and a view was too.

He was boiling when they found the isolated picnic table. But he'd sat down so she could get his magnetism on film.

Taking the picture had her rolling and popping too.

The wood table top was low, but Harry hardly complained when he had to stay in a squat to get the right angle. All that exercise had to have another benefit.

She was the happy recipient.

She'd remember Umbria for more than just the light.

She'd be taking splinters home with her.

[trashkweeen-blog]

Believe Me - Yolanda Hadid

Have you ever wanted to see pictures of a housewife’s shits? I mean, not Vicki Gunvalson’s, of course, as she does not shit. As a side note, I don’t understand why this isn’t talked about more. It’s literally my favourite thing that has ever happened on any RH episode since the beginning of time. Vicki Gunvalson does not shit. First of all, she thinks it’s gross. Second of all, her body just doesn’t do it. 

The fact that Vicki Gunvalson does not ever shit is the most incredible fact I have ever learned in my life, and honestly, I think about it like at least once a week. When Vicki Gunvalson dies, her body ought to be preserved, cross-sectioned, and displayed in science museums forever. The woman who just decided it was too messy to like, get rid of the calcifying waste inside her body???? Honestly, find me a better metaphor for how Vicki lives her life. 

Aaaaaaaanyways. You know who does shit? Yolanda Hadid. I know this as a full-colour, high resolution fact because Yolanda Hadid felt the need to take photos of her deformed shits in order to prove to the world that she has Lyme. 

This is what we have brought upon ourselves. Or, rather, this is the price we must all pay for the sheer blessing of Lisa Rinna’s existence. That bitch came in hot, found a first season storyline and fucking ran with it (which is why she’s still around and miss Eileen Davidson is not, thank you). Yes, in order to gain Mama Rinna, we had to all experience the Munchausen arc, and now we have to look at Yolanda Hadid’s shits. 

Yet somehow, in a book filled with diarrhea and ass worms (worms that lived in Yolanda’s ass, of course), the biggest piece of shit around was David Foster. 

Here is a (stool) sampling of Mr. Foster’s offences:

Required Yolanda, a beautiful nymph who made him dinner every day and packed curated outfits in labeled ziplocs for his every trip, to be financially independent throughout their marriage. Just trash. If I had a wife like Yolanda, bringing me goddamn picnic baskets of lunch at work, gifting me glossy books of her bangin’ nude bod, and making me fresh lemonade from her ORCHARD, I think I’d fucking share my excessive wealth with her. The list of garbage ass husbands who encourage their wives to do the show as an exit strategy is a guest list for the seventh circle of hell.

Refused to support Yolanda’s kids from her previous marriage (you may have heard of Gigi, Bella, and Anwar?). Such fucking barf. You have a $27m house and you’re gonna be such a scrooge that you can’t support your stepchildren??????? Absolute trash of the highest order. 

Got his balls in a knot when Yolanda removed her implants because they were like, idk...LEAKING INTO HER CHEST CAVITY?????

Ended his marriage ON THE PHONE like the way you break up with your grade seven boyfriend when summer comes cause you wanna be a ho at summer camp

Told Yolanda her SICK CARD was up. Because as we all know, marriage consists of counting the other person’s hardships, and tapping out at the designated threshold. 

Honestly, there are more, but I cannot talk about David Foster for another second, other than to say that as a citizen of British Columbia, I rebuke thee and hereby excommunicate your trash ass from our beautiful province you horrible shit monster. 

K. That’s done. Let’s talk about the ass worms. 

The whole crux of the book is that this poor woman felt compelled to prove to the world that she was sick. This is a legit problem. Women are so often misdiagnosed or placated when reporting pain and chronic symptoms to doctors. It’s a thing, and it’s awful. There are so many instances throughout this book where men tell Yolanda that she’s making herself sick by working too hard, or assume that Bella is lazy because chronic fatigue isn’t real. it’s garbage, and it sucks. 

Now, I get that neurological Lyme is like, a controversial diagnosis and whatever. But you know what:

What I do know is that this woman shit out a series of long worms, ass worms, worms from her ass. And I know this because she took pictures of them. So, like, yeah, she’s sick. I don’t think you can give yourself ass worms by “working too hard for your little woman body”. So, I believe you, Yolanda. 

THAT BEING SAID. These rich white women have GOT to stop promoting “alternative” treatments for serious illnesses. Rinna had a point in all the Munchausen mess, which was that Yolanda was trying every possible treatment under sun all at once. Overlapping antibiotic rounds with detox centres, sketch as hell blood oxidizing in questionable Mexican alleys. And like, whatever. If no one is taking you seriously, and all you can do is get colonics and stand in industrial freezers, then sure. What else have you got?

But you know what’s not cool? Referring everyone you fucking meet to the same Lyme doctor, who diagnoses literally every person alive with Lyme, and then sends them through a suite of expensive alternative treatments by the same doctors. This is a goddamn racket, and these doctors are making a killing off all these gullible patients who think getting their dental fillings removed is gonna cure them. A lot of this gets uncomfortably close to Jenny McCarthy, anti-vax territory.  

Please do not tell normal, middle class, suffering people that the answers lie in essential oils, illegal stem cell procedures, starving yourself with lemonade, and doing ayahuasca and mushrooms in Bali. This is bad advice. 

Overall, this book was gross as hell and I did not enjoy reading it. It made me sad that women’s pain is so diminished that books like this exist. It made me mad that David Foster exists. It honestly made me not want to be a millionaire if it turns people into the kind of lunatics who bottle and preserve their own bodily disgustingments for research because when you’re rich, people tell you that’s acceptable behaviour. If a poor person did that, she’d be on several TLC shows and none of them good. 

I truly hope that there is less diarrhea in the next book I read. Like, what an effort to get me to a point where looking at Simon Van Kempen in leather pants would be a reprieve. 

Quick Stats:

Pages: 312

Did it need to be that many pages?: NOOOOOOOOO so much diarrhea. 

Did it change my mind about the housewife?: Ugh. Like, not really? Who could ever dislike Yolanda?

Real-ass book rating: 📖📖/5 (It’s like, heartfelt and genuine, and kudos to Yolanda for writing through impaired brain functioning, and for being so candid, but it just kinda reads like a series of sad blog posts cobbled together with instagram screenshots.)

Junk food book rating: 💎💎/5 (like yeah, there’s some shade thrown at Kyle Richards, which I’m like, all about. But a good beach read has more shade than diarrhea.)

[mindwideopen]

I’m looking for a job in satirical journalism, and I live in Chicago. Hot dog! Looky loo! (Not Lucy liu) Here’s a newspaper that is straight up my comic sensibility alley! The much loved and revered, “the onion”! This is great! I’ll just cobble together some writing samples and oop.... uh oh.... read this:

Oh no.... and this:

Well, I guess that answers that. Exclusion. Hey onion, I have a fantastic....

NO!

But...

NO! We will throw your shit AWAY!

To be fair to “the onion” there’s most likely a ton of nut balls like me, who come up with what they deem to be “comedy gold” all the time, and it probably gets old. Lots of dad jokes. Lots of silly aunt petunia pickle bottoms out there that had their brush with fame in the local community theaters back in aught aught, and now they are the resident experts in the funny. But there are people out there, that may have a decent idea or two, that deserve a chance, and don’t know how to get their foot in the door with this writing thing. And it kinda puts a wet piece of lettuce on your passion part below the belt; all this instant rejection prior to the “try to apply”. And yes, they have job openings every once in a while, so try back then.

No. An answer that an actor hears, or doesn’t hear until they see the show or commercial on the air WITHOUT them in it. I was an actor/singer/jack of most trades for a good 15 years here in Chicago, and to me, a “No” never got easier. It got more and more frustrating as time went on. And as much as I hate to admit it, my “no”, came first.

When I read this initially, I was pissed. “Oh, no?! Oh! Ok! Well guess what, onion, you stink! Yeah! Onions smell like someone’s B.O. and all the rest, and you know what? I don’t even eat onions, cause my husband hates them, and I’ve avoided them for so long that now when I try to eat them, I get agita, so no to you first, onion! Ok? Yeah! You don’t say no to me, cause I, yes, i, the small egoic i, say no, to YOU, so go stick that in your armpit and blow it out your onion hole!”

George Carlin: oh man.... Kari?

Kari: oh shit....

Carlin: Kari, you are single handedly alienating yourself from every creative group in this country...

Kari: actually it’s the world, i went after the good folks of Monty python, and I’m gonna do a piece on, “the thunder from down under” an all Australian male strip show that I can’t be a part of either, cause I don’t have a peep.

Carlin: ok, Kari, seriously, what is with you?

Kari: I’m feeling lonely and left out of the comedy world. It’s been at least 12 years since I quit acting, and I’ve been mad ever since. And I was told by someone in the biz that the best I can hope for is to be a secretary or bit part on one of the Chicago shows; Chicago Hope, Chicago fire, Chicago this, Chicago that, Chicago, the movie...

