#kept rock sasha-adjacent

[technovillain]

THE OLEANDER FAMILY.

[the-traveling-poet]

Hi , I just hope you accept my request " Eren x reader" s4 the table scene , he said how much he hated Mikasa and turned to y/n and hurt her by words , what if he asked to talk her alone to hurt her more and she said she regret her feelings for him , and he got softened

Heartbreak

Amidst the chaos surrounding both Paradis and Marley, Y/N finds herself stuck between a rock and a hard place. While staying close to her childhood friends Mikasa and Armin, Y/N is forced to come face to face with the man she’d grown to love for the first time in months. His departure had hit her the hardest of them all, but still she kept her chin held high. Will she be able to rid herself of her feelings for Yaeger before it’s too late for her? Or will she succumb to her grief…

Pairing: Eren x reader

Warnings: Angst. Pure angst. Literally just pain. Language. Spoilers for S4 if you haven’t read/watched it yet.

Angst, depression, betrayal, S4

Taglist: @21aurora

A/N: Ofc anon! This one seriously hurt to write T-T I’m sorry this took me forever to publish! As always if this isn’t to your expectations I’ll re-write it how you want!

Enjoy~🤎

What had just been a moment of relative relaxation, quickly turned to one of panic.

One minute, you’d watched as Jean and Connie bickered over a bottle of wine in one of the MP’s cabinets, while Commander Hange spoke quietly with the Braus family before aiding Jean in cleaning off a ‘poisoned’ a young Marlian boy, Falco.

But the moment Niccolo lunged for the young Marlian girl, Gabi, shit hit the ceiling. The Braus’s adopted daughter lunged for the girl, screaming and crying out obscenities. You watched on helplessly as Niccolo took a swipe at Gabi, having only just learned of the girl’s murder back in Marley.

Sasha…poor Sasha. The memory of her death still haunted you every night you slept. To see her murderer, a young girl, standing before you uncharged and free of imprisonment…It hurt. But she was a child, you knew. A poor, brainwashed child.

Before you could even attempt to take action and aid the situation, the door behind you creaked open. Looking over your shoulder, you spotted Floch and his ‘followers’; a mix of MPs and what was left of the Scouting Regime soldiers.

By the time Hange and Jean returned to the dining room, you and Onyankopon were already being held at gunpoint.

“What’s wrong?” Hange asked in haste when she heard a muffled yelp from Onyankopon, but froze at the scene before them.

“Commander Hange,” Floch greeted coolly, ignoring your persistent glare. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Floch lowered the gun aimed at your head, and turned to Hange. “I imagine you know where Zeke’s at…We’ll have you take us there.”

You were only a second away from opening your mouth to retort his absurd statement, when Armin’s startled yelp from the adjacent room made your blood run cold.

“Ere-“

Eren…

Without giving it a second though, you raced to the side of the room towards the doors, paying no mind to the soldiers who held guns to your back. You had to go. You had to see him…

“Let her,” Floch’s airy tone caught you off guard, making you pause with your hand on the door handle.

“He’s expecting her presence too, you know.”

The guards lowered their guns from your back, and you took this moment to race through the double doors.

Behind you, you faintly registered a sinister chuckle coming from Floch, but you ignored him in your haste.

You slammed the door behind you quickly, and took a look around the nearly vacant room. And there he stood; just before you at the head of a round table in the very center of the room.

Armin and Mikasa sat with their hands placed palm down on the table cloth, eyes wide and shoulders stiff. Gabi was with them, tense and shaking in utter fear. You visually checked them over for any sign of injury, and when you found none and relaxed. But only slightly. You took your eyes off of your comrades, only for your eyes to suddenly met his.

Eren gave you no sign of emotion as he looked into your eyes from across the room. If anything, he looked bothered. His hair was slightly disheveled, and his clothes worn. But the look of indifference on his face only made his overall appearance look more menacing.

“Y/N, you’re here. Please, take a seat.” He spoke in a low tone while pulling out the chair he stood behind with gestured for you to take it. Taking a shaky breath, you decided to follow his ‘request’ and strode forward to accepted the seat.

“Eren-“ you began, but he cut you off.

“Hands on the table, and don’t remove them.” He shoved your chair into place, and swept his gaze across the four of you.

Despite his glare, you thought he looked…Weary. Sad, perhaps.

After a long pause, he broke the silence suffocating the room.

“As I said; I wanted to talk, with you guys.”

You remained silent and still in your seat, your fists clenching at the table cloth when you noticed the gash formed across his palm.

A warning to you all.

“Conflict isn’t necessary to solve Eldia’s problems.”

Behind you, a grandfather clock ticked against the wall for every silent second that passed his statement, setting you on edge.

“Eren, we’re the ones who wanted to talk.” Armin spoke up, his gaze sharp and focused. “What made you attack Marley all on your own? Did Zeke and Yelena really talk you into joining them?”

The question had been nagging at you for some time as well, but for now you remained silent.

“I am free,” Eren stated solemnly. “The things I do and choices I make are all decided by my own free will.”

“No…No, you are being manipulated!” Mikasa suddenly grit out, leaning over the table and standing up. “You wouldn’t have involved the lives of children and innocents, even if they were enemies!”

Eren kept silent, merely listening to her outburst. But before he could respond to Mikasa’s allegations, you found it within yourself to finally speak up as well.

“Eren, I know you care about us. More than anyone!”

You stood up from the table, removing your hands from the table to place them onto Eren’s broad shoulders.

“Don’t you?! The reason you saved Mikasa…Armin…Me…You love u-“

“I said to keep your hands on the table, now do it,” Eren cut you off with a harsh glare, switching gazes between you and Mikasa. Mikasa slumped back down into her chair in defeat, clutching at her scarf. But you remained standing, tightening your grip on his shoulders.

“Eren please, why won’t you stop this?!” You cried out.

“I said, sit.” Eren spat back through clenched teeth, forcibly removing your hands from his shoulders.

A pang of hurt shot through your heart, making your chest feel heavy. Furrowing your brow, you reluctantly sat and placed your hands back onto the table.

Once you were all sat and silent, Eren continued.

“I spoke with Zeke in Liberio; brother to brother. Zeke knows more about titans than even Marley as a whole.”

He paused, turning his attention to Armin.

“Armin, aren’t you still visiting Annie? Do you think that’s if your own free will?”

Armin froze, his eyes blown wide.

“If memories are what shape people, a part of you is Bertholdt now. Within you is an enemy with feelings for another enemy. Armin, Bertholdt has gotten into your head.”

