#k.a. applegate is a god

[roseunspindle]

What I Read in March 2025

I really enjoyed this! Liriel is fun and sassy, she has the probelm that while she has a thirst for adventure and risk... she kinda missed out on the Drows love of scheming. She can scheme and she can defend herself she's just more impish prankster (if she had her way). (Though they did Fyodor dirty on the cover ^_^' He's like 19 I think...) Fyodor did not expect this when he started his trip...he's rolling with it as best he can though. Friendship seems to be a big theme in this book.

This was okay...but the art was overall so "gross" looking that it was hard to tell at times who was meant to be afflicted by the villain and who wasn't. I dunno. It didn't work for me.

Ooof Rachel goes through it in this one. (Also why is everyone else a cool attack critter on the cover and Cassie is a fly?)

Many shenangigans. (Also frowning at their dad for his reaction to the girls dreams...)

Vampire short stories, often with a very depressing angle. They were all well written...but not quite my cup of tea. A few managed to be bittersweet.

Emotions are happening!

I actually enjoyed reading this. The characters are so real feeling. Didn't take that long as I really wanted to know what happened next. Planning to read part 2 this month (april) I'll admit I did skim in a few war scenes as they....just kept talking... ^_^'

In the belly of a sea serpent...

So many things happening!!!

Loved this! (no I will not be trying the Baghdad sauce) Also can I have a flying panther or lion?

Sasuke's cracked psyche is really being strained, Naruto is too young to fully understand and my poor babies.

I just kept wanting a tiny bit more, some scenes were really well done and pulled me in but the rest kinda...drags? Also not enough inventing! Will try book 2 when it comes out, see if the author improves.

I'm fine...not emotionally traumatized at all. 😭😭

[allumau]

And I felt a wave of... of what? Of several feelings at once. The sadness you feel when you know you are happy, but don't expect it to last. Wistful, I guess. Stupid.

Everworld #7 Gateway to the Gods - K.A. Applegate

[synthapostate]

The Capture: I read this book for the first time in the back of my dad’s car. “Oh boy,” I thought. “After that last book, I bet we’ll be in for a breather episode! Surely my beloved K.A. Applegate will give us something light and fun!”

Surely we must live in a universe created by a just and loving God. :)

- I'm Jake.

Just Jake. You don't need to know my last name, and I can't tell you, anyway. My story is full of small lies. I've changed people's names. I've changed the names of places. I've changed small details here and there.

But the big stuff is true.

All of it.

The Yeerks are here. On Earth. That is true.

The Yeerks have made Controllers of many humans. They have inserted their gross, sluglike bodies into people's brains, and made them into slaves - Controllers. That is true.

Controllers are everywhere. My town. Your town. Everywhere.

They can be anyone.

Haha, they sure can be anyone! That is true!

I actually haven’t reread this book since the first time, because. Well. As much as the ants got to me in the last book, this one is...just extremely upsetting. I don’t know how it’s going to hit me now, but I can pretty much guarantee my writing priorities are going to shift this week. Which direction remains to be seen.

(Later addendum: Turns out it hit me pretty damn hard, and my response was to repress and ignore! Which does sound like me tbh.)

- Tom. My brother. Could I destroy my own brother?

"You don't have to make that decision yet," I said aloud. "All you have to do now is try out this roach morph."

All I had to do now was become a cockroach.

First of all, dear god, this poor child is already working his way up to accepting that he may have no choice but to kill his big brother. And then on top of that he has to turn into a roach. I was terrified of cockroaches as a kid. Had a legit phobia. Couldn’t handle them. Reading this book, I decided I could never be an Animorph because I couldn’t handle touching a roach to acquire it. But the cockroach becomes one of their go-to spy morphs, and the more they turn into roaches and come to feel safety in the morph, the more comfortable I became with them. I still don’t like roaches, but thanks to Animorphs, I can now be in the same room as one without completely melting down.

I still don’t want them to touch me, though.

- I felt the last of my bones dissolve. I could actually hear it happening. My spine had been grinding as it shrank. Then, suddenly, I heard a squishy sound, as all my internal organs lost their bone support.

My skull melted away. It was the last sound I heard clearly, as my ears and human sense of hearing faded.

I was a bag of loose guts. Almost deaf. Half-blind, as my human eyes shrank and the lenses became distorted.

My exoskeleton got harder and stiffer and stronger. My wings, glossy and crisp, covered my back. They overlapped at the edges, like the metal plates of a suit of armor.

Extra legs suddenly sprouted from my chest. Only it wasn't exactly a chest anymore. I was a stunted, six-inch-long bug, with a few disintegrating strands of brown hair and shrunken, but still somewhat human, eyes.

This helped me get over my phobia…

- Her parents are both veterinarians and her dad runs the clinic as a way to help injured wild animals. Everything from seagulls to skunks. And Cassie helps with all the work, except for doing surgery. But I'll bet she could do that, too.

Foreshadowing! Every book has to repeat the introductions in case it’s a reader’s first time, and it’s fun to see which details come up depending on the narrator. They all always mention Cassie’s work at the Wildlife Rehabilitation Clinic, but only Jake harps this much on how amazing and capable and responsible and smart and strong and pretty she is.

- The Yeerks have a pretty good plan to infest more hosts in this book. They’ve gotten to several doctors, and now control a hospital. “You check in to have your tonsils out or to have a cast put on your broken arm. You check out as a Controller." Sometimes the Yeerks can be pretty stupid, because in the end these are still children’s books and the Animorphs have to have some kind of chance against them. But other times they are frighteningly competent, and going after hospital patients at their most vulnerable is one of those times. And the worst part is, Tom’s Yeerk seems to be the one running this show. And Visser Three doesn’t care to separate the Yeerk from the host.

- Rachel whistled softly. "If we succeed, Tom fails. If he fails, Visser Three may kill him."

"That's about the way it is, yeah," I said.

"So, what do we do?" Marco asked.

"We forget this mission," Cassie suggested.

"And leave the Yeerks in control of a hospital? A little factory for making Controllers?" I countered. "Why? Because my brother may be hurt?"

"Yes," Cassie said simply.

I hesitated. I wanted to agree. But how could I justify backing off for selfish reasons?

Cassie is always for taking the gentler option, even when it’s the wrong choice. Jake already knows that this is a sacrifice he may have to make. Maybe he gets his brother killed, but he’ll save hundreds of humans from infestation, and he’ll keep the Yeerks from gaining strength. But it’s not a decision he’s ready to make, so Marco gives him an out by suggesting they go in to gather information, and decide what to do about it once they know more about what’s going on. Jake is grateful for the reprieve, but it’s only temporary.

- "How long do you think this will take?" Rachel asked. She checked her watch. "I set the VCR for two of my favorite shows, but I forgot to tape the movie of the week."

