#kayo makes a meaningful appearance

[edutainer2022]

I got deeply impressed and moved by the stories Breaking and Loneliness by the amazing @janetm74, so the deep dive into Scott's pained, unraveling headspace (and how it affects the brothers) wouldn't let me go. This is a John and Scott story, set marginally in "A Cracked Pot"-verse (same as Breaking). Scott hit a tipping point and John has to think fast on his feet.

Warnings: mental health issues, suicide mention, mental breakdown.

CONTINGENCIES

John took the moment of quiet to regroup. He didn't have much time. The door to the walk-in closet was ajar, so he would see if Scott moved or got up. That wasn't his place. He NEEDED Virgil! But Scott's sobs wound into a wail, once he mentioned summoning the brother far better equipped for that. John got scared, clutching Scott in his arms for dear life.

He hadn't seen biggest brother like that since... since Dad was gone. The memory of leaving the psych facility without Scott then still kept John awake at night. He wasn't sure what triggered the breakdown either. Only Scott refused to see Virgil, blissfully ignorant on the beach at the moment - doing some thing or other marine life or art related with Gordon. John followed the queasy gut feeling when there was nobody to greet him from orbit in the lounge, several holo-spreadsheets abandoned open on the console. Scott's paperwork of the day. He found biggest brother curled in on himself in his room - tears streaming down, nearly unresponsive. Mumbling a litany of being broken and no good for anyone anymore, no fun, no time, no self. And apologies. A stream of apologies laced with so much pain - John got truly mortified for the first time in a long while.

The prudent thing to do would be to ignore Scott's protests and to fetch Virgil with a sedative.  But he couldn't bring himself to let biggest brother go, maneuvering his lanky limbs around him awkwardly, till Scott's weeping exhausted him into uneasy rest. He wasn't asleep, just quiet and trans-like, mesmerizing the closet door. That's why John made a break for it, loath as he was to unlatch himself from big brother's prone frame. He had a good pretense - the need to change out of his spacesuit. Scott's comfortable sweats and a hoodie would always do the trick for him. But most importantly he needed to stop his hands from shaking and to ping Eos. A quick tap on the touchpad and the door to Scott's in-built safe got open. John reached in blindly and removed the gun trying not to look at it. Another quick move and the weapon was wrapped in John's now discarded spacesuit. The next time the door of the safe closed it was with a scrambled secure code Eos input. Just as she changed all access codes to all weaponries on the island on John's orders. That was a conversation with Kayo he wasn't looking forward to having, soon. But first things first.

He cast a glance at Scott - the brother hadn't moved from his spot on the covers. But he didn't appear in more distress. John weighed his options. The bunched up uniform was concealing his morbid trophy. He raked his memory trying to recall if Scott had any blades or sharp objects in his bathroom. Maybe not, but there was a cabinet worth of unused prescription pills. Scott got a, sadly, corroborated idea, soon after Dad was gone, the IR would not be greenlit for operations if the Commander didn't have all his marbles in a row.

A faux lighthearted "I'll get you a glass of water, Scotty" elicited no response. John dashed into the en suite, swept past due date prescription bottles into the folds of blue neoprene, and hurried back into the room. He needn't have worried for plausibility, though. Scott was still and listless, curled in on himself. John leaned down to rest his forehead on big brother's temple, clutching the grim harvest of suicide proofing Scott's quarters, closely to his chest. He felt the breath brush his chin more than heard the words.

"I'm sorry... I thought I could be... for all if you... I'm not..."

Air caught in John's throat and he nearly choked on a sob of his own. He felt dizzy. He wanted to scream. To let out the ire at the pain that was dragging his brother under. It wasn't fair! Scott didn't deserve it! They couldn't loose him! They wouldn't! John squeezed his eyes, feeling the tears burn, and tried to remember the lay of the sitting room, bathroom and bedroom for more potential hazards. Pens, ties, cashmere scarves, bed linens, mouthwash, aspirin, climbing gear, supershiny gell, maybe even mirrors - it would all have to go. John was not taking any chances. Eos should have already blocked the sliding doors to the balcony. But first he had to get rid of the most obvious threats. He gave Scott's temple a quick peck and rushed to the door. John's plan was remarkably unsophisticated - stash the uniform-turned-sack in the hallway, out of sight, and sprint back to hold Scott through the worst of it. Ideally, he should be in and out in under thirty seconds. He couldn't let big brother out of his sight for longer - it made him physically sick.

The plan caught a hitch as soon as he slipped out, leaving the door half open again. A shadow detached from the wall and he was face to face with Kayo. Oh! Right... The armory locks... F*ck... Jade eyes gave him a once over - Scott's hoodie, a disheveled ginger mop, full body shivers and all. Kayo reached to relieve him of the balled up uniform and the burden it harbored without another word.

"He keeps a knife under his mattress. And there's a hidden blade in his belt buckle."

John nodded absently. A brisk fluid motion enveloped him into a brief yet tight hug he didn't fight off. With that Kayo was gone and he hurried back into Scott's room.

"Haya, Scooter! How about we get you into something more comfortable? Let's get this belt off, eh?"

John winced at the way how fake his nonchalance sounded, but he didn't care. Scott was still fully lost in his head.

"I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to break... Noone needs a cracked pot... I'm sorry..."

John gave up trying to wrangle Scott into a well-worn set of sweats for a moment and went back to just holding his brother. His own tears could not be contained any longer and fell freely into the chestnut hair. God, he needed Virgil there! ASAP!

[tagsecretsanta]

From @MissSquidTracy

to @scattergraph

Secret Santa does not own this work, full credit to the author above!

Gordon liked to think of himself as the fashionista of the family.

Sure, his Hawaiian shirts sometimes drew attention of the unwanted kind, but the aquanaut was a firm believer in using clothing as a means of non-verbal communication. John was living proof of this theory.

