#kaelpire

[filthy-darkweaver]

Interview with the Kael... pire??

Come meet Faltheriel's boss, King Kael'thas Sunstrider!

Dannox: *Holding cellphone, narrating wobbly camera footage* And... action!

Faltheriel: Kael'thas, you should say something.

Kael'thas: I thought this was a practice run? The real Daily Mail Orgrimmar crew doesn't come until tomorrow. *itches his nose* Right? Unless you're sending this to them. Which would be... cute, I guess. But also utterly stupid.

Faltheriel: Yes, correct, my king. It's all happening tomorrow, officially. But if we're going to practice, then you should rule the interview. Sort of, talk first and with authority. Run the show. Oh, and avoid scratching your um, your nose.

Dannox: No, it's good Faltheriel. It makes him look human.

Kael'thas: What!! Well I am definitely not scratcing my nose or anything close to a nose on my face--Ugh, those Alliance dogs! Faltheriel, you're supposed to be my chief advisor, why didn’t you warn me?

Faltheriel: I did try to just now, but I can't future-proof everything you do, Kael'thas.

Kael'thas: Aren't you a shadowpriest or something? Or didn't you used to be? *hairflips, inspects his perfect nails* So just go on and read my mind, then. Stop me from embarrassing myself. Wait, we need to cut to commercial or something. This nail got chipped while I was gesturing rather ferociously. And how did that even happen, Faltheriel! My nails are your job too.

Dannox: *snickers* Oh goddess, this is gold. Kael'thas is twice as pretentious as Rhonin, and ten times prissier than Haris Pilton, at least!

Faltheriel: Let's start over, Kael'thas. If we even can at this point.

Kael'thas: Why not? You've finished an excellent touch up job in record speed, Faltheriel. I daresay you've earned it. *blows on his nails to check if they're dry*

Dannox: *more shaky camera footage* So what color are your nails now, Kael'thas? I think that's a nice shade, different from before.

Kael'thas: A fel green. But they look black, don't they? I love the not-black shades. And Faltheriel, I guess I will apologize for snapping at you earlier. I'm nervous, if I'm honest. I mean, what do these Daily Orgrimmar people--

Faltheriel: Daily Mail Orgrimmar. It's a celebrity gossip news show.

Kael'thas: *dons an especially snotty look* What do they want? Why do we even care? By we, I mean me you know. What's my motivation? Am I being charming? Threatening? I guess I need to know whether I'm being Heroes of the Storm Kael'thas or sexy, trashy Tempest Keep Kael'thas.

Faltheriel: No, please don't--

Dannox: Tempest Keep Kael'thas was more sort of just being high and weird all the time.

Kael'thas: Well. I do suppose every artist goes through many phases. That time in my life was...

All at once: ... merely a setback.

Dannox: Yeah, we know.

Kael'thas: Oh! That's like my cool catchphrase. Should I say that at the interview? I could... oh, what do they call it? I could meme myself!

Dannox: No.

Faltheriel: That is not a good thing, Kael'thas.

Dannox: Though, you know what? I would describe Shadowlands Kael'thas as the one who was trashy. Even nasty. In those hot chains? Oh yes. Do that at the real interview tomorrow.

Faltheriel: No, Dannox! Stop, please don't encourage him. You're supposed to be helping me...

Kael'thas: Hold. He may be onto something. Don't tell Denathrius, but I still do have those chains. I mean, I could get them now. *he grins, then goes to change* Why don't I just strip to the waist and go ho myself up in some chains! This is actually fun.

Faltheriel: *seethes at Dannox alone in the royal office*

Dannox: *more narrator voice* What's wrong, baby? You mad at me? Awww, poor thing. Don't be mad.

Faltheriel: I pulled so very many strings to get my boss, the king of Quel'thalas, to do this major interview with a major Azeroth news outlet to improve his PR which is constantly tanking. But Dannox, you've somehow managed to convince Kael'thas to do it shirtless, scratching gods-know-what, and raging about the Alliance, while getting his nails done. This will be so hard to undo, to untangle in his fel magic-addled, twisted, narcissistic brain, Dannox!