"I'm taping it in case you miss it," Cassie said.

It’s the ‘90s!

- I wasn't sure if Ax knew Marco was being funny or not. Ax might have a very dry sense of humor. Or he might have no sense of humor at all. I hadn't figured it out yet.

Having read all the books from Ax’s POV, I don’t have an answer to this, but I do know KAA must have had a blast writing him.

- "This mission has two parts. One. We will use the front hospital to take involuntary hosts. I expect to be able to make two hundred new Controllers per Earth month. We will concentrate on police, broadcasters, writers, teachers, people in finance, and especially anyone in a position of political power."

A good plan. Also, this is their first encounter with Visser Three in human morph, and frankly, morphing human is more subtlety than I would have expected him to be capable of. (I’m joking, but barely.) Who is this morph, anyway? Who did he acquire? Did he blend DNA like Ax did, or did he just grab a guy?

- “In a few days, the governor of this state will have some minor surgery performed. His secretary is one of us, and she has steered him to our facility. He will check in for the minor surgery. When he checks out . . .he will belong to us."

<No,> Rachel gasped.

<What does it mean? What is a governor? Is this some sort of prince?> Ax asked.

<Yeah. A prince. The governor controls the state police,> I said. <And the National Guard. And the schools.>

<It's worse than that,> Rachel said grimly. <Don't you guys ever pay attention to politics?>

<What are you talking about?>

<Don't you know? Our governor is getting ready to run for president next year. A year from now there could be a Controller in the White House.>

Oh, okay. I forgot about this. The events of this book occur because. They need. To stop the existential threat to all human civilization. From taking the office of President of the United States.

It’s fine. JUST READ THE BOOK, SYNTH, IT’S FINE.

- Actually, less than fine. They’re spotted, Visser Three realizes they might be Andalites in morph, the stomping commences. The rest of the team escapes, but Jake gets blasted with bug spray. Thankfully, Tobias is just barely able to get him out.

- I was lying helpless on tar paper and gravel. My legs were twitching. My antennae waved insanely. I was twitching and jerking and losing all control over my roach body.

But the human me understood what was going on.

I was dying.

I had watched roaches die from poisoning. I had stood over them and thought, "Ha, serves you right."

Now it was me. Now it was my body that was failing. I was the one suffocating and jerking.

<Jake! You have to morph out of this. Do it! Concentrate!>

I knew he was right. It was the only way to stay alive. But it was so hard to focus when I was trapped inside a dying body.

JESUS CHRIST, DUDE. This is the scene that kept coming back to me later, when I wanted to melt down over a cockroach coming near me. KAA forced a wedge of empathy for insects directly into my brain, and I had to find a way to live with them just to avoid the cognitive dissonance.

- "What's going to be next Tuesday?"

Marco looked over my shoulder and then, very casually, around the hallway to make sure no one was close enough to overhear. "The governor. That's when he's going in the hospital. I'll bet you a hundred bucks it's for hemorrhoids." He grinned. "That's why it's kind of secret. No one is supposed to know."

"So, how do you know?"

"Well, we know from the meeting the other night that he's going, right? So all I had to do is find out what his schedule is going to be. Turns out it's no problem. I told them I was a reporter and they faxed me a copy."

Marco, you’re twelve! Thirteen, maybe. Was it this easy to pull a con in the ‘90s? I mean, maybe it was. This is not the only time Marco does this kind of thing.

- “I don't want to be a fly. I saw that movie. The Fly. Both versions. The old one, and the new one with Jeff Goldblum. I mean, a fly? A fly?"

"The movie. I forgot that movie," Cassie said.

She made a face. "The one where the guy has a tiny little human head stuck on a fly body and he's trapped in a spiderweb and he's going 'h-e-e-e-l-p m-e-e-e' in this little tiny voice? And that guy is so grossed out he just crushes him?"

This sounded great to me, so immediately after finishing this book I asked my dad if we could watch The Fly. He had the original on video, and was more than happy to show it to me. Coincidentally, the Jeff Goldblum version came on TV a few days later, so I stayed up late and watched that, too. Apparently, people find that movie the epitome of disgusting body horror, but I actually wasn’t bothered by it. Why would I be? I read Animorphs.

(Complete tangent: This week I came down with something that could potentially come with some really gross symptoms, so now my wife is calling me Brundlefly. Which really made my day!)

- Here's the thing about flies.

Being a fly is fun. It really is.

Turning into a fly . . . that is a whole different story.

I guess it's no big secret that I kind of like Cassie. I think she's really pretty. But when I saw these two huge, glittering, bulging, compound eyes come popping out of her eye sockets, I screamed.

I mean, I screamed like a baby.

Cassie’s amazing morphing talent is not up to the challenge of making a fly look cool.

- <Say one thing for flies. If you ever need to find poop, hire a fly.>

Turns out the Yeerk pool (a portable one they’ve put in a therapy Jacuzzi) smells very similar to poop. Lucky them.

- "What are you going to do?" Cassie asked.

"We came here to stop this sick operation, right? Well, wiping out a hundred or so Yeerks might be a good way to start. I'm going to hook this thing back together, and Jacuzzi these filthy creeps to death."

Jake...already has no problem murdering Yeerks while they’re helpless in their pool. Ax is fine with it, but it’s surprising that Cassie also doesn’t object. This is one of the few times she lets a war crime pass without comment.

- But all the while, in the back of my head, was this nagging feeling.

It couldn't be this easy.

Of course it couldn’t. They get caught, and Jake gets shot in the fucking head. Just a ricochet, not enough to kill him, but he’s knocked out for a second, and falls. Facedown in the Yeerk pool.

- When I woke I had two terrifying, overwhelming feelings. One was suffocation. I had breathed in a lungful of the liquid from the pool.

I came to, gasping and hacking and gagging. I was alive, but I could hardly breathe. Each breath was a struggle. I coughed and I think at one point I threw up.

The second feeling was of pain in my head. Pain like nothing I had ever even imagined before. It was like someone was drilling a hole in my ear, drilling straight into my brain.

I wanted to scream, but I was still choking. I was on my knees on the floor of the hospital room, wanting to cry from the pain and gasping for every half-breath of air.

Rachel takes charge while Jake is incapacitated, and they manage to escape with their lives. Jake is injured and disoriented, and barely able to mumble out that something is wrong with his head.

Marco thinks he’s feeling the aftereffects of being shot in the head.

He thinks wrong.

They fucking got him.

- Tobias landed on a branch overhead. <Is he okay?>

<I can't tell. He's alive. He's breathing. But it's like he's zoned out or something. We may have to take him to a doctor.>

I wanted to tell them both. To scream "They have me! They are inside me!" But I couldn't make my mouth move. It was like there was a roadblock. Like I could form the thoughts, give the order to my lips and tongue to speak, but the order never got there.