Unfortunately, all of the freedom associated with self-expression went down the toilet with a resounding ‘flush’ when tradition dictated your attire, even if only for a day.

“Seriously, grandma?” Alan grouched, his bottom lip poking out to form his signature pout when he spied the Tracy matriarch descending the stairs with an armful of colourful sweaters.

“Zip it, kid,” Sally rasped, her tone offering no room for negotiation, “This year marks the tenth anniversary of the Tracy Christmas Album, and I’ll not have your attitude souring the occasion.”

Scott and Virgil shared a look of mutual disgust as Sally handed them two hideously baggy and itchy looking jumpers.

“Don’t you two start as well,” Sally warned, yanking a loose thread off the sleeve of John’s before tossing it towards the redhead, “Anyone caught sulking will be in the kitchen with me for the rest of the afternoon. I’ve just finished a fresh batch of liver and onion stuffing and could use a taste tester.”

Five jumpers were yanked over five heads in perfect unison.

A nod from Sally affirmed her satisfaction with her grandson’s new-found cooperation.

Gordon grimaced and scratched absently as the coarse fibres tickled the soft skin of his neck. Posing for the annual Christmas album photograph was a tradition that stretched right back to their days on the ranch, yet he found himself becoming more disillusioned with it the older he got. Maybe it was the discomfort of wearing an unnecessary extra layer in Tracy Island’s heat. Maybe it was the disappointment of no longer having snow to wake up to on Christmas morning. Maybe it was the absence of his parents, and for the last three years, at least one of his brothers.

“Who’s on the roster for today?” Kayo asked, striding into the room and wordlessly scooping up the one remaining jumper that was equally as ugly as the abominations adorning the torsos of her male colleagues.

In an effort to preserve the family element of the season, Scott had devised a strategy where just one member of International Rescue acted as the primary point of contact for any rescue calls that came through on Christmas Day, be them sea, earth or space based. Last year, Virgil had volunteered and been called to Nigeria to deal with a flash flood. The year before, Kayo had drawn the short straw and ended up assisting with the evacuation of a small town in Chile when a nearby volcano blew it’s top. The year before, Gordon had helped clear away the debris caused by a three-way semi collision on one of Australia’s busiest highways. The aquanaut had been instrumental in ensuring three hundred people made it home in time for Christmas, despite it coming at the expense of his own.

Fairness dictated that Virgil, Kayo and Gordon were exempt from being called upon this Christmas unless absolutely necessary. Accordingly, the honour of being ATD (available to deploy) fell to Scott, John, and Alan to hash out.

One quick round of rock, paper, scissors later, and Scott found himself wondering what brothers three and five would look like with their heads shaved.

“Alright, scoot in!” Sally ordered, returning with Alan’s tablet which she held aloft in an attempt to get a good angle, “Scott and John, you two stand at the back. Gordon and Virgil, you kneel in front of your brothers. Kayo and Alan, I need you both to sit at the front. We’re going for a tiered approach this year.”

A healthy amount of shuffling ensued as each Tracy (plus Kayo) moved into position and tried desperately to make himself/herself look decent. Scott yanked on the hem of his jumper in an attempt to cover up his belt. Virgil tried to hoist his up so that he wasn’t rocking the off the shoulder look. John scrubbed at his nose as the acrylic material began to trigger one of his many allergies. Gordon fanned his face with a hand as sweat began to bead across his forehead. Alan tugged fruitlessly on sleeves that fell woefully short of his wrists, and Kayo demanded that Virgil tell her honestly whether the shape of her jumper made her look fat.

Sally was firmly of the opinion that jumpers had to be vomit-inducingly ugly in order to be ‘festive’. The designs adorning each of the six knitted atrocities in front of her offered indisputable visual evidence of this belief.

Scott was brandishing a bright blue snowman, while Virgil sported a dark green reindeer (complete with light-up antlers). John was the unwilling wearer of an orange gingerbread man, and Gordon was proudly modelling a yellow penguin (complete with a squeezable beak that sang Jingle Bells if you so much as looked at it). Alan appeared indifferent to the red elf plastered across his chest, and Kayo was trying to make the best of her rapidly unravelling black turtledoves.

“Smile!” Sally sang, her finger poised, “On the count of three, everybody say cheese! One…two…three!”

“CHEESE!”

Click.

Flash.

The end result was less than impressive. Scott had blinked at precisely the wrong moment. The grin plastered across Virgil’s face was nothing short of horrifying. John’s eyes were almost as red as his hair. Gordon was shamelessly modelling a chunk of leftover spinach in his right canine. Alan had twisted his head to peer at Virgil at the last second and was a blond and red blur…

Unsurprisingly, Kayo was the only one who’d managed to look straight at the camera and smile like a normal person. 

After reviewing her rather substandard snap and tutting in disapproval, Sally tightened her grip on the tablet and ushered her dispersing grandsons back into formation with a ‘shoo’ motion of her free hand, “Come on you lot, form up. Nobody leaves this room until we have a decent photo. How you boys can look so good in real life but so bad on canvas is beyond me. Your dad always said-“

The sudden departure of an elf wearing Tracy brought all dialogue to an abrupt halt.

“Sorry, grandma!” John yelled as he made a beeline for the stairs, the redness of his nose akin to Rudolph, “But this wool is giving me a nosebleed. You’ll have to take the next shot without me, or just make the one we have work. It might be for the best, as you know how Alan gets unforgivable gas whenever he’s forced to pose.”

The youngest Tracy let loose a honk of outrage, but was dutifully ignored as, one by one, his other brothers began to filter out of the lounge. Excuses of varying degrees of believability bounced off the walls as three more bodies scampered to freedom.