Dannox: Well. I figured we might also put this up on your secret tik tok account you think nobody knows you have, except I totally do.

Faltheriel: ...

Dannox: I mean, I know you love your job with Kael'thas. But if you ever wanted to become a Warcraft content creator, this is like a week's worth of irascible comedy gold to launch your career. Kael'thas is seriously like the Kanye of Warcraft.

Faltheriel: ... ....

Dannox: Forget king and country, Faltheriel! Think of how Kael'thas brainwashed you to be a Sunfury! How he lied to and tormented thousands, corrupted his own people! How his mad antics drove you into the ranks of the Burning Legion itself. Aren't you owed the tiniest piece of the pie when it comes to him?

Faltheriel: ... .... ...

Dannox: Can you also not see how fun it would be to cut this up and add little flames and devils around the edges? Set it to your favorite kpop song, or several? I mean, this is dying to become a Kael'thas Boy With Hate meme at the least!

Faltheriel: ... Done.

[filthy-darkweaver]

Interview with the Kael... pire? 3

Next day in the royal office...

Kael'thas: *barges in on Faltheriel at his desk* Let's talk about BTS.

Faltheriel: *hides his phone, goes pale* Um yes... my liege?

Kael'thas: *furious eyes* Yes! I am your liege and you best not forget it. But more to the point... are they humans?

Faltheriel: Yes. BTS is an extremely popular and successful kpop band.

Kael'thas: *takes his own cell phone out of his long red sleeves, taps back over to tik tok* All of them? Are you certain? How is it possible for me to enjoy a human musical troupe?

Faltheriel: *can hear his Boy With Hate tik tok on Kael's phone, starts sweating*

Kael'thas: I don't like my visage being used without my royal decree, Faltheriel. *he continues swiping through tik tok* In my day, we merely pondered an orb. But this... this is quite ingenious! And as it turns out, hot pink is my new color. I want a new Bloodmage regalia made of the very same. Set it up.

Faltheriel: Ahhh... Umm...

Kael'thas: Now, listen closely for I will have my revenge. I want you to find the Alliance fool who did this, putting me in a human boy band without my permission. Then, sue them into the ground. After that, trademark this tik tok--

Faltheriel: I'm not certain it works that way, your majesty--

Kael'thas: *lifts a gloved red finger for silence* And finally, destroy them utterly with the ultimate coup d'etat--

Faltheriel: Oh no, my king. Please be merciful!

Kael'thas: Set up my own... tik tok. In its place. Take it over the way we took over the Exodar! And Tempest Keep. The children of the blood will claim this tik tok for their own!

Faltheriel: You know, we keep having PR problems in the Horde, and across Azeroth really, because you're still willing to mention that, my king.

Kael'thas: Yes, another victory for the sin'dorei. This will suit our royal purpose perfectly.

Faltheriel: *blinks slowly, seeing his career and his life flash before his eyes* Y-yes, King Kael'thas.

Kael'thas: But don't go calling it King Kael'thas, find something far more clever. You're more than capable, are you not? You'll see to it by the end of today, won't you? *strolls out of the royal office*

Faltheriel: Thank goodness I survived that, thank the sun and all the gods and spirits--wait. What... the fel am I gonna call Kael'thas Sunstrider's tik tok?!

[filthy-darkweaver]

Interview with the Kael... pire? 2

King Kael'thas in bed last night...

Kael'thas: *sleepily swipes through tik tok and searches for his own name obvs bc HE would*

Kael'thas: *sees himself cropped into a BTS music video in a fly hot pink blazer, dancing*

Kael'thas: "This is private footage, this was done inside my royal quarters with my trusted Chief Advisor Faltheriel Darkweaver. I am your liege!! How did it-- how is it on the internet?!"

Kael'thas: *turns his phone sideways, taps volume on* "Okay, this is lit."

[filthy-darkweaver]

Interview with the Kael... pire? 4

The conclusion. It's... it's all over the place.