Haha, okay, I think this must be the source of my fascination with possession stories. The idea of a person trapped in their own body, helpless, watching something else play a part, and play it badly, but not so badly that anyone really notices. They watch, and they try and try to scream for help, but no one ever hears them, and no one will ever save them, because no one will ever know what’s happening to them. They hurt the people they love the most, they do things they would never do, and there’s nothing they can do to stop it. They wear themselves out fighting, but they can never win, and finally they lose all hope, and the other presence buries them so deep they can never find their way back out.

Throughout my childhood and into my twenties, I had recurring nightmares about trying to scream for help, but no one could hear me because I had no voice. I’m sure that doesn’t mean anything.

- <I am Temrash one-one-four,> the Yeerk said proudly. <Formerly Temrash two-five-two, of the Sulp Niar pool. I have been promoted. No doubt you are happy for me.>

Okay, I guess a Yeerk’s numbers do indicate rank. I retract my statement from my previous post. Unless this is a continuity error? I think this is contradicted later? But anyway, this is the Yeerk that was in Tom’s head, but his promotion means that he was about to be bumped up to something more fitting than some high school kid. Which, silver lining! Tom is now infested by a lower-ranked Yeerk and is less likely to be killed by Visser Three for failing to meet expectations.

- "As soon as we know Rachel and Ax are safe, we need to break up and go our separate ways," my mouth said.

The Yeerk was considering his next move. I could not "hear" his thoughts. But I could feel him using my brain. He was digging through my memory. Trying to learn quickly about the others.

He was using my brain. Using me.

I had to do something quick. Something to warn Cassie and Marco. Surely they would guess what was happening. They were the two people in the whole world who were closest to me.

Surely they would realize that I was no longer myself.

Wouldn't they?

(They would not.)

- <Forget resistance. It is futile. No host has ever overpowered a Yeerk. It is impossible.>

I felt a dark wave of terror wash over me. He was telling the truth. I knew he was. No host had ever defeated a Yeerk.

Resistance was futile.

Futile.

So there I am, eleven years old, reading this book and freaking out over the shocking turn my fun sci-fi series has taken, when I get to this page. And I have to stop, and take a breath, and go show my dad, because I did not know—and for all I knew, he didn’t either!—that you could intentionally make Star Trek references in your writing, without even saying it was a Star Trek reference! You could just do that! For fun!

Okay, back to the horror.

- In that split second, hatred revealed itself. A hatred that had crossed light years of space to play itself out on planet Earth.

<Andalite!> the Yeerk hissed silently. And in that one word I heard the same fury and contempt I heard whenever Ax said the word "Yeerk."

Only I heard it. The Yeerk did not say a thing.

But surprised, unaware, unprepared, he did curl my lip in an instinctive expression of revulsion.

It’s enough, thankfully. Ax, who doesn’t even know Jake that well, still knows enough that he doesn’t believe Jake would ever look at him that way. And he knows Jake fell into the pool. I stand by my statement that Ax is dumb as a rock, but the boy can put two and two together. Ax snaps his tail blade up to Jake’s throat and calls him a Controller, and in that moment, saves the human race.

Yeerks have to return to the pool every three days to feed. If they hold Jake for three days, they’ll know for sure. But the Yeerk, like a total asshole, points out that Jake has a family who will notice if he goes missing (“No offense, Tobias.”) They can’t hold him hostage for three days.

- I turned to Cassie. "Cassie, come on. Explain it to them."

Come on, Cassie, I thought. Come on, be hard for once. Don't feel for me. Don't be sweet, just this once.

And Cassie does feel for him. She is still sweet, emotional Cassie. But she doesn’t let that stop her from doing what has to be done.

- "Jake," Cassie said, looking into my eyes. "I know you're still in there. I know you're probably afraid. But we will get that thing out of your head, Jake. We will."

We now commence the three day hostage situation, with Jake tied to a chair in a shack in the woods, his friends standing guard over him, while Ax (in morph) impersonates him long enough to fool his parents.

Tom and his Yeerk will be more suspicious of Ax-as-Jake than his closest friends were of Jake-the-Controller before Ax alerted them to the situation, which is fucking chilling, but that comes later.

Sooooo…here’s where I stopped reading the book for a couple of weeks because it was stressing me out too much. I, an adult person, was temporarily defeated by a children’s book, and one this early in the series? Gotta get back in the saddle, man. Everything is fine.

- The Yeerk does a good job manipulating Jake’s friends, saying nice things for Cassie and holding her hand, telling Rachel she’s “too smart to really believe any of this,” undermining Tobias with digs at his lack of a stable family, thinking of ways to use Marco’s “interesting history” against him. Rachel is dug in at this point, and if Marco and Tobias have doubts they aren’t giving anything away, but Cassie does show signs of uncertainty. If he hadn’t given himself away with his cartoonish hatred of Andalites, he might have found his wedge. Fortunately, Temrash is a racist. And as Marco points out, the real Jake would have given up on trying to convince them he was human. He would be doing everything he could to help them cover up his absence for the next three days.

- <Ah, yes,> the Yeerk said, and laughed. <It shocks you that I can play your thoughts back for you. Your brain is no different to me than one of your primitive human computers. I open any file I like. I play any software. I use you. I own you. I dominate you. You are nothing anymore. Just an echo. Just a ghost haunting the machine of your own brain!>

<Yeah?> I managed to say. <Well, you're a screw-up who is tied up in a cabin in the woods. In three days, you're dead.>

<I won't be here three days,> he said.

It’s kind of sweet that Jake’s fantasy is of being a basketball player, with his parents and the girl he likes cheering him on, and his big brother giving him a hug after the game. It’s such a wholesome little dream, and it’s awful to see Temrash play it back just to hurt and mock him. Jake is such a good kid. He doesn’t deserve this. Not that anyone does, but—out of the whole team, he might be the most interesting one to get the infestation plot, because he is so ordinary. He doesn’t have any oversized bits of ego for the Yeerk to hook into. Rachel’s strength, Marco’s cleverness, and Cassie’s kindness all would have been things for Temrash to beat down— “You think you can use this to escape me? You’re pathetic!” But Jake already doesn’t think he’s anything special. All the Yeerk can find to hurt him with is a desire to be good at the sport he enjoys, and for a girl to like him and his family to be proud. And it does hurt him, for this thing in his head to see what he wants most, and to judge it as stupid and unimportant. But it's nice, to want something so simple. So normal. So human.

- <The great horned owl,> I said to the Yeerk.

<I can read your every thought, you don't need to tell me what it is,> the Yeerk snapped.

<Oh, but I enjoy telling you. It's a great horned owl. It flies without making a sound. Tobias watches them hunt sometimes. Tobias says they can hear a mouse burp from a hundred yards away. He says they can see a bug blink on a coal-black night.> I laughed silently in my corner of my own brain. I laughed at the Yeerk. <As far as that owl is concerned, you might as well have a spotlight on you.>

Yet again, this is written with such a sense of wonder! Animals are cool!