It took all of ten seconds for most of the lounge’s inhabitants to disperse, leaving Kayo and Alan alone with a somewhat disappointed looking Grandma Tracy.

“Oh well,” the Tracy matriarch sighed, reaching to pick up the blue snowman that had been ejected over the first floor bannister, “There’s always next year.”

Kayo smiled thinly and made a mental note to spend next Christmas with her father.

-x-

As well as being the family fashionista, Gordon was also a self-appointed expert in gift giving.

His affinity for making people smile helped tremendously, since it made the process of choosing something his recipient would find meaningful much easier. He wasn’t adverse to buying his brothers practical gifts that they could use in their everyday lives (the tea cosy he’d bought for John the Christmas of fifty four was still in active service), but he knew they had all of the utilitarian gadgets they could ever want or need, courtesy of Brains and their nine figure bank account.

Cue unicorn poo bath bombs, flamingo slippers, and personalised face cushions.

This year however, he’d outdone himself.

Unbeknownst to anyone outside of the family, Gordon was quite the expert on upcycling. He had a knack for seeing potential in things that other people had written off as trash (like Scott, for instance), and took great delight in working with his hands. 

It had taken several days, but he’d finally managed to relocate one of their dad’s old hoverbikes from the ranch to Tracy Island. It had taken up most of the room inside Thunderbird Four’s dry tube station, however he’d managed to offload it in the hanger and perform the desired modifcations in the (relative) privacy of Four’s module. 

Alan had stopped believing in Santa when he was seven. With Lucy dead and Jeff away for three quarters of the year, Scott had taken it upon himself to safeguard whatever remained of his youngest brother’s innocence. Every year on Christmas Eve, without fail, the eldest Tracy donned a red suit and beard and made a big (and often loud) show of depositing presents under the tree. Unfortunately, a rather heated debate one year over Santa’s handwriting (which looked suspiciously similar to Virgil’s), had culminated in the death of Alan’s wide-eyed belief.

Gordon had found the whole debacle rather heart-breaking. Sure, he’d been a year younger than Alan when he himself had stopped believing, but the process had been much gentler. He’d made the innocent mistake of asking John one year to help him with some basic calculations regarding the speed and size of Santa’s sleigh, however had ended up on the receiving end of a lecture from his redheaded brother on reindeer anatomy and wind resistance.

His belief had died peacefully in its sleep nine hours later. 

Still, having a belief squished verbally was a lot less harsh than having it squished visually. Poor Alan.

Gordon smiled to himself as he inspected his handiwork. He’d outfitted the storage compartment on the back of the red hoverbike he’d abducted to look like the back end of a sleigh. He’d toyed with the idea of enlisting the help of a couple of real life reindeer (or ponies) to act as draught animals, but had decided against it after reviewing the vaccination and transport requirements. 

Despite managing to complete the modifications inside Four’s module, Gordon had been forced to relocate his creation elsewhere when he and Virgil had been called away on an impromptu rescue involving a couple of unqualified divers. With his back against the wall, the aquanaut had picked the first alternative hiding place that had come into his head.

The roof.

As ridiculous as it sounded, the glass roof of Tracy Island’s lounge was anchored into numerous rocky outcroppings that, when utilised effectively, provided excellent cover. So long as nobody glanced up, of course.

A sigh of pride bubbled up Gordon’s diaphragm. He might not be able to reverse the damage caused by Virgil’s handwriting gaffe, but he could at least give his youngest brother a laugh and deliver his gifts in style instead.

So preoccupied was the aquanaut with buffing out an imaginary mark from the hoverbike’s bumper, that he failed to notice the Island’s automated weather system bark out the alarm for a storm warning.

Thankfully, John didn’t.

-x-

Scott had checked high and low.

And then high again, just to be sure.

The eldest Tracy was stumped. Gordon had somehow managed to vanish clean off the face of the earth.

Not that such a discovery would usually cause the eldest Tracy any concern (the aquanaut had a knack for evading capture), but Christmas lunch was due to be served any minute and they were one body short at the kitchen table.

“Gordon?” Scott called, shoving his head into the bathroom for what felt like the billionth time that hour. He’d tried calling the aquanaut’s phone, but had been sent to voicemail both times. His biometric tracker showed that he was still on the island, however couldn’t generate an exact location for him. EOS’s heat signature scans weren’t much better, courtesy of the wonky connection brought about by the oncoming storm. 

“I’m stumped,” Scott huffed, admitting defeat with a bemused shrug, “He’s gone. I’ve checked the hanger, the changing rooms, his room, the bathroom, and the gym. Nothing. It’s like he’s poofed into thin air.”

Virgil opened his mouth to reply, however was cut off by the arrival of John, whose expression was an expert blend of concern and flippancy. 

“I’ll give you three guesses as to his location,” the redhead began, “If you win, I’ll do your laundry for a week. If you lose, you have to eat my portion of grandma’s stuffing.”

Scott quickly did the math. It was a risk he was willing to take.

“Is he stuck inside his launch chute?”

“No.”

“Is he swimming in the lagoon?”

“No.”

“Is he hijacking Thunderbird One again?”

“No.”

….

“Well?” the eldest brother demanded, hands on hips. He had no interest in John drawing out his victory for any longer than necessary.

The redhead allowed a small smile to grace his face before gesturing with an index finger towards the ceiling.

Scott blinked as his blue gaze clapped onto a jean-clad butt scrabbling around atop the reinforced glass, oblivious to the small audience he’d amassed as he tried to evade the rapidly intensifying rain.

“The roof?” Scott honked, one hand fisting itself through his hair, “I take my eyes off him for two minutes, and he ends up on the roof?”

“Whoa, whoa!” a new voice piped up, it’s baritone depth failing to bring Scott any relief, “He’s where?!”

The eldest Tracy said nothing, opting instead to stab a finger upwards. Ever the cooperative one, Virgil cast his eyes in the desired direction, a small frown infecting his face as he did so.

