#khoa: guess i have no choice but to do it for you

[blenderfullasarcasm]

started catching up on some batman comics and oops I have a new favorite character

[hellotvv]

Fun stories and realizations

When I hung out with Cat and Jenn yesterday during lunch, we talked about how our friends talk about us behind our backs. Like not in a bad way, but like we wonder how our friends talk about us when we’re not there. Catherine brought up the one thing that she hates about me is that her parents like me more than her current bf LOL. Her mom was like wow why aren’t you dating Theo, he’s so nice!! I appreciated it so much. Idk I like it when parents like me and I’m glad her mom and grandma likes me. It makes me think and realize that I’m actually not that bad with parents. I’m really good with one of my old best friend’s mom, she still asks about me to this day lol. My first gf Kristy’s mom liked me and still remembers me to this day! A couple other parents like me too, and I think it’s funny how cat’s parents like me hehe that they like me more than her bf. Idk I guess it’s a nice contrast with my ex. Since it felt like her friends didn’t really approve of me and neither did her family… but it felt so misunderstood :( since they never really got to know me as a person. I drove cat and her mom to meet fresh (ice cream) in Irvine, and I guess talked to her mom, and she got to know me and like me as a person. She’s a really strict mom too jesus! So idk, I feel like given the chance to actually sit down and get to know me (besides being a picky eater which I worked on), I think I can be a pretty nice, talkative, and charming boy?

Anyways, besides that story. I’ve been making an effort to hang out with friends back home more. From jia, to my cousin Khoa and his sister going to sb, Vivi, catherine, hope, Fyona, jenn (new friend nowadays woo), Helene and erika tomorrow, kristy (ex gf one), and yeah! Idk good to keep in touch with friends :) glad we’re all still friends hanging out years later!

I went to anime expo with catherine and it was alright. I’ve been every year, so it kinda became the same to me. I got a bit burnt out from spending too much time with ppl, and I felt like chilling at home by myself. But I suppressed that urge and try to make time with friends. Catherine said something that made me think tho. She was at the con with me and she said, she kinda wished her bf was here. I knew how she felt perfectly. I could recall a year ago, at the oc night market with Helene, stefanie was in Taiwan, and I remember wishing she was there with me. It felt like idk empty or weird like man this is cool and fun, but it would be a lot nicer with her here to share the experience with. But when I was at the con, although I understood how she felt. I felt just fine? Since I guess, I got used to being by myself and happy on my own or happy with friends. So i didn't really feel like oh it would be nice with x person was here right now. I guess it just means that I've become more independent and can be happy on my own, but it also means that idk can't really be sad if there's no one special to miss..?

Anyways, I realized some things about myself tho. I do think that I made some progress as a personal mentally. I know I haven't been the best bf in the past, I've made dumb mistakes, and regret a lot of them. I like to think that I learned from them, and can truly be a better person for someone special now. I like to think about what I have to offer, since idk I guess I think that relationships should improve someone's quality of life. I heard that from Jessica a long time ago. I felt like that's true, it should, and I want to be a great person for myself, but also for a SO. Since why would you not wanna be a good SO? Idk I feel like anyone who cares for me and I care for them, I should be in a place that I could idk protect them, treat them well, and can actually make them happy. Something I also realized is that for a SO, I really like when my SO is my best friend. But also a partner that I could do things with. I know it's good to have time apart and be independent. But it would be nice if idk I'm my SO first thought when it comes to cool things to do with. Like I wanna be such a special person to her and good company that when she thinks of like concerts or new places to try or just things to do, she wants to do with me first. I don't mean do everything with me. But it would be nice to be a first choice, since idk I wanna be my SO's #1 best friend that they would want to do special things or cool things with first if it's something that would appeal to both of us. Also I'm always down to make sacrifices and tag along to things, if it'll make her happy. Since I'm all about idk enjoying life and making memories together. So yeah, something I realized I want in a SO. Someone who would want to spend as much time with me, as much as I would with them. I could see an argument that I want to spend too much time with my SO, but that's subjective I guess. Since I'm a big fan of my alone time, browsing internet, reading, doing my hobbies, but I like some time to call or chat with my SO. Then it would be nice for me to spend vacations with them making memories, since typically busy during normal school year to make fun memories. Idk I guess just need someone who thinks same way :) if not, then obviously compromise is needed, since nobody is perfect. Everyone has their own opinions and own thoughts, and relationships between two ppl will always need some compromise! So yeahhh, prob someone who can compromise and be willing to make sacrifices is something i need to. Like fk I'm willing to sacrifice some comfort occasionally if it means that my SO will be happy, and honestly it'll make me happy in the end too! :) hopefully my futures SO will feel the same way too.

But yeah just random thoughts and analysis on what I realized I want and fun stories. Summer is good, and gonna try to make this year great! I'm gonna try to be happy and stay happy like always :)

[happyhollow-mellowmarsh]

Hand in Bracelet || Blakeley || 1.5 || Re: Natalie, Star, Haven

  Every time she thought she was done talking, something just had to pop up and snap her back into this hellscape. She's gone through every emotion, then no emotion; what the fuck did she do now? Every dialect to see if it made her feel something again? Interpretive dance depicting just how emotionally drained she was from this nightmarish day? Still, it felt necessary for her to do something else. Two people she cared about deeply were at each other's throats, and one of them was willing to let her go without a second thought over something she still didn't regret. Isn't that something people typically reacted to? There was no true easy way to go about this, but doing something about the item connecting her with Star seemed like a good start. She stared at her wrist, still unable to let her emotional guard down as she made a difficult decision. Everytime she blinked, there seemed to be some new subject, and everyone else took on an entirely different opinion. It wasn't safe to relax until she was out of this trial room and someone was dead. At least she knew how to handle grieving people by now

  "You said my reasoning better than I ever could, but I wanna clear one thing up, as pointless as it is. I don't want to destroy her for it. I don't want you to alienate yourself again cause things are shitty...I don't want to lose even more people today. I've already lost two, possibly more depending on this mess of a vote. I still care about Star a lot...but if she doesn't want to speak to me ever again then I can't stop that, I guess" she says plainly, almost relieved to not be villainized for relying on fate in a way different from everyone else. At the end of the day, it didn't truly matter how people saw her, but having Nat also upset at her would've undoubtedly left a wound that cut through the shield she had up. 

