#killjoysanonymous shauna 01

[feminaferitas]

@killjoysanonymous {shauna} didn't come to get Jackie out of the cold. Lottie did.

Everything about her was numb, cold, frozen. Jackie caught glimpses and blinks of life moving around her, as she was practically dragged in from the cold, unable to stand or even understand what was happening. She was all of thirty feet from that cabin door and yet her pride had prevented her from returning to it. Soon enough, the danger and snow had settled over her like a blanket, biting deep. And if it hadn't been for Lottie's insistence, Jackie might have frozen to death in the cold snap.

If she could feel her skin or her shame, her cheeks might have been flushed with heat at the thought of her outburst leading to such a reckless outcome.

It took a short time to bring the water to a lukewarm consistency over the fire, but it was still something they hadn't prepared for. Misty explained the stages of frostbite and how to thaw the girl -- she was not allowed to put her hands to the fire no matter how good of an idea it sounded. Only time would tell how critical the damage was, but for now, Jackie was to be put in the tub and left to soak like the frozen dinner you forgot to take out while your mom was running errands.

God, she was so tired. So cold. Too cold to feel how deeply in pain she really was.

They had tried not to wake everyone, and teammates were headed back to sleep one by one -- but someone had to watch Jackie. To fish her out of the water once she wasn't numb, and to help wrap her hands with whatever passed for clean cloth out here. She wanted to be seen and talked to as little as possible at this point, considering that just a few hours prior she'd made her big, dramatic stand. This didn't change her feelings (well, maybe a little about Lottie) and the last person she wanted to be trapped with was--

Shauna.

Jackie saw her friend approach and said nothing, staring into the middle distance as she sat waiting to feel something, anything, knowing her reward for not dying was an onslaught of pain. Least of all from the one she thought was her best friend.

[feminaferitas]

Jackie hated not being in control of things -- her team, her best friend, even her goddamn fingertips as she desperately awaited sensation to return. She was starting to be able to get them to move, but she still couldn't feel herself, feel that they were a part of her. Everything felt strange to her, like she didn't recognize her body or her life as it was. And Shauna? The girl's words echoed in her mind, that maybe Jackie never knew who Shauna was.

And now that the heat of the moment had cooled, she felt like she was being iced out once again.

Her position here was incredibly vulnerable, sitting bare in the wash basin full of lukewarm water so as not to scald her nerves. Jackie sighed as Shauna approached, defeated. How much of her anger was at her friend, and how much of it was at the wilderness that had taken everything from her? And did any of it really matter at this point, when both had worked together to nearly get her killed?

"Guess you were right... I really don't know you as well as I thought," she managed, trying not to let her teeth chatter too much. The water wasn't all that warm, really. And in the winter air that filled the cabin, not that warm meant almost cold. But when Jackie's fingers were literally frozen, anything was better than being outside in the elements.

She sighed, looking up at Shauna and then back down to her own hands. The girl tried to keep as much of herself submerged as possible, keeping compact and probably looking smaller and more pathetic than usual. It was hard to look at Shauna and see the visible evidence of the way she'd gone behind Jackie's back, fucked Jeff, and then lied about it for so long. Even Taissa knew before she did. Had Jackie really been such a bad friend to Shauna all this time?

"Well... I'm clearly not going anywhere. So take a seat, Shipman. If you're going in for round two on You Don't Know Shauna, I've got about thirty more minutes 'til I thaw out, by Misty's estimation," she grumbled, looking back at her friend while trying to hide the betrayal on her pale face. "Did you hear her talking about the blisters? Yeah, apparently frostbite's a bitch to bounce back from. But I guess that's better than being dead."

She was going to have a wave of regret that she figured would NEVER truly go away.

What would have happened if Lottie hadn't found common sense, common decency to go out there to bring Jackie back in? The thought riddled her mind, an intense pain she felt in her chest with each thump of her heart. Her eyes lingered as she glanced around the room where they all slept, unable to stop fidgeting with her nails as she waited for the question that would soon come. And as she waited, her mind still continued to ask the worse of them, like how close had she had been to pushing her friend to the point of no return?

When it came time to volunteer on who would keep the girl company, Shauna took the job immediately. A part of her was STILL so unaware of what she could possibly say to fix things, what she could do to ease the disposition they were in now.