Richard Pryor:... already made, you missed that shit.

Kari: see?! I miss out on everything!

Carlin: Kari, do you want to do any of that?

Kari: well, I’d like to think I could, but probably not.

Carlin: well ok! Then leave that to the people who want to do it. What do you want to do?

Kari: i..... dooooont....knooooowwww!!! Waaaaaaaaa.... (cries like Lucy from I love Lucy. Again, NOT Lucy liu, unless she’s cries like that)

Carlin: ok, then how about figuring that out before you burn every bridge you don’t even cross yet.

Richard: she’s burned all the bridges, and the buildings, and allll the shit. Kari is maaadddd. She’s more “Carrie” than the movie “Carrie” by Stephen King...

Kari: He’s also like gayle king, a man who needs to clarify his last name! I can’t get past the cover of any of his novels! Stephen King who? Which king? One of the kings in a deck of cards? Elvis? King Louie from jungle book?! Who?!

Richard: ok, Kari this is our point. You are not ok with success.

Kari: I’m not?

Carlin: no! You yell about the stupidest shit, really! How do you expect to get a job at “the onion” when you have already written them off as “exclusive”? You haven’t even looked to see if they’re asking for submissions.

Kari: again, I’m not sure.. any suggestions?

Richard: well, you write your own shit, but you are not known, so going after people, seems mean.

Kari: um, you both did it.

Carlin: yes, but we came up during a different time, Kari. And we had friends and collaboraters.

Richard: I talked about stealing my shit on the tonight show. I stole Bill Cosby’s shit before I did my own shit. So just steal someone’s shit!

Kari: I can’t steal someone’s shit! I’d be horrible doing someone else’s shit!

Carlin: Kari, you were an actor, you were paid to do other people’s shit...

Kari: yes, but I don’t want to steal their shit!

Jerry stiller: Kari, to date you owe the king of queens $8 million dollars in back quotes. You love us.

Kari: yes, I do. You currently in production?

Jerry: no.

Kari: ok then! I didn’t even have an LA agent... so I wasn’t even able to be considered. oh man... I’m totally depressed...

Carlin: ok, Kari, maybe we shouldn’t discuss this subject for awhile, ok? Lay off the concept of collaboration for a bit. What do you like?

Kari: I like the concept of working with like minded people.

Richard: well, you have us...

Kari: yes, but I mean here in the 3d world. Someone who’s not me.

Richard: good point.

Carlin: ok, well you want like minded or people who like your comedic sensibility and can build from that with you.

Kari: yes. And I want to laugh. A lot.

Carlin: yes, laughing is good, we haven’t done much of that as of late.

Kari: yes. And I want to have the freedom to write whatever I want, as crazy and as silly as I want to be, and I want people to act it out. And I want the people to be sweet, and cooperative, and kind, and supportive, and good natured, and all the good stuff that makes for a good collaboration.

Carlin: great! How about money?

Kari: yes. I’d like that too. A shit ton of it. & I want to feel like I belong. I’m tired of feeling like someone on the outside peeping in at the nude people on the inside...

Richard: oh shit...

Carlin: ok, Kari. Do us a favor, and focus on what you do want, and not on what you find wrong with everyone. The world doesn’t hate you. Some people may, and if you keep this shit up, you will get everyone to hate you. That’s what your negative beliefs do. They fuck your shit up. They have you acting a fool. And then you wonder why people are afraid of you, cause you end up making your nightmares come true.

Freddy Krueger: yesss! You’re mine now, bitchy woman....

Kari: ok, you know whuuuut? I will take your jello 1,2,3 face and body and separate you into different jello cups, and chill you for 2 hours, and then I will as ready whip, and I will have the dog in “nightmare on elm street 4” eat your jello ass as a parfait, ok?! Don’t you ever talk to me like that again, you wormy piece of liver and onions, ok? Good...

Freddy: oh shit... even I’m afraid of her...

Carlin: Kari, be cool, ok? Watch the stooges (not iggy pop’s band, but the 3 nut balls) and relax. Things will start looking up, give it time.

Kari: fine, but I’m not into this exclusivity, shit.

Groucho marx: she does want to be a part of a club who will have her as a member. I don’t share in that opinion, but she does. Maybe that’s why no one will have her. Her jello 1,2,3 is made of Freddy Krueger’s ass.

Richard: Scene. 🤣

[uglymanchronicles]

UMC:R Chapter 3: Reinstall

Exposition time!  This one gets a bit gory in places, so be forewarned if that sort of thing gets to you.

“Monsters exist.”

It was, by all means, a useless statement.  It sounded stupid.  It sounded like something a little kid telling a ghost story would say, or something one of those wannabe Banksy types would spraypaint on the side of a police station or something.  But, nonetheless, an electric shiver, so potent that it made his breath catch in his throat, ran through his body.  

Because it was him saying it to himself.  He knew his own tells, his own voice… he was being sincere. While it was possible this was all a trick, that password…

“I don’t mean that in a metaphorical sense.  You’ll probably eventually notice some big scars on your back. Those are from a wendigo.  Or is it pronounced when-dee-go? I don’t know, not the point.  Superhumanly strong cannibalistic former humans.  Tough, but they still die if you cut their heads off. Try not to freak out when you see the skull in the bedroom.”

“WHAT.”

“So yeah, there’s all kinds of really bad things out there.  I’ve kept notes.  But there’s also so many good things!”  Old Evan’s eyes lit up and he scooted forward on the chair.  “New things we couldn’t have imagined!  Things outside of physics!  New sciences!  Actual, real magic!  I saw a guy actually jump over a building! Superpowers exist! And here’s the best part: I’ve—shit, we’ve—got one!”

Evan felt his face slacken into an expression of incredulous confusion as the recorded Evan stood up and walked towards the camera. His form loomed over it and ate up most of the frame, but he held the fingertip of his right hand up in front of the lens.

“Watch this.”

From offscreen, a small knife appeared and Evan watched himself drag the blade across his own fingertip. There was an irritated-sounding hiss of discomfort—Jesus, he was cutting deep! His past self shook out his hand, then held up the wounded digit to the camera.

Evan covered his mouth in shock as he realized how bad the cut was. The other him’s bone was visible through the pooling blood. It would require stitches, at least! But…

He looked down at his own, present-time finger. Aside from familiar little cuts, calluses, and blemishes that had been there for years, there was no sign that anything was amiss. Even if this happened months ago, there would still be a scar from it, surely! But there was nothing new.

“Look, here it goes.”

His attention was drawn back to the screen by his own voice. The gashed finger was still front and center, but something was different.

The blood was barely flowing any more. The bone wasn’t visible. As Evan watched, the wound began to visibly narrow, the skin creeping along the edge of the cut like a time-lapse video of lichen growing on a rock. When the opposite edges of the cut grew closer, raw pink skin grew across the gap. Evan swore he could see fibers of skin reach across and connect to the other side. In less than a minute, all that was left of a pretty serious self-inflicted wound was some slightly discolored skin and a scab that looked like it was days old.

“I don’t know why I’m like this, but I don’t think it’s something new,” Old Evan said, sitting back in the chair and idly picking at the skin. “Remember all the times we got hurt and it didn’t seem as bad as it should have been? Getting gored and stomped on by that bull? Getting lost in the woods and finding our way out with that broken leg? The cancer surgery? All the shit Mary did to us? We heal! We heal fast! And from a lot of stuff, too…”

Vid-Evan paused, sounding slightly troubled. “Look, I’m not sure how strong this is yet, but… okay, if you haven’t yet, you’re going to notice there’s a gigantic, awful-looking scar right here on the left side of your…our…dammit, these tenses are fucking me up. Here.” He ran his fingers along his left side, a few inches below his pectoral… right where the mangled hoodie had been repaired.  “I can’t go into all the details, but someone I was hanging out with got…enchanted, mind controlled, something like that.  It didn’t work on me for some reason, but I’d probably have been better off if it did, because he came after me.  And he was a HUGE guy, plus he had superhuman strength, so... I didn’t stand much of a chance.  After he beat me down, he took this huge ax he carried around and…” The recording pantomimed an overhand swing.  “If I hadn’t rolled he’d have split me in half.  As it was, the cut stopped just a couple inches from my spine. Organs pulped, bones shattered… I was out in seconds.  I woke up about an hour later and, well, it still hurt and my shirt was ruined, and I got a MASSIVE scar from it, but…” he spread his hands in front of him.  “I was alive.  Breathing, blood pumping, the whole nine yards.  And that’s not all.  I’ve been shot a few times, stabbed, clawed, punched by things a lot stronger than people… it heals in less than a day.  I don’t know why some of them leave scars and some don’t, but… well, let’s just say we’re not gonna win any beauty pageants.  Sorry.”

 The image on the screen raised his hand to his cheek, and Evan suddenly felt a deep sadness coming from his doppelganger.  He could see something sparkling in his own blue eyes, and realized it was the backlight reflecting off his tears.  The recording took a deep, shaky breath, and continued.