“We should probably get him down,” the engineer announced, cringing when Gordon slipped on the now wet glass and starfished on his back, “He’s still wearing his Christmas jumper, and the blasted thing will short-circuit if it gets damp.”

A loud ‘thwack’ echoed around the lounge as Scott’s palm got itself well acquainted with his face.

-x-

John had never been one for big displays of emotion.

A polite smile or, in extreme cases, a shoulder pat were usually the preferred methods his brothers employed whenever they wanted to convey feelings of endearment towards him. 

Christmas was an exception, however, and it was without a shred of his usual awkwardness that the redhead enveloped his fish brother in a tight hug, the scent of singed fabric tickling his nostrils.

Virgil’s extraction of their younger brother hadn’t quite been quick enough, and it was with a suitable amount of humility that Gordon shuffled back into the safety and dryness of the lounge, a thin trail of smoke rising from the beak of his thoroughly soaked penguin jumper.

“How bad was it?” John queried, biting his cheek to keep his humour in check as he took in the static strands of hair atop Gordon’s head. The aquanaut looked as if he’d just stuck his finger inside a plug socket which, on reflection, wasn’t as much of an inaccurate analogy as the redhead had originally thought.

Gordon ignored his space brother in favour of slowly shuffling towards the staircase, an involuntary yelp escaping when his traitorous jumper suddenly gave off a stray spark.

Virgil snorted and flicked a hand through his hair to rid it of the rainwater it had collected, “Nothing to worry about on the health side of things, but man John, you should have seen it. He nearly took off like a firework.”

The redhead quirked an unimpressed brow, “Serves him right for skipping over the electrical safety briefings I sent down last week. You’d think he’d have a better understanding of how water and electricity don’t mix, what with his ‘Bird being the only one kitted out for aquatic reconnaissance.” 

  A shrug was offered by Virgil in lieu of a response, “I’m sure all will be revealed once he’s properly earthed himself. Meanwhile, I’d better get that hoverbike down before it crashes through the roof and lands on someone’s head. Can you send Scott up to help? I could use a couple of his grapples.”

John threw his brother a mock salute before breezing off towards the kitchen, only to stop when he caught sight of a familiar blue outline on one of the sofas.

“Be there in a minute!” Scott mumbled, his cheeks bulging like an oversized hamster as he chomped his way through an indulgent looking doughnut.

John felt his gaze darken as he took stock of the stray sprinkles in the corner of his eldest brother’s mouth, “Where did you get those?”

Scott held a finger up as he swallowed, thumping his chest when a stubborn piece of dough got lodged, “Mainland, to make up for grandma’s sprout and salmon tart. Help yourself, there’s plenty left. I’ve only had three.”

The lack of control Scott had when confronted with unhealthy snacks never failed to amaze his brothers.

“You want to take it easy,” Virgil warned, motioning with one hand to his waistline, “Too many of those could send you to an early grave.”

Scott flicked his hand dismissively and reached for a fourth doughnut.

“Don’t care. I won’t be the one carrying the coffin.”

- FIN -

[hedwigstalons]

The Tracy Prize - part 9

The island residents, minus Kayo, were assembled around the dining table.  

Virgil and Gordon were now both fully dressed and clean.  The brick dust was gone, exposing minor scratches and bruising but no other serious injuries.  Virgil had opted for loose shorts in place of his habitual jeans in deference to his freshly bandaged leg but the wound did not seem to be bothering him too much.  They still looked tired out but that was to be expected.  Scott too was starting to show signs of weariness after his long day.

“We can leave debrief until tomorrow morning.  You two will be having an early night.  No arguments.”

“Uh, Scott, should we be talking about this now?”  Gordon threw a pointed look in the direction of Claire.

“She knows who we are now and it’s blinding obvious you two got called out today.  Operation Cover-Up is over.”

“So does this mean you’re on board?”  Virgil asked Claire, his excitement evident despite his exhaustion.

An air of expectation filled the room.  All eyes turned to Claire.

“I’m considering it.  I still need to work a few things out.  You all seem to be pinning a lot of hopes on my idea but I don’t even know if I can deliver the goods.”

Well it was better than an outright refusal.  Letting Claire in on their secret was a big security risk. Scott just hoped that his gamble of revealing the Thunderbirds hadn’t been in vain.  Kayo had certainly made it clear she disapproved.  

Scott eyed the conspicuously empty place.

“Has anyone seen Kayo lately?  She and I need to have a conversation”

There was a murmur to the negative around the table.

Grandma Tracy spoke up.  “Leave her be.  She and I have already had a few words when you took Claire down to the hangers.”

“What did you say, Grandma?”  The matriarch had been tight lipped on her opinions regarding Claire and Scott was unsure whether she allied herself with him of Kayo.

“I just reminded her that sometimes people keep secrets for entirely honourable reasons.  She had a chat to John after that then took off somewhere.  She’ll be back in her own time.”

The family shared meaningful glances across the table.  There had been a time when Kayo had kept her own secrets in order to protect her adoptive family.

“Can’t you just locate her from her tracker?”  Claire asked.

“Are you kidding?” Alan laughed.  “If Kayo doesn’t want to be found you don’t stand a chance, especially if she has got John involved.”  

The meal was over and the family were just considering moving through to the lounge when Kayo stalked into the room.  She deposited a large insulated cool-bag and some spoons on the table.  

Scott stiffened.  The last time Claire and Kayo had been in the same room, just a couple of hours earlier, he had thought he was going to have to physically restrain the security expert.  His brothers picked up on the tension and held their collective breaths.  Even those that hadn’t witnessed the earlier spat could tell that something serious had gone on between the two women. The temperature in the room seemed to plummet.