Also, fuck that Yeerk! Get your hits in however you can, kid. For morale.

- I reveled in his anger. It meant he was scared. It also meant something else. I could not control my arms or legs. I could not even keep my mind closed from him. But he could not stop my thoughts. He could not stop me from talking to him.

And I had the power to annoy him.

Get him, Jake!

- A human will fight even when he knows he can't win. Maybe our species is just a little crazy. But human history is full of cases where a handful of guys would fight an entire army. They'd get stomped, but they'd fight anyway.

That's not the way it is for Yeerks. They are ruthless. They will do anything, absolutely anything to win. But when the situation is impossible, totally impossible, they stop fighting. They figure that other Yeerks will carry on the fight for them.

Different ways of looking at your world.

We’ll come back to this!

- For the first time, the Yeerk broke his silence with the others and spoke as a Yeerk.

<If you kill me, you'll kill your friend, as well,> he warned.

<Yes,> Tobias said. <I know.>

<You won't do it.>

<Right from the start we have all said the same thing - better to die than be a Controller.> Tobias said. <But in any case, I don't need to kill you. I can simply put your eyes out. A blind falcon doesn't fly far.>

The Yeerk surrendered and demorphed.

And here, Tobias, the artistic, sensitive kid who used to be a magnet for bullies, shows how pragmatic and ruthless he can be. Living as a bird of prey is having its effect on him, for sure.

- The sun came up. Cassie stepped into the shack from the woods outside. She looked at me and nodded. "It's happening, isn't it?"

I wanted to answer, but even now, my voice was not my own.

Cassie came and sat down beside me. Beside us.

"Ax says this part is pretty rough. Just remember, when it's all over, I'll be here."

She slipped her hand into my hand. I could feel it. So could the Yeerk. But he did not reject this small bit of comfort, even though it was intended for me and not him.

Jake feels the Yeerk’s pain as he starves to death, surrounded by enemies, helpless and alone. It’s hard to pity the genocidal aliens bent on enslaving humanity, but when you spend three days with one of them and then have to watch him die in agony, maybe it changes the way you look at him, just a little bit.

- We all met at Cassie's barn. And I used her dad's cellular phone to call Tom at home. I went partly into a wolf morph before I did. Just enough to make the smallest changes.

Enough to change the shape of my mouth and tongue and throat. So that my voice would sound very different.

He picked it up on the third ring. "Yeah?"

"I have a message," I said in a thick, twisted voice that did not sound at all like me.

"What?" Tom asked.

"Don't give up, Tom. Don't ever give up."

I hung up before he could say anything.

"Do you think Tom . . . the real Tom . . . heard it?" Rachel asked.

"He heard," I answered.

I wondered if he would have the strength to hold on.

But I knew the answer. See, a part of my brother was in my own mind now. Along with echoes of a long-dead Hork-Bajir and a simple Gedd. And yes, even a bit of a Yeerk with dreams of glory.

Marco smiled his sardonic smile. "And is it true? Will we win?"

"This is a very complicated planet, Marco. That's what I hear, anyway. And it's a very strange universe. Anything could happen."

Weird emotional confession here: At my lowest moments in my early teens, I used to imagine myself as Tom. I felt like I should be putting myself in Jake's position, as the kid with a secret who was going to save the day. But what I wanted most was for someone who cared about me to tell me not to give up. Sometimes I imagined getting an encouraging phone call from Wolf Boy, and, I don't know. If Tom could keep going, then so could I.

[paladinbaby]

1987, paul guest / timefighter, lucy dacus / k.a applegate / lucille clifton / ganymede, jericho brown / the sorrow festival, erin slaughter / @transmonstera / the moths, mary oliver / regarding the röttgen pietà, elle emerson / @inkskinned

[Image Description: Ten images, mostly of text on white backgrounds.

1: “Some nights I wake and everything hurts a little. / It is amazing how long a ruined thing will burn.”

2: “You talk like you know the walls are thin / And I don’t mind if you don’t mind me listening / And I’m tired of all these wires / If I go far enough / Will they not follow us?

And I fight time / It won in a landslide / I’m just as good as anybody / I’m just as bad as anybody”

3: “People don’t understand the word ruthless. They think that it means ‘mean.’ It’s not about being mean. It’s about seeing the bright, clear line that leads from A to B. The line that goes from motive to means. Beginning to end. It’s about seeing that bright, clear line and not caring about anything but the beautiful fact that you can see the solution.” The text is dark red.

4: “maybe i should have wanted less / maybe i should have ignored the bowl in me / burning to be filled / maybe i should have wanted less”

5: “I mean, don't you want God / To want you? Don't you dream / Of someone with wings taking you / Up?”

6: “& if I present my body as sacrifice I can finally walk away from it.”

7: "your god doesn't want to kill me he wants to fuck me" the words kill and fuck are censored with red praying hands. the text is on a background collage of various depictions of saint sebastian. the background is black and there are stars decorating the page. the overlay is red.

8: “And anyway / I was so full of energy. / I was always running around, looking / at this and that.

If I stopped / the pain / was unbearable.”

9: “No one is watching / So why does it have to be beautiful? / You, in pain, are no closer to god than / You, in the drive thru or / You, checking your email or / You, holding your own hand.”

10: “of course i’m angry. do you have any idea of how many times someone should have helped me?” End ID.]

[domesticadventures]

two books in a row now where one of the animorphs temporarily dies. first marco gets shot and sliced up while in gorilla morph and has to have his heart restarted by an ancient alien android and then right after literally all of them are EATEN by visser three in morph but in an alternate timeline which only jake winds up remembering because that timeline gets erased when he's killed there. k.a. applegate is like i simply MUST murder these preteens...but not permanently. not yet :) like my god imagine being thirteen and having to live with the memory of your own death but keep on fighting anyway. and also you have to go to school tomorrow

[siderealscribblings]

On one hand LUMINE PLS STOP DON'T HURT THEM but on another hand THANK YOU because SOMEONE needed to spell it out for these two lovesick idiots

Also Lumine remembers Furina being more ruthless. Makes me wonder what kind of circumstances her Furina went through 🤔

I mean dumping your mission of mercy on the head of a human who literally knows nothing and then abandoning her for 500 years so you can kill yourself in order to save your people/spite God is pretty ruthless

To quote Marco:

“People don’t understand the word ruthless. They think it means ‘mean.’ It’s not about being mean. It’s about seeing the bright, clear line that leads from A to B. The line that goes from motive to means. Beginning to end. It’s about seeing that bright, clear line and not caring about anything but the beautiful fact that you can see the solution. Not caring about anything else but the perfection of it.” - Marco, Book #30: The Reunion, pg. 71 (by K.A. Applegate)

[ravenya003]

Stuff I Read/Watched in July...