 “Look, I have to get to the point.  There’s a lot of bad shit out there, but there’s a lot of good, too, and I want to be a part of it.  With all the things we know, the things we know how to do… with the right tools, we could really make a difference.  Save people from things they can’t protect themselves from.  But don’t just hunt things down if they’re not hurting anyone. Everything’s got a right to exist as long as they don’t impede on that right of others, right? And go out and make the world better, don’t just fight, y’know?  We’ve always had big ideas.  We’ve got money, we know how to fight.  And we were bored, just tooling around staying out of trouble.  Let’s put all our skills and talents to good use, yeah?  Um…”  

 Film-Evan’s gaze drifted away from the camera.  He pursed his lips and shifted his jaw, twisting his expression as he seemed to struggle with what to say next.   After a few seconds of silence, he reached behind himself and pulled something out of the back pocket of his pants.  He stared down at it for a few moments, then held it up.

“Just being able to heal fast won’t be enough to make a difference, though.  I’ve built some weapons and gathered supplies—there’s an inventory on this computer—but this is the key to us really making this whole thing work.”  

It was a small, worn-looking book, bound in faded leather with a cover decorated with several small inset beads.  It wasn’t much bigger than the average paperback novel and a little over an inch thick, and some of the pages were clearly made of different materials than others.  It had a distinctly cobbled-together look, but the man on the screen ran his fingers over the cover with something resembling reverence.  

“This thing’s had a lot of names, but in more recent times it’s referred to as the Book of Fate.  Kinda cliché, I know, but it’s the real deal.  This thing is both the instruction manual and a key reagent for a magical ritual that’s been in development for centuries.  No, make that millennia.  And, like, tons of cultures.  Most of this thing isn’t in English.  Some of it is later translations, but… anyway, a whole lot of people have been working on this thing for a very long time, but it’s never actually been cast.  Performed. Whatever.

“But what this thing is intended to do, as far as I’ve been able to decipher, is to give the, uh, ‘target’ probably isn’t the right word, but you get what I mean, right?  The target of the ritual.  It’s supposed to give them the ability to develop their own… powerset?  God, it feels weird to use that term to refer to a real thing, but that’s the gist of it.  It’s a bit vague on how, but… well, I always wanted to be the first one to try to do something, didn’t I?  We? Fuck.

“Anyway, I don’t have time to explain everything here, but I’ve got tons of notes and personal research stashed away on this computer, and there’s backups in the filing cabinet in the bedroom if something happens. I’ve gathered most of the ingredients for the ritual, and I’ve got all the steps written down.  Do it.  Go through with it.  And after that, well, don’t worry.  Trouble will find you.

“So why am I telling you this instead of you just remembering it? Well, I can’t go into any details beyond I learned something literally dangerous.  Just me having the knowledge in my head has the potential to make something very bad happen.  So I have to get rid of it.”

The recorded Evan stood up and pulled the cloth off the chair.  The chair was huge, made of dark wood, and clearly very heavy. The angle of the lens cut off the bottom of the legs, but Evan thought he could see angle brackets anchoring the bulky thing to the floor. There were straps, made of leather even more aged and ragged than the book’s cover, on the arms and legs of the chair. Attached to the top was a strange colander-shaped device studded with wires, lights, and glass tubes filled with several colors of liquid. Topping it off was what seemed to be the innards of a power drill, tipped with a strangely gleaming bit and angled to point straight down towards the top of the wearer’s head.

Evan suddenly felt a wave of nausea as the twice forces of confusion and understanding smashed into each other in his brain. He suddenly knew what he was about to witness. He realized why his head was so empty. He knew the path he’d set himself on and was, in a sort of giddy, manic way, excited about what he’d told himself. He knew everything he needed to know. But he couldn’t stop watching. He didn’t even realize he’d been squeezing Mr. Nex like a stress ball until his knuckles cracked from the force. He could hear himself on the recording: “blah blah combination of drugs and corrosive chemicals blah blah specially coated enchanted drill bit blah blah many calculations blah lots of expert help blah blah prevent regenerating brain tissue from retaining recent memories blah blah reset pattern of consciousness upon completion of healing process blah”, but Evan was focusing on very gently setting Mr. Nex out of his arm’s reach. If what he thought was coming was indeed coming, he was worried that he might accidentally pulp the stuffed giraffe between his fingers.

After setting his old friend well out of reach on the passenger’s seat, Evan sat back down in the kitchen just as his recorded self finished strapping himself to the awful machine. There was a small remote control clenched in the shaking fingers of his left hand, and his head had been fixed in place by several thick straps.  He locked eyes with the camera again.  

“I’ve been wondering if this counts as me actually dying, since this portion of my consciousness won’t be sustained.  I honestly haven’t come to an answer, but…” Decisively, he thumbed the button.  The drill began to whir.  Somewhere off-camera, something large and volatile crackled to life.  “Fortune favors the bold!” The vials on the helmet started to bubble and drain.  Already shaking slightly from the electric charge, Film-Evan reached out with his tongue and pulled a block of wood on a string between his teeth.  Evan watched his own eyes bulge and start to roll wildly. The drill had hit bone.  

Since his head was strapped in place and largely obscured by the helmet and bandages, there wasn’t much to watch.  The sound was the bad part.  The former Evan was screaming as the bit ground noisily through his skull, the gag doing little to muffle the sound.  The machinery, the screaming, the wet crunching of pulverizing bone—it all blended together into a nightmarish vomit of noise, and Evan realized he was screaming, too, a low, guttural scream, one of low volume and pitch but utterly panicked intensity.

 The background noise suddenly stopped and Evan found his scream lowering to a drawn-out groan. His digital counterpart had stopped screaming and the drill had gone silent; as he watched, the machine slowly withdrew the bit, dripping with blood and pink-gray pulp, from his own ruined skull. The other him groaned softly and spit out the gag, his eyes struggling to focus on the camera. Though blood was leaking from his mouth, he managed to grin. His lips trembling, he took a breath and slurred weakly:

“It’ll be worth it. We’re going to make a real difference. We’ll be a force to be reckoned with, I just know it. I believe in myself. I believe in you.”

He’d just taken another breath, perhaps to try to continue his inspiring farewell, but suddenly the lights on the helmet lit up and there was a soft sound of liquid sloshing. A split second of a sharp hissing was audible, then old-Evan shrieked as wisps of smoke began to rise from the top of this head. The scream was so sudden, so shrill, so agonized, and so ear-piercingly loud that it only lasted for a couple seconds before a hideous gurgling-tearing noise preceded the noise lowering to a hoarse wail.

Despite what he’d seen thus far, the scream took Evan by surprise. He involuntarily jerked backwards, the chair’s legs caught, and he toppled over backwards. Luckily, the corner of the kitchen counter was waiting to break his fall, and graciously did so with a tap to the back of the head. Pain surged from the impact, but was rapidly overtaken by surging, suffocating darkness.

Just before it all went black, Evan found himself thinking:

Well, I’ve had worse.

[wtf-dirk-strider]

Some memories (could be very triggering so proceed with caution)

