#kep the bit guys im love in it

[muxas-world]

The lecrec-piastri lore keeps growing up "not just one but 2 leclercs on the front row, your nephew also made it there""yeah, it's a ferrari family front row. really happy for my nephew and for my brother too" (cd)

[soyeahitsmiddleearth]

One Weary Human

The Company x Reader

All of the company is drunk. The twist? None of them act the way you’d expect, like at all. Shy Bilbo is all flirty, chill Bofur keeps wanting to start bar fights, Kili/Fili try to be philosophical, Dwalin is the “You’re my best friend. I just love you so much, man,” type of guy, and Thorin is actually FUN and FUNNY. The reader is just sitting there feeling like she’s legitimately in the fucking Twilight Zone ---middleearth2asgard

---

You knew you should've stopped them from drinking all that ale. 

Over and over again you thought to yourself that this night won't end well if you don't put a cap on their drinking, but each time you came close to interfering you kinda just decided that letting them have fun is better. 

I mean, they've earned it so why not let them enjoy their first night out of danger after all those awful things that happened? Dragons, trolls, orcs, near-death experiences, a war, thousands of horrible things and one night to unwind and be happy. You can't very well take that away from them. 

But you really should've. 

By the time they polished off the first half of the barrel of ale they are completely wasted, and it's hard to keep track of them amidst the sea of men, other dwarves, and elves who survived the battle. 

Well, maybe not wasted since they can still talk and walk around sort of well, but they're definitely inebriated. 

You had maybe a quarter mug of drink before you realized they'll need someone to watch over them, so after that you gave up and decided to make sure none of them do anything stupid (also, ale tastes horrible so you don't wanna finish it). 

Which, to some extent, they do. 

Act stupid, I mean. 

It's just the complete opposite of who you thought it would be. 

You honestly thought that your biggest issue would be Fili and Kili, and probably Dwalin, but as it turns out they aren't even close to being a problem. 

As it turns out, your biggest issue at the moment happens to be Bofur, Bilbo, and Ori. 

Bofur is, quite literally, trying to start a fight with everybody. Bilbo won't leave you alone, and flirting with you so shamelessly. And Ori... won't stop crying no matter what you do. 

For the life of you, you don't know what to do. 

Every time you tell Bofur to calm down he tells you to square up (more or less), when you try to console Ori he cries even harder, and Bilbo... he has pickup lines for days. 

"Bofur! For the last time, sit down and stop glaring at everyone!" You snap, grabbing the back of his shirt when he starts yelling at someone for 'looking at him funny' while also patting the back of Ori's head comfortingly. 

"E-Everyone is so mean to me..." Ori sniffles and sobs, reaching up to grab onto your hand, using it to wipe his tears away like a tissue. 

You cringe but let the young dwarf do it since he's sobbing so much, and when he releases you, you turn to Bofur.

"Stop tellin' me what to do!" He shoots back angrily, though he doesn't fight you when you force him to take a seat. "Damn woman..." 

"Bilbo, please keep an eye on these two while I find everyone else." You tell the small hobbit making heart eyes at you. 

"Surely, my dear, you would much rather stay with me?" 

You kinda just stare at him for a moment before slowly saying, "Do as I say." 

He doesn't reply to that and takes a seat, listening to you surprisingly enough. 

Once that's done you slide off your chair and try to find everyone else, noticing Thorin right away since he's... doing stand up comedy?

He's standing on a table and the group that's gathered around him is laughing their asses off, telling him to give them more jokes which shocks you to your very core. This mans is the complete opposite of funny and chill. 

"And then I told him that no pretty pixie of an elf will talk to me like that!" 

The crowd around him roars with laughter and applause, and while you didn't hear the first part of his 'joke' it still doesn't humor you. 

You fight your way through the countless bodies and finally get to the table, cupping your hands over your mouth so he can hear you when you yell, "Thorin! It's time to go!"

"Y/N! I've been looking everywhere for you!" Thorin calls happily, successfully putting the attention onto you. "I've lost my nephews! Have you seen them by any chance?" 

Why is he asking you??? 

You shake your head slowly and reply, "No, why would I know where they are?" 

"Well, you certainly seem to know the whereabouts of their tongues quite well!" He calls with loud boisterous laughter while everyone around proceeds to find it funny too. 