Armin sat in shocked silence, staring blankly back at Eren. You took this moment to make a decision.

For better or for worse, you had to try…

“Then what does that make me, Eren?”

Eren turned to look at you, raising a brow. He seemed to not have expected you to speak up again so soon, if at all. But curiosity got the better of him, and he gave you room to speak. So you continued.

“You dare accuse Armin for being lost to memories of another, for falling for another that. is the enemy. So what does that make me, huh? Am I now an enemy, too?” You spoke quickly, feeling a need to get it all out.

After all these years…

“What are you talking about, Y/N?” He drawled out. “You have no part in this conversation. You are Eldian and not a shifter. You know what I’m saying doesn’t apply to you.”

“Oh, but doesn’t it? Don’t my feelings for you count for anything? You cant call Armin an enemy without accusing me as well!” You cried out, taking a stand once more.

Eren’s eyes widened; it seemed he wasn’t expecting this. “Y/N…I-“

Mikasa cut him off this time with a hell, not minding his sudden glare on her for interrupting.

“Eren, what could you possibly be sayin-“

“The Ackermans, too.” Eren scoffed, now standing as well beside you. “The Ackermans were intentionally designed to protect Eldia’s king. Back then, when faced with life and death you heeded my order; Fight.”

“No…Protecting you was not a mistake…” Mikasa whispered, fear in her shaky eyes.

“It was because of you I became strong, Eren!”

“No, Mikasa. Your family was made to forget who they are and love only to protect. You are slaves.” Eren scowled, his eyes narrowed dangerously. Their conflict gave you a headache, but you knew better than to speak up just yet.

“Eren, enough!” Armin suddenly called out, taking a stand with the rest of you.

“Do you know what I hate more than anyone?Any of you?” Eren continued on, ignoring his friend. “Those who are not free. They’re just like livestock.”

“Eren!” you yelled, filled with a sudden rage. Rage fueled by grief.

This wasn’t the boy you’d grown up with. Fought beside. Come to love so deeply…

Eren snapped his gaze to you, his glare deepening. “Just seeing you has always pissed me off so much, Y/N. And now I finally understand why; I can’t stand the sight of a slave who obeys orders without question.”

His cold statement made you gasp and stumble back a step. Hurt flooded through you, but you fought off your tears for now.

“You don’t mean that…”

“Ever since we were little…I’ve hated you.”

Everything around you became white noise as you stared on in horrified silence, your mouth agape with all the words you wished to say. And yet nothing came of it.

Faintly you registered Armin leaping across the table towards Eren, fists raised and teeth clenched. Words were exchanged, but you heard none of them. Like Gabi, you remained frozen in your spot.

Mikasa lunged forward to stop Armin, only to freeze in fear as she recognized what Ered had said about the Ackermans might just be true. Armin was pinned to the table by Eren’s strong grip, shouting over his shoulder to the man above him.

The moment Eren threw Armin across the room, you finally snapped and regained your ability to speak.

“Eren!” you screamed.

Immediately Eren held still, his back to you but his head turned to silently acknowledge your voice.

“Stop this! What have you done?” You shouted. Your voice shook as well as your hands with every word you uttered, but you knew you had to keep going. Or else you’d never get another chance.

Deep down, you knew this is how it had to be.

“You belittle Mikasa…manhandle Armin…hate me…And for what? What is it you truly want from us?”

Eren turned to face you, his emotions hidden behind his cold facade. But he let you speak. Let you say the things you both knew, deep down, you had both longed to say for years.

“You can hate me all you want. You can hate all of us, all you want. But don’t you dare for a moment accuse us of anything but loyalty. We love you, Eren. I love you. You know that, I know you do!” You cried out in earnest, tears finally escaping your eyes no matter how hard you fought them.

“I’ve always loved you. I’ve tried, time and time again, to show you this. And for everything I’ve ever done…How could you?”

With that final whisper, you turned your back to him and crossed your arms around your sides. Looking for any form of comfort.

“Y/N…You know I-“ Eren started to speak, his tone much softer now. Though you couldn’t see it, he was fighting tears himself. But he refused to let anyone notice how he wiped them away.

“No. Just, fucking don’t.” You stated softly. “Figure out this mess with the war. Do what you must. But please…Please understand us…”

Just then, a couple MP’s burst through the door, demanding to know what the noise was about.

“I’m fine,” Eren reassured them, his voice hollow. “Go back to Floch. I’ll join up soon.”

Once they hesitantly left, you finally turned in your heel and gave Eren one last pleading look.

“Figure this out, Eren. Figure this out for us.”

With that you turned to leave the room. To leave your companions and to leave your love. But just before you twisted the door handle to rejoin Commander Hange and the others, you looked over your shoulder and made direct eye contact with Eren.

“And just know…Despite everything that happened in the past… Despite what happened here in this room…Just know I still love you. I’m scared that I always will.”

With that you left, not seeing the way Eren’s emotions finally pushed through his facade and showed on his face. The way he reached out his hand to stop you leaving, despite the physical distance between the two of you.

You never would know, just as he would never forget the way what was left of his heart shattered in his chest that day.

[artificialqueens]

Duality, Chapter 4 (Crygi) - Metaluna

Chapter summary: Crystal has an incredible day at work, while Gigi has a terrible one. Crystal can tell something is wrong with her girlfriend, but she’s not sure what. When Gigi makes a mistake, it tests their relationship to its core.

A/N: thank you as always to the incredible queen who is @junosjukebox for beta reading. A TW for graphic depictions of violence/death 

Crystal impatiently tapped her foot while waiting for the train. Of course the day she had to meet with the artist of an exhibit that she might book, she was running late. It was her first time coordinating an exhibit as the creative director of the museum. Here she was, about to leave a terrible impression on the prospective artist, as well as the rest of the creative team, who also vied for her position. 

Checking the time, she saw that the train was running five minutes behind. Five minutes. She could make it, but she’d have to run. Cardio was on Crystal’s list of least favorite things, narrowly avoiding bad vampire movies. Her excuse was the one time she went on a run with Gigi, Gigi said that Crystal’s resting heart rate was two beats higher than average. Plus, she’d just gotten over from being sick. 

Running through the streets of Chicago wasn’t necessarily an uncommon thing to see, but with Harry Styles blaring through her Airpods, she couldn’t help but feel like all eyes were on her. As she went up the stairs to the museum, she wasn’t paying attention and nearly collided with a woman, who narrowly avoided spilling her coffee. 

“Oh, shit, I’m so sorry!” Crystal squeaked.

The woman, who looked sleek and sophisticated who was wearing a suit that looked like it was made for her said, “Don’t even worry about it. Are you running late?”