~i got to see and ride a horse for the first time a few weeks after the game ended ~i'm pretty sure jake was there but he didn't ride with me ~it was honestly one of the best things. just the best things. ~i had a huge smile plastered on my face the whole time ~i took off running as soon as i felt secure enough to even though ~i'm pretty sure i threw off my glasses at some point or another. it was beautiful. ~we ran till horse and i were exhausted ~later on, a few months or so, we'd already settled into our new lives ~i'd started working on a proper robotic body on hal because i felt horribly guilty and horrible over what i did to him (i killed him before he could become a sprite) ~a few pieces of it were taking shape but it was mostly bits and pieces, i wanted to make it perfect, and as human like as possible ~the guilt quickly was starting to get to me ~i felt was overcome with the urge to cut, though i had promised dave during the game that i would stop ~i grab a box cutter from my work table and start pacing ~shortly after i hear the door open and jake come in ~he comes down and finds me and looks a little suspicious but doesn't say anything ~i put the box cutter down ~when i ask why he's home he says he just thought he'd stop by and have lunch here ~at that point we were standing pretty close and part of me wanted to kiss him but i shove that thought down, i wasn't supposed to still have thoughts like that ~we go up to the kitchen, he brought some salad with him and i cobble something together involving doritos, orange soda and something i had to microwave ~ when it's done i sit at the table across from jake ~he makes a comment on my shit food and except for a little chatter here and there we eat in silence ~i kind of pick at my food, not eating much. jake makes a comment about that and tells me that he's noticed me not eating as much as i should ~i get defensive, we argue a bit, but neither of us are willing to budge, and i am not having it i down my orange soda, pick up my plate and shove my food down the garbage disposal ~i'm back to working in hal when jake leaves a little while later, he makes a comment about me needing to eat more but i pretended too absorbed in my work to notice ~later that day, i'm still working on hal, and i'm getting frustrated and terrified because, honestly, i have no idea what i’m doing with this thing, let alone if it will work ~it quickly gets overwhelming and i reach for the box cutter, and this time there's no one there to stop me. ~I started cutting my arms then eventually began writing things on them, stuff like “manipulator” and “abuser” but i'm having a hard time spelling all that, with all the blood i'm losing ~I slump against a wall ajacent to my work table ~I started cutting my stomach/chest, the cuts are long and sloppy ~Jake finds me when he comes home from work and he panics ~He says he needs to get help, but I make him promise to only call dave ~he's leaning in close again, his eyes are so pretty, seriously they're fucking gorgeous, and part of me wants to kiss him again but like the last time i push the thought away ~i black out after that and have some nightmares about the game like about ~ when i wake up i'm in my room and dave is there in his god tier robes which he'd taken to wearing fairly often after the game ~ we talk. he reminds me that i promised to stop, i say i know and apologize, he tells me i can't keep doing this, i curl into a ball say i know and apologize ~he gives me a sort of a side hug and comforts me for a while, he leaves to give me some space after i calm down ~When i leave my room and go down to my workspace find that all my stuff for hal is gone ~while i'm wondering what the shit it's going on Roxy and jade come in asking about the kind of pancakes or whatever i want ~I really didn't want sweets ~I suddenly realize that this must mean jake didn't just call dave and i kinda head up the stairs, kinda pissed, and ask what's going on ~despite being madi’m sort of glad to see roxy she's always been a good friend to me ~Dave steps in and says it was him who called the others over ~I start to calm down ~I ask roxy and jade about where all the stuff ~They told me that i wasn’t really going to be allowed to work with it for a while till i got better ~Rose was also staying with us while i was recuperating ~i started pouring myself into my music and payed attention to little else ~ a few months passed and I wasn't getting better ~ more months pass i'm not under constant surveillance anymore and less people stay with me and jake mainly roxy and dave and i think rose, my family wait i think jade still may have been there ~I'm not getting better but im stable ~They brought me back to the stables one day to ride that horse from my first time riding in hopes it would cheer me up ~It was okay but i still felt hollow ~They let me work on hal again ~It's late or technically very early ~The cuts from before are healed and have become bumpy scars ~Everyone else is asleep ~I think about what i did to hal and jake ~Everyone else is asleep ~I'm making progress on hal’s body but i get overwhelmed again ~I think about what i did to hal and jake, I am a prince of heart for a reason, I never finished my “quest” which would supposedly help me control this inclination to destroy the people around me, as i am I’m just going to keep hurting people ~At this point i can't bring myself to care about living ~I start heading to jake's room hoping that maybe my recognition as a god was enough to void my immortality ~I know the combination to jake's gun safe so i unlock it and take out one of the guns ~I make sure it's loaded properly, Jake taught me how to use a gun like this once ~I take it and walk into the kitchen ~I briefly feel guilty for what i'm about to do ~I shoot myself on the right side of my head ~I don't die ~I regenerate ~Everyone is awake now ~They are all staring at me horrified ~Im frozen ~Dave approaches me ~We talk ~my words are stilted as i briefly try to divulge my thoughts ~I can't take them staring at me ~I go to my room ~Dave fallows and makes it in before i slam the door shut ~We try to talk but it devolves to me clinging to him sobbing and ranting that i wanted to die and that immortality was a curse and every hateful thing i thought about myself ~He tries to comfort me ~We end up falling asleep ~A year or two later also i finally finishing hal's proper body and somehow successful in restoring his consciousness after i basically killed him ~i think he ended up forgiving me and i kinda ended up finding a sort of purpose in taking care of him ~i eventually talked to jake about all my fucked up feelings involving him but i don't remember much about that

[fearofaherobrine]

Roleplay Server Log #155

“Alexis the Sleeper, Talk of Coronations”

-Before long the castle comes into view. Steve is outside in the garden picking cocoa pods.

[Herabrine] Sneaks up on him and hits him with a little ball of water.

[Steve] YOW! That's cold! Herabrine!

[Herabrine] snickers. -Where's Doc?

[Steve] Creep - Is patting himself off with a wool square- Look up.

-The big yellow dragon is laying like a limp ribbon, draped over the corner of the castle roof with hir tail hanging down.

[Herabrine] Lazy ass.

[Steve] Hey, xe was up all night. They usually are.

[Stevie] Comes from the direction of the carrots carrying a web root- Other Steve! Look what I found!

[Steve] Oh hey, let me see that. This is a really special plant Stevie. It's actually a type of medicine. Don't ever eat these okay?

[Stevie] - Okay!

[Herabrine] I remember those. They do weird shit.

[Steve] Yeah it has some side effects. They still work though.

[Stevie] Sees Alexis- Hi pretty lady!

[Alexis] - Hi Stevie!

[Steve] We've had some fun, he stayed the night and we mined together. Show Alexis what you found Stevie.

[Herabrine] And now you're gardening. Wheee....

[Stevie] Pulls out a bit of gold, lapis, red stone, and a lot of coal and cobble- See!

[Alexis] - Wow, that's a good haul!

[Herabrine] Mimes a yawn

[Steve] He killed a big spider too.

[Alexis] - That's so awesome! Good job!

[Stevie] - It was super big!

[Herabrine] So if I throw something at Doc, what do you think the chances are they'll fall off the roof?

[Steve] Don't do that....

[Alexis] - Well we kinda need them to give me a once over...

[Herabrine] Whatever. I'll just give em a good poke. - Flies up and gives Doc a hard shove on the snout.

[Doc] Meeeeeehhhhh Whaaat? WHOAH! - Xe flops sideways and manages to catch hirself on the random protrusions of cobble on the walls

[Doc] Slides slowly down to the ground ripping down a ton of vines and flopping on the patio - Whhhhhhhyyyyy?

[Herabrine] You're needed.

[Stevie] Giggles-

[Steve] Shakes his head. - Brines.

[Alexis] - Hello Doc

[Doc] Yawns, xe curls around into a snaky knot and changes back into hir human shape before flopping down on the bench under the giant mushroom- Something on your mind Alexis?

[Alexis] - Well I was wondering if you could go over my code. I was with the other Alex's today and it dawned on us that there could be something harmful in my code

[Doc] Is a now a bit more awake - Harmful how?

[Alexis] - Uh, well you see, I was made by the NOTCH that tried to remove CP

[Doc] Shit.... really? Do you think.. you were made as some kind of distraction for Stevie?

[Herabrine] No I think she might be programmed to stab Cp in the back if she tries to ally with him. She seems predisposed to hate brines.

[Alexis] - What Stevie and I were told was that I was to be a companion for him. and it's more like I can't let go of hate if someone done something harmful to me

[Doc] Well there's nothing wrong with having emotions. Lots of people find it hard to forgive.

[Herabrine] That's bullshit, but it explains a lot. Do you actually love him? Or you just think you should?

[Steve] Was listening in- Our Alexsezia came second too, but she was supposed to be a more perfect being then the Steves. She was supposed to be entirely self-sufficent.

[Doc] That would explain why the other Alex's are ace, but you aren't, Alexis.... If find out that you're just programmed to love him, do you want that removed?

[Alexis] - I... I don't know...

[Doc] I can't make that decision for you Alexis. I feel bad sometimes that Deerheart is in that same boat, but I have to believe her love for me is real because she was generated as a response to the love I was already giving to what created her.

[Alexis] - I was told I was a companion, that doesn't mean lover all the time. So maybe my love is real?

[Herabrine] You've been alone for a long time now, are you content at all?

[Steve] I was made to be a companion too Alexis, but my love took time to grow. We didn't even know it was the case until later.

[Alexis] - No, I'm not content, my heart hurts without him...

[Stevie] - You're hurt?

[Steve] Sometimes when people hurt Stevie, it's not visible. They just feel sad and it's uncomfortable.

[Doc] Then I'll just take a look - Xe puts down a command block and moves one of Alexis hands onto the surface to begin scanning her

[Doc there's a sudden widening of hir eyes that only Hera spots and xe quickly copies a file from Alexis's code and deletes the original before anyone else sees.

[Herabrine] Gives Doc a hard stare.

[Doc] Well, there's not much here, I think your problem is mostly emotional. It's hard to forgive and forget. I do know one thing that will make you feel better though. - types- Deerheart can I borrow your Shaymin? I'm outside near BEN's old froom.

[Deer] - I'm on my way

[Deer] Arrives with Shaymin in her arms-

[Doc] Thank you my love. Now this little dude has shown all kinds of talent for reclaimation. Try holding them Alexis, see how you feel.

[Alexis] Gently takes Shaymin- I already feel calmer

[Steve] Hedgehog bush. That little critters so cute.

[Doc] It wouldn't hurt you to visit Sweet Alex and bug her for one of her magick hugs either.

[Alexis] - I wouldn't want to intrude...

[Herabrine] BAH. She loves company.