You kinda just stand there for a moment, looking up at him blankly before your face begins to grow hot. 

Okay, you know what? No, you're not dealing with this right now. 

Very slowly you begin to back away, trying to both avoid eye contact with everyone and also trying to keep yourself from blowing up on the new king. 

Where did he get such an idea from anyway? Freaking dummy. 

"There she goes, off to another royal snogging!" 

More laughter, but you're disappeared and gone before anyone can poke anymore fun at you for something that most certainly did not happen. 

The next person you find, coincidentally, is the princes, and you're pleased to see them sitting mellowly at a table and having a conversation. 

"There you boys are! Thank god you're not drunk, if you could please help me to gather-" and then you hear their conversation and horribly slurred speech. 

"No, I'm tellin' ya, Fee, there's no way lovin' is easier than being loved. It jus' doesn' make sense." Kili tells his brother while shaking his head.

"Of course it does! When ya love then ya don' have t' worry about your own feelin' anymore, 'cause then you already know." 

Are these two really discussing the complexity of loving versus being loved? 

"An' how would you know that?" Kili asks, shaking his head back in fourth a bit too much to show his disagreement. 

"Tha's none of your busn'ess." He slurs back, pointing a finger at him accusingly. 

"How can we even be sure that it's real in tha first place?" 

"Are you sayin' you don't love me?" Fili challenges. 

Kili freaks out and shakes his head, "N-No no! Of course I do!"

"You better, 'm your brother." Fili grumbles, turning his head until he notices you, "Oh! Y/N!"

You're quiet for a moment, kinda just looking at them oddly since their conversation both makes no sense, but also makes all the sense.

They take your silence as a go ahead to continue their 'discussion' and Fili then brings up, "Well wha' about Y/N?" 

"What about her?" Kili asks back, laying his head down on the table after a moment. 

"Nnoo, 'm askin' her." 

"You didn't ask me anything." You chime in, reaching over to take their mugs from them. "You two are making no sense." 

"Wellll, I think she would rather be loved since it doesn' make sense tha' loving is easier." Kili grumbles, trying to reinforce his point through you. 

"I don't think it really matters at the moment, boys. Why don't you both come with me and we can all take a nap and sleep off our drunkenness..." 

"No! It does matter!" They both yell at the same time, successfully earning a sigh from you. 

"But-" 

"Y/N!" Someone calls excitedly suddenly. 

You turn your head slowly, but before you can put a face to the voice, someone it crushing you in a big hug. 

"Have I told you that you're an excellent woman?" The person crushing the life out of you asks, and it's at that moment that you realize it's... Dwalin. 

"U-Uh, no, not really-"

"Well, that's a shame! You're wonderful." He confirms with a quiet hiccup, holding you slightly tighter when you start to squirm. 

"Alright, thank you Dwalin but if you could please-"

"See! My point is proven." Fili slurs triumphantly, pointing at you and Dwalin. "He's havin' a ball, nd' she's freakin' out!" 

"That h-haaas nothing to do with love, Fee!" Kili grumps back, smacking Fili on the shoulder harshly. 

"Hey! Who do you think yer lookin' at!?" An all to familiar, standoffish voice bellows to your left. 

You turn your head and see Bofur trying to get some huge dude to throw some punches, and then you hear more jokes from Thorin across the room, Ori's wails, and Bilbo flirting with some other person. 

Mahal save your soul. 

"You three." You call suddenly, gaining the attention of Dwalin, Fili, and Kili (the three you thought you would be having the most problems with). "Whoever gathers the most of our friends outside gets a big prize."

Kili gasps and asks, "A big prize?" 

"The biggest prize." You confirm, feeling relieved when Dwalin lets you go. 

"What is the prize?" Dwalin asks, looking at you with a very uncharacteristic grin on his face. 

"I can't tell you, it's a secret until one of you wins." 

"Oh, I'm gonna get more than you two!" Fili calls, struggling to get up from his seat before Kili, the two pushing and shoving each other while they fight to stand. 

"No fighting or you are disqualified." You warn, wagging a finger at them.

Thank god they listen. 

---

You manage to gather the original three (Ori, Bilbo, and Bofur) and Nori, and get them outside of the party hall, trying your best to calm Bofur and Ori while Bilbo keeps on calling you beautiful and complimenting you. 