Kayo started unpacking tubs.  Tendrils of evaporation swirled around the brightly coloured packages.  Her eyes never left Claire’s as she slid a carton of rocky road down the table.  A spoon quickly followed it.

“What’s this?”  Claire eyed the tub suspiciously.

“Peace offering.”

“How did you know this was my favourite flavour?”

“Would you believe me if I said it was a lucky guess?”

“No”

“I got John to analyse your purchasing history.”

“You two really need to learn the concept of privacy”

Kayo just shrugged.  “It’s my job to know things.  You know I’m still going to be checking up on your story about the professor, don’t you?”

“I would expect nothing less.  Let me give you a helping hand.  Journal of Applied Chemistry, volume 86, issue 4.  Last I heard Professor Oulton was working at University of California.  Go knock yourself out.”

The exchange was icy but polite.  A game of verbal chess as each participant assessed the other, testing how much ground to give. Strengths were shown and tactical sacrifices were made.  

Claire’s eyes remained locked with Kayo’s as she slowly peeled the lid off her ice cream.  It looked like an uneasy truce had been reached. Peace offering accepted.

As Claire picked up the spoon it was as though a spell had been broken. The youngest Tracys tried to attack the pile of ice cream cartons in search of their favourite flavours.  Kayo swatted them back.

A tub of cherry swirl was launched at Virgil’s head with deadly accuracy.  Lemon sorbet followed an equally lethal trajectory towards Scott.  Both were caught with lightening reflexes.  Grandma Tracy’s and Brains’ tubs were delivered in a more sedate manner.  Chocolate fudge was destined for Alan but was quickly swiped by Gordon who licked the surface to stake his claim, gloating over his stolen prize.  A scuffle broke out between the two youngest brothers.  It only ended when Kayo cuffed Gordon around the back of the head while simultaneously unearthing a second tub of chocolate fudge from the bag for Alan.  

“You’re the best, Kayo. John is going to be so jealous he missed out” Alan exclaimed as he twisted around in his seat, wrapping himself in a bear hug around her middle.

Kayo smiled.  It was the first time Claire has seen the expression on her face.  The loyalty to her family was clear to see.

Kayo settled down with the final tub.  Evidently mint choc chip was her preferred choice.  Claire filed the memory away for future reference.

When all the tubs had been emptied and the spoons placed in the dishwasher the family, plus Claire, retreated to the lounge.  Scott and Kayo bringing up the rear.

“Did you seriously take a trip to the mainland just for ice cream?” Scott kept his voice low.

“Don’t sound so surprised.  I can play nice.”

“I don’t want you to just play nice, I want you to be nice.  Claire could be a valuable addition to the team.  By all means follow up on your security checks but please don’t go scaring her off just because the pair of you have started off on the wrong foot.”

“Fine, I’ll behave.”  Kayo rolled her eyes in a way that would have made Alan proud.

As Claire entered the lounge she was instantly drawn to the pictures on the wall.  Gone were the casual portraits.  Instead the images in the frames depicted the siblings in full uniform.  They made quite an impressive sight.  She wandered over to take a closer look.

The frames were digital, allowing the images to be changed at will, but pictures themselves were evidently taken from real paintings.  She could see the delicate brush strokes still clearly visible on the high quality screens.  Each painting has a small signature scrawled in the corner;  V. Tracy.

“Good, aren’t they.”  Scott had appeared silently by her side, making her jump.  “Virgil painted them for each of us to mark our first day on operational duty.”

Claire looked around at the plaid clad figure who was perched back on the piano stool, mirroring how he had been when she had first arrived on the island just yesterday.  Was it really only yesterday?  It felt so much longer.  So many secrets had been spilled.  

Before, she had stiffened at the sight of him, unable to overcome her embarrassment at their first encounter.  Instead of thanking him for salvaging her work she had resented the intrusion he and John had made into her digital records although she still had distinctly uncharitable feelings towards John on that score.  His polite attempts to contact her later on had been taken as a personal attack and viewed as a threat to her independence and integrity.

Now she was seeing him in a new light.  Here was a man who, along with his brothers, would selflessly head into danger to help others.  Who would risk his life for complete strangers with no though of personal reward.  And evidently a man who had considerable skill with a paint brush.

“Come on” said Scott, breaking into her quiet contemplation.  “I think it’s time to introduce you to the final member of the family. Let’s give John a call.”

[hannaaahty]

Sobrang mainstream kung magpopost ako ng ganto on the night of the 31st, so ngayon ko na gagawin. Besides, ayokong ipublicize lahat ng struggles ko sa FB, Twitter and IG...dahil ayokong magmukhang fragelita. char.ahaha. Himala na lang kung matunton to ng pamilya ko, close friends, or other people close to me. Hahaha.

Trigger warning.

This time last year, I was so close to ending my life because of too many things. Pero sa lahat ng yon, ang pakikipag tunggalian sa sarili kong thoughts ang battle na pinaka nahirapan akong harapin. Para sa akin, making decisions should not be a conscious effort, dahil natotorture ko ang sarili ko tuwing naiisip kong kelangan ko mag decide. I am very indecisive and impulsive. I rely on random energy spikes everyday. Pero hindi ko alam na ang ugali kong ganun ang magdadala sa akin sa despair.

