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strawbearytae · 2 years ago

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decalcomania📎

“popular”! jungkook x underclassman! reader

genre: angst + hurt/comfort + fluff

synopsis: after the much needed break between the two of you, Jungkook awaits your call.

series: part of my papercuts smau

📎📎📎📎📎📎📎 His hands shook as he pressed the green button to accept your call, “H-hello?” His voice was hesitant, but your end was silent. He desperately wondered what you were thinking, how the last 3 weeks were for you? How had you been? Had you found a new photographer? Were you okay?

The past 3 weeks had been a blur of uncharacterable productivity –- meeting his elementary friends for drinks never felt as necessary as it was unnecessary until it wasn’t. It kept him occupied and everytime he seemed to want to reach out to you he held himself back.

If it is meant to be, it will, that’s what he repeated to himself during every rep. He tried to ingrain that into himself. A mantra that was quite the opposite of what he had done with everything else, he didn’t deserve the position anyway. He didn’t deserve the scholarship anyway. He didn’t deserve the adoration from his teachers nor the doting from his classmates anyway. It’s okay he lost it. It’s okay.

Usually, he was able to make peace with it when he did that, learning to be okay with isolation was a difficult step at first but he eventually got used to it. Like the insults he received online... he learned to be okay with it, perhaps not numb...he still felt the small sting with every insult hurled at him... but okay.

But meeting you and then leaving you to just fall for you again seemed to exchange that persistent mantra in him for something that was... softer. It felt as though his very mind was being kinder to himself.

He found himself staring at pictures of the two of you right after he finished his reps. Without knowing, he would be staring at his computer in the middle of the night with your makeup photoshoots open. Photos of your eyes covered in intricate designs in HD on his screen. There would be hours he couldn’t admit he wasted as he stared at the call button that he dared not to press yet still lightly grazed as if he couldn’t make up his mind.

And every one of those moments: If it is meant to be, it will.

“Hey.” Your voice made him grin and tear up at the same time, it was only hours ago that he desperately wanted to hear it, “How was your day?”

I missed you.

“Good.” His voice was breathy, “How was yours?”

You didn’t answer, only taking in a few controlled breaths that fanned his ears. He wondered, again, if you were okay, if you needed anything and a part of him hoped that for some reason... you would allow him to see you... maybe even have you in his life as just a friend. He would be okay with that; to him that felt merciful. If it is meant to be, it will.

“I’m good.” You let out a nervous laugh. “We… I… need to tell you something.”

“Yeah.” His mind went blank, she wants you to stay away. Of course she does, what did you expect? You don’t deserve-

“Can you come over?”

“W-what?” Your voice drove him out of his thoughts.

“Come over.” You said more firmly before adding a small “please.”

“Okay.”

----

“Miya’s not home.”

That was the first thing you said to him once you opened the door.

His response: “Oh.”

He had never felt nervous around you, it was rather the opposite. When it was you –unlike everyone else- he felt... at ease. He felt calm. Secure. But right now, his palms were wet, and his heart was wild.

“D-do,” You took in a controlled breath, “Do you want anything? I made cake...” You led him to the kitchen where only months ago you confessed to dating a douche to him whilst being completely unaware that that douche was him.

“Carrot?” he asked lightly as he stood in your living room

You shook your head, “Strawberry. For Taehyung.”

Jeongguk nodded, “I see... It’s okay, I don’t really have the stomach for food right now.”

“Oh.”

“So...” He clasped his hands in front of his torso, bowing his head slightly, “What was it that you wanted to tell me?”

“Well...” You walked over to the couch and sat down, motioning him to do the same, “I’ve begun seeking therapy- Well I found a therapist, she’s been amazing...”

Jeongguk raised his head to study your face, “Oh?”

“And she helped me realize something...”

Jungkook sat on the floor in front of you, giving you enough room to be comfortable but far away enough.

“She helped me realize two things actually...” You looked down at your hands as he continued to study you, “The first one being that... I’m not upset at you.”

Jeongguk’s eyes softened, “You’re... not?”

“No.” You nodded, “If anything I was upset at myself. It’s just...” You sighed, “When we broke up in high school,” Jeongguk visibly tensed, “I blamed myself. Really. I never blamed you. I just- I didn’t feel like enough because to me, you were so bright. You felt like the sun with everyone orbiting you, so it made sense to me if you became bored of just another planet like me that orbited you.”

“You weren’t just another planet...” He protested quietly.

“I know that now, I wouldn’t have been able to make you fall for me twice if I was, would I?” You tried to joke lightly, “But I didn’t think like that... I couldn’t imagine that. So, I blamed myself.”

