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regressionanxiety · 5 years

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From Russia With Love (1963)

Time for that second Bond movie y’all! Like last time it is basically me recapping the movie with my own comments thrown in so you know, spoilers (also one for the last season of Designated Survivor, because I’m like that).

Ah after a brief look through the barrel of the gun we enter the classic Bond cold open for the first time! Bond is playing cat and mouse with a broad shouldered blond in a fancy garden with statues and hedges and shit. The blond man pulls a wire out of his watch and strangles Bond, oh no! Flood lights turn on and we see many men wearing the exact same outfit (black on black, turtlenecks). The man is congratulated on his perfect time (1 min 52 sec). Then we take a look at Bond on the ground, wait, it isn’t Bond? It’s a mask! It is another man, still dead though.

INTROTIME! This time it is the credits projected onto a dancing woman's body (007 of course gets the breasts). The great thing about this franchise is that it will never let you forget just how misogynistic it is.

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This time we start in Venice. We know this because there are canalboats and a big sign that says that we’re at “Venice international grandmasters championship” A chess tournament then, and on the board of the next match is a reminder that we are a long time ago and that czechoslovakia is still a thing (also the indoor smoking), just like on one of the maps we had when I was a kid in school because they couldn’t afford to replace it. Anywhoo, Venice, chess.

Scene change, we’re now in a floating lair (a boat or maybe I should say ship, big yacht?), there’s a small aquarium with fish that eat each other, a white cat being petted by hands attached to a man whose face is not yet revealed who is issuing commands to a russian woman. He/they are SPECTRE of course, our old enemy. She is “number three”, he has a hideous ring with the SPECTRE octopus symbol. Number 5 joins them, he is the Czechoslovakian chess player (Kronsteen???) (who won), together they discuss their evil plan. They are stealing some decoding machine from the Russian in order to do so they need a female from the Russian cryptography section in Turkey and British intelligence, they will of course not know that they are being used. Bonus: They may get revenge for the murder of Dr. No. Number 5 has made it obvious that it is a trap because British intelligence won’t be able to resist it.

Now we’re back at the estate of the opening scene, where fake Bond was killed. Blond Man is tanning on a blanket, a blonde woman is joining him as a helicopter carrying Number 3 arrives.

Ah, those lazy bottle bleached days...Nr. 3 is looking for a Grant, ostensibly the Mr. Blond. They walk through the tranining facilites and the guy who met Nr. 3 brags about them using live targets on occasion, because training is well and good, but cannot replace experience. She finds him acceptable. I like Nr. 3, she’s a little subvertive (but of course she is evil *eyeroll*).

Ah, here appears a Russian woman, presumably the aforementioned “female” Tatiana Romanova (wow, such russian). Nr. 3 has reading glasses thicker than coke bottle bottoms.

Those subtitles say “I will obey your orders” and so she will, otherwise she’d be dead. Nr. 3 is not to be trifeld with. Romanova has been hand picked to be a seductress, to Bond presumably. Who we meet in the next scene, he’s in a boat with a woman, Syliva, who caresses a scar on his back and asks if it is from another woman who was jealous, “yes, but I haven’t turned my back on one since” he replies. We met Sylvia in Dr. No, he had to leave for Jamaica then. Their little outing is interrupted by beeping that means Bond must phone the office, which of course needs him, and so Sylvia doesn’t get quite as much attenton as she wanted, but he makes time for some “lunch”.

Back at M’s office they realize it’s a trap (Nr. 5 was clearly correct in is analysis of British intelligence), but Bond is intrigued once he sees the picture of the stunning Romanova, of course.

Enter Q, Bond gets toys this time around! Not just a new gun like last time, now he gets a suitcase with twenty hidden rounds of ammunition, a secret throwing knife, and AR7 folding snipers rifle, .25 caliber with infrared telescopic sight, some hidden 50 gold sovereigns in the handle, a tin of talcum powder that is teargas that will explode if you open the suitcase in the normal way, instead Bond must first turn the catches horizontally, then open normally. Bond thinks this is ridiculous.

Then he says goodbye to Miss Moneypenny with the traditional flirtation that goes nowhere and gets his plane ticket to Istanbul, gives Miss Moneypenny the picture of Romanova and writes “from Russia with love” on it. Oh Bond...

He lands in Istanbul and someone is following him already, because of course they are, two mustached men as well as the SPECTRE hired Grant. The mustaches are hunagrians hired by the russians according to the driver, “they follow us, we follow them, it’s a sort of understanding we have.”

The driver takes him to Kerim Bey, who says the driver is is son, so are all his top employees because blood is the only thing to be trusted. I think he is in for a rude awakening at some point. Kerim warns him that it is a foolish endeavor and that he should spend a few days enjoying Istanbul and then go home.