Crystal nodded. “I really have to go! Thank you!”

“What are you thanking me for?” The woman shouted.

By the time Crystal made it up to her office, her assistant Rock was already waiting for her with an iced coffee.

“Thank you!” Crystal said graciously.

Having an assistant was something she still wasn’t used to. Instead of relying on a planner that was falling apart at the seams, she had someone who kept track of all her meetings for her, who always had an iced coffee at the ready. 

“You made it,” Rock said. “The meeting’s going to be down the hall. Conference room B. The artist is already waiting for us, but you’re on time so don’t worry.”

“God, Sasha would have never done this,” Crystal said as she took a sip.

“I know you think you have these huge shoes to fill, but you don’t.”

Crystal took a deep breath and smoothed out her blouse before opening the door. “Hello, everyone.”

Making eye contact with the everyone in the room, a wave of panic washed over her. One of the people who was sitting at the conference table, who she could only presume was the artist, was the same person she almost took out on the stairs. 

“So we meet again,” the woman said. 

“I’m so sorry about earlier! I was running late and I didn’t see you.”

“Don’t even worry about it. Jaida Hall.” Jaida held out her hand. The power in Jaida’s handshake surprised Crystal. 

“Crystal Methyd,” Crystal said as she sat. 

Jaida blinked and then raised an eyebrow.

“I know,” Crystal murmured. “My parents hate me.”

“So, tell us about the exhibit,” one of the curators, Heidi prompted.

Jaida stood up from her chair, her body language elegant and confident. “When I was doing my final project in art school I became very interested in horror, specifically werewolves. I independently studied lycanthropy so intensively my senior year, I might as well have a degree in it. It’s been three years since I began my studies, and I thought that it would be interesting to do an exhibit based on the history of werewolves and the interpretations of them through time in different cultures, as well as their representation in pop culture.” 

None of the directors said anything, Crystal nodded to prompt Jaida to continue. 

Jaida used the television in the conference room to show her art. “As you can see, it’s a very diverse exhibit, all different art styles, linked with a common thread. I feel as though this exhibit can really add a flair to your museum, not that it needs it by any means. It’s unlike any of the exhibits you’ve had before. With Halloween just around the corner, I think it’ll bring a lot of traffic.”

Apparently Crystal couldn’t escape from the supernatural. At least it was just an art exhibit. It’s not like werewolves were real.

“Can’t argue with that,” Heidi murmured. 

Crystal had a notepad and pen in front of her, but she didn’t feel the need to take notes. She loved the premise of the exhibit. Jaida was right, it’d add flair to the museum. Jaida’s words were too kind, the museum desperately needed something to make it stand out from the other museums in Chicago. 

“This exhibit is so unique. I’ve never seen anything quite like it, and your work is incredible,” Crystal said earnestly.

Jaida smiled. “Thank you very much.”

“I am interested in bringing your exhibit to the museum. Would you be interested in a nine month contract?” 

The norm for the museum’s exhibits was usually six months at the most, but  Crystal could see there was something about this exhibit that was special. 

Jaida’s jaw dropped. “That sounds great.”

“Lovely. Heidi will discuss the details with you. Have a great day.”

Crystal walked away with a huge smile on her face.

Gigi made it clear to Crystal that she wanted to know as soon as possible how the meeting went, so much so that Gigi told Crystal to meet her at the funeral home. While she was on the train, she realized that in the year they’d been dating, Crystal had never been to the funeral home. 

When she arrived, Crystal hesitated before opening the door. The sign alone, which read Evermore Funeral Services was enough to make her feel uneasy. Crystal had never set foot in a funeral home, because she never knew anyone who’d died.

Once inside, she didn’t see Gigi. She didn’t see anyone. The funeral home was eerily quiet. Crystal didn’t have much experience with death, so she was on edge thinking about the bodies that were probably in the other rooms. 

“Hello?” Crystal called tentatively. “Gigi?”

A woman, who Crystal assumed was Jackie, came forward which made Crystal jump. “You must be Crystal.”

“And you must be Jackie. Nice to finally meet you.”

“You, too.”

“So uh, where’s my girlfriend?” Crystal asked looking around the room.

Jackie pointed in the direction of what Crystal could only guess was the dead body room. “Someone was mauled by a wild animal. She’s probably going to be in there for a while.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah, it’s bad. One of the worst animal attacks I’ve seen. He wasn’t recognizable. Police had to use dental records,” Jackie said. “Even Gigi looked shocked, and that woman is unshakeable.” 

Crystal’s face looked horrified. “I…” 

“Sorry. Well, you’re welcome to go sit on the couch over there.”

The couch was comfortable, much more comfortable than it looked. Jackie sat on the chair adjacent to the couch. 

“So Crystal,” Jackie began. “I don’t know that much about you. Gigi doesn’t talk too much about you.”

Gigi didn’t talk about her? That stung, especially considering everyone at the museum knew all about Gigi. 

“She doesn’t?”

Jackie saw that Crystal took offense to the comment. “Gigi’s a private person. We don’t talk much about personal lives. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m the creative director at the Chicago Museum of Visual Arts.” 

Crystal had to admit, every time she said “creative director” she felt an overwhelming sense of pride, mainly because she worked her ass to get there.

“That’s incredible! I’ve taken my wife there before.”

“Awe, you have a wife?” Crystal asked.

“Yes! Her name is Jan and I love her a lot.” Jackie took her phone from her pocket and showed Crystal her lock screen, a picture of Jackie and a radiant blonde woman at the beach.

“She’s beautiful.”

Crystal couldn’t help but feel jealous. Why couldn’t Gigi get that excited about her when she talked to people?

“I keep trying to get Gigi to come over for dinner. You’d be welcome too, of course. Jan’s an amazing cook.”

“That’d be nice.” 

Dinner with someone she barely knew didn’t sound fun. But, she wanted nothing more in that moment to piss off Gigi. 

“How does Friday sound?” Jackie asked brightly.

“Friday would be great.“

Crystal could hear Gigi’s voice from down the hall. “That was one of the worst bodies I’ve seen in quite some time. I know you said the family wanted an open casket… That’s out of the question. I’m good, but I’m not that good. No one is. I give up.”

As Gigi rounded the corner, she took her hair down from the messy bun it was in. “Oh. Hi, darling.”

“Hi, baby.” Crystal’s tone was short, which Gigi immediately caught onto.

“Are you okay?” Crystal nodded. “Let’s go into my office.”

Crystal sat in the chair normally reserved for grieving families with her arms folded across her chest as Gigi stood in front of her.