“You shouldn’t have.” Jeongguk murmured, “It was my fault.”

“Well, I technically flirted with you first.”

Jeongguk rolled his eyes, “Yeah with a porkchop joke.”

“It worked!” You insisted with a light laugh.

“Still doesn’t mean it was your fault.” Jeongguk shook his head in disapproval, “If anything, I’m the one who broke up with you so nastily.”

You rolled your eyes, “We’re on two different levels,” you quoted with a mock-serious tone, “Seriously, who says that?!”

“Y/N, I’m sorry-” He started, wanting to apologize again.

“Miya told me.” You quickly explained, “She let me know over and over again that your relationship wasn’t healthy. And you told me too, didn’t you?” A small smile tugged from the corners of your lip, “Well Jaegguk told me.”

“Y/N, still-”

“I don’t blame you. You were 18. Young and dumb, you thought you were protecting me... I forgive you.” You slid down from the couch to the floor to be closer to him, “And I hope you can forgive me too.”

Jeongguk’s brows slowly furrowed, “For what?”

“For yelling 3 weeks ago, for acting like you betrayed my trust when I was doing the same...” You bit your lower lip in embarrassment, “I was being hypocritical, I’m sorry...”

Jeongguk didn’t know what to think, here he was receiving apology after apology for things that he thought were unforgivable, things that were his fault, “Y/N... I’ve known since the night you came over for the first time.”

“I see...” You nodded; you figured as much since that was around the time that Jeongguk had completely disappeared for a few days. You bet that it was a shock to him and knowing him, he would’ve blamed himself for it. “But that doesn’t change anything. Mistakes were made, all because we were afraid of each other’s reactions.” You glanced down at your hands, “I used to think that 17-year-old was wounded and trying to claw her way into my life to bleed her insecurities on me. But I think...” You looked back to his attentive eyes, “She wasn’t a separate person at all. She and I are the same person. She had to heal before I could continue my 18th year. And I think she finally has.”

A silence passed between the two of you, though it wasn’t awkward.

“I talked to someone too, it wasn’t a therapist. Just Jin hyung.”

“I see.”

“And I realized that...” He took in a small breath of courage, “I want to try this.”

“This?”

“You. Me. Us. And whatever happens in between that. I want to try it all.”

You pursed your lips into a slight frown, “I’m touched. I really am. But I’m kind of upset that I had to pay someone to help me realize that when you were just able to talk to your friend about it.”

He chuckled, “A waste of money?”

“No.” You brought your hands over to trace the moles you had kissed before, “She helped me build up... whatever this was, to talk to you. So, I guess she deserves the half of my bank account I emptied out for her.”

“She’s expensive.”

“You were worth it.”

Jungkook stumbled over his next words, “Getting bold, aren’t we?”

You laughed before sliding off the couch to sit in front of him, scooting closer as he kept scooting back to the wall until he leaned against the wall with your knees touching his and your face moments away from kissing him. “This is bold. That was necessary.”

Before you could lean back, he pressed a kiss against your lips. Sweet and short, “This was necessary too.”

You would’ve been flustered if you hadn’t seen how flustered he was too, “I want to try this too then.”

“Us.”

“Yes.”

He smiled widely before pressing a kiss on your forehead, “I think I’m going to sue them.”

“If this is about the internet monkeys, please make them go bankrupt.”

You felt him smile against you, “I don’t need their money.”

“I do, art is an expensive hobby.”

Jungkook laughed, “Am I becoming a patron for your artistic ways?”

“I was thinking more of a sugar daddy-“

Jungkook choked on air.

You, however, ignored that reaction, “But patron works too I guess.” You looked at his reddened face, “But you want to? Try this? And sue them?”

Jungkook’s eyes didn’t leave you even when he seemed to go into deep thought, “I used to think I deserved everything that came to me you know? After we broke up,” You took a hold of his hand and squeezed, earning a small smile from him in return, “I thought that taking the brunt of all their harassment would act as penance for my actions. Maybe if I paid off all my sins, I would eventually be free from it-“

“Your immaturity wasn’t a sin.” You protested, “If it is, then there would be no saints among us. Those internet monkeys should all endure the same thing you put yourself through by that logic.”