Her feet felt more weighted than ever as she walked to the room where Jackie was now. Eyes kept shifted towards the ground, the shrug of her shoulders as she stepped in. For a brief moment, she glanced up to see Jackie stare forward, almost ignoring her presence in a way. That reaction made her stomach drop, put into her mind just how INSANE it was to expect that their friendship could so easily be fixed.

"I uh-" she shifted on the balls of her feet, her shoulders shrugged back as she spoke. For a moment, her teeth chewed on her cheek, Shauna looking for whatever courage she could muster to finish her sentence. "I know I'm the last person you want to see right now, but... I just-" she paused, knowing just how ULTIMATELY insane her words were most likely going to sound. As she took another breath for courage, her head tilted to the side. "It's the only place I want to be right now."

[feminaferitas]

Jackie nodded slowly at the confirmation. Lottie, the one who was telling them to thank the dirt and the trees and the dead animals for their bounty, or some shit. Was Jackie supposed to thank the snow for not killing her? Did she even want to thank Lottie? She wasn't sure what to feel, honestly. "Yeah, it's pretty fucking bleak, isn't it?"

She wanted so badly to believe this was just... normal life. Shauna and Jackie having quiet talk at a sleepover. But the truth of everything was starting to hit her and the frozen girl could feel her throat constrict remembering just how much her supposed friend had said before Jackie stormed out. That shit didn't come out of nowhere -- Shauna had a lot of deep feelings brewing. Hell, she told her fucking diary more than she was willing to share with Jackie. Yeah, it had been Jackie's own stupid choice to march her ass outside and sleep alone (only after she herself had tried to force Shauna out, controlling to the last). And she was too pathetic to start a fucking fire, too prideful to return after her friend embarrassed her in front of everyone.

Jackie pressed her eyes shut and lips together and put her head to her knees, trying not to cry again. Maybe she'd get lucky and find all her tears were still frozen inside of her.

"You're not disgusting, Shauna," she said somewhat harshly, head still pointed downwards at the water. Maybe Jackie hadn't been kind enough to her friend. Maybe that's why she felt the need to lash out behind her back, then to her face. But this wasn't kindness, it was frustration and confusion and exhaustion and while they were sitting here, it might as well come out. "You are not disgusting. But you're fucking pregnant, you're dangerous, and I don't know how long you've been waiting to tear into me but I know that did not just spring up in the heat of the moment."

Jackie's last 48 hours had been a whirlwind, from the Doomcoming disaster to watching Lottie kill the bear (Shauna handed her the knife), now this? And god, she wished she could pretend this was going to be the moment where she and Shauna could put that all behind them and apologize. But Jackie almost died, and Shauna almost killed Travis, and everyone was turning on their former team captain and maybe Jackie was feeling like a trapped animal, sitting with the butcher, deadly with a knife.

"I'm scared too, Shauna," Jackie admitted, finally lifting her head. Her face was still cold and pale, but a healthy flush was coming back to her cheeks as the heat of emotion brought tears to her eyes. "Maybe you were right, high school was the best it would ever get for me. I don't know what everyone is becoming out here and I thought my best friend was here with me, but... god, I just don't know what to think anymore."

Her words stung, but she knew she deserved them. The instinct she had to go after Jeff was misguided, a certain FEELING she hadn't quite dug into why just yet. And for that sin, she was already punished, wandering about the woods pregnant and ultimately alone. Sure, she wasn't sure who SHAUNA SHIPMAN was anymore, but neither did Shauna, even now as she sat there. That terrifying truth glared back at her day in and day out, a flicker of just how fractured she had become.

"People have celebrated worse," she added, even now a part of her wanting to be THERE for Jackie even when she felt her decision only broke the girls apart now. "Natalie will survive another day too. It's not like her and Travis were going to skip HAPPILY into the woods together. Everything's like... Pretty much doomed out here," she sighed, nodding her head. "Yeah, it was Lottie."

That truth rang in her ears now, a reminder of just how AWFUL she had been, almost putting Jackie's life in danger. And at what cost? To finally be honest? Honesty wasn't meant to cause this sort of physical damage, it wasn't supposed to be as AWFUL as actual battle scars. That harsh realization hung over her head now, her teeth dug in deeper into her cheek.

"At least we've got someone to compete with on full zombie status," a small laugh fell from her lips, her head shook from side to side. They were quite the pair, weren't they? "I feel like I get MORE and MORE disgusting by the day. Like... Full on monster mode," Shauna let out a nervous laugh, her eyes closed for a moment as she let that set in. The reality of her situation was haunting, a nonstop PRAYER, no matter how religious she wasn't, that someone would find them soon.