“So… How did it go?”

“What?”

Gigi raised an eyebrow. “Meeting with the artist?”

“Oh. Good.” Crystal knew passive aggression wasn’t a good look on anyone, but she couldn’t help it.

“Just ‘good’?”

“We booked the artist. Her whole exhibit is on werewolves. I can’t escape the supernatural. At least werewolves aren’t real, I guess.”

Gigi looked uneasy. “Yes, of course they aren’t real.”

Crystal looked at her girlfriend and saw just how bad she looked. Crystal kept track of the days that Gigi fed, and she knew it had been an entire week. Gigi didn’t leave her side when she was sick, and it showed. 

Even with heavy makeup on, her dark under-eye circles were noticeable. There were light traces of the veins visible through her pale skin. Crystal was used to Gigi’s appearance, but Gigi was shaking. It wasn’t in a weak-needing-to-feed way. It was in a something-was-very-wrong way. Crystal decided that Gigi not talking about her to Jackie suddenly didn’t matter. 

“Baby?” Crystal got up and hugged Gigi. “What’s wrong? Something’s wrong. Talk to me.”

Gigi sighed as she spun the pendant on her necklace. “That body was in the worst state I’ve seen in a very long time.”

Crystal knew she was going to regret the amount of details she was going to get, but she knew Gigi needed to talk about it. Gigi needing to talk about things was rare, and Crystal knew she had to take advantage of the moment. She also knew that a body in bad shape wasn’t enough to make her so freaked out.

“What was wrong with… them? The body, I mean.” Crystal asked.

Gigi sighed. “It was one of the most mangled bodies that I’ve seen, not only recently, but ever. The autopsy report said that the intestines were on the outside of the body.”

Crystal winced. 

“I’m sorry. I can stop if you want..”

“No, keep going. Spare no gory details for me.”

“The claw marks weren’t anything I’ve ever seen. They were massive. Part of the torso was so shredded, there was barely any skin left, and what was left was hanging on the sides of the body. The face was so shredded, the skull was visible.”

By this point, Crystal couldn’t take anymore, so she changed the subject. “Do you have any idea what could have done it?”

“No.” Gigi answered quickly enough that Crystal raised an eyebrow. 

“Maybe werewolves are real,” Crystal joked.

“Absolutely not.”

“Babe, as much as I want to spend time with you, I told Heidi and Rock I’d get drinks with them to celebrate.”

“It’s okay. We have the rest of the evening.”

“You still look really shook. Like, it’s not just that you need to eat. Something is wrong.”

“I’m okay,” Gigi said squeezing Crystal’s hand. “I promise.”

Crystal still wasn’t convinced. She moved her hair away and tilted her neck. “Do you need some just to tide you over?”

Gigi shook her head. “You know how I feel about that. You are not my personal blood bank.”

Whenever Gigi drank from Crystal, it was never for sustenance. It was only during sex, because Gigi didn’t want to treat her girlfriend as her blood whore. The blood whores Nicky kept around always made her uncomfortable. 

“Don’t be stubborn, babe,” Crystal said, locking the office door.

“Fine.”

Gigi kissed Crystal’s neck before drawing her fangs. It took a huge amount of self control to not take too much blood. She took the amount she would take when she and Crystal had sex, which was the equivalent of eating a slice of cake, nice at the moment, but not much satisfaction. 

Crystal shivered involuntarily once Gigi finished.

“I have to go now, because if I don’t, I’m going to throw all those files off of your desk and fuck you.” 

“Please don’t do that. Those are important. Besides, that’s for later. You should go out for drinks now, because I’m about to do the same,” Gigi said, rubbing her blood on Crystal’s neck. 

“Babe, I honest to God can’t stand you.”

“I love you, too.”

As much as Crystal didn’t want to think about it, Gigi had to feed in order to survive. Crystal tried to shove the idea of her girlfriend as a killer from her mind. Gigi assured her that she would never see her in that way, by promising Crystal she’d never kill someone in the apartment, since that was their safe space together. 

“You know the rule.”

“Of course. No killing in the apartment. I love you, darling.”

“Love you, too.”

Gigi kissed Crystal. “I am so incredibly proud of you.”

“Go feed. You look dead.”

“I am dead.”

Once Crystal had changed to spend time with her friends Gigi sighed. There was no way she felt strong enough to make it out to the bar. The blood she’d taken from Crystal was not enough to satisfy her. 

In situations where she was in a pinch, she used Tinder to find someone to feed on. Gigi hated the entire concept of Tinder, but it definitely came of use when she had to find her target. She scrolled through, swiping right to everyone, until a man  messaged her. After pleasantries back and forth, including a picture of his penis, he agreed to come over. 

Normally, Gigi would bring people to the funeral home. She looked in the mirror at herself. She looked like hell. Gigi was wearing more makeup than normal, and she could still see how ragged her appearance was. She had no other option. She had no choice but to feed in the apartment. It was either to break her and Crystal’s rule, or to kill someone in the streets. 

Besides, Crystal wasn’t going to be back until late, anyway. 

Gigi sat on the couch neurotically petting Akasha until she heard the knock on the door. With a sigh of relief, she answered the door to a man whose name she couldn’t remember.

“Lauren?” Gigi always made sure to use a fake name.

“Yes, hi.” 

She took the man by the hand and sat with him on the couch. Ever since she started dating Crystal, kissing other people felt wrong. But, Crystal said she didn’t care, so Gigi continued her routine. She kissed the man’s neck before drawing her fangs.

Gigi made sure she was precise and clean, so as not to leave any evidence behind. After she dragged the man into the bathtub, she was sure to cover her tracks and make sure that no blood was spilled. Other than a few small drops that were easily cleaned, she was in the clear. 

Next, she had to dispose of the body. There were a few things that Gigi kept in the closet that Crystal wasn’t aware of. Most of them were gifts, but there were much darker things, too. Underneath her textbooks on body reconstruction, there were things that she hoped to the gods she didn’t believe in that Crystal would never find. One such thing was a bonesaw that she kept for occasions just like this. Putting the body parts into a trashbag and driving to the funeral home would be the easiest way to get rid of the body. 

Making her way back to the bathroom, she partially filled the bathtub so the blood would run down the drain easier. With that, she went to work, starting with the limbs. 

Gigi was so focused on dismembering the body, she had no idea Crystal had returned and was watching her every move. 

At first, Crystal was in shock. She couldn’t believe what she saw. Watching Gigi completely butcher a body made Crystal want to scream and run away, but instead she froze and watched in terror, wondering how the woman she loved so dearly could do something so morbid. The scariest thing to Crystal was the complete lack of remorse on Gigi’s face.