Faltheriel: *whispers over the phone in the royal office while he can see Kael'thas out in the hallway dancing to his own Boy With Hate tik tok that Faltheriel secretly made* The door is closed now. But I can still see him through the stupid, fancy window thing he had installed... I dunno what it is? It's a weird enchanted mage window where he can see me working. Help!!

Rachel: *a beautiful, dark-skinned Human woman lounging at home on the couch with a newspaper, beside Night Elf Dannox* Oh, that's horrible. Faltheriel honey, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this at work.

Dannox: Did Filthy tell you it was all my idea? This is so sweeeeet that it's actually happening!

Rachel: A scheme to rival Kael's own fel-addicted, hair-brained ideas? I'd gathered that.

Faltheriel: Shut up, Dannox.

Rachel: *nudges Dannox with her foot, but he tries to tickle it*

Faltheriel: Please, Rach! Kael'thas wants me to come up with a new tik tok handle for him by the end of today! And he doesn't actually know I'm going to re-name my own tik tok because he still doesn't know I'm the one really behind this. I've been trying to come up with something perfect all day, but I'm just... I'm freaking out here, I can't! And, I could lose everything if I screw this up!

Rachel: So. In my experience as someone who writes for various Horde and Alliance newspapers under a monniker... What to call Kael'thas Sunstrider on tik tok? Hrmmm...

Dannox: Something from his past? Like phoenix... something.

Faltheriel: *harsh whisper* What is Dannox actually doing right now? He's not helping! Tell our useless trophy husband to go play outside while the adults work.

Rachel: He's tickling my feet, actually. Now it's turned into a massage. Mrmmm...

Faltheriel: Stop seducing our wife while I'm at work!

Dannox: Oh. So today can't be like every other day of our lives because...?

Rachel: Filthy means it, cut it out. He's really worried. And let me think. Hrmmm.

Faltheriel: He's vain. He probably wants it to sound like it's really him, but he wants to seem trendy, like it's not him?

Rachel: I'm afraid because I think I do understand where he's coming from. You know, Kael'thas really is highly intelligent. If the Convocation of Silvermoon had survived, he'd be surrounded by advisors and PR professionals. We'd never know about his more annoying traits.

Faltheriel: I think about that a lot, too. I mean, consider a day at the office for me if there were, well, a hundred of me.

Dannox: You could stay home and play with us. *hugs Rachel*

Rachel: You know, all those stories and videos out there with Kael'thas cast as a complete simpleton do him no favors. It's robbing the fandom, really, of a very dynamic, complex character. There is dark in him, as well as light. Not necessarily a good man, but we can all understand how Kael was driven to the edge. He's almost a tragic character, possibly Shakespearean.

Faltheriel: But there's a playfulness as well, a kind of fun irony. I thought more Dickensian?

Rachel: Possibly. But that's really bleak. No, I just... *she takes off her glasses, twirls them* Sometimes it pains me that he's not more regularly depicted with great depth. It's all there. The loss of a great love, or a perceived one. And the loss of his father, his country, all weighing on him. The worst betrayal of all from his rival. Nothing, nothing I've read or watched in all these years seems to get at the heart, the real thorn in there, the true reason--the how, if you will--that explains Kael’thas' downfall. What, specifically, broke him in the end? Who was there to watch? And wasn't Illidan supposed to be there, too? Witnessing this beautiful youth crumble? *puts her glasses back on, unfolds the newspaper* All that.

Dannox: *Pretends to snore loudly, Rachel moves her cute feet out of his lap*

Faltheriel: *rubs his temples* Well, I suppose on social media sites, we're forced to boil Kael'thas down into a more easily digestible format.

Rachel: It's why I turn to fanfiction every time for the real good stuff. Long-form appeals to me I guess. Boiling Kael down into a memey joke on places like tumblr must cause some fans real suffering; though I guess it's also fun too, sometimes.

Pooktales god-voice: It SO is and yes it does.

Faltheriel: *back behind the fourth wall* And, Kael is damn funny so it's bound to be tempting. And, he's a very good-looking man. He is, in fact gorgeous. I mean, hello?

