#kim CHI ARE U FUCKING KIDDING ME

[perseflora]

every day i open youtube i see another gd video essay abt another YA/A author who has straight up faked their race and/or boldly made horrible! moves! under that guise of protecting their minority space when girl! u are WHITE! r.f kuang wasn't putting a GUIDEBOOK OUT W YELLOWFACE. i hate it here. i do not ever want to be in those circles of writing but i see people supporting "the grind"??? shut the fuck up! thats not a grind! u are grinding others under ur feet and not even for success!

[forkanna]

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NOTE: I was eating garlic bread while writing this first scene. Truefans will know.

Scott and Ramona made good on their offer to help me clean up Super Simon's super-mess. Unfortunately, they only stuck around long enough to do that because they had to move on to find the next piece of the Gideonflux. Or the next Gideonflux? I wasn't clear on whether or not that was the name of each thingy or the whole of them once collected. Either way, we hugged and said our goodbyes once the slime was gone.

"Look me up sometime," Ramona whispered into my ear as we hugged. "If you're ever on Alpha Centauri, or in the States. I tend to hang out there mostly."

"Probably not happening. I've had enough excitement for a while."

"Totally understandable." Then she moved on to hug Knives while I turned to Scott.

"So… um, do you still play?"

He shrugged and gave a quiet laugh. "We both know I suck. And not just at the bass guitar." It was quiet for a moment. "I was expecting you to say 'yeah, you do, Scott'."

"Mm. Just didn't feel like saying it. You helped me clean up in here, and were pretty cool about me coming out just now. Helps a lot."

"Did you come out? Oh… yeah, I guess so. I mean, maybe living with Wallace kind of did that thing."

"That thing?"

"You know, the thing where you aren't surprised by certain kinds of stuff anymore."

"Desensitised you?"

"That's it."

Nodding a little, I glanced over at where Ramona and Knives were chattering away like old friends, even though they had once been bitter rivals for Scott's affections. "Shit changes. Easier to just roll with it."

"Kind of my motto lately, too," he admitted with a little chuckle. Then he frowned. "Kim?"

"Yes?"

"The bald look sucks, doesn't it?"

"Yes."

"Right. I dunno, I got a little of it chopped off with a buzz saw from a sub-boss, and I kept trying to even it out, and Ramona walked in to see I already completely shaved it off. So I've been trying to rock it, but… yeah, she agrees with you. I'll grow it back out."

"You'll survive the stubbly stage," I snorted. "Anyway… uh, take it easy, Pilgrim."

"You too, Princess Pine."

"Shut the fuck up and go."

Once they got back to the subspace pipe in the ceiling, they waved over their shoulders, and Knives and I waved back. Then Ramona took his hand and they jumped upward into the pipe and out of our lives forever. Or, y'know… for a long time, anyway. The pipe was gone, too; just vanished into the mystic.

After staring after them for a long moment, Knives turned to beam up at me. "You're in loooove with me, huh?"

"You can shut the fuck up and go, too," I grumbled, which didn't affect her in the slightest. She only leaned up and kissed my cheek, which made me roll my eyes but I still couldn't help the little smile on my face. "Bleh. Should we try to do any more repairs in here? Or what?"

"Dunno. But you look really cute in that dress. Kinda distracting."

"Huh?" Glancing down, I saw that the 'princess dress' my other self had been wearing was still on me. "Oh, great. I look like a bridal reject."

"You look beautiful. Like… honestly, when we get back, I really want to see you in stuff like this more often. But only if you want to!" she added as her smile vanished, worried I would be mad. But I wasn't; just surprised.

"Really? You like me all girled up? I figured it would help if I was the more 'butch' of the two of us. Like… I know you act like it isn't important, but it is. To both of us. You're my girlfriend, and everyone else is gonna see you that way."

A little shrug of one shoulder tried to say that she didn't mind, but her smile gave away how pleased she was that I had thought about that. "Nah. I like who I am and how I look; pretty confident in that. But I would probably dress extra girly if you were extra girly, so we could be lipstick lesbians together."

"Aww," I said with a little snort, and we both giggled. "Is it weird that I find that idea cute? It's cute, right?"

"Totally cute! And we can be super butch one day, and all the days between we can just… be us."

"Yeah," I whispered as I picked up my spear and we headed for the entrance. Almost more to myself than to her. "Us."

                                                ~ o ~

To summarise, I walked her all the way back to the Belly Button Portal and let her get sucked back up and out. Then I was kind of by myself and not sure of what to do. This was different from the dream-slash-flashback; now I was just kinda hanging out in my own stomach. How did I get myself into these messes?

But then I felt myself being called upward. It was kind of rude, my feet were sucked into the air first and I had to hold my dress down to keep it from falling up around my head — even though there was nobody around to see my underwear anyway. Then I was leaving my inner plane behind…

When I 'woke up' an instant later, I was lying on the sofa in the same curled-up position that I was in when I turned to stone. Everybody was gathered around who had been there when I was smacked with the glove, though a couple of them were seated or in different positions. Steph had changed into a different shirt at some point. Wallace was taking off a blue fingerless glove and tossing it casually on the coffee table, as if he did this kind of thing every day. When she noticed my eyes were open, Knives grinned at me and helped me sit up.