Crystal could barely listen to Gigi talk about work, even the things that weren’t particularly gory. Death was something that disturbed Crystal greatly. Despite this, Crystal was watching Gigi’s every move. It was like when she saw a motorcycle accident when she was a teenager. Something about it made her unable to look away, as desperately as she wished she could. 

Crystal watched silently, until Gigi began cutting the head. Halfway through, Gigi tore the head with ease, like when her brother used to rip the heads off of her Barbies. She put her hand over her mouth and gasped sharply. The gasp was loud enough that Gigi heard. 

Gigi looked up at her lover. Without missing a beat, she turned off the saw and shut the shower curtain. 

“Crystal…” Gigi began. As she took a step forward toward Crystal, Crystal immediately took a step back. 

“No.”

“Crystal I am so sorry.”

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

“Crystal…”

She took another step back. “Don’t.” 

Crystal ran into their bedroom and locked the do or. Gigi wanted to immediately run after her, but knew that was exactly what she shouldn’t do. Instead, she stood outside of the door.

She gently knocked on the door. “Crystal… Please…”

“I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to look at you.”

“I am so beyond sorry,” Gigi said as she could feel tears of blood stream down her face. “I never meant for you to see me like that.”

Crystal scoffed. “You really think that is why I’m so upset?”

“Yes…” Gigi trailed off. “It’s not?”

“Fucking 

unbelievable

. No, Gigi. I know you kill people. Seeing you cut up that guy was fucking gross, but at the end of the day, you’re a fucking vampire. That’s not why I���m mad. I’m mad at the complete lack of respect. I let the fact that you kill people slide. But, you can’t follow one goddamn rule?”

“Can I come in?”

 Crystal sighed as she unlocked the door. “Come in.”

“Thank you.” 

Crystal sat in the chair in the corner of the room. It was clear to see how tense she was. Rather than sitting relaxed in the chair as she normally would, Crystal had her legs crossed on the chair with her arms wrapped around them. Gigi could tell that Crystal didn’t want her too close.

Wiping away tears, Crystal said, “Like I was saying, you not killing people  in this space that we share, the space we made together is something that is so important. It feels like you don’t care about my feelings, just your own.”

“How could you even say that?” Gigi could feel tears of blood stream down her face. 

“Sometimes I forget you aren’t human. It was only a matter of time before some shit like this happened.” Crystal’s voice cracked. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Do what?”

“You know what.”

Gigi looked at Crystal. “You can’t be serious.”

The tone of Crystal’s words cut Gigi like a knife.. “Actually, I am.”

“I…”

“I’m going to go. Get rid of him. Clean the bathroom. I need to clear my head. I’ll be back.”

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t know.”

Crystal slammed the apartment door so loudly, Akasha ran into the bedroom. 

Crystal didn’t know where she was going. She just knew she had to leave. She put her Airpods in as she walked down the streets of Chicago at dusk.

A feeling of unease crept over her as she entered a neighborhood that was not her own. Even though Crystal and Gigi’s apartment was in a safe part of the city, as safe as one can get in a large city, being out at night was generally something Crystal avoided.

Tonight she didn’t care. 

The wind was brisk on her tear-stained face as Crystal continued to walk. She didn’t have a destination in mind. To be honest, she wasn’t completely sure where she was. Crystal tried her best to recognize her surroundings, but night had fallen and she completely lost where she was.

Crystal began to panic. Looking at her phone, she saw that she had three missed calls and eight missed texts from Gigi. As much as Crystal wanted to text her for help, she put her phone back in her pocket.

Something made Crystal feel uneasy, not just because she was lost. It was like she was being watched. When she heard a noise, more than likely just a rat or stray cat, she felt like she jumped out of her skin.

Crystal wanted to scream when she realized the noise came from a figure that was definitely a person, who was quickly approaching. 

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Once under the streetlights, Crystal saw that it was a familiar face.

“Crystal?” Jaida began. “Are you okay?”

Crystal’s voice cracked. “Yes.”

“No, you’re not,” Jaida said as she guided them to a bench.

Rubbing Crystal’s back comfortingly, Jaida said, “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“We barely know each other.”

“It doesn’t matter. Something’s wrong, and I’m not letting you leave until you calm down.”

“First off I have no idea where the fuck I am. But that’s not why I’m crying.”

Jaida wiped Crystal’s tears. “What’s wrong?”

“My girlfriend and I got into our first fight. It wasn’t just a small disagreement. It was a full on huge ass fight that left me saying I didn’t know if I could do the relationship, and slamming the door.”

“Shit,” Jaida muttered. “What were y’all arguing about?”

Crystal had to choose her words carefully. “Basically… We have certain… I guess rules about our apartment. It’s weird to explain.”

“No, I understand. I think.“

“It’s just… she broke our one rule, and doesn’t understand that her ki… I mean,  doing the… thing that the rule is about isn’t what’s making me mad. It’s that she clearly doesn’t respect me if she’s willing to break it that easily.”

Jaida raised an eyebrow. “I’m not quite sure what you’re saying, but I think you should talk it out with her.”

“You’re right. If I avoid this it’ll be worse.”

im ready to talk but im lost. im sharing my location with you

I’ll be there soon.

not too soon, im with someone. a friend found me 

Got it. 

“She’s on her way. You can go, if you want.”

Jaida shook her head. “Are you kidding? I’m not leaving you here. My apartment is just over there. We’re going to wait up there for your girl.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

Jaida raised an eyebrow. “Because I’m a nice person?”

“Sorry… I didn’t mean…”

“It’s okay. Let’s go.”

Crystal quickly texted Gigi Jaida’s address. 

Jaida’s apartment was exactly what Crystal expected. There was art everywhere of all different styles. Even though none of the furniture matched, a stark contrast from her own apartment, it all fit together perfectly. Crystal inhaled the earthy scent of incense as she saw a painting of moon phases on an easel in the corner. 

“My roommates aren’t home right now,” Jaida said as she led Crystal to a wildly patterned couch. 

“You have roommates?”

There was something about Jaida’s energy that made Crystal think that she would live alone. 

“I’m a starving artist who just booked her first exhibit. If I didn’t have roommates, I’d be back at my parent’s house in Milwaukee, the land of Dahmer. Of course I have roommates. But it’s all not bad, my roommates, Vanessa, Scarlet, and Yvie are great.”

“That’s good. Before I moved in with Gigi, mine were… Not.”