Captain Underpants and the Invasion of the Incredibly Naughty Cafeteria Ladies from Outer Space (and the Subsequent Assault of the Equally Evil Lunchroom Zombie Nerds) by Dav Pilkey

The Bad Guys: The Furball Strikes Back by Aaron Blabey

Dawn and the Big Sleepover by Anne M. Martin

Kristy and the Baby Parade by Anne M. Martin

Diadem: Book of Names by John Peel

Diadem: Book of Signs by John Peel

Diadem: Book of Magic by John Peel

The Two-Faced God by Caroline Lawrence

The Sewer Demon by Caroline Lawrence

The Thunder Omen by Caroline Lawrence

The Book of Shane by Nick Eliopulos

Tales of the Fallen Beasts by Brandon Mull and others

The Andalite Chronicles: Elfangor by K.A. Applegate

Tides of the Dark Crystal by J.M. Lee

Flames of the Dark Crystal by J.M. Lee

The Bandit of Sherwood Forest (1946)

Tales of Robin Hood (1951)

Ivanhoe (1952)

Son of Robin Hood (1958)

The Scarlet Pimpernel (1982)

Ivanhoe (1982)

Robin Hood: Prince of Sherwood (1993)

The Adventures of Robin Hood: Seasons 1 – 4 (1955 – 1959)

Ivanhoe (1997)

The Tudors: Season 3 (2009)

Slow Horses: Season 1 (2022)

More details on blog...

[theheartmold]

I mean @demandthedoodles I’ll talk about it even more [twirling my hair]

For anyone curious, we’re referencing this post!

Mahanon’s intensity is probably the driving force of his own narrative! From the second his wedding is ruined, he doesn’t do anything in half-measures. The Grey Wardens, to Mahanon, are the chance to live the life he’s always wanted. The Blight is the one thing that stands in the way of what he wants, so he’ll do what he has to do to stop it—with only one caveat. He won’t give up his own life for it. Or else, what have all his efforts been for?

To quote K.A. Applegate, Mahanon becomes ruthless; all he can see is that bright clear line from beginning to end, and he doesn’t care about anything but the solution. He makes tough calls that the rest of the group REFUSE to make. He kills Connor, he kills the werewolves, he defiles the Ashes. Everything he does is him making a decision that he deems necessary.

What does this have to do with how he feels about Alistair (or any of the others)? Put simply, Mahanon feels, to an extent, that he’s owed their loyalty. They weren’t the ones to make the calls, they shunted the decisions onto him. If they didn’t like what he did, they should’ve done something about it themselves.

Despite his resentments, he does CARE about the people he travels with (in my canon the Blight takes about a year to a year and a half to settle in full). He wouldn’t have stuck with them so long if he didn’t care about them. He falls in love with Morrigan, and in each other they find mutual healing from their pasts. He grows close to Zevran and Shale and Wynne; Leliana is almost an annoying little sister, and Alistair is like the brother he never had.

Mahanon and Alistair were (to quote Lingua Ignota) “brothers in arms / brothers in each others’ arms”. Alistair was one of very few men that Mahanon could trust and even grew to love (platonically, but there was a little homoeroticism in there). But when the Landsmeet came, when all that time had passed, when Mahanon’s ruthlessness had alienated some (such as when he took the Reaver blood, such as his double crossing spirits at Soldier’s Peak and drinking more blood, such as his cutthroat way of handling their foes the closer they get to the end of their quest) Mahanon could ONLY focus on that bright, blinding solution.

He couldn’t see anything else. Sparing Loghain and recruiting him into the Wardens would force a powerful general onto their side! This is a brilliant political move! And Alistair can have his vengeance, Loghain will be their sacrifice to the Archdemon! Everything works out!

Mahanon can only see the solution.

Alistair can only see Mahanon’s betrayal; after everything, after being willing to even kill Morrigan’s mother for her, Mahanon would refuse to do this one simple thing? How could he?!

Mahanon can now only see Alistair’s betrayal of the cause. He’d leave because he can’t get his pound of flesh?! He’s a traitor, too! I could have him executed!

Mahanon still loves him. He rejects Morrigan’s offer (he has to) and refuses to let her bring it up to Alistair or Loghain. Morrigan leaves, and Mahanon is left with only the solution. He finds another. It won’t be him and Alistair at the End of All Things, but it WILL be him. Loghain, in some ways, knows this. The ruthlessness of a brave young man not yet ready to die.

Alistair’s arrival at the last second—his sacrifice, the attempt at reclaiming the responsibilities he abdicated, undermining what Mahanon had to do once he was gone and what he had to prepare himself to do—it’s a final betrayal. It’s selfish. It’s sacrifice. Mahanon rages for weeks. He can’t even yell at his god because Alistair has been wholly consumed; there is nowhere within the Fade that his rage can reach that Alistair would be able to know it.

Mahanon’s final betrayal, his final selfishness, is by abandoning the Wardens immediately once Vigil’s Keep has been arranged for him. He goes to find Morrigan, and leaves Loghain to clean up the mess. Loghain is sent to Orlais; Elyon is brought from Orlais. They cross paths with each other at the border—both older men, both whose families have been lost to ruin, both who have been exiled from their homelands, and both who know their hearts best to the death-march.

May the Dread Wolf take me.

May Andraste light your path.

[tinx-methinks]

Update to this post: tinx-reads-2023

Books I've read since last time:

K.A. Applegate: The Change, The Unknown, The Escape, The Warning, The Underground, The Decision, Megamorphs 2: In the Time of the Dinosaurs, The Andalite Chronicles, The Hork-Bajir Chronicles, The Departure, The Discovery, The Threat, The Solution, The Pretender, The Suspicion, and The Extreme. GOD she does Aliens SO WELL. I care about her Aliens SO MUCH argh. I didn't think I would like the Andalite or Hork-Bajir Chronicles at all but now they're all I can think about ahhhh!!!

Hide by Kiersten White wasn't super good... it felt kinda like the author was trying to rub her own back and the novel wasn't as exciting as I'd hoped.

The Legend of Beacon Swamp by Jacob Peyton had it's moments where it could have been interesting but it was so poorly written that any joy you could still derive from it vanished into the murk.

All Systems Red by Martha Wells was the STAND OUT FAVE from this group of books. All my homies love Murderbot.

Even Though I Knew the End by C.L. Polk wasn't bad and would've been more enjoyable if I'd just read it for what it was but I was thinking about some of the weirdness in the world building the whole time. I think the angels in this universe are evil and also the main character is kinda really bad.

Consequences by Aleatha Romig was pitched to me as erotica. Which it wasn't. Tried to make me think it was romance. Which is wasn't. And then the ending would've been good and interesting if the entire book hadn't been wayyyy too fuckin' long.