We see Grant again, with someone gagged and bound in the back seat. Bond goes to his hotel, and it’s no dump, he’s in room 32, and it comes wired with bugs, luxurious! Bond asks for a new room because “the bed is to small”, they agree to show him the bridal suite

Meanwhile Grant dumps the car and the body of the man in the back outside the Russian consulate (I think), so that they will suspect the British, and as Nr. 3 says “the cold war in Istanbul won’t be cold very much longer”

The next morning Ali Kerim Bey’s office is bombed as he’s about to have sex with a woman who moaned his name until he put his papers down and gave her attention. She’s a spy for sure, because he’s not that interesting. Bond shows up later and he and Kerim Bey go down under the building, where there is some underground cave/channel and a boat (and rats).

Kerim Bey has a fuckin telescope under the Russian consulate! He runs through who is who, including the beautiful Romanova. They decide it is best Bond doesn’t go back to his hotel. Now they trick their tail and go visit Kerim Bey’s “Gypises” who he uses “Like the Russians use the Bulgars” this is going to be some racist stereotypical nonsense isn’t it?

Some Russians (one of them they saw in the telescope and is probably the guy who made the mine that blew up Kerim Bey’s office) are up to something, seeing Bond & Kerim Bey’s arrival.

Ah yes, two girls are in love with same man and are threatening to kill each other, it will be settled in the “gypsy way” whatever that is. Kerim Bey and Bond are invited to a table with them “I hope you are good at eating with your fingers,” he tells Bond. Ah, of course, belly dancing, a lil throwback to the intro credits that.

While Bond is being entertained, the Russians are creeping in. Mr. Grant of SPECTRE is also lurking about. The two women who are in love with the same man fights each other, just as one has a bottle over the other’s head the Russians crash the party. Fighting ensues, Bond saunters through with ease, or the secret aid of one SPECTRE agent who needs him alive long enough to aid with the decipher acquisition. Remember Bond has yet to meet Romanova, he’s only been here one night!

Bond has saved their leaders life, and is now “his son”, and asks if they can’t stop the “girl fight” - Oh Bond, they don’t need you you ass. The man says he can decide.

They are delivered to his tent and he is told to decide, it fades out to him saying “this might take som time” followed by a Connery smirk (he’s a very pouty man isn’t he? Also he’s in his thirties here...)

Bond and Kerim Bey go to take out the Russian who attacked the, since Kerim Bey has been shot, Bond has brought his little folding rifle. Kerim Bey insists on shooting even though he only has one arm. Bond lets him. There is a secret hatch in the wall, opening in the mouth of a woman who is postered there, ample opportunity for some jokes about her pretty mouth that...

Bond is back at his hotel now, doing the most human thing I’ve seen him do, kick of his shoes. Then he orders breakfast for one at nine, green figs, yogurt and coffee, very black. He slowly undresses and makes his way towards the bathroom, he sniffs something strange in the air. THen he hears thumps. He grabs his gun and goes to check it out, wearing nothing but a towel.

Enter Romanova. Naked, in bed. They greet, he tells her she is beautiful, she tells him she think her (very small) mouth is too big, he thinks it is just the right size and they kiss, or rather he kinda rubs his mouth against her. Really, I never enjoy kissing on screen, but Connery is terrible at it. He asks her for blueprints of the consulate, she promises it, but they will fuck first. She’s got one job, lay back and think of Russia. Nr. 3 & Grant are outside filming. It’s a porn now, I’m sure you can track down a recreation of this as an actual porn somewhere, rule 34 and all that.

I hope his dick is better than his kisses Ms. Romanova. The next day Romanova and Bond meet at St. Sophia, the Russian’s Ukrainan is following. Tourists are getting a very monotonous tour. Grant takes care of the Ukraininan as she’s about to steal the information left for Bond.

Bond & Kerim Bey have a chat about how mysterious it was with the Ukraininan, and Bond also says that Romanova will do anything for him, Kerim Bey does not believe that, he’s sure she’s a double agent. Bond says he only wants the dechiffrerer anyway, Kerim Bey asks “is that all?” and they have a chuckle.

Bond & Romanova meet on a boat, he has a camera that is really a tape recorder and he asks her questions about the decoding machine. She asks if he will make love to her in Englan, he says yes and we see M and the rest of the office listening to the tape. M ends up throwing Miss Moneypenny out of the room, she looks like she’s about to start laughing. She of course can listen in via the intercom at her desk, M. knows this and asks her to send Bond a “cable”. M. gives Bond the go-ahead for the deal over the decoder. Bond tells Romanova it will be on the fourteenth, not the thirteenth, even though it will be.

Bond walks into the russian consulate, a convenient bomb, set off by Kerim Bey in the tunnels below, causes chaos and he seeks out Romanova and the device. They escape down into the tunnels, but oh no, the rats!

They must go another way than inteded, Kerim Bey leads the way! They escape the Russians aboard a train, but Gran is of course there, they are playing straight into his hands, oh no! Will Bond get out of this pickle? The question should really be will Kerim Bey and Romanova get out of it.

