#kayde is confused and enraged by pokédex entries

[gingerlee-holds]

Kayde Screams at Pokémon: Sableye

to clarify, this is a follow-up to this post. i chose this first Pokémon because of a certain @/pokemon-cards-hourly, and i may use them to make more

also prepare to see me cuss like a sailor- i don't usually add that warning but this time i think its warranted

Sableye!! this lil bastard!! #0302 in the 'dex

i browsed the Pokédex and these are the facts i gleamed-

they live in caverns, lead quiet lives, they're feared for supposedly stealing spirits, they're seen only rarely, and they lurk in darkness

they eat rocks and gems, the substances from eaten rocks crystallize on its body, its gemstone diet transforms its eyes into gemstones, and its favorite food is Carbink (another Pokémon)

they dig through the ground with their sharp claws, their eyes sparkle in darkness, they feed on gemstone crystals, and they have hard claws and thick pointy teeth

during their mega evolution, the crystal on their torso grows and becomes a gigantic shield, but that limits movement

and now, screaming time

firstly, the reason organic organisms consume food is to gain nutrients, such as carbohydrates, fats, or proteins. rocks and crystals (rocks are just a conglomerate of crystals) do not contain any such nutrients. additionally, the digestion of such minerals would be extraordinarily challenging for any biological organism.

secondly, it keeps saying that the eyes have transformed into gemstones due to its diet. what the fuck does that mean??? the eye is comprised of delicate tissues, like the retina, cornea, and all of the photoreceptors in the back of the eye, all of these work together to give the brain a clear vision, and they're super finicky, as evident by the fact that there are so many fucking vision problems. it clearly states that the eye transforms into the gemstone because of the diet, similar to a flamingo's feathers turning pink from their shrimp diet. but but that would be turning a complex, very finicky organic eye into an inorganic one through some process??? that isn't possible, especially not with enough precision to craft such finely-cut diamond-looking eyes as we see in the picture.

thirdly, the Pokédex thinks its important to repeat over and over the supposed fact that Sableye can steal people's spirits- i can ramble on and on about this specifically, but ill keep it short. if you're making an entry in a scientific database, keep the folklore out of it unless you can prove it! literally just include one "but there is ongoing studies seeking to test this claim" and ill let it slide, but no! don't put that nonsense next to its habitat and diet! its ridiculous!! this isn't to say i don't believe in spirits in the Pokémon world because i know those exist, (also in the real world), but if you're going to put it into the Pokédex, don't leave room for wiggle room- either it steals spirits or it doesn't. clarify that! in your friggin'!!! scientific database!!!!!!!

fourthly when something is digested, it is broken down, and the pokedex leads me to believe that in the sableye, the gems appear on the outside of the creature whole??? what, is it teleported??? how could inorganic matter crystallize on the surface of a creature? and what purpose does that even serve? wouldn't that be wasting the materials it apparently worked so hard to find so it could eat?

fifthly, and this is kind of a gripe about Pokémon in general, its use of the term 'evolution' has poisoned it forever. like, the amount of creationists i've spoken to who go "but a cat cant give birth to a dog" is unbelievable- evolution occurs in populations over time, and instead, in Pokémon, it happens in one creature in a matter of moments. a-fucking-huh???? some of these are more believable, like the metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly, but mega evolutions are too fucking weird!!! there's no goddamn way a creature could just- become as large as a building in a matter of seconds, and the fact that the gems grow in size too despite being inorganic?? how is that- hhhh????

alright im finished heehee- im thinking about creating a pokemon OC named Professor Maple (because that's one of my names and it fits the tree name thing for professors) who just. screams at the pokedex lmao

cuz, and this will become evident in other entries in this series, the pokedex will just say shit!! and not think about the ramifications!! grgrgrgrgr!!!

if anyone calls me a nerd or a dork, i stg- it'd make me feel nice but a hug would as well-

[gingerlee-holds]

Pokerants: Teddiursa

idk i find this fun, i like talking about how animals in pokemon relate to animals in the real world- if you're not interested in this series, thats fine i like what im doing and i hope i can teach you guys some stuff