Rachel: But I want the whole man, not just the gristle. The meat, the bones, the whole meal. His life has expensive, award-winning historical drama written all over it. With fancy elves! I'd watch it.

Faltheriel: Me too! Oh man, who would you cast to play Kael'thas? *coils the cord of his office phone in his manicured fingers*

Rachel: That guy who plays the Witcher? You know, he also plays Warcraft. He'd be perfect.

Faltheriel: Oh you just like his muscles. If I could just... freeze the guy from Interview With the Vampire, Lestat you know? And use him? I don't know why.

Dannox: *snores even louder* Is the sleepover party done yet, girls?

Faltheriel: Well. I adore that maniac, but it looks like I'm out of a job if I can't turn over my tik tok for him in like... five minutes. I'm just here staring at the screen. He's gonna find out everything. I feel just horrible about what I did, turning my own sovereign's private moment into a joke on the internet. This is all too much for me. I have to be honest with him. As you say, and I agree my love... he's been through enough in his life.

Rachel: Oh no, Faltheriel! Don't give up. It's just one more tiny lie, and you'll be running his social media! That's like a promotion. The tik tok account for Kael'thas Sunstrider!

Faltheriel: He's done dancing. He's walking back to my office. That's his signature 'I know what I want and heads will roll' strut, alright. Same as back in Dalaran. Same as in Tempest Keep. In the Shadowlands, he more floated. But you get my imagery. Yep, he's waving at me.

Rachel: Let's see... his brand... so his name?

Faltheriel: I can't use his name, Kael already said not to. Look, hun. I should hang up.

Rachel: Wait! It's coming to me... Sunstrider... Sun... uh...

Faltheriel: I can't hold him off any longer.

Dannox: Hold up! Wait, Filthy, please! Don't lose your job over what I stupidly started. If anyone can do it, Rachel can!

Rachel: Some play on... Sunstrider... Sun...

Kael'thas: *comes in the office door* Are we all finished? I have a game of Hearthstone to play with Grand Magister Rommath. So show me my new tik tok... thing.

Rachel: Sunstrut!!!

Faltheriel: It's! Well, I was just typing in the new name. See? Take a look and, tell me if you... *he wilts* Like... it.

Kael'thas: Hrm... Ha! Sunstrut. I adore it. Could it be that one wonderful thing has gone right in my life? That looks very good. Nice work, Faltheriel. *leaves* You run my online stuff from now on, alright?

Faltheriel: ...

Rachel: You still there? Did you get the job?

Faltheriel: I just got my dream job, doing social media for King Kael'thas Sunstrider himself. Woohooo! Yes!

Rachel: So. Had you thought about what you'll tell Kael'thas when he asks if you punished the guy who did that?

Faltheriel: Oh damn. I forgot all about it. I guess I might be a bit late--

Rachel: No, don't you stay in that office a moment longer. Hurry home, dear. Potroast is already in the oven, and I went and got Dannox all tied up in our boudoir. He's eager for his beating. Well, he'd better be.

Faltheriel: I so love you.

-fin-

[filthy-darkweaver]

Re-blogging this, you can follow the #kaelpire tag if you like the Kael'thas-Faltheriel stories!

Interview with the Kael... pire??

Come meet Faltheriel's boss, King Kael'thas Sunstrider!

Dannox: *Holding cellphone, narrating wobbly camera footage* And... action!

Faltheriel: Kael'thas, you should say something.

Kael'thas: I thought this was a practice run? The real Daily Mail Orgrimmar crew doesn't come until tomorrow. *itches his nose* Right? Unless you're sending this to them. Which would be... cute, I guess. But also utterly stupid.

Faltheriel: Yes, correct, my king. It's all happening tomorrow, officially. But if we're going to practice, then you should rule the interview. Sort of, talk first and with authority. Run the show. Oh, and avoid scratching your um, your nose.

Dannox: No, it's good Faltheriel. It makes him look human.

Kael'thas: What!! Well I am definitely not scratcing my nose or anything close to a nose on my face--Ugh, those Alliance dogs! Faltheriel, you're supposed to be my chief advisor, why didn’t you warn me?