[Stevie] Is picking some flowers-

[Doc] She's right, Gk never sleeps there, but he's over there constantly, Enderbro too.

[Herabrine] That's cause he prefers sleeping in his dragon form even if he has to do it outside.

[Doc] Well it is comfy.... It's much harder to accidentally get in a pose where you wake up cramped and sore.

[Alexis] Is feeling very calm holding the Pokemon-

[Stevie] Ruins back over with s handful of flowers and holds them out to Alexis- Here you go pretty lady!

[Steve] Kinda looks like he might cry.

[Doc] Stevie... could you come over here? I want to give you a quick once over too. Just put your hand here.

[Alexis] Smiles at Stevie and takes the flowers- Thank you Stevie

[Stevie] Looks at Doc- Okay!- He runs over and puts his hand down

[Doc] Run a quick scan and then does it again before speaking- Okay, your code is clean, and you're healthy as a horse. Thank you Stevie, you can go play some more.

[Stevie] - Yay!- He runs off to play by the pond

[Doc] Casually- Has anyone seen Cp today?

[Herabrine] Yeah, he's banging Lie.

[Doc] well then.

[Alexis] Blushes a little, remembering what they saw-

[Alexis] - Hera had quite the laughing fit over it

[Herabrine] He was naked and angry, it was funny as fuck.

[Doc] Seen that one a few times myself.

[Alexis] - I mean, he's really not that bad to look at...

[Doc] Turns a bit pink - well... he is good in bed. Not nearly as nice as being with someone who actually loves me, but technically proficent.

[Herabrine] What the fuck Doc?!

[Steve] Last to know huh Herabrine?

[Deer] - Lie was there too

-Above them an honesty flitter is sunning itself on the remains of the vines-

[Doc] Yeah, but I didn't do anything with her, she was just.... on me. - Turning red-

[Alexis] - I have thought about trading Stevie with the thought I'd a threesome's with either one of them... Not exactly sure how it would work...

[Doc] You want to fuck Cp? He's awfully territorial. He was more okay with me violating his rump them touching his wife.

[Alexis] - I SAID TEASING! NOT DOING!

[Herabrine] What the hell is wrong with both of you?!

[Steve] Is looking around-

[Alexis] - I don't know... So you said my coding was okay Doc?

[Doc] OH. Yes... you're fine.

[Alexis] - Your sure there's nothing harmful there?

[Doc] Is visibly straining - No, you're fine now!

[Deer] - Are you okay love?

[Alexis] - What do you mean by now?

[Doc] I... I have to go! I'll talk to you later Alexis! - runs inside

[Herabrine] Stomps after hir-

[Alexis] - Weird...

[Stevie] - Look! Flitter!

[Steve] Narrows eyes. - hmmm... Maybe you should go check on your mate Deerheart.

[Deer] - Got it, it was good seeing you Alexis

[Alexis] - Same, take care

[Herabrine] Following Doc - Get back here dammit!

[Deer] Rushes after them-

[Doc] Darts down a ladder and into a lower room full of armor stands. Xe's panting lightly.

[Deer] Catches up to Hera- Hold on Hera, where did xe go?

[Herabrine] Down there! You go first.

[Deer] Pokes her head down- Love? What's wrong?

[Doc] Is leaning on the counter red faced and furious - I'm gonna kill that fucking NOTCH.

[Herabrine] Which one?

[Deer] - What is it love?

[Doc] It was everything in me not to tell her what that... animal did to her....

[Herabrine] Growls- what did you find? I saw that face.

[Doc] Spits the words furiously - it was two exe commands and a set of floating coordinates I recognized. Laid there when she was made. Her own fucking unwillingness to have anything to do with Cp saved her life.

[Deer] - What exactly do you mean love?

[Doc] I MEAN, I mean... geeze.... if she would have made a contract with him, and entered into his space... his agreements have their own codes to change behaviorial parameters... it would have triggered the commands.

[Herabrine] English or binary please!

[Doc] If the contract were done and she was in his inner sanctum it would have fired off the exe commands. One of them would have... deleted her. The other would have spawned a Wither on the same coordinates. Both eliminating her for being a traitor to her NOTCH and causing serious damage to CP and his base.

[Doc] I want to kill him. Just twist him up and wring every drop of code out of his miserable shape.

[Deer] - But doesn't CP control his withers?

[Doc] Not a freshly spawned one, and this was double size with the mob griefing parameters doubled as well.

[Herabrine] Is speechless.

[Deer] -Why... Why is this necessary? What would drive a NOTCH to do this?

[Doc] What would drive him to destroy a happy family?

[Deer] - Should we tell CP?

[Doc] Yes. I'm going to make good on my promise to help him. I think he'll be just as mad as I am

[Deer] - Well, perhaps we should give him a bit more time first...

[Deer] - Oh and love, it probably would have been easier to lie to Alexis if there hadn't been an honesty flitter there

[Doc] You're right as usual and it's dumb to run off half-cocked, but I am quite pissed right now.

[Herabrine] THEN we go kill him

[Deer] - But we don't know where he is

[Doc] We know he frequents Cp's server. Nether we could probably use Cp as bait.

[Deer] - He wont like that...

[Doc] He never likes anything, that's nothing new.

[Herabrine] But this guy nearly destroyed Cp. You're gonna need an army.

[Doc] But Cp already has an army and that didn't help him at all.

[Deer] - But he didn't have more brines

[Herabrine] I wonder if you could frame him for something so Slender would kick his ass for us?

[Doc] That's incredibly devious Hera.

[Deer] - Wouldn't Slender already know?

[Doc] Know about what?

[Deer] - The NOTCH

[Doc] Know what, that he hurt Cp? I have no idea. If he knows it raises the question of why Slender hasn't already killed him in retailiation for hurting CP.

[Deer] - CP could have his reasons

[Doc] To conceal his identity? You mean because he still was unsure about what had happened? Well he knows now that the person who betrayed him wasn't his real father at all, so he certainly has no reason to keep it a secret now. Unless it's just a petty revenge thing where he wants to be the one to make the kill.

[Deer] - We wont get very far speculating when we could just ask him

[Doc] Do you think they're done... having their intimate time yet? He won't tell us squat if he's angry.

[Herabrine] It's been several hours....

[Deer] - Then lets go

[Herabrine] Is already up the ladder.

[Doc] Hugs Deerheart briefly, just because xe's still upset and then follows.

[Deer] - I'll stay here to keep an eye on Stevie

[Doc] Okay, Steve probably needs a break anyway.

[Herabrine] You coming or what?

[Doc] Yeah yeah.

[Doc] Seems to be lagging behind a bit, because xe's still fuming and unsure how to tell Cp.

[Herabrine] Drags hir along faster.

[CP] Is curled around his naked and satisfied wife- Why don't you sleep?

[Lie] - No, I told you, I don't want to sleep after what I've just been through...

[CP] Huffs a little before holding his wife a bit closer- Alright, then we'll just rest like this

[Doc] Gets under the bridge and paces a few small circles thinking what to say.

[Herabrine] Yells- HEY CP!

[CP] Groans and yells back- WHAT!?

[Doc] I need to talk to you. It's important.

[CP] Groans again and slips out of the bed, pulling some pants on.  He steps out onto the bridge and looks over the edge- What is it now?

[Doc] I have to show you this. - Xe holds up a small digital file. - I.... I found it hidden in Alexis's programming.

[CP] Jumps down- In Alexis' files?

[Doc] I gave her a checkup, her first. I didn't tell her I found it. I just made a copy and deleted it from her.

[CP] - Can I see it?  Or will it set something off?

[Doc] No, It was specific to her. It won't work outside her coding.

[Herabrine] Her unwillingness to trust you may have saved both your lives Cp.

[CP] Reaches out and takes the file, he stiffens after reading over it.  A look of panic crosses his face- I need to go...

[Doc] Snags his wrist - Don't! Don't go alone. I promised to help you do this. I'm angry too, but this has been simmering for years. We need a plan.

[CP] - Doc, what about Stevie?

[Doc] I checked him. He's clean. And Endrea can't have anything or it would have fired off already. I think it was specifically designed to punish Stevie if he made up with you. To kill you and take away the help-meet that was made for him.

[CP] Still a bit panicked- Or to push us farther apart...

[Doc] Exactly. It's horrible and it makes me physically ill to think about it.

[Herabrine] Is now obviously puffed up since it was her idea to send Alexis to Doc.

[Lie] Has pulled on CP's shirt and looks over the side of the bridge- Is everything okay down there?

[Doc] No... but it's something that's been wrong for a long time and I'm just now finding out about it.

[Lie] - More Insanity stuff?

[Doc] No. Cp's NOTCH left a nasty surprise inside Alexis and I removed it.

[Herabrine] Flies up to the bridge and whispers some specifics into Lie's ear.

[Lie] - That's horrible!

[Herabrine] Yeah. I agree. I think we should shred him like bad files.

[Lie] - But if CP and his army can't do it, then we'll need help

[Doc] Scuffs a boot in the dirt. - Too bad Slender hates me...