Eventually, Dwalin walks out with two dwarves. Balin (who is sober, thank god) and Dori. 

The next person to show up is Kili, and he has Bombur and Gloin. 

Finally, Fili emerges from the hall and managed to swipe Oin and Bifir.

You smile at them brightly before you realize you're one short, "Where's Thorin?" 

Fili sighs and answers, "I tried ta get 'im but he made fun of me until I left." 

That sounds about right. 

"I tried, too! But he kep' callin' me names." Dwalin grumbles while Kili nods. 

"Yea-h, he kep' pokin' fun at my beard." Kili agrees, looking at the two he gathered, "Who won?" 

"None of you, it's a tie." You reply, shaking your head.

A part of you is glad, actually that they all have the same amount, because you have no idea what the supposed 'big prize' is supposed to be. "I'll have to find a way to get Thorin, I guess..." You state wearily, already growing tired of their shenanigans. 

" 'm sorry." The three you assigned to help you say sadly, looking at you with big upset eyes. 

"N-No, it's fine! Just, keep everyone out here, okay? I'll be right back." 

---

Suffice to say you were not 'right back' at all. 

The moment you walked back up to Thorin he started making more jokes about you 'being with' different people in the original company, and very quickly does your patience wear thin. 

At some point you just lose it and end up grabbing his ear and dragging him out of the party hall while people boo at you for being a fun killer. 

Once you've successfully made him leave, you push him out the doors and do a quick headcount to make sure everyone is still there. 

You take them all to a private wing where they all have their rooms in as well as a private kitchen Bombur introduced you to. 

"Okay, good. Now that we're all gathered up in one place... Come with me to the kitchen. Lets eat a bit and have some water, okay?" 

"Is there more ale?" Dwalin asks with the same smile. 

"No!" You snap a bit angrier than you mean to, "No more alcohol for any of you."

That successfully shuts them up. 

Once everyone is seated at the table in the newly stocked kitchen, you go through the cupboards and collect some berries and bread, bringing them over to the table so they can get something in their stomachs to absorb all that alcohol. 

You give them all some chunks of bread and leave a handful or two for everyone (more for the bigger of them), then you walk off to get some water. Balin helps you out with it all (being as he's barely even tipsy), and eventually everyone has water and some food. 

It doesn't take long for everything to disappear into their stomachs, and once they've done as you instructed you start to help some of them to their individual rooms. 

Nori and Dori drag Ori to the room they share, Balin takes care of Dwalin, Bombur excuses himself and thanks you heartily, but you have to take care of everyone else unfortunately. 

First, you deal with Bifir, Oin, and Gloin, which isn't too hard luckily. 

Bifir says something you can't understand and gives you a hug before going off to bed, and Oin thanks you tiredly before closing his door. Gloin smiles at you, being less drunk then those left behind, and thanks you as well before heading off to sleep. 

Now you're left with Bilbo, Thorin, Fili and Kili, and, finally, Bofur.

When you reenter the kitchen, Thorin is laughing about something he said no doubt, and Bofur is glaring at him so angrily you're afraid he might actually hit him. 

"B-Bofur!" You call, running over to stand between them before wrapping your arm around his waist when he starts to wobble and walk towards Thorin. 

Right away he stops and leans into you, still glaring at Thorin while he wraps an arm around you in return, "Wha' is it?" 

"Come along, I'm going to take you to your room for bed. You too, Bilbo, come here." 

Bilbo has no problem walking over to you (though he does sway a bit) and stands next to you while you begin to take Bofur out of the room. "That's a good boy, come on." You usher them both out and, eventually, manage to get Bofur to his room so he can sleep it off. 

You shuffle him to his bed, and once he's seated you tell him to take off his shoes. While he does that, you swipe his hat and lay it on the bedside table, pulling his blanket back so he can lay down. 

Once he climbs in, you pull the covers up over him and pat his head, "There you are. Go ahead and sleep for me, dear, cause you're going to feel dreadful in the morning." 

He closes his eyes while grumbling something about being told what to do, of course he listens nonetheless and doesn't move or say anything else. 

You lean down and kiss his forehead lightly, then turn and leave the room. 

The door thumps softly when you shut it, and then you grab Bilbo's arm and walk with him to his room.