  As she was explaining herself, Blakeley slowly began to remove her friendship bracelet, stalled only by a nagging voice in the back of her head that told her to at least try with Star. It was an uphill battle she was likely to lose, but maybe there was a chance they could put their differences aside and remember the things that made them such a good duo….That was unlikely though. She had to brush that thought aside and continue to watch the magic item leave her wrist before she set herself up for failure yet again…

  But then, something happened. Without having to say anything else, Star herself began to crumble and regret her decisions. Was this something Blakeley wanted? Not being quite as hated was kinda cool, but that shouldn't come at the cost of Star's self esteem and beliefs. That's when Blakeley began to realize the real origin of this chaos. No one here was willing to accept the decisions others made. They had to justify any little choice, then cry and declare their own worthlessness if what they were doing seemed wrong. There was no point in that sort of argument though; not if the vote was always going to be divided no matter what. After a moment of almost concerning stillness, the builder slides the almost removed bracelet back onto her wrist, and gives her hand a tight, reassuring squeeze. She looks to Haven and also shoots them a quick thumbs up, thankful they had holding Natalie's hand covered. Actually, they said almost everything she wanted to say at the moment. It was weird to agree with them, but she felt it happening

  "Haven's right, no one should be blamed or judged for their vote. No one should feel the need to separate themselves cause they vote in a way not everyone will agree with. Nothing is right or wrong when it comes to these trials, and the only shitty thing you can do other than actual murder is try and convince someone why they're correct or not. We all have different viewpoints, different connections to the victims, and we're all gonna be fucking miserable no matter what's decided. But, if we just stop this pointless back and forth and vote how we want, we'll all have at least one person willing to help us cope with the aftermath.  Vote how you want, deal with what happens later...and for fuck's sake, do all that with an indoor voice. You guys are loud" 

  For the first time since Khoa's death, something that almost resembled a smile came to her. It was painfully hollow like everything on her face, but it existed nonetheless, and it was directed towards the two girls who made her speak up again in the first place

  "I'm gonna need a little bit of time to myself afterwards to get out of this funk and deal with the one thing I have the strength to deal with. But after that, you guys have me to fall back on if you're still willing to talk. All but two people in this room still have me, regardless of your vote.... Still not over the whole murder and hurting me thing though; that's just fucked up. And that's what I'll continue to stick to"

[happyhollow-mellowmarsh]

Hand in Hand | Haven | Trial 3.5 | Re: RIP, Natalie, Star

With the debates happening, and the arguments about morals and voting and whatever else, Haven is just… tired. They don’t want to keep debating this, but they know there’s no end to it in sight, not until Hex tells them they’ve done enough. And what horrors would happen then, with the results? No option sounds promising. 

“I don’t think that Hex will mark Khoa as a correct vote. It’s- If you want to vote for him, know that you’re putting yourself and everyone else at risk of SOMETHING when you do, at least. Whatever it is won’t be easy either, especially not if we have to do this entire ‘who lives and who very possibly dies’ thing all over again, with no way out of it.

It’s not BETTER, it’s just- Different. I’ve said it before, but there aren’t any good options, and being forced to pick one shitty one over another isn’t something we can control, even if we can pick which one.”

But Natalie… They don’t know if she’s right or not, about opening up to people. They’ve also been distant with most of the others, with people in general. It IS far safer to just not let anyone in, to be selfish and alone but content in their solitude, or at least it has been for most of their life. But that little burrowing feeling of attachment they’ve grown towards her stops them from immediately agreeing internally, even if they don’t speak up against it verbally either just yet.

Instead, they see her grabbing at her knife dangerously hard, and they detangle themself from her enough so that they can reach forward and set their hand on top of both of hers, gently asking for the knife. When the allows them, they take it and one hand and hold it carefully, before offering their other one for her to take. They don’t enjoy the contact, and they know she knows they don’t either, but they’re willing to give it so that she has something less dangerous to hold on to.

“Hey. If we get out of here, I still wanna see your forest in person, y’know? Maybe living out in the woods together would be fun, when it’s not a murder swamp. But… things won’t be easy either way. You might get hurt, but that doesn’t mean some things aren’t worth doing too, I guess. A lot of fun things risk harm too, y’know, even if I wouldn’t call anything fun right now.”

And then… they turn to Star, looking right at her.

“Star. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve suffered before you’ve come here. This isn’t some suffering olympics, or at least it really fucking shouldn’t be, and we’ve all felt like shit while here anyways so it doesn’t really matter. Killing you wouldn’t make things better on anyone else either, because believe it or not, you do have people who care about you too here.”

They take a deep breath, before sighing, and finally reaching forwards towards the crystal ball to cast their own vote with the hand still holding the knife, funnily enough. It clinks softly on the surface of it, before they take their hand back and look up again at everyone.

“Stop it with the choosing because you think it’s what other people want you to do if you don’t actually want to do it, or what you THINK other people want you to do because I see some of you doing that too. This is your own life, and your own choice. All of you. What you want to risk should be up to you in any fucking direction.

You’ll just regret it more if you don’t follow what you actually want to pick, so at fucking least actually vote how you want to with something as important as this.”

They’re still scared of what the outcome to this will be, but at the very least they’d be following their own advice.