[CP] - He wouldn't be able to help anyways.  I asked him about it when I first joined the pastas.  The amount of energy he would let off would destroy my seed and everything in it.

[Doc] I was going to ask why Slender didn't kill him for you. Could we lure him to an empty one?

[CP] - It takes him awhile to find where we've moved to whenever I've moved seed

[Herabrine] Has a horribly evil look - Does Offenderman like guys? I bet he'd like a playtoy that can't die.

[CP] - No shit he does

[Doc] Turns white as a sheet -

[CP] - You fail to understand that I have seen him fuck furniture before

[Herabrine] Nearly falls off the balcony laughing.

[CP] - But I'd rather he be destroyed

[Doc] Even you're not that mean, huh? I guess that's good to know.

[CP] - Oh no, I'd just rather be sure he'd have no way of coming back

[Herabrine] He can't come back if he's held captive in Offenders fuck-dungeon Cp!

[CP] - I'd still rather not risk it!

[Doc] Have you ever tried to take him out with a computer virus?

[CP] - Yes, didn't work

[Doc] Damn... when your army goes up against him, what do they do? Just attack him physically and directly?

[CP] - Pretty much, but I only send in my strongest and most well trained mobs

[Doc] Excuse me for a moment. - types in the chat- Endrea? Are you anywhere near Lie's house?

[Endrea] - In the library

[Doc] I need to talk to you.

[Endrea] Looks at the baby dragons with her- Umm...

[Doc] And Ashe.

[Endrea] - What do you want with my child?'

[Doc] I have a tactical question and sometimes the best way to solve a difficult problem is to ask a child.

[Endrea] - Just a moment, GK?  Can you babysit?

[GK] Is already playing with Willow and Oak. - Sure!

[Endrea] - Thank you, come on Ashe, Doc wants to see us

[willow and oak] -oak is trying to climb gk and willow is gumming his leg-

[Ashe] - Yes mama- He gets up and follows Endrea back to Lie's place

[Doc] Watches the big dragon land and walks up to her. - Endrea... I found something terrible in Alexis's code that was put there by the same NOTCH that made you. I need you to tell me and Ashe everything you know about him.

[Endrea] - I don't really remember much, he mostly left me to my own devices.  I remember receiving my instructions to destroy CP and that death was a disappointment, but that I'd grow stronger each time.  He didn't really have any contact with after the first time I grew up...

[Doc] I see. Ashe? Remember how I told you you should be a tactician, not a warrior?

[Ashe] - Uh-huh

[Doc] Is scribbling on a sheet of paper with a quill. - These are the parameters of the enemy and what's already been tried. I want you to think about it and come back to me or Cp with whatever ideas come to mind. No suggestion is stupid and even things that seem improbable might only need a little tweaking to become possible. Can you do that for me?

[Ashe] - Yeah!

[Doc] I'm sure you'll make everyone proud. Take your time and really plan it out too. Okay?

[Ashe] - Okay!  But what if Oak and Willow get the papers?

[Doc] They'll eat them. Just keep them in your inventory when you're not reading or writing.

[Ashe] - Understood

[Endrea] Looks at Doc- Your planning on attacking that NOTCH?

[Doc] I've been promising to help Cp destroy him since I found out what he did to Cp and his family. I won't risk the server, but it will happen one way or the other.

[Endrea] - I will sit this one out, I cannot chance leaving my children and having to stay in an egg while they grow

[Doc] I wasn't going to ask. We have plenty of dragons and I'm not sure a full on assault will work anyway. I'm open to ideas, and everytime I talk to Ashe he seems to have gotten smarter. I thought he would be a good person to ask for a fresh perspective on the problem.

[CP] - I feel like I need to check in on my generals...

[Doc] I want to go with you.

[Herabrine] Can I come too?

[CP] - Why not- Makes an opening to his seed and steps through

[Doc] Trots after him-

[Lie] Sighs- Wait for me Hera, I'll come to in case I need to calm him down- Starts to head for the door

[Herabrine] Steps in and stops short, she's wobbling on her feet. - huuurk!

[Doc] Turns to check on her

[Lie] Steps through and notices Hera's condition- Hera?

[CP] Shuts the portal- WINSTON!

[Herabrine] What's wrong with this seed?! - She's turning her hands over and over and her shortness compared to the others is much more apparent.

[Lie] - It's a higher resolution, you're okay, it will take a bit of time to get used to

[Herabrine] I feel nauseated...

[Winston] Rushes in- Master?  What's wrong?

[Herabrine] Drops a block and sits down heavily.

[CP] - I need you to send out a summons to the other generals, they are to gather immediately.  We'll meet in the conference room

[Winston] - Yes sir- Winston quickly turns and rushes out to do as his master commanded

[Doc] Looks around as they wait. The room seems larger from hir human perspective.

[CP] Digs through a few drawers in his desk, gathering some blank papers and quills and ink-

[Lie] - CP, you'll need a shirt

[Doc] I'll fix it.

[Doc] Quickly copies what Lies wearing and hands him the copy

[CP] Pulls it on quickly- Alright, I think that's all I'll need...  The Nether generals should pretty much already be gathered, but the Overworld generals will take a bit more time...

[Doc] Thinks for a moment and then copies hir own pants before offering them to Lie.

[Lie] - Hm?  Oh!  Thanks...

[Lie] - Hera?  You gonna be okay?

[Doc] Best to look decent for Cp's officials.

[Herabrine] I just need to sit for a minute so I don't puke.

[Lie] - Okay, just let me know if you need anything- She pulls the copy of the pants on

[Herabrine] I could probably use a water bucket.

[Lie] Spawns one of hers- Drink it quickly before it heats and evaporates, we are in the Nether

[Herabrine] That wasn't why I wanted it! - She pours it out quickly and then turns away to throw up in it.

[Doc] Well that was considerate at least....

[Winston] Returns- Sir, the summons have all been sent

[Doc] Self-conciously checks hirself over and fluffs up hir hair.

[CP] - Good- He turns towards Doc and Hera and holds out a bundle of code- You'll probably want to at least be able to temporarily understand my generals during this in case you have anything to add

[Doc] Hesitates and then claps an eggshell around it instead of handling it directly.

[CP] - Really Doc?

[Herabrine] I can understand them already.

[CP] - Alright- He dismisses the bit of code

[Winston] Is standing there patiently-

[Doc] Holds it near hir ear - Winston, can you say something to me?

[Winston] - I don't understand why, but alright...

[Doc] That's perfect. Thank you.

[CP] - Winston, how many are already here?

[Herabrine] Has composed herself and hidden the bucket of sick under the nearby desk

[Winston] - The Nether Generals are all here as are Eliza, Samson, and Charles

[CP] - So we're just waiting on Zacharia, Samantha, and Magnolia...

[Winston] - Yes sir

[Lie] - CP, what do you expect to come of this?

[CP] - I don't know yet

[Doc] Takes up an honor guard pose beside Cp.

[CP] - We'll need to inform them of everything that has happened recently, and then start coming up with some tactics

[Doc] Will you tell them about... your father...?

[CP] Stiffens- I...  I don't think it's necessary to let them know right now.  They don't know yet that there were two...  Well, other than Winston that is

[Doc] But the fact that some of the NOTCHs are peaceful might be important. And.... if they actually respect and care about you, it might fire them up to help more agressively. You're asking a lot of them.

[CP] - They hate this false NOTCH just as much as I do, they don't need to be more fired up

[Doc] It's up to you. They're your mobs and I do respect that.

[CP] - They don't need to know yet

[Lie] Comes up and places a hand on CP's arm-

[Herabrine] Forces herself back up again. - No way I'm missing this-

[CP] - We may as well head to the conference room now.  Winston?  Can you bring some more chairs?

[Winston] - I've already done so, you're mates seat is to your right

[CP] - Thanks

[Doc] Is there a place for me?

[Herabrine] Pushes herself off the floor and floats so her head is level with Cp's face. - I don't need a chair.

[Winston] - There is a seat for all of you

[CP] - It's there if you want Hera

[Herabrine] Nods and floats along behind them.

[Doc] Follows Winston - thank you

-They enter the large conference room, Endrea's usual spot has a few chairs placed in it. Most of the other chairs were filled with the generals-

[Doc] Finds a spot to sit and Herabrine joins hir quietly-

[Lie] Takes a seat to CP's right.  Giselle notices and glares at Lie-

[Herabrine] Whispers to Lie - what's her damage?

[Lie] - She has delusions of being CP's mate

[Herabrine] A little too loud- Oh, so she's stupid. Got it.

[Giselle] Her glare now shifts to Hera- And who is this bitch Master?

[CP] - Don't start Giselle

[Herabrine] I'm Herabrine. And if your head isn't as full of gas as most ghasts; you'll take it down a notch.

[Giselle] Huffs- You have no right to talk to me like that little bitch, I'm a general, you look like a squeaker toy

[Herabrine] I'm a brine. You're just another mob flunky to me.

