#just what if it was lower stakes skjghjdkgh

[wurdulac]

i don't like my art. i see what it lacks and i see my limited range. i'm not sure why do i keep trying to work on it. i don't know what it does for me. it doesn't feel like expression of creativity or imagination. i don't even do it the way i admire in art by my favorite artists. does it feel joyful or fun, the activity of it? i don't think it does. so i don't know if trying to "perfect it" is even a good goal. apart from never being satisfied from the work currently being done because of the unreachable goal it's also just... for what. so i can do something technically okay but also just soulless?

one thing that i can say is more of a positive effect is that doing art staves off the state of anxiety and guilt over not trying to do it. i guess it's better to just do something over feeling sick over not doing it and cursing oneself for not improving and your hand forgetting how to move.

there's another aspect that was always difficult for me to grasp but... there are artisans. like making things for the sake of making something that looks nice and not just serves the intended function is something people have been doing forever. things like working with patterns too. tattoos. and i can't internalize it for myself that doing things for the sake of it being pretty is fine too. because then maybe i could like i don't know, put my being mostly fixated on faces into other work...

i don't know how to unclog myself.