#kid: IF YOU MAKE ME EAT MORE CARROTS I WILL GO MISSING-NIN--

[mixelation]

people in my life keep having babies so childrearing has been on my mind recently. here's some vaguely homemade dynamite-compliant itadei baby headcanons no one asked for

so first i want to preface this with: i don't intend to actually write an itadei baby into homemade dynamite. this is more like "for those of you wondering how this would go down." my mikoto definitely wants grandbabies, so i have already written at least one conversation about a surrogate that they both hate lmao.

i don't think itachi would want kids. i do think he likes the idea of his loved ones having kids he gets to spoil. if sasuke or shisui had a kid? he's there! i think in his whacky itachi-brain he is capable of being like "if my partner had a baby, i would uncle that baby so hard" but is not into spawning his own offspring. weird, bad feelings there. i think he would struggle with connecting to his own baby unless the baby took after his partner (or sasuke lmao).

i think deidara has never once considered having a kid and the idea would freak him out. but also i think once the baby was a Thing in his life, he'd be much better at connecting with them then itachi.

all that being said: i think even though he theoretically has a duty as clan heir to produce more heirs, itachi would reject the idea of being the sperm donor. the baby is genetically deidara + some uchiha lady mikoto very carefully picked out.

i am going to make the baby a girl, for reasons of diversifying pronouns for writing. she has tiny hands with tiny mouths??? itachi was weirded out at first and didn't even want to talk to their poor surrogate but now he is in love. weird cute mini deidara

i recognize that itachi and deidara are both very likely to produce the most fucked up kid in the universe. however, i don't want to write about them fucking up a kid except in vaguely comedic ways, so i'm going with this angle: itachi and deidara do not give a shit what their kid wants to do with their spare time. they are very supportive of the kid just.... doing her own thing. it does not occur to them to intervene in "problems" until they are already happening.

your kid is failing class? oh shit, i guess we should make sure you do your homework. your kid bit someone? uuuh don't do that unless they really deserve it, i guess. your kid can't hold a fucking kunai? surely we taught her that--

the kid is deidara's and mikoto would only let a Top Kunoichi birth her grandbaby, so i want to kid to be the "disaster genius" brand of character. she picks up things infuriatingly easily but her parents have completely failed to give her real structure so her academy years are a lot of "okay so i don't actually know how to sharpen a kunai--"

she creates deeply stupid problems for herself, and she is then very good at solving them in increasingly unhinged ways. she is a "i put on a fire by adding more fire" type of person. a "i solved the problem by creating ten new problems" kid. a "i don't know how to do division but luckily i solved the question using backwards-multiplication, a thing i just made up that works exactly like division except it made my project partner cry." she is very bad at explaining herself to other people. her dads think she is fine and normal

so she is a very clever and talented kid, who does not have to work particularly hard to get ahead of her peers, but also she fucks up in new and spectacularly ways that prevent her from getting an ego. she is confident in her ability to figure out how to do whatever she wants to do and has a very "I can do it!!" attitude, but she doesn't particularly like applying herself to things she thinks are boring or she isn't immediately good at, which will cause problems for her once she graduates

she has a very strong sense of herself, so once the "imagine the SHEER DESTRUCTIVE POWERS of basically girl-deidara with a sharingan--" start happening, i think she'd reject the idea immediately. yes she DID set that abandoned building on fire, but you don't understand-- it was one part accident two parts an act of HEALING CREATION--

[cyhyr]

Whumptober Day 15

Fandom: Naruto

Rating: T

Pairing: Kakashi & Naruto & Iruka; Iruka/Kakashi (pre-relationship)

WC: ~930

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Additional Tags: sick fic, hunger, sick child, poverty, mentions of sex work

A/N: This is another scene within my Missing Nin verse that @atereal came up with. The other scene I've written within this verse is here.

Tagging for Whumptober: @sweetysamaa, @atereal, @kelkage, @stupidbadgers

~

Kakashi looks around, checking to make sure he hasn’t been followed, before ducking into the shack they are renting for now and immediately putting the wards back up. Once inside, he relaxes and steps out of his sandals, and then crosses the tiny room to the futon.

On it, Naruto coughs, loud and long and phlegmy. Beside him, Iruka curls him tighter into his arms and rubs his back until the coughs cease. They’re both covered by the one thin blue blanket they have. Naruto groans in his sleep, nuzzling into Iruka’s chest.

“Hey,” Kakashi whispers, kneeling beside them and placing a hand on Naruto’s tiny back, next to Iruka’s hand.