Alam kong maling binabalikan ang nakaraan dahil masakit lang.. Pero I always try to look back kasi those struggles made me who I am now. My birthday last year was a horrible day. Halos wala akong kinausap, maski boyfriend ko nun. I was forced by my family to get out of the room..but I just can’t. I felt like a total piece of shit. Hahahaha. A few weeks after, I was molested and raped. Alam ko na sa sarili kong depressed ako at may anxiety, pero that night was the first night that I felt my whole being giving up. I deactivated my FB, said goodbye to my closest friends and told my boyfriend that “I’m just gonna go to sleep.” I was ready. Honestly ready... until after a few minutes, I saw a beam of light out of nowhere. Hindi ko alam kung totoo ang miracles o kung totoo ang Diyos dahil para sa akin, everything is just a social construct. Pero after seeing that light, bumalik ang diwa ko,  I cried so much and put my airplane mode off out of nowhere. At ang unang nag appear sa notifs ko was Niko (a close friend). He simply told me, “Bumalik ka ng elbi. Magusap tayo.” And  that was it. I apologized to myself and I kept crying and crying lang. When my heart was finally ready to go back to elbi, Niko was just there. And I cried to him. Inipon ko lahat ng guts para makwento sa kanya lahat ng nangyari. After talking to him, hinatid niya ako sa dorm ko at pagkauwi ko, nagset siya ng rules kung paano ako makakarecover. #1 was, wag ako mag airplane mode. Hahahahaha. Tangina nun. Then, we promised to let go of our toxic attitudes at magbabago kami sa 2018. Niko was there until kinaya ko nang makarecover mag isa. He’s the friend everyone wishes for. He’s an angel.

And then 2018 came. I met Kassi. Seatmates kami sa  SFI 100 at groupmates sa lab. We instantly got close when one day, I told her I can’t go to our fieldwork because inaatake ako ng anxiety. Out of nowhere, she appeared in my dorm and talked to me about it. We talked and talked until hindi na namin napapansing umiiyak kami. Hahahaha. After that, we cooked food and slept and talked again until matapos yung araw. That was the start of our friendship. Just like Niko, Kassi was just there. She held me until I was ready to get back up again.

On the early months of 2018, nagkaproblema kami ng boyfriend ko. On-off kami. One day, okay. The next day, parang hindi kami magjowa. That went on and on until one day, nagising na lang ako sa katotohanang tama na. Di na dapat pinipilit ang wala na kahit last year pa dapat kami naghiwalay. Wala nang may  willing mag effort sa amin. Wala na ring willing mangausap. We weren’t strong enough...the both of us. Although I tried working it out, pero one day, he cheated on me. He slept with a person who likes him, while flirting with another girl. Pinilit kong intindihin pero wala na talaga eh. Haha. We ended in good terms because hindi ko idedeny na isa siya sa mga dahilan kung bakit andito pa rin ako today. He has such a good heart and I hope one day, he finally finds the answers he’s been looking for since he lost his parents.

Kasabay ng breakup namin ni Lawrence, nanalo ako sa student council...again. Masaya, syempre. Because bagong mukha ang mga nakikita ko. At hindi ko inaasahang magiging ganun ang takbo ng eleksyon. From #1 last year, I became #3. Pero it was fine. Natuto akong tumayo sa sarili kong mga paa habang nagtuturo sa iba. For the first time, I felt the burden sa  eleksyon. Hahaha. I had to train my slatemates while training myself at the same time. Isama mo pa yung acads, yung problema sa jowa, yung anxiety at yung lagi akong nagkakasakit physically. I was almost diagnosed with pneumonia that semester. I met people who broke my heart. I met people who healed it. The early part of 2018 was such a roller coaster ride. Pero I knew and I was certain that this year.... I am going to change. And I was right.

August. I resigned in my position sa student council. Napakabigat na desisyon, pero I had to do it for the greater good. I realized na maybe this sem should be a sem full of pahinga. Full of recovery. Dahil alam ko sa sarili kong kapag tinuloy tuloy ko pa, baka mawala na naman ako sa sarili ko. Baka maulit yung nakaraang taon. Dito ko naramdamang I should be mature enough to recognize my mistakes and be able to get back up without Kassi, Lawrence, or Niko.I went back to zero. Literally zero. I was lost, but this time, I knew where to start. I started with the question “What would Hannah do?” and bam. The only answer that I got was “She listens to her heart.” and there. I looked back to the things that I loved doing...na ang tagal ko nang hindi ginagawa dahil sa depression ko. I was ready to embrace them again. Siguro kaya malungkot ang mundo dahil tinatalikuran natin ang mga bagay na mahal natin para sa conformity. And that moment, I bent that rule. Because I wanted my heart to be completely happy. I got rid of my daily college routine. I went back to digital design, drawing, typography, photography and performing arts. I shared my passion to the world. I taught kids how to do public speaking, I created my portfolio, and I became open to freelance work.

On the same month, I met Spiro. No words. Just pure love. Our relationship for three months gave me strength and courage to be mature not only for the both of us, but for my life as a whole. He’s the best work of art I have ever seen and I don’t think anyone can ever measure the love and happiness I felt the moment I first knew that someone like him exists. Love. Just love. Always.

My birthday was simple lang this year. Tahimik. Pero masaya. I was with Spiro in the morning, I ate my favorite Spaghetti with Papa and Ate in the afternoon, and did some paperworks lang in the night. It was simple, but it was very meaningful.