Jaida shook her head. “Are you really in your mid twenties if you haven’t had a horrific roommate experience?”

“Or a horrific edible experience,” Crystal joked. 

“That, too.”

Jaida sighed. “I know we aren’t at work, but I just want to thank you. For everything.”

“Of course your work is incredible.” Crystal gestured to the art in the apartment. “All of it.”

“Thank you,” Jaida said with a small smile. “I try.”

Crystal and Jaida sat in a comfortable silence as a knock on the door startled Crystal.

“That’s probably your girl,” Jaida said, getting up to answer the door as Crystal followed.

Before Jaida opened the door, Crystal had no idea what to expect. Crystal didn’t know that a vampire cried blood until that day. She also didn’t know that after crying, a vampire’s eyes were red and puffy just like a human’s. Normally, Gigi dressed extremely cohesive, but she was wearing one of Crystal’s flannels and a pair of leggings. 

“Hi. I’m Gigi.

“Jaida.”

Crystal had no idea why, but Gigi and Jaida locked eyes. It was like they were taking each other in as they looked each other up and down. 

“Do you want to go talk now, Gigi?”

Gigi nodded. “Let’s go.”

While Crystal had a horrible sense of direction, Gigi’s was impeccable. This showed especially as they walked the streets of Chicago. Normally, Crystal wouldn’t feel safe, but after seeing what her girlfriend was capable of, she felt more than safe.

“So…” Crystal began.

“I don’t think that I could ever express how sorry I am. I also don’t think I can express how much it hurts me to know that I hurt you. I didn’t mean to disrespect you in any way, and the fact that I did will haunt me for decades.”

Crystal sighed, formulating a response before she spoke. “You’re right. You disrespected me.”

Gigi began to say something.

“I’m not finished yet. I know that you probably don’t want to talk about it, but I can tell something’s wrong. It’s not just that you needed to feed. Babe, I understand that you might not want to talk about whatever is going on, but just know, I know that something is wrong. I also know that you haven’t fed in a week.”

“It’s no excuse for me to do what I did. I broke our rule.”

“You absolutely did.”

“You saw me for what I really am. A soulless killer.”

“That was… shocking,” Crystal began. “I know you haven’t fed in a week.”

“That is absolutely no excuse.”

“It probably isn’t. But, why didn’t you feed for an entire week?”

“Because I was taking care of you.”

Crystal held Gigi’s hand. “Would a soulless killer take care of me?”

“I suppose not.”

“Baby, I know what I was signing up for when we started dating. It’s fucking disturbing to think about, and part of me realizes how crazy this all is. I know you kill people, but I can see your soul. You claim you don’t have one, but you absolutely do. Yours is beautiful. Also, I will say that I know you don’t tell me certain things, and as your girlfriend, it hurts knowing you don’t fully trust me with certain things. I’m not sure if you think you’re protecting me, or what it is. But, I don’t need protecting.”

Gigi sighed, shutting her eyes as she squeezed Crystal’s hand. “I will spend every day proving how much I love, value, and respect you. I love you. I’ll also try harder to tell you more.“

Gigi went in for a kiss, but Crystal pulled away. “I love you, but I need time to… I don’t know. Decompress? Destress? I’m not breaking up with you, but that was… rough.”

“I understand.”

“Thank you for respecting my boundaries. I love you.” 

“I love you, too. Is there anything I can do immediately to prove it?”

“Well…” Crystal hesitated. “I may have told Jackie that we’d go have dinner at her place with her wife on Friday while you were in the dead body room.”

“You did what?”

[tabloidtoc]

Star, October 26

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Reba McEntire dating CSI: Miami star Rex Linn and finding love again at 65 

Page 1: Duchess Kate Middleton stopped by England’s University of Derby to discuss students’ mental health and how the pandemic has affected their education but during her visit those watching couldn’t help but notice Kate looked more youthful than ever because of a new shorter highlighted hairstyle 

Page 2: Contents -- Demi Lovato and pal Matthew Scott Montgomery were ready to be spooked at Nights of the Jack 

Page 3: Vanessa Paradis and her daughter Lily-Rose Depp at the Chanel show during Paris Fashion Week, Tom Cruise looked a little leery filming a difficult scene on the set of Mission: Impossible 7 in Rome, Cara Santana repped boyfriend Shannon Leto’s band 30 Seconds to Mars in a sweatshirt from the group’s apparel line 

Page 5: Chrissy Metz is so smitten with her new boyfriend Bradley Collins that she’s already talking marriage and babies with her Nashville-based beau and that has alarms ringing for some of her friends about why they kept their romance totally hidden until now and since Chrissy is all-or-nothing this is way too intense for some, fans of Law & Order: SVU rejoiced when it was announced that a spinoff was in the works that would star Christopher Meloni as Elliot Stabler and the new series called Organized Crime would feature Stabler leading a task force fighting NYC’s crime syndicates but the show has been rocked by behind-the-scenes drama as first showrunner Craig Gore was axed in June and now his replacement Matt Olmstead is also out leaving the future of the show in jeopardy, after a contentious season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Denise Richards and Teddi Mellencamp are out and mainstays Lisa Rinna and Kyle Richards have proven they’re the alphas of the long-running Bravo show and now as producers are scrambling to fill out the cast one obvious contender is out of the running as Kathy Hilton has respectfully declined because her daughters Nicky Hilton Rothschild and Paris Hilton didn’t want her to do it because they felt it was a bad look for them and the family 

Page 6: Sofia Richie and Scott Disick have split but she seems to still be taking her beauty cues from her time with the Kardashian-adjacent dad of three because she has noticeably fuller lips where she had lip injections to both lips, Mariah Carey had nothing but nice things to say about Derek Jeter in her new memoir calling their relationship sensual and credits him with helping her see the value of her biracial background but Derek isn’t happy about it and he’s fed up and feels Mariah is taking advantage of him to publicize her book and it doesn’t help that Derek’s friends have been teasing him about the sexy details because he hates being made fun of; his ego can’t handle his friends ribbing him, Star Spots the Stars -- Christina Aguilera, Kaitlyn Bristowe, Travis Scott, Teddi Mellencamp, Rev Run and his wife Justine Simmons, Lindsay Arnold 

Page 8: Star Shots -- Anne Heche headed for rehearsal on Dancing with the Stars, Christina Milian and her daughter Violet, Gavin Rossdale at the beach in Malibu with his dog and a mystery woman 

Page 9: Liev Schreiber plays basketball with his son Sasha in NYC 

Page 10: Bachelor alum Catherine Lowe and her son Samuel, Reese Witherspoon jumping rope, Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles’ Tracy Tutor playing Monopoly at home 