Iruka’s eyes open the barest amount. His face is flushed with fever, but he smiles when he catches Kakashi’s eye. “Hey, yourself,” he murmurs. His voice is rough.

“I have rice,” Kakashi says. “And a few vegetables. Will he eat?”

Iruka nods. “If we can get him up,” he says, gently shaking Naruto. “Hey buddy. Kaka-nii-san is back, and he’s got food.”

Naruto doesn’t stir, save for another groan.

“If he’s not going to—”

“Naruto, c’mon,” Iruka shakes him a little harder. “You gotta eat, kiddo. Wake up.”

The four-year-old whimpers softly and blinks his eyes open. “Wan’ asleep, Iru-nii…”

Iruka nuzzles his bangs. “Eat first, then you can sleep some more.” With his help, Naruto sits up and leans back against Iruka’s chest.

Kakashi takes down his mask, smiling at them both. He gives Naruto the carrots he’d harvested earlier that day, and felt his chest clench as the kid’s face lights up as he bites into one of them.

He can’t tell Iruka that the carrots are technically stolen, that he was supposed to bring all of his harvest to the foreman but he managed to pocket these three, smaller ones. He also can’t tell Iruka about the other vegetables he’d managed to trade for, because Iruka had made him swear not to whore himself out for food anymore and he’d broken that promise at the thought of bringing back more than just carrots.

Kakashi takes the sack of rice out of his pouch and takes it over to their little kitchenette—really just a camp stove and a single pot stuck in a corner, along with their wash basin, bowls, mugs, and utensils. He measures water from a bottle, also bought with today’s earnings, and gets the rice cooking.

And that’s when Naruto cries out, “Iru-nii!!”

Kakashi looks up and crosses back to the futon in a second, picking Iruka up off of where he’d slumped over Naruto’s shoulders, unconscious and—gods, burning up.

Naruto’s cough comes back, the boy covering his mouth with his elbow. “Is—” he coughs again, “Is he gonna be alright?”

Kakashi doesn’t know. He shakes Iruka gently and taps his cheek with a bare palm. Iruka, just barely, begins to stir, and Kakashi sighs in relief. “He’ll be alright, Naruto. How about you finish those carrots I brought you?”

As he finishes his question, both his and Iruka’s stomachs growl loud enough to echo in the shack, and Naruto frowns. “Ka—”

“Please, Naruto. Go eat. I’ll… keep trying to wake Iruka up. The rice should only be another fifteen minutes.”

“And then you and Iru-nii will eat, too, right?”

Kakashi sighs, and reiterates, “Eat, please. Iruka would want you to eat. You won’t get over your cold on an empty stomach.”

“But what about Iru-nii?! He’s sick too!”

“He can’t keep anything down,” Kakashi groans. “Please, Naruto, stop fighting me and just—”

“NO. You both need food, too!” Naruto holds out the two carrots he hasn’t eaten and glares at Kakashi. “I’ll wait for the rice. You eat, too.”

And Kakashi. His stomach cramps with hunger—he’s been working on empty for over two days, but it’s so much more important that Naruto eat, and that Iruka gets better. But he can’t deny that he’s hungry, and so, against what he knows Iruka would want, he takes the carrot from Naruto’s tiny fingers and nibbles at it.

Naruto comes and snuggles against him, coughing again. Kakashi pulls the blanket around Naruto’s shoulders and tucks him to his side.

The rice finishes cooking.

Iruka doesn’t wake up.

Kakashi had hoped that he could have saved the other vegetables he’d gotten for breakfast. But after portioning out the rice and giving Naruto his bowl, and realizing that Iruka’s not going to wake up, he instead takes the single celery bunch, onion, and eggplant he’d received for his services earlier, and gets another pot of water boiling.

He adds the vegetables, plus the carrot tops, and boils them down. Twenty more minutes and he has a thin vegetable broth, which he pours into Iruka’s mug. It smells… well, it’s not his best. But the nutrients from the vegetable should have leached into the water, so it should help.

Kakashi gathers Iruka’s thin body back into his arms and lap, and, with Naruto’s careful help, pours small amounts of broth down Iruka’s throat. He rubs his throat to encourage him to swallow instead of inhale, and it takes forever but soon the mug is empty and Iruka curls up in his arms and presses his cheek to Kakashi’s chest.

Naruto settles himself on top of Iruka’s thighs, leaning in to snuggle with Kakashi as well. He pulls the blanket over the two sick members of this little family he’s somehow made, and holds them both through the night. He won’t have the energy to work the fields in the morning, but at least Iruka and Naruto are fed and safe and warm.