#kim: 'siri how i do kill a venomous cobra without going near it'

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

The Misadventures of Prince Kim - chapter 5

(aka the royalty AU story)

[1, 2, 3, 4] [AO3]

Saturday afternoon was warm and sunny, with barely a cloud in the sky. The large stained-glass windows cast a pale orange glow over the courtyard. It was still too early for the race and so no one had yet arrived – except for Alix and her snake, that was. Sitting down in the corner of the courtyard, she flipped open the top of her sceptre and dialled a number. After a few rings someone picked up.

“Hi Alix, what’s up?”

“Hey Jalil,” she said, happy to hear the voice of her older brother. “Sorry I didn’t call before, I kept forgetting.”

“It’s fine. I guessed you’d forget anyway. Are you having fun at school?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty nice here, though it’s really old-fashioned. People don’t even have telephones here, they’re always sending messages by letter! How do they even live?”

“With difficulty, I suppose! Anyway, have you met up with anyone you know?”

“Just Max, though he hasn’t really been talking to me that much…”

“And how much trouble have you been getting into?”

“None!” she said indignantly, before realizing that might not be entirely true. “Well okay, I may have got myself into a skating race later on today, but that wasn’t my fault, it was–”

“I know, Max already told me about it. Some kid with the same name as your snake challenged you to a race and you accepted.”

“Wait, what?! You’ve already spoken to Max?”

“You weren’t answering your phone when I last tried to call so I called him instead. I wanted to make sure my reckless little sister hadn’t accidentally gotten herself killed already, which I’ll be honest, is not unlikely. And the first thing he told me about was your newfound rivalry with some foreign prince!”

“Please don’t tell dad, he hates it when I do stuff like this.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell him,” Jalil laughed. “Since when have I ever told on you?”

“Too many times!”

“Well I promise I won’t this time. So anyway, have you made any new friends?”

“Not really,” she admitted. “I mean, I’ve been trying, but I’m not good with people, you know that. And loads of people here already know each other. I was planning to just hang out with Max but he just spends all his time with Kim, who seems to hate me and especially hates my snake…”

“Well why don’t you make friends with him too?”

“I wish I could. Apart from Max he’s the only one in my class so far who doesn’t just tiptoe around me all the time. Everyone else just… I don’t know what it is! Whenever I try and talk to someone they always act so weird! I don’t know if it’s the snake, or the pharaoh thing, or maybe I’m just bad at making friends, but everyone’s always intimidated by me even when I’m not trying to do that! Who the hell is scared of a 4’8’’ kid with pink hair anyway?!”

“I think it’s just your personality.”

“Great, not helping. So yeah, at least Max treats me like an actual person rather than just some fearsome goddess he doesn’t want to piss off, but that’s because he knew me already, and it doesn’t make a difference now since he’s clearly much better friends with Kim. Who, like I said, hates my guts.”

“Alix, there’s a difference between someone thinking of you as a rival and outright hating you.”

“I know, I know. I guess I’ll try and annoy him less and then maybe he’ll be my friend. But when he loses the race today he is not going to be happy, is he? Ugh, maybe I just shouldn’t have accepted his stupid challenge in the first place, I’m just gonna end up being a loner this whole year with only my snake to keep me company and you’re back at home so I can only talk to you by phone and…”

“It’s okay, things will fall into place I’m sure. For the record I’m not good at making friends either.”

“Yeah, but that’s because you’re a freaking nerd.”

“You have a point. Seriously though, I’m sure you’ll… oh wait, here comes dad, he’s asking if he can speak to you–”

“NOPE, I’m busy, gotta go, see you.”

Alix quickly ended the call and closed the sceptre. If she talked to her father she knew she would get told off for not calling sooner to say she was okay, and she definitely was not in the mood for that – even being a pharaoh couldn’t let her avoid her responsibilities without reprimand. In any case she had only wanted to speak to Jalil. Though it had barely been a week since she got here she already missed having her big brother to confide in, especially since Max didn’t seem to want to hang out with her anymore. At least she could count on her pet cobra to always be around.

Soon enough the other royals arrived in the courtyard, ready to watch the race. Marinette unfurled a cute little banner that she had created up in the textiles room.

“What do you think, Kim?” she asked as Kim entered the area, waving the banner at him.

“Nice!” he replied. “And you’ll make a celebration one for me when I win, right?”

“You mean like, a prize for the winner? That sounds great!”

“So where’s Alix, anyway? Don’t tell me she was too scared to turn up.”

Alix stood up from her little corner and skated over to where the others were. “I’ve been here for like an hour already! Me and Kim the First are ready.”

“I’ll be the one who’s first, but sure.”

Taking her snake off the sceptre and wrapping him around her arm instead, Alix went and put the sceptre on the ground a safe distance away. “Hey Alya, keep an eye on my sceptre okay?”

“Don’t worry, I will, Your Majesty,” said Alya.

“And don’t call me Your Majesty.”

“Um… okay, Alix.”

“Better. And I’m serious about the sceptre, okay? It’s a royal family heirloom and if anything happens to it then I will personally kill every single one of you in this courtyard without regret.”