Page 12: Johnny Weir leaving Dancing with the Stars rehearsals, Brie Larson and boyfriend Elijah Allan-Blitz on a grocery run, Alessandra Ambrosio on her way to dinner in West Hollywood 

Page 13: Selena Gomez shows her kidney transplant scar, Julia Garner filming scenes for Inventing Anna in New York City 

Page 14: Chrishell Stause heading into rehearsals for Dancing with the Stars, Johnny Depp waved to fans outside the ZFF Masters during the 16th Zurich Film Festival where he promoted Crock of Gold: A Few Rounds with Shane MacGown, Patrick Schwarzenegger stepped out with a script in West Hollywood 

Page 15: Silver fox Jon Bon Jovi struck a pose while promoting his new album 2020 in NYC, Shia LaBeouf went for a jog in Pasadena on the same day he was charged with misdemeanor battery and petty theft following an incident that happened in June, Maisie Williams at the Chloe fashion show in Paris 

Page 16: Gwen Stefani stepped out of the studio in Woodland Hills, Chiwetel Ejiofor referred to his phone while reciting poetry on the set of the upcoming pandemic-themed dramedy Lockdown in London, Sting and his wife Trudie Styler celebrated his 69th birthday at a meal with friends in Rome 

Page 17: Sofia Vergara out in L.A., Denise Richards and husband Aaron Phypers looked carefree leaving a restaurant in L.A., Danny Trejo hung out with an adorable pooch during an appearance on Home & Family 

Page 18: Normal or Not? Machine Gun Kelly shared a glimpse of his beauty routine en route to his new cafe in Cleveland -- not normal, Eva Longoria wore a Vote t-shirt and a Biden mask during a political rally in Miami’s Little Havana neighborhood -- normal

Page 19: Snoop Dogg inhaled and exhaled during his DJ Snoopadelic set at the Concerts in Your Car event at the Ventura County Fairgrounds -- normal, while grabbing a meal in Los Angeles with a bevy of beauties Billie Dee Williams enjoyed a quick grooming session too -- not normal

Page 20: Fashion -- stars get glitzy in gold -- Olivia Wilde, Leona Lewis 

Page 21: Karen Gillan, Kate Beckinsale 

Page 24: Emilio Vitolo Jr. appears to be every inch the doting boyfriend to Katie Holmes but he’s playing the field behind her back -- Emilio’s a ladies’ guy and he’s been texting a bunch of girls saying things between him and Katie aren’t nearly as serious as they seem while Katie thinks she’s in love and it’s no exaggeration to say she’s obsessed with this guy and she’s adamant they’ll elope and in her mind they’re two kindred souls destined to be together 

Page 25: Beyonce and Jay-Z are hoping to add on to their already impressive real estate portfolio as they are quietly checking out homes in Montecito in California for their family of five -- although they already own a $26 million home in New York’s tony Hamptons as well as an $88 million Bel-Air mansion the couple are hoping to put down roots in the American Riviera so their children can attend the area’s prestigious schools and Beyonce especially likes that it’s not far from L.A. and it’s clean and super private, after two years of dating Jake Gyllenhaal and Jeanne Cadieu are at odds about their future and Jake’s frustrated because the relationship is going nowhere and he’s eager to start a family but the 24-year-old model isn’t ready to put her career on hold and take that next step leaving Jake in limbo -- his most successful relationships were with women his own age with the same maturity and ambition like Reese Witherspoon and Kirsten Dunst -- while Jake remains conflicted about whether to stick it out with Jeanne or start over with someone new his friends say it’s time to move on and find someone who’s baby mama material, Jon Hamm has been considering settling down since he began dating Anna Osceolo because something about Anna is making him rethink everything from the guy who never pictured himself walking down the aisle or having children but now he and Anna are talking about marriage and a family 

Page 26: Cover Story -- Reba McEntire finding love at last -- after a string of broken hearts the country superstar has finally snagged Mr. Right actor Rex Linn  

Page 30: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s courtroom showdown -- four years after their split Brad and Angie are still duking it out over custody and now they’re prepared to bring star power to the battle -- Brad will be using every scrap of ammunition he can to fight for his kids including testimony from fellow stars and Angelina is prepared to do the same 

Page 32: Five-time rehab vet Scott Disick is caught partying in front of his kids 

Page 34: Stars’ Cheating Confessions -- sometimes all you can do is beg for forgiveness; these celebs have all had to plead their case -- Jude Law and Sienna Miller, Kevin Hart and Eniko Parrish 

Page 35: Donny and Debbie Osmond, Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith, David Letterman and Regina Lasko, Dean McDermott and Tori Spelling 

Page 38: Beauty -- add a sophisticated scent blend to your fragrance wardrobe for fall -- Kim Kardashian 

Page 40: Entertainment 

Page 48: Parting Shot -- Chris Hemsworth and wife Elsa Pataky partnered with the Global Wildlife Conservation and Wild Ark to boost the ecosystem of their beloved Australia -- the pair helped Aussie Ark release 11 Tasmanian devils into a wildlife sanctuary at Barrington Tops National Park -- the hush-hush event marked the first time the endangered marsupials whose presence can help repel pests and bush fired were returned to the mainland in 3000 years

[mrsslrss]

2019.

Welcome to my annual accounting of things I loved, 2019 edition. 

I’m realizing the pattern here is to start this with a reflection of how I rang in the year but 2019 crept in pretty calmly: no big bugs to kill, no spontaneous sobs to a Sharon Van Etten song. On the first day of this year, I woke up and cleaned the house and, I don’t know, probably went to Big Bear and got a coffee and took a nap. Since it’s nearly the end of the decade, I could start there, but I couldn’t tell you where I was for New Year’s Eve, 2009; if I had to guess, I’d put myself at a friend’s house on the North Shore, drinking PBR with the guys and listening to pop-punk. That winter I was convinced I wouldn’t return to Poughkeepsie, I was so miserable, but when I did things started to fall into place.

I think my goal for this year was roughly something like, Just put your head down and do the work. When you are tempted to get fed up and wither from frustration or have a big ego about not getting what you want, just put your head down and do the work. I don’t know if I did that, exactly, if I really stuck to the goal, but every so often in a particularly challenging moment the goal would come into focus at the front of my mind and I’d sigh and acquiesce and nod at the work ahead of me. I got a lot done, I think; in this way I got a lot done. It was nice to be reminded about how the process can be the goal -- something I thought about a lot this year. Sometimes the goal looks like a result, but it’s really the habit I’m after.