[Giselle] - Ah, but this isn't your seed tinker toy, so behave like the good little slut you are

[Herabrine] Slumps for a second - her astral form rushes forward like a ghost with steam boiling off of it and shoves Giselle with tremendous force into the opposite wall before snapping back.

[Giselle] - You little bitch!- Prepares to launch fire balls

[CP} - ENOUGH!  Giselle you are toeing the line and I am this close to removing you from your station!

[Doc] Is holding the egg to hir ear - I would anyway. She's got some serious attitude issues.

[Giselle] - But Master!

[CP] - No Giselle, this is your last warning

[Doc] He's just not into you Giselle, you need to get over it.

[Giselle] Huffs but does go silent-

-The door creaks open and the last three generals enter and take their seats-

[CP] - Good, all of you are here now

[Eliza] - Master, why have we been summoned?

[Doc] Just turns quietly to Cp. Not wanting to shame him in front of his subordinates.

[Herabrine] sits back and puts her boots on the edge of the table

[CP] Takes a steadying breath- There has been a development regarding NOTCH, he apparently placed some code within Alexis which would have dealt damage to not only me, but this place as well

[Charles] - What sort of damage sir?

[CP] - A wither, not as large as the one I have, but it would have caused a lot of destruction

[Doc] Is wanting badly to say it's been taken care of, but not interrupt either

[CP] Mentally- Go ahead and chime in, I know you want to

[Doc] Stands with a bit of swirl in hir coat. - I've already removed the code. And I have scanned to see if Endrea or Stevie had the same and come up clean. I think it was specifically designed to assassinate Cp if Alexis betrayed her NOTCH and made a treaty with him. It would have also driven a further wedge between Cp and his brother and broken Stevies heart as Alexis would have been deleted in the process of the codes completion.

[Grayson] He is a huge lumbering pigman, standing almost as tall as CP- Why is that a bad thing?  That wimp is useless anyways

[Lie] Actually growls a little-

[Doc] Stevie? No Steve is useless. And if you think they are, you haven't been on the receiving end of a really determined one. My friend Father Steve has and would again walk through fire for his Herobrine.

[Grayson] - They're dumb and stupid!

[CP] - Grayson, not now

[Doc] Then I hope your stubbornness and lack of knowledge doesn't cause your end someday.

[CP] Mentally- Remember, he may not be smart, but his kind judge their leader on sheer strength alone

[Doc] Sends a loud thought - then we'll have him visit us one day. Steve wrestles with TLOT regularly. He'll pick this piggy up and dump him in the bay.

[CP] - He can try

[Doc] Trust me, he can do it.

[CP] - Back to the matter at hand, how strong of forces do we have?- He listens patiently as each general lists off their available forces

[Herabrine] I thought you said a full on attack wouldn't work anyway?

[CP] - It wont, but it will help

[Doc] As much as I'd like to just hunt him down like a dog, we need a better plan.

[CP] - We do know that he shows up here every once in awhile

[Doc] Is there anything of his I could use to make an alarm? Even a scrap of clothing could be enough to write one.

[CP] - No

[Lie] CP's curt response has her a bit concerned

[Herabrine] - slowly- Do you think... maybe he's coming back to look to for Alexis and Stevie?

[CP] - It's possible...

[Lie] - Or maybe the humans...  Before Doc moved us Stevie did mention that he would mention us to NOTCH to see if he could help...

[Doc] Well whenever someone logs on it shows in the chat. If one of them came back here, we could bait him to come out of hiding.

[CP] Is nervous about doing this, thinking of NOTCH finding the young Stevie-

[Doc] It doesn't have to be Stevie.... he created Alexis. She might be the more important one to him.

[CP] - Maybe...

[Blake] - Master, are you seriously suggesting working with them!?

[Doc] Who? Us? He has been for quite some time. We are both brines after all.

[CP] - Circumstances have...  Changed Blake, for the time being there is an uneasy agreement of sorts

[Herabrine] Yeah, one's heartbroken and the others helpless. They don't have much to lose.

[Lie] Puts a hand on CP's leg-

-The Generals murmur and speak to each other as CP gives them a chance to talk with each other about the subjects broached-

[Doc] Do they not know the circumstances of where you went and what's transpired Cp? Beyond that you found a mate?

[CP] - They know a little, but I haven't filled them in completely

[Doc] Why not?

[CP] Shifts uncomfortably-

[Doc] It's not like there's a stronger brine there who would want to take your place.

[CP] - It's more how they view me...

[Doc] Loudly in hir head so he'll answer mentally- And how is that?

[CP] Glances at Doc before responding mentally- Doc, they know me as their ruthless ruler who still protects them...

[Doc] Aren't you?

[CP] - Well yes...  But...

[Doc] Then what's the problem? Just because you're not crazy any more doesn't mean you can't lead. And while you may not be as murdery anymore I don't think you'd hesitate to set anyone on fire who challenged you.

[CP] Shifts again-

[Doc] Is the crown sitting heavy Cp? You know I won't make fun of you. I'm fully aware of how onerous responsibility can be.

[CP] - No, I will not abandon them

[Doc] I wasn't suggesting you would, just that you're not as enthusiastic about this as you once were. Maybe partly because using them as an army still didn't make your problems go away.

[Lie] Leans on CP a bit, feeling his unease-

[Magnolia] Appears to be made of red slime, she commands both Slimes and Magma cubes- Sir, who are these people you have brought with you?

[Doc] Decides to answer for him since he seems uneasy. - We are also Herobrines, but ones with different and lesser powers then he has. - Kicks Hera before she can speak-

[Lie] Takes a steadying breath, knowing many of the generals had never seen her before- And I am also his mate

[Doc] This is Lie. I am called Doc, and this is Herabrine.

[Herabrine] Gives a sarcastic wave

[CP] - They are to be shown respect, especially my mate

[Giselle] - BUT MASTER!  I'M TO BE YOUR MATE! ME!

[Herabrine] Looks a bit surprised but takes her feet down and sits up a bit straighter.

[Doc] Giselle... I was here last time you had a meltdown. I'm telling you. I did surgery on these two to give them a greater soul connection. Cp will never belong to another.

[CP] Sits there stoned face for a moment- Hera, feel free to blast her

[Giselle] Is sitting there supremely angry-

[Herabrine] Too much effort - She makes an idle gesture and a water block is suddenly encasing Giselles head.

[Giselle] Thrashes a little-

[CP] - Careful, I do still need her to lead the ghasts for a little while longer

[Herabrine] Is holding out a fist- Tell me when. I'm not sure how many hearts she has.

[CP] - She's probably already half way

[Herabrine] toys with the block for a moment more, letting it heat up and then finally releasing it before Giselle can fully drown in it. - Anyone else want to start some shit?

-The generals remain silent-

[Lie] Gives Hera a small smile-

[Herabrine] Huge satisfied grin. -

[Doc] As you have a treaty with Cp, we have a treaty with him, mutual defense.

[Eliza] - Sir, since we are discussing matters at hand, how would you like word of your mate spread?

[Giselle] Under her breath- Not at all

[Doc] She's the queen. Nothing simpler.

[Eliza] - Ah yes, but how will we get word of it to the lower mobs quickly and accurately?  We don't want any accidental attacks or misinformation

[Doc] Isn't it a good rule of thumb anyway to not attack anyone with the eye glow?

[CP] - True, but they've also seen her as a human before and had orders to capture and harm if necessary...

[Herabrine] A queen needs a crown then, right?

[Lie] - Hera...  What are you getting at?

[Herabrine] Some big to-do with food and whatnot, parade her around so they all see who not to fuck with. Or just have her summon some offensive flowers and bite the shit out of a few people you don't like in front of the others.

[CP] - Are you seriously suggesting something like a coronation?

[Herabrine] Why the fuck not? You're king here, aren't you?

[Doc] Shrugs-

[CP] - That would take some time to set up, plus I can't think of a space large enough off the top of my head...

[Lie] Shrinks a little in her seat-

[Doc] We can always just invite a few of the trusted one's over...

[CP] - How about no.  Any time any of the mobs have been moved it's been to invade...  I don't think we want that

[Doc] Oh. Yeah, never mind. Surely you can find a suitable bit of mountain to just knock out some bleachers on the side of.

[CP] - Why are we even discussing this?

[Doc] Shrugs again - You were the one that was worried. And everyone is here, right?

[CP] - Well yes, but that's not why they were gathered...

[Doc] How about this, if any of you guys are awful to Lie, I'll punch your head into the next zip code. Is that clear enough?

[Giselle] - And why should we even perceive you as a threat?

[CP] Quietly groans and puts his head in his hands-

[Doc] Cp? May I? It's your seed.