Alya blinked a few times and didn’t say anything. Skating back to where the starting line would be, Alix realized that threatening to murder people was probably considered intimidating, and decided to try not to do that again. But still, that sceptre really was important, and she would rather everyone stayed scared of her than let anything happen to it.

“Are you seriously gonna carry that snake with you for the race?” Kim said.

“Yeah, he loves it when I rollerskate.” She unwrapped the cobra from her arm and put him around her neck like a scarf. “I even taught him how to skateboard and I bought him a little pair of sunglasses and everything so he looks cool while doing it.”

“I’m not even gonna ask what sunglasses are…”

She stopped herself before mocking him about that, remembering that if she wanted to make friends then she would have to actually try and be less annoying.

Lining them up at the starting line, Max explained the rules (the race would be two laps around the courtyard) and then counted down for the race to begin.

The race itself was fairly brief. Kim tried his best and was indeed a very fast runner, but he couldn’t quite match the speed Alix was going at on her skates. She reached the finish line of the second lap and was welcomed by a chorus of cheering from her classmates – though they did all sound somewhat subdued.

“Kim the First, you are still officially number one!” she said, giving the snake’s hood a gentle little stroke.

“That… that wasn’t fair…” Kim had reached the finish too by now and was leaning over to catch his breath. “The sun… in my eyes… I’m taller so I couldn’t avoid it and…”

Was he really trying to make stupid excuses for losing? Couldn’t he just admit he was slower?

“Maybe that’s why you need sunglasses,” Alix snapped at him.

“Yeah well I’m still taller so there’s more air resistance, so it was still unfair and…”

“Just shut up and admit you lost!”

She went and retrieved her sceptre and then skated out of the courtyard without speaking to anyone else. What was the point of putting effort into making friends with someone who was just going to be a sore loser? Maybe she’d just have to resign herself to being a loner this year after all. After all, since Kim clearly wasn’t trying to be civil, then why should she?

But no… she was a pharaoh. A ruler of a country. She couldn’t just go around making enemies with people, especially other members of royalty, that was a sure-fire way of starting unnecessary wars. Surely if Max, a fairly nice person, was friends with Kim then he must be at least alright sometimes? But then again it wasn’t her job to figure that out!

Well, if Kim was not going to treat her with respect then she just wouldn’t talk to him. And if he started being nicer to her then she would carry on trying to be his friend. Yes, it was as simple as that.

Meanwhile, back in the courtyard, most of the classmates were leaving while Max stood with his arms folded, looking at Kim rather sternly. “You lost fair and square, Kim, and you know it.”

“Her snake was distracting me.”

“Kim…”

“Okay fine, I guess I need more practice! I’ll beat her someday, I promise you.”

“That’s much better. And perhaps you should go congratulate her on her win.”

“What, so she can gloat at me over how much better she is?”

“No, Kim, gloating is your thing.”

“But what if she attacks me with her snake?”

Max tried not to laugh. “So that’s what this is about! You just really hate that snake, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” Kim muttered, turning away. “Obviously I’m not scared of it, but…”

“It’s okay if you are.”

“I’m not!... Well, okay, kinda. But we’ve got cobras in my kingdom too and they’re always really hostile and they’ll attack you if you go near them, so I’ve always been told to stay away! It’s pretty much engrained into me! So of course I’m not exactly okay with my own classmate always dragging around some creepy reptile that could kill me painfully with a single bite!”

“I see,” said Max, resting a comforting hand on Kim’s arm. “Would it help if I told you that unlike many other species of cobra, queen cobras are very intelligent and well-behaved? If it wasn’t for their venom, they’d essentially be harmless. Owning one is still considered unusual but it’s more like having a pet cat or dog – just a sweet little animal companion to be your friend. I promise Alix’s snake won’t harm you on its own accord. She’s owned it for years and it’s been nothing but good-tempered the whole time, so it really won’t attack anyone unless she tells it to, and she’s certainly not going to do that.”

“But what if she does?”

“I’m sure she won’t. I know she seems almost as hot-headed as you are but she’s already a pharaoh and knows she has her country’s reputation to uphold, so she’s not going to be responsible for causing anyone’s death. Does that put your mind somewhat at ease?”

“Yeah, I guess… How are you always so smart, Max? I swear it’s like you know everything. It’s awesome.”

Max was not only surprised at Kim’s sudden compliment, but was also surprised at how much he felt his face heating up at hearing it. “Oh, I just… research a lot…”

“Huh. I wish I could be that smart.”

Max tried to say something in reply but his mind had gone completely blank. It must be because he wasn’t used to receiving compliments – most people seemed to pay no attention to his intelligence. But Kim, his friend, said he wanted to be smart like him…

It took Max several moments to realize that Kim had already wandered off. Whoops. He wasn’t sure why he kept getting so oddly lost in thought these days, though perhaps it was just that being in a new place with a lot of new people had given him a lot to think about. Anyway, he quickly went and caught up with Kim so that they could walk back to their dorms together. Having his best friend easily available to hang out with all the time was so nice. Even if they weren’t doing anything in particular, just spending time with him felt good. Joining this school had definitely been a good choice.