One of the russians got onto the train after all, Benz, and they seek him out, stuff a handkerchief in his mouth and Kerim Bey sits down with him, to keep him company until it is time to get off. Well, that is until Kerim Bey is murdered. Grant of course, but they seem to think the Russian and Kerim Bey did each other in. Bond takes Kerim’s yellow cigarette holder or whatever, and looks sad. He has lost a friend.

The train trundles past Kerim’s son who is supposed to pick them up along the tracks and he is confuse. Bond takes out his upset on Romaonova, demanding the truth from her.

At six thirty-three the train arrives in Beograd. Where another of Kerim’s sons await, getting terrible news. Grant is doing his usual lurking about. Bond gives the son Kerim’s items and jumps back onboard. Next stop: Zagreb, where Bond asked someone to meet him, but Grant takes the mans place. They re-board. Bond sends Grant (maquerading as Captain Nash) and Romanova ahead of him to the restaurant wagon. Then proceeds to sneak into Nash’s suitcase.

During the meal Grant spills Romanova’s drink, refills with a little something extra. Pretty sure Bond sees it, but lets it pass. Romanova feels unwell on the way back. They put her to bed, then Bond puts a gun to Grant, who smooth talks his way out of it, shows Bond a map and stuns him with the handle of his gun (a lot of that going round in this movie). They’re in the same space as the suitcase with the tear gas, and I’m sure Bond is going to get out of this pickle by tricking him to opening it so that the tear gas booms him.

Now for the villain tells too much talk! yay! I love these, they’re so ridiculous (spoiler for Designated survivor, in season three when Maggie Q’s character is just killed with a comment about how in real life that’s not how it goes, I was howling, and crying as she was the only reason I bothered watching still, very okay with it being cancelled). Bond is being a classist prick as usual and says he should have known since Grant ordered red wine with fish (PS. I’ve drank an entire bottle of cheap red as I watched this, hence the deterioration in uh, quote accuracy and “proper” language). Bond is all “you SMERSH people” smh, but then realizes that, no of course, SPECTRE! Ah, acronym soup.

I still can’t believe this guy is in his thirties here. Anywhoo. Grant says “I don’t mind talking, I get a kick out of watching Mr. Bond finding out what a bloody fool he’s been making of himself. We’re pro’s Mr. Bond.” 1. If you were pro’s you would have shot Bond already 2. I’m sure he’ll use that damn suitcase against you! Grant admits that Romanova doesn’t know she’s working for SPECTRE, that she believes she is doing this for SMERSH. Grant also calls Bond “old man” and who is older? I cannot tell.

Here we go, Bond tricking him to opening the suitcase by promising him the 50 sovereigns. Fighting time! Here comes Grant’s watch wire, but Bond isn’t so easily offed when he’s real aaaand he off’s Grant with the very same wire. Beautiful. Bond then takes his cash and calls Grant’s body “old man”. I’m ded.

The train starts hooting, there’s a truck on the tracks. Bond grabs the half conscious Romanova and drags her off the train with him. She falls asleep under a bush. He sneaks around some more, looking to get Grant’s men. He knocks one out, ties him up, throws him in the truck. Then he throws Romanova on a literal (truck) bed of flowers before getting in the truck himself. They’re driving off in the night, then the day. A yellow tailed helicopter, suspiciously like the noe nr. 3 arrived in when she picked up Grant comes at them. Bond runds around and let the helicopter chase him. This is terrible. Alright scenery though.

Bond hides in a convenient rock formation and brings out his rifle again. Guy in helicopter is about to throw down a hand grenade, but Bond and his .25 rifle shots him in the arm so he drops the grenade INSIDE THE HELICOPTER

Once again Bond survives through luck. Now they’ve arrived at a boat (still following Grant’s escape route I guess) and the driver is out of luck, once they’ve reached full speed Bond pushes him overboard. They’re headed for Venice (from Croatia if I’m not mistaken).

Cut to the floating lair of guy with white cat, where nr. 3 and 5 are meeting with him, and she, of course, gets blamed for the failure, despite having followed the plan. She says Bond was the reason, but five won’t hear it. That poor cat isn’t being petted right. She thinks she’ll be killed now, but instead guy with cat (number one) gives five a kick with a poisoned blade that came out of his boot. Three is now very keen on getting Bond so she will live.

Now Bond is in a boat chase, the chasers shoot out all the fuel barrels. So Bond lets them all plop into the ocean, then makes them go boom with a signal gun. I’m not sure that’s how that works, but okay. They loose their chasers.

Now we’ve come full circle, back where we started. Venice. Hotel room. Maid shows up, pretty sure it’s number three here to steal something. A time for Romanova to figure out her loyalties. She picks Bond. I must admit I’m a bit sad, three was a good character to root for, but only if she ran her own evil empire.

“James, behave yourself, we are being filmed.”

“Oh, not again.”

THE END.

except not quote because James Bond will retur in GOLDFINGER. See ya soon Mr. Bond.

#james bond #sean connery #007 #from russia with love

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