#kaiya carries so much so so much and she doesn't know how to let it go

[tvrningout-a]

I’M EMOTIONAL bc after what peach wrote, it’s making me realize!! that if people around kaiya went, “ it’s alright if you can’t accept yourself now, ” vs. getting noticeably upset or pitying her, she’d be more likely to be open with them. but i think most people around kaiya don’t bc they want to take care of her, they want her to be happy, so they get sad and sometimes try to change her mind then and there. she just has that kind of personality -- she’s so gentle and soft that most people get up in arms when she’s hurting ( i know sei and chinatsu certainly do ). but that isn’t what she needs.

kaiya has a negative perception of herself already, and causing others to worry only makes it worse, so getting upset when it comes out how she thinks of herself? it doesn’t help or make her think differently. it just kind of reaffirms that she’s someone who causes trouble and pain for others, and she’ll just think that she doesn’t deserve someone caring that much in the first place. instead, kaiya needs someone to simply accept her feelings. you can tell her she’s wrong bc she is, but it’s all about delivery!! something like, “ your mistakes don’t define you, and one day you’ll see that. ” 

you can comfort kaiya, but how much it truly helps depends on how you do it. the more positive you are, the more accepting, the better :’ )

[seacreek]

I don't want to write anything where irl friends would see (no one is gonna see this here anyway) but I need to get this out of me.

Liiiikeeeee

I was (am?) literally the most suicidal I've ever been in my life today (is today over if it's 2 am?) and not only can I tell that to NO ONE, but it's like God was fucking rubbing it my face all day. I actually laughed at one point bc I was driving behind someone thinking of whether I should try to do it at home or somewhere else when I noticed their license plate said KYS and then a mashup of my birthday numbers.

But like I've already been feeling this building bc I'm behind on bills and have no heat and it's gonna snow soon and it's the holidays which remind me that my family is all spread out and I don't really talk to my parents anymore and somedays I talk to no one at all but my cat and my life is going NOWHERE with no way to change that but to work myself even harder when I don't even feel like I have anything at all to give anymore.

And I already felt like calling out bc even though I chose to work Thanksgiving yesterday knowing I'd be the only one there, it was still depressing to know that normal people are with friends and family and I'm not. But I also didn't want to take up my neighbors/friends on their offers to join them bc I did that last year and got all the questions about what I was doing with my life and at the time I actually believed I'd be going back to school the next year but now I realize how I can't possibly afford that without accepting help from someone which would BE my neighbors bc my parents would not help and I can't pay for it alone. And I can't accept help from them bc I feel like I would just get overwhelmed and depressed and flunk out and waste their money anyway. And the other reason I couldn't go over there/can't is bc I already feel like such a burden to them. They do all this nice stuff for me all the time and I catch myself even EXPECTING it at times which is fucking disgusting. Even if I'm grateful and say thank you, it's not like they owe me anything just bc I have no one else to give it to me. So I need to stop accepting their help and gifts, but then I know they are judging me for that bc even though their really nice, they are also super judgmental and they really like me bc they think I have "potential", but if they knew that I'm actually just a natural born idiot and failure, they'd never want to talk to me in the first place. And also it's unhealthy probably how much I rely on their validation bc since I've known them since I was little, I'm almost using them as surrogate parents which is also fucked up bc they are not my parents, they have their own kids who actually have their lives together unlike me who is just like a pet project of theirs.

Soooo anyway I already had all this on my mind and more going into work today and when I get there, I look at the schedule and realize everyone called out but me!!!!

And so I had to make a frankenstein schedule out of all of theirs to prioritize what needed to get done and was still trying to do little favors for people in between that I didn't want to disappoint bc it wasn't their fault that their staff wasn't there to do it with them and it was getting super overwhelming. And then I'm super sensitive so when I'd have to tell someone that I COULDN'T do something extra for them that they really were looking forward to, it was already punching me in the gut to see their disappointment. But then the worst part is that they don't fully get that I'm not just choosing to do that out of spite, but I legitimately had negative amounts of time to get everything done so they would blame me for what I couldn't do for them. EVEN THOUGH I WAS WORKING LIKE 4 SCHEDULES IN 1. Like they don't have the capacity to think past what's in front of them sometimes which I understand it's not their fault, but it SUCKS bc then they are pissed at me even though I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to do everything for everyone and keep them all happy and they should really be annoyed with my coworkers who didn't come in but I didn't even throw them under the bus bc it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm the person in front of them who is "refusing to do what they ask" so it's my fault.