Teddiursa! this little cutie!! #0216

i browsed the Pokédex and these are the facts i gleamed-

they always lick their paws, which are often soaked with honey, they have a habit of hoarding food in hidden locations before winter, their palms taste sweet due to their constant contact with honey, and each set of paws has their own taste due to its absorption of honey

their crescent mark glows when it finds honey, it concocts its own honey by blending fruits and pollen collected by a beedrill, they follow combees to their hive and steal their honey

they lick their paws when theyre nervous, which makes them smile again

and now, screaming time

firstly, the crescent mark glows. how? how does it glow. does it have little LEDs in its head? does it utilize glowing bacteria in its skull? how does it glow huh? furthermore, bioluminescence is utilized to 1) attract prey like with anglerfish, 2) communicate information like with fireflies, or 3) to camouflage itself from predators, like with marine hatchetfish. notice how all of those uses are advantageous in getting food, finding a mate, and avoiding being eaten. that's like the three main things natural selection and life as we know it cares about. what function, really, does its crescent moon lighting up have? when it finds food, it glows? how is that a useful trait, especially since bioluminescence is such a cool trait to have, why is it wasted on "oo i found food glow time"

secondly, it states that the paws absorb the honey. huh? no, thats what the body avoids like hell. the layers of the skin push outward as more skin grows underneath to replace it, there's nothing in the skin that pulls things in. the honey can carry bacteria and viruses and fungi, why would the body allow the honey to be absorbed into the skin. paws are not supposed to absorb things. also,,, i want to know which scientist was going around tasting Teddirusa paws to be able to say they each taste unique cuz they need to be questioned.

thirdly, it can make its own honey. uh!!! how fascinating!!! how!!!! sincerely, how do the pokedex authors think honey is made??? because last i checked, the recipe for honey isnt just fruit + pollen = honey. if it were that easy, we would be making it ourselves and would have no need for apiaries. the production of honey is extremely convoluted, it requires enzymes that only bees can produce,,, actually yknow what? here, lemme tell you how honey is made. first, bees suck in nectar from flowers through their proboscis, its stored in their "honey stomach," enzymes in the stomach begin to break down the nectar into simple sugars, then the bees pass the nectar mouth-to-mouth through the colony to further break down the nectar into sugars and reduce the water content, then it's stored in the honeycomb, where the fanning of the bees' wings evaporate the rest of the water, and then once its finished, they seal it in wax so it can be stored indefinitely. notice something about that: bears cant do that shit.

fourthly, yeah some animals really do store their food over the winter, like squirrels and birds, its called hoarding! they don't have a lot of body fat, so they need to be able to keep their stores high so that they survive when there's not a lot of food freely available. yeah,,, bears aren't one of those creatures! (sidenote, pokemon namers are literally the laziest motherfuckers- Teddiursa- Teddy as in teddy bear, and Ursa from the Latin word for 'bear' like cmon) yes, some bears have been known to hide carcasses for later, like in rivers and things, but this isn't for the winter, this happens in the other seasons! during hibernation, bears rely on their body fat stores to keep them healthy, and this has worked for millions of years!!! they fatten up in autumn, then hibernate in winter, they don't hoard food!!

and fifthly, yes, some animals do indeed have stress-relieving behaviors, the way the "eating honey to smile again" is described makes it sound extraordinarily anthropomorphic, which is to say, ascribing humanlike qualities to nonhuman things. it sounds far, far more like something a child would do, and not something a bear would do. yes that's very cute and an adorable addition, but it ISNT REALISTIC (i know thats the point im just having fun here leave me alone)

anyways yes im having fun with these, i love pokemon so much and i love screaming whenever the pokedex says some jk rowling ass random shit for no reason

[gingerlee-holds]

