#kind of obsessed with queerplatonic deztin now tbh

[dezwade]

Not A Love Song

So Austin wasn't very good at the "comforting people after a break-up" thing. It was never a skill he'd needed to learn; Dez's brushes with romance were few and far between, and never progressed enough to really count as a break-up. And even with Ally and Trish, it was almost always them who ended things. The only real outlier was Trent, and Dez and Ally had done most of the comforting then. He'd kind of just stood there and fetched snacks at the sleepover they had at Ally's house afterwards.

But then Dez and Carrie broke up and Austin was consumed by the need to do...something. He wasn't sure what, just that something needed to be done. It was like, best friend law to cheer them up after a break-up, right?

He just wished he knew what to say when the topic of Carrie came up. They'd been playing video games in Dez's basement and Austin had carelessly, casually mentioned the time he and Piper had gone on a double date with Dez and Carrie. Dez went noticeably quiet and Austin cursed himself; why did he never think before he spoke?

"But- you know, you'll find someone else," Austin attempted to smooth over the awkward silence he'd created. He hoped his words were more reassuring than they sounded.

"Yeah." Dez sounded like he was a million miles away. His fingers twitched over his controller, watching as his character ran in frantic, pointless circles. "How did you know you were in love with Ally?"

Austin blinked, slightly thrown by the shift in conversation. It wasn't unusual for Dez to change topics mid-conversation, but they didn't talk about his relationship with Ally much, and it was never Dez that brought it up first. At least, not since prom night, not since they got back together. It was like Dez had gone from their biggest supporter to not caring about their relationship at all.

"I don't know I just...did." He struggled to find the right words. Being asked to describe his love for Ally was like being asked to describe the color red, or what it felt like to breathe; you knew, obviously, what it felt like, the shape it had carved into your very sense of being, but it was such a fundamental part of your life that it was impossible to describe in words alone. It permeated every part of you and trying to isolate it in order to accurately describe it felt impossible. "It's like that stuff you said: the world is brighter, goats are cuter, all that."

"Yeah, but I just stole all that from movies," Dez said, agitated and tense for reasons Austin couldn't understand. "I want to know what it really feels like."

"I don't know how to describe it, I just know that I feel it," Austin shrugged, also growing tense because all this talk about love was drawing dangerously close to The Thing They Didn't Talk About. "And what do you mean you want to know? Didn't you feel like that with Carrie?"

Dez stayed silent, gnawing on his bottom lip. Austin eyed his best friend, the stiff curve of his spine and paused their game. "Dez?" he prodded once it was clear Dez wasn't going to respond.

Dez dropped his gaze, like the pattern of his pants was suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. "I don't know."

Austin raised an eyebrow. "You don't know?"

"It's just...ever since me and Carrie broke up, I've been thinking about dating and stuff and I don't think I ever felt that for her. Sure, Carrie's great, and I love her, but I don't think it was any different from the way I love you, or Trish, or Ally," Dez explained, still not meeting Austin's eyes.

"Oh," Austin said. It felt like an inadequate response, but it was all he had. His mind was a little to busy processing what Dez was saying be a good conversationalist. "So...you never actually wanted to date her?"

"Not really. I think I just thought she was cool and convinced myself that I wanted to date her, but really all I wanted was to prove that I wasn't a joke." Dez paused, absently tapping the tips of his fingers together. "Guess I wasn't really in the best place, uh, mentally that day." Dez laughed in a way that was somewhere between "dry" and "self-deprecating" and no where near "genuine."

Austin winced; he really hoped he hadn't accidentally contributed to that particular insecurity of Dez's, but he doubted it. He knew he sometimes didn't take his best friend's feelings as seriously as he should and by the time he caught himself, the damage was done.

"Honestly," Dez continued, "I don't think I've ever actually wanted to date anyone, and I don't think I ever will. I still don't get what makes romantic relationships any different from friendships, and I've never felt any kind of "sparks" or "butterflies" or anything."