So that's how my day is going everywhere I go as I rush from person to person and place to place, answering calls, improvising on the spot, and constantly having to tell someone that whatever they had planned on today isn't possible and dealing with the result of that. And the WHOLE TIME I am DAYDREAMING about how I'm gonna kill myself when I get home. Maybe slit my wrists, wait no my leg because I know I'll chicken out on the wrists, wait no, I'll drive out to the ocean and just swim out until I'm drowning too far out to save myself, wait no, what bridges could I jump from let me google that, wait no, I could take all of the pills at home together but then I might throw them up so wait no, maybe I'll drag this out and just not eat or drink til I just die nah that takes too long etc etc etc. And I'm really thinking this is gonna happen tonight bc I already wrote a letter monday or tuesday and I'm sure they'll find that pretty fast when they look in my journals so I don't even have to worry about that part, just the doing. So I'm contemplating my end of life and getting more anxious and sad with every hour passing bc I'm really thinking this is it, this is the day I'm out. But really I keep getting caught up bc my CAT who is sadly the one being on earth that I love who could never understand, is at home. And I'm thinking about how if I kill myself while she's there and it takes time for people to realize I'm missing/find me, she will be sad/hungry/thirsty in the meantime. Which is so unecessary and all of my suicide plans get scrapped if they involve direct trauma of another being and she's the one that means the most, so how could I be so selfish as to not make a plan for her?

So I'm thinking of how I have to sneak her to my sister's place while she's still at work and that's stressful enough but more so bc then I'll have a time limit on getting this done bc as soon as she comes home and sees kaiya there without me and no explanation, she'll start blowing up my phone and when I don't answer, she'll call someone. And I don't want to do that in a pressured state, I need time to process everything and think about life and what I'm doing. Plus, what if I decide not to??? (Which is what ended up happening for tonight anyway) I would've done all that for nothing and then had to confess when she found kaiya anyway and have to go to a psych ward or something which would just ruin my life faster but make it harder to get out.

So I'm thinking ALL this ALL day while working my ass off yet still disappointing everyone and swallowing tears that would turn into sobs every hour until it's time to go home.

Then I drive home and even though I pray to God to send me some sign that he cares, he doesn't.

At this point, I've already lost the fire under me so I know this is another night where I just get through it, cuddle kaiya, and wake up the next day to do it all over and I've accepted that in a way.