A Curious Beginning by Deanna Raybourn was a bookclub book that became a real slog. The main character was smug and mean and I really hated the twist in this book. I thought the author was English but it turned out she was from Texas which really shook me though.

Deadly Kiss by Ariel Marie was the first one in a romance series about lesbian vampire princesses. It was alright, but felt a little confused at times. I think I might take a look at the second one in the series though... it was charming and had some decent erotica.

As for Short Stories...

Kakekomi Uttae by Dazai Osamu was super interesting because I read No Longer Human last year and felt like this piece had SO much of the author's personal voice in the place of Judas.

Graveyard Rats by Henry Kutner which I read cause I'm hunting down the short stories from Del Toro's Cabinet of Curiosities with a friend. Neither of us thought this was very good, however. We both preferred the netflix adaption.

The Autopsy by Michael Shea was fantastic. I enjoyed this one a bunch. I ended up going through the episode again because of it and I love the changes that were made from the text but for me the text had sooo much more to offer with little details in mannerisms. Plus some of the thoughts about death as a personification just really worked for me. I liked this one a lot.

[jimhensonreject]

I can get the logic of "the weak arms thing was meant to emphasize andalites having cushy post-technological lives", but I feel like it's ignoring the Doylist explanation- andalites have weak arms because "really good arm strength, especially for throwing things" is a Notable Thing About Humans that K.A. Applegate wanted to emphasize. The Andalite Chronicles really went out of its way to emphasize the reaction everyone had to Loren throwing something. It's not portrayed as "wow, this young woman is doing something a strong andalite could do!", it's portrayed as "i literally could not guess that she had the ability to accurately pick something up and throw it at a target with force. What about their biology makes this possible?". (God, it's the best part of the book. Everyone freaks out at THROWING things, but of COURSE they do!)

Had a thought today when considering Andalite polearms: what if they looked like a Vulcan lirpa, but bearded like an axe so they can be used in more ways?

For reference, this is a lirpa:

[roseunspindle]

March 2025 TBR

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

What would u say are the best and worst book narrated by each character ?

I sat down to come up with my least favorite book by each narrator and had a pretty easy time of it — there’s an unfortunate dip in quality in the series around #39 - #43 that I can point to as definitely not my faves — and then ended up totally baffled by how to choose JUST ONE favorite book by each narrator, because such a task is almost impossible.  In conclusion, I really love Animorphs, as you probably never would have guessed from reading this blog.  So, with a little cheating, here goes:

Tobias

Least favorite: #43, The Test

The plot of this book pretty much requires that all of the characters, but most notably Rachel and Jake, act in ways that really don’t fit with their behavior for the rest of the series.  My cynical hypothesis about What Was The Ghost Even Thinking rhymes with schmender schtereotyping, but even if I more kindly assume that everyone was just acting strange to jerk Taylor around, I can’t really enjoy this book.

Favorite: #49, The Diversion

Tobias’s point of view works so well for this book, because its plot draws attention to his status as a partial outsider not only for human society as a whole but also for his team.  He’s literally trapped in a liminal space that here actually gives him a lot of perspective on his friends’ families — and the importance of sticking close to his own.  (And by that I mean 93% Ax, 7% Loren.)

Other favorite: #23, The Pretender

Speaking of Tobias being sort of stuck between roles, this book is so good because it shows the strength of his position as both able to access and able to escape being human.  He moves flexibly between a ton of different roles in this book — a leader to the hork-bajir, a supporter to Jake, a parent to himself, a son to Elfangor, a quasi-hawk, a quasi-human, a quasi-andalite — and does so with astounding grace and aplomb.  Resting bitchface has never seemed like a cooler accidental superpower.

Another favorite: #33, The Illusion

This book is the brutal shadow-self to #23, instead shutting Tobias out of a whole bunch of different roles over the course of the plot.  It does however contain one of the series’s best villains (Taylor is terrifyingly sympathetic) and some of its best moments of heartwarming body horror in the final battle.

Ax

Least favorite: #8, The Alien

Honestly, there’s nothing really wrong with this book, but there’s nothing amazingly right about it either.  It has a few great moments (Jake’s naïve optimism at the kandron’s destruction giving way to fear for Tom, Ax having dinner with Cassie’s family, Tobias definitely not tattling on Ax) but overall the plot is just kind of inane and doesn’t do much to move the series forward.

Favorite: #38, The Arrival

Estrid et al. act as such a cool check-in for not only how much Ax has grown as a person through spending too much time around humans, but also how much the team as a whole has grown until they are actually more effective warriors than a group of battle-trained andalite assassins.  Every time I reread this book I end up making noises of triumph and fist-pumping the air, no matter how public my location is at the time.

Favorite favorite: #46, The Deception

This plot hinges on the stark contrast between Ax’s terrible and unavoidable awareness about the horror of open war and the Animorphs’ lack of standard of comparison beyond “hey, remember D-Day?”  MM3 and #28 both do important work to condemn humanity from the outside, but this book actually uses Ax’s perspective primarily for celebrating the whole human species from an outsider’s point of view.

Marco

Least favorite: #40, The Other

As I’ve mentioned here, at this book’s core is an interesting concept that very emphatically does not age well.  On top of the cringe-inducing attempt at an After School Special treatment of the idea that (*gasp*) queer men with AIDS are human too, it also has a largely nonsensical plot that strains both credulity and logic.

Favorite: #25, The Extreme

It’s a brilliant use of Marco’s perspective to comment on the constraints and terrifying outer reaches of Jake’s leadership, one that also contains a highly enjoyable mix of humor and horror.  Because Marco.  I could reread this one a thousand times and still find new aspects of the narration to delight in.

Also favorite: #15, The Escape

This book makes amazing use of Marco’s unreliable narration and lack of self-insight to contrast his willingness to imagine himself confronting sharks with his willingness to run from them upon a real encounter, along with his determination to kill his mom and his inability to stop himself from saving her.  Marco is at his most human in this book, and also his most lovable.

Also also favorite: #51, The Absolute

The governor of probably-California is one of my favorite minor characters in the series, and I absolutely love the dynamic between Marco-Tobias-Ax any time it occurs (this book, #46, #30, #49), meaning that this surprisingly fun aside acts as a much-needed breath of fresh air and comic relief in between the Animorphs losing the morphing cube (#50) and blowing up the Yeerk Pool (#52).  Plus, Marco + tank  = OTP.

Cassie

Least favorite: #39, The Hidden

I’ve said most of this before, but this book is just… nonsensical.  And it’s not delightfully nonsensical like parts of #26 or #14, it’s mostly cringe-inducingly nonsensical.