Faltheriel: I did try to just now, but I can't future-proof everything you do, Kael'thas.

Kael'thas: Aren't you a shadowpriest or something? Or didn't you used to be? *hairflips, inspects his perfect nails* So just go on and read my mind, then. Stop me from embarrassing myself. Wait, we need to cut to commercial or something. This nail got chipped while I was gesturing rather ferociously. And how did that even happen, Faltheriel! My nails are your job too.

Dannox: *snickers* Oh goddess, this is gold. Kael'thas is twice as pretentious as Rhonin, and ten times prissier than Haris Pilton, at least!

Faltheriel: Let's start over, Kael'thas. If we even can at this point.

Kael'thas: Why not? You've finished an excellent touch up job in record speed, Faltheriel. I daresay you've earned it. *blows on his nails to check if they're dry*

Dannox: *more shaky camera footage* So what color are your nails now, Kael'thas? I think that's a nice shade, different from before.

Kael'thas: A fel green. But they look black, don't they? I love the not-black shades. And Faltheriel, I guess I will apologize for snapping at you earlier. I'm nervous, if I'm honest. I mean, what do these Daily Orgrimmar people--

Faltheriel: Daily Mail Orgrimmar. It's a celebrity gossip news show.

Kael'thas: *dons an especially snotty look* What do they want? Why do we even care? By we, I mean me you know. What's my motivation? Am I being charming? Threatening? I guess I need to know whether I'm being Hearthstone Kael'thas or sexy, trashy Tempest Keep Kael'thas.

Faltheriel: No, please don't--

Dannox: Tempest Keep Kael'thas was more sort of just being high and weird all the time.

Kael'thas: Well. I do suppose every artist goes through many phases. That time in my life was...

All at once: ... merely a setback.

Dannox: Yeah, we know.

Kael'thas: Oh! That's like my cool catchphrase. Should I say that at the interview? I could... oh, what do they call it? I could meme myself!

Dannox: No.

Faltheriel: That is not a good thing, Kael'thas.

Dannox: Though, you know what? I would describe Shadowlands Kael'thas as the one who was trashy. Even nasty. In those hot chains? Oh yes. Do that at the real interview tomorrow.

Faltheriel: No, Dannox! Stop, please don't encourage him. You're supposed to be helping me...

Kael'thas: Hold. He may be onto something. Don't tell Denathrius, but I still do have those chains. I mean, I could get them now. *he grins, then goes to change* Why don't I just strip to the waist and go ho myself up in some chains! This is actually fun.

Faltheriel: *seethes at Dannox alone in the royal office*

Dannox: *more narrator voice* What's wrong, baby? You mad at me? Awww, poor thing. Don't be mad.

Faltheriel: I pulled so very many strings to get my boss, the king of Quel'thalas, to do this major interview with a major Azeroth news outlet to improve his PR which is constantly tanking. But Dannox, you've somehow managed to convince Kael'thas to do it shirtless, scratching gods-know-what, and raging about the Alliance, while getting his nails done. This will be so hard to undo, to untangle in his fel magic-addled, twisted, narcissistic brain, Dannox!

Dannox: Well. I figured we might also put this up on your secret tik tok account you think nobody knows you have, except I totally do.

Faltheriel: ...

Dannox: I mean, I know you love your job with Kael'thas. But if you ever wanted to become a Warcraft content creator, this is like a week's worth of irascible comedy gold to launch your career. Kael'thas is seriously like the Kanye of Warcraft.

Faltheriel: ... ....

Dannox: Forget king and country, Faltheriel! Think of how Kael'thas brainwashed you to be a Sunfury! How he lied to and tormented thousands, corrupted his own people! How his mad antics drove you into the ranks of the Burning Legion itself. Aren't you owed the tiniest piece of the pie when it comes to him?

Faltheriel: ... .... ...

Dannox: Can you also not see how fun it would be to cut this up and add little flames and devils around the edges? Set it to your favorite kpop song, or several? I mean, this is dying to become a Kael'thas Boy With Hate meme at the least!

Faltheriel: ... Done.