Then 1 am rolls around and my sister calls me to say she stopped by a party where she ran into my old best friend and friends from high school. None of whom cared enough about me to even ask what I was up to these days, even though they were talking to my SISTER. And that whole growing apart thing took such a toll on me mentally and I do feel like I'm over it now these days, but it still brought up these gross sad feelings of when I was first realizing that they didn't really care about me anymore and then fully understanding that I didn't matter to them. Which hurt SO MUCH bc they were a ride or die for me, like I would have done anything for them and I never even DOUBTED they didn't feel the same until it was so obvious I had to stop pretending around it. And that fucked with ALL of my relationships with people. Every single friend I had, I started pulling away from bc I was so insecure in myself that I felt like I had to get away from them before they had the chance to drop me which I now felt was inevitable. To this day, I feel like I have a body count of of people that I desperately want to talk to, but don't let myself bc I feel like they don't deserve to have to put up with a person as shitty and worthless as me. And I do that in every possible relationship I have, platonic, romantic, and even familial. And I can't blame them for that bc they were just a normal person growing apart from someone I guess, but I think it triggered something laying dormant in me so badly that it was actually the catalyst for my inability to connect with other people in meaningful ways. I never meet a new person anymore with the belief that they will be in my life for more than a few years at most. Most people I expect to be gone within a week or two. My walls are up so high that it's actually selfish that I even talk to people at all bc I only end up hurting them when I pull away for seemingly no reason at all. And I'm too much of a coward to tell them that there's nothing wrong with them, I just can't get that close to people anymore. Like it actually makes me physically sick to think of carrying on normal relationships with people which is SO fucked. But then I turn into the villain bc I'm worried that they'll develop the same fear of people and I'll be the cause of it. Like I'm a vampire. But I isolate myself and then get to a certain point where I think "I'll try again!! And this time will be different!! I'll really have someone new in my life!" And then I am super friendly and doing my best to be good and making plans and whatever. But then I start getting that sick feeling again, like what if what if they just haven't realized how much I suck and how disappointing I am yet, they'll definitely realize it soon and I come up with some random specific reason why they'd actually hate me if they knew "THIS" about me and I start detaching myself and then flake on plans and then disappear. And then spend weeks worrying myself sick that I permanently damaged their trust in people!!! But then I get lonely again and the pattern starts again!! All traced back to this moment in time where it actually hit me that people's affection for you can disappear in the blink of an eye no matter how much you thought they cared about you. So clearly love is conditional and just that thought alone is enough to make me want to end it all!!

So yea, just a shit day with shit cherries and cream on top.

And now it's 3am and I have to wake up in 5 hrs to do this again.

And all of this is still something no one will know if or until it comes spilling out and then my life will either be changed forever or over.

But yea, drew that lion the other day.

[moodforanime]

The possesions of the wild(Naruto fanfic)

This wasn't her first attempt in such thing, but it was, for sure, the first tims she made it this far. She puffed in annoyance as her footsteps increased on the wooden floor. Next to her, an boy with the most annoying temper she came across tried to keep up with her bold legs.

'Say again, what was your name?' He asked, trying to get rid of the black curls that blocked his eyesight.

'Kaiya.' she sighed.

She wasn't aquintanced to him for more than five minutes, but she was already tired of him.

'Hm, nice name.' He considered, just as he did for the past five times when he asked for her name. 'Well, here we are.'

They stopped in front of an pair of huge wooden doors that almost touched the high ceiling.

'Don't forget,' the boy warned, 'we're talking to the Hokage, and, since he's the leader of the village, you might want to show some respect.

'Excuse me-' She said indignated, but couldn't say anything more as the boy already knocked at the door.

Who was he to order her on how to act? She would've said a few words to him, but she had better things to do than to blindly argue. She looked ahead as she put her dark auburn hair behind her ears in an nervous manner, preparing her speech for the thousandth time that morning.

'Enter.' An deep voice said from behind the doors.

Here goes nothing, Kaiya thought, as the boy pushed the doors open. He entered, followed by an hesitant Kaiya. While the boy closed the doors, Kaiya analysed the room. It was an rather spacious, circular room with huge windows at it's other side and very few items located in it; a couple portraits on the walls and a desk at which sat an old man with and pipe in his mouth, clothed in the official clothes of an Kage.

'Hello, Akira. How may I help you?' The man greeted with an smile on his face.

'Good afternoon, Lord Hokage.' Akira spoke as he bowed, making Kaiya wonder if she should do the same. 'I came in to report.'

'Report? So early? Let's hear it, then.' The Hokage said, with an mix of suprise and worry; the report should've been done only in four hours.

'This girl, Kana-'

'Kaiya...' Kaiya corrected before blocking herself, frowning. She couldn't help it; she hated when people mispronounced her name, especially if she'd say it many times before.

'Right. She demanded to see you. Daichi and I tried to explain to her that you're a busy person but-'

'It's fine, Akira.' The Hokage turned to Kaiya. 'How can I help you?'

'I wish to settle down in Kono'a.' Kaiya spoke loud and as clear as she could, just as she repeated before.

'Settle down?' The Hokage raised his eyebrows in surprise. 'How comes?'