"You're simply stunning in this light, Y/N." Bilbo tells you, wrapping an arm around you despite being able to walk fine. "Completely breathtaking." 

"Thank you, Bilbo. Though, you're going to be mortified tomorrow. I can imagine you'll be begging for forgiveness within an hour of waking up." You comment, opening up his door so you can take him to his bed. 

"W-"

"Not a word." You cut him off quickly, knowing that he's going to say something very not appropriate, for both your sake and his. 

He climbs into bed without further coaxing, though you do have to take off his coat for him and fluff up his pillow a bit, but once he's nestled under the covers, he doesn't go to sleep. 

Instead he stares at you with baggy eyes, and smiles lightly, "You look radiant." 

"As you've said a few times, Bilbo. You spoil me." You lean down and press a light kiss to his forehead next, and when you stand up straight again he reaches up and taps your nose.

You giggle softly and grab his hand, placing it back at his side before walking over to the door. 

"Goodnight, Bilbo." 

"G'night, Y/N." 

When you arrive back at the kitchen, Thorin is gone and only Fili and Kili remain, talking about another odd topic once more. 

"Where did Thorin go?" You ask, looking around then back down the hall. 

"His head hurt, and he went to bed." Kili replies chipperly, smiling brightly. 

Well, that does make your job a fair bit easier. 

"Alright. Well, boys it's time for bed so come along." You tell them in a gentle voice, gesturing for them to come to you with a wave of your hand. 

Somehow they manage to get to their feet, but after they take a few steps it becomes painfully obvious that there's no way they'll be able to make it, like Bofur. 

Right away you go over to Kili and have him wrap an arm around your waist, and, somehow, you manage to shuffle forward with him to his brother who is looking very unstable at the moment. 

You get Fili to wrap an arm around you as well, and once you've got them both you proceed to, very slowly, shuffle your way to their room. 

At some point Kili started to press his face into your neck and Fili began to lean into you more heavily. If it weren't for the fact that you had one of them on either side of you, you probably would've toppled over. 

Eventually, you do manage to get them to their room, and once you do you bring them to their beds (there are two). 

You have them both sit down and go to light a candle, and once that's done you turn back to see if their laid down yet. Only, their both looking down at their feet as if they expect their shoes to taken themselves off. 

With a heavy sigh, you walk over to Fili and crouch down, taking off his shoes with little difficulty. "There you go, now take off your jacket and lay down." 

Fili nods his head and begins to shrug off his coat, so you turn and go to Kili, pulling off his shoes next. 

Once he's barefoot, you stand and smooth his hair back lightly, "You take off your coat too, okay?" 

"A'right." He mumbles, doing just as you said. 

You step away and take a few steps; and, once their both laying down, you go to Fili and pull his covers up to his chin. 

"Do you sleep with your braids in?" You ask quietly once he's tucked in. 

"N't my mustache ones..." He replies with his eyes closed. 

You nod, though he can't see it, and reach down and pull the clips off, placing them on the beside table so he can grab them tomorrow morning. 

Once he's settled, you lean down and press a kiss to his head, then turn and go to Kili. You're basically on a seesaw with these two, tending to one for a moment before going to the other. 

Kili is sitting up with his legs under the blanket, but when you walk over he lays down completely and waits for you to give him the same treatment as his brother. 

You grab the top of his comforter and pull it up until it covers most of his chest, and once that's done you reach behind his head and pull the clip from the back of his head, off. "Is there anything else?" You ask softly while placing his beaded clip down as well. 

"No..." 

You nod, then lean down and kiss his forehead like you've done to literally everyone else.

"Alright. Goodnight then, boys." 

[kopikokun]

Hi! Can I get a ship? Im shy at first - unless u meet me arnd my best friends, but im always awkward. im creative (photos/vids) and can overwork myself. my friends call me caring&a therapist but they also say im the maknae that everyone has a soft spot for. they also say im too kind for my own good. im quite affectionate. im introverted and hate large crowds, but love long walks and dogs. i prioritize my friends happiness over mine. i like to think im funny but idk.:) I’m an infp-t and a cancer

— :: 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐂𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐄𝐃.

Hey, sweetpea! I have a soft spot for cancers since my best friend’s one, and you sound so cute 🥺 I think you’d be best suited with Jeno!