"Okay," Austin said, which wasn't much better than 'oh.' "So, is this it for you then? Like, no more dating, ever?"

"Probably," Dez shrugged, his stiff shoulders ruining the nonchalance of the gesture. "I mean, I might be wrong, but I don't think I am. I think I just liked the idea of romance more than anything else." He paused, glancing at Austin out of the corner of his eye, still painfully tense. His posture reminded Austin of their "I Think I'm Actually A Boy" conversation back in middle school, except back then both of them had been on the same page. "That's not weird, is it?"

Austin smiled in a way that he hoped was reassuring as he pulled Dez into a quick side-hug. "Not weird at all," he affirmed. And he meant it with all of his heart because this was one thing that Austin absolutely did not want Dez to feel bad about.

But.

But there were still dozens of questions buzzing in his mind and clouding his thoughts. And he knew from experience that the last thing people wanted when they came out (that's what this was, right?) was to be badgered with question after question after question. But just one was okay, right?

And then, just as Austin was starting to consider actually asking his question, Dez made the decision for him.

"You good?" Dez asked, giving him a sideways look. "You're making a face."

"Yeah, I guess I was just wondering..." Austin trailed off, his question dangling like a hundred pound weight on the tip of his tongue, the worst kept secret in the world threatening to spill from his lips. "If...if you've never really wanted to date anybody, then...what about me?"

Dez quirked an eyebrow. "You?"

"I mean...didn't you have a crush on me?"

And there it was, The Thing They Didn't Talk About in its full, awkward glory.

"Oh." Dez dropped his eyes. "I was...kind of hoping you didn't know about that."

"You weren't exactly subtle, buddy." It came out with a levity that felt slightly out of place. Here they were, discussing the thing they had been steadily ignoring for four years, and he was making dumb, snarky jokes.

Dez let out something that might have been a laugh. He played with his sleeve, tugging and pulling at a loose thread, brows furrowing slightly as he tried to find the right words. "So, I did think it was a crush for a while. But the more I think about it, the more I think it was just...me getting so obsessed with the idea of romance that I forgot to take my actual feelings into account." He swallowed. "Like, you're kind of my favorite person, so I just...assumed the way I felt about you was romantic, but it really didn't feel any different from the way I feel about, I dunno, Trish. It was just...stronger, I guess."

"Oh, cool." Austin winced the second the words came out far too casual and almost uncaring. "I mean, I get that. I've done the same thing, mixed up platonic and romantic feelings."

"Yeah, I know." Dez's voice turned teasing. "That whole Piper thing was a mess."

"Shut up." Austin shoved Dez's shoulder playfully, though it didn't diminish the redhead's smug grin in the slightest.

But then seriousness seemed to creep back into Dez's demeanor as he looked down at his hands. "And, uh, thanks for being cool about this."

"Dude." A slight nudge from Austin prompted Dez to look back up. "You don't have to thank me for not being a jerk."

"I know, but-"

"Cool, so we agree. You don't have to thank me for basic human decency." Austin grinned and Dez rolled his eyes, both of them knowing that definitely wasn't what Dez was going to say.

And before Dez could try to argue any more, Austin pulled the other boy into a tight hug. All the remaining tension in Dez's body seemed to disappear, every muscle relaxing as he sunk into Austin's embrace. He wrapped both arms around Austin, tightening his grip into the almost-painful kind of hug that Austin was used to receiving. They stayed tangled together for much longer than a normal hug, and then even longer than a normal Dez-and-Austin hug, but this felt like the kind of moment that necessitated the longest hug ever, so Austin was fine with it.

"And for the record," Austin said, barely louder than a whisper, "you're kind of my favorite person too."

Dez's hold on him somehow managed to tighten even more at his words.

So no, Austin still wasn't great at the whole "comforting people after a break up" thing. But he was there for his friends when they needed him, and that was more than enough.