[CP] - Sure, why not

[Doc] Gets up from the table and takes a step back and then another.  Xe drags one iron heel against the floor making an ear-rending shriek of metal and then shifts as xe charges forward. The gigantic yellow dragon flies across the table trailing lightning and sparks and grabs Giselle in hir jaws. Xe flips her up in the air and uses hir tail to bat her like a ball very hard against the far wall with a painful crunch. Xe turns and roars so loud the ceiling shakes and there are small explosions as lightning falls to hit the lava outside. - That’s why!

[Giselle] Grunts as she pushes herself up off the floor- You bastard...

[Doc] Shows hir huge teeth, swishing hir tail back and forth. - Come get some.

[CP] - Giselle, I suggest you rein yourself in and stay silent

[Doc] Steps up next to Cp and sits at attention, trying to look formidable. - Are you sure? I could just make a dragon snack out of her. She seems crunchy.

[CP] - No, she should behave for now

[Giselle] With a huff she stands and storms out of the room-

[Herabrine] Flips her off. - Dumbass.

[CP] - Does anyone else have any issues they wish to voice about my mate?

[Blake] The blaze general obviously wants to say something but smartly keeps his mouth shut-

[Doc] Is suddenly in his face and snorts so his hair goes back briefly.

[Blake] - And what do you want?

[Doc] I know of you, you're also a troublemaker. I've got my eye on you.

[CP] - Rein it in Doc

[Doc] Immediately snaps back to attention and sits artfully with hir head high .

[Magnolia] - Sir, will we be holding a ceremony then for your mate?

[CP] Sighs- Fine, but it will be awhile before it happens...

[Doc] Loud thoughts to Cp. - Maybe I can convince Deerheart to come shifted. Me and her, and Endrea and Gk would make quite the honor guard.

[CP] - why would we need an honor guard?

[Doc] It looks menacing? You could ride standing on my nose, I can walk smoothly if we're not going fast.

[CP] - No

[Doc] Makes a very slightly pouty face. - Here I thought you'd be happy because I'm making myself look like your attack dog.

[CP] Groans-

[Herabrine] Do I have to dress up?

[Samson] The skeleton general leans forwards a small amount- Sir?  Are you alright?

[Doc] geeze.

[CP] - Since it was your idea Hera, yes.  And I will be fine Samson

[Herabrine] Aww dammit.

[CP] - Don't worry, I know someone who can make you something quickly that you'll like

[Doc] Well you didn't have much of a wedding, this could make up for it....

[Herabrine] Is suspicious now-

[CP] - This is going to be a fuck ton of extra paperwork...

[Doc] You have the help you need, all you have to do is offer it to him. I wonder how piggy-butt over there would react if he knew his new coffeemaker and breakroom jukebox was courtesy of a Steve?

[CP] - Wait what?

[Doc] Oh, he approved some small requests on the last batch. He denied their request for a month off and AC for the training rooms though.

[CP] - There's something I need to grab from the training room before we leave...

[Doc] nervously clicks hir claws on the floor - Don't go off on him okay? He didn't get crazy with your budget.

[CP] - No, just going to show him why I generally don't approve those types of requests...

[Doc] Bites hir lip - Cp....

[CP] Looks at his generals- You're dismissed.  I have things to think about...

-The generals respectfully stand and leave-

[Doc] Makes the 'eyes on you' gesture at Blake.

[Blake] Walks out in a bit of a huff-

[Doc] You should really fire both of them....

[CP] - Honestly I'm surprised they haven't died yet.  However, despite their behavior, they are exceptional generals

[Doc] Maybe we could trap them somewhere with one of Lie's offensive plants. Then it would both look like an accident and keep them busy.

[Lie] - I don't know how I feel about that...

[Doc] They're fucking eachother anyway, they just want to include Cp in it.

[Lie] - Still....  But are we seriously doing this coronation thing?

[Doc] I'm just going to pout because Cp doesn't want to have a small phallanx of dragons to lead him out.

[CP] - It seems a bit overkill

[Doc] Juts out hir lower jaw so hir bottom teeth stick out in an obvious pout.

[CP] Stands from his chair- If you're hungry there's food in the kitchen, Doc you should remember the way?

[Doc] Mutters- I can look regal. Oriental dragons were the symbols of kings you know. Okay I don't have the heavenly five claws, but I've got three. That's good enough for low-tier royalty.

[Herabrine] Oh shut up.

[CP] - Endrea will already be there, she is one of my generals after all

[Doc] Huffs. - A pouch full of squeaking babies kinda takes away from the menacing air.

[CP] - Yes, but the other generals do keep their distance from her

[Doc] You're no fun.

[Herabrine] He let you knock Giselle's block off.

[Doc] mmmpph.

[Lie] - CP, who else should we have there?

[Doc] Any of the brines who want to come. I guess we should take some creepypastas too if you're sure they won't diss you in polite company.

[CP] - Yeah lets not

[Doc] Not even Splender? He'd love it.

[Lie] - I'm sure TLOT and Steve would like to be here...

[CP] - Especially not Splender...

[Doc] But.... it's the Nether....

[Lie] - Exactly why I said like to

[Doc] Wilts a bit- I bet Gem and Mix would come.

[Lie] - That's true

[Herabrine] GK will come.

[CP] - You guys keep talking, I'll be right back

[Doc] If I ask around some of the other brines might come too, even though I know they're busy.

[Lie] - Just thinking about all this is making me very nervous

[Herabrine] Why? All you have to do is let them put a hat on you and then wave at everyone.

[Lie] - And talk and not piss everyone off...  Well anyone who isn't already pissed...

[Herabrine] Fuck em. You're not going to be here 24/7 anyway

[Lie] - I also have to wear a fucking dress...

[Doc] I hate wearing dresses.

[Lie] - Yes well it seems like you'll be in your dragon form so you're getting out of that

[Doc] He doesn't want me to be. I offered. I think he just thinks I'll embarrass him....

[Lie] - I wonder who he was referring to when he mentioned someone able to make clothes...  I mean I know hos spider general can...

[Doc] Well...there is Trenderman.... I wonder what kind of disposition he has?

[Lie] - I don't know...

[Herabrine] He can eat my ass. I'm not wearing a dress.

[CP] Returns- So, are we heading back now?

[Doc] Yeah... Gods this has been a frustrating day... actually? Can you let me out of your fortress for a few minutes first?

[CP] - Sure, follow me- He leads them down to the main hall, large columns and towards the main doors which lead to a bridge which crosses what is essentially a lava moat.  Lie recognizes the path that she took to freedom in the past

[Doc] Thank goodness. Give me like five minutes. I assume no one is going to shoot at me?

[CP] - No

[Doc] Good. - Xe scrunches up and takes a long flying leap off the bridge and hits the lava with a tremendous splat.

[Herabrine] Yeah, someone is a little stressed...

[Lie] - CP?  What about Stevie?  Who will watch him during this or will he come with us?

[Doc] Breaches like a whale and sends a couple of blazes flying out of the lava on the resulting wave.

[Herabrine] Well it's not like you can bring Markus...

[CP] - Oh he will definitely be staying on the other server...

[Doc] Flips sideways and hits a wall to make a bunch of soul sand rain down into the lava.

[Lie] - I bet if Markus were to wear a disguise he could come if he wanted

[Doc] Does a bit of paddling on hir back and shakes hirself free of the glowing muck as xe rises up again and scuttles back onto the bridge. - Okay, we can go. I feel a little better now.

[CP] Makes an opening and gestures everyone through-

[Doc] zips through and flops on the grass.

[Herabrine] Well that was harrowing. Your seed is way too high-res Cp.

[CP] - Maybe for you, but not for me

[Doc] It's hard on us that aren't used to it CP. Hera came from an even lower-res seed then this one.

[CP] - Eh, you'll get used to it

[Doc] Rolls around in the grass. - So good to be home- xe starts tapping out a message. - Sorry Deerheart, we had to go to Cp's seed for a bit.

[Deer] - Understandable- Stevie's getting homesick for Lie's place

[Doc] Well bring the little squirt over.

[Deer] - Anyone else you want me to bring as well?  I'm sure there are things you want to discuss with TLOT...

[Doc] I'll talk to him when we both get home afterwards.

[Deer] - Alright, I'm coming over now

[CP] Stretches- I'll give Winston a couple days to get all the paperwork together

[Doc] Wiggles hir paws in the air. - This just feels too good. I used to chuckle at GK for rolling around in the grass, but I get it now.

[Deer] Arrives riding the Mudsdale with Stevie in front of her-

[Stevie] - Brother!

[Herabrine] Kicks Doc - When are you going to fix me you turd?

[Doc] Ow!

[CP] Can't help but smile a little at Stevie as he pulls him off the pokemon- Hey there

[Doc] Makes a happy purr at Cp's facial expression

[CP] Glares at Doc-

[Deer] - How was the trip?

[Doc] Most of Cp's generals are decent, some of them suck, and Herabrine puked.

[Herabrine] Kicks Doc again for good measure-

[Doc] OW DAMMIT.

[Stevie] - Brother, I'm hungry

[CP] - Then let's get you some food- Heads for the house