»» ──────　[*:. ☁︎ .:*]　────── ««

— GETTING TO KNOW LEE JENO.

Surprise, surprise, Jeno is a—you guessed it—introvert.

Although he likes being around others, he prefers quiet time to himself.

It was a bit hard for you two to become close, given both you and Jeno’s naturally shy nature. Fortunately—for both you and him—Jaemin, Haechan and Chenle’s extroverted and subconsciously loud personalities manage to always push the two of you together.

Oddly, you guys bond well despite it being slightly awkward the first few times you two talked.

But maybe, that’s why you two get along so well. Both of you are pretty chill and discreet. You try not to bring too much attention to yourselves and prefer quiet surroundings.

Jeno truly gets that soft, cute vibe from you. You’re soft spoken, but you still have a humorous side to you. You’re kind and tend to kep to yourself, and Jeno just wants to be the person you can confide in.

He always notices how you put the other member’s needs before yourself, his included. When you guys get pizza, you’re the one to tend to everyone and make sure that they all have plates and when Haechan’s eyes dart around for a napkin, you’re the one to stand up and get one for him.

That’s why Jeno will be the one who makes sure you get everything as well. He’ll offer to refill your water when you’re out, he’ll cut out a slice for you if you want, he’ll make sure that the others will save a portion of the sides for you.

At first he just did this because he was caring for a dear friend, but since you don’t openly show when you need something, Jeno has had to observe you to find out if you do. Because of that, he finds himself staring at you more often, noticing all your cute little expressions and gestures, seeing your face brighten as a smile tugs at your lips.

What started out as just looking out for you has turned into romantic feelings. Now, even when you guys aren’t eating pizza or having a movie night, Jeno finds that he’s sneaking unnecessary glances at you way too often for it just to be looking out for you.

You catch him staring a few times but you don’t bring it up because you dismiss it as just a coincidence. But one day, he does it way too many times and for way too long for it to be just that, so you start feeling a little shy and insecure. Is there something in your teeth?

When you finally confront him about it, Jeno comes clean about his feelings for you, laughing nervously and twiddling his thumbs.

— DATING LEE JENO.

Again, Jeno is a boyfriend who is always looking out for you.

You’re very in tune with his emotions, knowing exactly when to give him a much needed kiss to lift his spirits.

So, Jeno is always eager to return the favour. He wants to care for you, because he knows you have a tendency to overwork yourself. You don’t show it, but he knows when you’re tired and just want to lay in his arms and cuddle.

Jeno will definitely stand up for you when he feels like he needs too. You’re just way too nice when your ‘friends’ give you these back handed comments and Jeno’s rage only builds and buikds as he watches you smile like it doesn’t affect you.

He won’t exactly lash out at them or start a fight, he’ll just call them out on their behaviour. He doesn’t want you to feel like he’s your knight in shining armour or anything, and he doesn’t want you to think that you owe him anything, so he usually doesn’t say everything he wants to say.

If one day you come home crying though, you better believe he’ll hunt whoever made you fele like that down.

He loves talking long walks with you, just holding your hand and talking about nothing in particular. He loves the feeling of the warm evening breeze in his hair as the Sun kisses his skin, and having you close to him makes his heart lurch.

If both of you are ready for it, he’ll definitely get you a puppy a few years into the relationship. He’ll definitely spoil your dog like crazy, talking in that voice most people use for babies.

When you show him the video you made of your relationship for your anniversary, he’ll melt on the spot. Seeing all those videos of you two together will make him tear up. Kiss those tears away and he’ll smile up at you like you’re the only person in the world.

Affection-wise, Jeno isn’t a PDA typa man. It makes both you and him tok shy to even think about. When you two go on picnics and see couples kissing on their mats, both of your faces heat up in embarrassment.

In private, is another story though. Jeno goes full on with the affection. Constantly peppering kisses all over your face. He loves kissing your cheeks and your eyelids. He’s obsessed with the way your eyelashes flutter as you giggle after he’s bombarded you with kisses.

Simps for you like crazy when you initiate intimacy.

Constantly complimenting you, telling you how pretty you are, how lucky he is to have you and how much he loves you.

Isn’t too much with nicknames. He likes to call you, baby, honey, cutie.