After a few weeks, I decided to stop my freelance work and settle for a corporate job. I applied in several famous brands as Graphic Designer, and I was called for several interviews, but did not pursue them because 1) lagi kaming late nagigising ni Spiro (hahaha) and 2) one of my mantras is: if the universe gave you a sign, that’s it. Pursue it. And after how many days of indecisiveness, an online bag brand contacted me for an interview in BGC. I remember I was too lazy to go, since wala kaming tulog ni Spiro (haha) pero naging sign siguro yung pinipilit ako ng Papa ko sumama sa kanya sa Makati, so I decided to give it a try. And a few days after, I was called for a final interview. I still remember the feeling. Yung ang saya saya na bigla akong nagka breakdown sa CR. Nakakahiya. Hahahahahaha. Kasi alam mo yon. I was so close to death last year, at kung ginawa ko yon, hindi ko mamimeet si Spiro. Hindi ko makukuha ang trabahong to. Hindi ako matututong magpatawad, magsurrender at mag let go. Hindi ko marerealize na ang sarap pala mabuhay kahit systemic ang probolema ng mundo (charararat). At higit sa lahat, hindi ko matututunang sumubok ulit. Grabe ka, Hannah Ty. Dami mong pinagdaanan. Charz.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko pa rin alam ginagawa ko. Hahahaha. Ngayong December, fucked up person pa rin ako at hindi ko itatanggi yan. Hahahahaha. May masakit pa rin somewhere deep inside me. Andyan pa rin ang fears ko. Nandyan pa rin yung confusion minsan. Andyan pa rin yung uncertainty sa future ko. Marami pang kailangang harapin, pero ang layo na ng narating natin, self. The simple fact na you were able to get out of your room on the day na you were supposed to kill yourself, that’s a big step for you na. Look where it brought you. To recovery. To Spiro’s arms. To Fetch Bella.

If there’s one thing that I could tell everybody, that is sometimes, we have to listen to what our heart speaks when all else fails to do so. Maski sa simpleng desisyon na “I don’t feel like doing it pa.” Then don’t. Do not torture yourself too much. If your heart wants to rest, rest. Pero don’t let it stay that way. Get up when you’re ready. Decide when you’re all good. Reach out when you’re finally ready to speak. Sometimes, we don’t have to decide impulsively. Sometimes, it’s okay to not know yourself yet. You will be fine. You will be okay. That’s for sure.

Now these are the memories I had for this year. Believe me, I tried my best to save the pictures and not cry. Hahahahahaha. At so far, wala pa namang luhang tumutulo. Lol.

To everyone na nasa photos, mahal ko kayo. Sobra. You have my admiration, always.Thanks for letting me be part of your 2018, and please remember that you made my year so memorable. I am always grateful for all of you.

Self, this is it. You’re getting older na... and getting more emotional. Hahahahaha. Buhay single ka na naman puta ka. Char. Hahahaha. I love you! Always and always and always and forever! You are so loved! Here’s to more kakulitan with you!

[jeneneii]

;

Ayaw ko nang pansamantala

I dont want temporary

I want to disappear appear one half one port disapper appear

Tulalay, ang gastos ko rin ihhh

Swim swim na san ako kukuha ng pera hahah tulalay talaga ako buti na lang pinautas ako ng kapatid ko hahaha naawa ata sakin hahah di na ko aasa

Theres so many things that bother my mind till my brain can think and stock to the blank sounds air.

Pang yaw ko na mag aral ha,

San ako kukuha ng pera pang swim swim?

San ako kukuha ng pera pang tuition?

San ako kukuha ng pera baon araw araw?

San ako kukuha ng pera gamit sa school?

Sab ako kukuha ng pera for my needs?

Di na nga ko kumakain ehh

Nagpapapayat na nga ako ihh

Nakakatanggaaaa😔

Nakakapagod?

Meron pa akong period tas swim swim ako noh hahaha galing galing naman

GIRLS ONY, Boys are not allowed

Daming problema bakit pera pa,

Gusto ko na mag work pero parang ayaw talaga sakin ng work pano yan?

Try ko kaya, masyado kasi ako mahiyain ehh work with your self gurl work work work awwww

Gusto ko rin sana mag working student pero parang di ko ata kaya 😢

Gusto maging YOUTUBER but how? That the only idea i think to get a large amount of salary but still i need to give my audience a good, quality and entertainment videos. Kasi parang ayaw kasi sakin ng work na pang service crew or for convenient stores so, i think youtube can help me but i need to have lots of subscribers that is not easy to get so i will be responsible for that pero di rin ako marunong mag edit, dont you worry it can be learn and nandyan naman si goggle hahaha. Sana... sana... sanaaaa.....

Dami talagang gumuguli sa isipan ko

Dami kong naiisip.

YouTube

Tuition

content

Swimming

Grades

Food

My face

My body

My skill

My self

School ( kahit wala pang pasok haha)

My future

I cannnt stooooppp

Watch movies hahahah

Yunnn nga may mga bagay ako na gustong gustobg gawin at ginagawa ko naman hanggat kaya ko at nagpapasaya sakin pero yung iba kasi parang ayaw sakin di ko sya magawa ewan pero parang di para sakin or may pumipigil sakin. I want to be happy

I want to do what i want freely💓

Possibilities.

Once i close my eye theres a lot going on in my mind.

I feel loved. Im full of love. I love this feeling loved. I hope it last forever.

Natuloy din sa wakas

Staycation.💖

Muntik na kasi wala akong pera pero buti na lang hayst

Nabudolbudol kami sa pa swimming kaloka

Maganda yung place di ko akalain na makakapag staycation ako sa building na yun sa grass residence

Nikakabahan pa ako sa una kasi mawawalay ako sa family ko char hahah

First time ko mag overnight nikakabahan ako.

I love you girls talaga

Kahit na yung “babawi”? Hahah

Kahit na yung “adaptor” hahah

Ang saya lang na nakasama ko kayo 24hours.

Kahit siglit lang yun naramdaman ko kayo

Naramdaman nyo rin sana ako

I feel that all of you never change.

I like it. I like that this simple moment or bondding with us make a deep and meaningful of love memoriesss. I will bring it to my deepest memories too.

Parang ang bilis nga lang ehhh

Yung tipong muntik na tayo di makakain

Ang bilis lang talaga ng oras i want more pa

Inuman. One soju lang naman

City view.

Kwentuhan.

Picturan.

Swim swim.

Ang dami ko pang gusto.

I hate biyahe talaga hahaha icant

Ang taba ko.

One in a life time lang talaga

Kailan kaya ulit. Sana talaga di kayo magbago. Pls.

Pano na?

Ano na?