The Hokage looked at the girl. She was tall with an dark auburn hair, an tired pose, light scars here and there on her face and arms, casual clothes, a small, dirty, yellow purse tied just above her hips and a look that almost suggested that she took part in an pig fight.

The most eye-catching thing about her would've been the tachi sword she was carrying on her back. Much to his surprise, she didn't wear any forehead protector that might've helped him identify any affiliation. He didn't know if he should feel worried or curious about it.

Kaiya looked at the Hokage, locking her onyx gaze on his. She saw this coming, and she never looked forward to explaining. Taking what happened in the Mist Village, she preferred telling as little details as possible.

'It'z nothin' complicated.' She simply answered, very well aware of her mispronunciations. 'Itz only the fact dat I wan' to fin' a way to improove my life, and the best way I could think of was to affiliate wid an Hidden Village an' become an shinobi.'

The Hokage raised his eyebrows; he clearly didn't expect this answer.

'Ah. I don't hear that these days anymore.' He muttered to himself, before turning serious again. 'So, tell me again, your name was... Kaiya?' The Hokage asked, while puffing out some smoke.

'Yes, sir.' Kaiya confirmed.

'Only Kaiya?'

Kaiya clenched her fist, her knuckles making crack sounds, while her face twitching, an usual reaction for her when not pleased with something.

'I suppose.' Kaiya coldly answered through her teeth.

'But that's impossible! We all have an last name. There's no way you're an exception.' Akira butted in.

'Well, it looks like I am.' Kaiya clapped back, giving Akira an eyebrows-raised look, along with an gaze that overflowed with anger, something that surely shut the dark-haired boy off for the moment.

'I see.' The Hokage decisively said.

He couldn't disagree with Akira and he had to admit that the girl's refusal to answer made him curious, but all he could do was to try and find reasoning behind the girl's judgement.

'Well,' he continued, 'I honestly don't see why i should refuse you. Anyone who wills to fairly work in order to survive just like you do deserve an place in Konoha.'

'Lord Hokage!' Akira spat out.

There must be some truth in it, Akira thought, and the old man must be going senile.

'Don't worry, Akira.' The Hokage said, raising an hand. 'I'm not going senile, like some villagers say.'

Akira's jaw dropped and his eyes widening in utter shock, as the Hokage let an small smirk form on his face.

'Villageurs say that he'z seneel?' Kaiya asked in oblivion, forgetting about Akira for the moment.

'Yes, but it's all a bluff, I say.' Akira said, half-frozen in shame.

The Hokage let an chuckle escape his mouth. It was always fun to see people denying their gossip of him when in front of him. In truth, he could find some reasons to not let the girl stay, but her answers truly impressed him. She didn't let anything but her funny accent slip by, covering it with intelligent answers. If she only was able to drag the stone, then she might really be of use in Konoha, maybe even standing the chance of becoming part of the ANBU. There followed a few moments of silence, in which the Hokage arranged a few papers on his desk.

'Well,' The Hokage coughed as he put the last few papers away, 'if nobody has any more objections, I will take notice of a few important things.'

Kaiya's face remained still even though on the inside she glowed with joy, while Akira clenched his fists in annoyance.

'First of all, if you want to live in Konoha, you must be part of it.' The Hokage explained, now in an rather dead serious manner.

'I-I don't understand, sir.' Kaiya said.

'I don't expect you to do yet.' The Hokage puffed amused. 'You see, the ninja world is a very complex thing that doesn't base only on the training nor aptitudes you have for your missions. You'll meet people, not only fellow colleagues and teammates, but also friends for a lifetime, and you will, for sure, create different kind of bonds with them. Unlike other countries, here in Konoha, we have something that we call the Will of Fire.'

'The Will of- what?' Kaiya questioned, confused.

'The Will of Fire.' The Hokage smiled. 'It's an philosophy that was founded by one of Konoha's founders, Hashirama Senju. He became the First Hokage, and shared his Will of Fire with other people around the time of Konoha's foundation. Do you have any idea of what it might mean?'

This is part of the first chapter posted on Wattpad. For more, you can find it under the same title and cover, on my account, Averyloves2write.