If you give him a nickname... he’ll go into cardiac arrest over how adorable you are.

»» ──────　[*:. ☁︎ .:*]　────── ««

— 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧. | 𝐫𝐮𝐥𝐞𝐬.

[unheardconversations]

12-3

Hey, 

I’m not really sure why im here. I think that I just needed to go to somewhere where i felt like I could let it flow out. To be honest it’s not flowing that well. I started thinking about the journal that I used to keep and the letters that I used to write and it made me remember that putting your thoughts down isn’t the worst thing sometimes. Sometimes you need to lay everything out on paper and see what you really have to work with. 

I’m not happy. I’ve tried to pretend that I am. I feel like I’ve tried everything under the sun to try and fill the void. But it’s not really a void. I feel so dramatic describing something like that as a ‘void’. its just what it feels like sometimes. It feels like somethings missing. I don’t think it’s a person or a thing but it’s something to think about. It keps me up at night most nights. I don’t really sleep anymore. I’m up till around 2, then I toss and turn thinking about all the things that have gone wrong. I mean they’re not really that bad, I know i’ve hurt some people in the past but I swear i wasn’t out there to. I think i just get so caught up in the things that I’m doing that I forget about what the outcomes of some of these actions may be. 

I thought the money was going to make me happy. Six figures, who would have thought. Dad always told me I was going to end up in the trailer park. Guess I show’d him. We’re actually good friends now. We built a car together and he doesn’t hold anything against me for what happened in the divorce. In retrospect I probably didn’t treat him fairly. I know he did some bad things but just because you do some bad things it doesn’t always mean that you’re a bad person. Mom and I haven’t been that close lately.She’s been really busy with the new baby and she wants me to visit all the time but there’s just not enough hours in the day most days. I find it hard to talk to her sometimes as well. It’s like she’s lost touch with me. I don’t know what’s going on. I didn’t try and wedge a divide between us but it feels like there’s one there. I saw her over the weekend and we didn’t even spend any time together. She seems happy but if I had to pick favorite memory it was definitely drinking mudslides on the beach with her. really good times there. 

Corinne is growing up really fast. Faster than I ever would have thought. She’s become my best friend here lately. I help her with her homework probably 3 times a week. She thinks im smart but it’s hard to believe. She broke up with her first boyfriend the other day and didn’t even bat an eye. To be honest I’m a little jealous of the ability to do that. Kendall is also slimming out a little bit. She’s getting so big but in the event of letting it all flow out, I love her but I also resent her a little bit. I moved back home so I could be close to family but I don’t see them anymore than if I had stayed at the other job. 

Speaking of the other job, I miss it. I moved my whole life up here on a wim and didn’t necessarily account for all of the variables in the equation. Don’t get me wrong, the new job is great. I make more money and I’m working less hours. But i miss the travel and the long days and building the things that helped people live. All I do now is sit in meetings and answer questions for people helping them do the things they can’t figure out themselves. No one really relates to me here and it’s hard to make friends. I’ve been all over the world and have accomplished so much and now I sit behind a desk. I know it’s just a stepping stone but I feel like I can’t ever let anything go. I don’t know whats wrong with me.

I stopped taking my medicine when I moved back up here because I thought that this new job and being closer to family was going to be the answer to all of my problems. It wasn’t. And maybe I shouldn’t have quit taking it so abruptly but I really thought I could do it this time. I feel so weak for taking it. I mean everything is going right in my life and here I am taking anti-depressants. Like what kind of shitty joke is that. I have everything that I could ever want and here I am with a permanent frown on my face. 

I miss shadow. I miss my dog. I wish that I could have spent more time with him before we put him down but he couldn’t even walk anymore. He was my best friend and I remember when I was younger and dad would yell at me about my grades I would just go talk to him. I know that sounds weird but I would just go sit down and talk to my dog about all the things that were troubling me. 

I hate myself for ranting like this. It’s not very becoming of me. It doesn’t match the outside with the inside if that makes sense. I’m constantly putting myself down and being so cynical. It’s like there’s a little voice in the back of my head telling me I can’t do anything that I want to do. Telling me that I’m nothing, or I shouldn’t have said that or that everyone hates me. And then I go on top of that voice and get mad at myself for listening to it. But sometimes little voices are really loud. 