"Well, I guess it's good we get STARTED now," Shauna's shoulders shrugged, her fingers dug into her nails on her thumbs. Her nose crinkled at the idea of answering HONESTLY, the sort of thing that had made her lie time and time again. The truth was the fear that she felt, the lingering cloud that EVERYTHING was going to continue to get worse. "I guess like... I'm scared? Everything like sucks, we all feel like IMMENSE shit all the time. But I'm like really FUCKING scared."

[feminaferitas]

Jackie frowned and furrowed her brows, looking over at Shauna. She was... surprised by the admission. Yeah, of course Jackie couldn't really know about her best friend if she didn't tell her things. But, then again, maybe Jackie had created the sort of situation where Shauna felt she couldn't tell her things. In fact, when was the last time she actually asked her friend what she wanted instead of telling her what she should aspire to?

"I mean, I get it. Fucking someone else's boyfriend behind their back isn't exactly something worth celebrating," she said, her harsh expression softening. Jackie's voice was small and rough, as if her words themselves were fighting past frozen lips. "I bet Scatorccio's disappointed I live to die another day. Guess I can thank Lottie for that one... it... was Lottie, right?"

The memory was hazy, pierced by frozen cold and half-asleep delirium. Jackie pictured the warmth, the cabin interior, and then the feeling of floating... when her senses came back she was on the cabin floor with Misty touching her in ways she could not feel. She was undressed and put into the basin, and now here they were. Her fight with Shauna was mere hours ago, fresh as the driven snow that almost snuffed her lights out.

Sitting here with Shauna, Jackie could almost imagine them back in the locker room showering after a big game. All steam and suds and shit talking the other team's midfielders. She lifted a hand to look at yellowed fingertips -- it was better than the blue they were before, but still, she couldn't feel anything. Jackie lowered her hand under the surface again, listening to the gentle slap of water on the sides of the metal tub. Then she looked back at Shauna and almost managed a playful look of disgust.

"Gross, Shipman. At this rate, we'll be competing for leper of the year if we get through this," she said, rolling her eyes. Is this what their familiar friendship had faded into? Still, Jackie's expression fell again at the mention of the pregnancy. It was something she couldn't protect Shauna from -- her friend had made her choices. Lottie dragged Jackie in from the cold, but there was nothing any of them could do to help the girl and her baby at this point. Just hope for the best -- Misty surely knew something about delivering a baby, right?

"I... Shauna, I have so many questions," she croaked, her mind racing. "I guess... let's start with, how are you feeling? Like, honest to god, no more of this 'let's not tell Jackie' bullshit. I want to know what's going through your head right now."

Who was Shauna? It was a question she asked herself over and over again. She wasn't entirely SURE of who she was, that question pondered in her mind over and over again. Even now as she stood there, a part of her asked herself if she truly was Jackie's best friend? And that wasn't because she didn't CHERISH the connection they had, but because of the chaos she had now pulled into their radius.

Their argument still played out in her head, all the secrets she had kept barely felt worth it now. It all the more made her chest ache, the idea she didn't believe she could SIMPLY tell her about what colleges she applied for nor had she ever actually had to connect with Jeff. There was that feeling that maybe in the end, she was the BAD person here. How had she survived the crash and until now with that weight and karma growing moment by moment.

"That was... It was stupid of me to say," the words followed with a frown of her lips, her eyes glanced downward. Shauna's hand raised, her fingers ran through her hair as she still stood in the doorway for a moment. "It was... Uh- it was my fault I just didn't tell you about some things. I dunno... I guess I'm not sure why I ever kept it a secret-"

With that thought, she took the next step forward and into the room. She attempted to respect Jackie's privacy, her glance went towards the wall instead until she found a good place to sit on the ground. Her arms wrapped around her knees, her chin sat on top of them as she glanced back towards her. The room now felt heavier than her legs as she did her best to bring an exhale in.

"Thirty minutes? I don't think I need that long," she let out a small laugh, her knees hid the small smile on her lips. "I guess I'm just... You can ask me any questions you might have or whatever or-" Shauna's shoulders shrugged, her head tilted to the side. "I definitely think blisters are a lot better than being dead. We can compare, I've got a few like really gross ones on my ankles since I've been putting on weight."