"Hey," she said in a gentle voice.

"How do you feel?" Stephen asked, brow furrowed as he felt my forehead. "Like, feverish or anything?"

"I'm fine, you jerk," I sighed as I slapped his hand away. "And that's for smacking me while I was a statue."

Clearly anxious, Steph crouched down next to me. "You okay? I mean… seriously, are you?"

"Yeah. Just really… man, that was weird. But I'm gonna be just fine now. Promise." My eyes found those of my girlfriend, my 'prince' and my ninja saviour, and drew her in close to me. "Pleased as punch."

The minute our lips met, in front of God and everybody, Wallace let out a long sigh. "Well, this is my cue to exit. Glad to lend my chi and expertise but I'm not much for girl-on-girl. Or girl-on-anything."

"Thanks for the boosts," Knives giggled as she turned back, though she was still half-lying on top of me. I didn't mind at all. "Helped with the sub-boss and final boss a lot. You wanna hang out sometime?"

"Why? You know any more boys with glasses?" Then he let out a tsk of mild annoyance. "Oh yeah, crap… steady boyfriend. I'm off the market; looking, no touching. Which reminds me that Goodhandy's awaits, so-"

"I meant to just like, chill and have fun together? Unless you don't wanna… it's fine."

"We're hanging out," I told Wallace in a stern, no-arguments-allowed tone. I could tell Knives was already doubting herself from his spurning of the offer, and that wasn't allowed.

"Fine, so we'll hang out," he grumbled with a roll of his eyes as he got to the front door. "Anywhere with a liquor licence. Goodnight, kids." And with that, he shuffled out.

"Yeah, I should go, too," Stephen said as he stood. "But seriously, I'm really glad you're okay, Kim. We should, uh, jam together sometime; I know we have a regular drummer but you're every bit as good-"

"Don't stroke my ego, Stills. But… yeah, could be fun."

Knives giggled as she hugged me a little before jumping to her feet excitedly. "Maybe we could get Sex Bob-omb back together! I mean, we just saw Scott, and the rest of the band's right here! Even Neil!"

"U-uh, yeah," Neil said, glancing nervously at Knives. I could tell he still felt really awkward about how things ended. Good. Fucking needed to own up to what he did.

In fact, I decided that needed to happen right away. Without another word, I hooked a hand around his upper arm and started dragging him to the kitchen. "Thanks for hauling me back here," I said as we entered.

"Sure, yeah. I couldn't just leave you out-"

"Okay, listen," I hissed once we were around the corner. "You're a nice kid, salt of the earth, blah blah blah. But I think you owe Knives an apology for how you ended things."

Caught off guard, he cleared his throat and looked away. "W-why? You're with her now, and like… that works out. For you two, I mean."

"If you're talking about her junk, that's not important to me. Maybe it'll 'work out', maybe not. But you kind of made her feel like crap about that. I know it's not the only reason you broke up, but it's part of it and you should maybe own up to how shitty you handled things."

"Oh. Well…" Swallowing hard, he looked down at the floor. "Yeah, I was really, uh, surprised. But I still thought she was great! Just, like… I couldn't handle it. Made me feel really uncomfortable, and like…" His voice got quieter, and I could tell this wasn't the easiest thing in the world for him. Especially Neil, who wasn't used to talking a lot. "I didn't want to hurt her any worse so I broke it off and tried to, uh, let her down easy. Besides, I knew she was still into Scott, and kind of crushing on Stephen. I was just kinda… there."

"What did you say? I mean, the way you 'let her down easy' is just as important as the fact that you tried. Which yeah, I guess is pretty decent."

"Just that, um, I didn't think I could handle it if we ever went past kissing. But that I hoped she found a guy who's less, uh… weird about that. I dunno, she's just really special, and I felt dumb for being hung up on… on pants stuff."

Even though 'pants stuff' was a ridiculous and hilarious way to phrase it, I couldn't help sympathising. Maybe I got over it where Neil couldn't, but we both had that moment of surprise, and the discomfort right after. But the average dude tends to have that latent homophobia thing going on, that even if they kind of grow and learn they still feel weird about anything intimate involving another guy. Or in this case, another person who happens to have a dick. Guess it wasn't fair to punish Neil too much for being average.

"Alright, I get you. But you should still apologise. Not in public, but like… I think she'd really feel better if you just said something. Knives is definitely special, and very sensitive, and deserves the best." After a brief pause, I added, "Maybe I'm a little biased, but you know I'm right."

Nodding, he stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Yeah. Just wasn't something I could handle when she told me, but like… it's not about who she is. At all! Because she's awesome. I'm really glad you two are like, so close now."