Favorite: #29, The Sickness

Arguably this is the best Animorphs book, both IMHO and by fan consensus.  It’s got a simple but devlishly difficult plot, a ton of great characterization moments for all six kids, a handful of brilliant devices and settings that meld beautifully to Cassie’s overall character arc, and a wide-reaching perspective on the importance of overcoming difference that is a huge part of what makes these books so good.  It’s also funny, horrifying, edge-of-your-seat engaging, and tear-inducingly beautiful at the very end.

Also my favorite: #4, The Message

Whereas #29 is probably just hands-down the best book ever written, #4 holds a special place in my heart because it’s the first Animorphs book I ever read and the one that convinced me to go find the rest of the series.  This one is sweet and mystical, bleak with the dawning realization that these poor defenseless cinnamon rolls are in this war alone but also hopeful with the realization that these precious cinnamon rolls are in this war together.

Jake

Least favorite: #47, The Resistance

Although I’m of the opinion that #41 is more poorly-plotted, this book manages to be both poorly plotted and glaringly racist.  Its plot doesn’t make sense on several different levels, not the least that Visser Three knows how to find the hork-bajir valley in this book and then apparently forgets how to get there for the entire rest of the series.  And don’t get me started on Jake’s reprehensible behavior from the moment he casually declares Tom “as good as dead,” through to him trying to boss Toby about what’s best for Toby herself, all the way on to him being a jerk to Rachel and Marco. Blah.

Favorite: #31, The Conspiracy

Unlike #47, this book actually makes really good use of Jake’s character flaws to drive the plot forward — he’s bad at being vulnerable, and that ends up being a huge problem for his team.  It also leans hard on the irony of Jake being the only one with a “textbook” family (i.e. upper-middle class, heteronormative and monogamous, European-American, traditionally gendered, outwardly happy) and also being the only one under constant threat for his life any time he’s at home, thereby accomplishing one of the series’s better comments on the fact that children’s lives aren’t as simple as we’d like to think.

Favoriter: #53, The Answer

There are definitely flaws with RL implications in this book, but the plot is so freaking brilliant that I can still regard it as a Problematic Fave.  The final battle is so well-engineered and the Moral Event Horizon is so terrifying as it swings by that I assign this book to myself for rereading any time I’m struggling to write action or battle.  It’s a scary, awful book, but also a very fitting capstone to the series.

Favoritest: #26, The Attack

This setting is so cool.  This plot is so cosmic and yet so personal.  This use of the chee is so bitingly brilliant in its commentary on pacifism as a luxury not everyone can afford.  This story has so many moments that are either heartbreaking callbacks (the opening scene with Tom’s memories from #6) or bloodcurdling foreshadowing (Jake and Rachel’s casually absolute trust that each will be willing and able to kill the other if necessary).  This narration feels like a middle-aged and yet middle-school protagonist struggling to figure out who he wants to be — and defeating a cosmic power at its own game with the power of love.  I could gush forever.

Rachel

Least favorite: #48, The Return

Again, there’s nothing truly wrong with this book; it’s just a silly and inconsequential aside into the main character’s maybe-dreams at a time when the plot outside her head is heating up to the boiling point.  It makes this whole thing come off kind of like Bilbo sleeping through the Battle of Five Armies.

Favorite: #27, The Exposed

I’m not normally a big one for romance, but this book makes me ship Rachel and Tobias so hard that my tiny bitter walnut of a heart grows two sizes every time I read it.  Rachel has such great self-awareness that she doesn’t like any situation she cannot control or at least do violent battle against, and yet she dives into the bottom of the ocean with both eyes open and her chin up because that’s what she has to do to protect the rest of her team.  Crayak has no idea what he’s talking about when it comes to asking her to turn on her loved ones.

Additional favorite: #32, The Separation

As I’ve said, I didn’t really get this book until I realized that it’s not so much about Rachel herself as it is about how the rest of her team views her, and how she defies their simple categorizations, both well-meaning (Cassie) and not (Jake), through simply being herself.  Rachel is both masculine and feminine, both tough and vulnerable, and she makes no apologies for any of it.

And another favorite: #37, The Weakness

This book has an important role for the rest of the series in that it shows how the Animorphs’ guerilla tactics can easily be taken too far, and also how Jake’s discernment of his teammates’ strengths and weaknesses keeps them all alive.  Rachel makes a fair number of logical-seeming decisions in this book that prove short-sighted, and of course it all leads to her and Jake’s brutal Checkovian epiphany at the end.

Added additional also favorite: #22, The Solution

A brutal but powerful read, this book focuses on the ugliest parts of Rachel’s personality (her sadism toward David) but also the most powerful ones (her compassion for Saddler and protectiveness toward both Jake and Jordan).  It also shows that her reckless taste for violence and her boundless desire to protect her families both biological and found are actually two sides of the same part of her personality.

Okay I have a lot of favorite Rachel books: #17, The Underground

It’s oat-freaking-meal.  Only it’s not just oat-freaking-meal, and I’m not talking about the extra-tasty maple and ginger flavoring.  It’s a biological weapon.  It’s a way to harm the enemy, but only through harming prisoners of war.  It’s a social dilemma the like of which we rarely see in children’s books.  It’s a lesson in decision making under uncertainty.  It’s a moral imperative, but no one is quite sure what that imperative is saying.  It’s a deconstruction of the implied assumption that it’s possible to write adventure stories in which no one gets hurt.  It’s awesome.  It’s hilarious.  It’s disturbing as fuck.  Welcome to Animorphs.

[novelconcepts]

Honestly, I feel like every writer has a childhood book series or three that explains them in absolute. Mine was Animorphs (found family, coping with trauma/grief, shape shifting), with a side helping of Diadem (fantastical worlds, underdog kids, lil’ rocks that grant superpowers) and Everworld (mythology, mythology, SO MUCH mythology).

[fandom]

Books

Think of this as Tumblr’s “To Be Read” pile. 

The Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling

The Six of Crows Duology +8 by Leigh Bardugo

Percy Jackson & the Olympians -1 by Rick Riordan

The Warrior Cats series -1 by Erin Hunter

The All for the Game series -1 by Nora Sakavic

Pride and Prejudice -1 by Jane Austen

A Court of Thorns and Roses series +11 by Sarah J. Maas

A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J. Maas

The Secret History -2 by Donna Tartt

The Locked Tomb series by Tamsyn Muir

The Silmarillion +5 by J.R.R. Tolkien

The Folk of the Air series by Holly Black

A Song of Ice and Fire -2 by George R.R. Martin

The Trials of Apollo series +6 by Rick Riordan

The Song of Achilles +7 by Madeline Miller

The Raven Cycle series -8 by Maggie Stiefvater

Chain of Iron by Cassandra Clare

Red, White, and Royal Blue -5 by Casey McQuiston

Captive Prince -5 by C.S. Pacat

The Discworld series +6 by Terry Pratchett

The Simon Snow series by Rainbow Rowell

The Shadowhunter Chronicles +2 by Cassandra Clare

The Stormlight Archive series +17 by Brandon Sanderson

The Picture of Dorian Gray +1 by Oscar Wilde

Wings of Fire +7 by Tui T. Sutherland

The Great Gatsby +3 by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Rule of Wolves by Leigh Bardugo

If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio

The Throne of Glass series +5 by Sarah J. Maas

Call Down the Hawk -9 by Maggie Stiefvater

Mister Impossible by Maggie Stiefvater

The Twilight Saga -13 by Stephenie Meyer

Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard by Rick Riordan

Artemis Fowl -19 by Eoin Colfer

The Grisha Trilogy by Leigh Bardugo

The Animorphs series +5 by K.A. Applegate

The Dark Artifices series -1 by Cassandra Clare

Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

The Infernal Devices -8 by Cassandra Clare

The Iliad by Homer

1984 by George Orwell

Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë

Midnight Sun -37 by Stephenie Meyer

Mistborn +5 by Brandon Sanderson

The Wicked Powers by Cassandra Clare

Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson

The Lunar Chronicles -3 by Marissa Meyer

Crescent City -13 by Sarah J. Maas

The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon

Frog and Toad by Arnold Lobel

The number in italics indicates how many spots a title moved up or down from the previous year. Bolded titles weren’t on the list last year.

[rollercoasterwords]

I saw your post about angst earlier and I thought "atydsp was the *angstiest* most miserable book I've ever read" (it's a compliment btw) and then I remembered that YOU wrote it. So, you being an angst lover and the writer of the angstiest thing I've read, I wanted to ask you for recs(?), If that's ok(?)

Just, what are the angstiest books/fics you've ever read? Like, stare-at-the-wall-and-cry-silently-for-hours, feel-numb-for-days, make-you-want-to-scream-like-your-first-born-died, kind of angst. And, if you want, even throw in there films, music, poems too,idk.

It's all about the feeling. I just want to get my soul ripped apart and bleed-out on the floor again:'(

If it's too much or if it's weird, I'm sorry and feel free to ignore me pls<3

look at me. look into my eyes. you are my favorite person on this website right now. i LOVE this question omg ok buckle up i'm making a list

rae's angstiest-of-all-time recs*:

*with the caveat that this is a subjective list, these are just things that made me, specifically, feel like crying and screaming and staring at the wall for whatever reason. not all of these are stories that end in tragedy; some have happy endings! but if it made me feel like my guts were being twirled around like spaghetti on a fork at some point then it made the list <3

fics:

hackery, by orphan_account i will keep yelling at people to read this until the day i die it is SO good and literally under 2k words u can finish it in like five minutes. go read it rn PLEASE i'm begging

a great, big tragedy by zeppazariel @mayzarbewithyou for all crimson rivers angst enjoyers <3 the au what-if-regulus-died ending

let the ghosts sleep tonight by outlaw_baby dorlene oneshot set during the first war SO beautiful i reread this all the time

zwischen immer und nie (between always and never) by sudowoodo an albus dumbledore/gellert grindelwald fic about the summer they fell in love. was recommended to me by a friend who knows i love angst and thought i would appreciate it. they were correct.

notes on a resurrection by newleaves perhaps my favorite fic of all time and one that was also recommended to me by a friend! this one has a happy ending but BOY does it take you on a ride to get there

that's the art of getting by by sarewolf @sarewolf one of my favorite fics ever <3 another happy ending but plenty of angst before we get there <3

choices by messermoon @little-shit-soph i mean i feel like i don't even need to say anything about this one but. yeah if ur looking for tragedy and angst this is a good place to go lmao

books

the feverwake duology, by victoria lee i don't think i've talked about this series before on my blog but it is one of my FAVORITES of all time oh god. it's so so so fucking good dystopian sci-fi magic plague war just. SUCH a cool concept and SUCH beautiful writing i've read it three times and might need to reread soon lol

teeth, by hannah moskowitz gay mermaid love story but like. in the absolute most fucked-up way possible. i love this book SO much hannah moskowitz is just one of my favorite writers of all time

a history of glitter and blood, by hannah moskowitz my favorite book! another story where you get a happy ending but the angst u go through to get there...exquisite

human acts, by han kang made me cry like a fucking baby. this is historical fiction based on very real events and interviews with people who experienced the gwangju uprising + massacre in south korea in 1980.

the song of achilles, by madeline miller another one that i feel like i don't even need to say anything about lol

crush, by richard siken poetry!! here's ur poetry rec. the richard siken hype is not a lie this book will gut you

the animorphs series, by k.a. applegate i am being 100% serious this is one of my favorite series of all time and i read it for the first time as an adult like. this is not childhood nostalgia it was too scary for me as a kid. genuinely changed the way i think about writing and truly is one of the best war stories i have ever read. the last book is gut-wrenching in a way that very little else i have come across is.

the hunchback of notre-dame, by victor hugo for the classics enjoyers <3 victor hugo is one of my favorite writers i was really into his books in high school lol

the man who laughs, by victor hugo not as well-known as his other work but i wrote a big research paper on this book one time so it holds a special place in my heart just bc i spent so much time with it

tv shows

banana fish (2018) outing myself as an occasional anime enjoyer lmao. i watched this bc i kept seeing people talk about how tragic it was and then i saw my sister watching it and i looked up a plot summary of what happens at the end and i was like huh that sounds interesting. and then i sat down to watch it KNOWING what was going to happen and i still like. was screaming crying by the end.

the haunting of bly manor (2020) just re-watched this show like two months ago and it is 2/2 on making me cry so!!

movies

children who chase lost voices (2011) this movie has a happy ending but like. idk man there's this one specific scene that just GETS me every time. always feel hollowed out but like...in a good way after watching it.

brokeback mountain (2005) i mean...do i need to say anything about this one? gay cowboy tragedy my beloved <3

the last unicorn (1982) watching this movie as a kid is i think what altered my brain chemicals and made me an angst enjoyer. so! had to put it on the list <3

and of course on a final note--as these are heavy angst + tragedy etc etc if u know there are things u need to watch out for please look up trigger warnings before diving in! they all contain content that is upsetting in some way...hence the angst. hopefully that doesn't even need to be said but. well an honest hard-working angst farmer needs to cover his bases sometimes doesn't he

also! tysm for the angst praise lol SO happy to hear that atydsp is one of the angstiest things you've read truly the highest form of praise 2 me <3

[acepianonoises]

(Spoiler Alert for Animorphs #54 "The Beginning")

As a writer, it upsets me to no end that the perfect death scene was written in 2001 by K.A Applegate for Rachel's death. Like, just the raw emotion of Rachel asking if her life and death actually matttered, the Ellimist taking a moment to pause before answering, just god damn.