Pokerants: Gorebyss

im using a random pokemon generator, i think i might stick with that moving forward. i had a little trouble getting to five problems about them but i got there in the end! just had to do a bit of stretching but my physical therapist says thats healthy. anyways uhhhh i love you guys

today is Gorebyss, this fella! #0368

this is what i gleamed from the 'dex:

they live in the southern seas at extreme depths, their body withstands enormous water pressure, and they're unharmed by ordinary attacks due to its body structure

they insert their thin mouth into prey to drain the bodily fluids, they feed on seaweed between rocks, and their body color becomes vivid after feeding

they have a light pink body color, which becomes more vivid in springtime or with rising water temperatures, and in Alola, it's almost blindingly vivid

its leftover prey meat sinks to the seafloor to become food for other pokemon

and now, screaming time

firstly, the Dex states that because its body can resist high water pressure, it can resist a lot of attacks. this is friggin ludicrous, genuinely- deep-sea creatures are not plated in heavy armor, thats not how that works at all!! look at the blobfish!! if you tried to stab that thing, it would die hilariously quickly, especially if above water! deep-sea fish have flexible bodies and soft tissues, which is to say, they gotta be squishy!! the bottom of the deepest trench on earth, the Mariana Trench, has over 1000 bars of pressure, which is like 100 african elephants balancing on your head. the one thing you dont wanna be down in the deepest parts of the ocean is rigid, because you'll get crushed like a soda can - you gotta be squishy, so that when youre crushed by the pressure, you can continue living.

also,,, quick sidenote, why do Gorebyss have seashell bras? look at the picture again, why does the Gorebyss have two seashells on its thorax??? do they have fucking boobies under there?????

secondly, it sucks the body fluids out of its prey like a spider or an insect. a wha? a wha??? it sucks??? this is a good opportunity to tell you about the types of feeding habits fish in the real world can display! 1, there are the surface feeders, which eat food off of the surface of the water - these are the bettas and guppies and such. 2, there's the bottom feeders, which eat leftover debris, like catfish. 3, the herbivorous fish that eat plants (algae aren't plants, they're protists which is the catch-all category for the creatures that are too weird for taxonomists to deal with), these are fish like Crossocheilus oblongus. 4, there's the weirdos who eat algae, like Bristlenose Pleco, aka, those fuckers they keep in the aquariums who suck on the walls lmao. and 5, there are the hunters, like tetras and barbs. "sucking the bodily fluids out" like a goddamn mosquito is not one of those five!!

thirdly, the Gorebyss vividly changes color in warmer water, like one of those hot wheels cars. alright. fish changing color is something that happens in the real world, but its uncommon and usually a result of other factors, not just temperature. for instance, cuttlefish (while not being fish) change color to camouflage into their surroundings using cells called chromatophores. cuttlefish are cephalopods though so a flounder's coloration might be a better example. some fish use bright colors to attract mates, or warn predators away (like lionfish! poison dart frogs also do this, its called aposematic coloration!). a creature becoming brighter in warmer waters is more characteristic of some types of shrimp, but even then its not a vivid change like the pokedex describes

fourthly, the pokedex states in the beginning that the Gorebyss feeds by sucking the body fluids out of prey, (which may be why its name is a combination of 'Gore' and 'Abyss' ooo very dark very edgy) but then later on it states that it uses its long tubular mouth to feed on seaweed between rocks. which is it, pokemon, because those are two very different things! in nature, function always comes before form, which is to say, an animal's natural appearance is only ever because it serves a role. a mouth adapted to sucking bodily fluids (pokemon are cowards and can't say the word 'blood') and a mouth adapted to eating seaweed are very different! for instance, take a look at that picture of the Gorebyss again, look at its mouth, then close your eyes and picture Dory from Finding Nemo. pretty different, right? dory is a pacific blue tang, and blue tangs get most of their food from eating seaweed in coral reefs. those two mouths, Dory and the Gorebyss, couldn't be more dissimilar!

and fifthly, the specific detail that, when the Gorebyss finished slurpin up the juices from their prey, the carcass just falls to the seafloor to be eaten by other pokemon is a bit simplistic, i would have liked to have gotten more specific details on what happens next. yes this is pretty nitpicky but i wanted to get it up to five so leave me alone. once a marine organism dies, the scavengers (we call em detritivores in the business) get to it first: these are crabs, starfish, and the aforementioned bottomfeeders! then, it begins to decompose thanks to algae and bacteria. the food web, especially the ocean floor food web (which is overlooked too much) deserves to be recognized for its vast complexity! tell me about the bottomfeeders goddammit!!!!

[gingerlee-holds]

Pokerants

Gen 2:

Teddiursa (#0216)

Gen 3:

Sableye (#0302)

Gorebyss (#0368)