I’d like to keep that up next year. 2019 was a year of cultivating; 2020, maybe, will be a year of action. Or maybe not! Maybe nothing flowers until 2021 or beyond. Or maybe I start tearing things up by the roots in 2020, who knows! 

So anyway. Here’s to 2019, and here’s a list (more or less alphabetized -- why not!) of ten things that helped me make it through.

annie’s homegrown birthday cake bunny grahams

My official snack of the year. Over the summer I was visiting MZ in Brooklyn and we got snacks at their neighborhood grocery store and I bought these, which are meant to celebrate the 30th anniversary of this snack company, taste like funfetti cake, and are definitely meant for/marketed to children. But anyway I ate the whole box and then sought them out at every Whole Foods in my vicinity (because I went online and WH is apparently basically the only place you can find them?) and started preaching the good word to anyone who was looking for a snack. By, like, September I had eaten so many of these that I could no longer stomach them, so I’ve been on a brief hiatus, but still: snack of the year.

keeping lists

I started this year with a big digital spreadsheet called “2019 things” where I intended to keep lists: all the new albums and songs that struck me, all the old albums and songs I got obsessed with, the places I wanted to travel in the year. I kept adding tabs: the books I finished, my financial priorities, stuff I wanted to make sure to read or watch. I was pretty diligent about updating them -- I wrote down every book I read, but definitely forgot to add a couple albums; I never made it to Philly this year. I started keeping gratitude lists (analog) towards the end of year, too, because in college a friend told me it helps rewire the brain away from pessimism, or something. 

meditation

Before this year, I’ve never had a serious relationship with meditation, but it always seemed like the kind of thing I would like. In mid-January I got struck by the urge to try it, so I did, and kept it up for a few days, and then I fell off, and then I got back on, and now, somehow, it’s been three-hundred-something days of it in a row. I have learned to find a quiet moment in a nice corner of my room before work, but also in a tent in the Catskills, in a guest room in Wales, in a hotel in Georgia, on a walk through Brooklyn, in my childhood bedroom. My life and brain don’t feel, like, enormously different or changed, but that’s good; it feels useful to keep showing up to something without expectation.

my siblings

Having a big family means every year is inevitably a big year for someone, but this was, somehow, a big year for all of my siblings. Mostly good things: health and healing, a wedding and a graduation, a license acquired and a course of study started and jobs well done. It doesn’t feel good to get into the hard stuff here, but there was a lot of that, too -- a lot of grueling bullshit overcome. After the wedding I almost texted everyone just to say how proud I was of all of them, but naturally I chickened out. But I really am proud!

navy blue

Longtime readers of, uh, *gestures wildly* whatever this is may recall that last year I claimed I only wore black but might be interested in navy blue? This year I determined that navy blue is so good: the color of the deep ocean, the night sky, my first Catholic school uniform. I bought navy jumpsuits, a sweatshirt, a scrunchie. I wore navy-adjacent eyeliner just in the corners of my eyes most days of July and August and September. I’m wearing a navy blue sweater right now. A good year for navy. 

“not” by big thief

My song of the year, which I knew from the first time I heard it. So much of this year (the news, the planet, global catastrophes, mass violence, etc. not to mention personal failures) felt hopeless and dreadful, but also so constant and exhausting that I wasn’t sure I could keep summoning anger, never mind do it in a useful way. I love this song because it is about abjection in the same way it isn’t about anything, about absence as presence, about not-knowing as knowing. It is desperate without being hopeless, explosive without being violent, or maybe: violent without being harmful. It’s about transcending language and different kinds of language and using whichever tools you have (Words are good enough). It’s about being swallowed whole by the everything-ness, a theme that came up in so much of the work I loved this year, the subject of an essay I’ll never write (lol). Music Twitter™ got into an argument about whether this band is good; I feel so sure of my love for this song (and most of what this band does) that I, for once, didn’t immediately assume I was a fool, or being had, just because someone disagrees with me. Instead it felt delicious and special to resonate with a thing that doesn’t resonate for everyone, a rare and generous experience for me. Imagine that.

pottery

At the beginning of the year I signed up for a ten-week session of pottery classes at a studio in Georgetown, and then when I told M, he wanted to join (by which I felt incredibly endeared). Then it became ten more weeks, then ten more, and since then we’ve gone nearly every Thursday night. Some things that are nice: learning to to make something with my hands, especially after staring at a screen all day; not being able to look at my phone or read the news for several hours (related: so many of the Democratic debates happened on Thursday nights!); having a standing weekly date with my favorite person. Nearly everyone in our lives got lumpy bowls, vases, etc. for Christmas this year, of which we are very proud.

“rooms on fire” by stevie nicks

This year, Stevie Nicks became the first woman be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame twice and so Rolling Stone interviewed her about her fabulous career. In the interview, Rob Sheffield said his favorite song of hers is “Ooh My Love” from The Other Side of the Mirror, which is an album I had never listened to before, so I started listening and the first song just hooked me. It’s so dramatic and magical and moody! It’s right up there on the Apple Music-generated playlist of my most-played songs of the year.

stockholm

For several years one of my repeated resolutions was “go to Scandinavia.” Sweden has always been the big goal, but Oslo seemed possible for a minute, and in 2013 I did briefly entertain the idea of going to graduate school in Finland. (Imagine!) This year I got really fed up of having not really, you know, taken a proper vacation since starting my job, so I took a full week off after my sister’s wedding and planned a solo trip to Stockholm. Each day of my trip I woke up whenever I woke up and I explored a different island; I went for long runs, drank coffee, ate kardemummabullar, took the subway across town, saw a one-of-a-kind Viking ship. I burst into tears at the Moderna Museet, ate through a vegetarian tasting menu at the Fotografiska, had an extremely lovely spa experience. I read three books in a week. I loved every second of it.

wigs

I bought a big gaudy pink wig this spring in anticipation of seeing Sasha Velour’s one-woman show in New York -- or, I told myself I bought it for that reason, but I think I really just wanted the possibility of wearing a big gaudy pink wig at will. After the Sasha show, I wore it to see Robyn at The Anthem, and was delighted when, after I put a picture on Instagram, a handful of people in my life thought I had a) dyed my hair pastel pink and b) grew my hair ~half a foot over the weekend. (I wish!) I think I’ll wear it for our house’s beach-themed NYE party, too.

everything else 

frequent, long drives with M; songs about solidarity; the #saltypod; custom t-shirts; craving waffles; having an e-reader; the concept of “the archive”; choosing kindness; threatening to move to rural new england to work on a farm; being in love