“I know that now…” Jungkook shrugged, “But I didn’t think like that back then. I could barely see out of how guilty I felt. Breaking up with Miya. Leaving you. Ghosting you and cutting contact from almost everyone in my life. The bullying slowly spreading to Namjoon and Hobi hyung’s pages, getting kicked off the soccer team. It was hard to assume that everything that was happening to me wasn’t my fault.” Jungkook sighed, “I still have some responsibility in what happened. I mean, none of those things would’ve happened if I had just stayed single all 4 years or just not messed up as majorly as I did back then.” You gave him another reassuring squeeze, “But I’m starting to realize that the blame wasn’t 100% on me. That even though I have to take some of the blame, I don’t have to take all of it… I guess I’m just trying to find a good middle ground between those two.”

“Do you think…” You wondered aloud, “It would’ve been better if we never met before and just met this year? Do you think things would’ve been easier?”

For the first time Jungkook looked away and stared at your interconnected hands and your heart cracked at his words,“It would’ve been easier, yes.” But they were immediately mended, “But it wouldn’t have been like this. If we never knew each other at all, I don’t think we would’ve made it this far. In an ideal world we would be together no matter what, but we don’t live in that one do we? The image of what I thought would be the ideal me is nowhere near similar to the photocopy I am right now. And I think… that’s okay… Even if it isn’t ideal, I’m happy with the result right now.”

“Y’know most girls want their boyfriends to say they would’ve been together in every universe.” You joked.

“Where’s the fun in that?” Jungkook’s lips slightly quirked, “This universe is special because despite all the odds you chose me.”

“We choice each other.” You corrected, “And I don’t think it was a hard choice. You made it so damn easy to choose you again.”

He giggled at that and he pulled you into his chest, “Thank you for choosing me.”

You shifted in his arms so that you were situated in his lap, “Thank you for being chosen, even if you were just a photocopy.”

“But a handsome one?”

You rolled your eyes, “The handsomest.”

He kissed you.

It was a tentative kiss, a kiss that was a question that he had waiting to ask for years. And when you responded, he smiled against your lips and you whispered, “I love you too, Jungkook.”

He paused and immediately pulled away from you, his eyes staring at you in disbelief, “Say it again.”

You laughed before kissing his cheek, “I.”

His temple. “Love.”

His lip, “You-“

“No.” He shook his head making you immediately pull back, “My name.” He nearly pleaded, “Say my name, Y/N.”

Your confusion warped into a wide smile. “Jungkook.” It had been the second time you had said his name like that. The second time he had heard his name from your lips since all those years ago. “I love you, Jungkook.”

Fuck.

His hands weaved their way to the back of your head and he kissed you.

Tomorrow, Jungkook was going to file a petition to whatever office at Yonsei, or request a meeting with the President, himself, at the Blue House, to insist that no one else in this galaxy was to ever use his given name, ever. The way you drew out the vowels as you pressed his name against his skin was the only pronunciation he would accept. And only would it be acceptable from your lips. Everyone else could fuck off and address him as “JK” “Jeon” or most preferably, not at all. Because after hearing his name sound like heaven, itself, from your lips, after years of believing it would be said with only venom, there was no way he would ever settle it being said by anyone else. Ever.

“Again.” He asked as he laid you beneath him while continuing to kiss you.

“Jungkook. Jungkook. Jungkook.”

Such a simple thing. Such a simple word. But those two syllables ignited him.

“Again.” Against your jaw.

“Again.” Against your neck.

“Again.” Against your sternum.

You complied every single time.

You never knew that there could be something more powerful than the words “I love you,” in the world. After years of reading drafts of Miya’s writing, those three words always seemed to be the turning point in any romantic relationship. But it was only here when you felt Jungkook breathing your name heavily against your neck as he continued to worship your lips that you realized that it wasn’t the words themselves at all. It was the emotion, the meaning, behind them.

And for you two, your names felt more intimate than any other generic phrase the rest of the world used. Using your given name was him whispering, “Despite and for the spite of everything that happened between us. I choose you. I will choose you again and again and again.”

It was a love letter in two syllables.

And even hours later when you leaned your head against his chest, you heard that love letter etched in your heart somewhere. It was then you realized, that 17 year old Y/N had obsessed over the lack of him. Sunny had worked to spite him. And you, in this moment, had healed beyond him. You didn’t need him to propel you forward, but, oh, how you wanted him.

And perhaps that made this whole thing even more poetic

35. decalcomania 🖋️

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a/n: thanks for reading! please remember to hit that rblg button as a pat on the head for me for a good job (•ᴗ•◍)!

synopsis: flirting with your crush of 3 years wasn’t something you thought of when first getting twitter, a nasty breakup wasn’t what you expected either… but why is it that after 3 years and loads of droning on self-improvement and trying to become “that” girl, your gym buddy reminds you of the one person you wanted to forget?

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