I feel like a bad person most days. I feel like no on e would miss me if I was gone. Like the world wouldn’t skip a beat if I wasn’t here. So i start thinking “whats the big deal?” 

I think about ending it a lot. I think about the things that I wouldn’t have to deal with if i just didn’t exist. Then I start to feel like a coward for all the things that I would leave behind if i did and well, there aren’t many.

When i was in bethesda I saw one of my soldiers because he had tried to kill himself. He was stuck in the psych unit. He didn’t tell anyone. He only told us that he was admitted. I happened to be up there and i spent 4 hours with him just building puzzles and talking. it was an odd thing to see. The person thinking about ending it trying to talk the person that tried off the ledge. 

All of my guys went to kuwait. I try not to think about it. Even though they’re not doing anything over there. Just sitting in the desert, I feel like a coward for not going. I get out of the army in march. I’m not really sure how thats going to go. It’s been one of the only things that has kept me grounded while all of the maddness has been going on around me. 

I’m out of things to talk about now. I thought this was going to make me feel better but I don’t know if it helped or made it worse. I remember writing in my journal at basic and how it always took the weight off my shoulders. If i could put it on paper then it didn’t seem so bad. Like a math problem that you can’t do in your head ya know? Now I’m just sitting here thinking about everything that I wrote above and I wonder if anyone will ever see this. I’m not really sure. But hey that’s the point of a journal right? Who cares if anyone reads it because Its your place to say whatever you want and get it off your chest. I’m just too lazy to write these days so I’ll put it here. 

Maybe I should write about some good things now that I have cleared the air a little bit. 

The new townhouse i’m in is great. It’s got more space than I could ever need. 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. Not really why I sprung for som much but it’s in the budget so why not? Speaking of budgets that shit really runs my life these days. Every time I think about doing something I have to consult the all mighty Excel sheet to see if it’s possible. 

I finally have time to play video games again. Not sure if thats good or bad yet we’ll see. But having the spare time to do something is really nice. 

I rebuilt the shitty computer that I got right afdter AIT so the computer case isn’t covered in tanks anymore. It looks more professional and I use it almost everyday. I use it to lab up the things I’m learning at work. Holy shit learning at work. I’m finally at a place where they want me to learn about things. Everywhere else has always been just learn the job and thats it. Here they actually care about me and the things that I have going on. I work from home a lot now which is really nice. I don’t even have to wear pants. AND i finally got a pair of crocs. Jesus have I been missing out on these babies. No one even told me I was missing out on the greatest footwear of all time. 

I wokr on SDWAN now. I build virtual computer networksa for large companies and extend their private network out in to the cloud. I work with AWS to virtualize all of their infrastructure and make their business more efficient. It’s not as fulfilling as acutally putting the equipment like at the last job, but I guess it;s fulfilling in a way. 

I don’t drive a shitty civic anymore. I drive a new civic. Upgrades people Upgrades. I’m really digging the bottom of the barrel for good stuff but it’s making me feel better so I’m going to roll with it. 

Cary really isn’t that bad. I think I may have taken charleston for granted a little bit since it was such a nice city. But i was never there so it’s hard to tell if I even missed out on anything. I only drive about 15 minutes to work and thats only about three times a week. 

I’m making more money than I’ve ever made in my life right now. I don’t know what to do with it most days. I feel like most charities are corrupt so I just tip really well. I left a waitress the other night $100 just because she asked me how my day was. It’s not much but it makes me feel good and I feel like they really appreciate it. 

I don’t really drink anymore. I stopped after I realized it amkes me feel really bad. I may be happy for a minute but somewhere between being maniacly happy and throwing up there’s a real dark place in there and I don’t like to go to it. I may start up again but i doubt it. It’s just not worth all of the emotional torture that I have to go through. I’ll stick to being a DD. 

I’m going to the doctor tomorrow to talk about getting back on my medicine. I don’t thing that it would hurt I just want to everntually stop takling it. Mainly because I’m too lazy to remember taking a pill each morning and I don’t want to have to rely on something like that to make me happy. I want to be happy on my own. I want to be strong enough to not have to take it. 

I think I’m done now. I’m not going to proof read this so If it sounds like garbage I’m cool with it. 

All in all it did make me feel better. I might do it again tomorrow. 

Hope you have a good day