"Dating. You can say we're dating."

"Yeah, that. Girlfriends or whatever. It's cool."

Rolling my eyes, I went back into the living room. I guess "it's cool" was the best I could expect and it was a positive sign. I saw Knives look up, then past my shoulder at Neil, and then she patted me on the hip and smiled at me as she walked past; I guess he planned to do it literally right away.

"Wow," Steph sighed as she slumped down on the couch. I hit it with her, and Stephen on my other side.

"Yeah. Wow."

"What was it like in there? I mean… you kind of act like you could tell. That whole glove thing."

"You at least knew what we were doing when you were a statue," Stephen said in a grumbling voice.

"Yeah. Uh… the statue thing was more annoying than anything, but I'd already been through something like that with the glove before. The rest…"

Where the fuck do you even start with a story like this?

                                                ~ o ~

About two hours later, Knives and I excused ourselves from the Nordegraf ancestral home and went back toward my place. It was pretty late — well actually, early. The thing took all night. Felt pretty bad for all our friends, but at least it made sense of why Steph had changed her shirt. Both of us called off work as we walked, knowing we had been through way too much crap to bother with focusing on annoying customers for one day.

"Can't believe I have this whole other plane of existence in my ribcage," I muttered as we walked. "There's a John Mayer joke in there somewhere."

"What?" Knives laughed. I didn't bother to explain, and she didn't bother to ask again. "Anyway, I'm just glad we did it. You were stone for so long…"

"Yeah. Well, I guess that won't be happening anymore."

"Really? So… you think taking care of Super Simon fixed it?"

With a long sigh, I stared up at the sky as we walked. Putting one thought in front of the other. "He wasn't the real problem. It was me. Gideon took advantage of it, but the… Fluxy thing wouldn't have worked if I wasn't already broken inside. But yeah, I'm not going to be 'rocking out' anymore."

My shy smile lingered for a few seconds. Nervous that the joke was too stupid. This time, Knives definitely caught the pun and groaned, bumped her hip into mine as we walked. And I laughed. I really laughed… it felt weird and wrong, but I told myself not to worry about that.

"I like that."

"What, shitty puns?"

"No. You laughing. It's a great laugh."

"I sound like a coughing parrot."

"Nah," she giggled, lacing her fingers through mine and pulling me over to kiss my cheek. "Just because I can tell you're out of practice doesn't mean I can't hear how beautiful it's gonna be when you figure out I'm not gonna make fun of you for laughing."

God, why did my cheeks have to be so hot? "Y-yeah. Um… I guess I could blame Princess Pine for that."

"What do you mean?"

"The part of me that we set free. I mean… it's a bunch of metaphorical bullshit, but with our lives as fucked up as they are…" Sighing, I came to a stop, leaning my back against a telephone pole. "She was the real me, yeah. I guess that's true. Thing is, the other me was the real me, too. A NegaKim that I let take control because Princess Pine couldn't handle how much pain she was in after… Scott. But they weren't really that different from each other, so instead of extremes like 'black and white' or 'hot and cold', it's more like… 'mildly warm and slightly chilly'. NegaKim was stronger in some ways, and I needed her to help me stay alive. Problem was, she's not very good at taking the steps to heal, so I kinda got stuck in this limbo. Not getting worse, but not getting better, either."

"Ohhh," was all she breathed. But she was listening with rapt attention, rocking back and forth on her boots as I babbled. "Then you made the cage yourself?"

"Maybe. Probably a combination of me and the Gideonflux. Like, that I gave it the power to really lock down my lighter side, or whatever. Like I said, metaphorical shit. But now that she's out, it's… not as hard to get closer to you."

Her body curled around mine, and I felt a little flutter. Call me a closet case if you want, but it still felt crazy being all affectionate with her in public. Now I was willing to let it happen, though. Princess Pine was part of me again and she gave me a different kind of power.

The power of love. It's a curious thing.

"NegaKim was actually doing pretty good at that before, y'know. I never felt like you were being mean just to be mean. Only that you were having trouble opening up."

"Bet you didn't suspect it was a fragment of Ramona's ex to blame," I snorted, and she laughed as she nuzzled my collarbone. "Jesus, what a crazy night."

After a moment's indecision, Knives took a step back, pulling my hands a little to get me to stand up. Then she held them out for a second before dropping them, and I kept them in that position with my eyebrows raising. After a slight crouch, she hopped up into my arms.

"HNGG! What are you doing?!"

"Letting you carry me home," she tittered, arms wrapping tightly around my neck as I threatened to buckle under her.

"Thought I was supposed to be the princess and you the prince. Gender-nonspecific prince," I added hastily. Didn't seem to have bothered her in the slightest, if the kiss to my nose was any indicator.

"We're whatever we want to be. C'mon, let's go!"

God, she felt so good. Didn't have the heart to drop her, even if my back wasn't thrilled with hauling her all the way back to my place. Just didn't want to let her go.

                                                 To Be Concluded…