Back to reality na janine

Back to the problem

Back to messy thoughts

Uyyyy na naginip ako my first kiss hahah.

First kiss na nga lang sa panaginip pa.

Ahhhh

Ahhh

Ahh

Ah

😑

I can do all things with jesus christ

I can do it.

I can.

I will.....

I will be.....

Take a second.

Why you dont wait for me

Ressons why i tweet

1. Happy

2. Loved

3. Maychika/mayhanash

4. Sad

5. Tr3gger

Sana totoooooooooooo

[sa21-group5-bonggangbono]

Choices

written by Kayla Atienza

For this semester’s NSTP, I was shocked that instead of regular NSTP, we had labor trials or JEEP. My labor trials experience took place in Shopwise Commonwealth, wherein I became 3 things, a baker, a customer service worker and a bagger. All those instances entailed different experiences, each unique based on what I did and the location I did it. Location was important because it determined customer interaction and workplace interaction. For this journal entry, I will be reliving my experiences with the three different people whom I learned and worked with throughout my JEEP experience. No real names will be used.

I. Bakery The bakery was my first job throughout the entire experience. Understandably, I was scared because it was one, my first time to make bread and two, this was my first job ever. I was paired with Sean, my blockmate, who turned out to be really good at the job. As we stepped inside the bakery, the staff immediately welcomed us. From Kuya A, the head baker who constantly asked us about computer tips and Kuya R who toured me around the bakery, Kuya X was the one who left me thinking until the end. He was only twenty and already working at the bakery. This job was going to be permanent, as his colleagues were teasing him about his ‘palibre’. He said something that made me reflect on my situation, and this was that he wanted to continue studying, but couldn’t. I did not want to ask why, because i was shy. But, I assume it was because he had to work to support for his family instead.  It is common to hear stories like this, but this was one of first times I met somebody who was almost the same age as me, not be able to study. Personally, I think that education is very important, something everyone must value. I think this is why meeting him affected me in some way, because I was not aware of the realities being authentically real with people we deal with everyday. Kuya X made me aware of these realities because I saw it with my own eyes. Nevertheless, he was still incredibly happy, light-hearted and an optimistic person.

II. Customer Service Ate M was very nice, and prepared. She knew how to handle both me and my partner Jianine. For the customer service or CS, we had a relatively simple job, as we were not allowed to do any computer related tasks. We wrote raffle ticket stubs and made invoice receipts. Asides from that, we spoke into the PA system. While waiting for customers, Ate M would talk to us about our lives and vice versa. She was asking simple things, like our school, family and friends. When I explained to her how nervous I was in speaking in Tagalog for the PA, she said it was so obvious we came from Ateneo because we all speak Tagalog a certain way and tone. Ate M made the workplace less nerve wracking. She was very approachable, and made me feel welcomed to work with her. One thing i learned from Ate M was how patient she was with her job, especially with many customers asking similar questions and cashiers asking for managers. It seemed very cyclical in a mentally draining way.

III. Baggage The baggage counter was different from the previous tasks I had done. This was because they threw us in the counters, and told us to bag. I wasn’t sure about the arrangements of bagging, but I went with it. I never got to know the cashier’s name, as he was frantically running from cashier to CS for managers. So, my experience from bagging mostly came from the customers who saw me. Jianine, my partner for the week, and I got several comments about how we don’t fit in the supermarket, and how we were obviously there on immersion. One customer even said “Di kayo bagay dito. Ateneo? Dapat sa Manila Peninsula kayo nag-immersion.” These people don’t mean any harm, as this could just be their habitus. But I think one thing I learned was how people from the outside can perceive me just by my school and appearance. The habitus of some customers became evident in this situation. Pierre Bourdieu’s concept of habitus states the way group culture and personal history shape oneself. Some customers may think that I fit their expected habitus of what it means to be Atenean. Asides from that, they already have their own implications about being Atenean- hence stating that we did not fit in. However they thing Ateneans are, I fit right in to their habitus.

Alejo says that on the surface of the water, islands seem to be separated, but underwater, they are all connected. My Shopwise Commonwealth experience helped me understand this. By immersing myself with different people with different backgrounds from me, I am able to understand not only them but also myself. As obnoxious as it sounds, I understand that in the future, I am one that has the power to make a difference. This proves to be true along with the habitus of those who see me. But, to learn more about the world and its people, we must go out of our comfort zones to have true and meaningful communication with people. While having these conversations, we must listen intently to people’s stories, truths and lives. As we are interconnected like islands, we must be dependent on each other. I understand that the purpose of having immersive exposures like JEEP are supposed to help us understand other people’s situations, but I also realized that in a way, the people to whom we are reaching out to are the ones teaching us the more valuable lessons in life. They are letting us become more aware of the ‘realities’ of the world, and in a way, letting us use this information in whatever way we may desire. Because of the social structure, some people are privileged with having a voice. This voice is a powerful tool that can help others. With this voice, one can take another’s truth, and use it to help others.  It is our choice as to what we can do with this information.

After going through labor trials, I understand how we are all connected. We are all connected like islands- because we are all people. In Shopwise, workers have mechanical jobs, close to robots. Everyday, the same task, same people. We have to realize that behind the counter, there are real people as well. Being put into their shoes, I felt the same way. Seeing how other customers treated them was saddening. But we must always remember that we are all equal, and no one is better than the other. As people of the world, we all have our own duties to do good by it and its people. If we are able to reach out to one person and help make the world better for them, we should. Regardless of our social status, we must all be able to realize that we are all people for other people, and that we are all interconnected with each other.

Alejo, A. (1990).  In Press. Ang Loob ng Tao. Social Transformations: Journal of the Global South.

Swartz, D. (2002). The Sociology of Habit: The Perspective of Pierre Bourdieu. The Occupational Therapy Journal of Research. 61-69